Saturday funnies
Saturday, November 15, 2008 by teddybearcholla | Discussion: WinCustomize Talk
I hope these bring a smile, I myself was laughing very hard!!! No disrespect meant to anyone, and no one killed in the making of, either!!! 
The first one... 
A dog is truly a man's best friend.
If you don't believe it, just try this experiment.
Put your dog and your wife in the trunk of the car for an hour.
When you open the trunk, who is really happy to see you????????
The second... 
A man with a pegleg, hook hand and an eyepatch went to apply to be a pirate.
Interviewer: How did you get that pegleg?
Pirate: Arrr. I got me leg shot off during the first world war.
Interviewer: How did you get that hook?
Pirate: I got me hand cut off by a big knife.
Interviewer: What about your eyepatch?
Pirate: It was a rainy afternoon and I looked up into the sky and a bird crapped in me eye.
Interviewer: And that put your eye out?
Pirate: No, it was the day after I got me hook.
And last, but not least.... 
The foreman points out a huge pile of sand. He says to the Italian guy, 'You're in charge of sweeping.'
To the Scotsman he says, 'You're in charge of shoveling.'
And to the Chinese guy, 'You're in charge of supplies.'
He then says, 'Now, I have to leave for a little while. I expect you guys to make a dent in that there pile of sand.'
So when the foreman returns, after being away for a couple of hours, the pile of sand is untouched. He asks the Italian, 'Why didn't you sweep any of it?'
The Italian replies, ' I no hava no broom You saida to the Chinese-a-fella that he was in charge of supplies, but he has a disappeared and I no could finda him nowhere.'
Then the foreman turns to the Scotsman and says, 'And you, I thought I told you to shovel this pile.'
The Scotsman replies, 'Aye, that ye did laddie, boot ah couldnay get meself a shoovel! Ye left that Chinese gadgie in chairge of supplies, boot ah couldnay fin' him neither.'
The foreman is really angry now. He storms off toward the pile of sand to look for the Chinese guy. Just then, the Chinese guy leaps out from behind the pile of sand and yells....................'SUPPLIES!!!!'
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Reply #622 Saturday, May 15, 2010 1:19 PM
The Bathtub Test.
During a visit to the senior's home, I asked the director how do you determine whether or not a patient should be institutionalized?
"Well," said the director, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup, and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub."
"Oh, I understand," I said. "A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup."
"No." said the director, "A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a bed near the window?"
ARE YOU GOING TO PASS THIS ON...
OR DO YOU WANT THE BED NEXT TO MINE?
Reply #623 Saturday, May 15, 2010 1:32 PM
Two women were playing golf. One teed off and watched in horror as her
ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole.
The ball hit one of the men. He immediately clasped his hands together
at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony.
The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately began to apologize.
"Please allow me to help. I'm a Physical Therapist, and I know I could
relieve your pain if you'd allow me," she told him.
'Oh, no, I'll be all right. I'll be fine in a few minutes,' the man
replied. He was in obvious agony, lying in the fetal position, still
clasping his hands there at his groin.
At her insistence, however, he finally allowed her to help. She gently
took his hands away and laid them to the side, loosened his pants and
put her hands inside.
She administered tender and artful massage of his testicles while
holding his penis for several long moments And asked, 'How does that
feel'?
He replied, "It feels great, but I still think my thumb's broken."
Reply #625 Sunday, May 16, 2010 6:52 AM
Huh? I click on the picture (which I don't see), and get to my hotmail! I sense starkers evil hand in this!
Reply #626 Monday, May 17, 2010 8:55 AM
dammm its gone hmmmmmm someone stolen it
Reply #627 Tuesday, May 18, 2010 6:12 AM
A man has spent many days crossing the desert without water. His camel dies of thirst. He's crawling through the sands, certain that he has breathed his last, when all of a sudden he sees an object sticking out of the sand several yards ahead of him.
He crawls to the object, pulls it out of the sand, and discovers what looks to be an old brief case. He opens it and out pops a "genie". But this is no ordinary genie. He is wearing an IRS ID badge and dull gray suit. There's a calculator in his pocket. He has a pencil tucked behind one ear.
"Well, kid," says the genie. "You know how it works". "You have three wishes."
"I'm not falling for this." Says the man. "I'm not going to trust an IRS agent."
"What do you have to lose? You've got no transportation, and It
looks like you're a goner anyway!"
The man thinks about this for a minute, and decides that the genie is right. "OK, I wish I were in a lush oasis with
plentiful food and drink."
***POOF*** The man finds himself in the most beautiful oasis he has ever seen. And he is surrounded with jugs of wine and platters of delicacies.
"OK, kid, what's your second wish."
"My second wish is that I were rich beyond my wildest dreams."
***POOF*** The man finds himself surrounded by treasure chests filled with rare gold coins and precious gems.
"OK, kid, you have just one more wish. Better make it a good one!"
After thinking for a few minutes, the man says: "I wish that no matter where I go beautiful women will want and need me."
***POOF*** He is turned into a tampon.
The moral of the story?
If the IRS offers you anything, there's going to be a string attached!
Reply #628 Tuesday, June 8, 2010 12:41 PM
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Reply #629 Tuesday, June 8, 2010 12:44 PM
Today's Inspirational Lesson
Never irritate a woman who can operate a backhoe... 
Thus endeth the lesson.
Women are Angels...And when someone breaks their wings...They simply continue to fly....on a broomstick...They are flexible like that...
Reply #630 Tuesday, June 8, 2010 12:51 PM
NEW WINE!!
I kid you not...
a New Wine for Seniors!!
South Australian vintners in the Barossa Valley area, which primarily produce Pinot Blanc, Pinot Noir and Pinot Grigio wines, have developed a new hybrid grape that acts as an anti-diuretic!
It is expected to reduce the number of trips older people have to make to the toilet during the night.
The new wine will be marketed as
PINO MORE
I HEARD IT THROUGH THE GRAPEVINE!
I just couldn't help it!
Reply #631 Monday, June 14, 2010 6:53 PM
A bus carrying only ugly people crashes into an oncoming truck, and everyone inside dies.
As they stand at the Pearly Gates waiting to enter Paradise and meet their maker, God decides to grant each person one wish because of the grief they have experienced.
They're all lined up, and God asks the first one what the wish is. "I want to be gorgeous," and so God snaps His fingers, and it is done.
The second one in line hears this and says "I want to be gorgeous too." Another snap of His fingers and the wish is granted.
This goes on for a while with each one asking to be gorgeous, but when God is halfway down the line, the last guy in the line starts laughing.
When there are only ten people left, this guy is rolling on the floor, laughing his head off.
Finally, God reaches this last guy and asks him what his wish will be.
The guy eventually calms down and says: "Make 'em all ugly again.
NEXT TIME YOU'RE LAST IN LINE...BE HAPPY!
Reply #635 Tuesday, June 15, 2010 8:36 PM
Yeah, it runs in his family... 'cept when it got to him it galloped.
Reply #638 Wednesday, June 16, 2010 1:00 AM
Now that's funny right thar! I told ya Doc! Didn't I tell ya! I told him...I said Doc...that's looks like Jim's sister...that is if Jim had a sister...that's what she'd look like I said! But he didn't believe me! See...I told ya Doc! Didn't I tell ya...
Are you sayin I got the runs! Now that's a low blow right thar!
Reply #640 Wednesday, June 16, 2010 9:29 AM
It's not a joke, but it is different to the normal bloody road safety ads.
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Reply #621 Saturday, May 15, 2010 1:16 PM
KEEP THIS IN MIND AS YOU ARE DOING YOUR CLEANUP CHORES.
New use for Windex
I haven't checked ' Snopes.Com ' to see if this actually
Works or Not . . . But they say,
If you ever get the sudden URGE to run around naked,
You should sniff some Windex first.
It'll keep you from streaking.
Oh, Come On ......Lighten UP !!!!
Have a Great Day!