Messageboard Joke Marathon
Sunday, January 19, 2003 by Mr_Ph00ey2u | Discussion: WinCustomize Talk
Ok...bring on your best or worst but leave everyone laughing 
Joke Rulez
1. Let's keep them PG. WC is a Family Place.
2. Links to Funny Pics or Flash files are welcome.
3. Throwing fruit and veggies at bad jokes is encouraged!
Joke Rulez
1. Let's keep them PG. WC is a Family Place.
2. Links to Funny Pics or Flash files are welcome.
3. Throwing fruit and veggies at bad jokes is encouraged!
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mrtee
Reply #742 Monday, March 17, 2003 7:30 PM
A man stumbles up to the only other patron in a bar and asks if he could buy him a drink.
"Why of course", comes the reply.
The first man then asks: "Where are you from?"
"I'm from Ireland", replies the second man.
The first man responds: "You don't say, I'm from Ireland too! Let's have another round to Ireland."
"Of course", replies the second man.
Curious, the first man then asks: "Where in Ireland are you from?"
"Dublin", comes the reply.
"I can't believe it", says the first man. I'm from Dublin too! Let's have another drink to Dublin."
"Of course", replies the second man.
Curiosity again strikes and the first man asks: "What school did you go to?"
"Saint Mary's", replies the second man. "I graduated in '62."
"This is unbelievable!", the first man says. "I went to Saint Mary's and I graduated in '62, too!"
About that time in comes one of the regulars and sits down at the bar.
"What's been going on?", he asks the bartender.
"Nothing much", replies the bartender. "The O'Malley twins are drunk again."
Reply #742 Monday, March 17, 2003 7:30 PM
A man stumbles up to the only other patron in a bar and asks if he could buy him a drink.
"Why of course", comes the reply.
The first man then asks: "Where are you from?"
"I'm from Ireland", replies the second man.
The first man responds: "You don't say, I'm from Ireland too! Let's have another round to Ireland."
"Of course", replies the second man.
Curious, the first man then asks: "Where in Ireland are you from?"
"Dublin", comes the reply.
"I can't believe it", says the first man. I'm from Dublin too! Let's have another drink to Dublin."
"Of course", replies the second man.
Curiosity again strikes and the first man asks: "What school did you go to?"
"Saint Mary's", replies the second man. "I graduated in '62."
"This is unbelievable!", the first man says. "I went to Saint Mary's and I graduated in '62, too!"
About that time in comes one of the regulars and sits down at the bar.
"What's been going on?", he asks the bartender.
"Nothing much", replies the bartender. "The O'Malley twins are drunk again."
Kimbabe
Reply #743 Wednesday, March 19, 2003 12:15 PM
Reply #743 Wednesday, March 19, 2003 12:15 PM
These are NOT made up. These are the actual titles of Country
Songs...
1. Get Your Biscuits In The Oven And Your Buns In Bed
2. Get Your Tongue Outta My Mouth 'Cause I'm Kissing You
Goodbye
3. How Can I Miss You If You Won't Go Away?
4. I Can't Get Over You, So Why Don't You Get Under Me?
5. I Don't Know Whether To Kill Myself Or Go Bowling
6. I Got In At 2 With a 10, And Woke Up At 10 With a 2
7. I Hate Every Bone In Your Body Except For Mine
8. I Keep Forgettin' I Forgot About You
9. I Liked You Better Before I Knew You So Well
10. I Still Miss You Baby, But My Aim's Gettin' Better
11. I Wouldn't Take Her To A Dog Fight, Cause I'm Afraid She'd Win
12. I'll Marry You Tomorrow But Let's Honeymoon Tonite
13. I'm So Miserable Without You, It's Like Having You Here
14. I've Got Tears in My Ears From Lying On My Back Crying my eyes out over you
15. If I Had Shot You When I Wanted To, I'd Be Out By Now
16. Mama Get A Hammer (There's A Fly On Papa's Head)
17. My Head Hurts, My Feet Stink, And I Don't Love Jesus
18. My Wife Ran Off With My Best Friend, and I Sure Do Miss Him
19. Please Bypass this Heart
20. She Got The Ring and I Got The Finger
21. You're The Reason Our Kids Are So Ugly
*Kim*
Songs...
1. Get Your Biscuits In The Oven And Your Buns In Bed
2. Get Your Tongue Outta My Mouth 'Cause I'm Kissing You
Goodbye
3. How Can I Miss You If You Won't Go Away?
4. I Can't Get Over You, So Why Don't You Get Under Me?
5. I Don't Know Whether To Kill Myself Or Go Bowling
6. I Got In At 2 With a 10, And Woke Up At 10 With a 2
7. I Hate Every Bone In Your Body Except For Mine
8. I Keep Forgettin' I Forgot About You
9. I Liked You Better Before I Knew You So Well
10. I Still Miss You Baby, But My Aim's Gettin' Better
11. I Wouldn't Take Her To A Dog Fight, Cause I'm Afraid She'd Win
12. I'll Marry You Tomorrow But Let's Honeymoon Tonite
13. I'm So Miserable Without You, It's Like Having You Here
14. I've Got Tears in My Ears From Lying On My Back Crying my eyes out over you
15. If I Had Shot You When I Wanted To, I'd Be Out By Now
16. Mama Get A Hammer (There's A Fly On Papa's Head)
17. My Head Hurts, My Feet Stink, And I Don't Love Jesus
18. My Wife Ran Off With My Best Friend, and I Sure Do Miss Him
19. Please Bypass this Heart
20. She Got The Ring and I Got The Finger
21. You're The Reason Our Kids Are So Ugly
*Kim*
CerebroJD
Reply #744 Thursday, March 20, 2003 8:04 PM
Reply #744 Thursday, March 20, 2003 8:04 PM
Why do blondes smile during lightning storms?
They think their pictures are being taken!
They think their pictures are being taken!
Styl-X Design
Reply #746 Saturday, March 22, 2003 5:52 PM
Reply #746 Saturday, March 22, 2003 5:52 PM
hey, we're bumping again >
let me play among
bump bump bump bump...
well ok, here's a joke:
driver runs into a bar and ask to a guy sitting in the front:
are there any pinguins of 30 centimeters?
the guy sais: well, yeah, but they are just born...
the drivers asks: are there any pinguins of 80 centimeters?
the guy sais: yeah, thats a addult pinguin...
the driver asks: are there any pinguins of 1.65??
the guy sais: no, not as far as i know....
the driver: DAMN in that case I drove over a Non again
let me play among bump bump bump bump...
well ok, here's a joke:
driver runs into a bar and ask to a guy sitting in the front:
are there any pinguins of 30 centimeters?
the guy sais: well, yeah, but they are just born...
the drivers asks: are there any pinguins of 80 centimeters?
the guy sais: yeah, thats a addult pinguin...
the driver asks: are there any pinguins of 1.65??
the guy sais: no, not as far as i know....
the driver: DAMN in that case I drove over a Non again
Mr_Ph00ey2u
Reply #747 Sunday, March 23, 2003 1:42 AM
Reply #747 Sunday, March 23, 2003 1:42 AM
Thanks CerebroJD, Styl skinner, Kim & mrtee for keeping things bumped during my absence
on to the Jokes!
The night before her wedding, the bride-to-be talked with her mother. "Mom," she said, "I want you to teach me how to make my new husband happy."
The mother took a deep breath and began, "When two people love, honor, and respect each other, love can be a very beautiful thing..."
"I know about sex, mother," the bride-to-be interrupted. "I want you to teach me how to make lasagna."
on to the Jokes!
The night before her wedding, the bride-to-be talked with her mother. "Mom," she said, "I want you to teach me how to make my new husband happy."
The mother took a deep breath and began, "When two people love, honor, and respect each other, love can be a very beautiful thing..."
"I know about sex, mother," the bride-to-be interrupted. "I want you to teach me how to make lasagna."
mrtee
Reply #748 Sunday, March 23, 2003 1:52 AM
Reply #748 Sunday, March 23, 2003 1:52 AM
Glad to be of assistance. So here is another.
Once there was a mad scientist who worked by himself in his laboratory. He was so lonely that one day, he decided to clone himself. Everything worked perfectly, except that the clone had a very foul mouth. The scientist worked with the clone, but alas, he could not make the clone clean up his language. He got so tired of the clone's language that one day he pushed him off the end of a cliff. A policeman rushed up to him, and yelled "You are under arrest! You are under arrest!"
"What for?" the mad scientist asked. "Murder? Or would it be suicide?"
And the policeman's answer was, "Neither. It's for making an obscene clone fall."
Once there was a mad scientist who worked by himself in his laboratory. He was so lonely that one day, he decided to clone himself. Everything worked perfectly, except that the clone had a very foul mouth. The scientist worked with the clone, but alas, he could not make the clone clean up his language. He got so tired of the clone's language that one day he pushed him off the end of a cliff. A policeman rushed up to him, and yelled "You are under arrest! You are under arrest!"
"What for?" the mad scientist asked. "Murder? Or would it be suicide?"
And the policeman's answer was, "Neither. It's for making an obscene clone fall."
Kimbabe
Reply #749 Sunday, March 23, 2003 2:06 AM
Reply #749 Sunday, March 23, 2003 2:06 AM
You're welcome,Phooey! Good to see you back!
As a new bride, Edna moved into the small home of her
husband, Jack. She put a shoebox on a shelf in her closet
and asked her husband never to touch it.
For 50 years Jack left the box alone, until Edna was old and
dying. One day when he was putting their affairs in order,
he found the box again and thought it might hold something
important.
Opening it, he found two doilies and $82,500 in cash. He
took the box to her and asked about the contents. My mother
gave me that box the day we married," she explained. "She
told me to make a doily to help ease my frustrations every
time I got mad at you."
Jack was very touched that in 50 years she'd only been mad
at him twice. "What's the $82,500 for?" he asked.
"That's the money I've made selling the doilies."
*Kim*
As a new bride, Edna moved into the small home of her
husband, Jack. She put a shoebox on a shelf in her closet
and asked her husband never to touch it.
For 50 years Jack left the box alone, until Edna was old and
dying. One day when he was putting their affairs in order,
he found the box again and thought it might hold something
important.
Opening it, he found two doilies and $82,500 in cash. He
took the box to her and asked about the contents. My mother
gave me that box the day we married," she explained. "She
told me to make a doily to help ease my frustrations every
time I got mad at you."
Jack was very touched that in 50 years she'd only been mad
at him twice. "What's the $82,500 for?" he asked.
"That's the money I've made selling the doilies."
*Kim*
bianca
Reply #750 Sunday, March 23, 2003 3:05 PM
Reply #750 Sunday, March 23, 2003 3:05 PM
It is good to be a woman:
1. We got off the Titanic first.
2. We can scare male bosses with the mysterious gynaecological disorder excuses.
3. Taxis stop for us.
4. We don't look like a frog in a blender when dancing.
5. No fashion faux pas we make, could ever rival the Speedo.
6. We don't have to pass gas to amuse ourselves.
7. If we forget to shave, no one has to know.
8. We can congratulate our team-mate without ever touching her rear end.
9. We never have to reach down every so often to make sure our privates are still there.
10. We have the ability to dress ourselves.
11. We can talk to the opposite sex without having to picture them naked.
12. If we marry someone 20 years younger, we are aware that we will look like an idiot.
13. We will never regret piercing our ears.
14. There are times when chocolate really can solve all your problems.
15. We can make comments about how silly men are in their presence because they aren't listening anyway.
1. We got off the Titanic first.
2. We can scare male bosses with the mysterious gynaecological disorder excuses.
3. Taxis stop for us.
4. We don't look like a frog in a blender when dancing.
5. No fashion faux pas we make, could ever rival the Speedo.
6. We don't have to pass gas to amuse ourselves.
7. If we forget to shave, no one has to know.
8. We can congratulate our team-mate without ever touching her rear end.
9. We never have to reach down every so often to make sure our privates are still there.
10. We have the ability to dress ourselves.
11. We can talk to the opposite sex without having to picture them naked.
12. If we marry someone 20 years younger, we are aware that we will look like an idiot.
13. We will never regret piercing our ears.
14. There are times when chocolate really can solve all your problems.
15. We can make comments about how silly men are in their presence because they aren't listening anyway.
Mr_Ph00ey2u
Reply #751 Sunday, March 23, 2003 7:13 PM
Reply #751 Sunday, March 23, 2003 7:13 PM
Ut-Oh! Looks like Bianca is bringing back the battle of the sexes jokes!
I'm staying out of this...could get messy!
Girls wearing Lipstick
According to a news report, a certain private school recently was faced with a unique problem. A number of middle school girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom. That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick they would press their lips to the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints.
Every night, the maintenance man would remove them and the next day,the girls would put them back. Finally the principal decided that something had to be done. She called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the maintenance man. She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every night.
To demonstrate how difficult it had been to clean the mirrors, she asked the maintenance man to show the girls how much effort was required. He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it in the toilet, and cleaned the mirror with it. Since then, there have been no lip prints on the mirror.
There are instructors, and then there are EDUCATORS.
I'm staying out of this...could get messy!
Girls wearing Lipstick
According to a news report, a certain private school recently was faced with a unique problem. A number of middle school girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom. That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick they would press their lips to the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints.
Every night, the maintenance man would remove them and the next day,the girls would put them back. Finally the principal decided that something had to be done. She called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the maintenance man. She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every night.
To demonstrate how difficult it had been to clean the mirrors, she asked the maintenance man to show the girls how much effort was required. He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it in the toilet, and cleaned the mirror with it. Since then, there have been no lip prints on the mirror.
There are instructors, and then there are EDUCATORS.
Mr_Ph00ey2u
Reply #752 Sunday, March 23, 2003 7:34 PM
Reply #752 Sunday, March 23, 2003 7:34 PM
Buffalo Theory
One afternoon at WC, mrtee was explaining the Buffalo Theory to Kimbabe. Here's how it went: "Well ya see, Kim, it's like this... A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members. In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, as we know, kills brain cells. But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine. That's why you always feel smarter after a few drinks."
One afternoon at WC, mrtee was explaining the Buffalo Theory to Kimbabe. Here's how it went: "Well ya see, Kim, it's like this... A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members. In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, as we know, kills brain cells. But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine. That's why you always feel smarter after a few drinks."
mrtee
Reply #753 Sunday, March 23, 2003 10:05 PM
Reply #753 Sunday, March 23, 2003 10:05 PM
The best part of that is I drove a beer truck for 6 years, went into selling whiskey and wine for 5 years, was a bartender for 6 years, delivered cigs, chips, candies, chemicals, etc. to bars for 7 years, and a few other occupations thrown in. I don't drink anymore (the joke would be "or any less for that matter.") This May I'll have been working in the housekeeping dept. of a hospital for 7 years. That's a lot of toilets, floors, garbage and linen.
Passing on a joke or 2 during the day helps to pass the time and gets smiles from patients and staff alike.
So keep 'em comming and I'll send mine back.
You might enjoy this one;
NEW ELEMENT DISCOVERED
Passed along by Wayne Clark
Investigators at a major research institute have discovered the heaviest element known to science. This startling new discovery has been tentatively named "ADMINISTRATIUM" (Ad)
This new element has no protons or electrons, thus having an atomic number of ZERO. It does, however, have one neutron, 125 assistant neutrons, 75 vice neutrons, and 111 assistant vice neutrons, giving it an atomic mass of 312. These 312 particles are held together by a force called morons, which are surrounded by vast quantities of lepton-like particles called peons.
Since it has no electrons, Administratium is inert. However, it can be detected as it impedes every reaction with which it comes into contact. According to the discoverers, a minute amount of Administratium causes one reaction to take more than four days to complete when it would normally take less that one second.
Administratium has a normal half-life of approximately three years. It does not decay but, instead, undergoes a reorganization in which a portion of the assistant neutrons, vice neutrons and assistant vice neutrons exchange places.
In fact, an Administratium sample's mass will actually increase over time since, with each reorganization, some of the morons inevitably become neutrons, forming new isotopes.
This characteristic of moron promotion leads some scientists to speculate that Administratium is formed whenever morons reach a certain quantity in concentration. This hypothetical quantity is referred to as "the critical morass".
You will know it when you see it.
Passing on a joke or 2 during the day helps to pass the time and gets smiles from patients and staff alike.
So keep 'em comming and I'll send mine back.
You might enjoy this one;
NEW ELEMENT DISCOVERED
Passed along by Wayne Clark
Investigators at a major research institute have discovered the heaviest element known to science. This startling new discovery has been tentatively named "ADMINISTRATIUM" (Ad)
This new element has no protons or electrons, thus having an atomic number of ZERO. It does, however, have one neutron, 125 assistant neutrons, 75 vice neutrons, and 111 assistant vice neutrons, giving it an atomic mass of 312. These 312 particles are held together by a force called morons, which are surrounded by vast quantities of lepton-like particles called peons.
Since it has no electrons, Administratium is inert. However, it can be detected as it impedes every reaction with which it comes into contact. According to the discoverers, a minute amount of Administratium causes one reaction to take more than four days to complete when it would normally take less that one second.
Administratium has a normal half-life of approximately three years. It does not decay but, instead, undergoes a reorganization in which a portion of the assistant neutrons, vice neutrons and assistant vice neutrons exchange places.
In fact, an Administratium sample's mass will actually increase over time since, with each reorganization, some of the morons inevitably become neutrons, forming new isotopes.
This characteristic of moron promotion leads some scientists to speculate that Administratium is formed whenever morons reach a certain quantity in concentration. This hypothetical quantity is referred to as "the critical morass".
You will know it when you see it.
mrtee
Reply #754 Monday, March 24, 2003 2:09 AM
Reply #754 Monday, March 24, 2003 2:09 AM
The Lone Ranger & Tonto stopped for a rest.
Tonto put his ear to the ground, looked at the Lone Ranger and said "Ugh, kemosabe, buffalo come."
The Lone Ranger responded "How do you know that Tonto?"
Tonto stood up, wriggled a finger around in his ear and said "Ground wet."
> > 
Tonto put his ear to the ground, looked at the Lone Ranger and said "Ugh, kemosabe, buffalo come."
The Lone Ranger responded "How do you know that Tonto?"
Tonto stood up, wriggled a finger around in his ear and said "Ground wet."
>
> 
Kimbabe
Reply #755 Monday, March 24, 2003 4:23 PM
A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport. After it reached a
comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the intercom, "Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to Flight Number 293, non-stop from New York to Los Angeles. The weather ahead is good and, therefore, we should have a smooth and uneventful flight. Now sit back and relax -- OH, MY GOD!"
Silence followed and after a few minutes, the captain came back on the intercom and said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier; but, while I was talking, the flight attendant brought me a cup of coffee and spilled the hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!"
A passenger in Coach said, "That's nothing. He should see the back of mine!
*Kim*
Reply #755 Monday, March 24, 2003 4:23 PM
A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport. After it reached a
comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the intercom, "Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to Flight Number 293, non-stop from New York to Los Angeles. The weather ahead is good and, therefore, we should have a smooth and uneventful flight. Now sit back and relax -- OH, MY GOD!"
Silence followed and after a few minutes, the captain came back on the intercom and said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier; but, while I was talking, the flight attendant brought me a cup of coffee and spilled the hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!"
A passenger in Coach said, "That's nothing. He should see the back of mine!
*Kim*
Mr_Ph00ey2u
Reply #756 Monday, March 24, 2003 11:10 PM
Reply #756 Monday, March 24, 2003 11:10 PM
Little Golden Books That Never Made It:
1. You Are Different And That's Bad.
2. The Boy Who Died From Eating All His Vegetables.
3. Dad's New Wife Robert.
4. Kathy Was So Bad Her Mom Stopped Loving Her
5. Curious George and the High Voltage Fence
6. All Cats Go To Hell
7. The Little Sissy Who Snitched
8. Some Kittens Can Fly
9. That's It, I'm Putting You Up For Adoption
10. The Magic World Inside the Abandoned Refrigerator
11. Strangers Have The Best Candy
12. You Were an Accident
13. Things Rich Kids Have, But You Never Will
14. Pop! Goes the Hamster...And Other Microwave Games
15. The Man In The Moon Is Actually Satan
16. Your Nightmares Are Real
17. Places Where Mommy and Daddy Hide Neat Things
18. Daddy Drinks Because You Cry
19. Why Can't Mr. Fork and Mrs. Electrical Outlet Be Friends?
1. You Are Different And That's Bad.
2. The Boy Who Died From Eating All His Vegetables.
3. Dad's New Wife Robert.
4. Kathy Was So Bad Her Mom Stopped Loving Her
5. Curious George and the High Voltage Fence
6. All Cats Go To Hell
7. The Little Sissy Who Snitched
8. Some Kittens Can Fly
9. That's It, I'm Putting You Up For Adoption
10. The Magic World Inside the Abandoned Refrigerator
11. Strangers Have The Best Candy
12. You Were an Accident
13. Things Rich Kids Have, But You Never Will
14. Pop! Goes the Hamster...And Other Microwave Games
15. The Man In The Moon Is Actually Satan
16. Your Nightmares Are Real
17. Places Where Mommy and Daddy Hide Neat Things
18. Daddy Drinks Because You Cry
19. Why Can't Mr. Fork and Mrs. Electrical Outlet Be Friends?
mrtee
Reply #757 Tuesday, March 25, 2003 8:55 PM
Reply #757 Tuesday, March 25, 2003 8:55 PM
Q. What's the difference between an Irish wedding and an Irish wake?
A. There's one less drunk at the wake.
Feel free to substitute any group for Irish.
A. There's one less drunk at the wake.
Feel free to substitute any group for Irish.
werewolf
Reply #758 Wednesday, March 26, 2003 10:27 AM
Reply #758 Wednesday, March 26, 2003 10:27 AM
HEY!! I'm part Irish and I totally resemble that remark!!!
Keila
Reply #759 Wednesday, March 26, 2003 11:04 AM
Reply #759 Wednesday, March 26, 2003 11:04 AM
John Smith was the only Protestant to move into a large Catholic
neighborhood. On the first Friday of Lent, John was outside grilling a
big juicy steak on his grill. Meanwhile, all of his neighbors were
eating cold tuna fish for supper. This went on each Friday of Lent.
On the last Friday of Lent, the neighborhood men got together and
decided that something had to be done about John, he was tempting them
to eat meat each Friday of Lent, and they couldn't take it anymore.
They decided to try and convert John to be a Catholic. They went over
and talked to him and were so happy that he decided to join all of his
neighbors and become a Catholic. They took him to Church, and the Priest
sprinkled some water over him, and said, "You were born a Baptist, you
were raised a Baptist, and now you are a Catholic." The men were so
relieved, now their biggest Lenten temptation was resolved.
The next year's Lenten season rolled around. The first Friday of Lent
came, and just at supper time, when the neighborhood was setting down to
their tuna fish dinner, came the wafting smell of steak cooking on a
grill. The neighborhood men could not believe their noses! WHAT WAS
GOING ON?
They called each other up and decided to meet over in John's yard to see
if he had forgotten it was the first Friday of Lent. The group arrived
just in time to see John standing over his grill with a small pitcher of
water.
He was sprinkling some water over his steak on the grill, saying,
neighborhood. On the first Friday of Lent, John was outside grilling a
big juicy steak on his grill. Meanwhile, all of his neighbors were
eating cold tuna fish for supper. This went on each Friday of Lent.
On the last Friday of Lent, the neighborhood men got together and
decided that something had to be done about John, he was tempting them
to eat meat each Friday of Lent, and they couldn't take it anymore.
They decided to try and convert John to be a Catholic. They went over
and talked to him and were so happy that he decided to join all of his
neighbors and become a Catholic. They took him to Church, and the Priest
sprinkled some water over him, and said, "You were born a Baptist, you
were raised a Baptist, and now you are a Catholic." The men were so
relieved, now their biggest Lenten temptation was resolved.
The next year's Lenten season rolled around. The first Friday of Lent
came, and just at supper time, when the neighborhood was setting down to
their tuna fish dinner, came the wafting smell of steak cooking on a
grill. The neighborhood men could not believe their noses! WHAT WAS
GOING ON?
They called each other up and decided to meet over in John's yard to see
if he had forgotten it was the first Friday of Lent. The group arrived
just in time to see John standing over his grill with a small pitcher of
water.
He was sprinkling some water over his steak on the grill, saying,
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Reply #741 Monday, March 17, 2003 7:28 PM
Unfortunately, it goes into the woods on the side of the fairway. He goes looking for his ball and comes across this little guy with this huge knot on his head, and the golf ball lying right beside him. "Goodness," says the golfer, and proceeds to revive the poor little guy. Upon awaking, the little guy says, "Well, you caught me fair and square. I am a leprechaun. I will grant you three wishes."
The man says "I can't take anything from you, I'm just glad I didn't hurt you too badly," and walks away. Watching the golfer depart, the leprechaun thinks to himself, "Well, he was a nice enough guy, and he did catch me, so I have to do something for him. I'll give him the three things that I would want. I'll give him unlimited money, a great golf game, and a great sex life."
Well, a year goes by and the same tourist is out golfing on the same course at the 16th hole. He gets up and hits one into the same woods and goes off looking for his ball. When he finds the ball he sees the same little guy and asks how he is doing. The leprechaun says, "I'm fine, and might I ask how your golf game is?"
"It's great! I hit under par every time."
"I did that for you. And might I ask how your money is holding out?"
The golfer says, "Well, now that you mention it, every time I put my hand in my pocket, I pull out a hundred dollar bill."
"I did that for you too. And might I ask how your sex life is?" The golfer looks at him a little shyly and says, "Well, maybe once or twice a week."
The leprechaun is floored and stammers, "What?! Only once or twice a week?"
"Well, that's not too bad for a Catholic priest in a small parish."