Jokes
Make us to laugh ... !!!
Monday, August 30, 2004 by BX | Discussion: WinCustomize Talk
A floks....
Don't you have a great joke to share with us....if yes then why to wait...we are here and you too.....
Don't you have a great joke to share with us....if yes then why to wait...we are here and you too.....
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BX
Reply #102 Saturday, December 10, 2005 2:15 AM
Reply #102 Saturday, December 10, 2005 2:15 AM
Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson
Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson went on a camping trip.
After a good meal and a bottle of wine, they lay down for the night and went to sleep.
Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friend. 'Watson, look up and tell me what you see.'
Watson replied, 'I see millions and millions of stars.'
'What does that tell you?'
Watson pondered for a minute. 'Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful and that we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. Why, what does it tell YOU?'
Holmes was silent for a minute, then spoke. 'Watson, you idiot. Some jerk has stolen our tent.'
Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson went on a camping trip.
After a good meal and a bottle of wine, they lay down for the night and went to sleep.
Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friend. 'Watson, look up and tell me what you see.'
Watson replied, 'I see millions and millions of stars.'
'What does that tell you?'
Watson pondered for a minute. 'Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful and that we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. Why, what does it tell YOU?'
Holmes was silent for a minute, then spoke. 'Watson, you idiot. Some jerk has stolen our tent.'
starkers
Reply #103 Saturday, December 10, 2005 4:49 AM
Reply #103 Saturday, December 10, 2005 4:49 AM
The new doctor was at the end of guided tour of the psychiatric facitity before commencing work, when he spotted a ward that he'd not been shown....
Doc: "What's in there?"
Admin: "Oh, that's the ward for those who think they're famous people."
Doc: "Well that's my specialty, I would like to meet with them."
Admin: "Okay, be prepared for some really strange carryings on, then."
Once inside the ward, the new doctor begins to introduce himself to the patients, while the admin gave him a running commentary of which patients thought they were whom. After a while the doctor tired of the admin circumventing patient interaction and motioned him to be silent for the remainder of the tour, to allow the patients to speak for themselves.
Within a short while he'd met Winston Churchill; Ghandi; Julius Caeser; Napoleon and Confucious. Then he spotted a man drssed in long robes carrying two stone tablets...
Doc: "And who are you?"
Patient: "My name's Moses."
Doc: "And how do you know that you're Moses?"
Patient: "Look, who else would I be? Here I have the Ten Commandments."
Doc: "And where did you get those?"
Patient: "God gave them to me."
Then the patient in the next room shouts out: "No I never!!!
Doc: "What's in there?"
Admin: "Oh, that's the ward for those who think they're famous people."
Doc: "Well that's my specialty, I would like to meet with them."
Admin: "Okay, be prepared for some really strange carryings on, then."
Once inside the ward, the new doctor begins to introduce himself to the patients, while the admin gave him a running commentary of which patients thought they were whom. After a while the doctor tired of the admin circumventing patient interaction and motioned him to be silent for the remainder of the tour, to allow the patients to speak for themselves.
Within a short while he'd met Winston Churchill; Ghandi; Julius Caeser; Napoleon and Confucious. Then he spotted a man drssed in long robes carrying two stone tablets...
Doc: "And who are you?"
Patient: "My name's Moses."
Doc: "And how do you know that you're Moses?"
Patient: "Look, who else would I be? Here I have the Ten Commandments."
Doc: "And where did you get those?"
Patient: "God gave them to me."
Then the patient in the next room shouts out: "No I never!!!
starkers
Reply #104 Saturday, December 10, 2005 11:46 AM
Reply #104 Saturday, December 10, 2005 11:46 AM
Could've Been Worse
Some years ago I worked with this guy who, no matter what disaster you told him about, would always say: "Could've been worse!"
Well one day some of my work mates became tired of this 'could've been worse' attitude and decided that we'd relate some catastrophes that not alot could be worse than. The first was regarding aplane crash in which 759 people perished, and as usual, the response was: "Could've been worse!"
The next related how a sea going ferry had capsised and 2577 people had drowned, and again the response was: "Could've been worse!"
The next guy told him off how a high speed bullet train, laden with passengers had gone off the rails, killing all 2350 people on board, and you guessed it: "Could've been worse!"
Then it was my turn to be the bearer of bad tidings, so I said to him: "Hey George, did you hear about Harry?"
George: "Harry who?"
Me: "Your brother Harry!"
George: "What about him?"
Me: "Well last night he got home from the pub a little earlier than usual and found his wife in bed with another man. He went back downstairs, got out and loaded his 12 gauge, went back upstairs and shot the pair of them dead. Once he'd confirmed this, he then turned the gun around and shot himself dead."
George: "Could've been worse!"
Me "How in the hell could anything be worse than that, your brother's dead, your sister-in law's dead, and your best friend is dead!!! What could be worse than that?"
George: "Could've been the night before, then I'd be dead!"
Some years ago I worked with this guy who, no matter what disaster you told him about, would always say: "Could've been worse!"
Well one day some of my work mates became tired of this 'could've been worse' attitude and decided that we'd relate some catastrophes that not alot could be worse than. The first was regarding aplane crash in which 759 people perished, and as usual, the response was: "Could've been worse!"
The next related how a sea going ferry had capsised and 2577 people had drowned, and again the response was: "Could've been worse!"
The next guy told him off how a high speed bullet train, laden with passengers had gone off the rails, killing all 2350 people on board, and you guessed it: "Could've been worse!"
Then it was my turn to be the bearer of bad tidings, so I said to him: "Hey George, did you hear about Harry?"
George: "Harry who?"
Me: "Your brother Harry!"
George: "What about him?"
Me: "Well last night he got home from the pub a little earlier than usual and found his wife in bed with another man. He went back downstairs, got out and loaded his 12 gauge, went back upstairs and shot the pair of them dead. Once he'd confirmed this, he then turned the gun around and shot himself dead."
George: "Could've been worse!"
Me "How in the hell could anything be worse than that, your brother's dead, your sister-in law's dead, and your best friend is dead!!! What could be worse than that?"
George: "Could've been the night before, then I'd be dead!"
starkers
Reply #105 Saturday, December 10, 2005 10:00 PM
Reply #105 Saturday, December 10, 2005 10:00 PM
Confession
A woman in a rather distressed state goes into the confessional and says: "Father, Father, please forgive me, for I have sinned."
Priest: "Yes my dear, and what is it you have done?"
Woman: "I called a man a bastard!"
Priest: "OH DEAR! I God's eyes we are equal, and to call a man a bastard is a mortal sin."
Woman: "But Father, he fondled my breasts."
Priest: "Like this my dear?"
Woman: "Yes Father, just like that."
Priest: "But that's no reason to call a man a bastard!"
Woman: "But he undressed me!!!!"
Priest: Like this my dear?"
Woman: "Yes Father, just like that....and, and and then he undressed himself."
Priest: "Like this my dear?"
Woman: Yes Father, just like that....and he was all excited like you are."
Priest: But that's still no reason to call a man a bastard."
Woman: "But, but, but Father, then he made wild passionate love to me."
Priest: "Like this my dear?"
Woman: "OOOOH yes, just like that Father."
Priest: "But that's still no reason to call a man a bastard!!! God does not look kindly upon those who name call and insult others."
Woman: "BUT FATHER!!!!""
Priest: "What...there's more?"
Woman: "Yes Father...then he told me he had an STD!!!"
"THE BASTARD, THE BASTARD!!!!!!!"
A woman in a rather distressed state goes into the confessional and says: "Father, Father, please forgive me, for I have sinned."
Priest: "Yes my dear, and what is it you have done?"
Woman: "I called a man a bastard!"
Priest: "OH DEAR! I God's eyes we are equal, and to call a man a bastard is a mortal sin."
Woman: "But Father, he fondled my breasts."
Priest: "Like this my dear?"
Woman: "Yes Father, just like that."
Priest: "But that's no reason to call a man a bastard!"
Woman: "But he undressed me!!!!"
Priest: Like this my dear?"
Woman: "Yes Father, just like that....and, and and then he undressed himself."
Priest: "Like this my dear?"
Woman: Yes Father, just like that....and he was all excited like you are."
Priest: But that's still no reason to call a man a bastard."
Woman: "But, but, but Father, then he made wild passionate love to me."
Priest: "Like this my dear?"
Woman: "OOOOH yes, just like that Father."
Priest: "But that's still no reason to call a man a bastard!!! God does not look kindly upon those who name call and insult others."
Woman: "BUT FATHER!!!!""
Priest: "What...there's more?"
Woman: "Yes Father...then he told me he had an STD!!!"
"THE BASTARD, THE BASTARD!!!!!!!"
BX
Reply #106 Tuesday, December 13, 2005 1:41 PM
Reply #106 Tuesday, December 13, 2005 1:41 PM
Poor Men:
If you put a woman on a pedestal and try to protect her from the rat race, you're a male chauvinist.
If you stay home and do the housework, you're a sissy.
If you work too hard, there is never any time for her.
If you don't work enough, you're a good-for-nothing bum.
If she has a boring repetitive job with low pay, this is exploitation.
If you have a boring repetitive job with low pay, you should get off your butt and find something better.
If you get a promotion ahead of her, that is favoritism.
If she gets a job ahead of you, it's equal opportunity.
If you mention how nice she looks, it's sexual harassment.
If you keep quiet, it's male indifference.
If you cry, you're a wimp.
If you don't, you're an insensitive jerk.
If you thump her, it's wife bashing.
If she thumps you, it's self defense.
If you make a decision without consulting her, you're a chauvinist.
If she makes a decision without consulting you, she's a liberated woman.
If you ask her to do something she doesn't enjoy, that's domination.
If she asks you, it's a favor.
If you try to keep yourself in shape, you're vain.
If you don't, you're a slob.
If you buy her flowers, you're after something.
If you don't, you're not thoughtful.
If you're proud of your achievements, you're up on yourself.
If you don't, you're not ambitious.
If she has a headache, she's tired.
If you have a headache, you don't love her anymore.
If you put a woman on a pedestal and try to protect her from the rat race, you're a male chauvinist.
If you stay home and do the housework, you're a sissy.
If you work too hard, there is never any time for her.
If you don't work enough, you're a good-for-nothing bum.
If she has a boring repetitive job with low pay, this is exploitation.
If you have a boring repetitive job with low pay, you should get off your butt and find something better.
If you get a promotion ahead of her, that is favoritism.
If she gets a job ahead of you, it's equal opportunity.
If you mention how nice she looks, it's sexual harassment.
If you keep quiet, it's male indifference.
If you cry, you're a wimp.
If you don't, you're an insensitive jerk.
If you thump her, it's wife bashing.
If she thumps you, it's self defense.
If you make a decision without consulting her, you're a chauvinist.
If she makes a decision without consulting you, she's a liberated woman.
If you ask her to do something she doesn't enjoy, that's domination.
If she asks you, it's a favor.
If you try to keep yourself in shape, you're vain.
If you don't, you're a slob.
If you buy her flowers, you're after something.
If you don't, you're not thoughtful.
If you're proud of your achievements, you're up on yourself.
If you don't, you're not ambitious.
If she has a headache, she's tired.
If you have a headache, you don't love her anymore.
How True
starkers
Reply #108 Tuesday, December 13, 2005 6:25 PM
Reply #108 Tuesday, December 13, 2005 6:25 PM
If you buy her flowers...it's a peace offering because you've obviously done something wrong.
If you don't....you've got no conscience.
If you don't....you've got no conscience.
Stupendous Man
Reply #109 Tuesday, December 20, 2005 4:08 PM
Reply #109 Tuesday, December 20, 2005 4:08 PM
The Love Dress
On a Tuesday afternoon a woman stopped by unannounced at her recently married son's house. She rang the doorbell and walked in. She was shocked to see her daughter-in-law lying on the couch, totally naked. Soft music was playing, and the aroma of perfume filled the room. "What are you doing?" she asked.
"I'm waiting for my husband to come home from work," the daughter-in-law answered.
"But you're naked!", the mother-in-law exclaimed.
"This is my love dress", the daughter-in-law explained.
"Love dress? But you're naked!"
"My husband loves for me to wear this dress," she explained. "It excites him to no end. Every time he sees me in this dress, he instantly becomes romantic and ravages me for hours on end. He can't get enough of me."
The mother-in-law left. When she got home, she undressed, showered,
put on her best perfume, dimmed the lights, put on a romantic CD, and laid on the couch waiting for her husband to arrive. Finally her husband came home. He walked in and saw her laying there so provocatively.
"What are you doing?" he asked. "This is my love dress," she whispered, sensually. "Needs ironing," he said. "What's for dinner?" His funeral was held that Thursday.
On a Tuesday afternoon a woman stopped by unannounced at her recently married son's house. She rang the doorbell and walked in. She was shocked to see her daughter-in-law lying on the couch, totally naked. Soft music was playing, and the aroma of perfume filled the room. "What are you doing?" she asked.
"I'm waiting for my husband to come home from work," the daughter-in-law answered.
"But you're naked!", the mother-in-law exclaimed.
"This is my love dress", the daughter-in-law explained.
"Love dress? But you're naked!"
"My husband loves for me to wear this dress," she explained. "It excites him to no end. Every time he sees me in this dress, he instantly becomes romantic and ravages me for hours on end. He can't get enough of me."
The mother-in-law left. When she got home, she undressed, showered,
put on her best perfume, dimmed the lights, put on a romantic CD, and laid on the couch waiting for her husband to arrive. Finally her husband came home. He walked in and saw her laying there so provocatively.
"What are you doing?" he asked. "This is my love dress," she whispered, sensually. "Needs ironing," he said. "What's for dinner?" His funeral was held that Thursday.
Bichur
Reply #111 Tuesday, December 20, 2005 4:23 PM
Reply #111 Tuesday, December 20, 2005 4:23 PM
The tribal wisdom of the Dakota Indians, passed on from generation to generation, says that:
When you discover that you are riding a dead horse, the best strategy is to dismount.
However, the U.S. government employs more advanced strategies, such as:
1. Buying a stronger whip.
2. Changing riders.
3. Appointing a committee to study the horse.
4. Arranging to visit other countries to see how other cultures ride horses.
5. Lowering the standards so that dead horses can be included.
6. Reclassifying the dead horse as living impaired.
7. Hiring outside contractors to ride the dead horse.
8. Harnessing several dead horses together to increase speed.
9. Providing additional funding and training to increase the dead horses' performance.
10. Doing a productivity study to see if lighter riders would improve the dead horses performance.
11. Declaring that as the dead horse does not need to be fed, it is less costly, carries a lower overhead and, therefore, contributes substantially more to the bottom line of the economy then live horses.
12. Rewriting the expected performance requirements for all horses.
And, of course, my personal favorite
Promoting the dead horse to a supervisory position!!
When you discover that you are riding a dead horse, the best strategy is to dismount.
However, the U.S. government employs more advanced strategies, such as:
1. Buying a stronger whip.
2. Changing riders.
3. Appointing a committee to study the horse.
4. Arranging to visit other countries to see how other cultures ride horses.
5. Lowering the standards so that dead horses can be included.
6. Reclassifying the dead horse as living impaired.
7. Hiring outside contractors to ride the dead horse.
8. Harnessing several dead horses together to increase speed.
9. Providing additional funding and training to increase the dead horses' performance.
10. Doing a productivity study to see if lighter riders would improve the dead horses performance.
11. Declaring that as the dead horse does not need to be fed, it is less costly, carries a lower overhead and, therefore, contributes substantially more to the bottom line of the economy then live horses.
12. Rewriting the expected performance requirements for all horses.
And, of course, my personal favorite
Promoting the dead horse to a supervisory position!!
BX
Reply #112 Wednesday, December 28, 2005 2:23 PM
Reply #112 Wednesday, December 28, 2005 2:23 PM
Captain's Message
This is Captain Sinclair speaking. On behalf of my crew I'd like to
welcome you aboard British Airways flight 602 from New York to
London. We are currently flying at a height of 35,000 feet midway
across the Atlantic.
"If you look out of the windows on the starboard side of the aircraft,
you will observe that both the starboard engines are on fire.
"If you look out of the windows on the port side, you will observe that
the port wing has fallen off.
"If you look down towards the Atlantic ocean, you will see a little yellow
life raft with three people in it waving at you." "That's me your captain, the co-pilot, and one of the flight attendants."
"This is a recorded message. Have a good flight!"
This is Captain Sinclair speaking. On behalf of my crew I'd like to
welcome you aboard British Airways flight 602 from New York to
London. We are currently flying at a height of 35,000 feet midway
across the Atlantic.
"If you look out of the windows on the starboard side of the aircraft,
you will observe that both the starboard engines are on fire.
"If you look out of the windows on the port side, you will observe that
the port wing has fallen off.
"If you look down towards the Atlantic ocean, you will see a little yellow
life raft with three people in it waving at you." "That's me your captain, the co-pilot, and one of the flight attendants."
"This is a recorded message. Have a good flight!"
Nick Blade
Reply #114 Friday, December 30, 2005 12:00 PM
Reply #114 Friday, December 30, 2005 12:00 PM
I was at an auction once and the auctioneer was telling us about a couple that had just celebrated their 50th anniversary and tolled us a story of the couple, Harold and Martha miller. We sat there for some time listening to the man tell of the couple. His story should be in some kind of museum for being both a classic and having a humorous ending. Read on as I remember the words that is burned into my memory...
It was a wonderful party with lots and lots of grand children and even a few great grand children and lasted late into the night. after all the friends and family had gone their ways Martha turned to Harold and said, "this day will be a wonderful memory for us, don't you think dear?" and Harold replied, “yes, it will be, my sweet bride but, I’m suddenly reminded of another wonderful memory. One of when we first met and it has only gotten better from that time till this very minute!"
This made Martha blush like a school girl and smile at her man. But, soon the smile faded and her face shown a look of wonder as she spoke. "Harold, it's been a wonderful 50 years with you as my life’s partner and we have traveled many a rough road and shared many a hard rain. We have had good times and bad times. We have fought and we have loved, oh Harold, how we have loved!" then Martha grew silent. She looked at the floor and continued with a shaky voice.
"Harold, for the better part of 50 years you have had a private place that I have kept clear of. All these years I have wondered what you have kept in that locked chest in the attic. What secrets have you kept in their? What memories does it hold? Is it full of keepsakes? Childhood’s special toys? What could you have in it, that I have never been shown?" When she looked up at her husband he was staring at the ceiling. Martha knew he was looking at exactly where the chest was. She had seen him look at that place many times with both a smile and a tear. With out moving his stare, Harold spoke. "Sweetheart, our life together has been more than I could ever have dreamed of. I could not have asked for a better wife, lover, nurse or cook. You have been the perfect mother of my children and raised them to be fine men and women while I maintained this farm mostly with my own two hands and three of the best, hardest working boys a man could want. I believe that after the last 50 years of happiness and hardships you have earned the right to know what I have been keeping from you all these years. For if after all we have endured you should know once and for all what I have been keeping in the chest in the attic." After has stopped talking Harold stood and walked toward the attic door with out looking to see if his wife of 50 years was behind him. He knew she was there; he could feel her following him. When they had reached the destination he turned and held out his arms. Martha sank into them with the act turning to a comfortable embrace and a passionate kiss. Harold broke the kiss and turned to move a wooden box about for feet under the light that hung from the ceiling. Climbing up on the box Martha whispered for her husband to be careful. Harold reaches up and retrieved a key from a ledge a board made as it held the light above the area. Harold stepped down and as he sat on the box he motioned for his wife to join him. Martha sat next to her man and smiled a nervous smile. Harold held out the key for Martha to take. The exchange took place in a nervous silence and Martha reached for the lock and Harold broke the silence with a quiet explosion, "Are you sure you want to know what in this chest?" Martha looked at Harold strait in the eyes and moved her head up and down with a bit of reserve as her skilled hands worked the lock with its loud "cla,chick" and it was open for her for the very first time. Martha looked at Harold and he seamed to know what she was thinking as he said, "go a head and see what’s in there." Martha broke their locked stare and looked at the chest as she removed the lock and quietly set it down on the floor, well worn with foot family foot traffic retrieving or replacing holiday decorations. Martha looked across the attic and focused on the highchair she had used with all six of her offspring and wondered why she had never offered it to one of them to use for her grand children. All it needed was a belt to satisfy the laws requirements. Martha pulled the hasp free from its ring of iron that once held the lock. She reached for both corners and lifted the top as her eyes scanned the contents of the darkness that unfolded in front of them. Harold reaches out and helped her by raising a prop arm to hold the lid up. From where Martha sat she could see nothing in the chest. Harold placed his strong, rough and callused hand on her shoulder and motioned for wife to lean in further. Martha leaned in and was kind of relieved at what she saw in the bottom of the chest. Suddenly her mind was racing with thoughts as to why a small stack of cash and two ears of corn could be considered such an asset that they should be locked up in a chest and hidden in the attic. After a few moments Martha spoke, "Harold, What’s so special about this small amount of money and those two ears of corn that they should be locked up?" Martha reached in and retrieved the pile of cash that was neatly stacked. As she lifted the money she saw a few coins lying under it. Slowly in silence she counted the cash and reported the amount out loud, "fourteen hundred and sixty seven dollars." Martha turned to look at her husband, she saw him holding his head in both hands as she continued talking, "surely, you could not be hoping to retire with such a measly sum for I have twice this in the household account, the farm account has more than ten times this and we have a lot more in our savings account and the corn has not even been shucked so I’m sure it has no real seed value. Can you explain what this means please?" Harold never moved. He sat there like frozen electricity as his mind raced with full force yet he remained with out motion. after a long spend of silence, with only the sound of a semi's Jake-brake coming from the distant highway and echoing across the top of a corn field somewhere in the middle does he speak with out looking up. "Well, sweetheart, I have a confession to make... every time I was unfaithful to you the whole time we have been together I placed an ear of corn in this chest." the couple sat in silence as Martha let what she had just learned sink in. after some time pasts and they hear the grandfather clock chime twelve time Martha spoke again. "Well, I had thought you had been out much too late on a couple of occasions and now I find that I was right not once but twice..." Martha said this slowly and softly with a forgiving tone... "We have shared the last fifty years together and, I guess I’m luckier than most women, you told me in honesty about being unfaithful and I didn't have to learn it from a neighbor or friend. Now, can you tell me what the fifteen hundred dollars are for?" Harold felt relieved that his wife had not flipped her lid and beat him to a pulp with such startling revelation. With a new resolve of safety he said, "Sweetheart, thank you for not being upset with my infidelities. as I have said, every time I had cheated on you I placed an ear of corn in this trunk and, that pile of cash your holding, well, every time I got a bushel I sold it!"
It was a wonderful party with lots and lots of grand children and even a few great grand children and lasted late into the night. after all the friends and family had gone their ways Martha turned to Harold and said, "this day will be a wonderful memory for us, don't you think dear?" and Harold replied, “yes, it will be, my sweet bride but, I’m suddenly reminded of another wonderful memory. One of when we first met and it has only gotten better from that time till this very minute!"
This made Martha blush like a school girl and smile at her man. But, soon the smile faded and her face shown a look of wonder as she spoke. "Harold, it's been a wonderful 50 years with you as my life’s partner and we have traveled many a rough road and shared many a hard rain. We have had good times and bad times. We have fought and we have loved, oh Harold, how we have loved!" then Martha grew silent. She looked at the floor and continued with a shaky voice.
"Harold, for the better part of 50 years you have had a private place that I have kept clear of. All these years I have wondered what you have kept in that locked chest in the attic. What secrets have you kept in their? What memories does it hold? Is it full of keepsakes? Childhood’s special toys? What could you have in it, that I have never been shown?" When she looked up at her husband he was staring at the ceiling. Martha knew he was looking at exactly where the chest was. She had seen him look at that place many times with both a smile and a tear. With out moving his stare, Harold spoke. "Sweetheart, our life together has been more than I could ever have dreamed of. I could not have asked for a better wife, lover, nurse or cook. You have been the perfect mother of my children and raised them to be fine men and women while I maintained this farm mostly with my own two hands and three of the best, hardest working boys a man could want. I believe that after the last 50 years of happiness and hardships you have earned the right to know what I have been keeping from you all these years. For if after all we have endured you should know once and for all what I have been keeping in the chest in the attic." After has stopped talking Harold stood and walked toward the attic door with out looking to see if his wife of 50 years was behind him. He knew she was there; he could feel her following him. When they had reached the destination he turned and held out his arms. Martha sank into them with the act turning to a comfortable embrace and a passionate kiss. Harold broke the kiss and turned to move a wooden box about for feet under the light that hung from the ceiling. Climbing up on the box Martha whispered for her husband to be careful. Harold reaches up and retrieved a key from a ledge a board made as it held the light above the area. Harold stepped down and as he sat on the box he motioned for his wife to join him. Martha sat next to her man and smiled a nervous smile. Harold held out the key for Martha to take. The exchange took place in a nervous silence and Martha reached for the lock and Harold broke the silence with a quiet explosion, "Are you sure you want to know what in this chest?" Martha looked at Harold strait in the eyes and moved her head up and down with a bit of reserve as her skilled hands worked the lock with its loud "cla,chick" and it was open for her for the very first time. Martha looked at Harold and he seamed to know what she was thinking as he said, "go a head and see what’s in there." Martha broke their locked stare and looked at the chest as she removed the lock and quietly set it down on the floor, well worn with foot family foot traffic retrieving or replacing holiday decorations. Martha looked across the attic and focused on the highchair she had used with all six of her offspring and wondered why she had never offered it to one of them to use for her grand children. All it needed was a belt to satisfy the laws requirements. Martha pulled the hasp free from its ring of iron that once held the lock. She reached for both corners and lifted the top as her eyes scanned the contents of the darkness that unfolded in front of them. Harold reaches out and helped her by raising a prop arm to hold the lid up. From where Martha sat she could see nothing in the chest. Harold placed his strong, rough and callused hand on her shoulder and motioned for wife to lean in further. Martha leaned in and was kind of relieved at what she saw in the bottom of the chest. Suddenly her mind was racing with thoughts as to why a small stack of cash and two ears of corn could be considered such an asset that they should be locked up in a chest and hidden in the attic. After a few moments Martha spoke, "Harold, What’s so special about this small amount of money and those two ears of corn that they should be locked up?" Martha reached in and retrieved the pile of cash that was neatly stacked. As she lifted the money she saw a few coins lying under it. Slowly in silence she counted the cash and reported the amount out loud, "fourteen hundred and sixty seven dollars." Martha turned to look at her husband, she saw him holding his head in both hands as she continued talking, "surely, you could not be hoping to retire with such a measly sum for I have twice this in the household account, the farm account has more than ten times this and we have a lot more in our savings account and the corn has not even been shucked so I’m sure it has no real seed value. Can you explain what this means please?" Harold never moved. He sat there like frozen electricity as his mind raced with full force yet he remained with out motion. after a long spend of silence, with only the sound of a semi's Jake-brake coming from the distant highway and echoing across the top of a corn field somewhere in the middle does he speak with out looking up. "Well, sweetheart, I have a confession to make... every time I was unfaithful to you the whole time we have been together I placed an ear of corn in this chest." the couple sat in silence as Martha let what she had just learned sink in. after some time pasts and they hear the grandfather clock chime twelve time Martha spoke again. "Well, I had thought you had been out much too late on a couple of occasions and now I find that I was right not once but twice..." Martha said this slowly and softly with a forgiving tone... "We have shared the last fifty years together and, I guess I’m luckier than most women, you told me in honesty about being unfaithful and I didn't have to learn it from a neighbor or friend. Now, can you tell me what the fifteen hundred dollars are for?" Harold felt relieved that his wife had not flipped her lid and beat him to a pulp with such startling revelation. With a new resolve of safety he said, "Sweetheart, thank you for not being upset with my infidelities. as I have said, every time I had cheated on you I placed an ear of corn in this trunk and, that pile of cash your holding, well, every time I got a bushel I sold it!"
PoSmedley
Reply #115 Friday, December 30, 2005 12:34 PM
Reply #115 Friday, December 30, 2005 12:34 PM
A man walks into a pet shop to purchase a dog for his wife. He's on the road so much, he wants her to have protection. The owner of the establishment informs the man that he is out of dogs. "But, I have something in the back that might do the trick." So the man follows him to the backroom.
In the middle of the room, is a cage the size of a breadbox. In it, is a small, blue, shaggy animal, with no identifying features whatsoever. The man can't even tell which is the head or butt. "But it's got 4 legs and a tail." says the owner. "What is it?" the man asks. To which the owner replies.."It's a Rariey!"
The man asks what the hell a Rariey is, and the owner explains 'It's just like a dog, only better!" The man remarks at how small it is. "It's just a babe." says the owner. "He'll grow big enough to scare any intruders away." "What's it eat?" asks the man. "Anything you feed it." says the owner. "It's blue." says the man. "Of course. It's a Rariey! Look, just tell your wife it's a new cross breed from France. That it has poodle in it or something." The man asks 'How much?" After some haggling, they settle on $200, and the man leaves with his new Rariey.
When he gets home, it doesn't take him long to sell his wife on the story of it being a new crossbreed and all that. She loves it. The man leaves for an out of town bussiness trip, leaving his wife at home with her new Rariey.
When the man returns in a week, he is shocked to see the Rariey has quadrupled in size. Pushing close to 70 pounds, he asks his wife what she's been feeding it. "The dry dog food you left. But I had to buy 6 more bags of it while you were gone. He eats a lot." Two days later, the man is called out of town on bussiness again. After two weeks, he returns home.
The Rariey is now almost as tall as the man, and three times as wide. It can barely fit through the doorways of the house, so the man soends a day widening them. The food bill is astronomical and the man returns to the petshop to complain, only to find it has closed and the owner is nowhere to be found.
Yet again, the man is called out of town. When he rerurns in 3 days, the Rariey is the size of a Clydsdale and eating everything in the house, including the carpet. "We can't afford to feed it!" he declares to his wife. "It's destroying the house!! It has to go."
But the man doesn't know where to take it. Who would want such a monsterous eating machine that shows no signs of stopping with it's appetite, or growth? So the man gets an idea. The next day, he goes and rents a flatbed truck to haul the Rariey away with. He waits til after dark, and after having spent all day removing an outside wall of his house just to get it out of the house, he loads the Rariey onto the flatbed. "Where are you taking it?" his wife asks. "I'm getting rid of it before we are living in the street." "But where?" she asks. "Never you mind." and he drives off with the Rarie in tow.
He doesn't have the heart to tell her that he is taking up the mountain on the other side of the county. That he's going to back the truck up to the highest cliff he can find and tip the flatbed back and be done with it.
Six hours later, with the threat of dawn coming, the man finds the perfect cliff. High...and secluded. He backs the flatbed up and parks it. He gets out and walks around to the side of the flatbed and grabs the handle that will tip it back. "So long, ya' freaky blue monster." And just as he is about to pull, he hears a voice.
"What are ya doing?" The man jumps and looks all around and can see no one. "Who said that?"
"I did. I aksed what are you doing?"
It was the Rariey!
"Sweet jumpin'...You can TALK!!!!"
"Of course I can. All Raries can talk. What are you doing?"
The man runs up to the front of the Rariey and tries to look it in the eye, not even sure it has eyes. "look, I don't know what you are or where you came from, but you're eating me out of house and home. You ate my CARPET! Now , if you can tell me it willstop, I'll be glad to take you home."
"I'm afraid it never stops, for us Raries. Thats all we do is eat and grow. You should be grateful we don't crap. Your house would be full of it." laughed the Rariey.
"I tried." said the man. He ran back to the lever to tip the flatbed.
"What are you doing?" asked the Rariey again.
"What I have to." said the man. I made it a point to sneak you out of the house after dark. I drove as far from home as I could, and found the highest cliff I could. I'm gonna throw this lever, watch the bed of this truck tip back...and adios, my friend."
"You ripped out the wall of your house and ran around in the dark, driving for 6 hours or so, just for me? To do this to me?"
"Yeah. I have no choice. What's it to you?" asked the man.
"Nothin'" came the reply. "It's just that...That's a long way to go to tip a Rariey."
In the middle of the room, is a cage the size of a breadbox. In it, is a small, blue, shaggy animal, with no identifying features whatsoever. The man can't even tell which is the head or butt. "But it's got 4 legs and a tail." says the owner. "What is it?" the man asks. To which the owner replies.."It's a Rariey!"
The man asks what the hell a Rariey is, and the owner explains 'It's just like a dog, only better!" The man remarks at how small it is. "It's just a babe." says the owner. "He'll grow big enough to scare any intruders away." "What's it eat?" asks the man. "Anything you feed it." says the owner. "It's blue." says the man. "Of course. It's a Rariey! Look, just tell your wife it's a new cross breed from France. That it has poodle in it or something." The man asks 'How much?" After some haggling, they settle on $200, and the man leaves with his new Rariey.
When he gets home, it doesn't take him long to sell his wife on the story of it being a new crossbreed and all that. She loves it. The man leaves for an out of town bussiness trip, leaving his wife at home with her new Rariey.
When the man returns in a week, he is shocked to see the Rariey has quadrupled in size. Pushing close to 70 pounds, he asks his wife what she's been feeding it. "The dry dog food you left. But I had to buy 6 more bags of it while you were gone. He eats a lot." Two days later, the man is called out of town on bussiness again. After two weeks, he returns home.
The Rariey is now almost as tall as the man, and three times as wide. It can barely fit through the doorways of the house, so the man soends a day widening them. The food bill is astronomical and the man returns to the petshop to complain, only to find it has closed and the owner is nowhere to be found.
Yet again, the man is called out of town. When he rerurns in 3 days, the Rariey is the size of a Clydsdale and eating everything in the house, including the carpet. "We can't afford to feed it!" he declares to his wife. "It's destroying the house!! It has to go."
But the man doesn't know where to take it. Who would want such a monsterous eating machine that shows no signs of stopping with it's appetite, or growth? So the man gets an idea. The next day, he goes and rents a flatbed truck to haul the Rariey away with. He waits til after dark, and after having spent all day removing an outside wall of his house just to get it out of the house, he loads the Rariey onto the flatbed. "Where are you taking it?" his wife asks. "I'm getting rid of it before we are living in the street." "But where?" she asks. "Never you mind." and he drives off with the Rarie in tow.
He doesn't have the heart to tell her that he is taking up the mountain on the other side of the county. That he's going to back the truck up to the highest cliff he can find and tip the flatbed back and be done with it.
Six hours later, with the threat of dawn coming, the man finds the perfect cliff. High...and secluded. He backs the flatbed up and parks it. He gets out and walks around to the side of the flatbed and grabs the handle that will tip it back. "So long, ya' freaky blue monster." And just as he is about to pull, he hears a voice.
"What are ya doing?" The man jumps and looks all around and can see no one. "Who said that?"
"I did. I aksed what are you doing?"
It was the Rariey!
"Sweet jumpin'...You can TALK!!!!"
"Of course I can. All Raries can talk. What are you doing?"
The man runs up to the front of the Rariey and tries to look it in the eye, not even sure it has eyes. "look, I don't know what you are or where you came from, but you're eating me out of house and home. You ate my CARPET! Now , if you can tell me it willstop, I'll be glad to take you home."
"I'm afraid it never stops, for us Raries. Thats all we do is eat and grow. You should be grateful we don't crap. Your house would be full of it." laughed the Rariey.
"I tried." said the man. He ran back to the lever to tip the flatbed.
"What are you doing?" asked the Rariey again.
"What I have to." said the man. I made it a point to sneak you out of the house after dark. I drove as far from home as I could, and found the highest cliff I could. I'm gonna throw this lever, watch the bed of this truck tip back...and adios, my friend."
"You ripped out the wall of your house and ran around in the dark, driving for 6 hours or so, just for me? To do this to me?"
"Yeah. I have no choice. What's it to you?" asked the man.
"Nothin'" came the reply. "It's just that...That's a long way to go to tip a Rariey."
NightTrainthedark
Reply #116 Sunday, January 1, 2006 10:47 AM
Reply #116 Sunday, January 1, 2006 10:47 AM
A major research institution has recently announced the discovery of
the
heaviest element yet known to science. The new element has been named
Governmentium.
Governmentium (Gv) has one neutron, 25 assistant neutrons, 88 deputy
neutrons, and 198 assistant deputy neutrons, giving it an atomic mass
of
312. These 312 particles are held together by forces called morons,
which
are surrounded by vast quantities of lepton-like particles called
peons.
Since Governmentium has no electrons, it is inert. However, it can be
detected, because it impedes every reaction with which it comes into
contact.
A minute amount of Governmentium causes one reaction to take over four
days
to complete, when it would normally take less than a second.
Governmentium
has a normal half-life of 4 years; it does not decay, but instead
undergoes
a reorganization in which a portion of the assistant neutrons and
deputy
neutron exchange places. In fact, Governmentium's mass will actually
increase over time, since each reorganization will cause more morons to
become neutrons, forming isodopes.
This characteristic of moron promotion leads some scientists to believe
that Governmentium is formed whenever morons reach a certain quantity
in
concentration. This hypothetical quantity is referred to as Critical
Morass.
When catalyzed with money, Governmentium becomes Administratium - an
element which radiates just as much energy as Governmentium since it
has
half as many peons, but twice as many morons.
the
heaviest element yet known to science. The new element has been named
Governmentium.
Governmentium (Gv) has one neutron, 25 assistant neutrons, 88 deputy
neutrons, and 198 assistant deputy neutrons, giving it an atomic mass
of
312. These 312 particles are held together by forces called morons,
which
are surrounded by vast quantities of lepton-like particles called
peons.
Since Governmentium has no electrons, it is inert. However, it can be
detected, because it impedes every reaction with which it comes into
contact.
A minute amount of Governmentium causes one reaction to take over four
days
to complete, when it would normally take less than a second.
Governmentium
has a normal half-life of 4 years; it does not decay, but instead
undergoes
a reorganization in which a portion of the assistant neutrons and
deputy
neutron exchange places. In fact, Governmentium's mass will actually
increase over time, since each reorganization will cause more morons to
become neutrons, forming isodopes.
This characteristic of moron promotion leads some scientists to believe
that Governmentium is formed whenever morons reach a certain quantity
in
concentration. This hypothetical quantity is referred to as Critical
Morass.
When catalyzed with money, Governmentium becomes Administratium - an
element which radiates just as much energy as Governmentium since it
has
half as many peons, but twice as many morons.
starkers
Reply #117 Sunday, January 1, 2006 8:48 PM
Reply #117 Sunday, January 1, 2006 8:48 PM
Guy walks into a bar with this huge green frog on his head. The barman was too curious not to ask: 'How come?
The frog answered: "It started out as a wart on my ass"
The frog answered: "It started out as a wart on my ass"
starkers
Reply #118 Saturday, January 7, 2006 11:16 PM
Reply #118 Saturday, January 7, 2006 11:16 PM
The last living relative of General George Armstong Custer, a very rich merchant banker, decides upon a visit to Sydney Australia that he wants to build a branch of his hugely successful enterprise, right beside Sydney Harbour. The 80 floor building takes quite some time to complete, given no expense was spared to have it be the most lavish building in the whole city.
Eventually, when the construction was complete, Mr Custer inspected his brand new domain, and decided that the huge foyer was missing something....it was bare, devoid of anything aestetic, artistic or ornamental. This was not to his liking, so he consulted with the architect, who commissioned an artist to paint a huge mural on the wall facing the entrance doors.
The artist, being a temperamental finicky type of guy, insisted that nobody upon nobody can view the work until it is complete in every detail. Mr Custer agrees to the artists terms and arranged for all security measures to ensure his wishes were 100% complied with. The only detail yet to be decided was the subject material, the desired theme...which was the artists next question.
"Well bein' that I be the only livin' relashun of the late, great General George Armstong Custer, an' I wanna bring some of the true American spirit ta Australier, I'll dang well have a purdy mural of Custer's Last Stand."
It was agreed and the artist set himself to work. Many, many months passed and the work seemed to Mr Custer to be taking far too long, so he queried as to why. Being that the wall was 250 feet long by 45 feet high, with many, many intricate details to consider, and only so many hours in a day, Mr Custer accepted it and moved forwards to build and open other branches elsewhere in the world.
Three years later, MR Custer receives a phone call from the finicky artist to say the mural had been completed, that the bank could now be opened as Mr Custer had planned, with the mural as the centrepiece upon entry. Mr Custer was most pleased, and being a very rich, powerful and influential man, official opening invitations were sent to all manner of dignitaries, kings and queens; princes and princesses; presidents and prime ministers; high profilers from all over the world. It was such an auspicious occasion, with champagne, caviar and all manner of delicacies freely available to all the guests.....the unveiling of this mural masterpiece only moments away.
When the security screens were finally removed and a moment of absoute silence, all that could be heard was the sound of cutlery, crockery and glasses hitting the marble floor, sighs, gasps and 'oh my god's' Women were fainting/passing out everywhere, men rushing from all over to cover the eyes of those who hadn't.....and MR Custer was clearly not amused.
The 250 x 45 foot mural was far from expected, for there were hundreds of fish with halos above their heads.....and indians, lots of indians, male and female.....doing things, lots of things. It was clearly pornographic, to say the least, and Mr Custer was far from impressed, considering he has paid 2.2 million for this mural that depicted things that should only ever be done in the privacy of one's bedroom.
"What in the hell do you call this, it's obscene and a disgrace to humanity, up there for all to see. IF you were a man in my uncle's army, hed've had you court martialed, hung, drawn, quartered and shot for such treason. Now, man, explain yourself, why you would give me such an abomination when I specifically asked fer Custer's Last Stand?"
"Well man, I used some artistic license and tried to put myself there, to feel the atmosphere and try to understand what those guys musta been feelin'."
"Yeah, yeah, but how on earth did you come up with this monstrosity?"
Well Man, if I'd've been poor Geoge at the time, I'd have said: "Holy mackerel, look at all them @#&$%*' indians!!!!!"
Eventually, when the construction was complete, Mr Custer inspected his brand new domain, and decided that the huge foyer was missing something....it was bare, devoid of anything aestetic, artistic or ornamental. This was not to his liking, so he consulted with the architect, who commissioned an artist to paint a huge mural on the wall facing the entrance doors.
The artist, being a temperamental finicky type of guy, insisted that nobody upon nobody can view the work until it is complete in every detail. Mr Custer agrees to the artists terms and arranged for all security measures to ensure his wishes were 100% complied with. The only detail yet to be decided was the subject material, the desired theme...which was the artists next question.
"Well bein' that I be the only livin' relashun of the late, great General George Armstong Custer, an' I wanna bring some of the true American spirit ta Australier, I'll dang well have a purdy mural of Custer's Last Stand."
It was agreed and the artist set himself to work. Many, many months passed and the work seemed to Mr Custer to be taking far too long, so he queried as to why. Being that the wall was 250 feet long by 45 feet high, with many, many intricate details to consider, and only so many hours in a day, Mr Custer accepted it and moved forwards to build and open other branches elsewhere in the world.
Three years later, MR Custer receives a phone call from the finicky artist to say the mural had been completed, that the bank could now be opened as Mr Custer had planned, with the mural as the centrepiece upon entry. Mr Custer was most pleased, and being a very rich, powerful and influential man, official opening invitations were sent to all manner of dignitaries, kings and queens; princes and princesses; presidents and prime ministers; high profilers from all over the world. It was such an auspicious occasion, with champagne, caviar and all manner of delicacies freely available to all the guests.....the unveiling of this mural masterpiece only moments away.
When the security screens were finally removed and a moment of absoute silence, all that could be heard was the sound of cutlery, crockery and glasses hitting the marble floor, sighs, gasps and 'oh my god's' Women were fainting/passing out everywhere, men rushing from all over to cover the eyes of those who hadn't.....and MR Custer was clearly not amused.
The 250 x 45 foot mural was far from expected, for there were hundreds of fish with halos above their heads.....and indians, lots of indians, male and female.....doing things, lots of things. It was clearly pornographic, to say the least, and Mr Custer was far from impressed, considering he has paid 2.2 million for this mural that depicted things that should only ever be done in the privacy of one's bedroom.
"What in the hell do you call this, it's obscene and a disgrace to humanity, up there for all to see. IF you were a man in my uncle's army, hed've had you court martialed, hung, drawn, quartered and shot for such treason. Now, man, explain yourself, why you would give me such an abomination when I specifically asked fer Custer's Last Stand?"
"Well man, I used some artistic license and tried to put myself there, to feel the atmosphere and try to understand what those guys musta been feelin'."
"Yeah, yeah, but how on earth did you come up with this monstrosity?"
Well Man, if I'd've been poor Geoge at the time, I'd have said: "Holy mackerel, look at all them @#&$%*' indians!!!!!"
starkers
Reply #119 Monday, January 9, 2006 8:43 AM
Reply #119 Monday, January 9, 2006 8:43 AM
Guy walks into a bar and sees this other guy with a donkey beside him....and a sign on the bar saying: "Anyone who can make my donkey laugh will get $50"
The guy walks up to the donkey, mutters something, and the donkey burst out in uproarious laughter.
He gets paid his $50, has a beer and leaves.
Anyhow, about a month later, the guy walks into the same bar, the same guy's there with the same donkey...however, the sigh had been changed: "Anyone who can stop my donkey laughing will get $200."
So the guy again walks up to the donkey, spends just a moment, and the donkey is silent for the first time in weeks.
The donkey owner was amazed, not only because this guy actually got the donkey to laugh, but that 1000's had tried unsuccessfully to get it to stop. So what's yer secret?" asked the donkey owner: "You've achieved a bloody miracle here today, given how many others trying and failing."
"Well!" said the visitor: "First time I came in I just whispered in his ear that I bet mine's bigger than his."
"OH, I get it!" says the donkey owner: "So how'd ya get him to stop?"
"I Proved it."
The guy walks up to the donkey, mutters something, and the donkey burst out in uproarious laughter.
He gets paid his $50, has a beer and leaves.
Anyhow, about a month later, the guy walks into the same bar, the same guy's there with the same donkey...however, the sigh had been changed: "Anyone who can stop my donkey laughing will get $200."
So the guy again walks up to the donkey, spends just a moment, and the donkey is silent for the first time in weeks.
The donkey owner was amazed, not only because this guy actually got the donkey to laugh, but that 1000's had tried unsuccessfully to get it to stop. So what's yer secret?" asked the donkey owner: "You've achieved a bloody miracle here today, given how many others trying and failing."
"Well!" said the visitor: "First time I came in I just whispered in his ear that I bet mine's bigger than his."
"OH, I get it!" says the donkey owner: "So how'd ya get him to stop?"
"I Proved it."
starkers
Reply #120 Monday, January 9, 2006 9:01 AM
Reply #120 Monday, January 9, 2006 9:01 AM
A doting father was particularly proud of his beautiful daughter,but for one embarrassing fact....she was prone to use unladylike terminologies and tended to embarass him at the worst of times with some of her vocal displays.
r
One day, while shopping at the supermarket, she bleated rather loudly that she was bustin' fer a piss.
The rather embarrassed father knelt beside his daughter and explained the virtues of being discreet regarding such matters, saying: "In future, if you really need to twinkle, just tug on my sleeve and say 'daddy, I need to whisper', and I'll quietly take you to the restroom."
A few days has passed when the father was partly awoken by a tugging on his pyjama jacket, and the words: "Daddy, daddy, I need to whisper."
Still 3 parts asleep, dad says: "That's alright, dear, you can whisper in my ear."
r
One day, while shopping at the supermarket, she bleated rather loudly that she was bustin' fer a piss.
The rather embarrassed father knelt beside his daughter and explained the virtues of being discreet regarding such matters, saying: "In future, if you really need to twinkle, just tug on my sleeve and say 'daddy, I need to whisper', and I'll quietly take you to the restroom."
A few days has passed when the father was partly awoken by a tugging on his pyjama jacket, and the words: "Daddy, daddy, I need to whisper."
Still 3 parts asleep, dad says: "That's alright, dear, you can whisper in my ear."
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Reply #101 Thursday, December 8, 2005 7:37 PM
WOW, can this baby move!! From a standing start to 100mph in just 8.6 seconds. Now it's time to test its top end, its maximum mph on the straightest smoothest piece of road, and he's just found around 45 miles of it.
On the first run, and 'only' doing 120mph, he spots this cyclist on one of those Olympic type racing bikes and decides to give him a bit of a scare by swerving in a bit while passing. And that he did....almost blowing him off the road and into the irrigation ditch along side it.
Moments later, however, the cylist zooms past the Maserati owner and sticks up his middle finger.
"WHAT THE?" he thinks...."I've just paid $1.2 mil for this baby, and some guy on a $200 pushbike passes me? Now we can't have that, can we!"
By now he's doing 140 mph, and in the blink of an eye he passes the cylist again, this time sticking up his middle finger for good measure. Almost instantly the cylist passes him and sticks his finger up, so he takes it up to 180 mph and passes the cyclist again.
Within a moment the cylist is passing him again, this time with both hands firmly gripping the handlebars and the speed pulling his bottom behind him. The Maserati driver is furious and takes it out to 220 mph, and yet again the cylist passes him, so he floors it to 280 mph, passes the cylist yet again before pulling over to speak with him.
Motorist: "WoW, man, I've just spent over a mill on this car to reach these speeds, and there's you, passing me on a piddling $200 bike at 280 plus mph, how in the hell d'ya do it?"
Cylist: "Geez you're an asshole, scaring the crap out of me like that....but what a buzz, never been that fast before...."
Motorist: "You mean you've never been that fast before, so how come you could manage it now?"
Cylist: "Well man, the first time you passed, my braces got caught in yer door handle."