Note: to be read in a southern cowboy accent...

A three legged kitten walks into a bar in the old wild west.

The bartender says " hey boy, we don't sell liquor to no youngsters"

The kitten replies " I don't want none - I'm just lookin' fur ma pa..."

 
  Joe was moderately successful in his career, but as he got older he was increasingly hampered by incredible headaches. When his personal hygiene and love life started to suffer, he sought medical help. After being referred from one specialist to another, he finally came across a doctor who solved the problem. 

"The good news is I can cure your headaches... The bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition which causes your testicles to press up against the base of your spine. The pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles." 

Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for. He couldn't concentrate long enough to answer, but decided he had no choice but to go under the knife. 

When he left the hospital, his mind was clear, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself. As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life. 

He walked past a men's clothing store and thought, "That's what I need: a new suit." He entered the shop and told the salesman, "I'd like a new suit." 

The salesman eyed him briefly and said, "Let's see... size 44 long." Joe laughed, "That's right, how did you know?" 

"It's my job." 

Joe tried on the suit. It fit perfectly. As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about a new shirt?" Joe thought for a moment and then said, "Sure..." 

The salesman eyed Joe and said, "Let's see... 34 sleeve and... 16 and a half neck" Joe was surprised, "That's right, how did you know?" 

"It's my job." 

Joe tried on the shirt, and it fit perfectly. As Joe adjusted the collar in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about new shoes?" Joe was on a roll and said, "Sure..." 

The salesman eyed Joe's feet and said, "Let's see... 9-1/2... E." Joe was astonished, "That's right, how did you know?" 

"It's my job." 

Joe tried on the shoes and they fit perfectly. Joe walked comfortably around the shop and the salesman asked, "How about a new hat?" Without hesitating, Joe said, "Sure..." 

The salesman eyed Joe's head and said, "Let's see... 7-5/8." Joe was incredulous, "That's right, how did you know?" 

"It's my job." 

The hat fit perfectly. Joe was feeling great, when the salesman asked, "How about some new underwear?" Joe thought for a second and said, "Sure..." The salesman stepped back, eyed Joe's waist and said, "Let's see... size 36." 

Joe laughed, "No, I've worn size 34 since I was 18 years old." 

The salesman shook his head, "You can't wear a size 34. It would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache."  

   

Ouch...

One day a father gets out of work and on his way home he suddenly remembers that it's his daughter's birthday.
He pulls over to a Toy Shop and asks the salesgirl, 'How much for one of those Barbie's in the display window?'
The salesgirl answers, 'Which one do you mean, Sir? We have: Work Out Barbie for        $19.95, Shopping Barbie for $19.95, Beach Barbie for $19.95, Disco Barbie for $19.95, Ballerina Barbie for $19.95, Astronaut Barbie for $19.95, Skater Barbie for $19.95, and Divorced Barbie for $265.95.'
The amazed father asks: 'It's what?! Why is the Divorced Barbie $265.95 and the others only $19.95?'
The annoyed salesgirl rolls her eyes, sighs, and answers: 'Sir...., Divorced Barbie comes with: Ken's Car, Ken's House, Ken's Boat, Ken's Furniture, Ken's Computer, one of Ken's Friends, and a key chain made from Ken's balls.'

As Rod Stewart said about marriage and divorce, "Why not just find someone you hate and give her a house."

"Flight 1234, for noise abatement turn right 45 degrees.."
"But Center, we are at 35,000 feet, how much noise can we make up here?"
"Sir, have you ever heard the noise a 707 makes when it hits a 727?"

========================================================

How come they don't make the whole airplane like the "Black Box"?  

This is the USS. Montana requesting you imediately divert your course 15 degrees to the north to avoid colission... Over.

*please divert YOUR course 15 degrees to the South to avoid colission..Over*

This is captian Hancock you will divert your course..over.

*Negative Captin im not moving any thing, Change your course..over*

Sir this is the USS Montana the second largest vessel in the north Atlantic fleet, you will change course 15 degrees north or I will be forced to take measures to ensure the safety of this Ship...Over.

*This is a light house mate..it's your call...........................hello?**

What is sad, is that it has probably happened. Immy shakes head at Navel Intelligence

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YujpFTbUHRc

Funny cat vid.

     Some of the artists of the 60's are revising their hits

Wiz....you been listen in on me again???? Whoops....I didn't say that, you know nothing!

this is the internet, what you say is heard forever and by everyone!!!  

A woman was cleaning her attic with her cat by her side for company. Amongst the boxes and old papers she found a little lamp. She picked it up and wiped it off with her apron, when "POOF" out popped Genie. "I will grant you three wishes" proclaimed the Genie. 

The woman thought for a moment and said "I wish I was the most beautiful 20 year old woman in the world, I wish I had more money than I knew what to do with, and I wish you would turn my cat into the most handsome prince around." 

The Genie nodded and after a huge cloud of dust cleared, the Genie was gone and so was the lamp. 

The woman looked at herself and she was certainly beautiful. She was surrounded with scads of money in Large Bills. She flung an armful in the air and watched it flutter down around her. She giggled with delight at the mountains of cash. 

Then she turned to look where her adoring cat once stood. There in the feline's place stood a tall, dark, handsome man with chiseled features, a washboard stomach, broad shoulders, and a soccer-players-tush. She walked over to him, he put his arms around her, brushed his hand upon her cheek, looked deep into her eyes and whispered softly,

"Now, aren't you sorry that you had me neutered?"

===============================================================================================

A woman rubbed a bottle and out popped a genie. The amazed woman asked if she got three wishes.

The genie said, "Nope, sorry, three-wish genies are a storybook myth. I'm a one-wish genie. So... what'll it be?"

The woman did not hesitate. She said, "I want peace in the Middle East. See this map? I want these countries to stop fighting with each other and I want all the Arabs to love the Jews and Americans and vice-versa. It will bring about world peace and harmony."

The genie looked at the map and exclaimed, "Lady, be reasonable. These countries have been at war for thousands of years. I'm out of shape after being in a bottle for five hundred years.. I'm good but not THAT good!

I don't think it can be done. Make another wish and please be reasonable."

The woman thought for a minute and said, "Well, I've never been able to find the right man. You know, one that's considerate and fun, romantic, likes to cook and help with the house cleaning, is good in bed, and gets along with my family, doesn't watch sports all the time, and is faithful.

That is what I wish for...a good man."

The genie let out a sigh and said, "Let me see the damn map again."

Doc says this should go to the oxymoron thread.

Doc, I thought that as I submitted the comment....c'est le vive!