A wife comes home late one night and quietly opens the door to her bedroom. From under the blanket, she sees four legs instead of just her husband's two. She reaches for a baseball bat and starts hitting the blanket as hard as she can. Once she's done, she goes to the kitchen to have a drink. As she enters, she sees her husband there, reading a magazine. He says, "Hi darling, your parents have come to visit us, so I let them stay in our bedroom. Did you say hello?"

omg so funny 

A lady comes home from her doctor's appointment grinning from ear to ear. Her husband asks, "Why are you so happy?" The wife says, "The doctor told me that for a forty-five year old woman, I have the breasts of a eighteen year old." "Oh yeah?" quipped her husband, "What did he say about your forty-five year old ass?" She said, "Your name never came up in the conversation."

A man buys a lie detector robot that slaps people who lie. He decides to test it at dinner. He asks his son, "Son, where were you today during school hours?" "At school." The robot slaps the son. "Okay, I went to the movies!" The father asks, "Which one?" "Harry Potter." The robot slaps the son again. "Okay, I was watching porn!" The father replies, "What? When I was your age I didn't even know what porn was!" The robot slaps the father. The mom chimes in, "Haha! After all, he is your son!" The robot slaps the mother.

A doctor reaches into his smock to get a pen to write a prescription and pulls out a rectal thermometer. "Oh, damn it," he proclaims, "Some asshole has my pen!"

Very Good wizard, I loved them

Two older women were fussing about their husbands over tea one day.

"I do wish my Leroy would stop biting his nails. That makes me terribly nervous," the first one said.

"Oh, my Elmer used to do the same thing," the other woman commented. "But I broke him of that habit real quick."

"What did you do?"

"I hid his teeth."

A lady goes to the doctor and complains that her husband is losing interest in sex. The doctor gives her a pill, but warns her that it's still experimental. He tells her to slip it into his mashed potatoes at dinner, so that night, she does just that. About a week later, she’s back at the doctor, where she says, "Doc, the pill worked great! I put it in the potatoes like you said! It wasn't five minutes later that he jumped up, raked all the food and dishes onto the floor, grabbed me, ripped all my clothes off, and ravaged me right there on the table!" The doctor says, "I’m sorry, we didn’t realize the pill was that strong! The foundation will be glad to pay for any damages." "Nah," she says, "that's okay. We're never going back to that restaurant anyway.

Adam was waiting for his wife to return home from her shopping trip when his doorbell rings. When he opened the door, there were two grim-faced police officers standing there. 
"Can we come in, sir?" asks one of them.
"Of course," replies Adam.
They came in and he shut the door. "How can I help you?" asked Adam.
"Do you have a photo of your wife we could look at?" asked one of the officers.
Of course I have," replies Adam. "Why do you want to see it?"
"Could we please see the photo first," said the other officer, "and then we'll tell you why."
Adam got a recent photo and showed it to them. The police officers studied it carefully, then one of them said to Adam, "I'm sorry sir, but we have to inform you that it looks like your wife got hit by a truck."
Without thinking, Adam replied, "I've known that ever since I met her, but she makes up for it with a great sense of humor!"

Man sunbaking in the nude does the right thing and covers his private parts with his hat.

Woman walks past and says! Sir if you were a gentleman you would raise you hat.

Man replies! Lady if you were pretty it would raise itself.

Several players on the footy team decided that wearing G-strings gave them a tan everywhere except their tockleys, and that they would go to the beach to tan just those parts by burying themselves in the sand and leave their just tockleys showing.  A while later a couple of spinsters are walking by and the first one says: "Well, would you look at that... penises everywhere!"

The second spinster says: "Yeah, they've been scarce as buggery for years and years on end, now they're out here growing in the wild."

Farmer John

Farmer John once lived on a quiet rural highway but as time went by, the traffic slowly built up and eventually got so heavy and so fast that his free range chickens were being run over, at a rate of three to six a week.

So Farmer John called the local police station to complain, "You've got to do something about all these people driving so fast and killing all my chickens," he said to the local police officer.

Did you hear about the fat, alcoholic transvestite - All he wanted to do
was eat, drink and be Mary.

**********************

A man boarded an aeroplane and took his seat. As he settled in, he glanced up and saw the most beautiful woman boarding the plane. He soon realized that she was heading straight towards his seat. As fate would have it, she took the seat right beside his. Eager to strike up a conversation he blurted out, “business trip or pleasure?”

A couple is celebrating their 30 years anniversary of marriage. The husband asks his wife:
- We have grown 12 kids. But Johnny is different from the rest. Please, tell me honestly, I will forgive you, but I wanna know – maybe you have cheated on me?
The wife replies:
- Yes, I did. Johnny is your real son...

   ahhhh so funny doc 

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson went on a camping trip. After a good meal and a bottle of wine, they laid down for the night, and went to sleep. Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friend. "Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see." Watson replied, "I see millions and millions of stars." "What does that tell you?" Watson pondered for a minute. "Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies, and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful and that we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you?" Holmes was silent for a minute, then spoke. "It tells me that someone has stolen our tent."