SIGNS SHE HAS PMS

She stops reading Glamour and starts reading Guns and Ammo.
She considers chocolate a major FDA food group.
She puts on one of those pads with "wings," then flies off the roof laughing hysterically while riding a broom.
She's developed a new talent for spinning her head around in 360 degree circles.
She retains more water than Lake Superior.
She denies she's in a bad mood as she pops a clip into her semiautomatic and "chambers one."
She buys you a new T-shirt-----with a bulls-eye on the front.
You ask her to please pass the salt at the dinner table and she says,"All I ever do is give, give, give! AM I SUPPOSED TO DO EVERYTHING?"
She enrolls in the Lizzie Borden School of Charm.
She orders 3 Big Macs, 4 large fries, a bucket of Chicken McNuggets, and then mauls the manager because they're out of Diet Coke.

Two desert travelers rented a Camel from Hertz-Rent-a-Camel. Out in the
middle of the desert the camel stopped and laid down. The chaps could
not get it to arise no matter what they tried.

They stopped a passing Caravan and asked the leader to send out a Camel
Mechanic when they got to the nearest village.

A few hours later the Mechanic arrived. He looked in the Camel's mouth,
ears, and up its rectum. He went to his tool bag and pulled out a large
rubber headed sledge hammer. He raised this high in the air and brought
it down on the Camel's belly, as hard as he could.

Well, that Camel let a fart you could hear and smell as far away as 17
sand dunes. It then struggled to its feet.

"Ah ha!" the Mechanic said. "Just as I thought ... vapor locked!"
________________________________________________________________

A preacher became frustrated that a large part of his congregation was going water skiing on Sunday, rather than coming to church, so he told his wife, "This Sunday, I'm going to preach about the evils of water skiing on Sunday."
"What!" she exclaimed. "That's a silly thing to preach about!"
"I don't think so," he said, "it's a problem we need to address."
The next Sunday as they were driving to church, the wife asks the preacher what he was going to preach about.
"As I told you," he said, "I'm going to preach about the evils of water skiing on Sundays."
"That's idiotic!" the wife says. "First of all, it's a dumb sermon topic, and second, the people who need to hear it won't be in church! Why don't you preach about sex or something people are interested in?"
"Nope. The Lord wants me to preach about the evils of water-skiing on Sundays, and that's what I'm preaching about" he said firmly.
The wife says, "Well, I'm not going to sit through a stupid sermon like that. I'm staying in the car.
You can tell the congregation I'm sick or something."
And she stayed in the car.
As the preacher was walking from the car to his study at the church, he got to thinking maybe his wife was right, and he changed his mind and gave a brilliant extemporaneous sermon on the proper role of sex in modern society. When the service was over, one of the parishioners stopped by the preacher's car and said to the pastor's wife, "I'm sorry you're not feeling well this morning. Your husband gave the finest sermon today that he's ever given since coming to this parish." "I don't know why he thinks he's such an expert on the subject," the wife snapped. "He's only tried it twice, and he fell off both times."
*Kim*

Lunch with the President

George Bush and Dick Cheney are enjoying a celebration lunch at a fancy Washington restaurant. Their waitress approaches their table to take their order; she is young and very attractive. She asks Cheney what he wants ,and he replies, "I'll have the heart-healthy salad." Very good, sir," she replies, and turning to Bush she asks, "And what do you want, Mr. President?" Bush answers, "How about a quickie?".
Taken aback, the waitress slaps him and says, "I'm shocked and disappointed in you. I thought you were bringing in a new administration that was committed to high principles and morality. I'm sorry I voted for you." With that, the waitress departed in a huff. Cheney leans over to Bush, and says, Mr. President, I believe that's pronounced quiche...

Anatomy of a Relationship

Let's say a guy named Roger is attracted to a woman named Elaine. He
asks her out to a movie; she accepts; they have a pretty good time. A
few nights later he asks her out to dinner, and again they enjoy each
other's company. They continue to see each other regularly, and after a
while neither one of them is seeing anybody else.

And then, one evening when they're driving home, a thought occurs to
Elaine, and, without really thinking, she says it aloud: "Do you
realize that, as of tonight, we've been seeing each other for exactly
six months?!"

Suddenly, there is silence in the car. To Elaine, it seems like a very
loud silence. She thinks to herself: Geez, I wonder if it bothers him
that I said that. Maybe he's been feeling confined by our relationship;
maybe he thinks I'm trying to push him into some kind of obligation
that he doesn't want, or isn't sure of.

And Roger is thinking: Gosh. Six months.

And Elaine is thinking: But, hey, I'm not so sure I want this kind of
relationship, either. Sometimes I wish I had a little more space, so
I'd have time to think about whether I really want us to keep going the
way we are, moving steadily toward . . . I mean, where are we going?
Are we just going to keep seeing each other at this level of intimacy?
Are we heading toward marriage? Toward children? Toward a lifetime
together? Am I ready for that level of commitment? Do I really even
know this person?

And Roger is thinking: So that means it was...let's see...February when
we started going out, which was right after I had the car at the
dealer's, which means...lemme check the odometer...Whoa! I am way
overdue for an oil change here!

And Elaine is thinking: He's upset. I can see it on his face. Maybe
I'm reading this completely wrong. Maybe he wants more from our
relationship, more intimacy, more commitment; maybe he has sensed even
before I sensed it -- that I was feeling some reservations. Yes, I bet
that's it. That's why he's so reluctant to say anything about his own
feelings. He's sensitive. He's vulnerable. He's afraid of being
rejected.

And Roger is thinking: And I'm gonna have them look at the transmission
again. I don't care what those morons say, it's still not shifting
right. And they better not try to blame it on the cold weather this
time.. What cold weather? It's 87 degrees out, and this thing is
shifting like a garbage truck, and I paid those incompetent thieves
$600.

And Elaine is thinking: He's angry. And I don't blame him. I'd be
angry, too. God, I feel so guilty, putting him through this, but I
can't help the way I feel. I'm just not sure.

And Roger is thinking: They'll probably say it's only a 90- day
warranty. That's exactly what they're gonna say, the scumballs!

And Elaine is thinking: Maybe I'm just too idealistic, waiting for a
knight to come riding up on his white horse, when I'm sitting right
next to a perfectly wonderful person, a person I enjoy being with, a
person I truly do care about, a person who seems to truly care about
me. A person who is in pain because of my self-centered, schoolgirl
romantic fantasy.

And Roger is thinking: Warranty? They want a warranty? I'll give them
a warranty! I'll take their warranty and stick it right up their...

"Roger," Elaine says aloud.

"What?" says Roger, startled.

"Please don't torture yourself like this," she says, her eyes beginning
to brim with tears. "Maybe I should never have . . Oh God, I feel
so....." (She breaks down, sobbing.)

"What?" says Roger.

"I'm such a fool," Elaine sobs. "I mean, I know there's no knight. I
really know that. It's silly. There's no knight, and there's no horse."


"There's no horse?" says Roger.

"You think I'm a fool, don't you?" Elaine says.

"No!" says Roger, glad to finally know the correct answer.

"It's just that...It's that I...I need some time," Elaine says.

There is a 15-second pause while Roger, thinking as fast as he can,
tries to come up with a safe response. Finally he comes up with one
that he thinks might work.) "Yes," he says.

(Elaine, deeply moved, touches his hand.)

"Oh, Roger, do you really feel that way?" she says.

"What way?" says Roger.

"That way about time," says Elaine.

"Oh," says Roger. "Yes." (Elaine turns to face him and gazes deeply
into
his eyes, causing him to become very nervous about what she might
say next, especially if it involves a horse. At last she speaks.)
"Thank you, Roger," she says.

"Thank you," says Roger. Then he takes her home, and she lies on her
bed, a conflicted, tortured soul, and weeps until dawn, whereas when
Roger gets back to his place, he opens a bag of Doritos, grabs some
beer and pizza from the refrigerator, turns on the TV, and immediately
becomes deeply involved in a rerun of Gilligan's Island. A tiny voice
in the far recesses of his mind tells him that something major was
going on back there in the car, but he is pretty sure there is no way
he would ever understand what, and so he figures it's better if he
doesn't think about it. (This is also Roger's policy regarding world
hunger.)

The next day Elaine will call her closest friend, or perhaps two of
them, and they will talk about this situation for six straight hours.
In painstaking detail, they will analyze everything she said and
everything he said, going over it time and time again, exploring every
word, expression, and gesture for nuances of meaning, considering
every possible ramification. They will continue to discuss this
subject, off and on, for weeks, Maybe months, never reaching any
definite conclusions, but never getting bored with it, either.

Meanwhile, Roger, while playing racquetball one day with a mutual
friend of his and Elaine's, will pause just before serving, frown, and
say: "Norm, did Elaine ever own a horse?"

that's really funny ...and, unfortunately, probably more true than not

I know some of these have been around for awhile, but there are a couple I haven't seen yet. It's still funny what companies have to do to get around lawsuits.


Some examples of why the human race has probably evolved as far as possible.
These are actual instruction labels on consumer goods...

On Sears hairdryer:
Do not use while sleeping.
(Gee, that's the only time I have to work on my hair!)

On a bag of Fritos:
You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside.
(The shoplifter special!)

On a bar of Dial soap:
Directions: Use like regular soap.
(and that would be how?)

On some Swann frozen dinners:
Serving suggestion: Defrost. (But it's 'just' a suggestion!)

On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert: (printed on bottom of the box)
Do not turn upside down. (Too late! you lose!)

On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding:
Product will be hot after heating.
(Are you sure? Let's experiment.)

On packaging for a Rowenta iron:
Do not iron clothes on body.
(But wouldn't that save more time?)
(Whose body?)

On Boot's Children's cough medicine:
Do not drive car or operate machinery.
(We could do a lot to reduce the construction
accidents if we just kept those 5 year olds off those fork lifts.)

On Nytol sleep aid:
Warning: may cause drowsiness.
(One would hope!)

On a Korean kitchen knife:
Warning: keep out of children.
(hmm...something must have gotten lost in the translation...)

On a string of Christmas lights:
For indoor or outdoor use only.
(As opposed to use in outer space.)

On a food processor:
Not to be used for the other use.
(Now I'm curious.)

On Sainsbury's peanuts:
Warning: contains nuts.
(but no peas?)

On an American Airlines packet of nuts:
Instructions: open packet, eat nuts.
(somebody got paid big bucks to write this one...)

On a Swedish chainsaw:
Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands.
(Raise your hand if you've tried this...)

On a child's Superman costume:
Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly.
(Oh go ahead! That's right, destroy a universal childhood belief.)

On a plane bound for New York the flight attendant
approached a blonde sitting in the first class section
and requested that she move to economy since she did
not have a first class ticket. The blonde replied
"I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to New York
and I'm not moving."

Not wanting to argue with a customer the flight
attendant asked the co-pilot to speak with her. He
went to talk with the woman asking her to please move
out of the first class section. Again, the blonde
replied, "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to
New York and I'm not moving."

The co-pilot returned to the cockpit and asked the
captain what should he do. The captain said, "I'm
married to a blonde, and I know how to handle this."

He went to the first class section and whispered in
the blonde's ear. She immediately jumped up and ran
to the economy section mumbling to herself, "Why
didn't anyone just say so?"

Surprised, the flight attendant and the co-pilot
asked what he said to her that finally convinced
her to move from her seat. He said, "I told her
the first class section wasn't going to New York."

I'm off to Florida for Easter vacation today.
Thank you Ph00ey for the Disney and Universal Studio information.

See ya!

*Kim*

Human Resources Forms


In order to standardize our Human Resources forms we now use just 7
reasons for termination (Based on Snow White and the Seven Dwarves):

Happy: Had trouble putting nose to the grindstone. Too much time spent
telling jokes at the water cooler.

Doc: Left to pursue further schooling, in particular, Ph.D. work.

Sleepy: Chronically late for work. Caused many project delays.

Grumpy: Poor attitude toward work. Not a team player. Trouble with
early mornings.

Dopey: Made several critical errors at work costing the company money,
e.g., misappropriated company funds.

Sneezy: Recurrent, chronic illness has made it difficult for the
employee to complete work in a timely fashion.

Bashful: Lack of initiative. Not willing to make cold calls. Too often
let workplace disagreements simmer.

OTHERS
Jealous Queen: Heavy involvement in the occult not congruent with
organizational policies.

Snow White: Sexual misconduct, e.g., kissing strange men while under
some kind of trance.

Huntsman: Couldn't stand to be cooped up in the office all day.
Pursuing work with the National Forest Service.

COMPUTER PROBLEM REPORT FORM

In order to streamline the handling of problems within the system, please fill out the following questionnaire before sending it in for help. With your co-operation we should be able
to provide faster and more efficient fault resolution.

1. Describe your problem:
______________________________________________________

2. Now, describe the problem accurately:
______________________________________________________

3. Speculate wildly about the cause of the problem:
______________________________________________________
______________________________________________________
____________________________-_________________________

4. Problem Severity:
A. Minor__
B. Minor__
C. Minor__
D. Trivial__
5. Nature of the problem:
A. Locked Up__
B. Frozen__
C. Hung__
D. Shot__
6. Is your computer plugged in? Yes__ No__
7. Is it turned on? Yes__ No__
8. Have you tried to fix it yourself? Yes__ No__
9. Have you made it worse? Yes__
10. Have you read the manual? Yes__ No__
11. Are you sure you've read the manual? Yes__ No__
12. Are you absolutely certain you've read the manual? No__
13. Do you think you understood it? Yes__ No__
14. If 'Yes' then why can't you fix the problem yourself?
______________________________________________________

15. How tall are you? Are you above this line?
______________________________________________________

16. What were you doing with your computer at the time the problem occurred?
______________________________________________________

17. If 'nothing' explain why you were logged in.
______________________________________________________

18. Are you sure you aren't imagining the problem? Yes__ No__

19. How does this problem make you feel?
_____________________________________________________
20. Tell me about your childhood.
_____________________________________________________

21. Do you have any independent witnesses of the problem?
Yes__ No__

22. Can't you do something else, instead of bothering me?
Yes__

An old woman was taken to a gynecologist for the very
first time. The doctor was very thorough in his examination,
and of course the old woman was quite embarrassed. Finally,
the exam was over and the doctor told her to get dressed
and come in to his office to talk about his findings.

The old woman listened intently as the doctor gave her the
results. She then said she really only had one question for him.

The doctor said, "What is the question you have?"

"Tell me young man, does your mother know how you make a living?"

Humor from the doctors office.

A man comes into the ER and yells; "My wife's going to have her
baby in the cab!" I grabbed my stuff, rushed out to the cab, lifted the
lady's dress, and began to take off her underwear. Suddenly I noticed that there
were several cabs, and I was in the wrong one.
-Dr. Mark MacDonald, San Antonio, TX


At the beginning of my shift I placed a stethoscope on an elderly and
slightly deaf female patient's anterior chest wall. "Big breaths," I
instructed. "Yes, they used to be," remorsefully replied the patient.
-Dr. Richard Byrnes, Seattle, WA

One day I had to be the bearer of bad news when I told a wife that
her husband had died of a massive myocardial infarct. Not more than five minutes
later, I heard her reporting to the rest of the family that he had died of a
"massive internal fart."
-Dr. Susan Steinberg, Manitoba, Canada


I was performing a complete physical, including the visual acuity
test. I placed the patient twenty feet from the chart and began, "Cover your right
eye with your hand." He read the 20/20 line perfectly. "Now your left."
Again, a flawless read. "Now both," I requested. There was silence. He couldn't
even read the large E on the top line. I turned and discovered that he had
done exactly what I had asked; he was standing there with both his eyes
covered. I was laughing too hard to finish the exam.
-Dr. Matthew Theodropolous, Worcester, MA


During a patient's two-week follow-up appointment with his
cardiologist, he informed me, his doctor, that he was having trouble with one of his
medications. "Which one?" I asked. "The patch. The nurse told me to put on
a new one every six hours and now I'm running out of places to put it!" I
had him quickly undress and discovered what I hoped I wouldn't see. Yes, the
man had over fifty patches on his body! Now the instructions include removal of
the old patch before applying a new one.
-Dr. Rebecca St. Clair, Norfolk, VA


While acquainting myself with a new elderly patient, I asked, "How
long have you been bedridden?" After a look of complete confusion she answered
"Why, not for about twenty years-when my husband was alive."
-Dr. Steven Swanson, Corvallis, OR


I was caring for a woman from Kentucky and asked, "So, how's your
breakfast this morning?" "It's very good, except for the Kentucky Jelly. I
can't seem to get used to the taste,"the patient replied. I then asked to see the
jelly and the woman produced a foil packet labeled "KY Jelly."
-Dr. Leonard Kransdorf, Detroit, MI


And the winner is:
A new, young MD doing his residency was embarrassed performing
female pelvic exams. To cover his embarrassment he had unconsciously
formed a habit of whistling softly. The middle-aged lady upon whom he was
performing this exam suddenly burst out laughing and further embarrassed
him. He looked up from his work and sheepishly said, "I'm sorry. Was I
tickling you?" She replied, "No doctor, but the song you were whistling
was, 'I wish I was an Oscar Meyer Wiener.'"

Newest Medications for Women :

D A M I T O L
Take 2 and the rest of the world can go to hell for up
to 8 hours.

ST. M O M M A'S W O R T
Plant extract that treats mom's depression by
rendering preschoolers unconscious for up to six
hours.

E M P T Y N E S T R O G E N
Highly effective suppository that eliminates
melancholy by enhancing the memory of how awful they
were as teenagers and how you couldn't wait till they
moved out.

P E P T O B I M B O
Liquid silicone for single women. Two full cups
swallowed before an evening out increases breast size,
decreases intelligence, and improves flirting.

D U M E R O L
When taken with Peptobimbo, can cause dangerously low
I.Q. causing enjoyment of country western music.

F L I P I T O R
Increases life expectancy of commuters by controlling
road rage and the urge to flip off other drivers.

M E N I C I L L I N
Potent antibiotic for older women. Increases
resistance to such lines as, "You make me want to be a
better person ...can we get naked now?"

B U Y A G R A
Injectable stimulant taken prior to shopping.
Increases potency and duration of spending spree.

EXTRA STRENGTH BUY-ONE-ALL
When combined with Buyagra, can cause an
indiscriminate buying frenzy so severe the victim may
even come home with a Donnie Osmond CD or a book by
Dr. Laura

J A C K A S S P I R I N
Relieves headache caused by a man who can't remember
your birthday, anniversary or phone number.

A N T I-T A L K S I D E N T
A spray carried in a purse or wallet to be used on
anyone too eager to share their life stories with
total strangers.

S E X C E D R I N
More effective than Excedrin in treating the, "Not
now, dear, I have a headache," syndrome.

R A G A M E T
When administered to a husband, provides the same
irritation as ragging on him all weekend, saving the
wife the time and trouble of doing it herself.

A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can
see from her nameplate that the teller's name is Patricia
Whack. So he says, "Mrs. Whack, I'd like to get a loan to buy
a boat and go on a long vacation."

Patti looks at the frog in disbelief and asks how much he
wants to borrow.

The frog says $30,000.

The teller asks his name and the frog says that his name is
Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it's OK, he
knows the bank manager.

Patti explains that $30,000 is a substantial amount of money
and that he will need to secure some collateral against the
loan. She asks if he has anything he can use as collateral.

The frog says, "Sure. I have this," and produces a tiny pink
porcelain elephant, about half an inch tall that is bright pink
and perfectly formed.

Very confused, Patti explains that she'll have to consult with
the manager and disappears into a back office.

She finds the manager and says: "There's a frog called Kermit
Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow
$30,000. And he wants to use this as collateral." She holds up
the tiny pink elephant. "I mean, what the heck is this?"...

The bank manager looks back at her and says: "It's a knick
knack, Patti Whack. Give the frog a loan. His old man's a
Rolling Stone."

I don't get it.... or my english is to bad, or I'm just too dumb

Styl Skinner it's a play on words from a childrens song.

Discovered

Man discovered weapons, invented hunting.
Woman discovered hunting, invented furs.

Man discovered colors, invented painting.
Woman discovered painting, invented make-up.

Man discovered speech, invented conversation.
Woman discovered conversation, invented gossip.

Man discovered agriculture, invented food.
Woman discovered food, invented diet.

Man discovered friendship, invented love.
Woman discovered love, invented marriage.

Man discovered woman, invented sex.
Woman discovered sex, invented headache.

Man discovered trade, invented money.
Woman discovered money, and man was a complete mess after that.

nice one, ok so I understand why I was not getting the joke before...

Alcohol Warnings


Due to increasing products liability litigation, American beer brewers have accepted the suggestion that the following warning labels be placed immediately on all beer containers:


WARNING:
The consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not.

WARNING:
The consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like a retard.

WARNING:
The consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell you friends over and over again that you love them.

WARNING:
The consumption of alcohol may cause you to think you can sing.

WARNING:
The consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex-lovers are really dying for you to telephone them at four in the morning.

WARNING:
The consumption of alcohol may make you think you can logically converse with other members of the opposite sex without spitting.

WARNING:
The consumption of alcohol may make you think you have mystical Kung Fu powers, resulting in you getting your butt kicked.

WARNING:
The consumption of alcohol may cause you to roll over in the morning and see something really scary.

WARNING:*
The consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, smarter, faster and better looking than most people.

WARNING:
The consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing WITH you.

WARNING:
The consumption of alcohol may cause a disturbance in the time continuum, whereby gaps of time may seem to literally disappear.

WARNING:
The consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the heck happened to your bra.

WARNING:
The consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of inexplicable rug burns.

WARNING:
The consumption of alcohol may cause pregnancy.