10 Signs Your Co-Worker Is A Hacker

You ticked him off once and your next phone bill was for $20,000.
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He's won the Publisher's Clearing House sweepstakes 3 years running.
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He placed bets that Justin would not win the first American Idol.
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When asked for his phone number, he gives it in hex.
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Seems strangely calm whenever the office system goes down.
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Somehow gets HBO on his PC at work.
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Mumbled, "Oh, puh-leeez" 95 times during the movie "The Net."
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Video dating profile lists "public-key encryption" among turn-ons.
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When his computer starts up, you hear, "Good Morning, Mr. President."
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You hear him murmur, "Let's see you use that Visa card now, dumbass."
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When you ask him to help you with a computer problem, he say's "Sure, that will be a picnic!"
(PICNIC in techy lingo stands for (Problem In Chair Not In Computer).

A lady walks into the drug store and asks the druggist for some arsenic.

The druggist ask's "Ma'am, what do you want with arsenic?".

The lady say's "To kill my husband."

I can't sell you any for that reason" says the druggist.

The lady then reaches into her purse and pulls out a photo of a man and a women in a compromising position, the man is her husband and the lady is the druggist's wife, and shows it to the druggist.

He looks at the photo and says . . .
. . . " Oh I didn't know you had a prescription!"

Ma and Pa were two hillbillies living in Arkansas out on the farm up in the hills. Pa has found out that the hole for the outhouse is full. He goes in the house and tells Ma he doesn't know what to do to empty the hole. Ma says,"Why don't you go ask the youngun down the road??? He must be smart because he is a college graduate."

So Pa drives down to the neighbors. He ask him " Mr. College graduate, my hole for the outhouse is full and I don't know what to do to empty it."

The youngun tells him, "Get yourself two sticks of dynamite, one with a short fuse and one with a long fuse. Light them both under the outhouse.

The first one will go off and shoot the outhouse in the air.

The second one will then go off and spread the poop all across your farm and fertilize your ground. The outhouse will then come back down to the same spot and you will have an empty hole for the outhouse."

Pa thanks the neighbor and picks up two sticks of dynamite at the hardware store, one with a short fuse and one with a long fuse.

He goes home and puts them under the corner of the outhouse.

He lights them and then runs behind a tree.

All of a sudden, Ma comes running out of the house and into the outhouse!!

BOOM!!

Off goes the first stick of dynamite and shoots the outhouse in the air.

BOOM!!

Off goes the second stick of dynamite and spreads it all across the farm.

The outhouse comes crashing back down on the hole.

Pa races to the outhouse, throws open the door and asks, "Ma, are you all right??!!"

As she pulls up her pants she says, "Yeah, but I'm sure glad I didn't fart in the kitchen."

Wow! thanks for taking up the slack in my absence, BBM!!
Great jokes Kim, CerebroJD, David Mandle & mrtee!!!!

This one is for the ladies...

Male Prostitute


A woman was sitting at a bar enjoying an after-work cocktail with some of her girlfriends when an exceptionally tall, handsome, extremely sexy young man entered. He was so striking that the woman could not take her eyes away from him.

The young man noticed her overly-attentive stare and walked directly toward her. Before she could offer her apologies for being so rude, the young man said to her, "I'll do anything, absolutely anything, that you want me to do, no matter how kinky, for $20, on one condition."

Flabbergasted, the woman asked, "What is the condition?"

The young man replied, "You have to tell me what you want me to do in just three words."

The woman considered his proposition for a moment, reached into her purse and slowly counted out four $5 bills, which she pressed into the young man's hand along with her address. She looked deeply into his eyes, and slowly, meaningfully said...

"Clean my house."

WOMEN'S TRAINING COURSES

Women think they already know everything, but wait...Training courses are now available for women on the following subjects:

1. Silence, the Final Frountier: Where No Woman Has Gone Before

2. The Undiscovered Side of Banking: Making Deposits

3. Parties: Going Without New Outfits

4. Man Management: Minor Household Chores Can Wait Till After The Game

5. Bathroom Etiquette I: Men Need Space in the Bathroom Cabinet Too.

6. Bathroom Etiquette II: His Razor is HIs

7. Communication Skills I: Tears - The Last Resort, not the First.

8. Communication Skills II: Thinking Before Speaking

9. Communication SKills III: gettings What you Want Withouth Nagging

10. Driving a Car Safely: A Skill You CAN Acquire

11. Telephone Skills: How to Hang Up

12. Introduction to Parking

13. Advanced Parking: Backing into a Space

14. Water Retention: Fact or Fat

15. Cooking I: Bringing Back Bacon, Eggs and Butter

16. Cooking II: Bran and Tofu are Not for Human Consumption

17. Cooking II: How not to Inflict Your Diets on Other People

18. Compliments: Accepting Them Gracefully

19. PMS: Your Problem ... Not His

20. Dancing: Why Men Don't Like To

21. Classic Clothing: Wearing Outfits You Already Have

22. Household Dust: A Harmless Natural Occrrence Only Women Notice

23. Integrating Your Laundry: Washing it All Together

24. Oil and Gas: Your Car Needs Both

25. Toilet seats...they go up and they go down...your choice.

I got this from a friend

Drivers


One hand on the wheel, one hand on the horn: New York City

One hand on wheel, one finger out window: Chicago

One hand on wheel, one hand on newspaper, foot solidly on accelerator: Boston

One hand on wheel, one hand cradling cell phone, brick on accelerator: California; Same as above, but with gun in lap: Los Angeles

Both hands on wheel, eyes shut, both feet on brake, quivering in terror: Ohio, but driving in California

Both hands in air, gesturing, both feet on accelerator, head turned to talk to someone in back seat: Italy

One hand on latte, one knee on wheel, one hand cradling cell phone, foot on brake, mind on game: Seattle

One hand on wheel, one hand on hunting rifle, alternating between both feet being on the accelerator and both on the brake, throwing a McDonald's bag out the window: male from urban Texas

One hand on wheel, one hand hanging out the window, keeping speed steadily at 70mph, driving down the centre of the road unless coming around a blind curve, in which case they are on the left side of the road: male from rural Texas

One hand constantly refocusing the rearview mirror to show different angles of the BIG hair, one hand going between mousse, brush, and rattail to keep the helmet hair going, both feet on the accelerator,poodle steering the car, chrome .38 revolver with mother of pearl inlaid handle in the glove compartment: female from Texas

Both hands on steering wheel in a relaxed posture, eyes constantly checking the rearview mirror to watch for visible emissions from their own or another's car: Colorado

Four wheel drive pickup truck, shotgun mounted in rear window, beer cans on floor, squirrel tails attached to antenna: West Virginia male

Junked, driven by someone who previously had a nice car and who is now wearing a barrel: Las Vegas

Two hands gripping wheel, blue hair barely visible above window level, driving 35 on the interstate in the left lane with the left blinker on: Florida

DM!

A Nine

I was meeting a friend in a bar, and as I went in, I noticed two pretty girls looking at me.

"Nine," I heard one whisper as I passed.

Feeling quite pleased with myself, I swaggered over to my buddy and told him a girl had just rated me a nine out of ten.

"I don't want to ruin it for you," he said, "but when I walked in, they were speaking German."

wtf?^^

"nine" in German = "no"

WOW! 930 posts! Good to see it still going strong!!!
I have been away.... still am for a while...
But i WILL return!!!! Ahahahahahahahahhaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa *cough*

Van Goghs

After much careful historical (hysterical?) research, it has
been discovered that the artist Vincent Van Gogh had many relatives.
Among them were:

His obnoxious brother
Please Gogh

His dizzy aunt
Verti Gogh

The brother who ate prunes
Gotta Gogh

The constipated uncle
Cant Gogh

The brother who worked at a convenience store
Stopn Gogh

The grandfather from Yugoslavia
U Gogh

The brother who bleached his clothes white
Hue Gogh

The cousin from Illinois
Chica Gogh

The cousin who wasn't allowed to leave
the country:
M. Barr Gogh

His magician uncle
Wheredid D. Gogh

His Mexican cousin
Ahmee Gogh

The Mexican cousin's anglo half brother
Grin Gogh

The nephew who drove a stagecoach
Wellsfar Gogh

The ballroom dancing aunt
Tan Gogh

A sister who loved disco
Go Gogh

The bird lover uncle
Flamin Gogh

His nephew psycoanalyst
E. Gogh

The fruit loving cousin
Man Gogh

An aunt who taught positive thinking
Wayto Gogh

The little bouncy nephew
Poh Gogh

And his niece who travels the country in a van
Winnie Bay Gogh

And so it goghs...

XALTEC!!! where ya been buddy?? We've missed ya!! Kim had been asking about ya but no one knew where ya disappeared to!!



No Milk Today!

http://www.solarnight.com/nomilk/nomilk.swf

MOO!

Mom's Dictionary


DICTIONARY

ALIEN:
What Mom would suspect had invaded her house if she spotted a child-sized creature cleaning up after itself.

BABY:
1) Dad, when he gets a cold.
2) Mom's youngest child, even if he's 42.

BATHROOM:
A room used by the entire family, believed by all (except Mom) to be self-cleaning.

"BECAUSE":
Mom's reason for having kids do things which can't be explained logically.

BED AND BREAKFAST:
Two things the kids will never make for themselves.

CAR POOL:
Complicated system of transportation where Mom always winds up going the furthest, with the biggest bunch of kids, who have had the most sugar.

COOK:
1) Act of preparing food for consumption.
2) Mom's other name.

DUST:
Insidious interloping particles of evil that turn a home into a battle zone.

ENERGY:
Element of vitality kids always have an oversupply of until asked to do something.

"EXCUSE ME":
One of Mom's favorite phrases, reportedly used in past times by children.

FABLE:
A story told by a teenager arriving home after curfew.

FOOD:
The response Mom usually gives in answer to the question, "What's for dinner tonight?"

GARBAGE:
A collection of refuse items, the taking out of which Mom assigns to a different family member each week, then winds up doing herself.

HANDI-WIPES:
Pants, shirt-sleeves, drapes, etc.

HANDS:
Body appendages which must be scrubbed raw with volcanic soap and sterilized in boiling water immediately prior to consumption of the evening meal.

ICE:
Cubes of frozen water which would be found in small plastic tray if kids or husbands ever filled the damn things instead of putting them back in the freezer empty.

"I SAID SO":
Reason enough, according to Mom.

JUNK:
Dad's stuff.

KETCHUP:
The sea of tomato-based goop kids use to drown the dish that Mom spent hours cooking and years perfecting to get the seasoning just right.

MAKEUP:
Lipstick, eyeliner, blush, etc., which ironically make Mom look better while making her young daughter look "cheap."

MAYBE:
No.

MILK:
A healthful beverage which kids will gladly drink once it's turned into junk food by the addition of sugar and cocoa.

"MOOOOOOMM!":
The cry of a child on another floor who wants something.

PANIC:
What a mother goes through when the darn wind-up swing stops.

OVERSTUFFED RECLINER:
Mom's nickname for Dad.

PENITENTIARY:
Where children who don't eat their vegetables or clean their rooms eventually end up,
according to Mom.

PIANO:
A large, expensive musical instrument which, after thousands of dollars worth of lessons and constant harping by Mom, kids will refuse to play in front of company.

PURSE:
A handbag in which Mom carries the checkbook and keys she can never find because they're buried under tissues, gum wrappers, a plastic container full of cereal, toys from a fast-food restaurant, a teddy bear, a football, wallpaper samples, a grocery list and several outdated coupons.

REFRIGERATOR:
Combination art gallery and air-conditioner for the kitchen.

SCHOOL PLAY:
Sadistic ritual in which adults derive pleasure from watching offspring stumble through coarse reenactments of famous historic events.

SNOWSUITS:
Warm, padded outer garments that, when completely zipped and snapped performs two important functions:
1) Protecting children from the cold and
2) reminding them that they have to go to the bathroom.

SOAP:
A cleaning agent Mom puts on the sink on the off-chance one of her kids will accidentally grab it while reaching for the towel.

SPIT:
All-purpose cleaning fluid especially good on kids' faces.

SUNDAY BEST:
Attractive, expensive children's clothing made of a fabric which attracts melted chocolate and grape juice.

TERRIBLE TWO'S:
Having both kids at home all summer.

TROUBLE:
Area of nonspecific space a child can always be sure to be in.

UMPTEENTH:
Highly conservative estimate of the number of times Mom must instruct her offspring to do something before it actually gets done.

UNDERWEAR:
An article of clothing, the cleanliness of which ensures the wearer will never have an accident.

VITAMINS:
Tiny facsimiles of cave people Mom forces you to swallow each morning as part of her
sinister plot to have you grow up to be "Just like Daddy."

WALLS:
Complete set of drawing paper for kids that comes with every room.

WASHING MACHINE:
Household appliance used to clean blue jeans, permanent ink markers, loose change, homework, tissues and wads of gum.

XOXOXOXO:
Mom salutation guaranteed to make the already embarrassing note in a kid's lunch box even more mortifying.

YARD SALE:
Heart-wrenching emotional process wherein Mom plans to sell kid's outdated toys and clothing that she decides at the last minute are treasured mementos she can't bear to part with.

"YIPPEE!":
What Mom would jump up and shout if the school year was changed to 12 months.

ZUCCHINI:
Vegetable which can be baked, boiled, fried or steamed before kids refuse to eat it.

#928 by Ph00ey - 5/10/2003 8:32:16 AM

Feeling quite pleased with myself, I swaggered over to my buddy and told him a girl had just rated me a nine out of ten. "I don't want to ruin it for you," he said, "but when I walked in, they were speaking German."

I am probably wrong, but in school, germans count like 1-6,
1 = 10, 6 = 0
nine = -3

Styl,

German- Nine English-No

English - One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine
German - Ein, zwei, drei, vier, fünf, sechs, sieben, acht, neun

They count just like everybody else and don't use a base 6 system...I think the only ones that might are cryptographers!

I'm sure some nice German user here can verify what I've just said.

The guy who no doubt was an English speaking gentleman thought the girls, who he later found out from his friend were German speaking, were rating him a "9" when actually they were only ruling him out as "potential".

If ya gotta explain 'em ya know you're dyin'!

Maybe I ought to clearify further..."Neun" is pronounced "Nine"

Genau Ph00ey! except "Nein" is "No" and neun is pronounced "noin".



cosmo-alpha lives in Hamburg and his German gets him slapped in 9 out of 10 beirgartens!
[Message Edited]

cosmo!! Thanks!