Messageboard Joke Marathon
Sunday, January 19, 2003 by Mr_Ph00ey2u | Discussion: WinCustomize Talk
Reply #802 Sunday, April 6, 2003 3:49 AM
The man said, "Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive over anytime I want."
The Lord said, "Your request is very materialistic. Think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking. The supports required to reach the bottom of the Pacific! The concrete and steel it would take! I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of another wish, a wish you think would honor and glorify me."
The man thought about it for a long time. Finally he said, "Lord, I wish that I could understand women. I want to know how they feel inside, what they are thinking when they give the silent treatment, why they cry, what they mean when they say 'nothing', and how I can make a woman truly happy."
The Lord replied, "You want two lanes or four lanes on that bridge?"
Reply #803 Sunday, April 6, 2003 12:38 PM
Reply #804 Sunday, April 6, 2003 5:08 PM
He goes on a visit on a premairie scool and at the end of his speach he asks the childer: das anyone has a question?
John raises his finger and saddam lets him speak
john: I got 3 questions:
1: Is it true that you killed inicent people by poisening them?
2: is it true that you have still 'illegal' weapons?
3: Is it true that we are going to lose this war and the US army is outside town?
The scool bell rings witch means the children have a brake to eat and stuff. When the children gets back in class saddam asks: das any one has still questions?
Mike raises his finger and saddam lets him speak
Mike: I got 5 questions:
1: Is it true that you killed inicent people by poisening them?
2: is it true that you have still 'illegal' weapons?
3: Is it true that we are going to lose this war and the US army is outside town?
4: Why did the bell went off 20 minutes too urly?
5: Where is john?

Reply #805 Monday, April 7, 2003 3:34 PM
(Part I)
13> There go your chances of ever being on "American Idol."
12> Telltale pork rind crumbs always get trapped in that mustache.
11> Saddam #18 never rinses out the mustache after he's done with it.
10> You're the one who always gets stuck signing autographed pictures for Michael Moore and Sean Penn.
9> You only get to sleep with wives #201 and higher.
8> Because he thinks your wave on TV was effeminate, "Your kittens must die!"
7> Your lucrative Iraqi Elvis impersonation career has been put on indefinite hold.
6> Saddam insists you stay every night and practice the mirror routine from "Duck Soup" with him.
5> You have to kiss Chirac on the lips whenever he's in town.
4> You're always getting into scuffles with your neighbor, the George W. Bush body double.
3> Sure, you look like him. Yes, you've got the mustache. But, for crying out loud, you're his *mother*!
2> The demand for accuracy requires penis-reduction surgery.
and Topfive.com's Number 1 Thing That Sucks About Being Saddam's Body Double...
1> Your brother, who looks just like Hugh Hefner, keeps sending
you Ramadan cards from the Playboy mansion.

Reply #806 Monday, April 7, 2003 3:36 PM
(Part II)
13> Getting rid of that "new body double" smell.
12> Elderly women telling you how great you were in "Grumpy Old Men" with that Yankee pig dog, Jack Lemmon.
11> You always get assigned the colonoscopy detail.
10> He makes one stupid comment in a newspaper interview and a week later, *you're* on state-run TV proving that he can eat 50 pickled eggs in under a minute.
9> To keep up appearances, you, too, have to make sweet, sweet love to Saddam's goat.
8> If the coalition forces take Baghdad, you're faced with the very real possibility of having to carry on a conversation with George W. Bush.
7> Double #14 always dines and dashes, making it difficult for you to get service in Baghdad restaurants.
6> People always wanting to have their picture taken with you executing someone.
5> Every time Saddam's driver's license comes up for renewal, guess who gets to stand in line for hours on end at the Baghdad DMV?
4> You can't rip out the T-shirt tag because President Dipshit never does.
3> You always forget to extend your pinkie while being filmed torturing dissenters.
2> Hard to tell if girls like you for who you really are or if they're simply afraid of vanishing without a trace.
and Topfive.com's Number 1 Thing That Sucks About Being Saddam's Body Doubles...
1> Just when you're finally down to a 42" waist again, Cottage-Cheese-Butt decides to go on the Mother of All Chocolate Benders.

Reply #807 Tuesday, April 8, 2003 12:56 PM
"I have an idea"
"What happens if I push this button?"
"Sure, nobody will do that"
"And what are you going to do about it?"
"This is a foolproof plan"
"Ah sure, it'll be grand"
"Just send us your credit card details"
"Don't worry. I'll pull out"
"The collateral damage will be minimal, promise"
"I got this off the Web"
"Is there anything you want to tell me?"
"Does my bum look big in this?"
"Sure I'll go for one or two (pints)"
"This won't hurt a bit"
"Cut the red wire..."
"Well, in my opinion..."
"Nah we don't need a plumber, I can do it meself"
"Gaining a little weight there, aren't ye?"
"We need to talk..."
"Your loan application has been denied"
"Yes. Yes your bum does look big in that"
"We are from the Jehovah Witnesses"
"Could you just hold this for a moment"
"No! I don't need to ask for directions!"
"I assure you that it is in the national interest"
"This is going to hurt me more than it hurts you"
"We have hired consultants to help us restructure the organization"
"I'm cheating on my other half but don't tell them anything."
"Would you mind carrying this package onto the plane for me?"
"I've never done this before."
"I'll be rolling in cosh soon, as I've just sent all my bank details to this guy in the Nigerian government who's trying to get some cash out of the country..."
"You wouldn't mind showing this lowly paid student what your job entails..."
"How can I help?"
"No, really, I don't mind."
"Before you go home, could you have a quick look at this?"
"Why do you love me?"
"Hi! I'm from the government and I'm here to help"
"It's just a routine procedure. Nothing to worry about"
"It's just a rash"
"What risk?"

Reply #809 Tuesday, April 8, 2003 5:46 PM
Reply #812 Wednesday, April 9, 2003 6:57 AM
WHAT HAPPENED?
Al wakes up at home with a huge hangover. He forces himself
to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of
aspirins and a glass of water on the side table.
He sits down and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean
and pressed. Al looks around the room and sees that it is in
a perfect order, spotless, clean. So is he rest of the house.
He takes the aspirins and notices a note on the table
"Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to go shopping.
Love you."
So he goes to the kitchen and sure enough there is a hot
breakfast and the morning newspaper. His son is also at
the table, eating.
Al asks, "Son, what happened last night?"
His son says, "Well, you came home after 3 A.M., drunk
and delirious. Broke some furniture, puked in the hallway,
and gave yourself a black eye when you stumbled into
the door."
Confused, Al asks, "So, why is everything in order and so
clean, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me?"
His son replies, "Oh that! Mom dragged you to the bedroom,
and when she tried to take your pants off you said,
"Lady leave me alone, I'm married!"
*Kim*

Reply #816 Wednesday, April 9, 2003 7:34 AM
keeps throwing it into the air, where the wind catches
it for a few seconds before it comes crashing down.
Watching him from the kitchen window, his wife mutters
how men have to be told how to do everything. So she
opens the window and yells, "You need more tail!"
He shouts back, "Make up your mind! Last night you
told me to go fly a kite!"

Reply #817 Wednesday, April 9, 2003 10:14 AM
16> "Not to Stevie Wonder."
15> "Big time! That's why I'm sleeping with your best friend."
14> "Does this tie make me look stupid?"
13> "No way! You look *least* fat in that outfit!"
12> "I guess there's not much point in asking if you mean fat with an 'f' or phat with a 'ph.'"
11> "No hablo ingles."
10> "Yes, but it also makes you look like a pricey hooker, so things balance out."
9> "No, but taking it *off* sure does."
8> "If I answer that question, then the terrorists have won."
7> "Okay, listen: What's important is that you not focus in a negative way on the comparison I am about to make."
6> "Not if you were travelling at the speed of light."
5> "Yes, but in my country, obesity suggests prosperity."
4> "Let me jog around to your front and take a look."
3> "No, honey. But just to be safe, steer clear of one-legged sea captains."
2> "Whoa! A talking couch!!"
and the Number 1 Poor Response to the Question "Does This Make Me Look Fat?"...
1> "May I consult the Iraqi Minister of Information before answering that?"

Reply #818 Wednesday, April 9, 2003 6:51 PM
12 STEP PROGRAM OF RECOVERY FOR WEB ADDICTS
1) I will have a cup of coffee in the morning and read my newspaper
like I used to, before the Web.
2) I will eat breakfast with a knife and fork and not with one hand typing.
3) I will get dressed before noon.
4) I will make an attempt to clean the house, wash clothes, and plan dinner before even thinking of the Web.
5) I will sit down and write a letter to those unfortunate few friends and family that are Web-deprived.
6) I will call someone on the phone that I cannot contact via the Web.
7) I will read a book...if I still remember how.
8) I will listen to those around me and their needs and stop telling them to
turn the TV down so I can hear the music on the Web.
9) I will not be tempted during TV commercials to check for email.
10) I will try and get out of the house at least once a week,
if it is necessary or not.
11) I will remember that my bank is not forgiving if I forget to balance my checkbook because I was too busy on the Web.
12) Last, but not least, I will remember that I must go to bed sometime ...
and the Web will always be there tomorrow!

Reply #819 Thursday, April 10, 2003 8:15 AM
GEORGE BUSH: When you rearrange the letters: HE BUGS GORE
DORMITORY: When you rearrange the letters: DIRTY ROOM
EVANGELIST: When you rearrange the letters: EVIL'S AGENT
PRESBYTERIAN: When you rearrange the letters: BEST IN PRAYER
DESPERATION: When you rearrange the letters: A ROPE ENDS IT
THE MORSE CODE: When you rearrange the letters: HERE COME DOTS
SLOT MACHINES: When you rearrange the letters: CASH LOST IN ME
ANIMOSITY: When you rearrange the letters: IS NO AMITY
MOTHER-IN-LAW: When you rearrange the letters: WOMAN HITLER
SNOOZE ALARMS: When you rearrange the letters: ALAS! NO MORE Z ' S
A DECIMAL POINT! : When you rearrange the letters: I ' M A DOT IN PLACE
THE EARTHQUAKES: When you rearrange the letters: THAT QUEER SHAKE
ELEVEN PLUS TWO: When you rearrange the letters: TWELVE PLUS ONE
And for the grand finale: PRESIDENT CLINTON OF THE USA: When you rearrange the letters (With no letters left over and using each letter only once)
TO COPULATE HE FINDS INTERNS
Reply #820 Thursday, April 10, 2003 9:59 AM
It gallops along at a steady and rhythmic pace, but the blonde begins to slip from the saddle. In terror, she grabs for the horse's mane, but cannot seem to get a firm grip.
She tries to throw her arms around the horse's neck, but she slides down the side of the horse anyway. The horse gallops along, seemingly impervious to its slipping rider.
Finally, giving up her frail grip, the blonde attempts to leap away from the horse and throw herself to safety. Unfortunately, her foot has become entangled in the stirrup, she is now at the mercy of the horse's pounding hooves as her head is struck against the ground over and over.
As her head is battered against the ground, she is mere moments away from unconsciousness when to her great fortune...
Frank, the Wal-Mart greeter, sees her dilemma and unplugs the horse.
*Kim*

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Reply #801 Saturday, April 5, 2003 11:45 AM
New US Elite Fighting Force
http://www.solarnight.com/toons/bubbacorps.jpg