A man walks into a bar. The bartender says to the guy, "What can I get you?"

"Make it a whisky," says the man who promptly throws it down in one gulp.

"That will be three dollars," says the bartender.

"Screw you!" says the man. "You offered to get me something. I thought you were paying."

"Get out," says the bartender. "You're banned. I don't need your crap."

Anyway, two years later, the same man walks into same bar with the same bartender.

The bartender looks at him and says, "You're the asshole who tried to con a drink out of me, aren't you?"

"Excuse me, but I have no idea what you are talking about," says the customer. "I've never been to this bar before in my life!"

"Sorry. My mistake," says the bartender. "You must have a double."

"Hey thanks, dude!" says the customer. "Make it whisky."

. good one Wiz!!!!

Each year the Washington Post's  "Style Invitational" asks readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new definition. Here are some winners:

Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.

Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.

Foreploy: Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid.

Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.

Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.

Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.

Hipatitis: Terminal coolness.

Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease.

Karmageddon: It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like, a serious bummer.

Glibido: All talk and no action.

Dopeler Effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.

Ignoranus: A person who's both stupid and an asshole.

A blind man walks into a restaurant and sits down.
The waiter, who is also the owner, walks up to the
blind man and hands him a menu. 
"I'm sorry sir, but I am blind, and can't read the
menu. Just bring me a dirty fork from a previous
customer, I'll smell it and order from there." 
A little confused, the owner walks over to the dirty
dish pile and picks up a greasy fork. He returns to
the blind man's table and hands it to him. The blind
man puts the fork to his nose and takes in a deep
breath. "Ah, yes that's what I'll have, meatloaf and
mashed potatoes." 
Unbelievable, the owner says to himself as he walks
towards the kitchen. The cook happens to be the owner's
wife and he tells her what had just happened. The blind
man eats his meal and leaves. 

Several days later the blind man returns and the owner
mistakingly brings him a menu again. "Sir, remember me?
I'm the blind man."
"I'm sorry, I didn't recognize you. I'll go get you a
dirty fork." 
The owner again retrieves a dirty fork and brings it to
the blind man. After another deep breath, the blind man
says, "That smells great, I'll take the Macarroni and
chesse with broccoli. Once again walking away in disbelief,
the owner thinks the blind man is screwing around with him
and tells his wife that the next time the blind man comes
in he's going to test him. 
The blind man eats and leaves. 

He returns the following week, but this time the owner see's
him coming and runs to the kitchen. He tells his wife, "Mary
rub this fork on your panties before I take it to the blind man." 
Mary complies and hands her husband the fork back. As the blind
man walks in and sits down, the owner is ready and waiting. 
"Good afternoon sir, this time I remembered you and I already have
the fork ready for you." 
The blind man puts the fork to his nose, takes a deep whiff and
says, "Hey I didn't know that Mary worked here?"

A Cowboy riding down the trail encounters an Indian laying on the trail 
with hard on. The Cowboy asks "what are you doing?" Indian says" Me tellum 
time." Cowboy shakes his head, rides on, encounters another exactly the 
same. Says "You telling time?" yup" "how can you tell time like that?" 
Indian says "workum like sundial, readum shadow". Cowboy, incredulous, 
rides on. Encounters Indian in trail masturbating. Cowboy says "let me 
guess, you're telling time too." Indian says " Nope. But me windum clock!" 

too funny mrs. captain!!!! 

 Read slowly....

An elderly couple, who were both widowed, had been going out with each other for a long time. Urged on by their friends, they decided it was finally time to get married.

Before the wedding, they went out to dinner and had a long conversation regarding how their marriage might work.  They discussed finances, living arrangements, and so on.

Finally, the old gentleman decided it was time to broach the subject of their physical relationship.               

“How do you feel about sex?” he asked, rather tentatively.

“I would like it infrequently” she replied.

The old gentleman sat quietly for a moment, adjusted his glasses, then leaned over towards her and whispered:
   
“Is that one word or two?”

> Golf  Stories
>
>
>
> A husband and wife  are on the 9th green when suddenly she collapses from a  heart attack!
>
>  "Help me dear,"  she groans to her husband.
>
> The husband calls  911 on his cell phone, talks for a few minutes, picks up  his putter, and lines up his putt.
>
> His wife raises her head off the green and stares at him.  "I'm dying here and you're putting?"
>
> "Don't worry  dear," says the husband calmly, " they found a doctor on the second hole and he's coming to help you."
>
> "Well, how long will it take for  him to get here," she asks  feebly?
>
> "No time at all," says her husband. "Everybody's  already agreed to let him play  through."
>           -------------------------------------------------
>
> A gushy reporter told Phil Michelson, "You are spectacular, your name is  synonymous with the game of golf.  You really know your way around the course.  What's your  secret?"
>
> Michelson replied, "The holes are numbered"
>               -----------------------------
>
> A young man and a priest are playing  together.  At a short par-3 the priest asks, "What are you going to use  on this hole my son? "
>
> The young man says, "An 8-iron, father.  How about  you?"
>
> The priest says, "I'm going to hit a soft seven and pray.  "
>
> The young man hits his 8-iron and puts the ball on the green. The priest tops  his 7-iron and dribbles the ball out a few yards.  The young man says, "I  don't know about you father, but in my church, when we pray, we keep our head  down."
>
>                ----------- ------- ------------
>
> Police are called to an apartment and find a woman holding a bloody 5-iron  standing over a lifeless man.  The detective asks,"Ma'am, is that your  husband?"
>
> "Yes " says the woman.
>
> "Did you hit him with that golf club?"
>
> Yes, yes, I did.."  The woman begins to sob, drops the club, and puts  her, hands on her face.
>
> "How many times did you hit him?"
>
> "I don't know, five, six, maybe seven times.....just put me down for a  five."
>
> ------------------------------
> A golfer teed up his ball on the first tee, took a mighty swing and hit his  ball into a clump of trees.  He found his ball and saw an opening between  two trees he thought he could hit through. Taking out his  3-wood, he took a mighty swing. The ball hit a tree, bounced back, hit him in  the forehead and killed him.
>
> As he approached the gates of Heaven, St. Peter asked, "Are you a good  golfer?"
>
> The man replied: "Got here in two, didn't  I?"
>
>            ------------------------------
>
> The bride was escorted down the aisle and when she reached the altar, the groom was standing there with his golf bag and clubs at his side.
>
> She said: "What are your golf clubs doing here?"
>
> He looked her right in the eye and said, "This isn't going to take all day, is it?"

His request approved, the Fox News photographer quickly used a cell phone to call the local airport to charter a flight. He was told a twin engine plane would be waiting for him at the airport.

Arriving at the airfield, he spotted a plane warming up outside a hanger. He jumped in with his bag, slammed the door shut, and shouted, 'Let's go'.

The pilot taxied out, swung the plane into the wind and took off. Once in the air, the photographer instructed the pilot, 'Fly over the valley and make low passes so I can take pictures of the fires on the hillsides.'

'Why?' asked the pilot.

'Because I'm a photographer for Fox Cable News,' he responded. 'And I need to get some close up shots.'

The pilot was strangely silent for a moment, finally he stammered,


'So, what you're telling me, is . .. you're NOT my flight instructor?

=============================================================================================

Sent by a friend:

Top This One For A Speeding Ticket

Two California Highway Patrol Officers were conducting speeding enforcement on I-15, just north of the Marine Corps Air Station at Miramar. One of the officers was using a hand held radar device to check speeding vehicles approaching the crest of a hill.  The officers were suddenly surprised when the radar gun began reading 300 miles per hour. The officer attempted to reset the radar gun, but it would not reset and then turned off.
 
Just then a deafening roar over the treetops revealed that the radar had in fact locked on to a USMC F/A-18 Hornet which was engaged in a low flying exercise near the location.
 
Back at the CHP Headquarters the Patrol Captain fired off a complaint to the USMC Base Commander. The reply came back in true USMC style:

Thank you for your letter.  We can now complete the file on this incident.

You may be interested to know that the tactical computer in the Hornet had detected the presence of, and subsequently locked on to your hostile radar equipment and automatically sent a jamming signal back to it, which is why it shut down. 

Furthermore, an Air-to-Ground missile aboard the fully armed aircraft had also automatically locked on to your equipment location.

Fortunately, the Marine Pilot flying the Hornet recognized the situation for what it was, quickly responded to the missile system alert status and was able to override the automated defense system before the missile was launched to destroy the hostile radar position.

The pilot also suggests you cover your mouths when cussing at them, since the video systems on these jets are very high tech.
Sergeant Johnson, the officer holding the radar gun, should get his dentist to check his left rear molar. It appears the filling is loose. Also, the snap is broken on his holster.

Thank you for your concern.
 
Semper Fidelis

A  little girl asked her mother, "Mom, may I take the dog for a walk
around the block?"

Mom replies, "No, because she is on heat."
"What's that mean?" asked the child. "Go ask your father. I think he's in
the garage."

The little girl goes to the garage and says, "Dad, may I take Belle for a
walk around the block? I asked Mom, but she said the dog was on heat, and
to come to you".

Dad said, "Bring Belle over here." He took a rag, soaked it with petrol,
and scrubbed the dog's backside with it and said, "Okay, that should take
care of that problem, You can go now, but keep Belle on the leash and only
go one time around the block."

The little girl left, and returned a few minutes later with no dog on the
leash.

Surprised, Dad asked, "Where's Belle?"
The little girl said, "She ran out of petrol about halfway around the
block, so another dog is pushing her home".

Bob and Jim walk into a bar. Bob says, "Hey Donkeyboy, get me a drink." The bartender gets him a drink.

Bob says, "Donkeyboy, get me another drink." The bartender gets him another drink.

Finally, Jim asks the bartender, "Why does he call you Donkeyboy?"

"I don't know. Hehaw-hehaw-he always calls me that."

A guy walks into a bar and says to the barman, "Give me six double vodkas."

The barman says, "Wow, you must have had one hell of a day."

"Yeah, I just found out my oldest son is gay."

The next day, the same guy comes into the bar and asks for six more double vodkas. When the bartender asks what's wrong, the man says, "I just found out that my youngest son is gay, too!"

On the third day, the guy comes into the bar and orders another six double vodkas. The bartender says, "Jesus! Doesn't anybody in your family like women?"

The man downs the first drink and shakes his head, "Yeah, my wife!"

If this has been up b4 I appoligise, its just that a friend of mine sent it too me and i wanted to share it here

 
Never Argue with a Woman 

One morning the husband returns after several hours of fishing and decides to take a nap. Although not familiar with the lake, the wife decides to take the boat out. She motors out a short distance, anchors, and reads her book.


Along comes a Game Warden in his boat. He pulls up alongside the woman and says, 'Good morning, Ma'am. What are you doing?'
'Reading a book,' she replies, (thinking, 'Isn't that obvious?')
 


'You're in a Restricted Fishing Area,' he informs her.
 


'I'm sorry, officer, but I'm not fishing. I'm reading'
 

 
'Yes, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment.  I'll have to take you in and write you up.'
 


'For reading a book,' she replies,

'You're in a Restricted Fishing Area,' he informs her again,
'I'm sorry, officer, but I'm not fishing. I'm reading'
 

'Yes, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment.  I'll have to take you in and write you up.'
 


'If you do that, I'll have to charge you with sexual assault,' says the woman.
 

'But I haven't even touched you,' says the game warden.

'That's true, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment.'
 


'Have a nice day ma'am,' and he left.


 

MORAL: Never argue with a woman who reads. It's likely she can also think.

A renowned gorilla hunter advertises for an assistant and a young man applies succussfully fot the job.

The next morning the two of them take off with a shotgun and a very randy dog.  Upon spying their first gorilla the hunter goes up the tree shakes it like all buggery and the gorilla falls out.  The dog then promptly mounts the gorilla and rogers it to death.

This goes on all day - the hunter shakes the tree until the gorilla falls out for the dog to roger it - but the assistant says nothing, goes home rather perplexed but turns up for work the next morning as arranged.

The same thing goes on right up until lunchtime and the assistant can hold his curiosity no longer, so asks the hunter what his purpose was if he has the gun but is never required to fire it.

"Well it's like this," says the hunter: "I go up the tree, shake the buggery out of it until the gorilla falls out, and as soon as it hits the grounf Fido takes care of the rest.   You're here just in case I happen to be the one that falls out.  If that happens, you shoot the effing dog.

A 60-year-old man went to the doctor for a check-up. The doctor told him, "You're in terrific shape. There's nothing wrong with you. Why, you might live forever. You have the body of a 35 year old. By the way, how old was your father when he died?"

The 60 year old responded, "Who said he was dead?"

The doctor was surprised and asked, "How old is he and is he very active?"

The 60 year old responded, "Well, he is 82 years old and he still goes skiing three times a season and surfing three times a week during the summer."

The doctor couldn't believe it. "Well, how old was your grandfather when he died?"
The 60 year old responded again, "Who said he was dead?"

The doctor was astonished. He said, "You mean to tell me you are 60 years old and both your father and your grandfather are alive? Is your grandfather very active?"

The 60 year old said, "He goes skiing at least once a season and surfing once a week during the summer. Not only that," said the patient, "my grandfather is 106 years old, and next week he is getting married again."

The doctor said, "At 106 years old, why on earth would your grandfather want to get married?"

His patient looked up at the doctor and said, "Who said he wanted to?"

The teenage granddaughter comes downstairs for her date with this see-through blouse on and no bra. Her grandmother just has a fit, telling her not to dare go out like that.

The teenager tells her "Loosen up Grams. These are modern times.
You gotta let your rosebuds show!" and out she goes.

The next day the teenager comes downstairs, and the grandmother is sitting there with no top on. The teenager wants to die.

She explains to her grandmother that she has friends coming over and that it is just not appropriate.

"Loosen up, sweetie. If you can show off your rosebuds, then I can display my hanging baskets."

1Q. What is the difference between in-laws and outlaws?
1A. Outlaws are wanted.

2Q. What should a woman say to man she's just had sex with?
2A. Whatever she wants. He's sleeping.

3Q. Where does virgin wool come from?
3A. Ugly sheep.

4Q. How do you spot a blind man at a nudist colony? 
4A. It isn't hard.

Perks of being over 40...

1. Kidnappers are not very interested in you.
2. In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first.
3. No one expects you to run into a burning building.
4. People call at 9 PM and ask, "Did I wake you?"
5. People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.
6. There is nothing left to learn the hard way.
7. Things you buy now won't wear out.
8. You can eat dinner at 4 P.M.
9. You can live without sex but not without glasses.
10. You enjoy hearing about other peoples operations.
11. You get into heated arguments about pension plans.
12. You have a party and the neighbors don't even realize it.
13. You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.
14. You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks into the room.
15. You sing along with elevator music.
16. Your eyes won't get much worse.
17. Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.
18. Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than the national weather service.
19. Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember them either.
20. Your supply of brain cells is finally down to manageable size.
21. You can't remember who sent you this list.

@ Reply #377  good one doc

Three men were discussing aging on the steps of the nursing home.

"Sixty is the worst age to be," announced the 60 year old. "You always feel like you have to pee. And most of the time, you stand at the toilet and nothing comes out!"

"Ah, that's nothing," said the 60 year old. "When you're 70, you can't take a crap anymore. You take laxatives, eat bran - you sit on the toilet all day and nothing comes out !"

"Actually," said the eighty year old, "Eighty is the worst age of all."
"Do you have trouble peeing too?", asked the sixty year old.
"No ... not really. I pee every morning at 6AM. I pee like a race horse - no problem at all."

"Do you have trouble taking a crap?", asked the 70 year old.
"No, not really. I have a great bowel movement every morning at 6:30."

With great exasperation, the 60 year old said, "Let me get this straight. You pee every morning at six o'clock and take a crap every morning at six thirty. What's so tough about being eighty?"

To which the eighty year old replied - "I don't wake up until ten!"