Messageboard Joke Marathon
Sunday, January 19, 2003 by Mr_Ph00ey2u | Discussion: WinCustomize Talk
Ok...bring on your best or worst but leave everyone laughing 
Joke Rulez
1. Let's keep them PG. WC is a Family Place.
2. Links to Funny Pics or Flash files are welcome.
3. Throwing fruit and veggies at bad jokes is encouraged!
Joke Rulez
1. Let's keep them PG. WC is a Family Place.
2. Links to Funny Pics or Flash files are welcome.
3. Throwing fruit and veggies at bad jokes is encouraged!
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Mr_Ph00ey2u
Reply #764 Wednesday, March 26, 2003 9:01 PM
Where Are We?
Two tourists were driving through Texas. As they were approaching the town of Nacogdoches, they started arguing about the pronunciation of the name of the town. They argued back and forth until they stopped for lunch.
As they stood at the counter, one tourist asked the employee, "Before we order, could you please settle an argument for us? Would you please pronounce where we are ... very slowly?" The girl leaned over the counter and said,
"Burrrrrrrr -gerrrrrrr, kinnnnngggg."
Reply #764 Wednesday, March 26, 2003 9:01 PM
Where Are We?
Two tourists were driving through Texas. As they were approaching the town of Nacogdoches, they started arguing about the pronunciation of the name of the town. They argued back and forth until they stopped for lunch.
As they stood at the counter, one tourist asked the employee, "Before we order, could you please settle an argument for us? Would you please pronounce where we are ... very slowly?" The girl leaned over the counter and said,
"Burrrrrrrr -gerrrrrrr, kinnnnngggg."
Mr_Ph00ey2u
Reply #765 Wednesday, March 26, 2003 9:01 PM
Where Are We?
Two tourists were driving through Texas. As they were approaching the town of Nacogdoches, they started arguing about the pronunciation of the name of the town. They argued back and forth until they stopped for lunch.
As they stood at the counter, one tourist asked the employee, "Before we order, could you please settle an argument for us? Would you please pronounce where we are ... very slowly?" The girl leaned over the counter and said,
"Burrrrrrrr -gerrrrrrr, kinnnnngggg."
Reply #765 Wednesday, March 26, 2003 9:01 PM
Where Are We?
Two tourists were driving through Texas. As they were approaching the town of Nacogdoches, they started arguing about the pronunciation of the name of the town. They argued back and forth until they stopped for lunch.
As they stood at the counter, one tourist asked the employee, "Before we order, could you please settle an argument for us? Would you please pronounce where we are ... very slowly?" The girl leaned over the counter and said,
"Burrrrrrrr -gerrrrrrr, kinnnnngggg."
Mr_Ph00ey2u
Reply #766 Wednesday, March 26, 2003 9:07 PM
Reply #766 Wednesday, March 26, 2003 9:07 PM
Opps! Double post! Looks like the jokes on me today!
Drive on
After getting all of Pope John-Paul's luggage loaded in the limo (and
His Holiness doesn't travel light), the driver notices that the Pope is
still standing on the curb. "Excuse me, Your Eminence." says the driver,
"Would you please take your seat so we can leave?"
"Well, to tell you the truth," says the Pope, "They never let me drive at
the Vatican, and I'd really like to drive today."
" I'm sorry but I cannot let you do that. I'd lose my job! And what if
something should happen?" protests the driver, wishing he'd never come to
work that morning.
"There might be something extra in it for you," says the Pope.
Reluctantly, the driver gets in the back as the Pope climbs in behind the
wheel. The driver quickly regrets his decision when, after exiting the
airport, the Supreme Pontiff floors it, accelerating the limo to 105 mph.
"Please slow down, Your Holiness!!!," pleads the worried driver, but the
Pope keeps the pedal to the metal until they hear sirens. " I'm gonna lose
my license," moans the driver.
The Pope pulls over and rolls down the window as the patrolman approaches,
but the cop takes one look at him, goes back to his motorcycle, and gets on
the radio. "I need to talk to the Chief," he says to the dispatcher.
The Chief gets on the radio and the cop tells him that he's stopped a limo
going a hundred and five. " So bust him," said the Chief.
"I don't think we want to do that; he's really important," said the cop.
"All the more reason."
"No, I mean really important," said the cop.
"What'd ya got there, the Governor?"
"Bigger."
"The President?."
"Bigger."
"Well," said the Chief, "Who is it?"
"I think it's God!"
"What makes you think it's God?"
"Cause he's got the Pope as his chauffeur"
Drive on
After getting all of Pope John-Paul's luggage loaded in the limo (and
His Holiness doesn't travel light), the driver notices that the Pope is
still standing on the curb. "Excuse me, Your Eminence." says the driver,
"Would you please take your seat so we can leave?"
"Well, to tell you the truth," says the Pope, "They never let me drive at
the Vatican, and I'd really like to drive today."
" I'm sorry but I cannot let you do that. I'd lose my job! And what if
something should happen?" protests the driver, wishing he'd never come to
work that morning.
"There might be something extra in it for you," says the Pope.
Reluctantly, the driver gets in the back as the Pope climbs in behind the
wheel. The driver quickly regrets his decision when, after exiting the
airport, the Supreme Pontiff floors it, accelerating the limo to 105 mph.
"Please slow down, Your Holiness!!!," pleads the worried driver, but the
Pope keeps the pedal to the metal until they hear sirens. " I'm gonna lose
my license," moans the driver.
The Pope pulls over and rolls down the window as the patrolman approaches,
but the cop takes one look at him, goes back to his motorcycle, and gets on
the radio. "I need to talk to the Chief," he says to the dispatcher.
The Chief gets on the radio and the cop tells him that he's stopped a limo
going a hundred and five. " So bust him," said the Chief.
"I don't think we want to do that; he's really important," said the cop.
"All the more reason."
"No, I mean really important," said the cop.
"What'd ya got there, the Governor?"
"Bigger."
"The President?."
"Bigger."
"Well," said the Chief, "Who is it?"
"I think it's God!"
"What makes you think it's God?"
"Cause he's got the Pope as his chauffeur"
Cavanaugh
Reply #767 Wednesday, March 26, 2003 11:25 PM
Reply #767 Wednesday, March 26, 2003 11:25 PM
some things to think about from my old bible school classes:
If god always was, and always will be ... what did he do before?
Moses took 2 of every animal on the ark right? If so, did he bring 2 ducks, if so why?
If god always was, and always will be ... what did he do before?
Moses took 2 of every animal on the ark right? If so, did he bring 2 ducks, if so why?
JamMeister33
Reply #768 Wednesday, March 26, 2003 11:49 PM
Reply #768 Wednesday, March 26, 2003 11:49 PM
Because he wanted to eat one of them for dinner of course.....
mrtee
Reply #769 Thursday, March 27, 2003 12:10 AM
Reply #769 Thursday, March 27, 2003 12:10 AM
Nah, wasn't Moses, he wandered in the desert.
Noah built the ark. And shipped on it as well.
Noah built the ark. And shipped on it as well.
JamMeister33
Reply #770 Thursday, March 27, 2003 12:12 AM
Reply #770 Thursday, March 27, 2003 12:12 AM
Another trick question, teaches you to really read what is written there and not make assumptions... hehe
Cavanaugh
Reply #771 Thursday, March 27, 2003 1:06 AM
Reply #771 Thursday, March 27, 2003 1:06 AM
true - my bad - ummm
knock knock.
who's there?
interrupting cow.
Interrupting c..MOOOOOOO!
knock knock.
who's there?
interrupting cow.
Interrupting c..MOOOOOOO!
mrtee
Reply #772 Thursday, March 27, 2003 3:26 PM
Reply #772 Thursday, March 27, 2003 3:26 PM
FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE
CONTACT Richard Schvanski, Corporate Communications
SOUTHCOAST BELLCOM TO CLEAN PHONE AND INTERNET ACCESS LINES
Los Angeles, CA - March 25, 2003 - Southcoast Bellcom, a subsidiary of PCG Communications, is preparing to join telephone companies throughout the U.S. in a nationwide "cleaning" of all phone and telecom lines this Sunday. "We do this about every 10 years," said a Richard Schvanski, spokesperson for the National Telephone Association. "Over time, dust collects in the lines and this leads to weak connections and static, as well as to broken and slow Internet connectivity."
To clean the lines, Schvanski said, all telephone companies will use air compressors at their central locations in each city to blow a blast of air through phone lines and cable networks. The 10-minute process will cause dust to blow through telephone receivers, fax and answering machines, and both traditional PC and DSL modems in homes and offices throughout the U.S.
Schvanski explained that most people are being urged to set a newspaper under their telecom device before going to bed Sunday night. The cleaning will be done between 2 a.m. and 4 a.m. so as to disturb as few people as possible, he said. In the past, the spokesperson said, some people have put a plastic baggy over their telephone's handset to catch the dust, or wrapped the handset with a cloth to keep dust from getting on their furniture. Cell phones, pagers, and other wireless devices are not affected.
Got that?
CONTACT Richard Schvanski, Corporate Communications
SOUTHCOAST BELLCOM TO CLEAN PHONE AND INTERNET ACCESS LINES
Los Angeles, CA - March 25, 2003 - Southcoast Bellcom, a subsidiary of PCG Communications, is preparing to join telephone companies throughout the U.S. in a nationwide "cleaning" of all phone and telecom lines this Sunday. "We do this about every 10 years," said a Richard Schvanski, spokesperson for the National Telephone Association. "Over time, dust collects in the lines and this leads to weak connections and static, as well as to broken and slow Internet connectivity."
To clean the lines, Schvanski said, all telephone companies will use air compressors at their central locations in each city to blow a blast of air through phone lines and cable networks. The 10-minute process will cause dust to blow through telephone receivers, fax and answering machines, and both traditional PC and DSL modems in homes and offices throughout the U.S.
Schvanski explained that most people are being urged to set a newspaper under their telecom device before going to bed Sunday night. The cleaning will be done between 2 a.m. and 4 a.m. so as to disturb as few people as possible, he said. In the past, the spokesperson said, some people have put a plastic baggy over their telephone's handset to catch the dust, or wrapped the handset with a cloth to keep dust from getting on their furniture. Cell phones, pagers, and other wireless devices are not affected.
Got that?
TODIE4
Reply #773 Thursday, March 27, 2003 4:24 PM
Reply #773 Thursday, March 27, 2003 4:24 PM
I don't know if this has been posted yet, if it has sorry 
A blonde and a brunette was watching T.V.
The news was on and there was a guy threating to jump off of a building.
The brunette says,"I bet you 5 dollars that that guy jumps."
The blonde say,"OK."
The guy jumps off the building.
The blonde hands the brunette 5 dollars.
The brunette says," I can't take your money, I watched the news earlier and I knew he was going to jump.
The blonde says," I watched the news to and I really didn't think he was going to jump again."
A blonde and a brunette was watching T.V.
The news was on and there was a guy threating to jump off of a building.
The brunette says,"I bet you 5 dollars that that guy jumps."
The blonde say,"OK."
The guy jumps off the building.
The blonde hands the brunette 5 dollars.
The brunette says," I can't take your money, I watched the news earlier and I knew he was going to jump.
The blonde says," I watched the news to and I really didn't think he was going to jump again."
Mr_Ph00ey2u
Reply #774 Thursday, March 27, 2003 8:54 PM Todie!
A priest, a doctor, and a professional golfer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers.
GOLFER: What's with these guys? We must have been waiting for 15 minutes!
DOCTOR: I don't know but I've never seen such ineptitude!
PRIEST: Hey, here comes the greenskeeper. Let's have a word with him. Hi George. Say George, what's with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow aren't they?
GEORGE: Oh yes. That's a group of blind fire fighters. They lost their sight while saving our club house last year. So we let them play here anytime free of charge!
(Silence!)
PRIEST: That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight.
DOCTOR: Good idea. And I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist buddy and see if there's anything he can do for them.
GOLFER: Why can't these guys play at night?
Reply #774 Thursday, March 27, 2003 8:54 PM
Todie!A priest, a doctor, and a professional golfer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers.
GOLFER: What's with these guys? We must have been waiting for 15 minutes!
DOCTOR: I don't know but I've never seen such ineptitude!
PRIEST: Hey, here comes the greenskeeper. Let's have a word with him. Hi George. Say George, what's with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow aren't they?
GEORGE: Oh yes. That's a group of blind fire fighters. They lost their sight while saving our club house last year. So we let them play here anytime free of charge!
(Silence!)
PRIEST: That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight.
DOCTOR: Good idea. And I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist buddy and see if there's anything he can do for them.
GOLFER: Why can't these guys play at night?
werewolf
Reply #776 Friday, March 28, 2003 12:27 PM
Reply #776 Friday, March 28, 2003 12:27 PM
Sorry for the Formating...my Dad just sent this to me.
With all of this talk of impending war, many of us will encounter
"Peace
Activists" who will try and convince us that we must refrain from
retaliating against the ones who terrorized us all on September
11,2001.
These activists may be alone or in a gathering.....most of us don't
know
how
to react to them. When you come upon one of these people, or one of
their
rallies, here are the proper rules of etiquette:
1. Listen politely while this person explains their views. Strike up a
conversation if necessary and look very interested in their ideas.
They
will
tell you how revenge is immoral, and that by attacking the people who
did
this to us, we will only bring on more violence. They will probably
use
many
arguments, ranging from political to religious to humanitarian.
2. In the middle of their remarks, without any warning, punch them in
the
nose.
3. When the person gets up off of the ground, they will be very angry
and
they may try to hit you, so be careful.
4. Very quickly and calmly remind the person that violence only brings
about
more violence and remind them of their stand on this matter. Tell them
if
they are really committed to a nonviolent approach to undeserved
attacks,
they will turn the other cheek and negotiate a solution. Tell them
they
must
lead by example if they really believe what they are saying.
5. Most of them will think for a moment and then agree that you are
correct.
6. As soon as they do that, hit them again. Only this time hit them
much
harder. Square in the nose.
7. Repeat steps 2-5 until the desired results are obtained and the
idiot
realizes how stupid an argument he/she is making.
8. There is no difference in an individual attacking an unsuspecting
victim
or a group of terrorists attacking a nation of people. It is
unacceptable
and must be dealt with. Perhaps at a high cost. We owe our military a
huge
debt for what they are about to do for us and our children. We must
support
them and our leaders at times like these. We have no choice.
We either strike back, VERY HARD, or we will keep getting hit in the
nose.
With all of this talk of impending war, many of us will encounter
"Peace
Activists" who will try and convince us that we must refrain from
retaliating against the ones who terrorized us all on September
11,2001.
These activists may be alone or in a gathering.....most of us don't
know
how
to react to them. When you come upon one of these people, or one of
their
rallies, here are the proper rules of etiquette:
1. Listen politely while this person explains their views. Strike up a
conversation if necessary and look very interested in their ideas.
They
will
tell you how revenge is immoral, and that by attacking the people who
did
this to us, we will only bring on more violence. They will probably
use
many
arguments, ranging from political to religious to humanitarian.
2. In the middle of their remarks, without any warning, punch them in
the
nose.
3. When the person gets up off of the ground, they will be very angry
and
they may try to hit you, so be careful.
4. Very quickly and calmly remind the person that violence only brings
about
more violence and remind them of their stand on this matter. Tell them
if
they are really committed to a nonviolent approach to undeserved
attacks,
they will turn the other cheek and negotiate a solution. Tell them
they
must
lead by example if they really believe what they are saying.
5. Most of them will think for a moment and then agree that you are
correct.
6. As soon as they do that, hit them again. Only this time hit them
much
harder. Square in the nose.
7. Repeat steps 2-5 until the desired results are obtained and the
idiot
realizes how stupid an argument he/she is making.
8. There is no difference in an individual attacking an unsuspecting
victim
or a group of terrorists attacking a nation of people. It is
unacceptable
and must be dealt with. Perhaps at a high cost. We owe our military a
huge
debt for what they are about to do for us and our children. We must
support
them and our leaders at times like these. We have no choice.
We either strike back, VERY HARD, or we will keep getting hit in the
nose.
mrtee
Reply #777 Friday, March 28, 2003 1:56 PM
Reply #777 Friday, March 28, 2003 1:56 PM
Just remember,
it takes 42 muscles to smile,
but only 3 to cold clock the s. o. b.
it takes 42 muscles to smile,
but only 3 to cold clock the s. o. b.
Kimbabe
Reply #778 Friday, March 28, 2003 4:05 PM IPlural!
Did I say something funny?
Good one werewolf!
Reply #778 Friday, March 28, 2003 4:05 PM
IPlural! Did I say something funny?
Good one werewolf!
Mr_Ph00ey2u
Reply #779 Friday, March 28, 2003 8:14 PM
Reply #779 Friday, March 28, 2003 8:14 PM
Dogfight
Bush and Saddam decided to settle the war once and for all. They sat down and decided to settle the whole dispute with one dog fight. They would have five years to breed the best fighting dog in the world and whichever side's dog won would be entitled to dominate the world. Saddam found the biggest, meanest Doberman and Rottweiler female dogs in the world and bred them with the meanest Siberian wolves. They selected only the biggest and strongest puppy from the litter, and removed his siblings, which gave him all the milk. After 5 years, they came up with the biggest, meanest dog the world had ever seen. Its cage needed steel bars that were 5" thick and nobody could get near it. When the day came for the dog fight, Bush showed up with a strange looking animal. It was a 9-foot-long Dachshund. Everyone felt sorry for Bush because there was no way that this dog could possibly last 10 seconds with the Iraqi dog. When the cages were opened, the Dachshund came out of it's cage and slowly waddled over towards Saddam's dog. Saddam's dog snarled and leaped out of it's cage and charged the American Dachshund--but when it got close enough to bite, the Dachshund opened its mouth and consumed Saddam's dog in one bite. There was nothing left of his dog at all. Saddam came up to Bush, shaking his head in disbelief. "We don't understand how this could have happened. We had our best people working for 5 years with the meanest Doberman and Rottweiler female dogs in the world and the biggest, meanest Siberian wolves." That's nothing," said Bush. "We had the best plastic surgeons working for 5 years to make that alligator look like a weenie dog." GOD BLESS AMERICA
Bush and Saddam decided to settle the war once and for all. They sat down and decided to settle the whole dispute with one dog fight. They would have five years to breed the best fighting dog in the world and whichever side's dog won would be entitled to dominate the world. Saddam found the biggest, meanest Doberman and Rottweiler female dogs in the world and bred them with the meanest Siberian wolves. They selected only the biggest and strongest puppy from the litter, and removed his siblings, which gave him all the milk. After 5 years, they came up with the biggest, meanest dog the world had ever seen. Its cage needed steel bars that were 5" thick and nobody could get near it. When the day came for the dog fight, Bush showed up with a strange looking animal. It was a 9-foot-long Dachshund. Everyone felt sorry for Bush because there was no way that this dog could possibly last 10 seconds with the Iraqi dog. When the cages were opened, the Dachshund came out of it's cage and slowly waddled over towards Saddam's dog. Saddam's dog snarled and leaped out of it's cage and charged the American Dachshund--but when it got close enough to bite, the Dachshund opened its mouth and consumed Saddam's dog in one bite. There was nothing left of his dog at all. Saddam came up to Bush, shaking his head in disbelief. "We don't understand how this could have happened. We had our best people working for 5 years with the meanest Doberman and Rottweiler female dogs in the world and the biggest, meanest Siberian wolves." That's nothing," said Bush. "We had the best plastic surgeons working for 5 years to make that alligator look like a weenie dog."
GOD BLESS AMERICA 
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Reply #761 Wednesday, March 26, 2003 11:29 AM
by George Carlin
I Am Your Worst Nightmare. I am a BAD American.
I am George Carlin.
I believe the money I make belongs to me and my family, not some mid level governmental functionary be it Democratic or Republican!
I'm in touch with my feelings and I like it that way, damn it!
I think owning a gun doesn't make you a killer, it makes you a smart American.
I think being a minority does not make you noble or victimized, and does not entitle you to anything.
I believe that if you are selling me a Big Mac, try to do it in English.
I think fireworks should be legal on the 4th of July.
I think that being a student doesn't give you any more enlightenment than working at Blockbuster. In fact, if your parents are footing the bill to put your pansy ass through 4 years plus, of college, you haven't begun to be enlightened.
I believe everyone has a right to pray to his or her God when and where they want to.
My heroes are John Wayne, Babe Ruth, Roy Rogers, and whoever canceled Jerry Springer.
I don't hate the rich. I don't pity the poor.
I know wrestling is fake and I don't waste my time arguing about it.
I think global warming is a big lie. Where are all those experts now, when I'm freezing my ass off during these long winters and paying, paying, paying?
I've never owned a slave, or was a slave, I didn't wander forty years In the desert after
getting chased out of Egypt. I haven't burned any witches or been persecuted by the Turks and neither have you! So, shut-the-Hell-up already.
I want to know which church is it exactly where the Reverend Jesse Jackson practices, where he gets his money, and why he is always part of the problem and not the solution. Can I get an AMEN on that one?
I think the cops have every right to shoot your sorry ass if you're running from them.
I also think they have the right to pull your ass over if you're breaking the law, regardless of what color you are.
I think if you are too stupid to know how a ballot works, I don't want you deciding who should be running the most powerful nation in the world for the next four years.
I dislike those people standing in the intersections trying to sell me crap or trying to guilt me into making "donations" to their cause. These people should be targets.
I believe that it doesn't take a village to raise a child, it takes two parents.
And what the hell is going on with gas prices... again?
If this makes me a BAD American, then yes, I'm a BAD American.
If you are a BAD American too, please forward this to everyone you know.