In 1986, Mkele Mbembe was on holiday in Kenya after graduating from Northwestern University. On a hike through the bush, he came across a young bull elephant standing with one leg raised in the air. The elephant seemed distressed, so Mbembe approached it very carefully. He got down on one knee and inspected the elephant's foot and found a large piece of wood deeply embedded in it.

As carefully and as gently as he could, Mbembe worked the wood out with his hunting knife, after which the elephant gingerly put down its foot. The elephant turned to face the man, and with a rather curious look on its face, stared at him for several tense moments. Mbembe stood frozen, thinking of nothing else but being trampled. Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned, and walked away.

Mbembe never forgot that elephant or the events of that day.
Twenty years later, Mbembe was walking through the Chicago Zoo with his teenaged son. As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures turned and walked over to near where Mbembe and his son Tapu were standing. The large bull elephant stared at Mbembe, lifted its front foot off the ground, then put it down. The elephant did that several times then trumpeted loudly, all the while staring at the man.

Remembering the encounter in 1986, Mbembe couldn't help wondering if this was the same elephant.

Mbembe summoned up his courage, climbed over the railing and made his way into the enclosure. He walked right up to the elephant and stared back in wonder. The elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around one of Mbembe' s legs and slammed him against the railing, killing him instantly.

Probably wasn't the same elephant.

Better they should stand barefoot in salt water and stick wet fingers in the socket! See who lights up first...them or the clients. 

Ireland attacks.

Osama was sitting in his office wondering who to terrorise next when his telephone rang. "Hallo, Mr. Bin Laden!", a heavily accented voice said. "This is Paddy down at the Harp Pub in County Sligo, Ireland. I am ringing to inform you that we are officially declaring war on you!"
"Well, Paddy," Osama replied, "This is indeed important news! How big is your army?"
"Right now," said Paddy, after a moment's calculation, "there is myself, my cousin Sean, my next door neighbor Seamus, and the entire dart team from the pub. That makes eight!"
Osama paused. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have one million men in my organisation waiting to move on my command."
"Begorra!", said Paddy. "I'll have to ring you back!"

Sure enough, the next day, Paddy called again. "Mr. Bin Laden, the war is still on! We have managed to acquire some infantry equipment!"
"And what equipment would that be, Paddy?" Osama asked.
"Well, we have two combines, a bulldozer, and Murphy's farm tractor."
Osama sighed. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 16,000 tanks and 14,000 armored personnel carriers. Also, I've increased my organisation to 1-1/2 million men since we last spoke."
"Saints preserve us!" said Paddy. "I'll have to get back to you."

Sure enough, Paddy rang again the next day. "Mr. Bin Laden, the war is still on! We have managed to get ourselves airborne! We've modified Harrigan's ultra-light with a couple of shotguns in the cockpit, and four boys from the Shamrock Pub have joined us as well!"
Osama was silent for a minute and then cleared his throat. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 1,000 bombers and 2,000 fighter planes. My military complex is surrounded by laser-guided, surface-to-air missile sites. And since we last spoke, I've increased my organisation to TWO MILLION men!"
"Jesus, Mary, and Joseph!", said Paddy, "I'll have to ring you back."

Sure enough, Paddy called again the next day. "Top o' the mornin', Mr. Bin Laden! I am sorry to tell you that we have had to call off the war."
"I'm sorry to hear that," said Osama. "Why the sudden change of heart?"
"Well," said Paddy, "we've all had a long chat over a bunch of pints, and decided there's no fookin way we can feed two million prisoners."

You are on the bus when you suddenly realize... you need to fart.
  The music is really loud, so you time your farts with the beat. After a couple of songs, you start to feel better as you approach your stop.
  As you are leaving the bus, people are really staring you down, and that's when you remember:..... 

.

.
you've been listening to your ipod.

 Or is that IPoo'd?

 

  the iDrunk...love it...good one Wiz!

Commentator Innuendos

 
1. Pat Glenn, weightlifting commentator - "And this is Gregoriava from Bulgaria. I saw her snatch this morning and it was amazing!"



2. New Zealand Rugby Commentator - "Andrew Mehrtens loves it when Daryl Gibson comes inside of him."



3. Ted Walsh - Horse Racing Commentator - "This is really a lovely horse. I once rode her mother."



4. Harry Carpenter at the Oxford-Cambridge boat race 1977 - "Ah, isn't that nice. The wife of the Cambridge President is kissing the Cox of the Oxford crew."



5. US PGA Commentator - "One of the reasons Arnie (Arnold Palmer) is playing so well is that, before each tee shot, his wife takes out his balls and kisses them ..... Oh my god!!!!! What have I just said?!!!!"



6. Carenza Lewis about finding food in the Middle Ages on 'Time Team Live' said: "You'd eat beaver if you could get it."



7. A female news anchor who, the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked, "So Bob, where's that eight inches you promised me last night?" Not only did he have to leave the set, but half the crew did too, because they were laughing so hard!



8. Steve Ryder covering the US Masters: "Ballesteros felt much better today after getting a 69 yesterday."



9. Clair Frisby talking about a jumbo hot dog on Look North said: "There's nothing like a big hot sausage inside you on a cold night like this."



10 Mike Hallett discussing missed snooker shots on Sky Sports: "Stephen Hendry jumps on Steve Davis's misses every chance he gets."



11. Michael Buerk on watching Phillipa Forrester cuddle up to a male astronomer for warmth during BBC1's UK eclipse coverage remarked: They seem cold out there, they're rubbing each other and he's only come in his shorts."



12. Ken Brown commentating on golfer Nick Faldo and his caddie Fanny Sunneson lining-up shots at the Scottish Open: "Some weeks Nick likes to use Fanny, other weeks he prefers to do it by himself."

  LMAO!

Why did you have to die

A man placed some flowers on the grave of his dearly departed mother and started back toward his car when his attention was diverted to another man kneeling at a grave. The man seemed to be praying with profound intensity and kept repeating, “Why did you have to die? Why did you have to die? Why did you have to die? ” The first man approached him and said, “Sir, I don’t wish to interfere with your private grief, but this demonstration of pain is more than I’ve ever seen before. For whom do you mourn so deeply? A child? A parent? ” The mourner took a moment to collect himself, then replied, “My wife’s first husband.”

In the other world

Two lovers interested in spiritualism and reincarnation vowed that if either died, the other one remaining would try to contact the partner in the other world exactly 30 days after their dying. As luck would have it, a few weeks later the young man died in a car wreck. True to  her word, his sweetheart tried to contact him in the spirit world  exactly 30 days later.
At the seance, she called out, "John, dear John; this is Martha. Do you hear me?"
A ghostly voice answered her, "Yes Martha, this is John; I can hear you." Martha tearfully asked, "Oh John, what is it like where you are?" "It's beautiful. There are azure skies, a soft breeze, sunshine most of the time."
"Well what do you do all day," asked Martha.
"Well Martha, we get up before sunrise, eat some good breakfast, and there's nothing but sex until noon. After lunch, we nap until two and  then have more sex until about five. After dinner, we go at it again  until we fall asleep about 11 p.m.."
Martha was somewhat taken aback. "Is that what heaven really is like?"
"Heaven???? I'm not in heaven Martha."
"Well then where are you?"
"I'm a jack rabbit in Arizona."

5

A drunken elderly man walks into a rough biker bar, sits down at the bar and orders a drink. Looking around, he sees three men sitting at a corner table.

He gets up, staggers to the table, leans over, looks the biggest, meanest, biker in the face and says: "I went by your grandma's house today and I saw her in the hallway buck naked. Man, she is one fine looking babe!"

The biker looks at him and doesn't say a word. His buddies are confused, because he is one bad biker and would fight at the drop of a hat.

The drunk leans on the table again and says: "I got it on with your grandma boy and she is real good, the best lay I ever had!"

The biker's buddies are starting to get really mad but the biker still says nothing.

The drunk leans on the table one more time and says, "I'll tell you something else, boy, your grandma liked it!"

At this point the biker stands up, takes the drunk by the shoulders looks him square in the eyes and says... "Grandpa, Go home, you're drunk."

I don't need

A man got his prescription for Viagra, and goes home to get ready for
when his wife gets home. He calls her on the phone, and says,
"I'll be home in an hour."
"Perfect," she replies.The man thinks her agreement is because the Doctor
told him to take his Viagra an hour before.

He takes the Viagra and waits.
Well, and hour goes by, the man is ready to go, but no wife?
She calls him on the phone and she says, "Traffic is terrible.
I won't be there for about an hour and a half."
The man, frustrated, calls his Doctor for advice. "What should I do?"
he asks. The Doctor replied, "It would be a shame to waste it.
Do you have a housekeeper around" "Yes" the man replied.
"Well, maybe you can occupy yourself with her instead?" said the Doctor.
The man then replied with dismay,
"But I don't need Viagra with the housekeeper..."

Birthday Gift

Rich was talking to his buddy at the bar, and he said, "I don't have a clue what to get my wife for her birthday - she has everything, and besides, she can afford to buy anything she wants, so I'm stumped."

His buddy said, "I have an idea - why don't you make up a certificate saying she can have 60 minutes of great sex, any way she wants it - she'll probably be thrilled."

So the that's what Rich did.

The next day at the bar his buddy said, "Well? Did you take my suggestion?"

"Yes, I did," said Joe.

"Did she like it?" His buddy asked.

"Oh yes! she jumped up , thanked me, kissed me on the forehead and ran out the door, yelling "I'll be back in an hour!!"

Some friends of an old gentleman decided to get him something special for his birthday. They bought him a hooker. 

She went to his house and knocked on the door. Upon opening it she said "Hi! I'm your birthday present." 

He responded, "What am I supposed to do with you?" "

"I'm yours for super sex", she answers. 

He replies: "Well I'm 90 years old so I'll take the soup."

A kind hearted woman

One cold December day, a tourist lost his way and was freezing to death. Luckily he  found a farm cottage and was invited to come in and warm himself by the farmer's wife.

Once inside the house, he complained of being thirsty. The  woman handed him an enormous white crockery mug filled with  milk. After taking a big swig, the impulsive guest exclaimed,  "This is sweet and fresh ... you are most generous!"

She replied modestly, "It's nothing. My family wouldn't drink  that milk because we found a dead rat in it."

Sick to his stomach, the man clapped both hands over  his mouth, allowing the huge mug to fall to the floor and shatter  on the stone.

The woman grabbed her broom, raised it high in the air,  brought it down on the visitor's head, and hollered, "Get out,  you ungrateful pig! I take you in my home, I let you share my  fire, I give you milk to drink ... and now you repay my kindness  by breaking the children's potty!"

Be careful before you visit doc's.....

REAL fun

A guy is stranded on a desert island, all alone for ten years. One day, he sees a speck on the horizon. He thinks to himself, "It's not a ship." The speck gets a little closer and he thinks, "It's not a boat." The speck gets even closer and he thinks, "It's not a raft." Then, out of the surf comes a gorgeous blonde woman, wearing a wet suit and scuba gear.

She comes up to the guy and says, "How long has it been since you've had a cigarette?"

"Ten years!", he says.

She reaches over and unzips a waterproof pocket on her left sleeve and pulls out a pack of fresh cigarettes.

He takes one, lights it, takes a long drag and says, "Man, oh man! Is that good!"

Then she asks, "How long has it been since you've had a drink of whiskey?"

He replies, "Ten years!"

She reaches over, unzips her waterproof pocket on her right sleeve, pulls out a flask and gives it to him.

He takes a long swig and says, "Wow, that's fantastic!"

Then she starts unzipping this long zipper that runs down the front of her wet suit and she says to him, "And how long has it been since you've had some REAL fun?"

And the man replies, "My God! Don't tell me that you've got golf clubs in there!"