Just for laughs

Tuesday, March 29, 2016 by mrs_starkers | Discussion: WinCustomize Talk

Ok, so I have been thinking, I need some laughs as I have been feeling down due to  1 so called daughter that thinks ripping her own cousin off is a good idea and stealing her cousins stuff and then trashing the place and leaving it stinking like a pigsty , my niece Louise has Parkinson's disease and is bringing up her 5 year old son and shes lost her hubby 5 months ago.   I have been away since last Thursday helping Louise to get her house back in order after Bianca and her so called partner and new bub were forced out of Louise's home cos they stopped paying rent and when asked they refused so my niece had no choice but to take them to court to have them removed . and in the mean time Bianca   lies to me and other family members  as to where shes actually  was living what I don't get is why Bianca had to be such a  B*tch to do this to her family its so wrong  yes I am mad, upset, and angry with her but my mind keeps telling me you can't do anything for her she has to fall rock bottom. this is where I need some laughs, I want you to hit me with all your best jokes  so that it passes my day and I can feel happy  again , as they say laughter is the best medicine .... anyway enough of this I need some laughs so get cracking you lot  PLEASEEEE!!!!

 

First Previous Page 1 of 8 Next Last
Aussie007
Reply #1 Wednesday, March 30, 2016 12:29 AM

Man with no clothes on is standing in front of a elephant.

The elephant looks at him and says: How do you breathe through that small thing?

Hope this helps

Cheers

Macca

Aussie007
Reply #2 Wednesday, March 30, 2016 1:28 AM

A man comes home from work and catches his wife in bed with 3 men.

He says hello, hello, hello.

Then his wife says: What aren't you talking to me!!!

 

Macca

mrs_starkers
Reply #3 Wednesday, March 30, 2016 1:46 AM

hahaha love em Macca  so funny 

mozler
Reply #4 Wednesday, March 30, 2016 4:25 AM

Man walks into the doctor's surgery with a frog growing out of his head, the doctor said how did that happen,

the frog said " it all started with a boil on my arse"   

starkers
Reply #5 Wednesday, March 30, 2016 5:07 AM

Q:Everything has its ups and downs, so what's the biggest drawback in a circus?

A: An elephant's foreskin

 

I was sitting next to a blonde at a cinema when an ad came on for Loreal Shampoo, the stuff that supposedly put more air in your hair to give it more bounce.

Next thing I hear her say: "I need Loreal so I'll have more air in my hair and less in my head."

 

Irish bloke goes into a drug store 3 days in a row with torn condoms and asks for a larger size.  On the fourth day the bloke comes back in for yet another larger size.  The pharmacy assistant says that this is the largest size they stock, but if he still has issue to come back and she'll speak with the manufacturer about their largest size. 

Sure enough, he's back on the fifth day with yet another pack of torn condoms.  Perplexed, the assistant asks the bloke: "Look, this last pack of condoms should fit an organ of the largest proportions, are you using them correctly?"

Yeah, I read the instructions and where it said 'roll over the organ'.... well we don't got one of those so I used the piano instead."

 

As for the "B*tch", we didn't bring her up that way, and I do have some choice words to describe how I feel, re-what she's done. but I'll keep 'em to myself cos I don't wanna melt the page and ruin it for everyone else.  To say I'm disapponted is a gross underestimation of my feelings on the matter, and that's where I'll leave it.

 

 

mrs_starkers
Reply #6 Wednesday, March 30, 2016 5:36 AM

mozler

" it all started with a boil on my arse"

love it 

starkers

Q:Everything has its ups and downs, so what's the biggest drawback in a circus?

A: An elephant's foreskin



I was sitting next to a blonde at a cinema when an ad came on for Loreal Shampoo, the stuff that supposedly put more air in your hair to give it more bounce.

Next thing I hear her say: "I need Loreal so I'll have more air in my hair and less in my head."



Irish bloke goes into a drug store 3 days in a row with torn condoms and asks for a larger size. On the fourth day the bloke comes back in for yet another larger size. The pharmacy assistant says that this is the largest size they stock, but if he still has issue to come back and she'll speak with the manufacturer about their largest size.

Sure enough, he's back on the fifth day with yet another pack of torn condoms. Perplexed, the assistant asks the bloke: "Look, this last pack of condoms should fit an organ of the largest proportions, are you using them correctly?"

Yeah, I read the instructions and where it said 'roll over the organ'.... well we don't got one of those so I used the piano instead."

Uvah
Reply #7 Wednesday, March 30, 2016 6:22 AM

One I heard back in the day.

Guy owns a dog and claims his dog is the fastest animal alive. His neighbor, being skeptical, challenges him to prove it. Guy says fine and sets up a race between his dog and his neighbor's car. Race starts out at thirty miles an hour and the dog is happily loping alongside. Neighbor ups it to forty and the dog is still happily loping alongside. Neighbor kicks it up to fifty, dog is still keeping up. Sixty then seventy then up to eighty miles an hour. Neighbor is stunned as he sees the dog still alongside his car. Then he slams on the brakes and comes to a screeching halt. Neighbor gets out and the dog is sitting there not even breathing hard. Dog's owner comes and says "See, fastest animal alive". Neighbor says..."He didn't have a red collar on when we started". Owner's reply..."No he didn't. That's his butt hole, you stopped too damn fast".  

mrs_starkers
Reply #8 Wednesday, March 30, 2016 8:24 AM


One I heard back in the day.

 hahaha Uvah loved it

Aussie007
Reply #9 Wednesday, March 30, 2016 2:34 PM

Elderly couple go to the doctor.

Doctor: How can I help you?

Lady: The second time my husband makes love to me he sweats.

Doctor: How old are you?

Lady: 84

Doctor: And your husband?

Lady: 87

Doctor: And the second time he makes love to you he sweats?

Lady: Yes, in the winter he is OK but in the summer oh how he sweats.

 

Cheers

Macca

mrs_starkers
Reply #10 Wednesday, March 30, 2016 10:54 PM

awesome Macca

mrs_starkers
Reply #11 Wednesday, March 30, 2016 11:51 PM

starkers
Reply #12 Wednesday, March 30, 2016 11:53 PM

Man takes his wife to the shrink and informs him that his wife thinks she's a chicken.

"Oh yeah, and how long has this been going on?"

"About 18 months."

" Really!!!  Why didn't you bring her in sooner?"

"Would have, but we needed the eggs."

 

Speaking of eggs....

A man with everything he could ever want is having his 55th birthday and his wife asks what he'd like.  He tells her that he has all he's ever wanted or needed, but that he'd like to see what she's been keeping in a box under the bed for the last 35 years.  "Look!", he said: "I've respected your privacy all these years, but for my birthday I'd really like to see what you've been keeping in there."

She agreed and pulled the box from under the bed.  When he opened it there were two eggs a $50,000, and he asks: "So what are the eggs for?"

She replies: "Oh, those are there for the times I was unfaithful to you."

He thinks about it for a while and decides that twice in 35 years of marriage isn't so bad... like it could be much, much worse.  He then asked what the $50,000 was for.

She replied: "Oh, every time I collected a dozen I sold 'em."

mrs_starkers
Reply #13 Thursday, March 31, 2016 12:05 AM

good one old boy 

Aussie007
Reply #14 Saturday, April 2, 2016 1:30 AM

Traveller goes to the bull fight in Spain.

After the fight he decides to go out for dinner.

He asks the waiter what he suggests to eat.

The waiter suggests the testicles of the bull that lost the fight that day.

After a bit of hesitation he decides to take the waiters advice and to his surprise he finds that they are a real delicacy.

He goes to the next bull fight and after it is over he rushes to the restaurant and orders the same meal.

He does this on a regular basis.

One day he decides not to go to the bull fight but he still goes to the restaurant for his favourite dish.

He is halfway through his meal when he comments to the waiter that the testicles do not seem as large as usual.

Ah say's the waiter. Today the bull won.

Cheers

Macca

Uvah
Reply #15 Saturday, April 2, 2016 9:29 AM

mrs_starkers
Reply #16 Thursday, April 21, 2016 3:24 AM

After nearly 50 years of marriage, a couple was lying in bed one evening, when the wife felt her husband, begin to massage her in ways he hadn't in quite some time. It almost tickled as his fingers started at her neck, and then began moving down past the small of her back. He then caressed her shoulders and neck, slowly worked his hand down, stopping just over her stomach. He then proceeded to place his hand on her left inner arm, working down her side, passing gently over her buttock and down her leg to her calf. Then, he proceeded up her thigh, stopping just at the uppermost portion of her leg. He continued in the same manner on her right side, then suddenly stopped, rolled over and became silent.

As she had become quite aroused by this caressing, she asked in a loving voice, ‘Honey that was wonderful. Why did you stop?' To which he responded: 'I found the remote.'...



mrs_starkers
Reply #17 Thursday, April 21, 2016 3:52 AM

 

 

Say you are an older senior citizen and can no longer take care of yourself and the government says there is no Nursing Home care available for you. So, what do you do? You opt for Medicare Plan G.
The plan gives anyone 75 or older a gun (Plan G) and one bullet. You are allowed to shoot one worthless politician. This means you will be sent to prison for the rest of your life where you will receive three meals a day, a roof over your head, central heating and air conditioning, cable TV, a library, and all the Health Care you need. Need new teeth? No problem. Need glasses? That's great. Need a hearing aid, new hip, knees, kidney, lungs, sex change, or heart? They are all covered!

 

As an added bonus, your kids can come and visit you at least as often as they do now! And, who will be paying for all of this? The same government that just told you they can't afford for you to go into a nursing home. And you will get rid of a useless politician while you are at it. And now, because you are a prisoner, you don't have to pay any more income taxes!

Is this a great country or what? Now that I've solved your senior financial plan, enjoy the rest of your week!


mrs_starkers
Reply #18 Thursday, April 21, 2016 4:00 AM

Two Crocodiles were sitting at the side of the Adelaide River.
The smaller one turned to the bigger one and said,
'I can't understand how you can be so much bigger than me.
We're the same age, we were the same size as kids - I just don't get it.'
'Well,' said the big Croc, 'what have you been eating?'
'Politicians, same as you,' replied the small Croc.
'Hmm. Well, where do you catch them?'
'On the other side of the river near the car park in Darwin.'
'Same here. Hmm.....How do you catch them?' asked the big Croc.
'Well, I crawl up under one of their big Lexus, BMW or Mercedes cars and wait for one to unlock the car door. Then I jump out, grab them by the leg, shake the shit out of them and eat 'em!'
'Ah!' says the big Crocodile, 'I think I see your problem. You're not getting any real nourishment.
See, by the time you finish shaking the shit out of a Politician,
there's nothing much left but an arsehole with a briefcase

Uvah
Reply #19 Thursday, April 21, 2016 6:44 AM

How'd that happen? Down there, under this one

Uvah
Reply #20 Thursday, April 21, 2016 6:53 AM

You're as bad as the cap'n...I love it! On the one about shooting a useless politician.......copied it and pasted it into notepad. There is no way I'm gonna pass this one up. Way To Go Shaunna.   

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