Jokes
Make us to laugh ... !!!
Monday, August 30, 2004 by BX | Discussion: WinCustomize Talk
A floks....
Don't you have a great joke to share with us....if yes then why to wait...we are here and you too.....
Don't you have a great joke to share with us....if yes then why to wait...we are here and you too.....
 |
|
Page 7 of 8 | |
|
|---|
WebGizmos
Reply #122 Wednesday, February 8, 2006 6:13 AM
Reply #122 Wednesday, February 8, 2006 6:13 AM
Sister Mary
Sister Joan, age 54, ignores the desert sun,
The stranded church bus smoking, no sign of anyone.
Buzzards circle overhead, panic starts to set.
The kids are getting restless, her habit soaked with sweat.
The minutes become hours, she wobbles in the heat.
Then, a distant engine roars, approaching from the East.
She squints through horn-rimmed glasses, her pure heart skips a beat.
Snake McGinty's Harley Hog, parts the dusty heat.
Black leather-clad from head to toe, his eyelids barely open,
Sister Joan says, "Holy Ghost, please tell me that you're joking."
He parks his bike, stands six foot four, then gives her a nod.
Through leather pants his manhood shows, she rolls her eyes at God.
"Havin' trouble?", he barely mumbles. "Yes sir", she replies.
He pops the hood, takes off his shirt, she covers up her eyes.
"Kids", she says, "Back on the bus. Everyone be good."
Her fingers part, her eyes take in his reflection off the hood.
She grips her rosary tight with guilt and stares down at her socks.
Her mind protects her vows with God, but her body picks the lock.
He bends to check the fan belt, her nipples say, "Hello".
Her eyes climb up his leather chaps like a snail with vertigo.
She shuts her eyes and shakes her head, her legs start feeling funny.
"Lord", she says, "For work like this, I'm making shitty money."
He shuts the hood, "My name is Snake, I'm wanted in five states."
She said, "Snake you're my forbidden fruit, and I need a little taste."
The kids look on in disbelief. The kiss is slow, then faster.
Cheering rocks the school bus, till she says "Snake let's ditch these bastards.
As they left, the kids screamed "No", she turned around and waved.
Her next confession killed a priest and lasted seven days.
For years the scandal rocked the church,
but she regained their trust.
She still teaches Sunday school,
but she doesn't drive the bus.
Sister Joan, age 54, ignores the desert sun,
The stranded church bus smoking, no sign of anyone.
Buzzards circle overhead, panic starts to set.
The kids are getting restless, her habit soaked with sweat.
The minutes become hours, she wobbles in the heat.
Then, a distant engine roars, approaching from the East.
She squints through horn-rimmed glasses, her pure heart skips a beat.
Snake McGinty's Harley Hog, parts the dusty heat.
Black leather-clad from head to toe, his eyelids barely open,
Sister Joan says, "Holy Ghost, please tell me that you're joking."
He parks his bike, stands six foot four, then gives her a nod.
Through leather pants his manhood shows, she rolls her eyes at God.
"Havin' trouble?", he barely mumbles. "Yes sir", she replies.
He pops the hood, takes off his shirt, she covers up her eyes.
"Kids", she says, "Back on the bus. Everyone be good."
Her fingers part, her eyes take in his reflection off the hood.
She grips her rosary tight with guilt and stares down at her socks.
Her mind protects her vows with God, but her body picks the lock.
He bends to check the fan belt, her nipples say, "Hello".
Her eyes climb up his leather chaps like a snail with vertigo.
She shuts her eyes and shakes her head, her legs start feeling funny.
"Lord", she says, "For work like this, I'm making shitty money."
He shuts the hood, "My name is Snake, I'm wanted in five states."
She said, "Snake you're my forbidden fruit, and I need a little taste."
The kids look on in disbelief. The kiss is slow, then faster.
Cheering rocks the school bus, till she says "Snake let's ditch these bastards.
As they left, the kids screamed "No", she turned around and waved.
Her next confession killed a priest and lasted seven days.
For years the scandal rocked the church,
but she regained their trust.
She still teaches Sunday school,
but she doesn't drive the bus.
starkers
Reply #123 Wednesday, February 8, 2006 6:27 PM
Reply #123 Wednesday, February 8, 2006 6:27 PM
This 7" 6" guy has a call of nature and goes to a public toilet to relieve himself.
Whilst doing so, this 2" 2' little guy come in and stands beside him and says: "Geez, your one helluva big guy!"
The big guy looks down and replies: "Yeah, I'm 7" 6' and play basketball."
To which the little guy says: "No, I didn't mean that. What I was talking about are your family jewels, they're like enormous."
The big guy get's a bit embarrassed and uncomfortable about the direction of this conversation and thus tries to ignore the little guy's attentions.
"Hey man", says the little guy: "Don't get me wrong....I'm not homosexual or anything, and I'm not trying to give you the come on. It's just that I'm trapped in this tiny little, child-like body, but I have the mind of an adult and have all the same thoughts, desires and feelings as any other man. So when I see something like that, I get jealous and all emotional that I'm small and inadequate.
By this time the big guy is feeling a little sorry for the little guy and agrees to let him hold his manhood to show how it would feel to be normally developed: "But how on earth are you gonna reach, beingf so short?"
The little guy replies: "Well there's that chair over there in the corner, perhaps I could stand on that while you give me the chance to know how normal is supposed to feel."
"Okay" says the big guy, as they walk over to the chair and the little guy climbs upon it to find out what it feels like to be really 'grown up'.
"Now give me all your money...or I jump!!!!"
Whilst doing so, this 2" 2' little guy come in and stands beside him and says: "Geez, your one helluva big guy!"
The big guy looks down and replies: "Yeah, I'm 7" 6' and play basketball."
To which the little guy says: "No, I didn't mean that. What I was talking about are your family jewels, they're like enormous."
The big guy get's a bit embarrassed and uncomfortable about the direction of this conversation and thus tries to ignore the little guy's attentions.
"Hey man", says the little guy: "Don't get me wrong....I'm not homosexual or anything, and I'm not trying to give you the come on. It's just that I'm trapped in this tiny little, child-like body, but I have the mind of an adult and have all the same thoughts, desires and feelings as any other man. So when I see something like that, I get jealous and all emotional that I'm small and inadequate.
By this time the big guy is feeling a little sorry for the little guy and agrees to let him hold his manhood to show how it would feel to be normally developed: "But how on earth are you gonna reach, beingf so short?"
The little guy replies: "Well there's that chair over there in the corner, perhaps I could stand on that while you give me the chance to know how normal is supposed to feel."
"Okay" says the big guy, as they walk over to the chair and the little guy climbs upon it to find out what it feels like to be really 'grown up'.
"Now give me all your money...or I jump!!!!"
starkers
Reply #124 Thursday, February 9, 2006 5:42 PM
Reply #124 Thursday, February 9, 2006 5:42 PM
Jed walks into a bar, orders himself a drink and takes up a position on the only vacant barstool to enjoy the background music he can hear.
It's not long before he becomes curious about the musician, as this person can really play a piano, so he asks the barman who the great player was...
The barman just pointed to the end of the bar, where Jed observed this miserable looking guy sat next to a miniature piano and this tiny little guy tinkling the keys.
Jed's curiosity got the better of him so he went to enquire as to how such a little piano and a teeny weent little man could produce such a full and magnificent sound.
Jed: "Hey man, that's one strange sight there...a teeny weeny little piano and an even teenier weenier little guy playing some of the best rock n' roll I've ever heard. Where'd you come by them?"
Miserable guy: "Well I was walking along the beach and found this nice looking bottle. It was so unusual that I had to pick it up for closer inspection, and when I brushed off the sand, out pops this genie and gives me a single wish. I thought about it for a while and eventually decided what most wanted.
Jed: "Yeah, and what was that?"
Miserable guy: "Well, not being too well endowed, I asked for a 12 inch penis, but the genie was hard of hearing......and this is what I ended up with."
It's not long before he becomes curious about the musician, as this person can really play a piano, so he asks the barman who the great player was...
The barman just pointed to the end of the bar, where Jed observed this miserable looking guy sat next to a miniature piano and this tiny little guy tinkling the keys.
Jed's curiosity got the better of him so he went to enquire as to how such a little piano and a teeny weent little man could produce such a full and magnificent sound.
Jed: "Hey man, that's one strange sight there...a teeny weeny little piano and an even teenier weenier little guy playing some of the best rock n' roll I've ever heard. Where'd you come by them?"
Miserable guy: "Well I was walking along the beach and found this nice looking bottle. It was so unusual that I had to pick it up for closer inspection, and when I brushed off the sand, out pops this genie and gives me a single wish. I thought about it for a while and eventually decided what most wanted.
Jed: "Yeah, and what was that?"
Miserable guy: "Well, not being too well endowed, I asked for a 12 inch penis, but the genie was hard of hearing......and this is what I ended up with."
_footsie_
Reply #125 Thursday, February 9, 2006 6:12 PM
Reply #125 Thursday, February 9, 2006 6:12 PM
I think the infatuation with sex in this thread is pretty dang funny
starkers
Reply #126 Thursday, February 9, 2006 6:15 PM
Reply #126 Thursday, February 9, 2006 6:15 PM
Bill goes to a bar where one of his fav live bands is playing, orders himself a drink and takes up a position near the stage to take in the great music.
A little while passes and he notices this woman sitting all alone, while all the others are up dancing and having a good time.
He thought is was such a shame that he went over and asked if she wanted to dance.
The woman replies: "Well I'd have to go and ask my husband first to see if it's okay"
Upon reaching her husband, a 6'6" biker type, mean and nasty looking, she says: "There a guy over there who wants to dance with me, is that okay?"
The biker guy was playing pool and clearly didn't want to be interrupted so just agreed so he could continue with his shot.
The woman returns to Bill and begins to dance with him, which was quite fine until a slow number came on. Bill starts to feel a little romantic so whispers in her ear that he'd like to kiss her all over and make wild passionate love to her.
"Hang on a minute", she roars in a rather loud and brash manner: "I'll have to go speak to my husband about this.".....so off she goes to complain to him.
"OI!!!! That guy who asked me to dance just whispered that he wants to kiss me all over and make wild passionate love to me, what ya gonna do about it?"
"Look woman, can't you see I'm busy playing pool? There's alot of money riding on this game, so go back and finish dancing with the guy and I'll be over there shortly to sort him out."
The woman returns to Bill and continues to dance, but then the tempo goes up a few beats and he starts to get quite thirsty, so he whispers in her ear: "And what else I'd like to do is fill your mouth up with Black Russians and drink them out, you know, like a spit swap kind of thing."
Now that Idea really disgusts her, so she roars at him once again and takes off to complain to her husband. "OI!!!! Now he wants to fill my mouth up with Black Russians and drink them out....I want you to go over there right now and sort him out."
"Like hell I will, replied the biker: "I'm not fighting anyone who can drink that much."
A little while passes and he notices this woman sitting all alone, while all the others are up dancing and having a good time.
He thought is was such a shame that he went over and asked if she wanted to dance.
The woman replies: "Well I'd have to go and ask my husband first to see if it's okay"
Upon reaching her husband, a 6'6" biker type, mean and nasty looking, she says: "There a guy over there who wants to dance with me, is that okay?"
The biker guy was playing pool and clearly didn't want to be interrupted so just agreed so he could continue with his shot.
The woman returns to Bill and begins to dance with him, which was quite fine until a slow number came on. Bill starts to feel a little romantic so whispers in her ear that he'd like to kiss her all over and make wild passionate love to her.
"Hang on a minute", she roars in a rather loud and brash manner: "I'll have to go speak to my husband about this.".....so off she goes to complain to him.
"OI!!!! That guy who asked me to dance just whispered that he wants to kiss me all over and make wild passionate love to me, what ya gonna do about it?"
"Look woman, can't you see I'm busy playing pool? There's alot of money riding on this game, so go back and finish dancing with the guy and I'll be over there shortly to sort him out."
The woman returns to Bill and continues to dance, but then the tempo goes up a few beats and he starts to get quite thirsty, so he whispers in her ear: "And what else I'd like to do is fill your mouth up with Black Russians and drink them out, you know, like a spit swap kind of thing."
Now that Idea really disgusts her, so she roars at him once again and takes off to complain to her husband. "OI!!!! Now he wants to fill my mouth up with Black Russians and drink them out....I want you to go over there right now and sort him out."
"Like hell I will, replied the biker: "I'm not fighting anyone who can drink that much."
starkers
Reply #127 Thursday, February 9, 2006 6:25 PM
Actually, it's not an infatuation.
There are 3 main joke topics.....religion, sex and politics.
The problem with religious jokes is fear of starting another holy war, and the problem with political jokes is that they get elected to office.......
So what else are we left with?
Reply #127 Thursday, February 9, 2006 6:25 PM
| I think the infatuation with sex in this thread is pretty dang funny |
Actually, it's not an infatuation.
There are 3 main joke topics.....religion, sex and politics.
The problem with religious jokes is fear of starting another holy war, and the problem with political jokes is that they get elected to office.......
So what else are we left with?
NightTrainthedark
Reply #128 Thursday, February 9, 2006 7:18 PM
You missed the funniest group of humor there is........ Fart jokes!
Reply #128 Thursday, February 9, 2006 7:18 PM
| So what else are we left with? |
You missed the funniest group of humor there is........ Fart jokes!
Fuzzy Logic
Reply #129 Thursday, February 9, 2006 7:27 PM
Reply #129 Thursday, February 9, 2006 7:27 PM
Which reminds me...
A guy goes to the doctor with a wind problem...
"Doctor" he says, "every time I break wind, I hear the sound 'honda' "
"Hmmm" says the doctor, "how odd. Let me examine you"
After the examination the doctor says " I know what's wrong with you... it's an abcess..."
"An abcess?" Says the man, "What's that about?"
"Well..." says the doctor, "...everyone knows an abcess makes the fart go 'honda'..."...
starkers
Reply #130 Thursday, February 9, 2006 8:38 PM
Your'e quite right....how could I have been so forgetful, given that flatulence is a current issue.......
Oh well, maybe it was all that pressure below and I was feeling light headed.
Outlaw biker is present at the birth of his first child.
It's a bit of a difficult birth....alot of grunting, groaning and: "This is all your fault you bastard.", going on.
The midwife tells the mother: "The head is just startiing to show, if you were to do some breathing exercises for a moment and give one final push, I'm sure your baby will arrive."
The mother does some panting and heaving breathing for a while and decides to give one almighty final push......RIIIIIPPP. Out comes this rip snorting, humungous fart of gigantic proportions.
Upon hearing this, the proud father goes: " Well he's a chip off the old block, then, just like me."
The mother, still in some pain and discomfort says: 'What the f**k makes you say a thing like that.....how d'ya know its even a boy?"
"Just heard him kick start his Harley!"
Reply #130 Thursday, February 9, 2006 8:38 PM
| You missed the funniest group of humor there is........ Fart jokes! |
Your'e quite right....how could I have been so forgetful, given that flatulence is a current issue.......
Oh well, maybe it was all that pressure below and I was feeling light headed.
Outlaw biker is present at the birth of his first child.
It's a bit of a difficult birth....alot of grunting, groaning and: "This is all your fault you bastard.", going on.
The midwife tells the mother: "The head is just startiing to show, if you were to do some breathing exercises for a moment and give one final push, I'm sure your baby will arrive."
The mother does some panting and heaving breathing for a while and decides to give one almighty final push......RIIIIIPPP. Out comes this rip snorting, humungous fart of gigantic proportions.
Upon hearing this, the proud father goes: " Well he's a chip off the old block, then, just like me."
The mother, still in some pain and discomfort says: 'What the f**k makes you say a thing like that.....how d'ya know its even a boy?"
"Just heard him kick start his Harley!"
starkers
Reply #131 Thursday, February 9, 2006 8:54 PM
Reply #131 Thursday, February 9, 2006 8:54 PM
Father and son Undertakers team have to go the the home of an elderly woman who has passed on a couple of days earlier.
Given that she looked like an old crone when alive, the thought of seeing her face when dead was the topic of a very heated debate as to who was taking the head, and who was going to get the feet to lift her corpse into the coffin.
Eventually it was decided by the flip of a coin.....dad gets the feet and the son has to pick her up at the othewr, much uglier end.
As decomposition had begun, and bodily gases had accumulated, when they lifted the old woman's body, it broke wind with enormous gusto.....a force which almost blew slightly built dad off his feet.
"That's it!!!!" says dad: "If you've still got the strength to fart, you old crone, you can bloody well walk out to the hearse and get in the coffin yourself."
Given that she looked like an old crone when alive, the thought of seeing her face when dead was the topic of a very heated debate as to who was taking the head, and who was going to get the feet to lift her corpse into the coffin.
Eventually it was decided by the flip of a coin.....dad gets the feet and the son has to pick her up at the othewr, much uglier end.
As decomposition had begun, and bodily gases had accumulated, when they lifted the old woman's body, it broke wind with enormous gusto.....a force which almost blew slightly built dad off his feet.
"That's it!!!!" says dad: "If you've still got the strength to fart, you old crone, you can bloody well walk out to the hearse and get in the coffin yourself."
starkers
Reply #132 Thursday, February 9, 2006 9:21 PM
Reply #132 Thursday, February 9, 2006 9:21 PM
Quite some years ago now, I was going out with a girl called Pat, and to be properly introduced and etc, I was invited to share their evening meal this particular night.
It was quite a lavish do....pre-entee prawn cocktails, entree of escargot, a mushroom soup course, the main meal of Peking Duck and all the sides, a dessert course of cheescake and walnut icecream. WOW!!!!!
To be quite honest, with a spead like that, I thought that I was well and truly out of my league.....but there was worse.....
I'd not long before had a rather large lunch because I had missed breakfast, so I wasn't particularly hungry. However, rather than appear to be rude or inappreciative, I ate whatever was put in font of me......big nistake.
The more I put in, the greater the pressure, the greater the pressure, the more I began to fart.
At the sound of the first fart, Pat's father roared: "Toby, get out from under the table!" (Toby being their dog, a Pug) Aha, I thought, he's blaming the dog for that, so when the need next arose, I let it go.
Again: "Toby, get out from under the table!"
Well this went on throughoput the meal, and with each passing course, the farts became more frequent and loud.....with the "Toby, get out from under the table" order being given each time....and my confidence in remaining undetected growing with them.
By the time dessert was over and we were sitting there drinking our coffees, the pressure had surpassed anything I could with-hold and this rip roaring fart just bellowed out and shook the room, the very foundations, even.
With that, Pat's father roared under the table aqain: "Toby, get out from under that table.......before that dirty b@**@rd sh!ts on you!!!!!!"
It was quite a lavish do....pre-entee prawn cocktails, entree of escargot, a mushroom soup course, the main meal of Peking Duck and all the sides, a dessert course of cheescake and walnut icecream. WOW!!!!!
To be quite honest, with a spead like that, I thought that I was well and truly out of my league.....but there was worse.....
I'd not long before had a rather large lunch because I had missed breakfast, so I wasn't particularly hungry. However, rather than appear to be rude or inappreciative, I ate whatever was put in font of me......big nistake.
The more I put in, the greater the pressure, the greater the pressure, the more I began to fart.
At the sound of the first fart, Pat's father roared: "Toby, get out from under the table!" (Toby being their dog, a Pug) Aha, I thought, he's blaming the dog for that, so when the need next arose, I let it go.
Again: "Toby, get out from under the table!"
Well this went on throughoput the meal, and with each passing course, the farts became more frequent and loud.....with the "Toby, get out from under the table" order being given each time....and my confidence in remaining undetected growing with them.
By the time dessert was over and we were sitting there drinking our coffees, the pressure had surpassed anything I could with-hold and this rip roaring fart just bellowed out and shook the room, the very foundations, even.
With that, Pat's father roared under the table aqain: "Toby, get out from under that table.......before that dirty b@**@rd sh!ts on you!!!!!!"
starkers
Reply #133 Friday, February 10, 2006 9:48 AM
Reply #133 Friday, February 10, 2006 9:48 AM
Guy driving through an unfamiliar neighbourhood spots a for sale sign outside of a house......Talking Dog for Sale $5.00
Well this was very intriguing indeed, so the guy pulls up and enquires about purchasing this talking dog....the $$$$$$ signs lighting up in his eyes for all the show business opportunities it would present....
"Hi there, my name's Lloyd and I'm interested in buying your dog....can he really talk?
"Hell yeah!", say the owner: "Just ask him a question, and he'll answer it...reads alot and surfs the net, so he's very well educated."
"Okay dog, asks Lloyd: "What's your name?"
"Clyde!", says the dog: 'And before being asked to resign, I used to work for the Government."
"Sounds very interesting," says Lloyd; "and what did you do for the Government?"
"Well I started out in airport security, you know, sniffing out drugs, explosives, weapons and contraband, etc. However, my handler felt my talents were being wasted there, when other, non-talking dogs could do the job, so he got me into espionage and spying for the C.I.A., the Military and F.B.I. Well who'd suspect it,, like an ordinary looking mutt like me, eavesdropping, taking notes and using a wire to relay back to the team? Yeah, t'was a very interesting life, I got to travel all over the world, to some very exotic locations in the Pacific; to some very dangerous locations like Iraq, was there for the first Gulf War, you know. I even went up to the International Space Station for a while to help the Russians with speaking, reading and writing English...as well as do a bit of snooping with the spy satelites looking down on suspect nations and leaders, etc.
"Wow!!!!", says Lloyd, "Now that is some life, why there'd even be humans with less experience and traveling than you....so what made you wanna give up all that?"
"Well," says Clyde: " the President heard of my exploits and talents, so he requested that I be added to his personal staff at the White House....trouble was, the food was a bit rich."
"You left over the food?".
Lloyd was astounded, that he'd leave the White house over food when he could've had anything he wanted, so he enquired further into it.
"Nah, it wasn't the food exactly...it was fantastic...just that it made me fart quite a bit, and one day in the Oval Office....
Well it got that way that the President asked if I'd like to retire....so after many years of great service to my country, yeah, I called it a day and ended up here, where I was born some 28 years ago"
By now Lloyd was absolutely flabbergasted and totally had to have this dog, so approached the owner to hand over the $5,00, though still somewhat curious.......
"Hey man, Clyde is one helluva talking dog, and with all that travel, Government experience and......well hey, I just gotta have him. One thing, though....with all that living and experience under his belt, why so cheap?
"Well," says the owner: "It's all bullshit!"
Well this was very intriguing indeed, so the guy pulls up and enquires about purchasing this talking dog....the $$$$$$ signs lighting up in his eyes for all the show business opportunities it would present....
"Hi there, my name's Lloyd and I'm interested in buying your dog....can he really talk?
"Hell yeah!", say the owner: "Just ask him a question, and he'll answer it...reads alot and surfs the net, so he's very well educated."
"Okay dog, asks Lloyd: "What's your name?"
"Clyde!", says the dog: 'And before being asked to resign, I used to work for the Government."
"Sounds very interesting," says Lloyd; "and what did you do for the Government?"
"Well I started out in airport security, you know, sniffing out drugs, explosives, weapons and contraband, etc. However, my handler felt my talents were being wasted there, when other, non-talking dogs could do the job, so he got me into espionage and spying for the C.I.A., the Military and F.B.I. Well who'd suspect it,, like an ordinary looking mutt like me, eavesdropping, taking notes and using a wire to relay back to the team? Yeah, t'was a very interesting life, I got to travel all over the world, to some very exotic locations in the Pacific; to some very dangerous locations like Iraq, was there for the first Gulf War, you know. I even went up to the International Space Station for a while to help the Russians with speaking, reading and writing English...as well as do a bit of snooping with the spy satelites looking down on suspect nations and leaders, etc.
"Wow!!!!", says Lloyd, "Now that is some life, why there'd even be humans with less experience and traveling than you....so what made you wanna give up all that?"
"Well," says Clyde: " the President heard of my exploits and talents, so he requested that I be added to his personal staff at the White House....trouble was, the food was a bit rich."
"You left over the food?".
Lloyd was astounded, that he'd leave the White house over food when he could've had anything he wanted, so he enquired further into it.
"Nah, it wasn't the food exactly...it was fantastic...just that it made me fart quite a bit, and one day in the Oval Office....
Well it got that way that the President asked if I'd like to retire....so after many years of great service to my country, yeah, I called it a day and ended up here, where I was born some 28 years ago"
By now Lloyd was absolutely flabbergasted and totally had to have this dog, so approached the owner to hand over the $5,00, though still somewhat curious.......
"Hey man, Clyde is one helluva talking dog, and with all that travel, Government experience and......well hey, I just gotta have him. One thing, though....with all that living and experience under his belt, why so cheap?
"Well," says the owner: "It's all bullshit!"
M1dn1ghtR1der
Reply #134 Friday, February 10, 2006 10:32 AM
Reply #134 Friday, February 10, 2006 10:32 AM
dumbest joke in the world, but there really are ppl i have had to explain it to
2 fish are swimming along and SMASH, they run into something huge and hard.
one fish looks at the other and says "Damn"
2 fish are swimming along and SMASH, they run into something huge and hard.
one fish looks at the other and says "Damn"
M1dn1ghtR1der
Reply #135 Friday, February 10, 2006 10:37 AM
Reply #135 Friday, February 10, 2006 10:37 AM
An old couple live in the back woods of Arkansas and one day Ma comes into the house
"Pa go out and fix the outhouse."
Pa goes out side and looks in the outhouse
"Ma aint nothing wrong with the outhouse." he yells
"You have to go inside, now fix it"
Pa goes inside and looks around. "Ma aint nothing wrong with it" he yells again
"You have to stick your head in the hole to see it" Ma called back
Pa sticks his head in the hole and notices some cracks in the seat, as he starts to get up his beard gets stuck in the cracks. "Ma help my beard is stuck in the seat" he screams
"Thats what i want you to fix" she calmly calls back.
"Pa go out and fix the outhouse."
Pa goes out side and looks in the outhouse
"Ma aint nothing wrong with the outhouse." he yells
"You have to go inside, now fix it"
Pa goes inside and looks around. "Ma aint nothing wrong with it" he yells again
"You have to stick your head in the hole to see it" Ma called back
Pa sticks his head in the hole and notices some cracks in the seat, as he starts to get up his beard gets stuck in the cracks. "Ma help my beard is stuck in the seat" he screams
"Thats what i want you to fix" she calmly calls back.
Gusteau
Reply #136 Friday, February 10, 2006 11:10 AM
Reply #136 Friday, February 10, 2006 11:10 AM
How many perverts does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Just one, but it takes the entire emergency room to get it out....
BA DA DUM
Just one, but it takes the entire emergency room to get it out....
BA DA DUM
starkers
Reply #137 Friday, February 10, 2006 1:23 PM
Reply #137 Friday, February 10, 2006 1:23 PM
After a long cattle drive, a cowboy is ravenous and needs to eat...problem being that the only eating establishment open in town is a rather posh and fancy restaraunt, and he;s just not dressed for the occasion...not to mention having to sit down with snobs who'd look down upom him.
However, his appetite got the better of him so he entered and took a table to read the menu prior to ordering.
No sooner had he sat down, and this rather uppish type woman started to give him a hard time with derogatory and uncomplimentary remarks.
The cowboy tried his hardest to ignore the woman, but the harder he tried the more obnoxious she became.
Whilst ordering her meal, she made a point of being heard, to be seen as somewhat of a food connoissuer. Every item was ordered in French, with specific instuctions as to how each course should be prepared....oh, ladidadidah. "And waiter", she added at the conclusion of her menu order: would you please open some windows, I can smell horse! There must be a odious cowboy in the house."
When it came time for the cowboy to place his order, he says to the waiter: "I want a slab of steak....rump steak that was so close to the cows arse I can taste it, and I want it rare...rare as rocking horse shit and lots of onions..fried onions that are so well done they'll make my eyes water. For dessert I'll have apple pie with cream...but I want them sour apples near raw and the cream near sour cos I ain't got much of a sweet tooth. And coffee....I want strong coffee, as strong as texas mule piss, and hot....so hot the steam fogs up yer chandeliers."
Will that be all?" asked the waiter.
"Nope!" says the cowboy: " I can smell real cheap perfume, so would ya'll knock a wall down.....cos it sure smells like there's a whore in the house."
However, his appetite got the better of him so he entered and took a table to read the menu prior to ordering.
No sooner had he sat down, and this rather uppish type woman started to give him a hard time with derogatory and uncomplimentary remarks.
The cowboy tried his hardest to ignore the woman, but the harder he tried the more obnoxious she became.
Whilst ordering her meal, she made a point of being heard, to be seen as somewhat of a food connoissuer. Every item was ordered in French, with specific instuctions as to how each course should be prepared....oh, ladidadidah. "And waiter", she added at the conclusion of her menu order: would you please open some windows, I can smell horse! There must be a odious cowboy in the house."
When it came time for the cowboy to place his order, he says to the waiter: "I want a slab of steak....rump steak that was so close to the cows arse I can taste it, and I want it rare...rare as rocking horse shit and lots of onions..fried onions that are so well done they'll make my eyes water. For dessert I'll have apple pie with cream...but I want them sour apples near raw and the cream near sour cos I ain't got much of a sweet tooth. And coffee....I want strong coffee, as strong as texas mule piss, and hot....so hot the steam fogs up yer chandeliers."
Will that be all?" asked the waiter.
"Nope!" says the cowboy: " I can smell real cheap perfume, so would ya'll knock a wall down.....cos it sure smells like there's a whore in the house."
starkers
Reply #138 Friday, February 10, 2006 2:20 PM
Reply #138 Friday, February 10, 2006 2:20 PM
The little farm cottage in County Cork, Ireland was all abuzz with excitement as the couple were expecting their first child. It was a wonderous time as they'd had problems conceiving and had some fertility treatment that finally worked....and being that they decided upon a home birth, that atmosphere in the cottage was electric.
Well almost electric....cos way out there in the country they didn't have electricity, so relied on kerosene lamps and candles, etc.
The doctor and midwife had arrived and were monitoring the labor to ensure all was well, which it was until the head began to show much earlier than expected.
A few moments later: "whaaaa, whaaaaa, whaaaaa.", and the doctor announced to the proud father that he had a brand new baby son. Well off goes the father to whet the baby's head with a few swigs of the best Irish Whiskey available.
Halfway down the stairs he hears the doctor calling out: OI, OI, bring the lamp back, I think there's another one.", so back up the stairs he goes, and sure enough, a moment later a daughter is born.
"Oh begorrah, this is time for celebration.", and off back down the stairs he goes, heading straight for that whiskey.....only to hear: "Oi, Oi, bring back that lamp, there's another on the way,", and sure enough, seconds later, there was......
"Well my good man, said the doctor: "Youve now 2 sons and a daughter, now be off with you and have a drink for me while you're at it."
With whiskey bottle in hand and just about to unscrew the cap, the proud father hears yet again: Oi, quickly, bring the lamp back, there's another.....
So back up the stairs he trudges and enters the room, just in time to shed light on the second daughter's arrival.
The doctor tells him yet again to go off and get that whiskey....he'd surely earnt it, but no sooner had he left the little bedroom and out calls the doctor for him to bring back the lamp.
In thinking about how the moths always surround the lamp at supper time, he calls back out:......."To hell I will, it's the bloody light that's attracting them!"
Then of course you heard about the Irish newlyweds....waited up all night for their sexual relations to arrive.....boom boom.
BTW...no offence to any Irish people here, anywhere else for that matter I've a bit of Irish blood in my own veins....to be sure, to be sure.
Well almost electric....cos way out there in the country they didn't have electricity, so relied on kerosene lamps and candles, etc.
The doctor and midwife had arrived and were monitoring the labor to ensure all was well, which it was until the head began to show much earlier than expected.
A few moments later: "whaaaa, whaaaaa, whaaaaa.", and the doctor announced to the proud father that he had a brand new baby son. Well off goes the father to whet the baby's head with a few swigs of the best Irish Whiskey available.
Halfway down the stairs he hears the doctor calling out: OI, OI, bring the lamp back, I think there's another one.", so back up the stairs he goes, and sure enough, a moment later a daughter is born.
"Oh begorrah, this is time for celebration.", and off back down the stairs he goes, heading straight for that whiskey.....only to hear: "Oi, Oi, bring back that lamp, there's another on the way,", and sure enough, seconds later, there was......
"Well my good man, said the doctor: "Youve now 2 sons and a daughter, now be off with you and have a drink for me while you're at it."
With whiskey bottle in hand and just about to unscrew the cap, the proud father hears yet again: Oi, quickly, bring the lamp back, there's another.....
So back up the stairs he trudges and enters the room, just in time to shed light on the second daughter's arrival.
The doctor tells him yet again to go off and get that whiskey....he'd surely earnt it, but no sooner had he left the little bedroom and out calls the doctor for him to bring back the lamp.
In thinking about how the moths always surround the lamp at supper time, he calls back out:......."To hell I will, it's the bloody light that's attracting them!"
Then of course you heard about the Irish newlyweds....waited up all night for their sexual relations to arrive.....boom boom.
BTW...no offence to any Irish people here, anywhere else for that matter I've a bit of Irish blood in my own veins....to be sure, to be sure.
starkers
Reply #139 Thursday, February 16, 2006 2:08 AM
Reply #139 Thursday, February 16, 2006 2:08 AM
Mother Superior called the nuns together to make an announcement.....
"It has come to my attention that there's a case of gonnorhea in the convent"....but before she could utter another syllable, Sister Evangelina loudly exalts....
"Praise the Lord, I was tiring of the daily Chardonnay!!!"
"It has come to my attention that there's a case of gonnorhea in the convent"....but before she could utter another syllable, Sister Evangelina loudly exalts....
"Praise the Lord, I was tiring of the daily Chardonnay!!!"
Lantec
Reply #140 Thursday, February 16, 2006 7:17 AM
Reply #140 Thursday, February 16, 2006 7:17 AM
Blonde Joke (Hope it's not already posted)
A blonde is sitting with her husband listening to the radio one evening and the announcer states a blizzard is coming and everyone needs to move their vehicles to the even address side of the road for the snow plows to come through.
The next day, he announces that people should move their cars to the odd address side of the road so the snow plows can come through.
The following evening as they're listening the annoucer comes on and just before he says which side to move the cars to, the electricity goes out.
The blonde looks over at her husband and asks "what side do you think I should move the car to?"
The patient husband (like any man used to living with a blonde) lovingly looks at her and says "this time honey, why don't you just leave it in the garage."
A blonde is sitting with her husband listening to the radio one evening and the announcer states a blizzard is coming and everyone needs to move their vehicles to the even address side of the road for the snow plows to come through.
The next day, he announces that people should move their cars to the odd address side of the road so the snow plows can come through.
The following evening as they're listening the annoucer comes on and just before he says which side to move the cars to, the electricity goes out.
The blonde looks over at her husband and asks "what side do you think I should move the car to?"
The patient husband (like any man used to living with a blonde) lovingly looks at her and says "this time honey, why don't you just leave it in the garage."
Please login to comment and/or vote for this skin.
Welcome Guest! Please take the time to register with us.
There are many great features available to you once you register, including:
- Richer content, access to many features that are disabled for guests like commenting on the forums and downloading skins.
- Access to a great community, with a massive database of many, many areas of interest.
- Access to contests & subscription offers like exclusive emails.
- It's simple, and FREE!
|
|
Page 7 of 8 | |
|
|---|
Reply #121 Tuesday, February 7, 2006 11:06 PM
John asks her, "What are you up to?"
Diann smiles, "I'm going hunting with you!"
John had long ago decided taking the wife on a hunting trip just wouldn't work, but he can't convince her to stay home. Reluctantly, he agrees to take her along. Three hours later they arrive at a game preserve just outside of San Marcos,Texas.
John sets his lovely wife safely up in the tree stand and tells her,"If you see a deer, take careful aim on it and I'll come running back as soon as I hear the shot."
John walks away with a smile on his face knowing that Diann couldn't bag an elephant, much less a deer. Not 10 minutes pass when he is startledas he hears a series of gunshots. Quickly, John begins running back. As John gets closer to her stand, he hears Diann screaming, "Get away from mydeer!"
Confused and frightened John races faster towards his screaming wife.
And again he hears her yell, "Get away from my deer now!" followed by another volley of gunfire!
Now, within sight of the treestand where he had left his wife, John is surprised to see a Texas cowboy, with his hands high in the air.
The cowboy is pleading for his life, "Okay! Okay!, Okay lady! You can have your deer! Just let me get my saddle off it!"