#836 is a classic....great stuff...

Some Easter Quickies...


Q: How should you send a letter to the Easter Bunny?
A: By hare mail!

Q: What do you need if your chocolate eggs mysteriously disappear?
A: You need an eggsplanation!

Q: How did the soggy Easter Bunny dry himself?
A: With a hare dryer!

Q: How is the Easter Bunny like Michael Jordan?
A: They're both famous for stuffing baskets!

Q: What's red and blue and sogs up your Easter basket?
A: Colored scrambled eggs!

Q: Did you hear about the farmer who fed crayons to his chickens?
A: He wanted them to lay colored eggs!

Q: What did one colored egg say to the other?
A: 'Heard any good yolks lately!'

Q: What's big and purple and hugs your Easter basket?
A: The Easter Barney!

Q: How does the Easter Bunny paint all of those eggs?
A: He hires Santa's elves during the off-season.

Q: What happened when the Easter Bunny met the rabbit of his dreams?
A: They lived hoppily ever after!

Q: Who delivers Easter treats to all the fish in the sea?
A: The Oyster Bunny!

Q: What will the Easter Bunny be doing after Easter?
A: One to three for breaking and entering.

Q: How do you catch the Easter Bunny?
A: Hide in the bushes and make a noise like a carrot!

Q: Did you hear the one about the fifty-pound jelly bean?
A: It's pretty hard to swallow!

Q: Did you hear the one about the Easter Bunny who sat on a bee?
A: It's a tender tail

Q: Why do we paint Easter eggs?
A: Because it's easier than trying to wallpaper them!

Q: Who is the Easter Bunny's favorite movie actor?
A: Rabbit De Niro!

Q: Does the Easter Bunny like baseball?
A: Oh, yes. He's a rabbit fan!

Q: What's pink, has five toes, and is carried by the Easter Bunny?
A: His lucky people's foot!

Q: What's long and stylish and full of cats?
A: The Easter Purrade!

Q: What has long ears, four legs, and is worn on your head?
A: An Easter bunnet!

HEAVENLY MARRIAGE

On their way to a justice of the peace to get married, this couple has a fatal car accident. The couple is sitting outside heaven's gate waiting on St. Peter to do an intake. In conversation while waiting, they wonder if they could possibly get married in Heaven.

St. Peter finally shows up and they ask him. St. Peter says, "I don't know, this is the first time anyone ever asked. "Let me go find out," and he leaves.

The couple sits for a couple of months and in conversation, they begin to wonder if they really should get married in Heaven, what with the eternal aspect of it all.

"What if it doesn't work out?, " they wonder, "Are we stuck together forever?"

St. Peter returns after yet another month, looking somewhat bedraggled. "Yes," he informs the couple, " you can get married in Heaven."

"Great," says the couple, "but what if things don't work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?"

St. Peter, red-faced, slams his clipboard onto the ground.

"What's wrong?" exclaims the frightened couple.

"Jeez!" St. Peter exclaims, "It took me three months to find a priest up here! Do you have any idea how long it's going to take for me to find a lawyer!?"

An 80 year woman married an 85-year-old man. After about six months together, the woman wasn't feeling well and she went to her doctor.

The doctor examined and said, "Congratulations Mrs. Jones, you're going to be a mother."

"Get serious doctor, I'm 80."

"I know," said the doctor, "This morning, I would have said it was impossible, but this afternoon you are a medical miracle."

"I'll be darned," she replied and stormed out of the office. She walked down the hall and around the corner to where the telephones were. In a rage, she dialed her husband.

"Hello" she heard in his familiar halting voice.

She screamed, "You rotten SOB. You got me pregnant!"

There was a pause on the line. Finally, her husband answered, "Who's calling please?."

Pleased to meet ya BoBoMoe! Great Jokes!


Signs That You Are Broke


1. American Express calls and says: "Leave home without it!"
2. Your idea of a 7-course meal is taking a deep breath outside a restaurant.
3. You're formulating a plan to rob the food bank.
4. You've rolled so many pennies, you've formed a psychic bond with Abe Lincoln.
5. Long distance companies don't call you to switch.
6. You think of a lottery ticket as an investment.
7. You give blood everyday...just for the orange juice.
8. McDonalds is the supplier of all your kitchen condiments.
9. At communion you go back for seconds.

You Know It's Time To Diet When....

1. You dance and it makes the band skip.
2. You are diagnosed with the flesh eating virus, and the doctor gives you 22 more years to live.
3. You put mayonnaise on an aspirin.
4. You go to the zoo and the elephants throw you peanuts.
5. Your driver's license says, "Picture continued on other side."
6. You ran away and they had to use all four sides of the milk carton for your picture.
7. You learn you were born with a silver shovel in your mouth.
8. You could sell shade.
9. Your blood type is Ragu.
10. You need an appointment to attend an ' open house'.

You Know The World Is Changing When...

1. The best golfer is black
2. The most popular rapper is white
3. The biggest guy in the NBA is Chinese
4. The French accuse the US of arrogance
5. And the Germans won't fight a war!

Good one David!

HILLBILLY LOVE POEM

Suzie Anne done fell in love;
She planned to marry Joe.
She was so happy 'bout it all
She told her Pappy so.

Pappy told her, "Susie gal,
You'll have to find another.
I'd just as soon yo'Ma don't know,
But Joe is yo'half brother"

So Susie put aside her Joe
And planned to marry Will.
But after telling Pappy this,
He said, "There's trouble still...

You can't marry Will, my gal.,
And please don't tell your Mother,
But Will and Jo and several mo'
I know is yo'half brother"

But Mama knew and said, "My child,
Just do what makes yo' happy.
Marry Will or marry Joe
You ain't no kin to Pappy.

A preacher wanted to raise money for his church and on being told that there was a fortune in horse -racing, decided to purchase one and enter it in the races. However, at the local auction, the going price for a horse was so high that he ended up buying a donkey instead. He figured that since he had it, he might as well go ahead and enter it in the races. To his surprise, the donkey came in third!
The next day the local paper carried this headline:

PREACHER'S ASS SHOWS

The preacher was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it in the race again, and this time it won.
The paper read:

PREACHER'S ASS OUT IN FRONT

The bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the preacher not to enter the donkey in another race. The paper headline read:

BISHOP SCRATCHES PREACHER'S ASS

This was too much for the bishop, so he ordered the preacher to get rid of the donkey. The preacher decided to give it to a nun in a nearby convent.
The paper headline the next day read:

NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN

The bishop fainted. He informed the nun that she would have to get rid of the donkey, so she sold it to a farmer for ten dollars. The next day the paper read:

NUN SELLS ASS FOR $10.00

This was too much for the bishop, so he ordered the nun to buy back the donkey and lead it to
the plains where it could run wild. The next day the headlines read:

NUN ANNOUNCES HER ASS IS WILD AND FREE

The bishop was buried the next day.

I live across the road from an Ass farm.

Whoa! BoBo!


TRUTHS


1. Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day; teach that person to use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks.

2. Some people are like Slinkies . . . not really good for anything, but you still can't help but smile when you see one tumble down the stairs.

3. I read recipes the same way I read science fiction. I get to the end and I think, "Well, that's not going to happen."

4. Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.

5. The other night I ate at a real family restaurant. Every table had an argument going.

6. Have you noticed since everyone has a camcorder these days no one talks about seeing UFOs like they use to.

7. According to a recent survey, men say the first thing they notice about a woman is their eyes, and women say the first thing they notice about men is they're a bunch of liars.

8. Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again.

9. All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.

10. Have you noticed that a slight tax increase costs you two hundred dollars and a substantial tax cut saves you thirty cents?

11. In the 60's people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.

12. Politics is supposed to be the second oldest profession. I have come to realize that it bears a very close resemblance to the first.

13. There is a theory which states that if ever anybody discovers exactly what the Universe is for and why it is here, it will instantly disappear and be replaced by something even more bizarre and inexplicable. There is another theory which states that this has already happened.

14. How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?

15. You read about all these terrorists--most of them came here legally, but they hung around on these expired visas, some for as long as 10-15 years. Now, compare that to Blockbuster: you're two days late with a video and those people are all over you. Let's put Blockbuster in charge of immigration.

A preist, a minister and a rabbi were discussing the methods they used to determnine what portion of the 'collection' they gave to the god and what portion they kept for themselves....

Priest: It's easy...First I draw a circle on the ground. Then I stand in the middle of it and throw the collection into the air. Everything that lands inside the circle I give to god and anything that lands outside the circle, I keep.

Minister: I do very much the same thing. I draw a circle on the ground. Then I stand in the middle of it and throw the collection into the air. Everything that lands inside the circle I keep and anything that lands outside the circle, I give to god.

Rabbi: I also do something similar. I draw a circle on the ground. Then I stand in the middle of it and throw the collection into the air. Whatever god wants, he keeps.

Had some catching up to do, but the vacation was worth it!

The Top 16 Poor Responses to the Question "Does This Make Me Look Fat?"


16> "Not to Stevie Wonder."

15> "Big time! That's why I'm sleeping with your best friend."

14> "Does this tie make me look stupid?"

13> "No way! You look *least* fat in that outfit!"

12> "I guess there's not much point in asking if you mean fat with an 'f' or phat with a 'ph.'"

11> "No hablo ingles."

10> "Yes, but it also makes you look like a pricey hooker, so things balance out."

9> "No, but taking it *off* sure does."

8> "If I answer that question, then the terrorists have won."

7> "Okay, listen: What's important is that you not focus in a negative way on the comparison I am about to make."

6> "Not if you were travelling at the speed of light."

5> "Yes, but in my country, obesity suggests prosperity."

4> "Let me jog around to your front and take a look."

3> "No, honey. But just to be safe, steer clear of one-legged sea captains."

2> "Whoa! A talking couch!!"


and the Number 1 Poor Response to the Question "Does This Make Me Look Fat?"...


1> "May I consult the Iraqi Minister of Information before answering that?"

*Kim*

How many men does it take to open a beer?
None. It should be opened by the time she brings it.

Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will
never be able to support you.

Why do women have smaller feet than men?
So they can stand closer to the kitchen sink.

How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?
When she starts her sentence with "A man once told me..."

How do you fix a woman's watch?
You don't. There's a clock on the oven.

Why do men pass gas more than women?
Because women won't shut up long enough to build up pressure.

If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?
The dog of course. At least he'll shut up after you let him in.

All wives are alike, but they have different faces so you can
tell them apart.

What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig?
A woman that won't do what she's told!

Ohhhh! Kim's gonna get you for that BoBo! Just when we had a truce going with the sex wars!
Speaking of which...good to see you back, Kim!


Bungee Jumping

Al and Joe are bungee-jumping one day. Al says to Joe, "you know, we
could make a lot of money running our own bungee-jumping service in Mexico."

Joe thinks its a great idea, so they pool their money and buy everything
they'll need; A tower, an elastic cord, insurance, etc.

They travel to Mexico and began to set it up on the square. As they
are constructing the tower a crowd begins to assemble. Slowly, more and
more people gathered to watch them work. When they had finished, there was
such a crowd they thought it would be a good idea to give the crowd a
demonstration. So Al jumps.

He bounces at the end of the cord, but when he comes back up, Joe notices
that he has a few cuts and scratches.

Unfortunately, Joe isn't able to catch him, and he falls again, bounces
again and comes back up again. This time he is bruised and bleeding, again
Joe misses him.

Al falls again and bounces back up. This time he comes back pretty messed
up. He's got a couple of broken bones and almost unconscious.

Luckily Joe catches him this time and says," what happened? was the
cord to long?" barely able to speak, Al gasps, " no, the bungee cord was
fine, it was the crowd, "WHAT THE HECK IS A PIÑATA?"

great one Ph00ey

The Cheap Suit

The fellow was being sold a very cheap suit.
"But the left arm is a lot longer than the right arm," he complained.

"That's why the suit is such a bargain," the sales clerk explained. "Just cock your left shoulder up a little, like this, and tuck this left lapel under your chin a bit, like this."

"But the right leg is way too short," argued the customer.

"No problem," the sales clerk answered. "Just keep your right knee bent a little at all times, walk like this, and no one will notice. That's why this suit is only thirty dollars."

Finally, the fellow bought the suit, cocked his left shoulder into the air, tucked the suit's left lapel under his chin, bent his right knee, and limped out of the store toward his car.

Two doctors happened along and noticed him.

"Good heavens," the first doctor said to the second, "look at that poor crippled fellow."

"Yeah," answered the second doctor.
"But doesn't that suit fit great?"

The 86 rules of bar drinking

1. If you owe someone money, always pay them back in a bar. Preferably during happy hour.

2. Always toast before doing a shot.

3. Whoever buys the shot gets the first chance to offer a toast.

4. Change your toast at least once a month.

5. Buying someone a drink is five times better than a handshake.

6. Buying a strange woman a drink is still cool. Buying all her drinks is dumb.

7. Never borrow more than one cigarette from the same person in one night.

8. When the bartender is slammed, resist the powerful urge to order a slightly-dirty, very-dry, in-and-out, super-chilled half-and-half martini with a lemon twist. Limit orders to beer, straight shots and two-part cocktails.

9. Get the bartender's attention with eye contact and a smile.

10. Do not make eye contact with the bartender if you do not want a drink.

11. Unacceptable things to say after doing a shot: Great, now I'm going to get drunk. I hate shots. It's coming back up.

12. Never, ever tell a bartender he made your drink too strong.

13. If he makes it too weak, order a double next time. He'll get the message.

14. If you offer to buy a woman a drink and she refuses, she does not like you.

15. If you offer to buy a woman a drink and she accepts, she still might not like you.

16. If she buys you a drink, she likes you.

17. If someone offers to buy you a drink, do not upgrade your liquor preference.

18. Always have a corkscrew in your house.

19. If you don't have a corkscrew, push the cork down into the bottle with a pen.

20. Drink one girly drink in public and you will forever be known as the guy who drinks girly drinks.


21. Our parents were better drinkers than we are.

22. Never talk to someone in the restroom unless you're doing the same thing-urinating, waiting in line or washing your hands.

23. Girls hang out, apply make-up, and have long talks in the bathroom. Men do not.

24. After your sixth drink, do not look at yourself in the mirror. It will shake your confidence.

25. It is only permissible to shout 'woo-hoo!' if you are doing a shot with four or more people.

26. If there is a d.j., you can request a song only once per night. If he doesn't play it within half an hour, do not approach him again. If he does play it, do not approach him again.

27. Learn how to make a rose out of a bar napkin. You'll be surprised how well it works.

28. If you can't afford to tip, you can't afford to drink in a bar. Go to the liquor store.

29. If you owe someone twenty dollars or less, you may pay them back in beer.

30. Never complain about the quality or brand of a free drink.

31. If you have been roommates with someone more than six months, you may drink all their beer, even if it's hidden, as long as you leave them one.

32. You can have a shot of their hard liquor only if the cap has been cracked and the bottle goes for less than $25.

33. The only thing that tastes better than free liquor is stolen liquor.

34. If you bring Old Milwaukee to a party, you must drink at least two cans before you start drinking the imported beer in the fridge.

35. Learn to appreciate hangovers. If it was all good times every jackass would be doing it.

36. If you ever feel depressed, get out a bartender's guide and browse through all the drinks you've never tried.

37. Try one new drink each week.

38. If your are the bar's sole customer, you are obliged to make small talk with the bartender until he stops acknowledging you. Then you're off the hook. The same goes for him.

39. Never tip with coins that have touched you. If your change is $1.50, you can tell the barmaid to keep the change, but once she has handed it to you, you cannot give it back. To a bartender or cocktail waitress, small change has no value.

40. If you have ever told a bartender, "Hey, it all spends the same," then you are a cheap ass.

41. Anyone on stage or behind a bar is fifty percent better looking.


42. You can tell how hard a drinker someone is by how close they keep their drink to their mouth.

43. A bar is a college, not a nursery. If you spill a beer, clean it up. If you break a glass, wait for a staff member to clean it up, then blame it on someone else.

44. Being drunk is feeling sophisticated without being able to say it.

45. It's okay to drink alone.

46. After three drinks, you will forget a woman's name two seconds after she tells you. The rest of the night you will call her "baby" or "darling".

47. Nothing screams 'nancy boy' louder than swirling an oversized brandy snifter.

48. Men don't drink from straws. Unless you're doing a Mind or Face Eraser.

49. If you do a shot, finish it. If you don't plan to finish it, don't accept it.

50. Never brood in a dance bar. Never dance in a dive bar.

51. Never play more than three songs by the same artist in a row.

52. Your songs will come on as you're leaving the bar.

53. Never yell out jukebox selections to someone you don't know.

54. Never lie in a bar. You may, however, grossly exaggerate and lean.

55. If you think you might be slurring a little, then you are slurring a lot. If you think you are slurring a lot, then you are not speaking English.

56. Screaming, "Someone buy me a drink!" has never worked.

57. For every drink, there is a five percent better chance you will get in a fight. There is also a three percent better chance you will lose the fight.

58. Fighting an extremely drunk person when you are sober is hilarious.

59. If you are broke and a friend is "sporting you", you must laugh at all his jokes and play wingman when he makes his move.

60. If you are broke and a friend is "making sport of you", you may steal any drink he leaves unattended.

61. Never rest your head on a table or bar top. It is the equivalent of voluntarily putting your head on a chopping block.

62. If you are trading rounds with a friend and he asks if you're ready for another, always say yes. Once you fall out of sync you will end up buying more drinks than him.

63. If you're going to hit on a member of the bar staff, make sure you tip well before and after, regardless of her response.

64. The people with the most money are rarely the best tippers.

65. Before you die, single-handedly make one decent martini.

66. Asking a bartender what beers are on tap when the handles are right in front of you is the equivalent of saying, "I'm an idiot."

67. Never ask a bartender "what's good tonight?" They do not fly in the scotch fresh from the coast every morning.

68. If there is a line for drinks, get your goddamn drink and step the hell away from the bar.

69. If there is ever any confusion, the fuller beer is yours.

70. The patrons at your local bar are your extended family, your fathers and mothers, your brothers and sisters. Except you get to sleep with these sisters. And if you're really drunk, the mothers.

71. It's acceptable, traditional in fact, to disappear during a night of hard drinking. You will appear mysterious and your friends will understand. If they even notice.

72. Never argue your tab at the end of the night. Remember, you're hammered and they're sober.

It's akin to a precocious five-year-old arguing the super-string theory with a physicist. 99.9% of the time you're wrong and either way you're going to come off as a jackass.

73. If you bring booze to a party, you must drink it or leave it.

74. If you hesitate more than three seconds after the bartender looks at you, you do not deserve a drink.

75. Beer makes you mellow, champagne makes you silly, wine makes you dramatic, tequila makes you felonious.

76. The greatest thing a drunkard can do is buy a round of drinks for a packed bar.

77. Never preface a conversation with a bartender with "I know this is going to be a hassle, but . . ."

78. When you're in a bar and drunk, your boss is just another guy begging for a fat lip. Unless he's buying.

79. If you are 86'd, do not return for at least three months.To come back sooner makes it appear no other bar wants you.

80. Anyone with three or more drinks in his hands has the right of way.

81. If you're going to drink on the job, drink vodka. It's the no-tell liquor.

82. There's nothing wrong with drinking before noon. Especially if you're supposed to be at work.

83. The bar clock moves twice as fast from midnight to last call.

84. A flask engraved with a personal message is one of the best gifts you can ever give. And make sure there's something in it.

85. On the intimacy scale, sharing a quiet drink is between a handshake and a kiss.

86. You will forget everyone of of these rules by your fifth drink.

Bud and Jim are a couple of drinking buddies who work as airplane mechanics in Atlanta, Georgia. One day the airport is fogged-in and they're stuck in the hanger with nothing to do.

Bud says, "Man, I wish we had something to drink."

Jim says, "Me, too. Y'know, I heard you can drink jet fuel and get a buzz.You wanna try it?"

So they pour themselves a couple of glasses of high octane hooch and get completely smashed.

The next morning Bud wakes up and is surprised at how good he feels. In fact, he feels great. No hangover. No bad side effects. Nothing. Then the phone rings. It's Jim.

Jim: Hey, how do you feel this morning?

Bud: I feel great. How about you?

Jim: I feel great, too. You don't have a hangover?

Bud: No, that jet fuel is great stuff, no hangovers, nothing. We oughta do this more often.

Jim: Yeah, well, there's just one thing....

Bud: What's that?

Jim: Have you farted yet?

Bud: No.

Jim: Well, don't, 'cause I'm in Phoenix.