A man is out walking his dog one morning and meets his neighbor. The neighbor owns a big car with a very powerful engine. The neighbor says "I got the fastest thing on the road". The man replies "No you don't...I do". The neighbor looks at him. "You don't even own a car so how can you have the fastest thing on the road?"

The man smiles and looks down at his dog. "My dog is the fasted thing on the road." The neighbor laughs. "Yeah right. Faster than my car? No way". "I'll prove it". The man says. The neighbor agrees and they meet the following day at the race track.

The neighbor is revving up his engine and the man's dog is sitting beside the car wagging his tail. "Ready?" the man asks. "Ready" says the neighbor and guns the engine. The car takes off tires squealing. The dog takes off and easily keeps pace with the car. The neighbor does a double take and steps on the gas thinking he'll leave the dog in the dust but no...the dog is still there, running at a leisurely pace.

"What the..." The neighbor stomps on the gas pedal and now he's up to forty miles and hour. The dog is still with him. Up to fifty and the dog is still there. Sixty, seventy, eighty miles an hour and the dog is still happily running along. The neighbor is astonished.

As they near the finish line the neighbor slams on the brakes and gets out of his car. The dog is sitting by his owner wagging his tail. "Hey...wait a minute". The neighbor said. "He didn't have a red collar on when you got here". The man gives him a sour look and says.." Of course not you dolt. That's his butt hole. You stopped too damn fast".

pmsl  omg that was good hahahah

AN ACTUAL CRAIG'S LIST PERSONALS AD

To the Guy Who Tried to Mug Me in Downtown Savannah  night before last.

Date: 2009-05-27, 1 :43 a.m.  E.S.T.

I was the guy wearing the black Burberry jacket that you demanded that I hand over, shortly after you pulled the knife on me and my girlfriend, threatening our lives. You also asked for my girlfriend's purse and earrings. I can only hope that you somehow come across this rather important message.

 First, I'd like to apologize for your embarrassment; I didn't expect you to actually crap in your pants when I drew my pistol after you took my jacket.. The even ing was not that cold, and I was wearing the jacket for a reason.. My girlfriend had just bought me that Kimber Model 1911 .45 ACP pistol for my birthday, and we had picked up a shoulder holster for it that very evening. Obviously you agree that it is a very intimidating weapon when pointed at your head ... isn't it?!

 I know it probably wasn't fun walking back to wherever you'd come from with that brown sludge in your pants. I'm sure it was even worse walking bare-footed since I made you leave your shoes, cell phone, and wallet with me. [That prevented you from calling or running to your buddies to come help mug us again].

 After I called your mother or "Momma" as you had her listed in your cell, I explained the entire episode of what you'd done. Then I went and filled up my gas tank as well as those of four other people in the gas station, -- on your credit card. The guy with the big motor home took 150 gallons and was extremely grateful!

 I gave your shoes to a homeless guy outside Vinnie Van Go Go's, along with all the cash in your wallet. [That made his day!]

 I then threw your wallet into the big pink "pimp mobile" that was parked at the curb ... after I broke the windshield and side window and keyed the entire driver's side of the car.

 Later, I called a bunch of phone sex numbers from your cell phone. Ma Bell just now shut down the line, although I only used the phone for a little over a day now, so what 's going on with that? Earlier, I managed to get in two threatening phone calls to the DA's office and one to the FBI, while mentioning President Obama as my possible target.

 The FBI guy seemed really intense and we had a nice long chat (I guess while he traced your number etc.).

  ;In a way, perhaps I should apologize for not killing you ... but I feel this type of retribution is a far more appropriate punishment for your threatened crime. I wish you well as you try to sort through some of these rather immediate pressing issues, and can only hope that you have the opportunity to reflect upon, and perhaps reconsider, the career path you've chosen to pursue in life. Remember, next time you might not be so lucky.Have a good day!

Thoughtfully yours,

Alex

The Farmer Cletus is passing by Billy Bob's hay barn one day when, through a gap in the door, he sees Billy Bob doing a slow and sensual striptease in front of an old green John Deere.     

Buttocks clenched, he performs a slow pirouette and gently slides off first the right strap of his overalls, followed by the left.
He then hunches his shoulders forward and in a classic striptease move, he lets his overalls fall down to his hips revealing a torn and frayed plaid shirt.

Grabbing both sides of his shirt he rips it apart to reveal his stained tee shirt underneath. 

With a final flourish he tears the tee shirt from his body and hurls his baseball cap onto a pile of hay.   

Having seen enough Cletus rushes in and says, "What the heck are you doing, Billy Bob?"

"Jeez, Cletus, ya scared the snot out of me," says an obviously embarrassed Billy Bob.    "But me and the old lady been having trouble lately in the bedroom department, and the therapist suggested I do something sexy to a tractor."   

Oh, just what I needed. Too choke on my breakfast in the morning, thanks a lot Doc.

Your breakfast's on me...errr....that is...I mean....

GAK!!!!

The Hotel Bill

An elderly lady decided to give herself a big treat for her significant birthday by staying overnight in one ofLondon's most expensive hotels.

When she checked out next morning, the desk clerk handed her a bill for £250.00.

She explode and demanded to know why the charge was so high. "It's a nice hotel but the rooms certainly aren't worth £250.00 for just an overnight stop without even breakfast."

The clerk told her that £250.00 is the 'standard rate' so she insisted on speaking to the Manager.

The Manager appeared and forewarned by the desk clerk announced: "the hotel has an Olympic-sized pool and a huge conference centre which are available for use."

'But I didn't use them," she said.

''Well, they are here, and you could have," explained the Manager.

He went on to explain that she could also have seen one of the in-hotel shows for which the hotel is famous. "We have the best entertainers fromEdinburgh, Glasgow, and Aberdeen performing here," the Manager said.

"But I didn't go to any of those shows," she said.

"Well, we have them, and you could have," the Manager replied.

No matter what amenity the Manager mentioned, she replied, "But I didn't use it!"

The Manager was unmoved, so she decided to pay, wrote a cheque and gave it to the Manager. 

The Manager was surprised when he looked at the cheque. "But madam, this cheque is only made out for £50.00." ''That's correct. I charged you £200.00 for sleeping with me," she replied.

"But I didn't!" exclaims the very surprised Manager.

"Well, too bad, I was here, and you could have."

Three mischievous old Grannies were sitting on
a bench outside a nursing home.

When an old Grandpa walked by. 
 
And  one of the old Grandmas yelled out saying,

"We bet we can  tell exactly how old you  are." 
 
The  old man said,
"There is no way you can guess it, you old  fools."

One  of the old Grandmas said,
"Sure we can!  - Just  drop your pants and under
shorts and we can tell your exact age."

Embarrassed  just a little, but anxious to prove
they couldn't do it, he dropped his  drawers.

The  Grandmas asked him to first turn around a
couple of times and to jump up and down several times. 
 
Then  they all piped up and said,  
"You're  87 years old!" 
 
Standing  with his pants down around his ankles,
the old gent  asked,

"How in the world did you  guess?" 
 
Slapping  their knees and grinning from ear to ear,
the three old ladies happily yelled in  unison...

"We  were at your birthday party  yesterday!"
 

Yorkshire Women – not to be messed with!!*

3 men married wives from different countries. 

The first man married a woman from China.  He told her that she was to do their dishes and house cleaning.  It took a couple of days, but on the third day, he came home to see a clean house and dishes washed and put away.

The second man married a woman from Italy.  He gave his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes and the cooking.  The first day he?didn't see any results, but the next day he saw it was better.  By the third day, he saw his house was clean, the dishes were done and there was a huge dinner on the table.

The third man married a Yorkshire Lass.  He ordered her to keep the house cleaned, dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry washed, and hot meals on the table for every meal.  He said the first day he didn't see anything, the second day he didn't see anything but by the third day, some of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of his left eye, and his arm was healed enough that he could fix himself a sandwich and load the dishwasher.

A drunk walks out of a bar with a key in his hand and he is stumbling back and forth.

A cop on the beat sees him and approaches, 'Can I help you Sir?'  ''Yessh! Ssssomebody ssstole my carrr' -  the man replies.  The cop asks, 'Where was your car the last time you saw it?'

'It wasss on the end of thisshh key' the man replies.

About that time the cop looks down and sees the man's wiener hanging out of his fly for all the world to see. He asks the man, 'Sir are you aware that you are exposing yourself?'

Momentarily confused, the drunk looks down at his crotch and without missing a beat, blurts out...'Holy shit! My girlfriend's gone, too!!

IF MY BODY WERE A CAR...

 This is just too funny - scary how true it is!!

If my body were a car, this is the time I would be thinking about trading it in for a newer model. I've got bumps and dents and scratches in my finish and my paint job is getting a little dull ....
 
But that's not the worst of it.

My headlights are out of focus and it's especially hard to see things up close

My traction is not as graceful as it once was. I slip and slide and skid and bump into things even in the best of weather.

My whitewalls are stained with varicose veins.

It takes me hours to reach my maximum speed. My fuel rate burns inefficiently.

But here's the worst of it.

Almost every time I sneeze, cough or splutter, either my radiator leaks or my exhaust backfires!

> Two old guys, one 80 and one 87, were sitting on their usual park bench
> one
> morning.
>
> The 87-year-old had just finished his morning jog and wasn't even short of
> breath.
>
> The 80-year-old was amazed at his friend's stamina and asked him what he
> did
> to have so much energy.
>
> The 87-year-old said, "Well, I eat rye bread every day. It keeps your
> energy
> level high and you'll also have great stamina with the ladies."
>
> So, on the way home, 80-year-old stops at the bakery. As he was looking
> around, the lady behind the counter asked if he needed any help.
>
> He said "Do you have any Rye bread?"
>
> She said, "Yes, there's a whole shelf of it. Would you like some?"
>
> He said, "I want 5 loaves."
>
> She said, "My goodness, 5 loaves ... By the time you get to the 3rd loaf,
> it'll be hard"
>
> He replied, "I can't believe it, everybody knows about this stuff but me."

DURING a shopping outing in Ireland with her sisters, Agnes O'Brien sneaked off to visit a fortune teller of some local repute.

In a dark and hazy room, peering into a crystal ball, the Mystic delivered grave news.

"There's  no easy way to say this, so I'll just be  blunt: Prepare yourself to be a widow. Your husband will die a violent and horrible death this year".

Visibly  shaken, Agnes stared at the woman's lined  face,  then at  the crystal, then down at her hands. She took a few deep breaths to compose herself.

She  simply had to know. She met  the fortune teller's gaze, steadied her voice and asked her question.  "Will I  be acquitted?"

A man picked up a bottle at the beach in the south of England .
He opened the bottle and out popped a Fairy,who said "I will grant You One Wish."
  "Ok The man said , I want to live forever."
She replied , "no can do, Not allowed ".

The Man said ," Ok I want to live until England wins the Worlds Cup"

The Fairy replied ," You Cheeky Bastard"

Men just never listen

  HYSTERICAL... if you are at work, cover your mouth, you WILL laugh out loud!!   

      In a Chicago Hospital , a gentleman had made several attempts to get into the men's restroom, but it had always been occupied.
        
       A nurse noticed his predicament.
       Sir, she said "You may use the ladies room if you promise not to touch any of the buttons on the wall."   
       He did what he needed to, and as he sat there he noticed the buttons he had promised not to touch.
       Each button was identified by letters: WW , WA , PP20 and a red one labeled ATR.
      Who would know if he touched them?   
        He couldn't resist.. He pushed WW. Warm water was sprayed gently upon his bottom.
      What a nice feeling, he thought.
      Men's restrooms don't have nice things like this.
       Anticipating greater pleasure, he pushed the WA button. Warm air replaced the warm water, gently drying his underside.

      When this stopped, he pushed the PP button. A large powder puff caressed his bottom adding a fragile scent of spring flower to this unbelievable pleasure. The ladies restroom was more than a restroom,
      it is tender loving pleasure.

      When the powder puff completed its pleasure, he couldn't wait to push the ATR button which he knew would be supreme ecstasy.

      Next thing he knew he opened his eyes, he was in a hospital bed, and a nurse was staring down at him.

      "What happened?" he exclaimed. "The last thing I remember was pushing the ATR button."

      "The button ATR is an Automatic Tampon Remover. Your penis is under your pillow."

      MEN NEVER LISTEN

I can't laugh anymore. Side-splitting already ... lmao