Saturday funnies
Saturday, November 15, 2008 by teddybearcholla | Discussion: WinCustomize Talk
I hope these bring a smile, I myself was laughing very hard!!! No disrespect meant to anyone, and no one killed in the making of, either!!! 
The first one... 
A dog is truly a man's best friend.
If you don't believe it, just try this experiment.
Put your dog and your wife in the trunk of the car for an hour.
When you open the trunk, who is really happy to see you????????
The second... 
A man with a pegleg, hook hand and an eyepatch went to apply to be a pirate.
Interviewer: How did you get that pegleg?
Pirate: Arrr. I got me leg shot off during the first world war.
Interviewer: How did you get that hook?
Pirate: I got me hand cut off by a big knife.
Interviewer: What about your eyepatch?
Pirate: It was a rainy afternoon and I looked up into the sky and a bird crapped in me eye.
Interviewer: And that put your eye out?
Pirate: No, it was the day after I got me hook.
And last, but not least.... 
The foreman points out a huge pile of sand. He says to the Italian guy, 'You're in charge of sweeping.'
To the Scotsman he says, 'You're in charge of shoveling.'
And to the Chinese guy, 'You're in charge of supplies.'
He then says, 'Now, I have to leave for a little while. I expect you guys to make a dent in that there pile of sand.'
So when the foreman returns, after being away for a couple of hours, the pile of sand is untouched. He asks the Italian, 'Why didn't you sweep any of it?'
The Italian replies, ' I no hava no broom You saida to the Chinese-a-fella that he was in charge of supplies, but he has a disappeared and I no could finda him nowhere.'
Then the foreman turns to the Scotsman and says, 'And you, I thought I told you to shovel this pile.'
The Scotsman replies, 'Aye, that ye did laddie, boot ah couldnay get meself a shoovel! Ye left that Chinese gadgie in chairge of supplies, boot ah couldnay fin' him neither.'
The foreman is really angry now. He storms off toward the pile of sand to look for the Chinese guy. Just then, the Chinese guy leaps out from behind the pile of sand and yells....................'SUPPLIES!!!!'
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Reply #343 Sunday, March 8, 2009 12:54 PM
Being this is the Saturday Funnies thread and yesterday was Saturday, I guess this is the right place...
Yesterday a scantily clad Playboy lass was doing a sex survey in my neighbourhood and finally got to my door....
"Sir, do you smoke after intercourse?" she asked.
Me: "Dunno, never bothered to check!"
Then she asked: "Do you speak to your wife during sex?"
Me: "Yeah, if there's a phone handy."
Reply #345 Monday, March 9, 2009 12:43 AM
Hehe... that's when the fight started.
Now whatever happened to that thread?
Reply #346 Tuesday, March 10, 2009 8:08 AM
waitress asks them for their orders.
The man says, 'A hamburger, fries and a coke,' and turns to the ostrich,
'What's yours?'
'I'll have the same,' says the ostrich.
A short time later the waitress returns with the order 'That will be $9.40
please,' and the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change
for payment.
The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man says, 'A
hamburger, fries and a coke.'
The ostrich says, 'I'll have the same.'
Again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.
This becomes routine until the two enter again. 'The usual?' asks the
waitress.
'No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato and a
salad,' says the man.
'Same,' says the ostrich.
Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, 'That will be $32.62.'
Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and places it on
the table.
The waitress cannot hold back her curiosity any longer. 'Excuse me, sir. How
do you manage to always come up with the exact change in your pocket every
time?'
'Well,' says the man, 'several years ago I was cleaning the attic and found
an old lamp. When I rubbed it, a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes.
My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put
my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there.'
'That's brilliant!' says the waitress. 'Most people would ask for a million
dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long
as you live!'
'That's right. Whether it's a litre of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact
money is always there,' says the man.
The waitress asks, 'What's with the ostrich?'
The man sighs, pauses and answers, 'My second wish was for a tall chick with
a big ass and long legs who agrees with everything I say.'
Reply #350 Wednesday, March 11, 2009 2:16 AM
I know a similar one where a guy goes into a bar with an ostrich and a cat...
*Be warned, it is naughty... so please do not read on if you re easily offended.*
Anyhow the guy order 3 beers and they drink them
Then the ostrich orders 3 beers and they drink them.
When it come time for the cat to buy a round, he retorts: "Come off it, I got the last round!"
Well, rather than cause a fuss, the guy buys another round of beers and they drink them.
The ostrich buys the next round and they drink them.
Howver, when they look at the cat, he again protests and says: "Oi, you blokes have lousy memories... I got the last round."
Again the guy doesnt want to cause a scene, so approaches the barkeep for another round.
"Look," the barkeep asks: "it's rather unusual to see a guy in a bar drinking with a cat and an ostrich... what's the story?"
The guy replies: "To cut a long story short, I found this bottle washed up on the beach, and when I rubbed it a genie popped out and granted me a wish. I wished for a bird with long legs and a tight pussy... and this is what I ended up with."
Reply #351 Wednesday, March 11, 2009 2:32 AM
DR. SEUSS EXPLAINS COMPUTERS
If a packet hits a pocket on a socket on a port,
and the bus is interrupted as a very last resort,
and the address of the memory makes your floppy disc abort,
then the socket packet pocket has an error to report.
If your cursor finds a menu item followed by a dash,
and the double-clicking icon puts your window in the trash,
and your data is corrupted 'cause the index does not flash,
then your situation's hopeless and your system's gonna crash!
If the label on the cable on the table at your house,
says the network is connected to the button on your mouse,
but your packets want to tunnel on another protocol,
that's repeatedly rejected by the printer down the hall,
and your screen is all distorted by the side effects of gauss,
so your icons in the window are as wavy as a souse,
then you may as well reboot and go out with a bang,
'cause as sure as I'm a poet, the suckers gonna hang.
When the copy of your floppy's getting sloppy on the disc,
and the micro code instructions cause unnecessary risk,
then you have to flash your memory, and you'll want to RAM your ROM...
Quickly turn off your computer and go and tell your Mom.
Reply #352 Wednesday, March 11, 2009 2:55 AM
Blonde In The Snowstorm
It was snowing heavily and blowing to the point that visibility was almost zero, when the little blonde got off work. She made her way to the parking lot and wondered how she was going to make it home.
She sat in her car while it warmed up and thought about her snowy situation. She then remembered her daddy's advice that if she ever got caught in a blizzard, she should wait for a snowplow to come by and follow it. That way she would not get stuck in a snow drift. This made her feel much better and sure enough, in a little while, a snowplow went by and she started to follow it.
As she followed the snowplow, she was feeling very smug as they continued and she was not having any problem with the blizzard conditions. After quite some time had passed, she was somewhat surprised when the snowplow stopped and the driver got out and came back to her car and signalled for her to roll down her window.
The snowplow driver wanted to know if she was all right, as she had been following him for a long time. She said that she was fine and told him of her daddy's advice to follow a snowplow when caught in a blizzard.
The driver replied that it was okay with him and she could continue if she wanted, but he was done with the Wal-Mart parking lot and was going over to Home Depot next.
Reply #353 Wednesday, March 11, 2009 2:57 AM
language instructor was explaining to her class that French nouns, unlike their English counterparts, are grammatically designated as masculine or feminine.
Things like 'chalk' or 'pencil,' she described, would have a gender association although in English these words were neutral. Puzzled, one student raised his hand and asked, "What gender is a computer?"
The teacher wasn't certain which it was,and so divided the class into two groups and asked them to decide if a computer should be masculine or feminine. One group was comprised of the women in the class, and the other, of men. Both groups were asked to give four reasons for their recommendation.
The group of women concluded that computers should be referred to in masculine gender because: 1. In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on. 2. They have a lot of data but are still clueless. 3. They are supposed to help you solve your problems, but half the time they ARE the problem. 4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that, if you had waited a little longer, you could have had a better model.
The men, on the other hand, decided that computers should definitely be referred to in the feminine gender because: 1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic. 2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else. 3. Even your smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory for later retrieval. 4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories.
Reply #354 Wednesday, March 11, 2009 3:07 AM
Henry Ford dies and goes to heaven.
At the Gates, St. Peter greets Ford, and tells him, "Well, you've been such a good guy, and your invention...the assembly line for the automobile...changed the world. As a reward, you can hang out with anyone in Heaven you want."
Ford thinks about it, and says, - "I want to hang out with God Himself."
So, the befuddled St. Peter takes Ford to the Throne Room,and introduces him to God. Ford then asks God, "When you invented Woman, what were You thinking?"
God asks, "What do you mean?" Well," says Ford, "You have some major design flaws in your invention.
1. There's too much front end protrusion. 2. It chatters way too much at high speeds. 3. Maintenance is extremely high. 4. It constantly needs repainting, and refinishing. 5. It is out of commission at least 5 or 6 days of every 28 6. The rear end wobbles too much. 7. The intake is placed too close to the exhaust. 8. The headlights are usually too small. 9. Fuel consumption is outrageous.
And that's just to name a few."
"Hmmm...," replies God, "Hold on a minute." God goes over to the Celestial Supercomputer, types in a few keystrokes, and waits for the results. In no time the computer prints out a report, and God reads it.
God then turns to Ford, and says, "It may be that my design is flawed, but according to these statistics, more men are riding my invention than yours."
Reply #355 Wednesday, March 11, 2009 3:18 AM
Flat tire....
Yesterday I had a flat tire on the highway, so I eased my car over to the shoulder of the road, carefully got out of the car and opened the trunk.
I took out 2 cardboard men, unfolded them and stood them at the rear of my car facing oncoming traffic. They look so life-like you wouldn't believe it! They are in trench coats, exposing their nude bodies and private parts to the approaching drivers.
I started to change my tire, and to my surprise, cars started slowing down looking at my life -like men. And of course, traffic started backing up. Everybody was tooting their horns and waving like crazy.
It wasn't long before an OPP pulled up behind me.
He got out of his car and started walking towards me. I could tell he was not a happy camper! "What's going on here?"
"My car has a flat tire," I said calmly.
"Well, what the hell are those obscene cardboard men doing here by the road?"
I couldn't believe that he didn't know. So I told him, "Hello-o-o-o, those are my emergency flashers."
Reply #356 Wednesday, March 11, 2009 3:24 AM
There was a young Scotsman called Andy,
Who knocked over his bottle of Shandy.
He lifted his kilt,
To wipe up what he spilt,
And the barmaid said, "Blimey! That's handy!"
--------------------------------------
There once was a young Irish woman who went to confession. Upon entering
the confessional she said, "Forgive me Father, for I have sinned." The
priest said, "Confess your sins and be forgiven." The young woman said,
"Last night my boyfriend made mad passionate love to me seven times."
The priest thought long and hard and then said, "Take seven lemons and
squeeze them into a glass and then drink it."
The young woman asked, "Will this cleanse me of my sins?"
The priest said "NO, but it will wipe the smile off of your face."
Reply #357 Wednesday, March 11, 2009 3:29 AM
A man suspected his wife was cheating on him, so when
he left town, he hired a famous Chinese detective to
investigate. A few days later he received this letter.
Most Honorable Sir,
You leave house,
He come to house.
He and she leave house,
I follow.
He and she go to hotel,
I climb tree to see.
He kiss she,
she kiss he.
He strip she,
she strip he.
I play with me,
I fall out of tree,
I not see.
No fee,
Chen Lee
Reply #358 Wednesday, March 11, 2009 3:32 AM
A lady was in a hardware store looking at a
fishing poles. She asked the store manager how
much it was he said 'I am blind drop it on the
ground and i'll tell ya. She dropped it on the
ground.'Aahh that's 10.00.'
She bent down and let a big fart that everyone
heard. But, she really wanted the pole so she
picked it up. And went to pay for it. 'That
will be 20.00'
'But you said 10.00'
'10.00 extra for the stink bait and duck call.
Reply #359 Thursday, March 12, 2009 7:59 AM
thank you Shaunna!!! 
--- Bottle of Merlot
A man asked a waiter to take a bottle of Merlot to an unusually attractive woman sitting alone at a table in a cozy little restaurant. So the waiter took the Merlot to the woman and said, 'This is from the gentleman who is seated over there.' ..and indicated the sender with a nod of his head.
She stared at the wine coolly for a few seconds, not looking at the man, then decided to send a reply to him by a note. The waiter, who was lingering nearby for a response, took the note from her and conveyed it to the
gentleman. The note read: 'For me to accept this bottle, you need to have a Mercedes in your garage, a million dollars in the bank and 7 inches in your pants'.
After reading the note, the man decided to compose one of his own in return.. He folded the note, handed it to the waiter and instructed him to deliver it to the lady. It read: 'Just to let you know things aren't always
what they appear to be, I have a Ferrari Maranello, BMW Z8, Mercedes CL600, and a Porsche Turbo in my several garages; I have beautiful homes in Aspen, Miami and a 10,000 acre ranch in Louisiana . There is over twenty million dollars in my bank account and portfolio. But, not even for a woman as beautiful as you are, would I cut off three inches.. Just send the bottle back.
Reply #360 Thursday, March 12, 2009 8:02 AM
I like this one, not really a *funny* but something to think about!!! 
A young couple moves into a new neighborhood.
The next morning, while they are eating breakfast,
the young woman sees the neighbor hang up the wash outside.
“That laundry is not very clean,” she said, “she doesn't know
how to wash correctly. Perhaps she needs another laundry soap.”
The husband looked on, but remained silent.
Every time her neighbor would hang out the wash, the young woman would make the same comment.
About one month later, the woman was surprised to see a nice clean wash on the line and said to her husband, “Look! She has learned how to wash correctly.
I wonder who taught her this?”
To which her husband replied, “I got up early this morning and washed the windows.”
And so it is with life: What we see while watching others,
depends on the purity of the window through which we look through. 
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Reply #341 Sunday, March 8, 2009 10:07 AM
A man absolutely hated his wife's cat and decided to get rid of him one day by driving him 20 blocks from his home and leaving him at the park. As he arrived home, the cat was walking up the driveway.
The next day he decided to drive the cat 40 blocks away. He put the beast out and headed home. Driving back up his driveway, there was the cat!
He kept taking the cat further and further, and the cat would always beat him home. At last he decided to drive a few miles away, turn right, then left, past the bridge, then right again and another right until he reached what he thought was a safe distance from his home and left the cat there.
Hours later the man calls home to his wife: "Jen, is the cat there?"
"Yes", the wife answers, "why do you ask?"
Frustrated, the man answered, "Put the little bastard on the phone, I'm lost and need directions."