Jokes
Make us to laugh ... !!!
Monday, August 30, 2004 by BX | Discussion: WinCustomize Talk
A floks....
Don't you have a great joke to share with us....if yes then why to wait...we are here and you too.....
Don't you have a great joke to share with us....if yes then why to wait...we are here and you too.....
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Lady Aarielle
Reply #62 Friday, December 31, 2004 4:27 PM
Reply #62 Friday, December 31, 2004 4:27 PM
The Affair
A wealthy man was having an affair with an Italian woman for several
years. One night, during one of their rendezvous, she confided in him that
she was pregnant. Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage, he
paid her a large sum of money if she would go to Italy to secretly
have the child. If she stayed in Italy to raise the child, he would
also provide child support until the
child turned 18. She agreed, but asked how he would know when the baby was
born. To keep it discrete, he told her to simply mail him a post card, and
write "Spaghetti" on the back. He would then arrange for child support
payments to begin. One day, about 9 months later, he came home to his
confused
Wife...
"Honey," she said, "you received a very strange post card today."
"Oh, just give it to me and I'll explain it " he said. The wife
obeyed, and watched as her husband read the card, turned white, and
fainted. On the card was written: "Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti.
Two with meatballs, one without."
A wealthy man was having an affair with an Italian woman for several
years. One night, during one of their rendezvous, she confided in him that
she was pregnant. Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage, he
paid her a large sum of money if she would go to Italy to secretly
have the child. If she stayed in Italy to raise the child, he would
also provide child support until the
child turned 18. She agreed, but asked how he would know when the baby was
born. To keep it discrete, he told her to simply mail him a post card, and
write "Spaghetti" on the back. He would then arrange for child support
payments to begin. One day, about 9 months later, he came home to his
confused
Wife...
"Honey," she said, "you received a very strange post card today."
"Oh, just give it to me and I'll explain it " he said. The wife
obeyed, and watched as her husband read the card, turned white, and
fainted. On the card was written: "Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti.
Two with meatballs, one without."
BX
Reply #63 Sunday, January 16, 2005 1:11 AM
Reply #63 Sunday, January 16, 2005 1:11 AM
Company Policies
Let demonstrate it by a monkey story:
Put eight monkeys in a room. In the middle of the room is a ladder, leading to a bunch of bananas hanging from a hook on the ceiling. Each time a monkey tries to climb the ladder, all the other monkeys are sprayed with ice water, which makes them miserable.
Soon enough, whenever a monkey attempts to climb the ladder, all of the other monkeys, not wanting to be sprayed, set upon him and beat him up. Soon, none of the eight monkeys ever attempts to climb the ladder.
One of the original monkeys is then removed, and a new monkey is put in the room. Seeing the bananas and the ladder, he wonders why none of the other monkeys are doing the obvious, but, undaunted, he immediately begins to climb the ladder. All the other monkeys fall upon him and beat him silly. He has no idea why. However, he no longer attempts to climb the ladder.
A second original monkey is removed and replaced. The newcomer again attempts to climb the ladder, but all the other monkeys hammer the crap out of him. This includes the previous new monkey, who, grateful that he's not on the receiving end this time, participates in the beating because all the other monkeys are doing it. However, he has no idea why he's attacking the new monkey.
One by one, all the original monkeys are replaced. Eight new monkeys are now in the room. None of them have ever been sprayed by ice water. None of them attempt to climb the ladder. All of them will enthusiastically beat up any new monkey who tries, without having any idea why.
"AND THAT'S HOW MANY COMPANY'S POLICIES GET ESTABLISHED".
Let demonstrate it by a monkey story:
Put eight monkeys in a room. In the middle of the room is a ladder, leading to a bunch of bananas hanging from a hook on the ceiling. Each time a monkey tries to climb the ladder, all the other monkeys are sprayed with ice water, which makes them miserable.
Soon enough, whenever a monkey attempts to climb the ladder, all of the other monkeys, not wanting to be sprayed, set upon him and beat him up. Soon, none of the eight monkeys ever attempts to climb the ladder.
One of the original monkeys is then removed, and a new monkey is put in the room. Seeing the bananas and the ladder, he wonders why none of the other monkeys are doing the obvious, but, undaunted, he immediately begins to climb the ladder. All the other monkeys fall upon him and beat him silly. He has no idea why. However, he no longer attempts to climb the ladder.
A second original monkey is removed and replaced. The newcomer again attempts to climb the ladder, but all the other monkeys hammer the crap out of him. This includes the previous new monkey, who, grateful that he's not on the receiving end this time, participates in the beating because all the other monkeys are doing it. However, he has no idea why he's attacking the new monkey.
One by one, all the original monkeys are replaced. Eight new monkeys are now in the room. None of them have ever been sprayed by ice water. None of them attempt to climb the ladder. All of them will enthusiastically beat up any new monkey who tries, without having any idea why.
"AND THAT'S HOW MANY COMPANY'S POLICIES GET ESTABLISHED".
BX
Reply #64 Friday, January 21, 2005 9:48 AM
Reply #64 Friday, January 21, 2005 9:48 AM
A blonde had just totalled her car in a horrific accident.
Miraculously, she managed to pry herself from the wreckage without a scratch and was applying fresh lipstick when the state trooper arrived.
"My God!" the trooper gasped. "Your car looks like an accordion that was stomped on by an elephant. Are you okay, ma'am?"
"Yes, officer, I'm just fine" the blonde chirped."
"Well, how in the world did this happen?" the officer asked as he surveyed the wrecked car.
"Officer, it was the strangest thing!" the blonde began. "I was driving along this road when from out of nowhere this TREE pops up in front of me. So I swerved to the right, and there was another tree! I swerved to the left and there was ANOTHER tree! I swerved to the right and there was another tree! I swerved to the left and there was ...."
"Uh, ma'am", the officer said, cutting her off, "There isn't a tree on this road for 30 miles. That was your air freshener swinging back and forth."
Miraculously, she managed to pry herself from the wreckage without a scratch and was applying fresh lipstick when the state trooper arrived.
"My God!" the trooper gasped. "Your car looks like an accordion that was stomped on by an elephant. Are you okay, ma'am?"
"Yes, officer, I'm just fine" the blonde chirped."
"Well, how in the world did this happen?" the officer asked as he surveyed the wrecked car.
"Officer, it was the strangest thing!" the blonde began. "I was driving along this road when from out of nowhere this TREE pops up in front of me. So I swerved to the right, and there was another tree! I swerved to the left and there was ANOTHER tree! I swerved to the right and there was another tree! I swerved to the left and there was ...."
"Uh, ma'am", the officer said, cutting her off, "There isn't a tree on this road for 30 miles. That was your air freshener swinging back and forth."
_02
Reply #65 Friday, January 21, 2005 10:24 AM
Reply #65 Friday, January 21, 2005 10:24 AM
Best quote of '04:
Tim Allen on Martha Stewart:
"Boy, I feel safer now that Martha Stewart is behind bars. O.J. & Kobe
are walking around; Osama Bin Laden is still out there, and they take
the one woman in America willing to cook, clean and work in the yard and haul
her off to jail."
Top Headlines of 2004
[ACTUAL]
HEADLINES OF 2004:
Crack Found on Governor's Daughter
[imagine that!]
Something Went Wrong
in Jet Crash, Expert Says
[no, really?]
Police Begin Campaign
to Run Down Jaywalkers
[now that's taking things a bit far!]
Is There a Ring of Debris
around Uranus?
[not if I wipe thoroughly!]
Panda Mating Fails;
Veterinarian Takes Over
[what a guy!]
Miners Refuse
to Work
after Death
[no-good-for-nothin' lazy so-and-sos!]
Juvenile Court to
Try Shooting Defendant
[see if that works any better than a fair trial!]
War Dims Hope
for Peace
[I can see where it might have that effect!]
If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly,
It May Last Awhile
[you think?!]
Cold Wave Linked
to Temperatures
[who would have thought!]
Enfield (London) Couple
Slain; Police
Suspect Homicide
[they may be on to something!]
Red Tape Holds
Up New Bridges
[you mean there's something stronger than duct tape?!]
Man Struck By Lightning
Faces Battery Charge
[he probably IS the battery charge!]
New Study of Obesity
Looks for Larger
Test Group
[weren't they fat enough?!]
Astronaut Takes
Blame for Gas
in Spacecraft
[That what he gets for eating those beans!]
Kids Make
Nutritious
Snacks
[Taste like chicken!]
Chef Throws His Heart
into Helping Feed Needy
[That was really giving of himself!]
Local High School
Dropouts Cut in Half
[Chainsaw Massacre all over again!]
Hospitals are Sued
by 7 Foot Doctors
[Boy, are they tall!]
And the winner is....
Typhoon Rips Through
Cemetery; Hundreds Dead
nuff said
Tim Allen on Martha Stewart:
"Boy, I feel safer now that Martha Stewart is behind bars. O.J. & Kobe
are walking around; Osama Bin Laden is still out there, and they take
the one woman in America willing to cook, clean and work in the yard and haul
her off to jail."
Top Headlines of 2004
[ACTUAL]
HEADLINES OF 2004:
Crack Found on Governor's Daughter
[imagine that!]
Something Went Wrong
in Jet Crash, Expert Says
[no, really?]
Police Begin Campaign
to Run Down Jaywalkers
[now that's taking things a bit far!]
Is There a Ring of Debris
around Uranus?
[not if I wipe thoroughly!]
Panda Mating Fails;
Veterinarian Takes Over
[what a guy!]
Miners Refuse
to Work
after Death
[no-good-for-nothin' lazy so-and-sos!]
Juvenile Court to
Try Shooting Defendant
[see if that works any better than a fair trial!]
War Dims Hope
for Peace
[I can see where it might have that effect!]
If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly,
It May Last Awhile
[you think?!]
Cold Wave Linked
to Temperatures
[who would have thought!]
Enfield (London) Couple
Slain; Police
Suspect Homicide
[they may be on to something!]
Red Tape Holds
Up New Bridges
[you mean there's something stronger than duct tape?!]
Man Struck By Lightning
Faces Battery Charge
[he probably IS the battery charge!]
New Study of Obesity
Looks for Larger
Test Group
[weren't they fat enough?!]
Astronaut Takes
Blame for Gas
in Spacecraft
[That what he gets for eating those beans!]
Kids Make
Nutritious
Snacks
[Taste like chicken!]
Chef Throws His Heart
into Helping Feed Needy
[That was really giving of himself!]
Local High School
Dropouts Cut in Half
[Chainsaw Massacre all over again!]
Hospitals are Sued
by 7 Foot Doctors
[Boy, are they tall!]
And the winner is....
Typhoon Rips Through
Cemetery; Hundreds Dead
nuff said
BX
Reply #66 Wednesday, February 2, 2005 10:41 PM
Reply #66 Wednesday, February 2, 2005 10:41 PM
Hope this one will not make any one angry
Billy Bob's pregnant Sister had a car accident and went into a deep coma for nearly six months, she wakes up and sees that she is no longer pregnant. Frantically, she asks the doctor about her baby.
The doctor replies, "Ma'am, you had twins! A boy and a girl. The babies are fine. Your brother came in and named them."
The woman thinks to herself, 'Oh no, not my brother...he's an idiot.
Expecting the worst, she asks the doctor, "Well, what's the girl's name?"
"Denise," says the doctor.
The new mother says, "Wow, that's a beautiful name! I guess I was wrong about my brother. " I like Denise."
When she asks the doctor, "What's the boy's name?"
"Denephew.
Billy Bob's pregnant Sister had a car accident and went into a deep coma for nearly six months, she wakes up and sees that she is no longer pregnant. Frantically, she asks the doctor about her baby.
The doctor replies, "Ma'am, you had twins! A boy and a girl. The babies are fine. Your brother came in and named them."
The woman thinks to herself, 'Oh no, not my brother...he's an idiot.
Expecting the worst, she asks the doctor, "Well, what's the girl's name?"
"Denise," says the doctor.
The new mother says, "Wow, that's a beautiful name! I guess I was wrong about my brother. " I like Denise."
When she asks the doctor, "What's the boy's name?"
"Denephew.
tri1ogy
Reply #67 Wednesday, February 2, 2005 11:14 PM
Reply #67 Wednesday, February 2, 2005 11:14 PM
A man gets home, screeches his car into the driveway, runs into the house, slams the door and shouts at the top of his lungs, “Honey, pack your bags! I just won the lottery!”
The wife says,“Ohmigod! Seriously?! What should I pack, beach stuff or mountain stuff?”
The husband yells back,“It doesn’t matter…just get the hell out!”
(edited for content)
The wife says,“Ohmigod! Seriously?! What should I pack, beach stuff or mountain stuff?”
The husband yells back,“It doesn’t matter…just get the hell out!”
(edited for content)
BX
Reply #68 Thursday, May 26, 2005 7:28 AM
Reply #68 Thursday, May 26, 2005 7:28 AM
Be sure and cancel your credit cards before you die, just in case.
This is so priceless, and so easy to see happening.
A lady died this past January, and Citibank billed her for February and March for their annual service charges on her credit card, and then added late fees and interest on the monthly charge. The balance had been $0.00 now is somewhere around $60.00
-----
A family member placed a call to Citibank:
Family Member: "I am calling to tell you that she died in January."
Citibank: "The account was never closed and the late fees and charges still apply."
Family Member: "Maybe, you should turn it over to collections."
Citibank: "Since it is two months past due, it already has been."
Family Member: So, what will they do when they find out she is dead?"
Citibank: "Either report her account to the frauds division or report her to the credit bureau, maybe both!"
Family Member: "Do you think God will be mad at her?"
Citibank: "Excuse me?"
Family Member: "Did you just get what I was telling you . . . the part about her being dead?"
Citibank: "Sir, you'll have to speak to my supervisor."
Supervisor gets on the phone:
Family Member: "I'm calling to tell you, she died in January."
Citibank: "The account was never closed and the late fees and charges still apply."
Family Member: "You mean you want to collect from her estate?"
Citibank: (Stammer) "Are you her lawyer?"
Family Member: "No, I'm her great nephew." (Lawyer info given)
Citibank: "Could you fax us a certificate of death?"
Family Member: "Sure." (fax number is given)
After they get the fax:
Citibank: "Our system just isn't setup for death. I don't know what more I can do to help."
Family Member: "Well, if you figure it out, great! If not, you could just keep billing her. I don't think she will care."
Citibank: "Well, the late fees and charges do still apply."
Family Member: "Would you like her new billing address?"
Citibank: "That might help."
Family Member: " Odessa Memorial Cemetery, Highway 129, Plot Number 69."
Citibank: "Sir, that's a cemetery!"
Family Member: "What do you do with dead people on your planet?"
This is so priceless, and so easy to see happening.
A lady died this past January, and Citibank billed her for February and March for their annual service charges on her credit card, and then added late fees and interest on the monthly charge. The balance had been $0.00 now is somewhere around $60.00
-----
A family member placed a call to Citibank:
Family Member: "I am calling to tell you that she died in January."
Citibank: "The account was never closed and the late fees and charges still apply."
Family Member: "Maybe, you should turn it over to collections."
Citibank: "Since it is two months past due, it already has been."
Family Member: So, what will they do when they find out she is dead?"
Citibank: "Either report her account to the frauds division or report her to the credit bureau, maybe both!"
Family Member: "Do you think God will be mad at her?"
Citibank: "Excuse me?"
Family Member: "Did you just get what I was telling you . . . the part about her being dead?"
Citibank: "Sir, you'll have to speak to my supervisor."
Supervisor gets on the phone:
Family Member: "I'm calling to tell you, she died in January."
Citibank: "The account was never closed and the late fees and charges still apply."
Family Member: "You mean you want to collect from her estate?"
Citibank: (Stammer) "Are you her lawyer?"
Family Member: "No, I'm her great nephew." (Lawyer info given)
Citibank: "Could you fax us a certificate of death?"
Family Member: "Sure." (fax number is given)
After they get the fax:
Citibank: "Our system just isn't setup for death. I don't know what more I can do to help."
Family Member: "Well, if you figure it out, great! If not, you could just keep billing her. I don't think she will care."
Citibank: "Well, the late fees and charges do still apply."
Family Member: "Would you like her new billing address?"
Citibank: "That might help."
Family Member: " Odessa Memorial Cemetery, Highway 129, Plot Number 69."
Citibank: "Sir, that's a cemetery!"
Family Member: "What do you do with dead people on your planet?"
cyber villan
Reply #70 Thursday, May 26, 2005 11:19 AM
Reply #70 Thursday, May 26, 2005 11:19 AM
I got one, heh. Why do gophers like golf courses so much?
You see, it's because they don't understand the letters L and F, so they just substitute with P and H, and think it's for gophers instead.
You see, it's because they don't understand the letters L and F, so they just substitute with P and H, and think it's for gophers instead.
Bichur
Reply #71 Thursday, May 26, 2005 1:46 PM
Reply #71 Thursday, May 26, 2005 1:46 PM
WOMEN ARE EVIL
A woman went up to the bar in a quiet rural pub.
She gestured alluringly to the bartender who approached her immediately.
She seductively signaled that he should bring his face closer to hers.
As he did, she gently caressed his full beard. "Are you the manager?" sheasked, softly stroking his face with both hands.
Actually, no," he replied.
Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him," she said, running her hands beyond his beard and into his hair.
I'm afraid I can't," breathed the bartender. "Is there anything I can do?
Yes. I need for you to give him a message," she continued, running her forefinger across the bartender's lips and slyly popping a couple of her fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently.
What should I tell him?" the bartender managed to say.
Tell him," she whispered, "there's no toilet paper, hand soap, or paper towels in the ladies room."
A woman went up to the bar in a quiet rural pub.
She gestured alluringly to the bartender who approached her immediately.
She seductively signaled that he should bring his face closer to hers.
As he did, she gently caressed his full beard. "Are you the manager?" sheasked, softly stroking his face with both hands.
Actually, no," he replied.
Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him," she said, running her hands beyond his beard and into his hair.
I'm afraid I can't," breathed the bartender. "Is there anything I can do?
Yes. I need for you to give him a message," she continued, running her forefinger across the bartender's lips and slyly popping a couple of her fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently.
What should I tell him?" the bartender managed to say.
Tell him," she whispered, "there's no toilet paper, hand soap, or paper towels in the ladies room."
Dreamdesign3d
Reply #72 Saturday, May 28, 2005 1:07 PM
Reply #72 Saturday, May 28, 2005 1:07 PM
What’s behind door number 3
There once was a man, (who we will call bob) who died, now bob lived a really, really bad life of cheating, stealing, cursing, gamboling, and every thing else you can think of. Bob went straight to hell. Upon arrival to hell he was met with open arms by the devil. Bob, said the devil, welcome to hell. Bob I know what your thinking, said the devil, where’s all the fire and brimstone you’ve always heard about? Well bob I’m not really all that bad, I even give you the option to choose between one of 3 rooms to spend your eternity. The devil opens the first door and in that room people are hanging upside down with bars thru their ankles and chains. Bob says no, no that’s not for me. Ok bob says the devil have a look behind door number two, and the devil opens up the door and bob peaks in and sees people getting the crap beaten out of them by demons. Oh no said bob no that’s not the room for me. Bob says lets see what is behind door number three. Ok said the devil, and he opens the door and bob peaks in to see every one in the room standing in poo up to their necks drinking coffee. Now bob thinks to himself well its not all bad, I mean at least you get to drink coffee. So bob of course picked door number three. Bob walks in, and for the next 5 minuets bob is thinking this won’t be so bad, I can do this. Just then the devil walks in and says ok break time is up every one stand on your head.
There once was a man, (who we will call bob) who died, now bob lived a really, really bad life of cheating, stealing, cursing, gamboling, and every thing else you can think of. Bob went straight to hell. Upon arrival to hell he was met with open arms by the devil. Bob, said the devil, welcome to hell. Bob I know what your thinking, said the devil, where’s all the fire and brimstone you’ve always heard about? Well bob I’m not really all that bad, I even give you the option to choose between one of 3 rooms to spend your eternity. The devil opens the first door and in that room people are hanging upside down with bars thru their ankles and chains. Bob says no, no that’s not for me. Ok bob says the devil have a look behind door number two, and the devil opens up the door and bob peaks in and sees people getting the crap beaten out of them by demons. Oh no said bob no that’s not the room for me. Bob says lets see what is behind door number three. Ok said the devil, and he opens the door and bob peaks in to see every one in the room standing in poo up to their necks drinking coffee. Now bob thinks to himself well its not all bad, I mean at least you get to drink coffee. So bob of course picked door number three. Bob walks in, and for the next 5 minuets bob is thinking this won’t be so bad, I can do this. Just then the devil walks in and says ok break time is up every one stand on your head.
BX
Reply #73 Sunday, December 4, 2005 1:00 AM
Reply #73 Sunday, December 4, 2005 1:00 AM
LIKE MOTHER, LIKE DAUGHTER
While being interviewed, an actress was asked whether she intended to get married in the near future.
The lady replied, 'Never, I will follow in the footsteps of my mother. Like her, I will remain single.'
While being interviewed, an actress was asked whether she intended to get married in the near future.
The lady replied, 'Never, I will follow in the footsteps of my mother. Like her, I will remain single.'
BX
Reply #74 Sunday, December 4, 2005 1:17 AM
Reply #74 Sunday, December 4, 2005 1:17 AM
Some inventions by Blondes
The water-proof towel:
You'll never need to wash it again.
Glow in the dark sunglasses:
In case of a solar eclipse.
Solar powered flashlights:
In case of a lunar eclipse.
Submarine screen doors:
What else do you think keeps submarines bug-free?
A book on how to read:
In case you know how to read.
Inflatable dart boards:
For all your spitting contests.
A dictionary index:
To accompany your dictionary pinky.
Powdered water:
Amazingly light to carry around in the desert, just mix it with some local wet water and Tadaa!
Pedal powered wheel chairs:
For people who are paralyzed from the waist up.
Water proof tea bags:
To use with powdered water only.
Zero proof alcohol:
In case your alibi was too drunk to testify.
Reusable ice cubes:
You'll love this if you're an Eskimo.
Do it yourself road map:
Because only you know where you're going and where you've been.
Helicopter ejector seat:
You won't even need a parachute!
The water-proof towel:
You'll never need to wash it again.
Glow in the dark sunglasses:
In case of a solar eclipse.
Solar powered flashlights:
In case of a lunar eclipse.
Submarine screen doors:
What else do you think keeps submarines bug-free?
A book on how to read:
In case you know how to read.
Inflatable dart boards:
For all your spitting contests.
A dictionary index:
To accompany your dictionary pinky.
Powdered water:
Amazingly light to carry around in the desert, just mix it with some local wet water and Tadaa!
Pedal powered wheel chairs:
For people who are paralyzed from the waist up.
Water proof tea bags:
To use with powdered water only.
Zero proof alcohol:
In case your alibi was too drunk to testify.
Reusable ice cubes:
You'll love this if you're an Eskimo.
Do it yourself road map:
Because only you know where you're going and where you've been.
Helicopter ejector seat:
You won't even need a parachute!
Patriots
Reply #75 Sunday, December 4, 2005 2:40 AM
Reply #75 Sunday, December 4, 2005 2:40 AM
Okay, I'm a woman so I can tell this joke freely
Women who are well endowed work at "Hooters"
Q: Where do women who have one leg work?
::::::::::Scroll Down::::::::::
A: "I-Hop"
Women who are well endowed work at "Hooters"
Q: Where do women who have one leg work?
::::::::::Scroll Down::::::::::
A: "I-Hop"
starkers
Reply #76 Sunday, December 4, 2005 3:05 AM
Reply #76 Sunday, December 4, 2005 3:05 AM
An elderly lady was pulled over for doing 90 in a 35 zone by a new female recruit.
Recruit: "Maam, please may I see your license and registration?"
Old lady: "Don't have either!"
Recruit: "Why not?"
Old lady: "It's not my car."
Recruit: "Oh Yeah, how come you're driving it then?"
Old lady: "Stole it, cut up the owner and stuffed him in the trunk."
The recruit is stunned by this information on her first day on the job, calls for backup and explains the situation to her captain, who arrives quickly at the scene.
Captain: "May I see your license, maam?"
Old Lady: "Certainly officer."
Captain: "Okay maam! Now my officer says that you have a body in the trunk, would you please pop it for me?"
Old lady: "Certainly, officer!"
Captain: "Why there's nothing in there!!!!!"
Old lady: "Next thing she'll be telling you I was speeding."
Recruit: "Maam, please may I see your license and registration?"
Old lady: "Don't have either!"
Recruit: "Why not?"
Old lady: "It's not my car."
Recruit: "Oh Yeah, how come you're driving it then?"
Old lady: "Stole it, cut up the owner and stuffed him in the trunk."
The recruit is stunned by this information on her first day on the job, calls for backup and explains the situation to her captain, who arrives quickly at the scene.
Captain: "May I see your license, maam?"
Old Lady: "Certainly officer."
Captain: "Okay maam! Now my officer says that you have a body in the trunk, would you please pop it for me?"
Old lady: "Certainly, officer!"
Captain: "Why there's nothing in there!!!!!"
Old lady: "Next thing she'll be telling you I was speeding."
starkers
Reply #78 Monday, December 5, 2005 2:47 AM
No they're not...they've just got a different way of doing things...it's just that us menfolk don't grasp it....
Reply #78 Monday, December 5, 2005 2:47 AM
| WOMEN ARE EVIL |
No they're not...they've just got a different way of doing things...it's just that us menfolk don't grasp it....
Bichur
Reply #79 Monday, December 5, 2005 3:20 AM
Reply #79 Monday, December 5, 2005 3:20 AM
It was opening night at the Orpheum and the Amazing Eileen was topping the bill. People came from miles around to see the famed hypnotist do her stuff. As the Amazing Eileen took to the stage, she announced, "Unlike most stage hypnotists who invite two or three people up onto the stage to be put into a trance, I intend to hypnotize each and every member of the audience."
The excitement was almost electric as the Amazing Eileen withdrew a beautiful antique pocket watch from her coat. "I want you each to keep your eye on this antique watch. It's a very special watch. Its been in my family for six generations."
She began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting, "Watch the watch, watch the watch, watch the watch....
" The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth, light
gleaming off its polished surface. Hundreds of pairs of eyes followed the swaying watch, until suddenly it slipped from the hypnotist's fingers and fell to the floor, breaking into a hundred pieces.
"Shit!" said the hypnotist.
It took three weeks to clean up the theatre.
The excitement was almost electric as the Amazing Eileen withdrew a beautiful antique pocket watch from her coat. "I want you each to keep your eye on this antique watch. It's a very special watch. Its been in my family for six generations."
She began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting, "Watch the watch, watch the watch, watch the watch....
" The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth, light
gleaming off its polished surface. Hundreds of pairs of eyes followed the swaying watch, until suddenly it slipped from the hypnotist's fingers and fell to the floor, breaking into a hundred pieces.
"Shit!" said the hypnotist.
It took three weeks to clean up the theatre.
starkers
Reply #80 Monday, December 5, 2005 3:48 AM
Just as well she didn't use another commonly used expletive
Reply #80 Monday, December 5, 2005 3:48 AM
It took three weeks to clean up the theatre. |
Just as well she didn't use another commonly used expletive
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Reply #61 Friday, December 31, 2004 4:23 PM