A little girl and a little boy were at day care one day. The girl
approaches the boy and says, "Hey Tommy, want to play house?"

Petros was a Greek immigrant man who had worked all his of life, had saved all of his money and was a real 'miser' when it came to his money.

Just before he died, he said to his Greek wife... "Voula, when I die, I want you to take all my money and put it in the casket with me. I want to take my money to the after-life with me."

And so he persuaded Voula to promise him, with all of her heart, that when he died, she would put all of the money into the casket with him.

Well, he died. Petros was stretched out in the casket, his wife was sitting there - dressed in black, (what else) and her best friend Tasia, was sitting next to her.

When they finished the ceremony, and just before the undertaker got ready to close the casket, the wife said, "wait just a moment!"

Voula put a small metal box into the casket. Then the undertaker locked the casket down and they rolled it away...

So her friend said, "Voula!, I know you weren't foolish enough to put all that money in there with him!."

"Listen" Voula said, "I'm a Greek Orthodox wife & I cannot go back on my word. I promised Petros that I was going to put that money in the casket with him."



"You are telling me you put that money in the casket with him!?!?!?"

"I sure did," said the wife. "I got it all together, put it into my account, and wrote him a check. If he can cash it, then he can spend it."

One day a florist goes to a barber for a haircut. After the cut he asked about his bill and the barber replies, 'I cannot accept money from you. I'm doing community service this week.' The florist was pleased and left the shop.

When the barber goes to open his shop the next morning there is a 'thank you' card and a dozen roses waiting for him at his door..

Later, a cop comes in for a haircut, and when he tries to pay his bill, the barber again replies, 'I cannot accept money from you. I'm doing community service this week.' The cop is happy and leaves the shop.

The next morning when the barber goes to open up there is a 'thank you' card and a dozen donuts waiting for him at his door.

Later that day, a college professor comes in for a haircut, and when he tries to pay his bill, the barber again replies, 'I cannot accept money from you. I'm doing community service this week.' The professor is very happy and leaves the shop.

The next morning when the barber opens his shop, there is a 'thank you' card and a dozen different books, such as 'How to Improve Your Business' and 'Becoming More Successful.'

Then, a Member of Parliament comes in for a haircut , and when he goes to pay his bill the barber again replies, 'I cannot accept money from you. I'm doing community service this week.' The Member of Parliament is very happy and leaves the shop.

The next morning when the barber goes to open up, there are a dozen Members of Parliament lined up waiting for a free haircut.

And that, my friends, illustrates the fundamental difference between the citizens of our country and the Members of Parliament

Angus was dying and he said to his best mate Jock! As they lower me into the ground would you pour a bottle of whisky over the coffin.

Jock replied! Aye Angus I would do that but would you mind if I passed it through my kidneys first.

Macca

Some Irish Distillery workers go to a workmates place to inform his wife that he died in an industrial accident: "Look, Mrs O'Donnell, we're sorry to tell you that your husband died at work today."

"What happened to the silly bugger, get drunk and walk in front of a forklift or something?"

"No, ma-am, he fell into a vat of 12 year old Jameson and drowned."

"Well I just hope that he didn't suffer at all."

'No ma-am, he got out 3 time fer a piss."

.............................................................

They cremated him, ya know.... silly buggers.... took 3 days and 4  fire units to put out the fire.

A cop stops a Harley for travelling faster than the posted speed limit, so
he asks the biker his name.

'Fred,' he replies.

'Fred what?' the officer asks.

'Just Fred,' the man responds.

The officer is in a good mood and thinks he might just give the biker a
break and, write him out a warning instead of a ticket. The officer then
presses him for the last name.

The man tells him that he used to have a last name but lost it. The
officer thinks that he has a nut case on his hands but plays along with it. 'Tell
me, Fred, how did you lose your last name?'

The biker replies, 'It's a long story, so stay with me.' I was born Fred
Dingaling. I know -- a funny last name. The kids used to tease me all
the time, so I stayed to myself, studied hard and got good grades. When I got
older, I realized that I wanted to be a doctor. I went through college,
medical school, internship, residency, and finally got my degree, so I was
Fred Dingaling, MD. After a while I got bored being a doctor, so I
decided to go back to school.. Dentistry was my dream! Got all the way through
school, got my degree, so then I was Fred Dingaling, MD, DDS. Got bored
doing dentistry, so I started fooling around with my assistant and she
gave me VD, so now I was Fred Dingaling, MD, DDS, with VD. Well, the ADA
found out about the VD, so they took away my DDS. Then I was Fred Dingaling,
MD, with VD. Then the AMA found out about the ADA taking away my DDS because
of the VD, so they took away my MD leaving me as Fred Dingaling with VD.
Then the VD took away my Dingaling, so now I am Just Fred.'

A guy walks into a bar with an alligator on a leash.  The bartender says; "you can't bring that wild animal into this bar".  The man says; "he is perfectally docile and I an prove it".  The bartender tells him that if he can prove it. the alagator can stay.  So, the guy puts the alagator on top of several bar stools, opens his mouith, takes out his "who-ha" and places it in the alaghators mouth.  He then takes out a large wooden block from his pocket, and wacks the alagator over the head several times.  He then opens the alagators mouth, and withdraws his who-ha, and asks the bartender; "do you see any bite or teath marks?".  The bar tender says" " thats' amaizinging".........does anyone else want to try this?".  A guy at the end of the bar says "I would, as long as he doesn't hit me too hard over the head with that stick".

A man goes to a $10 hooker and contracts crabs.

When he goes back to complain, the hooker laughs and says, "What do you expect for $10 -- lobster?"

A crook mistakenly made a counterfeit $8 bill instead of a $10 bill. He decided to try it out anyway, so he went to the bank and asked for change.

The teller looked at the $8 bill and gave the crook two $4 bills as change.

A man working with an electric saw accidentally cuts off all of his fingers. At the emergency room, his doctor says, "Give me the fingers, and I'll see what I can do."

The injured man replies, "But I don't have the fingers!"

"Why didn't you bring them?" the doctor asks.

The injured man responds, "Doc, I couldn't pick them up."

Bill Gates goes to purgatory.

St. Peter says, "Now Bill, you have done some good things, and you have done some bad things. Now I am going to let you decide where you want to go".

First, St. Peter shows Bill an image of Hell with beautiful women running on beaches. Then, St Peter shows Bill an image of Heaven with robed angels playing harps on clouds.

Bill chooses Hell.

About a week later, St. Peter checks in on Bill in Hell and finds him being whipped by demons.

Bill says to St. Peter, "What happened to all the beautiful women and the beaches?"

St. Peter replies, "That was just the screen saver."

An old couple celebrates their 50th wedding anniversary in their home.

"Just think," the old man says, "we were sitting here at this same breakfast table, naked as jaybirds, 50 years ago."

"Well," the old lady snickers, "what do you say -- should we get naked?"

The two immediately strip to the buff and sit back down at the table. "You know, honey," the little old lady says slyly, "My breasts burn for you now as they did 50 years ago."

"I'm not surprised," replies the old man. "One's in your coffee and the other is in your oatmeal!"

A police officer was staking out a particularly rowdy bar for possible drunk drivers.

At closing time, he saw a fellow stumble out of the bar, trip on the curb and try his keys on five different cars before he found his. Then he sat in the front seat fumbling around with his keys for several minutes.

Everyone left the bar and drove off. Finally, he started his engine and began to pull away.

The police officer was waiting for him. He stopped the driver, read him his rights and administered a Breathalyzer test. The results showed a reading of 0.0. The puzzled officer demanded to know how that could be.

The driver replied, "Tonight, I'm the designated decoy."

That's ok, I'm the designated legend in mine own mind.  

Blonde in Disguise

A policeman was directing traffic at a busy intersection when he observed a blind man and his seeing-eye dog waiting to cross.

To his horror, he watched as the seeing-eye dog bolted across the street, dragging the blind man behind him.

On the other side of the road, the man pulled out a cookie and offered it to his dog.

The officer ran to the blind man and said, "Don't you realize your dog could have killed you, and now you're going to reward him?"

The blind man said to the policeman, "Why, no sir, I'm just trying to find out where his head is so I can kick his ass."

An 86 year old woman is clocked doing 120mph in an 80mph zone by a rookie cop who's still inexperienced and a little wet behind the ears.  He pulls her over and asks for her license and registration.

"Sorry officer" she replied: "I don't have a license and the car isn't registered."

"Please check the glovebox" the officer insists: "your registration papers may be in there."

"Okay officer, as you say,"

The little old lady opens the glovebox and the officer spot a hand gun, to which he asks: "Madam, why do you have a concealed weapon in your glovebox and is it registered?"

"Sorry, officer, the gun is not registered... and that's why I shot my cheating husband with it."

"You shot your husband?" the shocked rookie asks.

"Yes, I shot him!  And that's why I was speeding... so I could get his body out of the trunk and bury him someplace isolated."

"Your husband's body is in the trunk?" the now nervous and rookie asks.

Yup, the son of a bitch is in the trunk."

With that the rookie gets even more flustered and calls in to HQ, explains the situation and requests assistance from a more experienced officer. About 20 mins later a senior sergeant appears on the scene and consults with the rookie before questioning the old lady.

"I understand that you do not have a license or registration, is that true?"

"Why, officer, where would you get that idea?  Of course I have a license and registration, here."

The old lady opens the glovebox and shows the sergeant her license and registration papers.  While the glovebox is open, however, the sergeant notices the gun and asks if she has a permit.

"Why would I need a permit for a toy gun, officer?" the old lady responds: "My grandson forgot and left it in my car last time I drove him to play school."

"So you don't have the body of your husband in your trunk?" asks the sergeant:

"Of course not?" replies the indignant old lady: "Where would you get such an idea?"

"The officer who pulled you over says you do"

"I suppose, then, next thing he'll tell you is that I was speeding?"