Messageboard Joke Marathon
Sunday, January 19, 2003 by Mr_Ph00ey2u | Discussion: WinCustomize Talk
Ok...bring on your best or worst but leave everyone laughing 
Joke Rulez
1. Let's keep them PG. WC is a Family Place.
2. Links to Funny Pics or Flash files are welcome.
3. Throwing fruit and veggies at bad jokes is encouraged!
Joke Rulez
1. Let's keep them PG. WC is a Family Place.
2. Links to Funny Pics or Flash files are welcome.
3. Throwing fruit and veggies at bad jokes is encouraged!
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Acyddrop
Reply #862 Sunday, April 27, 2003 2:44 PM
Reply #862 Sunday, April 27, 2003 2:44 PM
father and his son go into the grocery store when they happen upon the condom aisle. The son asks his father why there are so many different boxes of condoms. The father replies, ''Well, you see that 3-pack? That's for when you're in high school. You have 2 for Friday night and 1 for Saturday night.''
The son then asks his father, ''What's the 6-pack for?''
The father replies, ''Well, that's for when you're in college. You have 2 for Friday night, 2 for Saturday night, and 2 for Sunday morning.''
Then the son asks his father what the 12-pack is for.
The father replies, ''Well, that's for when you're married. You have one for January, one for February, one for March, one for.....''
The son then asks his father, ''What's the 6-pack for?''
The father replies, ''Well, that's for when you're in college. You have 2 for Friday night, 2 for Saturday night, and 2 for Sunday morning.''
Then the son asks his father what the 12-pack is for.
The father replies, ''Well, that's for when you're married. You have one for January, one for February, one for March, one for.....''
Acyddrop
Reply #863 Sunday, April 27, 2003 2:44 PM
Reply #863 Sunday, April 27, 2003 2:44 PM
10 Things In Golf That Sound Dirty
1. Look at the size of his putter.
2. Oh, dang, my shaft's all bent.
3. You really wacked the hell out of that sucker.
4. After 18 holes I can barely walk.
5. My hands are so sweaty I can't get a good grip.
6. Lift your head and spread your legs.
7. You have a nice stroke, but your follow through leaves a lot to be desired.
8. Just turn your back and drop it.
9. Hold up. I've got to wash my balls.
10. Damn, I missed the hole again.
1. Look at the size of his putter.
2. Oh, dang, my shaft's all bent.
3. You really wacked the hell out of that sucker.
4. After 18 holes I can barely walk.
5. My hands are so sweaty I can't get a good grip.
6. Lift your head and spread your legs.
7. You have a nice stroke, but your follow through leaves a lot to be desired.
8. Just turn your back and drop it.
9. Hold up. I've got to wash my balls.
10. Damn, I missed the hole again.
Acyddrop
Reply #864 Sunday, April 27, 2003 2:45 PM
Reply #864 Sunday, April 27, 2003 2:45 PM
Two gas men were out checking meters in a residential
neighborhood one day. They parked the truck at the end of
the street and worked their way up the street. At the last
house, a woman watched from her kitchen window as they
checked her meter.
Finally finishing their work, the older man, a supervisor,
challenged the younger man, his trainee, to a race back to
their truck, wanting to prove that an older man could still
beat a younger man.
They raced back to the truck, with the supervisor holding a
lead, when they noticed that the woman from the last house
was racing up behind them. They stopped until she caught up
and asked what was wrong.
As she gasped for breath, she said, "When I saw you two gas
men running as hard as you could, I figured I'd better run
too!"
neighborhood one day. They parked the truck at the end of
the street and worked their way up the street. At the last
house, a woman watched from her kitchen window as they
checked her meter.
Finally finishing their work, the older man, a supervisor,
challenged the younger man, his trainee, to a race back to
their truck, wanting to prove that an older man could still
beat a younger man.
They raced back to the truck, with the supervisor holding a
lead, when they noticed that the woman from the last house
was racing up behind them. They stopped until she caught up
and asked what was wrong.
As she gasped for breath, she said, "When I saw you two gas
men running as hard as you could, I figured I'd better run
too!"
Acyddrop
Reply #865 Sunday, April 27, 2003 2:49 PM
Reply #865 Sunday, April 27, 2003 2:49 PM
A woman police officer was in the process of placing a drunk driver
under arrest. She started reading him his Miranda
Rights.
She said "You are under arrest. Anything you say can, and will, be held
against you".
The drunk replied: " Tits".
under arrest. She started reading him his Miranda
Rights.
She said "You are under arrest. Anything you say can, and will, be held
against you".
The drunk replied: " Tits".
Acyddrop
Reply #866 Sunday, April 27, 2003 2:51 PM
Reply #866 Sunday, April 27, 2003 2:51 PM
A wealthy lawyer was riding in the back of his limo one day
when he noticed two men at the side of the road eating
grass. He told the driver to pull over and got out to
investigate. "Why are you eating grass?" he asked the first man.
"We have no money for food," the poor man replied.
"Well, come with me then," instructed the lawyer.
"But sir, I have a wife and two children!" the man said.
"Bring them along," replied the lawyer. "And what about
you?" he asked, turning to the other man.
"I have a wife and six children!" the second man answered,
with his head hung low.
"Bring them all!" the lawyer ordered. The two families
climbed into his limo and stared at him with gratitude.
"Sir, you are very kind. Thank you for taking all of us
with you.
"No problem," the lawyer replied. "The grass at my house is
almost a foot tall!"
when he noticed two men at the side of the road eating
grass. He told the driver to pull over and got out to
investigate. "Why are you eating grass?" he asked the first man.
"We have no money for food," the poor man replied.
"Well, come with me then," instructed the lawyer.
"But sir, I have a wife and two children!" the man said.
"Bring them along," replied the lawyer. "And what about
you?" he asked, turning to the other man.
"I have a wife and six children!" the second man answered,
with his head hung low.
"Bring them all!" the lawyer ordered. The two families
climbed into his limo and stared at him with gratitude.
"Sir, you are very kind. Thank you for taking all of us
with you.
"No problem," the lawyer replied. "The grass at my house is
almost a foot tall!"
cosmo-alpha
Reply #867 Sunday, April 27, 2003 3:12 PM
Reply #867 Sunday, April 27, 2003 3:12 PM
Other Axis of Evil Wannabes, by John Cleese
Bitter after being snubbed for membership in the “Axis of Evil”, Libya,
China, and Syria today announced they had formed the "Axis of Just as Evil,"
which they said would be more evil than that stupid Iran-Iraq-North Korea axis
President Bush warned of in his State of the Union address. Axis of Evil
members, however, immediately dismissed the new axis as having, for
starters, a really dumb name. "Right, they are Just as Evil... in their dreams!" declared North Korean leader Kim Jong-il. "Everybody knows we're the best evils... best at being evil...we're the best." Diplomats from Syria denied they were jealous over being excluded, although they conceded they did ask if they could join the Axis of Evil. "They told us it was full," said Syrian President Bashar al-Assad. An Axis can't have more than three countries," explained Iraqi President Saddam Hussein. "This is not my rule, its tradition. In World War II you had Germany, Italy, and Japan in the evil Axis. So you can only have three, and a secret handshake. Ours is wicked cool."
International reaction to Bush's "Axis of Evil" declaration was swift, as within minutes, France surrendered. Elsewhere, peer-conscious nations rushed to gain triumvirate status in what became a game of geopolitical chairs. Cuba, Sudan, and Serbia said they had formed the "Axis of Somewhat Evil”, forcing Somalia to join with Uganda and Myanmar in the “Axis of Occasionally Evil”, while Bulgaria, Indonesia and Russia established the “Axis of Not So Much Evil Really As Just Generally Disagreeable”. With the criteria suddenly expanded and all the desirable clubs filling up, Sierra Leone, El Salvador, and Rwanda applied to be called the "Axis of Countries That Aren't the Worst, But Certainly Won't Be Asked to Host the Olympics." Canada, Mexico, and Australia formed the "Axis of Nations That Are Actually Quite Nice, But Secretly Have Some Nasty Thoughts About America".
Meanwhile Scotland, New Zealand and Spain established the "Axis of Countries That Be Allowed to Ask Sheep to Wear Lipstick". "That's not a threat, really, just something we like to do," said Scottish Executive First Minister Jack McConnell.
While wondering if the other nations of the world weren't perhaps making
fun of him, a cautious Bush granted approval for most axes, although he rejected
the establishment of the "Axis of Countries Whose Names End in 'Guay'," accusing one of its members of filing a false application. Officials from
Paraguay, Uruguay, and Chadguay denied the charges. Israel, meanwhile, insisted it didn't want to join any Axis, but privately, world leaders said that's only because no one asked them.
Bitter after being snubbed for membership in the “Axis of Evil”, Libya,
China, and Syria today announced they had formed the "Axis of Just as Evil,"
which they said would be more evil than that stupid Iran-Iraq-North Korea axis
President Bush warned of in his State of the Union address. Axis of Evil
members, however, immediately dismissed the new axis as having, for
starters, a really dumb name. "Right, they are Just as Evil... in their dreams!" declared North Korean leader Kim Jong-il. "Everybody knows we're the best evils... best at being evil...we're the best." Diplomats from Syria denied they were jealous over being excluded, although they conceded they did ask if they could join the Axis of Evil. "They told us it was full," said Syrian President Bashar al-Assad. An Axis can't have more than three countries," explained Iraqi President Saddam Hussein. "This is not my rule, its tradition. In World War II you had Germany, Italy, and Japan in the evil Axis. So you can only have three, and a secret handshake. Ours is wicked cool."
International reaction to Bush's "Axis of Evil" declaration was swift, as within minutes, France surrendered. Elsewhere, peer-conscious nations rushed to gain triumvirate status in what became a game of geopolitical chairs. Cuba, Sudan, and Serbia said they had formed the "Axis of Somewhat Evil”, forcing Somalia to join with Uganda and Myanmar in the “Axis of Occasionally Evil”, while Bulgaria, Indonesia and Russia established the “Axis of Not So Much Evil Really As Just Generally Disagreeable”. With the criteria suddenly expanded and all the desirable clubs filling up, Sierra Leone, El Salvador, and Rwanda applied to be called the "Axis of Countries That Aren't the Worst, But Certainly Won't Be Asked to Host the Olympics." Canada, Mexico, and Australia formed the "Axis of Nations That Are Actually Quite Nice, But Secretly Have Some Nasty Thoughts About America".
Meanwhile Scotland, New Zealand and Spain established the "Axis of Countries That Be Allowed to Ask Sheep to Wear Lipstick". "That's not a threat, really, just something we like to do," said Scottish Executive First Minister Jack McConnell.
While wondering if the other nations of the world weren't perhaps making
fun of him, a cautious Bush granted approval for most axes, although he rejected
the establishment of the "Axis of Countries Whose Names End in 'Guay'," accusing one of its members of filing a false application. Officials from
Paraguay, Uruguay, and Chadguay denied the charges. Israel, meanwhile, insisted it didn't want to join any Axis, but privately, world leaders said that's only because no one asked them.
Tecumseh
Reply #868 Sunday, April 27, 2003 3:20 PM
Reply #868 Sunday, April 27, 2003 3:20 PM
High Tech Competition
Three men, one German, one Japanese and a Texan were sitting naked in a sauna. Suddenly there was a beeping sound.
The German pressed his forearm and the beep stopped. The others looked at him questioningly. "That was my pager, "he said, "I have a microchip under the skin of my arm."
A few minutes later a phone rang.
The Japanese fellow lifted his palm to his ear. When he finished he explained, "That was my mobile phone. I have a microchip in my hand."
The Texan felt decidedly low tech, but not to be outdone he decided he had to do something just as impressive. He stepped out of the sauna and went to the bathroom. He returned with a piece of toilet paper hanging from his behind.
The others raised their eyebrows and stared at him. The Texan finally said-------"Well, will you look at that, I'm getting a fax."
Three men, one German, one Japanese and a Texan were sitting naked in a sauna. Suddenly there was a beeping sound.
The German pressed his forearm and the beep stopped. The others looked at him questioningly. "That was my pager, "he said, "I have a microchip under the skin of my arm."
A few minutes later a phone rang.
The Japanese fellow lifted his palm to his ear. When he finished he explained, "That was my mobile phone. I have a microchip in my hand."
The Texan felt decidedly low tech, but not to be outdone he decided he had to do something just as impressive. He stepped out of the sauna and went to the bathroom. He returned with a piece of toilet paper hanging from his behind.
The others raised their eyebrows and stared at him. The Texan finally said-------"Well, will you look at that, I'm getting a fax."
Tecumseh
Reply #869 Sunday, April 27, 2003 3:24 PM
Good luck, Mr. Gorsky
When Apollo Mission Astronaut Neil Armstrong first walked on the moon, he not only gave his famous "One small step for man, one giant leap for mankind" statement but followed it by several remarks, usual com traffic between him, the other astronauts and Mission Control. Just before he re-entered the lander, however, he made the enigmatic remark "Good luck, Mr. Gorsky." Many people at NASA thought it was a casual remark concerning some rival Soviet Cosmonaut. However, upon checking, there was no Gorsky in either the Russian or American space programs. Over the years many people questioned Armstrong as to what the "Good luck Mr. Gorsky" statement meant, but Armstrong always just smiled. A few years back, (on July 5, 1995 in Tampa Bay FL) while answering questions following a speech, a reporter brought up the 26 year old question to Armstrong. This time he finally responded. Mr. Gorsky had finally died and so Neil Armstrong felt he could answer the question. When he was a kid, he was playing baseball with a friend in the backyard. His friend hit a fly ball which landed in the front of his neighbor's bedroom windows. His neighbors were Mr. & Mrs. Gorsky. As he leaned down to pick up the ball, young Armstrong heard Gorsky shouting at Mr. Gorsky. "Oral sex! You want oral sex?! You'll get oral sex when the kid next door walks on the moon!" (Supposedly a true story)
Reply #869 Sunday, April 27, 2003 3:24 PM
Good luck, Mr. Gorsky
When Apollo Mission Astronaut Neil Armstrong first walked on the moon, he not only gave his famous "One small step for man, one giant leap for mankind" statement but followed it by several remarks, usual com traffic between him, the other astronauts and Mission Control. Just before he re-entered the lander, however, he made the enigmatic remark "Good luck, Mr. Gorsky." Many people at NASA thought it was a casual remark concerning some rival Soviet Cosmonaut. However, upon checking, there was no Gorsky in either the Russian or American space programs. Over the years many people questioned Armstrong as to what the "Good luck Mr. Gorsky" statement meant, but Armstrong always just smiled. A few years back, (on July 5, 1995 in Tampa Bay FL) while answering questions following a speech, a reporter brought up the 26 year old question to Armstrong. This time he finally responded. Mr. Gorsky had finally died and so Neil Armstrong felt he could answer the question. When he was a kid, he was playing baseball with a friend in the backyard. His friend hit a fly ball which landed in the front of his neighbor's bedroom windows. His neighbors were Mr. & Mrs. Gorsky. As he leaned down to pick up the ball, young Armstrong heard Gorsky shouting at Mr. Gorsky. "Oral sex! You want oral sex?! You'll get oral sex when the kid next door walks on the moon!" (Supposedly a true story)
Tecumseh
Reply #870 Sunday, April 27, 2003 3:27 PM
Reply #870 Sunday, April 27, 2003 3:27 PM
Visually Challenged
Two women were out for a Saturday stroll. One had a Doberman pincher and the other had a Chihuahua. As they sauntered down the street, the one with the Doberman said to her friend, "Let's go over to that bar and get something to drink."
The one with the Chihuahua said, "We can't go in there. We've got dogs with us."
The one with the Doberman said, "Just follow my lead." They walked over to the bar and the one with the Doberman put on a pair of dark glasses and started to walk in.
The bouncer at the door said, "Sorry, Lady, no pets allowed."
The woman with the Doberman said, "You don't understand. This is my Seeing-Eye dog."
The bouncer said, "A Doberman pincher?"
The woman said, "Yes, they're using them now. They're very good."
The bouncer said, "OK, come on in."
The lady with the Chihuahua figured 'what the heck', so she put on a pair of dark glasses and started to walk in.
Once again the bouncer said, "Sorry, lady, no pets allowed."
The one with the Chihuahua said, "You don't understand. This is my Seeing-Eye dog."
The bouncer said, "A Chihuahua?"
The woman with the Chihuahua said, "A Chihuahua? They gave me a fucking Chihuahua?!"
Two women were out for a Saturday stroll. One had a Doberman pincher and the other had a Chihuahua. As they sauntered down the street, the one with the Doberman said to her friend, "Let's go over to that bar and get something to drink."
The one with the Chihuahua said, "We can't go in there. We've got dogs with us."
The one with the Doberman said, "Just follow my lead." They walked over to the bar and the one with the Doberman put on a pair of dark glasses and started to walk in.
The bouncer at the door said, "Sorry, Lady, no pets allowed."
The woman with the Doberman said, "You don't understand. This is my Seeing-Eye dog."
The bouncer said, "A Doberman pincher?"
The woman said, "Yes, they're using them now. They're very good."
The bouncer said, "OK, come on in."
The lady with the Chihuahua figured 'what the heck', so she put on a pair of dark glasses and started to walk in.
Once again the bouncer said, "Sorry, lady, no pets allowed."
The one with the Chihuahua said, "You don't understand. This is my Seeing-Eye dog."
The bouncer said, "A Chihuahua?"
The woman with the Chihuahua said, "A Chihuahua? They gave me a fucking Chihuahua?!"
cosmo-alpha
Reply #871 Sunday, April 27, 2003 7:47 PM
Reply #871 Sunday, April 27, 2003 7:47 PM
The woman's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she had stayed by his bedside every single day. One day, when he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer. As she sat by him, he whispered, eyes full of tears, "You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you stayed right here. When my health started failing, you were still by my side. You know what?" "What, dear?" She gently asked, smiling as her heart began to fill with warmth. "I think you're bad luck."
cosmo-alpha
Reply #872 Sunday, April 27, 2003 7:48 PM
Reply #872 Sunday, April 27, 2003 7:48 PM
Two foreign immigrants have just arrived in the United States by boat and one says to the other, "I hear that the people of this country actually eat dogs." "Odd," her companion replies, "But if we shall live in America, we might as well do as the Americans do." Nodding emphatically, one of the immigrants points to a hot dog vendor and they both walk toward the cart. "Two dogs, please," she says. The vendor is only too pleased to oblige, wraps both hot dogs in foil and hands them over the counter. Excited, the companions hurry to a bench and begin to unwrap their "dogs." One of them opens the foil and begins to blush. Staring at it for a moment, she turns to her friend and whispers cautiously, "What part did you get?"
cosmo-alpha
Reply #873 Sunday, April 27, 2003 7:49 PM
Reply #873 Sunday, April 27, 2003 7:49 PM
A professor at Auburn University was giving a lecture on the supernatural. To get a feel for his audience, he asked, "How many people here believe in ghosts?" About 90 students raised their hands. "Well, that's a good start. Out of those of you who believe in ghosts, do any of you think you've seen a ghost?" About 40 students raised their hands. "That's really good. I'm really glad you take this seriously. Has anyone here ever talked to a ghost?" Fifteen students raised their hands. "Has anyone here ever touched a ghost?" Three students raised their hands. "That's fantastic. Now let me ask you one more question—have any of you ever made love to a ghost?" Billy Bob, way in the back raised his hand. The professor took off his glasses, peers toward the back of the room and says, "Son, in all the years I've been teaching this class, no one has claimed to have made love to a ghost. You've got to come up here and tell us about your experience." The redneck student replied with a nod and a grin, and made his way to the lectern. As he reached the front of the room, the professor said, "Well, now, tell us what it's like to have sex with a ghost?" Billy Bob replied, "Dang! From way back there I thought you said 'goats'!"
cosmo-alpha
Reply #874 Sunday, April 27, 2003 7:51 PM
Reply #874 Sunday, April 27, 2003 7:51 PM
And for the last good one I know:
There are 10 kinds of people in the world—those who get binary and those who don't.
There are 10 kinds of people in the world—those who get binary and those who don't.
BoBoMoe
Reply #875 Monday, April 28, 2003 8:18 AM
Reply #875 Monday, April 28, 2003 8:18 AM
Three women were about to be executed. One was a
brunette, one a redhead, and the other a blonde.
The guard brought the first woman, the brunette,
forward and the executioner asked if she had any
last requests. She said no and the executioner shouted:
"... Ready ... Aim ... !! and suddenly the brunette
yelled, "EARTHQUAKE!" Everyone was startled and looked
around. She escaped.
So they brought up the redhead and asked if she had
any last requests. She said no, and the executioner
shouted: "... Ready ... Aim ...!! and suddenly the
redhead yelled "TORNADO!" Everyone was startled and
looked around. She escaped.
Well, by now, the blonde had it all figured out.
They brought her forward and the executioner asked
if she had any last requests. She said no and the
executioner shouted: "... Ready ... Aim ... !! and
the blonde yelled, "FIRE!"
brunette, one a redhead, and the other a blonde.
The guard brought the first woman, the brunette,
forward and the executioner asked if she had any
last requests. She said no and the executioner shouted:
"... Ready ... Aim ... !! and suddenly the brunette
yelled, "EARTHQUAKE!" Everyone was startled and looked
around. She escaped.
So they brought up the redhead and asked if she had
any last requests. She said no, and the executioner
shouted: "... Ready ... Aim ...!! and suddenly the
redhead yelled "TORNADO!" Everyone was startled and
looked around. She escaped.
Well, by now, the blonde had it all figured out.
They brought her forward and the executioner asked
if she had any last requests. She said no and the
executioner shouted: "... Ready ... Aim ... !! and
the blonde yelled, "FIRE!"
Kimbabe
Reply #876 Monday, April 28, 2003 9:58 AM
BoBoMoe!
Things You'll Never Hear In A Western Movie:
"Hey, Buck, do these chaps make my ass look big?"
"I reckon I'll have me a half-caf double latte with a wist.
"Injuns! Quick, pull the wagons into an irregular dodecagon!"
"That's him! That's the yella-bellied varmint who shot my therapist!"
"Can wepostpone this duel till 12:05? I gotta use the little boys room."
"Hang him high, boys!! ...Okay, now a little to the left....Oooh! Stop right there. Perfect!"
"Y'know, Badlands Pete... a roaring campfire, good coffee, nice prairie breeze, just you 'n' me... what say we put on the rhinestone gowns and dance a jig or two?"
"Let's see... hardtack and pemmican... let's see, that's three grams of fat, seven grams of protein, and two starches."
"You 'n' Slim round up them strays, and I'll tell Cookie to get started on the gazpacho and the fondue."
*Kim*
Reply #876 Monday, April 28, 2003 9:58 AM
BoBoMoe!Things You'll Never Hear In A Western Movie:
"Hey, Buck, do these chaps make my ass look big?"
"I reckon I'll have me a half-caf double latte with a wist.
"Injuns! Quick, pull the wagons into an irregular dodecagon!"
"That's him! That's the yella-bellied varmint who shot my therapist!"
"Can wepostpone this duel till 12:05? I gotta use the little boys room."
"Hang him high, boys!! ...Okay, now a little to the left....Oooh! Stop right there. Perfect!"
"Y'know, Badlands Pete... a roaring campfire, good coffee, nice prairie breeze, just you 'n' me... what say we put on the rhinestone gowns and dance a jig or two?"
"Let's see... hardtack and pemmican... let's see, that's three grams of fat, seven grams of protein, and two starches."
"You 'n' Slim round up them strays, and I'll tell Cookie to get started on the gazpacho and the fondue."
*Kim*
Tecumseh
Reply #877 Monday, April 28, 2003 1:05 PM
Reply #877 Monday, April 28, 2003 1:05 PM
Fine Art
A couple attending an art exhibition at the National Gallery were staring at a portrait that had them completely confused. The painting depicted three very black and totally naked men sitting on a bench. Two of the figures had black penises, but the one in the middle had a pink penis.
The curator of the gallery realized that they were having trouble interpreting the painting and offered his assessment. He went on for nearly half an hour explaining how it depicted the sexual emasculation of African-Americans in a predominately white, patriarchal society.
"In fact," he pointed out, "some serious critics believe that the pink penis also reflects the cultural and sociological oppression experienced by gay men in contemporary society."
After the curator left, a Scottish man approached the couple and said, "Would you like to know what the painting is really about?"
"Now why would you claim to be more of an expert than the curator of the gallery?" asked the couple.
"Because I'm the guy who painted it," he replied.
"In fact, there are no African-Americans depicted at all. The lads are three Scottish coal-miners who just got off shift and are about to shower. As for the guy in the middle, he went home for lunch."
A couple attending an art exhibition at the National Gallery were staring at a portrait that had them completely confused. The painting depicted three very black and totally naked men sitting on a bench. Two of the figures had black penises, but the one in the middle had a pink penis.
The curator of the gallery realized that they were having trouble interpreting the painting and offered his assessment. He went on for nearly half an hour explaining how it depicted the sexual emasculation of African-Americans in a predominately white, patriarchal society.
"In fact," he pointed out, "some serious critics believe that the pink penis also reflects the cultural and sociological oppression experienced by gay men in contemporary society."
After the curator left, a Scottish man approached the couple and said, "Would you like to know what the painting is really about?"
"Now why would you claim to be more of an expert than the curator of the gallery?" asked the couple.
"Because I'm the guy who painted it," he replied.
"In fact, there are no African-Americans depicted at all. The lads are three Scottish coal-miners who just got off shift and are about to shower. As for the guy in the middle, he went home for lunch."
BoBoMoe
Reply #878 Tuesday, April 29, 2003 7:26 AM
Reply #878 Tuesday, April 29, 2003 7:26 AM
One day in the great forest a magical frog was walking down to a water hole. This forest was so big that the frog had never seen another animal in all his life. By chance today a bear was chasing after a rabbit to have for dinner.
The frog called for the two to stop. The frog said, "Because you are the only two animals I have seen, I will grant you both three wishes. Bear, you go first."
The bear thought for a minute, and being the male he was, said, "I wish for all the bears in this forest, besides me, to be female."
For his wish, the rabbit asked for a crash helmet, and immediately put it on. The bear was amazed at the stupidity of the rabbit, wasting his wish like that.
It was the bear's second turn for a wish. "Well, I wish that all the bears in the next forest were female as well."
The rabbit asked for a motorcycle and immediately hopped on it and gunned the engine. The bear was shocked that the rabbit was asking for these stupid things, after all, he could have asked for money and bought the motorcycle.
For the last wish the bear thought for a while and then said, "I wish that all the bears in the world, besides me, were female."
The rabbit grinned, gunned the engine, and said, "I wish that the bear was gay."
The frog called for the two to stop. The frog said, "Because you are the only two animals I have seen, I will grant you both three wishes. Bear, you go first."
The bear thought for a minute, and being the male he was, said, "I wish for all the bears in this forest, besides me, to be female."
For his wish, the rabbit asked for a crash helmet, and immediately put it on. The bear was amazed at the stupidity of the rabbit, wasting his wish like that.
It was the bear's second turn for a wish. "Well, I wish that all the bears in the next forest were female as well."
The rabbit asked for a motorcycle and immediately hopped on it and gunned the engine. The bear was shocked that the rabbit was asking for these stupid things, after all, he could have asked for money and bought the motorcycle.
For the last wish the bear thought for a while and then said, "I wish that all the bears in the world, besides me, were female."
The rabbit grinned, gunned the engine, and said, "I wish that the bear was gay."
Mr_Ph00ey2u
Reply #879 Tuesday, April 29, 2003 2:45 PM
A new employee is hired at the Tickle Me Elmo factory, to report to work promptly at 8:00 AM.
The next day at 8:45 AM, there's a knock at the personnel manager's door.
The assembly line foreman comes in and starts ranting about this new employee.
He says she's incredibly slow, and the whole line is backing up.
The foreman takes the personnel manager down to the factory floor to show him the problem.
Sure enough, Elmo's are backed up all over the place.
At the end of the line is the new employee.
She has a roll of the material used for the Elmo's and a big bag of marbles.
They both watch as she cuts a little piece of fabric, wraps it around two marbles, and starts sewing the little package between Elmo's legs.
The personnel manager starts laughing hysterically.
After several minutes, he pulls himself together, walks over to the woman and says, "I'm sorry, I guess you misunderstood me yesterday.
Your job is to give Elmo two test tickles.
Reply #879 Tuesday, April 29, 2003 2:45 PM
A new employee is hired at the Tickle Me Elmo factory, to report to work promptly at 8:00 AM.
The next day at 8:45 AM, there's a knock at the personnel manager's door.
The assembly line foreman comes in and starts ranting about this new employee.
He says she's incredibly slow, and the whole line is backing up.
The foreman takes the personnel manager down to the factory floor to show him the problem.
Sure enough, Elmo's are backed up all over the place.
At the end of the line is the new employee.
She has a roll of the material used for the Elmo's and a big bag of marbles.
They both watch as she cuts a little piece of fabric, wraps it around two marbles, and starts sewing the little package between Elmo's legs.
The personnel manager starts laughing hysterically.
After several minutes, he pulls himself together, walks over to the woman and says, "I'm sorry, I guess you misunderstood me yesterday.
Your job is to give Elmo two test tickles.
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Reply #861 Sunday, April 27, 2003 2:42 PM
The minister got a brilliant idea. He bought a book about hypnosis, and read it from cover to cover. At the next service, he took out a watch and chain, swung it back and forth, and lulled the congregation into a hypnotic trance. He said, "I want everybody to walk down the aisle and put $20 in the plate."
They did, and he had the church's roof fixed that week. This worked so well that the next Sunday he decided to do it again. Taking his watch out, he proclaimed, "I want everybody to come down the aisle and drop $100 in the offering plate."
They did, and he got the air conditioning fixed and the parking lot redone.
His third Sunday, he got to thinking, "I haven't been paid in a long time. I deserve a little money."
He started swinging his watch again, and he thought, "I deserve a lot more than a little bit of money. I deserve enough to go overseas and have a cottage on the beach. I deserve a lot more."
He got so excited about what he was fixing to receive, that his hands started to sweat and as the watch slipped from his grip, he yelled:
"Shit!"
It took him two weeks to air out the church.