Mick walks into Paddy's barn and catches him dancing naked in front of a tractor.
Mick says, "Oi Paddy, what ya doing?"
Paddy says, "Well me and Mary haven't been getting on in the bedroom lately & the therapist recommended I do something sexy to a tractor."

My husband and i were dressed and ready to go out for a lovely evening of dinner and theatre. Having been burgled in the past, we turned on a 'night light' and the answering machine, then put the cat in the backyard. When our cab arrived, we walked out our front door and our rather tubby cat scooted between our legs inside, then ran up the stairs. Because our cat likes to chase our budgie we really didn't want to leave them unchaperoned so my husband ran inside to retrieve her and put her in the back yard again.

A Lesson in Government

A teacher was teaching her second grade class about the government, so for homework that one day, she told her her students to ask their parents what the government is.

When Little Johnny got home that day, he went up to his dad and ask his what the government was.

His dad thought for a while and answered, ''Look at it this way: I'm the president, your mom is Congress, your maid is the work force, you are the people and your baby brother is the future.''

''I still don't get it'' responded the Little Johnny.

''Why don't you sleep on it then? Maybe you'll understand it better,'' said the dad.

''Okay then...good night'' said Little Jonny went off to bed. In the middle of the night, Little Johnny was awakened by his baby brother's crying. He went to his baby brother's crib and found that his baby brother had taken a crap in his diaper. So Little Johnny went to his parent's room to get help. When he got to his parent's bedroom, he looked through the keyhole to check if his parents were asleep. Through the keyhole he saw his mom loudly snoring, but his dad wasn't there. So he went to the maid's room. When he looked through the maid's room keyhole, he saw his dad having sex with his maid. Little Johnny was surprised, but then he just realized something and thinks aloud, ''OH!! Now I understand the government! The President is screwing the work force, Congress is fast asleep, nobody cares about the people, and the future is full of s**t!''

This elderly chap planted potatoes on his 4 acre property every year. His son ploughed the ground.
But this year the son was in prison.
Dad sent the son a letter, saying he could not proceed on his own, and did the son have any ideas.
The son sent back a letter saying, “Hey dad, don’t dig up the ground. That’s where I buried the bodies”.
The next morning, 200 police arrived at the property, carrying picks and shovels, and dug up every square centimetre.
They found nothing, and left.
The son sent dad another letter, saying, “Dad, you can go ahead with the planting now. That’s all I can do to help”.

                          3 Surgeons

Three surgeons are discussing  who makes the best patients to operate on .

* First surgeon said Electricians are the best, everything inside is color coded.!!

* The second says, " No I think librarians are  everything inside them is in alphabetical order"

* The third surgeon shut them all up  when he said : " You're all wrong . Politicians are the easiest to operate on. There's no  guts, no heart, no balls, no brains and no spine. Plus the head and ass are interchangeable.

Truth to tell.

                                                            Chinese Sick Leave

Ho Chow calls into work and say, 'Hey, I no come into work today,  I really sick.

Got Head ache, stomach ache, and legs hurt, I no come to work '

The boss says, 'You know something Ho Chow, I really need you today .

When I feel sick like you do, I go to my wife and ask her for sex.

That makes everything better and I go to work. You try that,'

Two Hours later Ho Chow calls again. ' I do what you say and I feel great . I be at work soon....

You got nice house.

Shortly it will become compulsory for senior citizens to carry not only their ID, but also their insurance documents, their prescription list, a compact version of their medical file, the statement declaring if they want to be resuscitated after a heart attack, stroke, etc. etc.  Consequently, a lot of paperwork will have to be carried when a senior citizen goes out the front door OR when they travel!
Specifically for this purpose, a special “Senior USB Stick” has been developed.
Take a look below….

Wow! Two Bites of information. Blue Tooth technology to fit your lifestyle. Expanded Memory can be arranged.

" /> Something to chew on.

Golf Party

The Swede's wife steps up to the tee and, as she bends over to place her ball, a gust of wind blows her skirt up and reveals her lack of underwear.

'Good God, woman! Why aren't you wearing any skivvies?', Ole demanded.

Confucius Say: No such thing as rape! 

Woman with dress up runs faster than man with pants down!

Macca

An elderly lady was standing at the railing of the cruise ship
holding her hat tight so that it would not blow away in the wind.

A gentleman approached her and said,
"Pardon me, madam.. I do not intend to be forward but did you know

WELL IT IS SUNDAY

God was missing for six days. Eventually, Michael, the archangel, found him, resting on the seventh day.

He inquired, --- "Where have you been?"

Back in the day, when they stamped each can in the grocery store with a sticker price, there was a store employee doing just that. Standing in the aisle next to him was a lady trying to figure out what she wanted. The employee smelled that this lady had let a silent bomb escape from her ass. Quite annoyed at her indescretion, he said to her, "Wait 'til you see the prices, lady. You'll s**t!"

While playing in the backyard, Little Johnny kills a honeybee. His father sees him killing the honeybee and angrily says, "No honey for you for one month!"

Later that afternoon, Johnny's dad catches him tearing the wings off a butterfly. "That's it! No butter for you for one month!" says his dad.

Later that evening as Johnny's mother cooks dinner, a cockroach run across the kitchen floor. She jumps and stomps on it, and then looks up to find Little Johnny and her husband watching her.

Little Johnny looks at his father and says, "Are you going to tell her, Dad, or do you want me to?"