Jokes
Make us to laugh ... !!!
Monday, August 30, 2004 by BX | Discussion: WinCustomize Talk
A floks....
Don't you have a great joke to share with us....if yes then why to wait...we are here and you too.....
Don't you have a great joke to share with us....if yes then why to wait...we are here and you too.....
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starkers
Reply #142 Thursday, February 16, 2006 8:47 AM
Reply #142 Thursday, February 16, 2006 8:47 AM
Alot of people think the Swiss invented yodelling....but they didn't. It was actually an Australian guy who was hitch-hiking around Europe.
When in Switzerland, a rather fierce blizzard snowed him in this small community with no back-packer hostels..nothing much in the way of accomodation at all.
However, he was in luck. A rather friendly and generous local cheesemaker offered him a room until the storm had passed and his tour bus was able to leave. There was a condition regarding his very beautiful daughter, though..
The proviso was that no matter what she said or did to draw his attention, being that she was isolated and saw very few men, he was to ignore her affections and not follow her to her room if/when beckoned.
The Aussie guy was intigued by this.....just how beautiful was this young woman, but still agreed to the old cheese maker's terms....he would not follow her into her bedroom....
It was around suppertime when they arrived back at the modest little cottage...and sure enough, sat right opposite him at the table, was the most beautiful woman he had ever laid eyes upon: sweet succulent lips; long wavy golden hair; big bountiful, yet perky breasts, and long slender legs all the way up to her ancestors. She was the stuff mens dreams are made of.....with a particularly friendly disposition and pleasant nature.
Suppertime was a test for him, as she ran her foot up the inner side of his leg and smiled sweetly with big blue 'come to bed with me' eyes. The poor guy, having given his promise was having the most difficult time concentrating, all aroused and trying to eat the meal they had so kindly offered him. However, given the lateness of the day, the old cheese maker and his wife happily showed him to his room after he had politely asked to be excused from the table....
It was a comfortable and cosy room with a log fire burning, and within no time he was sound asleep....it had been a long, long day and his promise removed all thought/temptation regarding the extremely beautiful daughter from his mind.
The promise remained sacred....until around 4 in the morning, when the cheese maker's daughter came into his room, undressed, slid into the bed beside him and began to make wild passionate love to him. Wow, all his Christmases had come at once.....until the heated sounds of their lustful encounter awoke the old cheese maker, who got his gun and burst into the room with every intention of riddling the very naughty Aussie with buckshot.
Luckily, he was able to distract the old cheese maker long enough to make his escape through the bedroom window and take off down the mountainside....with the old chees maker calling out after him: "I told you to ignore her advances and not to make love with her, but you did, didn't you!"
And the Aussie echoes back out: "AAAAAaaanndYooourOOooldLlladyToo0000000....!"
When in Switzerland, a rather fierce blizzard snowed him in this small community with no back-packer hostels..nothing much in the way of accomodation at all.
However, he was in luck. A rather friendly and generous local cheesemaker offered him a room until the storm had passed and his tour bus was able to leave. There was a condition regarding his very beautiful daughter, though..
The proviso was that no matter what she said or did to draw his attention, being that she was isolated and saw very few men, he was to ignore her affections and not follow her to her room if/when beckoned.
The Aussie guy was intigued by this.....just how beautiful was this young woman, but still agreed to the old cheese maker's terms....he would not follow her into her bedroom....
It was around suppertime when they arrived back at the modest little cottage...and sure enough, sat right opposite him at the table, was the most beautiful woman he had ever laid eyes upon: sweet succulent lips; long wavy golden hair; big bountiful, yet perky breasts, and long slender legs all the way up to her ancestors. She was the stuff mens dreams are made of.....with a particularly friendly disposition and pleasant nature.
Suppertime was a test for him, as she ran her foot up the inner side of his leg and smiled sweetly with big blue 'come to bed with me' eyes. The poor guy, having given his promise was having the most difficult time concentrating, all aroused and trying to eat the meal they had so kindly offered him. However, given the lateness of the day, the old cheese maker and his wife happily showed him to his room after he had politely asked to be excused from the table....
It was a comfortable and cosy room with a log fire burning, and within no time he was sound asleep....it had been a long, long day and his promise removed all thought/temptation regarding the extremely beautiful daughter from his mind.
The promise remained sacred....until around 4 in the morning, when the cheese maker's daughter came into his room, undressed, slid into the bed beside him and began to make wild passionate love to him. Wow, all his Christmases had come at once.....until the heated sounds of their lustful encounter awoke the old cheese maker, who got his gun and burst into the room with every intention of riddling the very naughty Aussie with buckshot.
Luckily, he was able to distract the old cheese maker long enough to make his escape through the bedroom window and take off down the mountainside....with the old chees maker calling out after him: "I told you to ignore her advances and not to make love with her, but you did, didn't you!"
And the Aussie echoes back out: "AAAAAaaanndYooourOOooldLlladyToo0000000....!"
Hankers
Reply #143 Thursday, February 16, 2006 9:57 AM
Reply #143 Thursday, February 16, 2006 9:57 AM
A lawyer went Duck hunting in rural South Dakota He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of a fence. As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing.
The lawyer responded, "I shot a duck and it fell in this field, and now I'm going to retrieve it."
The old farmer replied, "This is my property, and you are not coming over here."
The indignant lawyer said, "I'm one of the best trial attorneys in California and, if you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you and take everything you own."
The old farmer smiled and said, "Apparently, you don't know how we settle disputes around here. We settle small disagreements like this with the South Dakota Three Kick Rule."
The lawyer asked, "What's that?"
The farmer replied, "Well, because the dispute occurs on my land, first I kick you three times and then you kick me three times and so on back and forth until someone gives up."
The attorney quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old codger. He agreed to abide by the local custom.
The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the attorney. His first kick planted the toe of his heavy steel-toed work boot into the lawyer's groin and dropped him to his knees. His second kick to the midriff sent the lawyer's last meal gushing from his mouth. The barrister was on all fours when the farmer's third kick to his rear end sent him face-first into a fresh cow pie.
The lawyer summoned every bit of his will and managed to get to his feet.
Wiping his face with the arm of his jacket, he said, "Okay, you old coot. Now it's my turn."
The old farmer smiled and said, "Naw, I give up. You can have the duck."
The lawyer responded, "I shot a duck and it fell in this field, and now I'm going to retrieve it."
The old farmer replied, "This is my property, and you are not coming over here."
The indignant lawyer said, "I'm one of the best trial attorneys in California and, if you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you and take everything you own."
The old farmer smiled and said, "Apparently, you don't know how we settle disputes around here. We settle small disagreements like this with the South Dakota Three Kick Rule."
The lawyer asked, "What's that?"
The farmer replied, "Well, because the dispute occurs on my land, first I kick you three times and then you kick me three times and so on back and forth until someone gives up."
The attorney quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old codger. He agreed to abide by the local custom.
The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the attorney. His first kick planted the toe of his heavy steel-toed work boot into the lawyer's groin and dropped him to his knees. His second kick to the midriff sent the lawyer's last meal gushing from his mouth. The barrister was on all fours when the farmer's third kick to his rear end sent him face-first into a fresh cow pie.
The lawyer summoned every bit of his will and managed to get to his feet.
Wiping his face with the arm of his jacket, he said, "Okay, you old coot. Now it's my turn."
The old farmer smiled and said, "Naw, I give up. You can have the duck."
BX
Reply #144 Wednesday, March 1, 2006 2:44 AM
Reply #144 Wednesday, March 1, 2006 2:44 AM
Little Johnny Strikes AGAIN
**Read Carefully**
Ms Brooks was having trouble with one of her first-grade pupils. "Johnny, what is your problem?"
Johnny answered, "I'm too smart for the first Grade.My sister is in third grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the third-grade too!"
Ms Brooks had had enough, so she took Johnny to the principal's office. The principal agreed that he would give the boy a test and if he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the first-grade and behave.
He started by asking Johnny some simple arithmetic.
"What is three times three?" "Nine, Sir."
"How much is nine times six?" "Fifty-four."
And so it went with every question the principal thought a third- grade should know.
The principal looked at Ms Brooks and said, "I think Johnny can go to third grade! He seems smart enough.
Ms Brooks said to the principal, "Let me ask him some questions?" The principal and Johnny both agreed.
Ms Brooks asked, "What does a cow have four of that I have only two of ?
Johnny, after a moment, answered "Legs, Ma'am"
"What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?"
"Pockets!"
"OK, what does a dog do that a man steps into?"
"Pants."
"What starts with a C and ends with a T, is hairy,oval, delicious and contains thin whitish liquid?
"Coconut. !
"What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?
The principal's eyes opened really wide and before he could stop the answer, Johnny was taking charge. "Bubble gum!
"What does a man do standing up, a woman does! sitting down and a dog does on three legs?
"Shake hands, Ma'am.
"Now for some "Who am I" sort of questions, OK? First one.
You stick your poles inside me, you tie me down to get me up, and I get wet before you do. Johnny, quick as ever, answered, "Tent!
"OK, a finger goes in me. You fiddle with me when you're bored. The best man always has me first.
The Principal was looking restless and a bit tense. But Johnny was on the ball with "Wedding Ring!
"I come in many sizes. When I'm not well, I drip. When you blow me, you feel good.
"Nose.
"Right, I have a stiff shaft, my tip penetrates, and I come with a quiver.
"Arrow.
"Good, now for the last one. What word starts with an 'F', ends in K', and means a lot of heat and excitement?
"Fire truck, Ma'am!
The principal breathed a sigh of relief and said tot he teacher,
"Send him to university!!!!, I got the last ten questions wrong myself!"
**Read Carefully**
Ms Brooks was having trouble with one of her first-grade pupils. "Johnny, what is your problem?"
Johnny answered, "I'm too smart for the first Grade.My sister is in third grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the third-grade too!"
Ms Brooks had had enough, so she took Johnny to the principal's office. The principal agreed that he would give the boy a test and if he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the first-grade and behave.
He started by asking Johnny some simple arithmetic.
"What is three times three?" "Nine, Sir."
"How much is nine times six?" "Fifty-four."
And so it went with every question the principal thought a third- grade should know.
The principal looked at Ms Brooks and said, "I think Johnny can go to third grade! He seems smart enough.
Ms Brooks said to the principal, "Let me ask him some questions?" The principal and Johnny both agreed.
Ms Brooks asked, "What does a cow have four of that I have only two of ?
Johnny, after a moment, answered "Legs, Ma'am"
"What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?"
"Pockets!"
"OK, what does a dog do that a man steps into?"
"Pants."
"What starts with a C and ends with a T, is hairy,oval, delicious and contains thin whitish liquid?
"Coconut. !
"What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?
The principal's eyes opened really wide and before he could stop the answer, Johnny was taking charge. "Bubble gum!
"What does a man do standing up, a woman does! sitting down and a dog does on three legs?
"Shake hands, Ma'am.
"Now for some "Who am I" sort of questions, OK? First one.
You stick your poles inside me, you tie me down to get me up, and I get wet before you do. Johnny, quick as ever, answered, "Tent!
"OK, a finger goes in me. You fiddle with me when you're bored. The best man always has me first.
The Principal was looking restless and a bit tense. But Johnny was on the ball with "Wedding Ring!
"I come in many sizes. When I'm not well, I drip. When you blow me, you feel good.
"Nose.
"Right, I have a stiff shaft, my tip penetrates, and I come with a quiver.
"Arrow.
"Good, now for the last one. What word starts with an 'F', ends in K', and means a lot of heat and excitement?
"Fire truck, Ma'am!
The principal breathed a sigh of relief and said tot he teacher,
"Send him to university!!!!, I got the last ten questions wrong myself!"
starkers
Reply #145 Wednesday, March 1, 2006 5:15 AM
Reply #145 Wednesday, March 1, 2006 5:15 AM
On Friday afternoons after lunch, the teacher would ask the class a question, and the first pupil to answer it correctly got let out of school early to go home.
This was a problem for little jimmy, who had never even had an answer to give, let alone be able to put his hand up or be the first to get one right.
It wasn't that Jimmy was unintelligent, for he had street smarts like you wouldn't believe for a 9 year old.....but his undoing at Friday question time was not having a head for math, history, geography and English etc, which is all the teacher ever asked.
Little Jimmy had to come up with a plan to be first in best dressed because he wanted to be someplace else so bad he could almost taste it.....so at lunchtime he went to a store across the road and bought a packet of aniseed balls, which he promptly emptied into his pants pocket for expediency at question time.
When all the students were seated and paying attention, the teacher began to utter her qusetion when little Jimmy grabbed a handful of the aniseed balls from his pocket and rolled them along the floor to the front of the classroom .....ooops! Suddenly the teacher's feet were up in the air and she landed on her derriere, bringing uproarious laughter from the whole class for the 'bonus' spectacle
Little Jimmy was expecting a question as to what they were, or even 'who did that?'....so was totally unprepared for what eventually came out when the teacher regained her feet and some composure: "OK then, who's got little black balls?"
Quick as a flash, using his extraordinary street smarts, little Jimmy calls out: "Sammy Davis Jr, Miss.....now can I go home?"
This was a problem for little jimmy, who had never even had an answer to give, let alone be able to put his hand up or be the first to get one right.
It wasn't that Jimmy was unintelligent, for he had street smarts like you wouldn't believe for a 9 year old.....but his undoing at Friday question time was not having a head for math, history, geography and English etc, which is all the teacher ever asked.
Little Jimmy had to come up with a plan to be first in best dressed because he wanted to be someplace else so bad he could almost taste it.....so at lunchtime he went to a store across the road and bought a packet of aniseed balls, which he promptly emptied into his pants pocket for expediency at question time.
When all the students were seated and paying attention, the teacher began to utter her qusetion when little Jimmy grabbed a handful of the aniseed balls from his pocket and rolled them along the floor to the front of the classroom .....ooops! Suddenly the teacher's feet were up in the air and she landed on her derriere, bringing uproarious laughter from the whole class for the 'bonus' spectacle
Little Jimmy was expecting a question as to what they were, or even 'who did that?'....so was totally unprepared for what eventually came out when the teacher regained her feet and some composure: "OK then, who's got little black balls?"
Quick as a flash, using his extraordinary street smarts, little Jimmy calls out: "Sammy Davis Jr, Miss.....now can I go home?"
starkers
Reply #146 Thursday, March 2, 2006 12:39 AM
Reply #146 Thursday, March 2, 2006 12:39 AM
It was alphabet question time and the teacher did the rounds of her students with a letter, to which they had to find a word it began with, and what it meant, etc.
Trouble was, Little Jimmy was always and forever using frequent expletives, no matter what letter she gave him.....
Anyhow, being that she didn't want to entirely exclude him from participating, she came up with the letter Z, thinking there was no expletive attached to it.
"So Jimmy, your letter is Z, can you give me a word that it begins with?"
"Zebra, Miss!"
"Okay Jimmy, that's very good, now what is a Zebra?"
"Eff me, you're a teacher and you don't know what an effing Zebra is! It's a stripy effing horse in effing Africa!"
Trouble was, Little Jimmy was always and forever using frequent expletives, no matter what letter she gave him.....
Anyhow, being that she didn't want to entirely exclude him from participating, she came up with the letter Z, thinking there was no expletive attached to it.
"So Jimmy, your letter is Z, can you give me a word that it begins with?"
"Zebra, Miss!"
"Okay Jimmy, that's very good, now what is a Zebra?"
"Eff me, you're a teacher and you don't know what an effing Zebra is! It's a stripy effing horse in effing Africa!"
PoSmedley
Reply #147 Thursday, March 2, 2006 1:57 AM
Reply #147 Thursday, March 2, 2006 1:57 AM
A 5 yr. old and a 4 yr. old are upstairs in their bedroom.
"You know what?", says the 5 yr. old, "I think its about time we
start swearing."
The 4 yr. old nods his head in approval.
"When we go downstairs for breakfast I'm gonna say 'hell,' and you say 'ass', OK?"
"OK!" The 4 yr. old says with enthusiasm.
The mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 5 yr. old
what he wants for breakfast.
"Aw, hell mom, I guess I'll have the Cheerios."
Whack!! He flies out of his chair, tumbles across the
kitchen floor, gets up, and runs upstairs crying his eyes out.
The mom looks at the 4 yr. old and asks in a stern voice,
"And what do YOU want for breakfast, young man?"
"I don't know," he blubbers, "but you can bet your ass it
won't be Cheerios."
"You know what?", says the 5 yr. old, "I think its about time we
start swearing."
The 4 yr. old nods his head in approval.
"When we go downstairs for breakfast I'm gonna say 'hell,' and you say 'ass', OK?"
"OK!" The 4 yr. old says with enthusiasm.
The mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 5 yr. old
what he wants for breakfast.
"Aw, hell mom, I guess I'll have the Cheerios."
Whack!! He flies out of his chair, tumbles across the
kitchen floor, gets up, and runs upstairs crying his eyes out.
The mom looks at the 4 yr. old and asks in a stern voice,
"And what do YOU want for breakfast, young man?"
"I don't know," he blubbers, "but you can bet your ass it
won't be Cheerios."
starkers
Reply #148 Thursday, March 2, 2006 9:55 AM
Reply #148 Thursday, March 2, 2006 9:55 AM
Young Jane was curious as to why her mother had breasts and she didn't.....and what they were for.
The mother, a little embarrassed by the unexpected question and not sure how to answer it said: "Well Jane, these are my heaven ballons, so that when I die they will take me straight to heaven."
Young Jane was perplexed but nonetheless accepted the answer to continue playing
with her dolls.
However, one day she was sat on the front step in a disturbed frame of mind and awaiting her father's return from work to inform him that mommy nearly died today.
This news immediately alarmed the father and a state of panic was about to set in when he asked her what had happened, and why was she there alone if mommy had been taken to hospital.
"Oh no daddy, it wasn't quite that serious, replied Jane: " It's just that when I went upstairs earlier to see what mommy was doing, I saw the milkman blowing up her heaven balloons....and mommy was there calling out 'Oh God I'm Coming, I'm coming' like she was in some sort of pain. Now if he hadn't been there and on top to hold her down, I'm guess she woulda floated right on up there."
The mother, a little embarrassed by the unexpected question and not sure how to answer it said: "Well Jane, these are my heaven ballons, so that when I die they will take me straight to heaven."
Young Jane was perplexed but nonetheless accepted the answer to continue playing
with her dolls.
However, one day she was sat on the front step in a disturbed frame of mind and awaiting her father's return from work to inform him that mommy nearly died today.
This news immediately alarmed the father and a state of panic was about to set in when he asked her what had happened, and why was she there alone if mommy had been taken to hospital.
"Oh no daddy, it wasn't quite that serious, replied Jane: " It's just that when I went upstairs earlier to see what mommy was doing, I saw the milkman blowing up her heaven balloons....and mommy was there calling out 'Oh God I'm Coming, I'm coming' like she was in some sort of pain. Now if he hadn't been there and on top to hold her down, I'm guess she woulda floated right on up there."
starkers
Reply #149 Thursday, March 2, 2006 10:25 AM
Reply #149 Thursday, March 2, 2006 10:25 AM
Young Billy turns up at school sporting a real fancy looking watch with all sorts of nick nacks and doodads for additional information, such as a calculator and currency converter, etc. Thing was, little Jimmy was extremely jealous and wanted to know how Billy had come by it so he too could get one.
"Well", says Billy: "I'm not supposed to tell you cos I promised not say anything, but if you can keep a secret, I'll let on so's you might get have a chance of getting one too.
"Okay then, so what's the story", says Jimmy: " cos I gotta get me one of those too."
"Well!" says Billy: "One night I heard these strange noises coming from my parents bedroom, and when I went in to investigate, My mom and dad were doing the 'honky tonk', you know....like doing IT. Anyhow, with dad being a bit of a prude, easiuly embarrassed and not wanting anyone else to know about his sex life, he gave me his brand new watch if I promised never to tell as soul....but now you know, good luck in getting Yours."
A few night went by with Jimmy staying awake until all hours before heard anything similar coming from his parents bedroom....and within seconds of hearing the first moans and groans, he burst into their bedroom and stood at the foot of the bed.
"What do you want?", his angered father asked.....to which Jimmy replied: " I wanna watch."
"Okay then,"....but fer cryin' out load, go and shut the flamin' door cos there's a cold draft blowing right up my....."
"Well", says Billy: "I'm not supposed to tell you cos I promised not say anything, but if you can keep a secret, I'll let on so's you might get have a chance of getting one too.
"Okay then, so what's the story", says Jimmy: " cos I gotta get me one of those too."
"Well!" says Billy: "One night I heard these strange noises coming from my parents bedroom, and when I went in to investigate, My mom and dad were doing the 'honky tonk', you know....like doing IT. Anyhow, with dad being a bit of a prude, easiuly embarrassed and not wanting anyone else to know about his sex life, he gave me his brand new watch if I promised never to tell as soul....but now you know, good luck in getting Yours."
A few night went by with Jimmy staying awake until all hours before heard anything similar coming from his parents bedroom....and within seconds of hearing the first moans and groans, he burst into their bedroom and stood at the foot of the bed.
"What do you want?", his angered father asked.....to which Jimmy replied: " I wanna watch."
"Okay then,"....but fer cryin' out load, go and shut the flamin' door cos there's a cold draft blowing right up my....."
starkers
Reply #150 Sunday, March 5, 2006 10:10 AM
Reply #150 Sunday, March 5, 2006 10:10 AM
One For The Aussies Mostly....but a few others know of our P.M. as well.
Janet Howard gets to the pearly gates and is greeted by St Peter, who asks a few mandatory questions prior to entry into heaven....such as her good & bad deeds on Earth, etc.
Anyway, during the questioning, Janet Howard notices all these clocks on the wall with various different times on them and is curious as to what they are for....
St Peter explains that if the hour hand is on the 12 and the minute hand is on the two, it means that the person who the clock relates to has told 2 lies during his or her life time.....
"For instance", says St Peter: that clock with both hands on the 12 belongs to Our Lord, Jesus Christ, because neither has has moved...meaning he never told any lies."
Janet Howard was still rather curious, being that one clock had onlty moved one minute, and wanted to know who that one belonged....
"Oh, that's Mother Theresa's.....and that one wehich has only moved 3 minutes belongs to the Pope."
Then she noticed a clock which said it was 11.58 pm and wanted to know whose that was, for they must have been a terrible liar....
St Peter says: "Well that one belongs to Adolph Hitler....and the one next to it saying it's 11.57 pm belongs to George W Bush."
Oh, okay, says Mrs Howard: "So where's lil Johnny's?"
"That's in my Office." Says St Peter.
"In your Office......why?"
"Gets mighty warm in there and I'm using it as a ceiling fan."
Janet Howard gets to the pearly gates and is greeted by St Peter, who asks a few mandatory questions prior to entry into heaven....such as her good & bad deeds on Earth, etc.
Anyway, during the questioning, Janet Howard notices all these clocks on the wall with various different times on them and is curious as to what they are for....
St Peter explains that if the hour hand is on the 12 and the minute hand is on the two, it means that the person who the clock relates to has told 2 lies during his or her life time.....
"For instance", says St Peter: that clock with both hands on the 12 belongs to Our Lord, Jesus Christ, because neither has has moved...meaning he never told any lies."
Janet Howard was still rather curious, being that one clock had onlty moved one minute, and wanted to know who that one belonged....
"Oh, that's Mother Theresa's.....and that one wehich has only moved 3 minutes belongs to the Pope."
Then she noticed a clock which said it was 11.58 pm and wanted to know whose that was, for they must have been a terrible liar....
St Peter says: "Well that one belongs to Adolph Hitler....and the one next to it saying it's 11.57 pm belongs to George W Bush."
Oh, okay, says Mrs Howard: "So where's lil Johnny's?"
"That's in my Office." Says St Peter.
"In your Office......why?"
"Gets mighty warm in there and I'm using it as a ceiling fan."
PoSmedley
Reply #151 Monday, March 6, 2006 2:35 PM
Reply #151 Monday, March 6, 2006 2:35 PM
A guy walks into a bar and says 'Ouch!'
No wait....
A guy walks into a bar, sits down at the bar and pulls a three inch Leprechaun from his coat pocket and sits him on the bar. He says to the bartender, "I'll have a beer and a shot of whiskey for my friend."
The bartender returns with the Beer and whiskey. The Leprechaun gulps down his shot and makes a mad dash for the end of the bar, where sits the only other other patron, a big-burly construction worker. The Leprechaun reaches the end of the bar and spits in the man's face and runs back to his shot glass. The man orders another beer and another shot.
When the bartender serves up the second round, the Leprechaun downs his shot and dashses back down to the end of the bar and spits in the mans face again, then runs back to his shotglass. Another round is ordered. The Leprechaun downs the third shot and makes a third dash down the bar. Only this time, the big constructio worker grabs him before he can spit.
"Now see here, Leprechaun. You spit in my face one more time and I'll rip your pecker off!"
The Leprechaun laugh's. "Silly man. Leprechauns don't have peckers."
The man looks at him and asks "OH yeah. Well how do you pee, then?"
To which the Leprechaun replies "We spit!"
No wait....
A guy walks into a bar, sits down at the bar and pulls a three inch Leprechaun from his coat pocket and sits him on the bar. He says to the bartender, "I'll have a beer and a shot of whiskey for my friend."
The bartender returns with the Beer and whiskey. The Leprechaun gulps down his shot and makes a mad dash for the end of the bar, where sits the only other other patron, a big-burly construction worker. The Leprechaun reaches the end of the bar and spits in the man's face and runs back to his shot glass. The man orders another beer and another shot.
When the bartender serves up the second round, the Leprechaun downs his shot and dashses back down to the end of the bar and spits in the mans face again, then runs back to his shotglass. Another round is ordered. The Leprechaun downs the third shot and makes a third dash down the bar. Only this time, the big constructio worker grabs him before he can spit.
"Now see here, Leprechaun. You spit in my face one more time and I'll rip your pecker off!"
The Leprechaun laugh's. "Silly man. Leprechauns don't have peckers."
The man looks at him and asks "OH yeah. Well how do you pee, then?"
To which the Leprechaun replies "We spit!"
Elsius Saint
Reply #153 Monday, March 6, 2006 3:46 PM
Reply #153 Monday, March 6, 2006 3:46 PM
Here’s mine – Freshly Made
By Elsius Saint
-----FROGBOY -----
It has been noticed that Mr. Frogboy did not report to work this morning at stardock. After little investigation, one of the staff member found out he went hunting yesterday with United State Vice President Dick Cheney. The staff briefly took a look at each other and ran to the nearest hospital. Cheney accidentally shoots fellow hunter Frogboy.
------------------------
Dedicate to
By Elsius Saint
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FROGBOY -----It has been noticed that Mr. Frogboy did not report to work this morning at stardock. After little investigation, one of the staff member found out he went hunting yesterday with United State Vice President Dick Cheney. The staff briefly took a look at each other and ran to the nearest hospital. Cheney accidentally shoots fellow hunter Frogboy.
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Dedicate to
starkers
Reply #155 Tuesday, March 7, 2006 4:04 AM
Reply #155 Tuesday, March 7, 2006 4:04 AM
An Irishman and bit of a ladies man was crossing a bridge one day when hear a small cry for help coming from below him. Upon looking over the side of the bridge he noticed a leprechaun firmly stuff in mud right up to his neck, so off down the river bank he goes to rescue the poor lil fella.
The leprechaun was thankful for saving his life and granted the ladies man 3 wishes, but in old leprechaun tradition, whatever he wished for, his worst enemy would get double of.
Now this got the ladies man thinking some, for he had an arch rival who competed to bed every woman he tried to get, and there was no way he wanted him to have twice as much as he had.
Now money was important but not a competitive thing with his arch rival, the ladies man wished for $10,000,000....hey presto, and there it was, and his rival suddenly becomes $20,000,000 richer.
"For my second wish," says the ladies man, I want a 20 bedroom mansion with a woman in every room....hey presto, there's his mansion and the 20 women he wanted, but over on the next hill his rival suddenly has a 40 bedroom mansion with 40 women at his beckon call.
"Aha!!!!" says the ladies man, and not wanting to be unfairly outdone again: "For my third wish, I'll have one of my testicles removed!"
The leprechaun was thankful for saving his life and granted the ladies man 3 wishes, but in old leprechaun tradition, whatever he wished for, his worst enemy would get double of.
Now this got the ladies man thinking some, for he had an arch rival who competed to bed every woman he tried to get, and there was no way he wanted him to have twice as much as he had.
Now money was important but not a competitive thing with his arch rival, the ladies man wished for $10,000,000....hey presto, and there it was, and his rival suddenly becomes $20,000,000 richer.
"For my second wish," says the ladies man, I want a 20 bedroom mansion with a woman in every room....hey presto, there's his mansion and the 20 women he wanted, but over on the next hill his rival suddenly has a 40 bedroom mansion with 40 women at his beckon call.
"Aha!!!!" says the ladies man, and not wanting to be unfairly outdone again: "For my third wish, I'll have one of my testicles removed!"
starkers
Reply #156 Friday, March 10, 2006 9:28 PM
Reply #156 Friday, March 10, 2006 9:28 PM
Blonde in a store spots a vaccuum flask and asks the assistant what it was and did.
The assitant explained that it was a portable means of keeping things hot and cold when away from home, etc.
With that, and seeing a use for it at work, she bought herself one and took it with her to work the next day.
"Oh, so what have you there?" asked her blonde co-worker.
"It's a vaccuum flask to keep things hot and cold."
"So what do you have in it?" enquired her co-worker.
"A couple of icecreams and some piping hot black coffee.
BTW...no offense intended to any blondes here.....
The assitant explained that it was a portable means of keeping things hot and cold when away from home, etc.
With that, and seeing a use for it at work, she bought herself one and took it with her to work the next day.
"Oh, so what have you there?" asked her blonde co-worker.
"It's a vaccuum flask to keep things hot and cold."
"So what do you have in it?" enquired her co-worker.
"A couple of icecreams and some piping hot black coffee.
BTW...no offense intended to any blondes here.....
starkers
Reply #157 Tuesday, March 14, 2006 10:16 AM
Reply #157 Tuesday, March 14, 2006 10:16 AM
In the dead of summer a fly was resting on a leaf beside a lake.
A hot, dry fly who said to no one in particular,
"Gosh... if I go down three inches,
I will feel the mist from the water and I will be refreshed."
There was a fish in the water thinking,
"Gosh...if that fly goes down three inches I can eat him."
There was a bear on the shore thinking
"Gosh...if that fly goes down three inches... that fish will jump for the fly... and I will eat him."
It also happened that a hunter was further up the bank of the lake preparing to eat a cheese sandwich.
"Gosh" he thought "if that fly goes down three inches...
and that fish leaps for it...
that bear will expose himself and grab for the fish.
I'll shoot the bear
and then have a proper lunch."
You probably think this is enough activity for one bank of a lake?
But I can tell you there was more.
A wee mouse by the hunter's foot was thinking
"Gosh... if that fly goes down three inches... and that fish
jumps for that fly... and that bear grabs for that fish... the dumb
hunter will shoot the bear and drop his cheese sandwich."
A cat lurking in the bushes took in this scene and thought, as was fashionable to do on the banks of this particular lake around lunch time
"Gosh... if that fly goes down three inches...
and that fish jumps for that fly... and that bear grabs for that fish...and that hunter shoots
that bear... and that mouse makes off with the cheese sandwich... then I can have mouse for lunch."
The poor fly is finally so hot and so dry that he heads down for the cooling mist of the water... The fish swallows the fly....
The bear grabs the fish... The hunter shoots the bear... The mouse grabs the cheese sandwich... The cat jumps for the mouse... The mouse ducks...
The cat falls into the water and drowns.
The moral of the story is....
Whenever a fly goes down three inches...
Some pussy is probably in danger.
A hot, dry fly who said to no one in particular,
"Gosh... if I go down three inches,
I will feel the mist from the water and I will be refreshed."
There was a fish in the water thinking,
"Gosh...if that fly goes down three inches I can eat him."
There was a bear on the shore thinking
"Gosh...if that fly goes down three inches... that fish will jump for the fly... and I will eat him."
It also happened that a hunter was further up the bank of the lake preparing to eat a cheese sandwich.
"Gosh" he thought "if that fly goes down three inches...
and that fish leaps for it...
that bear will expose himself and grab for the fish.
I'll shoot the bear
and then have a proper lunch."
You probably think this is enough activity for one bank of a lake?
But I can tell you there was more.
A wee mouse by the hunter's foot was thinking
"Gosh... if that fly goes down three inches... and that fish
jumps for that fly... and that bear grabs for that fish... the dumb
hunter will shoot the bear and drop his cheese sandwich."
A cat lurking in the bushes took in this scene and thought, as was fashionable to do on the banks of this particular lake around lunch time
"Gosh... if that fly goes down three inches...
and that fish jumps for that fly... and that bear grabs for that fish...and that hunter shoots
that bear... and that mouse makes off with the cheese sandwich... then I can have mouse for lunch."
The poor fly is finally so hot and so dry that he heads down for the cooling mist of the water... The fish swallows the fly....
The bear grabs the fish... The hunter shoots the bear... The mouse grabs the cheese sandwich... The cat jumps for the mouse... The mouse ducks...
The cat falls into the water and drowns.
The moral of the story is....
Whenever a fly goes down three inches...
Some pussy is probably in danger.
starkers
Reply #158 Tuesday, March 14, 2006 10:19 AM
Reply #158 Tuesday, March 14, 2006 10:19 AM
There are 3 ladies on a flight. Suddenly the pilot informed them that there was a technical problem and the plane was going to crash into the sea.
A chinese lady quickly took her cosmetics set out and started to doll herself up.
A Malay lady beside her questioned her on her actions. The chinese lady replied that if she looked beautiful, the guys coming to rescue survivors would usually save the pretty ladies first,On hearing this, the Malay lady started to put on all her jewellery.
An Indian woman sitting beside the Malay lady was curious and questioned her.
The Malay lady said that the rescuers would save her because she would easily be identified by the glitter of her jewels.
Then the Indian woman started taking her clothes off.
Both the Chinese and Malay ladies were shocked and questioned her.The Indian woman then replied that rescue teams do not usually look for survivors. They usually look for the "Black Box" first.
A chinese lady quickly took her cosmetics set out and started to doll herself up.
A Malay lady beside her questioned her on her actions. The chinese lady replied that if she looked beautiful, the guys coming to rescue survivors would usually save the pretty ladies first,On hearing this, the Malay lady started to put on all her jewellery.
An Indian woman sitting beside the Malay lady was curious and questioned her.
The Malay lady said that the rescuers would save her because she would easily be identified by the glitter of her jewels.
Then the Indian woman started taking her clothes off.
Both the Chinese and Malay ladies were shocked and questioned her.The Indian woman then replied that rescue teams do not usually look for survivors. They usually look for the "Black Box" first.
Bichur
Reply #159 Thursday, March 16, 2006 9:24 PM
Reply #159 Thursday, March 16, 2006 9:24 PM
A timeless lesson on how consultants can make a difference for an organization.
Last week, we took some friends out to a new restaurant, and noticed that the waiter who took our order carried a spoon in his shirt pocket. It seemed a little strange. Then I looked around and saw that all the staff had spoons in their pockets.
When the waiter came to serve our soup I asked, "Why the spoon?" He explained, "The restaurant's owners hired Andersen Consulting to revamp all our processes. After several months of analysis, they concluded that the spoon was the most frequently dropped utensil. It represents a drop
frequency of approximately 3 spoons per table per hour. If our personnel are better prepared, we can reduce the number of trips back to the kitchen and save 15 man-hours per shift."
As luck! would have it, I dropped my spoon and he was able to replace it with his spare. "I'll get another spoon next time I go to the kitchen instead of making an extra trip to get it right now."
I was impressed. I also noticed that there was a string hanging out of the waiter's fly. Looking round, I noticed that all the waiters had the same string hanging from their flies! . So before he walked off, I asked them Waiter: "Excuse me, but can you tell me why you have that string right there?"
"Oh, certainly!" Then he lowered his voice. "Not everyone is so observant. That consulting firm I mentioned also found out that we can save time in the restroom. By tying this string to the tip of you know what, we can pull it out without touching it and eliminate the need to wash our hands, shortening the time spent in the restroom by 76.39 percent."
I asked "After you get it out, how do you put it back?"
"Well," he whispered, "I don't know! about the others,
but I use the spoon."
Last week, we took some friends out to a new restaurant, and noticed that the waiter who took our order carried a spoon in his shirt pocket. It seemed a little strange. Then I looked around and saw that all the staff had spoons in their pockets.
When the waiter came to serve our soup I asked, "Why the spoon?" He explained, "The restaurant's owners hired Andersen Consulting to revamp all our processes. After several months of analysis, they concluded that the spoon was the most frequently dropped utensil. It represents a drop
frequency of approximately 3 spoons per table per hour. If our personnel are better prepared, we can reduce the number of trips back to the kitchen and save 15 man-hours per shift."
As luck! would have it, I dropped my spoon and he was able to replace it with his spare. "I'll get another spoon next time I go to the kitchen instead of making an extra trip to get it right now."
I was impressed. I also noticed that there was a string hanging out of the waiter's fly. Looking round, I noticed that all the waiters had the same string hanging from their flies! . So before he walked off, I asked them Waiter: "Excuse me, but can you tell me why you have that string right there?"
"Oh, certainly!" Then he lowered his voice. "Not everyone is so observant. That consulting firm I mentioned also found out that we can save time in the restroom. By tying this string to the tip of you know what, we can pull it out without touching it and eliminate the need to wash our hands, shortening the time spent in the restroom by 76.39 percent."
I asked "After you get it out, how do you put it back?"
"Well," he whispered, "I don't know! about the others,
but I use the spoon."
starkers
Reply #160 Thursday, May 11, 2006 12:50 AM
Reply #160 Thursday, May 11, 2006 12:50 AM
Poor old Bill, he had suddenly taken ill and awoke to find himself in intensive care with tubes and all manner of medical devices attached to him.
The young nurse noticed that he'd regained concsiousness and asked: "And how are we feeling now, is there anything I can do for you?"
Poor old Bill, replied: "I'm feeling quite sore and I'm thirsty. Are my testicles black?"
The young nurse was taken aback by this question and was unsure about investigating, so went to find an older more experienced nurse.
The older nurse asked Bill what he wanted, and again: "Are my testicles black?", so she peeled back the sheets to check for him.
"No, no, no!", says Bill, as he removed his oxygen mask: "Are my test results back?"
The young nurse noticed that he'd regained concsiousness and asked: "And how are we feeling now, is there anything I can do for you?"
Poor old Bill, replied: "I'm feeling quite sore and I'm thirsty. Are my testicles black?"
The young nurse was taken aback by this question and was unsure about investigating, so went to find an older more experienced nurse.
The older nurse asked Bill what he wanted, and again: "Are my testicles black?", so she peeled back the sheets to check for him.
"No, no, no!", says Bill, as he removed his oxygen mask: "Are my test results back?"
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Reply #141 Thursday, February 16, 2006 7:37 AM