Ausvet...you made me cry....    that thar was purdy! 

Yes a change in the right direction, previously these type ads were trying to be more gory than each other and they had lost their impact.

Barb just sent me that vid. Well done and beautiful! 

Just made me think of something....

In The Book of Splendor (Sefer Zohar) (maybe The Talmud or Kabbala) it is written:

"Be very careful if you make a woman cry, because God counts her tears. The woman came out of a man's rib... Not from his feet to be walked on... Not from his head to be superior, but from the side to be equal. Under the arm to be protected, and next to the heart to be loved."

Along with an aunt, 6 nieces and 42 cousins.

Ain't family affairs in da South sumthin'.... YEEEHAWWW!!!!

Nah... yer family got tha runs.... you got tha trots.

A Homeless Man's Funeral


As a bagpiper, I play many gigs. Recently I was asked by a funeral director to play at a graveside service for a homeless man. He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a pauper's cemetery in the Kentucky back country.

As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost and, being a typical man, I didn't stop for directions. I finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight. There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch. I felt badly and apologized to the men for being late. I went to the side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in place. I didn't know what else to do, so I started to play.

The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. I played out my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends. I played like I've never played before for this homeless man.

And as I played 'Amazing Grace,' the workers began to weep. They wept, I wept, we all wept together. When I finished I packed up my bagpipes and started for my car. Though my head hung low, my heart was full.

As I opened the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say, "I never seen nothin' like that before and I've been putting in septic tanks for twenty years."

Moses died and went to heaven.
G-d greets him at the Pearly Gates.
'Are you hungry, Moses?' asks G-d.
'I could eat,' Moses replies.
So G-d opens a can of tuna and reaches for a chunk of rye bread and they share it.
While partaking of this humble meal, Moses looks down into Hell and sees the inhabitants devouring huge steaks, briskets, pheasants, pastries and wines.  Curious but deeply trusting, he remains quiet.
The next day G-d again invites Moses to join him for a meal.
Again it's tuna and rye bread.
And, again, Moses can see those denizens of Hell enjoying salmon, champagne, lamb, truffles, and chocolates. Still he says nothing.
The following day, mealtime arrives and another can of tuna is opened.
He can't contain himself any longer. Meekly, he says: 'G-d, I am grateful to be here in heaven with You as a reward for the pious, obedient (not really) life I led. But here in heaven all I get to eat is tuna and a piece of rye bread, and in that 'other place' they all eat like emperors and kings! I just don't understand.'
G-d sighs. 'Let's be honest,' He says. 'Does it really pay to cook for just two?'.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Tn-YesqzvNk&feature=player_embedded

A precious little girl walks into a PetSmart shop and asks, in the sweetest little lisp, between two missing teeth, "Excuthe me,
mithter, do you keep widdle wabbits?"
As the shopkeeper's heart melts, he gets down on his knees so that he's on her level and asks, "Do you want a widdle white wabbit,
or a thoft and fuwwy, bwack wabbit, or maybe one like that cute widdle bwown wabbit over there?"
She, in turn, blushes, rocks on her heels, puts her hands on her knees, leans forward and says, in a tiny quiet voice, "I don't think my python weally gives a thit."

We were dressed and ready to go out for the New Years Eve Party. We turned on a night light, turned the answering machine on, covered our pet parakeet and put the cat in the backyard. We phoned the local cab company and requested a taxi. The taxi arrived and we opened the front door to leave the house.
As we walked out the door, the cat we had put out in the yard, scoots back into the house. We didn’t want the cat shut in the house because she always tries to eat the bird.

My wife goes on out to the taxi, while I went back inside to get the cat. The cat runs upstairs, with me in hot pursuit. Waiting in the cab, my wife doesn’t want the driver to know that the house will be empty for the night. So, she explains to the taxi driver that I will be out soon, ‘He’s just going upstairs to say Goodbye to my mother.’

A few minutes later, I get into the cab. ‘Sorry I took so long,’ I said, as we drove away. ‘That stupid bitch was hiding under the bed. I had to poke her ass with a coat hanger to get her to come out! She tried to take off, so I grabbed her by the neck. Then, I had to wrap her in a blanket to keep her from scratching me. But it worked! I hauled her fat ass downstairs and threw her out into the back yard!’

The cab driver hit a parked car.

A father on his way home from work suddenly remembers that it is his young daughter’s birthday.  He pulls over near a toy shop and seeks the sales woman.
 
"How much are those Barbie dolls in the window?"
 
The sales woman replies, "Which one do you fancy, Sir?"
 
"We have - Work out Barbie for $19-95, Shopping Barbie for $19-95, Beach Barbie for $19-95
DiscoBarbie for $19-95, an Astronaut Barbie for $19-95, a Skater Barbie for$19-95  and a divorced Barbie for $265-95!!!
 
"Bloodyhell?" asks the father - "why is the divorced Barbie $265-95 and all the others only $19-95?"
 
The dismayed sales woman rolls her eyes, sighs and tells the father:
 
"Sir.....Divorced Barbie comes with:-  Ken's car, Ken's house, Ken's boat, Ken's furniture, Ken's computer, Ken's friends, and a key chain made with Ken's b--ls". 

A new Priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak.  
After mass he asked the Monsignor how he had done.

The  Monsignor replied,
When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit,
I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass.  
If  I start to get nervous, I take a sip.

So next Sunday he took the Monsignor's advice.   
At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink.  
He proceeded to talk up a storm.

Upon his return to his office after the mass, he found the following note on the door:

 1)  Sip the vodka, don't gulp.

2)  There are 10 commandments, not 12.

3)  There are 12 disciples, not 10.

4)  Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.

5)  Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.

6)  We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C..

7)  The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior and the Spook.

8)  David slew Goliath; he did not kick the shit out of him..

9)  When David was hit by a rock and was knocked off his donkey, don't say he was stoned off his ass.

10)  We do not refer to the cross as the 'Big T.'

11)  When Jesus broke the bread at the last supper he said, "Take this and eat it for this is my body." He did not say,"Eat me."

12) The Virgin Mary is not called 'Mary with the Cherry'.

13) The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for the grub, Yeah God.

14)  Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at St. Peter's...not a peter pulling contest at St. Taffy's.

Yall know it ain't saturday, right?  

Australian Federal Police : Investigation

An Officer stops at a dairy farm outside of Melbourne Victoria and talks with the old farmer who's the owner.

He tells the farmer, 'I need to inspect your property for illegally grown marijuana.'

The old Farmer says, 'Okay, but don't go in that field over there.'

The officer verbally explodes saying, "Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me"!! Pointing to the badge on his chest he proudly says,

"See this badge"!?

"This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I wish, on any land, whenever I want to".
"No questions asked, no answers given".
"Have I made myself clear!!??"
"Do you now understand me!!??"

The old farmer nods politely and goes about his chores.

Later, the old guy hears loud screams and spies the deputy running for his life and close behind is a huge breeder bull.

With every step the bull is gaining ground on the officer.

The officer is clearly sh******g himself.

The old farmer immediately throws down his pitch fork, runs to the fence and yells at the top of his lungs to the officer.....

"Your badge! Show him your bloody badge!"

damn you mean its not

A couple, both age 76, went to a sex therapist's office. The doctor asked, "What can I do for you?"

The man said, "Will you watch us have sexual intercourse?" The doctor looked puzzled, but agreed.

When the couple finished, the doctor said, "There's nothing wrong with the way you have intercourse," and charged them $50. This happened several weeks in a row. The couple would make an appointment, have intercourse with no problems, pay the doctor, then leave.

Finally, the doctor asked, "Just exactly what are you trying to find out?"

The old man said, "We're not trying to find out anything. She's married and we can't go to her house, I'm married and we can't go to my house. The Holiday Inn charges $90; the Hilton charges $108. We do it here for $50 and I get $43 back from Medicare."

A man with a glass eye goes to bed and puts his glass eye in a glass of water he keeps by his bedside. During the night he wakes up extremely thirsty and drinks the glass of water by his bedside. In the morning he wakes up with terrible pains in his stomach and has difficulty going to the bathroom. So he rushes to his doctor and the doctor tells him to pull down his pants. The man does and the doctor takes one look and screams. The man turns around and asks what's wrong. The doctor replied..."I've examined many a butt hole before but this is the first time one stared back at me".

what can I say