I hated school two.

==================================

During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the Director what the criterion was which defined whether or not a patient should be institutionalized.

"Well," said the Director, "we fill up a bathtub, and then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub."

"Oh, I understand," said the visitor. "A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup."

"No." said the Director, "A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a bed near the window?"

DEAR MADAM:

THANK YOU FOR YOUR RECENT ORDER FROM OUR SEX TOYS SHOP.

YOU ASKED FOR THE LARGE RED VIBRATOR AS FEATURED ON OUR WALL DISPLAY.

PLEASE SELECT ANOTHER ITEM BECAUSE THAT IS OUR FIRE EXTINGUISHER.

Well, does that mean the plaid one is out of the question as well?????

After curried cabbage for dinner this evening

the missus and I had a farting contest

I did one... then she did a louder one

I did another much louder one to top hers

She then did another which beat that by far

So I let one almighty rip go and she went two............

continuous minutes longer.

Last year I replaced all the windows in my house with that expensive double-pane energy efficient kind, and today, I got a call from the contractor who installed them. He was complaining that the work had been completed a whole year ago and I still hadn't paid for them. Hellloooo,...........just because I'm blonde doesn't mean that I am automatically stupid. So, I told him just what his fast talking sales guy had told me last year, that in ONE YEAR these windows would pay for themselves! Helllooooo? It's been a year! I told him.  There was only silence at the other end of the line, so I finally just hung up. He never called back. I bet he felt li ke an idiot.

Indian Chief 'Two Eagles' was asked by a white government official, 'You have observed the white man for 90 years. You've seen his wars and his technological advances. You've seen his progress, and t he damage he's done.' The Chief nodded in agreement.

The official continued, 'Considering all these events, in your opinion, where did the white man go wrong?'

The Chief stared at the government official for over a minute and then calmly replied. 'When white man find land, Indians running it, no taxes, no debt, plenty buffalo, plenty beaver, clean water.
Women did all the work, Medicine man free. Indian man spend all day hunting and fishing; all night having sex.'

Then the chief leaned back and smiled. 'Only white man dumb enough to think he could improve system like that.'

To posts 66 and 67

ROFLMFAO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

1. It's important to have a woman who helps at home, who cooks and cleans from time to time, and has a job. 

2. It's important to have a woman who can make you laugh. 

3. It's important to have a woman who you can trust and who doesn't lie to you. 

4. It's important to have a woman who is good in bed and who likes to be with you. 

5. It's very, very important that these four women don't know each other.

A woman and a man are involved in a car accident. 

Both of their cars are totally demolished but amazingly neither of them are hurt. 

After they crawl out of their cars, the woman says, "So you're a man, that's interesting. I'm a woman. Wow, just look at our cars! There's nothing left, but fortunately we are unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace for the rest of our days." 

Flattered, the man replied, "Oh yes, I agree with you completely!" 

"This must be a sign from God!" The woman continued, "And look at this, here's another miracle. My car is completely demolished but this bottle of wine didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune." 

Then she hands the bottle to the man. The man nods his head in agreement, opens it and drinks half the bottle and then hands it back to the woman. The woman takes the bottle, immediately puts the cap back on, and hands it back to the man. 

The man asks, "Aren't you having any?" 

The woman replies, "No. I think I'll just wait for the police..."

This may be a little 'close to the mark but to hell here goes:-

A young man called Chris from London wanted to buy a Christmas present for his new girlfriend.
They hadn't been seeing each other for very long and she lived in Scotland.
Chris consulted with his sister and decided, after careful consideration, that a pair of good quality gloves would strike the right note. not too romantic and not too personal.
Off he went with his sister to Harrods and they selected a dainty pair of fur lined quality leather gloves. His sister bought a pair of sexy knickers for herself at the same time.
Harrods had a free gift wrap offer but the assistant mixed up the two items, the sister got the gloves and Chris unknowingly got the knickers.
Good old Chris sent off his gift wrapped present in a parcel with the following letter.


Dear Maggie,

I chose these because I've noticed that you are not wearing any when we go out in the evenings.  

 If it had not been for my sister I would have chosen the long ones with buttons, but she wears shorter ones (which are easier to remove).

These are a very delicate shade, but the lady I bought them from showed me the pair she had been wearing for the past three weeks and I hardly noticed any marks.

I had her try yours on for me and she looked really smart in them even though they were a little bit tight on her.
She also said that they rub against her ring which helps keep it clean. In fact she hasn't needed to wash it since she began wearing them..

I wish I was there to put them on for you the first time, as no doubt many other hands will touch them before I have a chance to see you again.

When you take them off remember to blow into them a little bit because they will be naturally a little damp from wearing.

Just imagine how many times my lips will kiss them during the coming year.

I hope you will wear them for me on our next date.

All my love,

Chris

P.S. My mum tells me that the latest style is to wear them folded down with a little bit of fur showing.

A wife went in to see a therapist and said, "I've got a big problem doctor. Every time we're in bed and my husband climaxes, he lets out this ear-splitting yell." 

"My dear," the shrink said, "that's completely natural. I don't see what the problem is?" 

"The problem is," she complained, "It wakes me up."

That's a good one Leo!!!!  Yours too Doc!!!!

Angels Explained By Children

I only know the names of two angels, Hark and Harold.

-Gregory, 5

  Everybody's got it all wrong. Angels don't wear halos anymore. I forget why, but scientists are working on it
-Olive, 9

It's not easy to become an angel! First, you die.
 Then you go to Heaven, and then there's still the flight training to go through.
And then you got to agree to wear those angel clothes.
-Matthew, 9

Angels work for God and watch over kids
when God has to go do something else.
-Mitchell, 7

My guardian angel helps me with math,
but he's not much good for science.
-Henry, 8

Angels don't eat, but they drink milk from Holy Cows!!!
-Jack, 6

Angels talk all the way while they're flying you up to heaven. The main subject is where
you went wrong before you got dead.
-Daniel, 9

When an angel gets mad, he takes a deep breath and counts to ten. And when he lets out his breath,
somewhere there's a tornado.
-Reagan, 10

Angels have a lot to do and they keep very busy. If you lose a tooth, an angel comes in through your window and leaves money under your pillow. Then when it gets cold, angels go south for the winter.
-Sara, 6

Angels live in cloud houses made by God and his son, who's a very good carpenter.
-Jared, 8

All angels are girls because they gotta wear dresses,
 and boys didn't go for it.
-Antonio, 9

My angel is my grandma who died last year.
 She got a big head start on helping me while she was still down here on earth.
-Ashley , 9

Some of the angels are in charge of helping heal sick animals and pets. And if they don't make the animals get better, they help the child get over it.
-Vicki, 8

What I don't get about angels is why, when someone is in love, they shoot arrows at them.
-Sarah, 7

  For all the Grandpa's....In my email from a Grandpa!! 

A small boy was lost at a large  shopping mall.

He approached a uniformed  policeman and said, "I've lost my  grandpa!"

"The cop asked, "What's he  like?"

The little boy hesitated for a moment and  then replied,

"Crown  Royal whiskey and women with big tits."  

That is a naughty grandpa!!!

Shucks, I didn't know the little feller had lost me... was too busy perving at big puppies to notice I was missing.

Here's a test:

It's my humble opinion that we've become WAY too dependent on computers.

Question:

Are you male or female?

Answer: (look down)

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

I wrote "Look Down, not Scroll Down....and I think you've got your answer!