Jokes
Make us to laugh ... !!!
Monday, August 30, 2004 by BX | Discussion: WinCustomize Talk
A floks....
Don't you have a great joke to share with us....if yes then why to wait...we are here and you too.....
Don't you have a great joke to share with us....if yes then why to wait...we are here and you too.....
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MadPyro
Reply #43 Monday, September 13, 2004 9:50 AM
Reply #43 Monday, September 13, 2004 9:50 AM
heheheh i got one:::
the boy who asked a little and found out alot
a little boy sits down by his dad and asks
"dad, where did i come from?"
the dad looks at his 6 year old boy and says
"i gues youre old enough to know the truth"
so the dad, during the next hour explains to the son about the reproductive cycle...
after he is finished, the boy looks at him and says:
"Boy! jimmy said hes from kansas! wait till i tell him where im from!"
the boy who asked a little and found out alot
a little boy sits down by his dad and asks
"dad, where did i come from?"
the dad looks at his 6 year old boy and says
"i gues youre old enough to know the truth"
so the dad, during the next hour explains to the son about the reproductive cycle...
after he is finished, the boy looks at him and says:
"Boy! jimmy said hes from kansas! wait till i tell him where im from!"
Chris TH
Reply #45 Thursday, September 16, 2004 7:26 PM
Reply #45 Thursday, September 16, 2004 7:26 PM
System Design
http://www.uoregon.edu/~ftepfer/SchlFacilities/TireSwingTable.html
http://www.uoregon.edu/~ftepfer/SchlFacilities/TireSwingTable.html
BX
Reply #46 Friday, October 29, 2004 8:03 AM
Reply #46 Friday, October 29, 2004 8:03 AM
Conditioner
A customer was continually bothering the waiter in a restaurant. First, he asked that the air conditioning be turned up because he was too cold, then he asked that it be turned down because he was too hot, and so it went for about a half an hour.
Surprisingly, the waiter was very patient. He walked back and forth and never once got angry. Finally, a second customer asked the waiter why he didn't throw out the pest.
"Oh, I don't care," said the waiter with a smile. "We don't even have an air conditioner."
A customer was continually bothering the waiter in a restaurant. First, he asked that the air conditioning be turned up because he was too cold, then he asked that it be turned down because he was too hot, and so it went for about a half an hour.
Surprisingly, the waiter was very patient. He walked back and forth and never once got angry. Finally, a second customer asked the waiter why he didn't throw out the pest.
"Oh, I don't care," said the waiter with a smile. "We don't even have an air conditioner."
BX
Reply #47 Wednesday, December 29, 2004 10:40 AM
Reply #47 Wednesday, December 29, 2004 10:40 AM
Smuggler
uan comes up to the Mexican border on his bicycle. He's got two large
bags over his shoulders. The guard stops him and says, "What's in the
bags?"
"Sand," answers Juan.
The guard says, "We'll just see about that ~ get off the bike." The guard
takes the bags and rips them apart; he empties them out and finds nothing
in them but sand. He detains Juan overnight and has the sand analyzed,
only to discover that there is nothing but pure sand in the bags.
The guard releases Juan, puts the sand into new bags, hefts them onto the
man's shoulders, and lets him cross the border.
A week later, the same thing happens. The guard asks, "What have you got?"
"Sand," says Juan.
The guard does his thorough examination and discovers that the bags
contain nothing but sand. He gives the sand back to Juan, who crosses the
border on his bicycle.
This sequence of events if repeated every week for three years. Finally,
Juan doesn't show up one day and the guard meets him in a cantina in
Mexico.
"Hey, Buddy," says the guard, "I know you are smuggling something. It's
driving me crazy. It's all I think about. I can't sleep. Just between you
and me, what are you smuggling?"
Juan sips his beer and says, "Bicycles."
uan comes up to the Mexican border on his bicycle. He's got two large
bags over his shoulders. The guard stops him and says, "What's in the
bags?"
"Sand," answers Juan.
The guard says, "We'll just see about that ~ get off the bike." The guard
takes the bags and rips them apart; he empties them out and finds nothing
in them but sand. He detains Juan overnight and has the sand analyzed,
only to discover that there is nothing but pure sand in the bags.
The guard releases Juan, puts the sand into new bags, hefts them onto the
man's shoulders, and lets him cross the border.
A week later, the same thing happens. The guard asks, "What have you got?"
"Sand," says Juan.
The guard does his thorough examination and discovers that the bags
contain nothing but sand. He gives the sand back to Juan, who crosses the
border on his bicycle.
This sequence of events if repeated every week for three years. Finally,
Juan doesn't show up one day and the guard meets him in a cantina in
Mexico.
"Hey, Buddy," says the guard, "I know you are smuggling something. It's
driving me crazy. It's all I think about. I can't sleep. Just between you
and me, what are you smuggling?"
Juan sips his beer and says, "Bicycles."
Erk.
Reply #48 Wednesday, December 29, 2004 9:39 PM
Reply #48 Wednesday, December 29, 2004 9:39 PM
Three year old son Tim had a lot of problems with potty training and I was constantly onto him. One day we stopped at McDonalds for a quick lunch in between errands. It was very busy with a full dining area.
While enjoying my burger, I could smell something funny so as a matter of course I checked my seven month old daughter but she was clean. It was then that I realised that Tim had not asked to go potty for a while so I asked him and he said, "No."
I kept thinking to myself, "How embarrassing. My child has had an accident and I don't have any spare clothes with me."
Then I said, "Tim, are you sure you haven't had an accident?" "No!", he emphatically replied.
I just knew that he must have, as the smell was getting stronger so I asked him once again, "Are you really sure, Tim, that you haven't had just a little accident?"
With that he leapt from the table, yanked down his pants, bent over and spread the cheeks of his bottom and yelled, "SEE MUM, THEY'RE JUST FARTS!!!"
While 50 people nearly choked to death on their burgers and fries, he calmly pulled up his pants and sat back at the table to eat his food as if nothing had happened.
I was mortified.
An elderly couple made me feel a lot better when they came over and thanked me for the best laugh they had ever had! Another old gentleman stopped us in the car park as we were leaving, bent over to my son and in a kindly voice said to Tim, "Don't worry son. My wife accuses me of the same thing all the time...I just never had the nerve to make the point like you did."
While enjoying my burger, I could smell something funny so as a matter of course I checked my seven month old daughter but she was clean. It was then that I realised that Tim had not asked to go potty for a while so I asked him and he said, "No."
I kept thinking to myself, "How embarrassing. My child has had an accident and I don't have any spare clothes with me."
Then I said, "Tim, are you sure you haven't had an accident?" "No!", he emphatically replied.
I just knew that he must have, as the smell was getting stronger so I asked him once again, "Are you really sure, Tim, that you haven't had just a little accident?"
With that he leapt from the table, yanked down his pants, bent over and spread the cheeks of his bottom and yelled, "SEE MUM, THEY'RE JUST FARTS!!!"
While 50 people nearly choked to death on their burgers and fries, he calmly pulled up his pants and sat back at the table to eat his food as if nothing had happened.
I was mortified.
An elderly couple made me feel a lot better when they came over and thanked me for the best laugh they had ever had! Another old gentleman stopped us in the car park as we were leaving, bent over to my son and in a kindly voice said to Tim, "Don't worry son. My wife accuses me of the same thing all the time...I just never had the nerve to make the point like you did."
Erk.
Reply #49 Wednesday, December 29, 2004 10:00 PM
Reply #49 Wednesday, December 29, 2004 10:00 PM
Scott received a parrot for his birthday.
This bird was a fully grown parrot with a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary. Every other word was an expletive. Those that weren't expletives were, to say the least, rude.
Scott tried hard to change the bird's attitude and was constantly saying polite words, playing soft music, anything he could think of to set a good example. But nothing worked.
He yelled at the bird and the bird got worse. He shook the bird and the bird got more angry and more rude.
Finally, in a moment of desperation, Scott put the parrot in the freezer.
For a few moments he heard the bird squawking, kicking and screaming -- then suddenly there was quiet.
Scott was afraid he may have hurt the bird and threw open the freezer door.
The parrot calmly stepped out onto Scott's extended arm and said "I'm sorry that I might have offended you with my language and actions and I ask your forgiveness. I will endeavor to correct my behavior."
Scott was astonished at the bird's change in attitude and was about to ask what had made such a dramatic change when the parrot continued....
"May I ask what the chicken did?".
This bird was a fully grown parrot with a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary. Every other word was an expletive. Those that weren't expletives were, to say the least, rude.
Scott tried hard to change the bird's attitude and was constantly saying polite words, playing soft music, anything he could think of to set a good example. But nothing worked.
He yelled at the bird and the bird got worse. He shook the bird and the bird got more angry and more rude.
Finally, in a moment of desperation, Scott put the parrot in the freezer.
For a few moments he heard the bird squawking, kicking and screaming -- then suddenly there was quiet.
Scott was afraid he may have hurt the bird and threw open the freezer door.
The parrot calmly stepped out onto Scott's extended arm and said "I'm sorry that I might have offended you with my language and actions and I ask your forgiveness. I will endeavor to correct my behavior."
Scott was astonished at the bird's change in attitude and was about to ask what had made such a dramatic change when the parrot continued....
"May I ask what the chicken did?".
Lady Aarielle
Reply #50 Thursday, December 30, 2004 3:36 AM
Reply #50 Thursday, December 30, 2004 3:36 AM
An oldie but a goodie....
Long-Distance Calls
A man in Topeka, Kansas decided to write a book about churches around the country. He started by flying to San Francisco and worked east from there. Going to a very large church, he began taking photographs and notes. He spotted a golden telephone on the vestibule wall and was intrigued by a sign which read: "$10,000 a minute." Seeking out the Pastor he asked about the phone and the sign. The Pastor explained that the golden phone was, in fact, a direct line to Heaven and if he paid the price he could talk directly to God. The man thanked the Pastor and continued on his way.
As he continued to visit churches in Seattle, San Diego, Chicago, Greensboro, Tampa and all around the United States, he found more phones with the same sign and got the same answer from each Pastor.
Finally, he arrived in Texas. Upon entering a church in Dallas, behold, he saw the usual golden telephone. But THIS time, the sign read: "Calls: 35 cents." Fascinated, he asked to talk to the Pastor.
"Reverend, I have been in cities all across the country and in each church I have found this golden telephone. I have been told it is a direct line to Heaven and that I could talk to God, but, in the other churches the cost was $10,000 a minute. Your sign reads 35 cents. Why?"
The Pastor, smiling benignly, replied, "Son, you're in Texas now... It's a local call.
Long-Distance Calls
A man in Topeka, Kansas decided to write a book about churches around the country. He started by flying to San Francisco and worked east from there. Going to a very large church, he began taking photographs and notes. He spotted a golden telephone on the vestibule wall and was intrigued by a sign which read: "$10,000 a minute." Seeking out the Pastor he asked about the phone and the sign. The Pastor explained that the golden phone was, in fact, a direct line to Heaven and if he paid the price he could talk directly to God. The man thanked the Pastor and continued on his way.
As he continued to visit churches in Seattle, San Diego, Chicago, Greensboro, Tampa and all around the United States, he found more phones with the same sign and got the same answer from each Pastor.
Finally, he arrived in Texas. Upon entering a church in Dallas, behold, he saw the usual golden telephone. But THIS time, the sign read: "Calls: 35 cents." Fascinated, he asked to talk to the Pastor.
"Reverend, I have been in cities all across the country and in each church I have found this golden telephone. I have been told it is a direct line to Heaven and that I could talk to God, but, in the other churches the cost was $10,000 a minute. Your sign reads 35 cents. Why?"
The Pastor, smiling benignly, replied, "Son, you're in Texas now... It's a local call.
BX
Reply #51 Thursday, December 30, 2004 12:34 PM
Reply #51 Thursday, December 30, 2004 12:34 PM
Man Wanting a Bridge
A man walking along a California beach was deep in prayer. Suddenly the sky clouded above his head and, in a booming voice, the Lord said, "Because you have TRIED to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish."
The man said, "Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive over anytime I want."
The Lord said, "Your request is very materialistic. Think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking. The supports required to reach the bottom of the Pacific! The concrete and steel it would take! It will nearly exhaust several natural resources. I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of something that would honor and glorify me."
The man thought about it for a long time. Finally he said, "Lord, I wish that I could understand my wife. I want to know how she feels inside, what she's thinking when she gives me the silent treatment, why she cries, what she means when she says 'nothing's wrong,' and how I can make her truly happy."
The Lord replied, "You want two lanes or four on that bridge?"
A man walking along a California beach was deep in prayer. Suddenly the sky clouded above his head and, in a booming voice, the Lord said, "Because you have TRIED to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish."
The man said, "Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive over anytime I want."
The Lord said, "Your request is very materialistic. Think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking. The supports required to reach the bottom of the Pacific! The concrete and steel it would take! It will nearly exhaust several natural resources. I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of something that would honor and glorify me."
The man thought about it for a long time. Finally he said, "Lord, I wish that I could understand my wife. I want to know how she feels inside, what she's thinking when she gives me the silent treatment, why she cries, what she means when she says 'nothing's wrong,' and how I can make her truly happy."
The Lord replied, "You want two lanes or four on that bridge?"
Lady Aarielle
Reply #52 Thursday, December 30, 2004 3:27 PM
Reply #52 Thursday, December 30, 2004 3:27 PM
another oldie.... This is basically for women but you fellas can get a chuckle at our expense.
For those in the Ya-Ya sisterhood:
1. If you love something, set it free. If it comes back, it will always be yours. If it doesn't come back, it was never yours to begin with. But, if it just sits in your living room, messes up your stuff, eats your food, uses your telephone, takes your money, and doesn't appear to realize that you had set it free....... You either married it or gave birth to it.
2. Reason to smile: Every 7 minutes of every day, someone in an aerobics class pulls a hamstring.
3. They keep telling us to get in touch with our bodies. Mine isn't all that communicative but I heard from it the other day after I said, "Body, how'd you like to go to the six o'clock class in vigorous toning?" Clear as a bell my body said, "Listen fatty....do it and die."
4. My mind not only wanders, it sometimes leaves completely.
5. The best way to forget all your troubles is to wear tight shoes.
6. The nice part about living in a small town: When you don't know what you're doing, someone else always does.
7. Just when I was getting used to yesterday, along came today.
8. Amazing! ! You hang something in your closet for a while and it shrinks two sizes!
9. Sometimes I think I understand everything, then I regain consciousness.
10. I read this article that said the typical symptoms of stress are eating too much, impulse buying, and driving too fast. Are they kidding? That's my idea of a perfect day.
Truly great friends are hard to find, difficult to leave, and impossible to forget.
For those in the Ya-Ya sisterhood:
1. If you love something, set it free. If it comes back, it will always be yours. If it doesn't come back, it was never yours to begin with. But, if it just sits in your living room, messes up your stuff, eats your food, uses your telephone, takes your money, and doesn't appear to realize that you had set it free....... You either married it or gave birth to it.
2. Reason to smile: Every 7 minutes of every day, someone in an aerobics class pulls a hamstring.
3. They keep telling us to get in touch with our bodies. Mine isn't all that communicative but I heard from it the other day after I said, "Body, how'd you like to go to the six o'clock class in vigorous toning?" Clear as a bell my body said, "Listen fatty....do it and die."
4. My mind not only wanders, it sometimes leaves completely.
5. The best way to forget all your troubles is to wear tight shoes.
6. The nice part about living in a small town: When you don't know what you're doing, someone else always does.
7. Just when I was getting used to yesterday, along came today.
8. Amazing! ! You hang something in your closet for a while and it shrinks two sizes!
9. Sometimes I think I understand everything, then I regain consciousness.
10. I read this article that said the typical symptoms of stress are eating too much, impulse buying, and driving too fast. Are they kidding? That's my idea of a perfect day.
Truly great friends are hard to find, difficult to leave, and impossible to forget.
Lady Aarielle
Reply #53 Thursday, December 30, 2004 3:47 PM
Reply #53 Thursday, December 30, 2004 3:47 PM
Two Very Good Questions......
Question 1:
If you knew a woman who was pregnant, who had 8 kids already,
three who were deaf, two who were blind, one mentally retarded,
and she had syphilis; would you recommend that she have an
abortion?
Read the next question before scrolling down to the answer of this
one.
Question 2:
It is time to elect a new world leader, and your vote counts. Here
are the facts about the three leading candidates:
Candidate A: Associates with crooked politicians, and consults
with astrologists. He's had two mistresses. He also chain smokes
and drinks 8 to 10 martinis a day.
Candidate B: He was kicked out of office twice, sleeps until noon,
used opium in college and drinks a quart of whisky every evening.
Candidate C: He is a decorated war hero. He's a vegetarian,
doesn't smoke, drinks an occasional beer and hasn't had any
extramarital affairs.
Which of these candidates would be your choice?
(Decide first, no peeking, then scroll down for the answer).
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
Candidate A is Franklin D. Roosevelt,
Candidate B is Winston Churchill,
Candidate C is Adolph Hitler.
And by the way: Answer to the abortion question if you said yes,
you just killed Beethoven.
Pretty interesting isn't it? Makes a person think before judging
someone...and remember,
Amateurs built the ark .... Professionals built the Titanic!!
Not political statements....... just quirky interesting facts!
Question 1:
If you knew a woman who was pregnant, who had 8 kids already,
three who were deaf, two who were blind, one mentally retarded,
and she had syphilis; would you recommend that she have an
abortion?
Read the next question before scrolling down to the answer of this
one.
Question 2:
It is time to elect a new world leader, and your vote counts. Here
are the facts about the three leading candidates:
Candidate A: Associates with crooked politicians, and consults
with astrologists. He's had two mistresses. He also chain smokes
and drinks 8 to 10 martinis a day.
Candidate B: He was kicked out of office twice, sleeps until noon,
used opium in college and drinks a quart of whisky every evening.
Candidate C: He is a decorated war hero. He's a vegetarian,
doesn't smoke, drinks an occasional beer and hasn't had any
extramarital affairs.
Which of these candidates would be your choice?
(Decide first, no peeking, then scroll down for the answer).
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
Candidate A is Franklin D. Roosevelt,
Candidate B is Winston Churchill,
Candidate C is Adolph Hitler.
And by the way: Answer to the abortion question if you said yes,
you just killed Beethoven.
Pretty interesting isn't it? Makes a person think before judging
someone...and remember,
Amateurs built the ark .... Professionals built the Titanic!!
Not political statements....... just quirky interesting facts!
Lady Aarielle
Reply #54 Thursday, December 30, 2004 3:48 PM
Reply #54 Thursday, December 30, 2004 3:48 PM
Jesus is Watching You!
There was a burglar who broke into a home and started to gather the items he wanted to take.
All of a sudden he heard, "Jesus is watching you!"
He didn't see anything in the dark house, so he went on with what he was doing.
He heard, "Jesus is watching you!" again, and then he really wondered who was saying that.
He turned on the flashlight, scanned the room, and finally saw a parrot.
"Did you say that?" asked the burglar.
"Yes," replied the parrot.
"By the way, what's your name?" the burglar inquired.
"Moses," answered the parrot.
"That's a strange name for a parrot. Who named you that?"
"The same people who named their rottweiler Jesus!"
There was a burglar who broke into a home and started to gather the items he wanted to take.
All of a sudden he heard, "Jesus is watching you!"
He didn't see anything in the dark house, so he went on with what he was doing.
He heard, "Jesus is watching you!" again, and then he really wondered who was saying that.
He turned on the flashlight, scanned the room, and finally saw a parrot.
"Did you say that?" asked the burglar.
"Yes," replied the parrot.
"By the way, what's your name?" the burglar inquired.
"Moses," answered the parrot.
"That's a strange name for a parrot. Who named you that?"
"The same people who named their rottweiler Jesus!"
MillaMeter
Reply #55 Thursday, December 30, 2004 6:03 PM
Reply #55 Thursday, December 30, 2004 6:03 PM
Police arrested two kids, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. The Police men charged one and let the other one off.
MillaMeter
Reply #56 Thursday, December 30, 2004 6:08 PM
Reply #56 Thursday, December 30, 2004 6:08 PM
Patient: "Doctor Doctor, can you help me out?"
Doctor: "Sure, which way did you come in?"
Doctor: "Sure, which way did you come in?"
Lady Aarielle
Reply #57 Thursday, December 30, 2004 9:37 PM
Reply #57 Thursday, December 30, 2004 9:37 PM
NOW DONT GO TRYING THIS ONE ON YOUR OWN
Three Southerners and three Yankees are traveling by train to the Super Bowl.
At the station, the three Northerners each buy a ticket and watch as the three Southerners buy just one ticket.
"How are the three of you going to travel on only one ticket?" Asks one of the Yankees.
"Watch and learn," answers one of the men from the South.
They all board the train. The three Yankee men take their
respective seats but all three Southerners cram into a toilet together and close the door.
Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets. He knocks on the toilet door and says, "Ticket
please. "The door opens just a crack and single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on.
The Yankees see this happen and agree it was quite a clever idea, so after the game, they decide to do the same thing on the return trip and save some money.
When they get to the station, they buy a single ticket for the return trip, but see, to their astonishment, that the three Southerners don't buy any ticket at all.
"How are you going to travel without a ticket?" says one perplexed Yankee.
"Watch and learn," answer the men from the South.
When they board the train the three Northerners cram themselves into a toilet and the three Southerners cram into another toilet just down the way. Shortly after the train is on its way, one of the Southerners leaves their toilet and walks over to the toilet in which the Yankees are hiding.
The Southerner knocks on their door and says, "Ticket please."
And I'm still trying to figure out how the South lost that war!!
Three Southerners and three Yankees are traveling by train to the Super Bowl.
At the station, the three Northerners each buy a ticket and watch as the three Southerners buy just one ticket.
"How are the three of you going to travel on only one ticket?" Asks one of the Yankees.
"Watch and learn," answers one of the men from the South.
They all board the train. The three Yankee men take their
respective seats but all three Southerners cram into a toilet together and close the door.
Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets. He knocks on the toilet door and says, "Ticket
please. "The door opens just a crack and single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on.
The Yankees see this happen and agree it was quite a clever idea, so after the game, they decide to do the same thing on the return trip and save some money.
When they get to the station, they buy a single ticket for the return trip, but see, to their astonishment, that the three Southerners don't buy any ticket at all.
"How are you going to travel without a ticket?" says one perplexed Yankee.
"Watch and learn," answer the men from the South.
When they board the train the three Northerners cram themselves into a toilet and the three Southerners cram into another toilet just down the way. Shortly after the train is on its way, one of the Southerners leaves their toilet and walks over to the toilet in which the Yankees are hiding.
The Southerner knocks on their door and says, "Ticket please."
And I'm still trying to figure out how the South lost that war!!
Lady Aarielle
Reply #59 Thursday, December 30, 2004 10:27 PM
Reply #59 Thursday, December 30, 2004 10:27 PM
Why so sad sleepy dragon?
The jokes aren't that bad are they?
The jokes aren't that bad are they?
slinky1947
Reply #60 Friday, December 31, 2004 1:51 PM
Reply #60 Friday, December 31, 2004 1:51 PM
Lady Aarielle,
Enjoyed your jokes! Have to bring them back to work and give everyone a good laugh! Thanks
Enjoyed your jokes! Have to bring them back to work and give everyone a good laugh! Thanks
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Reply #41 Monday, September 13, 2004 9:25 AM
I'm still trying to work out why, after giving women all those dangerous curves, nature gave us men such unreliable brakes.