Just for laughs

Tuesday, March 29, 2016 by mrs_starkers | Discussion: WinCustomize Talk

Ok, so I have been thinking, I need some laughs as I have been feeling down due to  1 so called daughter that thinks ripping her own cousin off is a good idea and stealing her cousins stuff and then trashing the place and leaving it stinking like a pigsty , my niece Louise has Parkinson's disease and is bringing up her 5 year old son and shes lost her hubby 5 months ago.   I have been away since last Thursday helping Louise to get her house back in order after Bianca and her so called partner and new bub were forced out of Louise's home cos they stopped paying rent and when asked they refused so my niece had no choice but to take them to court to have them removed . and in the mean time Bianca   lies to me and other family members  as to where shes actually  was living what I don't get is why Bianca had to be such a  B*tch to do this to her family its so wrong  yes I am mad, upset, and angry with her but my mind keeps telling me you can't do anything for her she has to fall rock bottom. this is where I need some laughs, I want you to hit me with all your best jokes  so that it passes my day and I can feel happy  again , as they say laughter is the best medicine .... anyway enough of this I need some laughs so get cracking you lot  PLEASEEEE!!!!

 

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mozler
Reply #121 Tuesday, September 6, 2016 5:05 AM

Man goes back to his girlfriends house after a night down the pub, girlfriend says be quiet my parents are asleep, boyfriend says I need to use the toilet, girlfriend says don't go upstairs you might wake my parents, go in the kitchen sink, my dad sometimes does when he's had a few and can't be bothered to go upstairs, girlfriend goes into the sitting room, after a few minutes she hears her boyfriend say, "got any toilet paper love"

mrs_starkers
Reply #122 Monday, September 12, 2016 9:47 AM

The pastor asked if anyone in the congregation would like to express praise for answered prayers.
Suzie Smith stood and walked to the podium. She said, "I have a praise. Two months ago, my husband, Phil, had a terrible bicycle wreck and his scrotum was completely crushed. The pain was excruciating and the doctors didn't know if they could help him."
You could hear a muffled gasp from the men in the congregation as they imagine the pain that poor Phil must have experienced.
"Phil was unable to hold me or the children," she went on, "and every move caused him terrible pain." We prayed as the doctors performed a delicate operation, and it turned out they were able to piece together the crushed remnants of Phil's scrotum, and wrap wire around it to hold it in place."
Again, the men in the congregation cringed and squirmed uncomfortably as they imagined the horrible surgery performed on Phil.
"Now," she announced in a quivering voice, "thank the Lord, Phil is out of the hospital and the doctors say that with time, his scrotum should recover completely."
All the men sighed with unified relief. The pastor rose and tentatively asked if anyone else had something to say.
A man stood up and walked slowly to the podium.
He said, "I'm Phil." The entire congregation held its breath. "I just want to tell my wife the word is sternum."

mrs_starkers
Reply #123 Monday, September 12, 2016 9:47 AM

For 2 years a man was having an affair with an Italian woman.

One night, she confided in him that she was pregnant.

Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage, He paid her a large sum of money if she would go to Italy to secretly have the child.

If she stayed in Italy to raise the child, he would also provide child support until the child turned 18.

She agreed, but asked how he would know when the baby was born.

To keep it discrete, he told her to simply mail him a post card, and write 'Spaghetti' on the back.

He would then arrange for the child support payments to begin.

One day, about 9 months later, he came home to his confused wife. 'Honey!' she said, 'you received a very strange post card today.'

'Oh, just give it to me and I'll explain it later,' he said.

The wife obeyed and watched as her husband read the card, turned white, and fainted.

On the card was written: Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti.

Three with meatballs, two without. Send extra sauce.

Uvah
Reply #124 Monday, September 12, 2016 1:24 PM

OMG!! 

mrs_starkers
Reply #125 Monday, September 12, 2016 9:41 PM

Little boy gets home from school and says "Dad, I've got a part in the
school play as a man who's been married for 25 years."
His Dad replies "Never mind Son. Maybe next time you'll get a speaking
part!!"

mrs_starkers
Reply #126 Monday, September 12, 2016 9:48 PM

Two Irishmen looking through a mail order catalogue.
Paddy says "Look at these gorgeous women! The prices are reasonable too."
Mick agrees "I'm ordering one right now"
3 weeks later Paddy says to Mick "Has your woman turned up yet?"
"No" said Mick "but it shouldn't be long now though. Her clothes arrived
yesterday!!

mrs_starkers
Reply #127 Thursday, September 22, 2016 2:53 AM

A young jackaroo from outback Queensland goes off to university, but halfway through the semester he has squandered all of his money.
He calls home.

'Dad,' he says, 'you won't believe what modern education is developing...they actually have a program here in Brisbane that will teach our dog Ol' Blue how to talk.'

'That's amazing!' his Dad says. 'How do I get Ol' Blue in that program?'

'Just send him down here with $2,000,' the young jackaroo says, 'I'll get him in the course.'

So his father sends the dog and $2,000.

About two-thirds through the semester, the money again runs out. The boy calls home.

'So how's Ol' Blue doing, son?' his father wants to know.
'Awesome! Dad, he's talking up a storm.. But you just won't believe this. They've had such good results with talking, they've begun to teach the animals how to read.'

'Read?' exclaims his father. 'No kidding! How do we get Ol' Blue in that program?'

'Just send $4,500. I'll get him in the class.'

The money promptly arrives. But our hero has a problem. At the end of the year, his father will find out the dog can neither talk nor read.

So he shoots the dog. When he arrives home at the end of the year, his father is all excited.

'Where's Ol' Blue? I just can't wait to talk with him, and see him read something!'

'Dad,' the boy says, 'I have some grim news. Yesterday morning, just before we left to drive home, Ol' Blue was in the living room, kicked back in the recliner, reading the Wall Street Journal.
Then he suddenly turned to me and asked, 'So, is your daddy still bonking that little redhead barmaid at the pub?''

The father groans and whispers, 'I hope you shot that bastard before he talks to your Mother!'

'I sure did, Dad!'

'That's my boy!'

mrs_starkers
Reply #128 Thursday, September 29, 2016 10:34 PM

Gail and Bonnie are outside their nursing home, having a drink and a smoke, when it starts to rain. Gail pulls out a condom, cuts off the end, puts i t over her cigarette, and continues smoking.

Bonnie: What in the hell is that?

Gail: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet.

Bonnie: Where did you get it?

Gail: You can get them at any pharmacy.

The next day, Bonnie hobbles herself into the local pharmacy and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms.

The pharmacist, obviously embarrassed, looks at her kind of strangely (she is after all, over 80 years of age), but very delicately asks what brand of condom she prefers.

'Doesn't matter Sonny, as long as it fits on a Camel.'

The pharmacist fainted.

mrs_starkers
Reply #129 Friday, September 30, 2016 4:45 AM

An old geezer became very bored in retirement and decided to open a

medical clinic. He put a sign up outside that said: "Dr. Geezer's
clinic. Get your treatment for $500, if not cured, I'll pay you $1,000."

Doctor "Young," who was positive that this old geezer didn't know beans
about medicine, thought this would be a great opportunity to get $1,000.
So he went to Dr. Geezer's clinic.

Dr. Young: "Dr. Geezer, I have lost all taste in my mouth. Can you
please help me ??"

Dr. Geezer: "Nurse, please bring medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in
Dr. Young's mouth."

Dr. Young: Aaagh !! -- "This is Gasoline!"

Dr. Geezer: "Congratulations! You've got your taste back. That will be
$500."

Dr. Young gets annoyed and goes back after a couple of days figuring to
recover his money.

Dr. Young: "I have lost my memory, I cannot remember anything."

Dr. Geezer: "Nurse, please bring medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in
the patient's mouth."

Dr. Young: "Oh, no you don't, -- that is Gasoline!"

Dr. Geezer: "Congratulations! You've got your memory back . That will be
$500."

Dr. Young (after having lost $1000) leaves angrily and comes back after
several more days.

Dr. Young: "My eyesight has become weak --- I can hardly see anything!!!!"

Dr. Geezer: "Well, I don't have any medicine for that so," Here's your
$1000 back." (giving him a $10 bill)

Dr. Young: "But this is only $10!"

Dr. Geezer: "Congratulations! You got your eyesight back! That will be
$500."

Moral of story -- Just because you're "Young" doesn't mean that you can
outsmart an old Geezer.

mrs_starkers
Reply #130 Friday, September 30, 2016 4:46 AM

Three elderly golfers walking down the fairway. "Sixty is the worst age to be," said the 60-year-old Ewan Taylor,
"You always feel like you have to pee. And most of the time nothing happens."

"Ah, that's nothing," said the 70-year-old David Taylor "When you're 70, you don't have a bowel movement anymore. You take laxatives, eat bran, you sit on the toilet all day and nothing happens."

"Actually," said the 80-year-old John Tiffin
, "Eighty is the worst age of all."

"Do you have trouble peeing too?" asked the 60-year-old.

"No, I pee every morning at 6.00 am. I pee like a racehorse; no problem at all."

"Do you have trouble having a bowel movement?"

"No, I have one every morning at 6.30 am."

Puzzled with this the 60-year-old said, "Let's get this straight. You pee every morning at 6.00 am and crap every morning at 6.30 am. So what's so tough about being 80?"

"I don't wake up until seven."....

mrs_starkers
Reply #131 Friday, September 30, 2016 4:47 AM

*Seller conducting a market survey in a bookshop, asked me – “Which book has helped

you most in your life?”*

*I replied – “My husbands cheque book!!”*

*************************************************

*Hamish was browsing in a book store

“Do you have a book called,

‘ – the Master of the House’?*

*Sales Girl: “Sir, Fiction and Comics are on the 2nd floor.”*

**************************************************************

*Someone asked Hamish: “Even after 50 years,

you still call your wife –

Darling, Honey, Luv. What’s the secret?*

*Hamish: I forgot her name and I’m scared to ask*

*************************************************************

* : I said I wish I were a newspaper so I'd be in your hands all day.*

*Hamish:replied I too wish that you were a newspaper,

so I could have a new one every day!*

**************************************************************

*Hamish says – “Today is a fine day.” Next day he says: “Today is a fine day.” Again next day, he says same thing – “today is a fine day.”

Finally after a week, I asked Hamish “since last week, you are

saying today is a fine day. I am fed up. Whats the matter?”*

*Hamish: “Last week when we had an argument,

you said, I will leave you one fine day.

I was just trying to remind you."*

mrs_starkers
Reply #132 Friday, September 30, 2016 4:48 AM

There was a man who lost one of his arms in an accident.
He became very depressed because he had loved to play Golf and couldn't play anymore. One day in his despair, he decided to commit suicide.
He got on an elevator and went to the top of a building to jump off. He was standing on the ledge...

.....looking down… and saw this man skipping along, whooping and kicking up his heels. He looked closer and saw that this man didn't have any arms at all.

He started thinking, “what am I doing up here feeling sorry for myself, I still have one good arm to do things with. There goes a man with no arms skipping down the sidewalk so happy, and going on with his life. ”
He hurried down and caught up with the man with no arms. He told him how glad he was to see him because he had lost one of his arms and felt useless and was going to kill himself. He thanked him again for saving his life and said he knew he could make it with one arm if that guy could go on with no arms.
The man with no arms began dancing and whooping and kicking up his heels again.
He asked, "Why are you so happy?"
He said, "I'm NOT happy!"

Scroll down.......

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

"My balls are itchy!"…

starkers
Reply #133 Saturday, October 1, 2016 10:12 PM

Well the other day I was trying to impress a worldly lady with various tidbits of personal information.... only slightly exaggerated. 

One thing I though would gain her interest was: "Oh yeah, I got my cock in the Guinness Book Of World Records.!!!!"

"Oh Yeah," she retorts: "....and then the librarian told you to remove it before she called the police."

mrs_starkers
Reply #134 Monday, October 3, 2016 10:16 AM
 

A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with

four young mothers and their small children.

You all have obsessions,' he observed.

To the first mother, Mary, he said, 'You are obsessed with
eating. You've even named your daughter Candy.'

He turned to the second mum, Ann: 'Your obsession is with
money. Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Penny.'

He turned to the third mum, Kathy: 'Your obsession is
alcohol. This too shows itself in your child's name, Brandy.'

At this point, the fourth mother, Joyce, quietly got up,
took her little boy by the hand and whispered,
'Come on Dick, this guy has no idea what he's talking about.
Let's pick Willy up from school and go home.

mrs_starkers
Reply #135 Friday, October 7, 2016 8:23 AM

During a medical examination the doctor asked Mark Stevens about his physical activity level.
The man described a typical day,

"Well, yesterday afternoon I took a five hour walk of about 10 kms through some pretty rough terrain. I waded along the edge of a lake and I pushed my way through brambles.I got sand in my shoes and my eyes. I avoided standing on a snake. I climbed several rocky hills. I took a few 'leaks' behind some big trees. The mental stress of it all left me shattered. At the end of it all I drank eight beers."

Inspired by the story the doctor said, "You sure are one hell of an outdoors man!"

"No doctor," he replied, "I'm just a crap golfer."

mrs_starkers
Reply #136 Monday, October 10, 2016 2:37 AM

Three fathers are talking about their sons. The first father says, "my sons a successful doctor. He's so rich, he just bought his best friend a Lamborghini". The second father said, "my sons a successful hedge fund manager. He's so rich, he just bought his best friend a yacht". The third father says, "my sons the CEO of a big company. He's so rich he just bought his best friend a castle". Right then, a fourth father walks in and asks what they're talking about. The other three fathers say, "we're talking about our successful sons, what does yours do?" The forth father says, "well my sons a gay stripper." The other three fathers say, "oh wow, you must be really disappointed." The fourth father replies with, "well not really, he's doing really well. His three boyfriends just bought him a Lamborghini, a yacht, and a castle."

mrs_starkers
Reply #137 Monday, October 10, 2016 2:41 AM

If you ever testify in court, you might wish you could have been as sharp as this policeman. (True Story).

He was being Cross-Examined by a Defense Attorney during a Felony Trial.

The lawyer was trying to undermine the policeman's credibility....

Q: "Officer -- did you see my client fleeing the scene?"

A: "No sir. But I subsequently observed a person matching the description of the offender, running several blocks away."

Q: "Officer -- who provided this description?"

A: "The officer who responded to the scene."

Q: "A fellow officer provided the description of this so-called offender. Do you trust your fellow officers?"

A: "Yes, sir. With my life."

Q: "With your life? Let me ask you this then officer. Do you have a room where you change your clothes in preparation for your daily duties?"

A: "Yes sir, we do!"

Q: "And do you have a locker in the room?"

A: "Yes sir, I do."

Q: "And do you have a lock on your locker?"

A: "Yes sir."

Q: "Now why is it, officer, if you trust your fellow officers with your life, you find it necessary to lock your locker in a room you share with these same officers?"

A: "You see, sir, we share the building with the Court Complex, and sometimes Lawyers have been known to walk through that Room."

The Courtroom erupted in laughter, and a prompt recess was called.

The Officer on the stand has been nominated for this year's "Best Comeback" line - and we think he'll win

mrs_starkers
Reply #138 Monday, October 10, 2016 2:48 AM

A man entered a restaurant and sat at the only open table. As he sat down, he knocked the spoon off the table with his elbow. A nearby waiter reached into his shirt pocket, pulled out a clean spoon and set it on the table. The diner was impressed. "Do all the waiters carry spoons in their pockets?" The waiter replied, "Yes. Ever since we had that efficiency expert out; he determined that 17.8% of our diners knock the spoon off the table. By carrying clean spoons with us, we save trips to the kitchen." The diner ate his meal. As he was paying the waiter, he commented, "Forgive the intrusion, but do you know that you have a string hanging from your fly?" The waiter replied, "Yes, we all do. Seems that the same efficiency expert determined that we spend too much time washing our hands after using the men's room. So, the other end of that string is tied to my penis. When I need to go, I simply pull the string to pull out my penis, go, and return to work. Having never touched myself, there is no need to wash my hands. Saves a lot of time." Wait a minute," said the diner, "how do you get your penis back in your pants?" "Well, I don't know about the other guys, but I use the spoon.

mrs_starkers
Reply #139 Saturday, October 15, 2016 12:53 AM

The Indian With One Testicle

There once was an Indian who had only one testicle
and whose given name was 'Onestone'.

He hated that
name and asked everyone not to call him Onestone..

After years and years of torment, Onestone finally
cracked and said,' If anyone calls me Onestone
again I will kill them!'

The word got around and nobody called
him that any more.

Then one day a young woman named Blue Bird
forgot and said, 'Good morning, Onestone.' He
jumped up, grabbed her and took her deep into
the forest where he made love to her all day and
all night. He made love to her all the next day,
until Blue Bird died from exhaustion.

The word got around that Onestone meant what
he promised he would do.

Years went by and no
one dared call him by his given name until A woman
named Yellow Bird returned to the village after being
away.

Yellow Bird , who was Blue Bird's cousin, was
overjoyed when she saw Onestone.

She hugged him
and said, 'Good to see you, Onestone.'
Onestone grabbed her, took her deep into the forest,
then he made love to her all day, made love to her all
night, made love to her all the next day, made love to
her all the next night, but Yellow Bird wouldn't die!

Why ???

OH, come on... take a guess !!!

Think about it !!!

You're going to love this !!!

Everyone knows..

You can't kill Two Birds

with OneStone!!!

mrs_starkers
Reply #140 Saturday, October 15, 2016 1:46 AM

An Irish man went to confession in St. Patrick's Catholic Church.

'Father', he confessed, 'it has been one month since my last confession. I had sex with Fanny Green twice last month.'

The priest told the sinner, 'You are forgiven. Go out and say three Hail Mary's.'

Soon thereafter, another Irish man entered the confessional. 'Father, it has been two months since my last confession. I've had sex with Fanny Green twice a week for the past two months.'

This time, the priest questioned, 'Who is this Fanny Green?'

'A new woman in the neighbourhood,' the sinner replied.

'Very well,' sighed the priest.. Go and say ten Hail Mary's.

At mass the next morning, as the priest prepared to deliver the sermon, a tall,Voluptuous, drop-dead gorgeous redheaded woman entered the sanctuary. The eyes of every man in the church fell upon her as she slowly sashayed up the aisle and sat down right in front of the priest. Her dress was green and very short, and she wore matching, shiny emerald-green shoes.

The priest and the altar boy gasped as the woman in the green dress and matching green shoes sat with her legs spread slightly apart, but just enough to realize she wasn't wearing any underwear.

The priest turned to the altar boy and whispered, 'Is that Fanny Green?'

The bug-eyed altar boy couldn't believe his ears but managed to calmly reply, 'No Father, I think it's just a reflection from her shoes'.

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