Just for laughs

Tuesday, March 29, 2016 by mrs_starkers | Discussion: WinCustomize Talk

Ok, so I have been thinking, I need some laughs as I have been feeling down due to  1 so called daughter that thinks ripping her own cousin off is a good idea and stealing her cousins stuff and then trashing the place and leaving it stinking like a pigsty , my niece Louise has Parkinson's disease and is bringing up her 5 year old son and shes lost her hubby 5 months ago.   I have been away since last Thursday helping Louise to get her house back in order after Bianca and her so called partner and new bub were forced out of Louise's home cos they stopped paying rent and when asked they refused so my niece had no choice but to take them to court to have them removed . and in the mean time Bianca   lies to me and other family members  as to where shes actually  was living what I don't get is why Bianca had to be such a  B*tch to do this to her family its so wrong  yes I am mad, upset, and angry with her but my mind keeps telling me you can't do anything for her she has to fall rock bottom. this is where I need some laughs, I want you to hit me with all your best jokes  so that it passes my day and I can feel happy  again , as they say laughter is the best medicine .... anyway enough of this I need some laughs so get cracking you lot  PLEASEEEE!!!!

 

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mrs_starkers
Reply #141 Wednesday, October 19, 2016 1:00 AM
Image may contain: 1 person , sky, outdoor and nature

While stitching a cut on the hand of a 75 year old farmer, the doctor struck up a conversation with the old man. Eventually the topic got around to Donald Trump and his role as the Republican Nominee for President. The old farmer said, " Well, as I see it, Donald Trump is like a 'Post Tortoise'.'' Not being familiar with the term, the doctor asked him what a 'post tortoise' was. The old farmer said, "When you're driving down a country road and you come across a fence post with a tortoise balanced on top, that's a post tortoise." The old farmer saw the puzzled look on the doctor's face so he continued to explain. "You know he didn't get up there by himself, he doesn't belong up there, he doesn't know what to do while he's up there, he's elevated beyond his ability to function, and you just wonder what kind of dumb ass put him up there to begin with."

Wizard1956
Reply #142 Wednesday, October 19, 2016 4:31 AM

Uvah
Reply #143 Wednesday, October 19, 2016 6:52 AM

LMAO! 

Iben
Reply #144 Sunday, November 20, 2016 8:42 PM

What are the fundamental ingredients of space and time?
Fantasy and delusion in a software simulation.

Wizard1956
Reply #145 Monday, November 21, 2016 2:38 AM

What does an air conditioner have in common with a computer? They both lose efficiency as soon as you open windows.

Wizard1956
Reply #146 Monday, November 21, 2016 2:52 AM

Reaching the end of a job interview, the Human Resources Officer asks a young engineer fresh out of the Massachusetts Institute of Technology, "And what starting salary are you looking for?" The engineer replies, "In the region of $125,000 a year, depending on the benefits package." The interviewer inquires, "Well, what would you say to a package of five weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching retirement fund to 50% of salary, and a company car leased every two years, say, a red Corvette?" The engineer sits up straight and says, "Wow! Are you kidding?" The interviewer replies, "Yeah, but you started it."

Wizard1956
Reply #147 Monday, November 21, 2016 3:40 AM

One day a man was walking in the woods when he got lost. For two days he roamed around trying to find a way out. He had not eaten anything during this period and was famished. Over on a rock ledge he spotted a bald eagle. He killed it, and started to eat it. Surprisingly, a couple of park rangers happen to find him at that moment, and arrested him for killing an endangered species. In court, he pleads innocent to the charges against him, claiming that if he didn't eat the bald eagle he would have died from starvation. The judge ruled in his favor. In the judge's closing statement he asked the man, "I would like you to tell me something before I let you go. I have never eaten a bald eagle, nor ever plan on it, but what did it taste like?" The man answered, "Well, it tasted like a cross between a whooping crane and a spotted owl!"

Wizard1956
Reply #148 Monday, November 21, 2016 4:10 AM

A new patient was quite upset when the doctor’s nurse led him to a small, curtained cubicle and told him to undress. "But I only want the doctor to look at an ingrown toenail!" he protested. "Our rule is that everyone must undress," replied the blond nurse. "That’s a stupid rule," grumbled the patient, "making me undress just to look at my toe." "That’s nothing," growled a voice from the next cubicle. "I just came to fix the phones!"

Wizard1956
Reply #149 Monday, November 21, 2016 4:23 AM

A church's bell ringer passed away. The church posted the job opening in the local newspaper's classified ads and a man came in with no arms wanting the job. The clergy weren't sure he could do it, but he convinced them to let him try it. They climbed the bell tower and the guy ran toward the bell and hit it with his head, producing a beautiful melody. They gave him the job on the spot. The next day he went to ring the bell, tripped, bounced off the bell and fell to the sidewalk below. Two priests were walking past. One asked, "Do you know this guy?" The other responded, "No, but his face rings a bell." The next day, the dead man's twin brother came in for the again vacant bell ringer position. He also had no arms. The clergy led him up to the bell tower, where he ran at the bell, tripped and fell to the sidewalk below. The same two priests walked up. The first asked, "Do you know him?" The second responded, "No, but he's a dead ringer for his brother."

Iben
Reply #150 Thursday, November 24, 2016 12:26 AM

If you don't want to communicate with aliens don't find them.
Once you open the Pandora's box of aliens
you can't close it.

Uvah
Reply #151 Thursday, November 24, 2016 3:10 PM

What was the guy's name that had to plug all the holes in the dam?

Mr. Fantastic

*ok...a little lame*

mrs_starkers
Reply #152 Wednesday, December 21, 2016 7:10 AM

An old married couple no sooner hit the pillows when the old man passes gas and says, 'Seven Points.'
His wife rolls over and says, 'What in the world was that?' The old man replied, 'its fart football.'
A few minutes later his wife lets one go and says, 'Touchdown, tie score...'
After about five minutes the old man lets another one go and says, 'Aha. I'm ahead 14 to 7.'
Not to be outdone the wife rips out another one and says, 'Touchdown, tie score.'
Five seconds go by and she lets out a little squeaker and says, 'Field goal, I lead 17 to 14.' Now the pressure is on for the old man.
He refuses to get beaten by a woman, so he strains real hard.
Since defeat is totally unacceptable, he gives it everything he's got, and accidentally poops in the bed.
The wife says, 'What the hell was that?'
The old man says, 'Half time, switch sides

Wizard1956
Reply #153 Wednesday, December 21, 2016 7:19 AM

austincolin
Reply #154 Thursday, December 22, 2016 1:05 AM

Iben
Reply #155 Wednesday, December 28, 2016 9:09 PM

While I wrote this I was listening to a 20 year old am fm radio.
Please answer this question honestly and don't tell anyone
your answer,just answer in your mind only.
Is the following statement true or false?
The designers of personal computers and the Internet are geniuses.

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