ok, but I do think they use a 1-6 system for rating in their school....
cosmo-alpha??

Must be someones birthday

Birthday Present

A man asked his wife what she'd like for her birthday.

"I'd love to be six again," she replied.

On the morning of her birthday, he got her up bright and early and off they went to a local theme park. What a day! He put her on every ride in the park: the Death Slide, the Screaming Loop, the Wall of Fear - everything there was! Wow!

Five hours later she staggered out of the theme park, her head reeling and her stomach upside down. Right to a McDonald's they went, where her husband ordered her a Big Mac along with extra fries and a refreshing chocolate shake. Then it was off to a movie -the latest Star Wars epic, and hot dogs, popcorn, Pepsi Cola and M&Ms.


What a fabulous adventure! Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed. He leaned over and lovingly asked, "Well, dear,what was it like being six again?"


One eye opened. - - - "You idiot!, I meant my dress size!"

ok, but I do think they use a 1-6 system for rating in their school....



Couldn't tell ya Senor Styl Skinner. I went to school in der USA. Good question for c242 or moshi though.
[Message Edited]
[Message Edited]

der USA?
Ok, thanks anyway

I lived in Germany for a time when my ex-husband was stationed there and I have no idea what you are talking about, Styl skinner! They do count one-ten just like everybody else only in German like Ph00ey said

*Kim*

There was this guy in a mental hospital. All day long he had his ear to the wall, listening. The doctor would watch this guy do this day after day.

The doctor finally decided to see what the guy was listening to, so he put his ear up to the wall and listened. He heard nothing.

He turned to the mental patient and said, "I don't hear anything."

The mental patient said, "Yeah, I know. It's been like that for months!"

I've finally found a doctor who gives useful health and nutrition advice that makes sense!!!

Q: I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true?
A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it.... Don't waste them on exercise.
Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer.
That would be like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.
Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?
A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable slop.
Q: Is beer or wine bad for me?
A: Look, it goes to the earlier point about fruits and vegetables. As we all know, scientists divide everything in the world into three categories: animal, mineral, and vegetable.
We all know that beer and wine are not animal, and they are not on the periodic table of elements, so that only leaves one thing, right? My advice: Have a burger and a
beer and enjoy your liquid vegetables.
Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: Well, if you have a body and you have body fat, your ratio is one to one.
If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.
Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?
A: Can't think of a single one, sorry.My philosophy is: no Pain...Good!!
Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?
A: You're not listening. Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. In fact, they're permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you?
Q: What's the secret to healthy eating?
A: Thicker gravy.
Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?
A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.
Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
A: Are you crazy? Hello..... Cocoa beans.... Another vegetable!!! "It's the best feel good food around!"

Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets. Have a cookie... Flour is a veggie!

"When life hands you lemons, ask for a bottle of tequila and salt."

Sounds like my kind of doctor!

How Undressing Reveals Your Personality

Psychiatrist Dr. Frank Caprio gives the following breakdown:

HAPHAZARD UNDRESSER:
If you throw your clothes all over the house, you are a friendly,
life-of-the-party type. You are free with your thoughts and opinions,
not caring much about what others think of you.

METICULOUS UNDRESSER:
If you remove each piece of clothing and put it away carefully, you are
a serious person who likes life very calm. You are comfortable with
routine and you believe that the best way to deal with life's problems
is to prevent them in the first place.

SHOES AND SOCKS FIRST UNDRESSER:
You are perfectionist, very shy, observant, dependable, intense and
think before making decisions. You go about your tasks methodically,
with concentration. You know how to pay attention. SLOW UNDRESSER: If
you take off the shirt and ten minutes later get around to the pants,
you are extremely self-confident, intellectual, a deep thinker and don't
like to be hassled. Usually you like a lot of free time for yourself.

FAST UNDRESSER:
If you get out of your clothes as quickly as possible, you are concerned
about others and what they expect from you but you're worried about your
own needs. You are family-oriented and stay extremely busy.

JEWELRY OFF FIRST UNDRESSER:
If you take off your rings, watch, etc. before anything else, you are
warm, thoughtful, sensitive and romantic.

NEVER THE SAME WAY UNDRESSER:
If you never do it the same way twice, you are a very curious,
interesting person and you enjoy a broad range of activities. You take
risks and enjoy fun and adventure

verrrrry interesting

but...how can you get your pants off if you *don't* take off your shoes first????

From Langalist 5-14-03

Here's a little regional humor from reader Ken Thomson. It's aimed at Canadians, but can be adapted to almost any region. (And, before anyone lights the torches, let me gently point out that my wife's family is French-Canadian; I'd be nuts to include this, if it were anything but a not-to-be-taken-seriously joke... )

CANADIAN JOKE #1

After the North American Beer Festival, all the brewery presidents decided to go out for a beer. The guy from Corona sits down and says, "Hey Senor, I would like the world's best beer, a Corona." The bartender dusts off a bottle from the shelf and gives it to him. The guy from Budweiser says, "I'd like the best beer in the world, give me 'The King Of Beers', a Budweiser." The bartender gives him one. The guy from Coors says, "I'd like the only beer made with Rocky Mountain spring water, give me a Coors." He gets it. The guy from Molson sits down and says, "Give me a Coke." The bartender is a little taken aback, but gives him what he ordered. The other brewery presidents look over at him and ask, "Why aren't you drinking a Molson's?" The Molson president replies, "Well, I figured if you guys aren't drinking beer, neither would I."

CANADIAN JOKE #2

A Canadian is walking down the street with a case of beer under his arm. His friend Doug stops him and asks, "Hey Bob! Whacha get the case of beer for?" "I got it for my wife, eh." answers Bob. "Oh!" exclaims Doug, "Good trade."

CANADIAN JOKE #3

An Ontarian wanted to become a Newfie. He went to the neurosurgeon and asked, "Is there anything you can do to me that would make me into a Newfie?" "Sure it's easy." replied the neurosurgeon. "All I have to do is cut out 1/3 of your brain, and you'll be a Newfie." He was very pleased, and immediately underwent the operation. However, the neurosurgeon's knife slipped, and instead of cutting 1/3 of the patient's brain, the surgeon accidentally cut out 2/3 of the patient's brain. He was terribly remorseful, and waited impatiently beside the patient's bed as the patient recovered from the anesthetic. As soon as the patient was conscious, the neurosurgeon said to him "I'm terribly sorry, but there was a ghastly accident. Instead of cutting out 1/3 of your brain, I accidentally cut out 2/3 of your brain." The patient replied "Qu'est-ce que vous avez dit, monsieur?"

CANADIAN JOKE #4

One day an Englishman, an American, and a Canadian walked into a pub together. They proceeded to each buy a pint of Labatt Blue. Just as they were about to enjoy their beverages, three flies landed in each of their pints.

The Englishman pushed his beer away from him in disgust. The American fished the offending fly out of his beer and continued drinking it as if nothing happened. The Canadian picked the fly out of his drink and started shaking it over the pint, yelling, "SPIT IT OUT, SPIT IT OUT!"

ME

CerebroJD says "I AM CANADIAN"

The Speeding Ticket

After pulling a farmer over for speeding, a state trooper started to lecture him about his speed, pompously implying that the farmer didn't know any better and trying to make him feel as uncomfortable as possible. He finally started writing out the ticket, but had to keep swatting at some flies buzzing around his head.
The farmer said, "Having some problems with circle flies there are ya?"

The trooper paused to take another swat and said, "Well, yes, if that's what they are. I've never heard of circle flies."

The farmer was pleased to enlighten the cop. "Circle flies are common on farms. They're called circle flies because you almost always find them circling the back end of a horse."

The trooper continues writing for a moment, then says," Hey, are you trying to call me a horse's behind?"

"Oh no, officer." The farmer replies. "I have too much respect for law enforcement and police officers for that."

"That's a good thing," the officer says rudely, then goes back to writing the ticket.

After a long pause, the farmer added, "Hard to fool them flies, though."

A rather homely looking old man proposed to a younger, attractive woman...

She looked at him and wasn't much attracted physically but found his personality rather amusing and kindly and so she told him she'd wait on his proposal if he would... He eagerly agreed. Time went on and they got to know each other and he learned a lot from her which was unusual for the old man since he was her senior...time further went on and they shared much affection even though the old man was terribly jealous of the younger woman's interaction with other men and often pointed this out to her and made her publicly decry anyone who came near her.

This was hard for the young woman because often she had to humiliate herself publicly in order to prove herself to the old, homely man…time went on and finally the old man used everything he had learned from the young woman and had no use for her any longer and was happy to see her gone from his life so he could pretend he was the smart one and pretend that he had learned everything on his own that she’d taught him and when she was angry and hurt and bitter he finally chuckled deviously and replied, “Heck woman, I’m old and homely but I know better than to want a woman who is smarter, younger and better lookin’ than me! That’s just plain trouble!”

Cool link

http://www.solarnight.com/404.htm

haha

and there aren't americans over there either huh

HOW TO SING THE BLUES

1. Most Blues begin, "Woke up this morning."

2. " I got a good woman" is a bad way to begin the Blues, 'less you stick something nasty in the next line, like " I got a good woman, with the meanest face in town."

3. The Blues is simple. After you get the first line right, repeat it. Then find something that rhymes ... sort of: "Got a good woman - with the meanest face in town. Got teeth like Margaret Thatcher - and she weigh 500 pound."

4. The Blues are not about choice. You stuck in a ditch, you stuck in ditch; ain't no way out.

5. Blues cars: Chevys and Cadillacs and broken-down trucks. Blues don't travel in Volvos, BMWs, or Sport Utility Vehicles. Most Blues transportation is a Greyhound bus or a southbound train. Jet aircraft an' state-sponsored motor pools ain't even in the running. Walkin' plays a major part in the blues lifestyle. So does fixin' to die.

6. Teenagers can't sing the Blues. They ain't fixin' to die yet. Adults sing the Blues. In Blues, " adulthood" means being old enough to get the electric chair if you shoot a man in Memphis.

7. Blues can take place in New York City but not in Hawaii or any place in Canada. Hard times in St. Paul or Tucson is just depression. Chicago, St. Louis, and Kansas City still the best places to have the Blues. You cannot have the blues in any place that don't get rain.

8. A man with male pattern baldness ain't the blues. A woman with male pattern baldness is. Breaking your leg cuz you skiing is not the blues. Breaking your leg cuz an alligator be chomping on it is.

9. You can't have no Blues in an office or a shopping mall. The lighting is wrong. Go outside to the parking lot or sit by the dumpster.

10. Good places for the Blues: a. highway b. jailhouse c. empty bed d. bottom of a whiskey glass

Bad places: a. Ashrams b. gallery openings c. Ivy League institutions d. golf courses

11. No one will believe it's the Blues if you wear a suit, 'less you happen to be an old ethnic person, and you slept in it.

12. Do you have the right to sing the Blues?

Yes, if: a. you're older than dirt b. you're blind c. you shot a man in Memphis d. you can't be satisfied

No, if: a. you have all your teeth b. you were once blind but now can see c. the man in Memphis lived. d. you have a retirement plan or trust fund.

13. Blues is not a matter of color. It's a matter of bad luck. Tiger Woods cannot sing the blues. Gary Coleman could. Ugly white people also got a leg up on the blues.

14. If you ask for water and Baby give you gasoline, it's the Blues. Other acceptable Blues beverages are: a. wine b. whiskey or bourbon c. muddy water d. black coffee

The following are NOT Blues beverages: a. mixed drinks b. kosher wine c. Snapple d. sparkling water

15. If it occurs in a cheap motel or a shotgun shack, it's a Blues death. Stabbed in the back by a jealous lover is another Blues way to die. So is the electric chair, substance abuse, and dying lonely on a broken down cot. You can't have a Blues death if you die during a tennis match or getting liposuction.

16. Some Blues names for women: a. Sadie b. Big Mama c. Bessie d. Fat River Dumpling

17. Some Blues names for men: a. Joe b. Willie c. Little Willie d. Big Willie

18. Persons with names like Sierra, Sequoia, Auburn, and Rainbow can't sing the Blues no matter how many men they shoot in Memphis.

19. Make your own Blues name (starter kit): a. name of physical infirmity (Blind, Cripple, Lame, etc.) b. first name (see above) plus name of fruit (Lemon, Lime, Kiwi,etc.) c. last name of President (Jefferson, Johnson, Fillmore, etc.) For example, Blind Lime Jefferson, or Cripple Kiwi Fillmore, etc. (Well, maybe not "Kiwi.")

20. I don't care how tragic your life: you own a computer, you cannot sing the blues. You best destroy it. Fire, a spilled bottle of Mad Dog, or get out a shotgun. Maybe your big woman just done sat on it. I don't care.

That was excellent!!!