My memory's not as sharp as it used to be. 

Also, my memory's not as sharp as it used to be.

Know how to prevent sagging? 

Just eat till the wrinkles fill out.

HG_Eliminator already does this

"The thrill is gone from my marriage," Bill told his friend Doug. 

"Why not add some intrigue to your life and have an affair?" Doug suggested. 

"But what if my wife finds out?" 

"Heck, this is a new age we live in, Bill. Go ahead and tell her about it!" 

So Bill went home and said, "Dear, I think an affair will bring us closer together." 

"Forget it," said his wife. "I've tried that - it never worked."

===============================================================

It's the only type of cooking a "real" man will do. When a man volunteers to do the 'BBQ' the following chain of events are put into motion:

1) The woman goes to the store.
2) The woman fixes the salad, vegetables, and dessert.
3) The woman prepares the meat for cooking, places it on a tray along with the necessary cooking utensils, and takes it to the man, who is lounging beside the grill, beer in hand.
4) The man places the meat on the grill.
5) The woman goes inside to set the table and check the vegetables.
6) The woman comes out to tell the man that the meat is burning.
7) The man takes the meat off the grill and hands it to the woman.
8) The woman prepares the plates and brings them to the table.
9) After eating, the woman clears the table and does the dishes.
10) Everyone praises man and thanks him for his cooking efforts.
11) The man asks the woman how she enjoyed "her night off." And, upon seeing her annoyed reaction, concludes that there's just no pleasing some women.

The power of
> Alcohol     A man is waiting for his wife to give birth. The
> doctor comes in and informs the dad that his son was born
> without torso, arms or legs.The son is just a head! But the
> dad loves his son and raises him as well as he can, with
> love and compassion.   After 21 years, the son is now old
> enough for his first drink. Dad takes him to the bar,
> tearfully tells the son he is proud of him and orders up the
> biggest, strongest drink for his boy. With all the bar
> patrons looking on curiously and the bartender shaking his
> head in disbelief, the boy takes his first sip of alcohol. 
> Swoooosh! Plop!! A torso pops out! The bar is dead silent;
> then bursts into whoops of joy. The father, shocked, begs
> his son to drink again. The patrons chant 'Take another
> drink!'  The bartender continues to shake his head in
> dismay . Swoooosh! Plip! Plop!! Two arms pop out.   The bar
> goes wild. The father, crying and wailing, begs his son to
> drink again. The patrons chant, 'Take another drink!
> Take another drink!!' The bartender ignore s the whole
> affair and goes back to polishing glasses, shaking his head,
> clearly unimpressed by the amazing scenes.   By now the boy
> is getting tipsy, but with his new hands he reaches down,
> grabs his drink and guzzles the last of it. Plop! Plip!! Two
> legs pop out. The bar is in chaos. The father falls to his
> knees and tearfully thanks God. The boy stands up on his new
> legs and stumbles to the left then staggers to the right
> through the front door, into the street, where a truck runs
> over him and kills him instantly. The bar falls silent. 
> The father moans in grief . The bartender sighs and says,
> (Wait for it)  *  (It's coming)  *  (Ya ready?)  *
> (Don't hate me)  *     * (You're gonna hate me)  * *
>  (Take a deep breath)    'He should've quit while he
> was a head

....and trying quite a few of them....

great list wizard....

A drummer, tired of being ridiculed by his peers, decided to learn a "real" instrument. 
He went into a music store, pointed and told the music store clerk, "Gimme that red trumpet over there and that accordion." 
The clerk asked, "Are you a drummer?" 
The drummer looked surprised. "Yeah." 
The clerk said, "You can have the fire extinguisher, but we've got to keep the radiator!"

THE ELDERLY COUPLE

The elderly couple, who were both widowed, had been going out
with each other for a long time. 

Urged on by their friends, they decided it was finally time
to get married. 

Before the wedding, they went out to dinner and  
had a long conversation regarding how their marriage might work. 

They discussed finances, living arrangements and so on.  

Finally, the old gentleman decided it was time to broach
the subject of their physical relationship. 

"How do you feel about sex?" he asked rather tentatively.  

"I would like it infrequently," she replied.  

The old gentleman sat quietly for a moment, adjusted his
glasses, then leaned over toward her and inquired: "Is that one
word or two?"

 
An 80 year old man goes for a physical.  All of his tests come back with normal 
results.  The doctor says, "George, everything looks great.  How are you doing 
mentally and emotionally?  Are you at peace with God?" 
  
George replies, "God and I are tight.  He knows I have poor eyesight, so He's 
fixed it so when I get up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom, poof! 
The light goes on.  When I'm done, poof!  The light goes off." 
  
"Wow, that's incredible," the doctor says. 
  
A little later in the day, the doctor calls George's wife.  "Ethel," he says, "George is doing fine!  But I had to call you because I'm in awe of his relation-ship with God.  Is it true that he gets up during the night, and poof! the light goes on in the bathroom, and when he's done, poof! the light goes off?" 
  
"Oh my God!" exclaims Ethel.  "He's peeing in the refrigerator again!"

Went to the doctor for my yearly physical.  The nurse
> starts  with certain basics. 
> 
> 'How much do you weigh?' she  asks.  '135,'
> I say.
> 
>  The nurse puts me on the scale. It  turns out my weight is
> 180.
>  The nurse asks, 'Your height?'  '5 foot
> 4,'  I say.
> 
>  The nurse checks and sees that I  only measure
> 5'2'.
>  She then takes my blood pressure and tells me it is very
> high.
> 
>  'Of course it's high!' I scream.
> 
> 'When I came in here I was  tall  and slender! Now
> I'm short and fat!'
> 
>  She put me on  Prozac. What a bitch.

That sounds like my mother.....who, in my youth, would walk into the bathroom every morning at 5 am and pronounce:

 "GOD I'm gorgeous!"

Yeah, that was my alarm clock...and a good laugh. Though, seriously, she is beautiful......and modest.....lol

A male driver is pulled over by a cop and the following conversation takes place:
Man: What's the problem officer?
Cop: You were going at least 75 in a 55 zone.
Man: No sir, I was going 65.
Wife: Oh Harry. You were going 80.
(Man gives his wife a dirty look.)
Cop: I'm also going to give you a ticket for your broken tail light.
Man: Broken tail light? I didn't know about a broken tail light!
Wife: Oh Harry, you've known about that tail light for weeks.
(Man gives his wife a dirty look.)
Cop: I'm also going to give you a citation for not wearing your seat belt.
Man: Oh, I just took it off when you were walking up to the car.
Wife: Oh Harry, you never wear your seat belt.
Man: Shut your mouth, woman!
Cop: Ma'am, does your husband always talk to you this way?
Wife: No, only when he's drunk.

 Always wear clean underwear in public, especially when working under
your vehicle...From the Northwest Florida Daily News comes this story of
a Crestview couple who drove their car to Wal-Mart, only to have their
car break down in the parking lot. 

The man told his wife to carry on with the
 shopping while he fixed the
car in the lot.  The wife returned later to see a small group of people
near the car.  On closer inspection, she saw a pair of male legs
protruding from under the chassis. 

Although the man was in shorts, his lack of underpants turned private
parts into glaringly public ones.  Unable to stand the embarrassment,
she dutifully stepped forward, quickly put her hand UP his shorts, and
tucked everything back into place. 

She took a deep breath and stood up boldly to face the crowd.  She
looked across the hood and found herself staring at her husband, who had
been standing idly by. 

The mechanic, however, had to have three stitches in his forehead.    

@ tbc 

On a recent flight, a plane passes through a severe storm. The turbulence is awful, and things go from bad to worse when one wing is struck by lightning. One woman in particular loses it. Screaming, she stands up in the front of the plane. "I'm too young to die," she wails. Then she yells, "Well, if I'm going to die, I want my last minutes on earth to be memorable! Is there ANYONE on this plane who can make me feel like a WOMAN?"

For a moment, there is silence. Everyone has forgotten their own peril. They all stared, riveted, at the desperate woman in the front of the plane.

Then a man from Montana stands up in the rear of the plane. He is gorgeous: tall, well built, with dark brown hair and hazel eyes. He starts to walk slowly up the aisle, unbuttoning his shirt...one button at a time.

..No one moves.

..He removes his shirt.

..Muscles ripple across his chest.

..She gasps...

..He whispers:

"Iron this, and get me something to eat...."

Why make the effort...only minutes left! 

The Allergists voted to scratch it,
and the Dermatologists advised not to make any rash moves.
 
The Gastroenterologists had sort of a gut feeling about it,
but the Neurologists thought the Administration had a lot of nerve,
and the Obstetricians felt they were all laboring under a misconception.
 
 The Ophthalmologists considered the idea shortsighted.
 
 The Pathologists yelled, 'Over my dead body!'
while the Pediatricians said, 'Oh, Grow up!'
 
The Psychiatrists thought the whole idea was madness,
the Radiologists could see right through it, and the Surgeons cried "Cut it out! Right away!"
 
The Internists thought it was a bitter pill to swallow,
and the Plastic Surgeons said, 'This puts a whole new face on the matter.'
 
 The Podiatrists thought it was a step forward,
 but the Urologists felt the scheme wouldn't hold water.
 
 The Anesthesiologists thought the whole idea was a gas,
 and the Cardiologists didn't have the heart to say no.
 
 In the end, the Proctologists left the decision up to some assholes in Washington,
 which is the reason for our troubles today.

                 Some of the artists of the 1960's are
> revising their hits with new lyrics to accommodate aging
> 'baby boomers'.
>                   They include:
>
>                   Bobby Darin ---
>                   Splish, Splash, I Was Havin' a Flash.
>
>                   Herman's Hermits ---
>                   Mrs. Brown, You've Got a Lovely
> Walker .
>
>                   Ringo Starr ---
>                   I Get By With a Little Help From Depends.
>
>
>
>                   The Bee Gees -- -
>                   How Can You Mend a Broken Hip.
>
>                   Roberta Flack---
>                   The First Time Ever I Forgot Your Face.
>
>                   Johnny Nash ---
>                   I Can't See Clearly Now.
>
>                   Paul Simon---
>                   Fifty Ways to Lose Your Liver
>
>                   The Commodores ---
>                   Once, Twice, Three Times to the Bathroom.
>
>                   Marvin Gaye ---
>                   Heard It Through the Grape Nuts.
>
>                   Procol Harem---
>                   A Whiter Shade of Hair.
>
>                   Leo Sayer ---
>                   You Make Me Feel Like Napping.
>
>                   The Temptations ---
>                   Papa's Got a Kidney Stone.
>
>                   Abba---
>                   Denture Queen.
>
>                   Tony Orlando ---
>                   Knock 3 Times On The Ceiling If You Hear
> Me Fall.
>                   Helen Reddy --- I Am Woman, Hear Me
> Snore.
>                   Leslie Gore--- It's My Procedure, and
> I'll Cry If I Want To.
>                   And Last but NOT least
>
>                   Willie Nelson --- On the Commode Again 

good one Angus!!!

A woman walks into the Post Office to buy stamps for her Christmas cards.

"What denomination?" asks the clerk.

"Oh, good heavens! Have we come to this?" said the woman. "Well, give me 50 Baptist and 50 Catholic and one Methodist."

The power of
> Alcohol     A man is waiting for his wife to give birth. The
> doctor comes in and informs the dad that his son was born
> without torso, arms or legs.The son is just a head! But the
> dad loves his son and raises him as well as he can, with
> love and compassion.   After 21 years, the son is now old
> enough for his first drink. Dad takes him to the bar,
> tearfully tells the son he is proud of him and orders up the
> biggest, strongest drink for his boy. With all the bar
> patrons looking on curiously and the bartender shaking his
> head in disbelief, the boy takes his first sip of alcohol. 
> Swoooosh! Plop!! A torso pops out! The bar is dead silent;
> then bursts into whoops of joy. The father, shocked, begs
> his son to drink again. The patrons chant 'Take another
> drink!'  The bartender continues to shake his head in
> dismay . Swoooosh! Plip! Plop!! Two arms pop out.   The bar
> goes wild. The father, crying and wailing, begs his son to
> drink again. The patrons chant, 'Take another drink!
> Take another drink!!' The bartender ignore s the whole
> affair and goes back to polishing glasses, shaking his head,
> clearly unimpressed by the amazing scenes.   By now the boy
> is getting tipsy, but with his new hands he reaches down,
> grabs his drink and guzzles the last of it. Plop! Plip!! Two
> legs pop out. The bar is in chaos. The father falls to his
> knees and tearfully thanks God. The boy stands up on his new
> legs and stumbles to the left then staggers to the right
> through the front door, into the street, where a truck runs
> over him and kills him instantly. The bar falls silent. 
> The father moans in grief . The bartender sighs and says,
> (Wait for it)  *  (It's coming)  *  (Ya ready?)  *
> (Don't hate me)  *     * (You're gonna hate me)  * *
>  (Take a deep breath)    'He should've quit while he
> was a head