Messageboard Joke Marathon
Sunday, January 19, 2003 by Mr_Ph00ey2u | Discussion: WinCustomize Talk
Ok...bring on your best or worst but leave everyone laughing 
Joke Rulez
1. Let's keep them PG. WC is a Family Place.
2. Links to Funny Pics or Flash files are welcome.
3. Throwing fruit and veggies at bad jokes is encouraged!
Joke Rulez
1. Let's keep them PG. WC is a Family Place.
2. Links to Funny Pics or Flash files are welcome.
3. Throwing fruit and veggies at bad jokes is encouraged!
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Weaksid
Reply #442 Tuesday, February 4, 2003 11:07 AM
Reply #442 Tuesday, February 4, 2003 11:07 AM
Plus if somebody reads 442 messages, they just have too much time on their hands 
werewolf
Reply #443 Tuesday, February 4, 2003 12:33 PM
Reply #443 Tuesday, February 4, 2003 12:33 PM
http://www.passitaround.com/greetingcard/cardgifs/full/ap/3024535/graphic1.swf
Mr_Ph00ey2u
Reply #444 Tuesday, February 4, 2003 12:36 PM
Keila! Weaksid!
Things that make ya go hmmmmm
If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be
delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry
cleaners depressed?
Ever wonder about those people who spend $2.00 a piece on those little bottles of Evian water? Try spelling Evian backwards: Naive.
Isn't making a smoking section in a restaurant like making a peeing section in a swimming pool?
So if the Jacksonville Jaguars are known as the "Jags" and the Tampa Bay Buccaneers are known as the "Bucs", what does that make the Tennessee Titans?
If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea. does that mean that one enjoys it?
If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren't people from Holland called Holes?
Why do we say something is out of whack? What's a whack?
If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?
If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
Why do croutons come in airtight packages? Aren't they just stale bread to begin with?
Why are a wise man and a wise guy opposites?
Why do overlook and oversee mean opposite things?
Why isn't the number 11 pronounced onety one?
Do Lipton Tea employees take coffee breaks?
What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men?
Whatever happened to Preparations A through G?
Reply #444 Tuesday, February 4, 2003 12:36 PM
Keila! Weaksid!Things that make ya go hmmmmm
If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be
delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry
cleaners depressed?
Ever wonder about those people who spend $2.00 a piece on those little bottles of Evian water? Try spelling Evian backwards: Naive.
Isn't making a smoking section in a restaurant like making a peeing section in a swimming pool?
So if the Jacksonville Jaguars are known as the "Jags" and the Tampa Bay Buccaneers are known as the "Bucs", what does that make the Tennessee Titans?
If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea. does that mean that one enjoys it?
If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren't people from Holland called Holes?
Why do we say something is out of whack? What's a whack?
If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?
If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
Why do croutons come in airtight packages? Aren't they just stale bread to begin with?
Why are a wise man and a wise guy opposites?
Why do overlook and oversee mean opposite things?
Why isn't the number 11 pronounced onety one?
Do Lipton Tea employees take coffee breaks?
What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men?
Whatever happened to Preparations A through G?
Mr_Ph00ey2u
Reply #446 Tuesday, February 4, 2003 12:56 PM
Reply #446 Tuesday, February 4, 2003 12:56 PM
Good one mr. werewolf...I squished 24 terrorist!
Mr_Ph00ey2u
Reply #447 Tuesday, February 4, 2003 1:07 PM
Reply #447 Tuesday, February 4, 2003 1:07 PM
TEN REASONS TO GO TO WORK NAKED
10. No one ever steals your chair.
9. Gives "bad hair day" a whole new meaning.
8. Diverts attention from the fact that you also came to work drunk.
7. People stop stealing your pens after they've seen where you keep them.
6. You want to see if it's like the dream.
5. To stop those creepy programmer guys from looking down your blouse.
4. "I'd love to chip in... but I left my wallet in my pants."
3. Inventive way to finally meet that 'special' person in Human Resources.
2. Can take advantage of your computer monitor radiation to work on your tan.
And...drum roll...the Number One reason to go to work naked :
1. Your boss will never say, "I wanna see your a** in here by 8:00!" ever again.
Lunch is over, get back to work!
10. No one ever steals your chair.
9. Gives "bad hair day" a whole new meaning.
8. Diverts attention from the fact that you also came to work drunk.
7. People stop stealing your pens after they've seen where you keep them.
6. You want to see if it's like the dream.
5. To stop those creepy programmer guys from looking down your blouse.
4. "I'd love to chip in... but I left my wallet in my pants."
3. Inventive way to finally meet that 'special' person in Human Resources.
2. Can take advantage of your computer monitor radiation to work on your tan.
And...drum roll...the Number One reason to go to work naked :
1. Your boss will never say, "I wanna see your a** in here by 8:00!" ever again.
Lunch is over, get back to work!
Mr_Ph00ey2u
Reply #449 Tuesday, February 4, 2003 5:15 PM
Reply #449 Tuesday, February 4, 2003 5:15 PM
Idiots awards - 2002
I am a medical student currently doing a rotation in
toxicology at the poison control centre. Today, this woman called in very upset
because she caught her little daughter eating ants. I quickly reassured her the
ants are not harmful and there would be no need to bring her daughter into
the hospital. She calmed down and at the end of the conversation happened
to mention that she gave her daughter some ant poison to eat in order to
kill the ants. I told her that she better bring her daughter into the
emergency room right away.
DOH!
A true story out of San Francisco: A man, wanting to rob a
downtown Bank of America, walked into the branch and wrote "this iz a
stikkup. Put all your muny in this bag." While standing in line,
waiting to give his note to the teller, he began to worry that someone had seen
him write the note and might call the police before he reached the teller's
window. So he left the Bank of America and crossed the street to Wells
Fargo. After waiting a few minutes in line, he handed his note to the
Wells Fargo teller. She read it and, surmising from his spelling errors that
hewasn't the brightest light in the harbor, told him that she could not
accept his stickup note because it was written on a Bank of America deposit
slip and that he would either have to fill out a Wells Fargo deposit slip or
go back to Bank of America. Looking somewhat defeated, the man said, "OK"
and left. He was arrested a few minutes later, as he was waiting in line
back at Bank of America.
HMNN
Guy walked into a little corner store with a shotgun and
demanded all of the cash from the cash drawer. After the cashier put
the cash in a bag, the robber saw a bottle of Scotch that he wanted behind
the counter on the shelf. He told the cashier to put it in the bag as well,
but the cashier refused and said, "Because I don't believe you are over
21."The robber said he was, but the clerk still refused to give it to him
because he didn't believe him. At this point, the robber took his driver's license
out of his wallet and gave it to the clerk. The clerk looked it over and
agreed that the man was in fact over 21 and he put the Scotch in the bag. The
robber then ran from the store with his loot. The cashier promptly
called the police and gave the name and address of the robber that he got off
the license. They arrested the robber two hours later.
End of the workday...time to go home! 
I am a medical student currently doing a rotation in
toxicology at the poison control centre. Today, this woman called in very upset
because she caught her little daughter eating ants. I quickly reassured her the
ants are not harmful and there would be no need to bring her daughter into
the hospital. She calmed down and at the end of the conversation happened
to mention that she gave her daughter some ant poison to eat in order to
kill the ants. I told her that she better bring her daughter into the
emergency room right away.
DOH!
A true story out of San Francisco: A man, wanting to rob a
downtown Bank of America, walked into the branch and wrote "this iz a
stikkup. Put all your muny in this bag." While standing in line,
waiting to give his note to the teller, he began to worry that someone had seen
him write the note and might call the police before he reached the teller's
window. So he left the Bank of America and crossed the street to Wells
Fargo. After waiting a few minutes in line, he handed his note to the
Wells Fargo teller. She read it and, surmising from his spelling errors that
hewasn't the brightest light in the harbor, told him that she could not
accept his stickup note because it was written on a Bank of America deposit
slip and that he would either have to fill out a Wells Fargo deposit slip or
go back to Bank of America. Looking somewhat defeated, the man said, "OK"
and left. He was arrested a few minutes later, as he was waiting in line
back at Bank of America.
HMNN
Guy walked into a little corner store with a shotgun and
demanded all of the cash from the cash drawer. After the cashier put
the cash in a bag, the robber saw a bottle of Scotch that he wanted behind
the counter on the shelf. He told the cashier to put it in the bag as well,
but the cashier refused and said, "Because I don't believe you are over
21."The robber said he was, but the clerk still refused to give it to him
because he didn't believe him. At this point, the robber took his driver's license
out of his wallet and gave it to the clerk. The clerk looked it over and
agreed that the man was in fact over 21 and he put the Scotch in the bag. The
robber then ran from the store with his loot. The cashier promptly
called the police and gave the name and address of the robber that he got off
the license. They arrested the robber two hours later.
End of the workday...time to go home! 
Mr_Ph00ey2u
Reply #450 Tuesday, February 4, 2003 9:02 PM
HOW TO KNOW WHETHER OR NOT YOU ARE READY TO HAVE KIDS:
MESS TEST
Smear peanut butter on the sofa and curtains. Place a fish stick behind
the couch and leave it there all summer.
TOY TEST
Obtain a 55 gallon box of Legos (or you may substitute roofing tacks).
Have a friend spread them all over the house. Put on a blindfold. Try to walk
to the bathroom or kitchen. Do not scream because this would wake a child
at night.
GROCERY STORE TEST
Borrow one or two small animals (goats are best) and take them with you as
you shop. Always keep them in sight and pay for anything they eat or
damage.
DRESSING TEST
Obtain one large, unhappy, live octopus. Stuff into a small net bag making
sure that all the arms stay inside.
FEEDING TEST
Obtain a large plastic milk jug. Fill halfway with water. Suspend from
the ceiling with a cord. Start the jug swinging. Try to insert spoonfuls of
soggy cereal into the mouth of the jug, while pretending to be an airplane.
Now dump the contents of the jug on the floor.
NIGHT TEST
Prepare by obtaining a small cloth bag and fill it with 8-12 pounds of
sand. Soak it thoroughly in water. At 3:00p.m. begin to waltz and hum with the
bag until 9:00p.m. Lay down your bag and set your alarm for 10:00p.m.Get
up, pick up your bag, and sing every song you have ever heard. Make up about
a dozen more and sing these too until 4:00a.m. Set alarm for 5:00a.m. Get
up and make breakfast. Keep this up for 5 years. Look cheerful.
INGENUITY TEST
Take an egg carton. Using a pair of scissors and pot of paint, turn it
into an alligator. Now take a toilet paper tube and turn it into an attractive
Christmas candle. Use only scotch tape and a piece of foil. Last, take a
milk carton, a ping-pong ball, and an empty box of Cocoa Puffs. Make an
exact replica of the Eiffel Tower.
AUTOMOBILE TEST
Forget the BMW and buy a station wagon. Buy a chocolate ice cream cone and
put it in the glove compartment. Leave it there. Get a dime. Stick it into
the cassette player. Take a family size package of chocolate chip cookies.
Mash them into the back seat. Run a garden rake along both sides of the
car. There, perfect.
PHYSICAL TEST (Women)
Obtain a large bean bag chair and attach it to the front of your clothes.
Leave it there for 9 months. Now remove 10 of the beans. And try not to
notice your closet full of clothes. You won't be wearing them for a while.
PHYSICAL TEST (Men)
Go to the nearest drug store. Set your wallet on the counter. Ask the
clerk to help himself. Now proceed to the nearest food store. Go to the head
office and arrange for your paycheck to be directly deposited to the store.
Purchase a newspaper. Go home and read it quietly for the last time.
FINAL ASSIGNMENT
Find a couple who already has a small child. Lecture them on how they can
improve their discipline, patience, tolerance, toilet training and child's
table manners. Suggest many ways they can improve. Emphasize to them that
they should never allow their children to run wild. Enjoy this experience.
It will be the last time you will have all the answers.
Reply #450 Tuesday, February 4, 2003 9:02 PM
HOW TO KNOW WHETHER OR NOT YOU ARE READY TO HAVE KIDS:
MESS TEST
Smear peanut butter on the sofa and curtains. Place a fish stick behind
the couch and leave it there all summer.
TOY TEST
Obtain a 55 gallon box of Legos (or you may substitute roofing tacks).
Have a friend spread them all over the house. Put on a blindfold. Try to walk
to the bathroom or kitchen. Do not scream because this would wake a child
at night.
GROCERY STORE TEST
Borrow one or two small animals (goats are best) and take them with you as
you shop. Always keep them in sight and pay for anything they eat or
damage.
DRESSING TEST
Obtain one large, unhappy, live octopus. Stuff into a small net bag making
sure that all the arms stay inside.
FEEDING TEST
Obtain a large plastic milk jug. Fill halfway with water. Suspend from
the ceiling with a cord. Start the jug swinging. Try to insert spoonfuls of
soggy cereal into the mouth of the jug, while pretending to be an airplane.
Now dump the contents of the jug on the floor.
NIGHT TEST
Prepare by obtaining a small cloth bag and fill it with 8-12 pounds of
sand. Soak it thoroughly in water. At 3:00p.m. begin to waltz and hum with the
bag until 9:00p.m. Lay down your bag and set your alarm for 10:00p.m.Get
up, pick up your bag, and sing every song you have ever heard. Make up about
a dozen more and sing these too until 4:00a.m. Set alarm for 5:00a.m. Get
up and make breakfast. Keep this up for 5 years. Look cheerful.
INGENUITY TEST
Take an egg carton. Using a pair of scissors and pot of paint, turn it
into an alligator. Now take a toilet paper tube and turn it into an attractive
Christmas candle. Use only scotch tape and a piece of foil. Last, take a
milk carton, a ping-pong ball, and an empty box of Cocoa Puffs. Make an
exact replica of the Eiffel Tower.
AUTOMOBILE TEST
Forget the BMW and buy a station wagon. Buy a chocolate ice cream cone and
put it in the glove compartment. Leave it there. Get a dime. Stick it into
the cassette player. Take a family size package of chocolate chip cookies.
Mash them into the back seat. Run a garden rake along both sides of the
car. There, perfect.
PHYSICAL TEST (Women)
Obtain a large bean bag chair and attach it to the front of your clothes.
Leave it there for 9 months. Now remove 10 of the beans. And try not to
notice your closet full of clothes. You won't be wearing them for a while.
PHYSICAL TEST (Men)
Go to the nearest drug store. Set your wallet on the counter. Ask the
clerk to help himself. Now proceed to the nearest food store. Go to the head
office and arrange for your paycheck to be directly deposited to the store.
Purchase a newspaper. Go home and read it quietly for the last time.
FINAL ASSIGNMENT
Find a couple who already has a small child. Lecture them on how they can
improve their discipline, patience, tolerance, toilet training and child's
table manners. Suggest many ways they can improve. Emphasize to them that
they should never allow their children to run wild. Enjoy this experience.
It will be the last time you will have all the answers.
Mr_Ph00ey2u
Reply #451 Tuesday, February 4, 2003 10:15 PM
Reply #451 Tuesday, February 4, 2003 10:15 PM
Texas Vasectomy
After having their 11th child, a Texas couple decided that was enough (they could not afford a larger double wide). So, the husband went to his doctor (who also treated mules) and told him that he and his wife/cousin didn't want to have any more children. The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that could fix the problem. The doctor instructed him to go home, get a cherry bomb (fireworks are legal in Texas), light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to his ear and count to 10.
The Texan said to the doctor, "I might not be the smartest guy in the world, but I don't see how puttin' a cherry bomb in a beer can next to my ear is gonna help me."
So, the couple drove to Georgia to get a second opinion. The Georgia physician was just about to tell them about the procedure for a vasectomy when he noticed that they were from Texas. This doctor instead told the man to go home and get a cherry bomb, light it, place it in a beer can, hold it to his ear and count to 10.
Figuring that two, learned physicians couldn't be wrong, the man went home, lit a cherry bomb and put it in a beer can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count. "1, 2, 3, 4, 5 . . .", at which point he stopped, placed the beer can between his legs and resumed counting on his other hand.
This medical procedure also works in Tennessee, West Virginia, Kentucky and Arkansas.
After having their 11th child, a Texas couple decided that was enough (they could not afford a larger double wide). So, the husband went to his doctor (who also treated mules) and told him that he and his wife/cousin didn't want to have any more children. The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that could fix the problem. The doctor instructed him to go home, get a cherry bomb (fireworks are legal in Texas), light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to his ear and count to 10.
The Texan said to the doctor, "I might not be the smartest guy in the world, but I don't see how puttin' a cherry bomb in a beer can next to my ear is gonna help me."
So, the couple drove to Georgia to get a second opinion. The Georgia physician was just about to tell them about the procedure for a vasectomy when he noticed that they were from Texas. This doctor instead told the man to go home and get a cherry bomb, light it, place it in a beer can, hold it to his ear and count to 10.
Figuring that two, learned physicians couldn't be wrong, the man went home, lit a cherry bomb and put it in a beer can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count. "1, 2, 3, 4, 5 . . .", at which point he stopped, placed the beer can between his legs and resumed counting on his other hand.
This medical procedure also works in Tennessee, West Virginia, Kentucky and Arkansas.
Mr_Ph00ey2u
Reply #452 Tuesday, February 4, 2003 10:55 PM
Reply #452 Tuesday, February 4, 2003 10:55 PM
My cousin in New Jersey sent me this...
A Texan, a New Yorker, and a New Jersey resident were drinking their favorite beverage in a bar.
The Texan drained his glass of tequila, threw the half-full bottle up in the air, drew and fired his pistol, shattering the bottle. The other two guys were shocked at his ruining perfectly good tequila.
The Texan, however, simply drew himself up and announced: "Where I come from, we have plenty of tequila."
The New Yorker, not to be outdone, drained his glass of wine, threw the half-full wine bottle into the air, drew and fired his pistol, also shattering his bottle. Looking over at the other two with an air of superiority characteristic of New Yorkers, he announced, "Where I come from, we have plenty of fine wine and the best of everything!"
The New Jersey resident drained his bottle of Yuengling Lager, threw it up in the air, drew his pistol and shot the New Yorker dead. He then caught the bottle on the way down and showed it to the Texan: "Where I come from," he said slowly, "we recycle bottles.... and we have too many New Yorkers."
A Texan, a New Yorker, and a New Jersey resident were drinking their favorite beverage in a bar.
The Texan drained his glass of tequila, threw the half-full bottle up in the air, drew and fired his pistol, shattering the bottle. The other two guys were shocked at his ruining perfectly good tequila.
The Texan, however, simply drew himself up and announced: "Where I come from, we have plenty of tequila."
The New Yorker, not to be outdone, drained his glass of wine, threw the half-full wine bottle into the air, drew and fired his pistol, also shattering his bottle. Looking over at the other two with an air of superiority characteristic of New Yorkers, he announced, "Where I come from, we have plenty of fine wine and the best of everything!"
The New Jersey resident drained his bottle of Yuengling Lager, threw it up in the air, drew his pistol and shot the New Yorker dead. He then caught the bottle on the way down and showed it to the Texan: "Where I come from," he said slowly, "we recycle bottles.... and we have too many New Yorkers."
Mr_Ph00ey2u
Reply #454 Tuesday, February 4, 2003 11:49 PM
Reply #454 Tuesday, February 4, 2003 11:49 PM
One Sunday a cowboy went to church. When he entered, he saw that he and the preacher were the only ones present.
The preacher asked the cowboy if he wanted him to go ahead and preach.
The cowboy said, "I'm not too smart, but if I went to feed my cattle and only one showed up, I'd feed him."
So the minister began his sermon.
One hour passed, then two hours, then two-and-a-half hours.
The preacher finally finished and came down to ask the cowboy how he liked the sermon.
The cowboy answered slowly, "Well, I'm not very smart, but if I went to feed my cattle and only one showed up, I sure wouldn't feed him all the hay."
The preacher asked the cowboy if he wanted him to go ahead and preach.
The cowboy said, "I'm not too smart, but if I went to feed my cattle and only one showed up, I'd feed him."
So the minister began his sermon.
One hour passed, then two hours, then two-and-a-half hours.
The preacher finally finished and came down to ask the cowboy how he liked the sermon.
The cowboy answered slowly, "Well, I'm not very smart, but if I went to feed my cattle and only one showed up, I sure wouldn't feed him all the hay."
Mr_Ph00ey2u
Reply #455 Wednesday, February 5, 2003 12:19 AM
Reply #455 Wednesday, February 5, 2003 12:19 AM
A woman down on her luck is walking through a well-to-do neighborhood looking for odd jobs when she approaches this one house. She goes up to the house, rings the bell and the
owner comes to the door. He asks the lady what he can do for her.
The lady tells him of her situation, that she is down on her luck and wants to know if he has any odd jobs that she could do. The man thinks about it for a second and then remembers
that he has been wanting his porch painted.
He asks the woman if she paints.
The women says, "Sure, anything."
The man replies, "Well, I have been wanting my porch painted, how much would you charge?"
Responding quickly, "I don't know, say $50 bucks."
To the man's delight, "Sounds good. Go ahead and get started."
He closes the door and walks back inside. His wife asks him, "Who was at the door?"
He tells her of the women and her situation and then told his wife that the women agreed to paint the porch for $50 bucks.
The astonished wife says, "$50 bucks! But, that porch goes the full length of our house and then some. It will be at least a few hours' job. You really should pay her more."
He responds, "But that's all she said she wanted."
10 minutes later, they get a knock on the door. The man answers the door and the women is there and she says, "I'm done."
With a surprised look on his face, "I can't believe it, you're already done painting the entire porch?"
"Yes, and by the way it's not a porch it's a Ferrari."
Say goodnight, Gracie
owner comes to the door. He asks the lady what he can do for her.
The lady tells him of her situation, that she is down on her luck and wants to know if he has any odd jobs that she could do. The man thinks about it for a second and then remembers
that he has been wanting his porch painted.
He asks the woman if she paints.
The women says, "Sure, anything."
The man replies, "Well, I have been wanting my porch painted, how much would you charge?"
Responding quickly, "I don't know, say $50 bucks."
To the man's delight, "Sounds good. Go ahead and get started."
He closes the door and walks back inside. His wife asks him, "Who was at the door?"
He tells her of the women and her situation and then told his wife that the women agreed to paint the porch for $50 bucks.
The astonished wife says, "$50 bucks! But, that porch goes the full length of our house and then some. It will be at least a few hours' job. You really should pay her more."
He responds, "But that's all she said she wanted."
10 minutes later, they get a knock on the door. The man answers the door and the women is there and she says, "I'm done."
With a surprised look on his face, "I can't believe it, you're already done painting the entire porch?"
"Yes, and by the way it's not a porch it's a Ferrari."
Say goodnight, Gracie
Weaksid
Reply #456 Wednesday, February 5, 2003 1:21 AM
Reply #456 Wednesday, February 5, 2003 1:21 AM
George Phillips of Meridian, Mississippi was going up to bed when his
> wife told him that he'd left the light on in the garden shed, which she
> could see
> from the bedroom window.
> George opened the back door to go turn off the light, but saw that there
> were people in the shed stealing things.
> He phoned the police, who asked "Is someone in your house?" and he said
> no. Then they said that all patrols were busy, and that he should simply
> lock his door and an officer would be along when available.
> George said "Okay," hung up, counted to 30, and phoned the police again.
> "Hello. I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people in
> my shed. Well, you don't have to worry about them now because I've just
> shot them all." Then he hung up.
> Within five minutes, three police cars, an Armed Response unit, and an
> ambulance showed up at the Phillips' residence. Of course, the police
> caught the burglars red-handed.
> One of the policemen said to George: "I thought you said that you'd shot
> them!"
> George said, "I thought you said there was nobody available!"
> (True Story)
> wife told him that he'd left the light on in the garden shed, which she
> could see
> from the bedroom window.
> George opened the back door to go turn off the light, but saw that there
> were people in the shed stealing things.
> He phoned the police, who asked "Is someone in your house?" and he said
> no. Then they said that all patrols were busy, and that he should simply
> lock his door and an officer would be along when available.
> George said "Okay," hung up, counted to 30, and phoned the police again.
> "Hello. I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people in
> my shed. Well, you don't have to worry about them now because I've just
> shot them all." Then he hung up.
> Within five minutes, three police cars, an Armed Response unit, and an
> ambulance showed up at the Phillips' residence. Of course, the police
> caught the burglars red-handed.
> One of the policemen said to George: "I thought you said that you'd shot
> them!"
> George said, "I thought you said there was nobody available!"
> (True Story)
Mr_Ph00ey2u
Reply #457 Wednesday, February 5, 2003 7:19 AM
Reply #457 Wednesday, February 5, 2003 7:19 AM
A young man excitedly tells his mother he's fallen in love and is going to get married. He says, "Just for fun, Ma, I'm going to bring over 2 other female friends in addition
to my fiancee and you try and guess which one I'm going to marry."
The next day, he brings 3 beautiful women into the house and sits them down on the couch and they chat for a while. He then says, "Okay, Ma. Guess which one I'm going to marry."
She immediately replies, "The red-head in the middle."
"That's amazing, Ma. You're right, how did you know?"
The mother replies, "I don't like her."
Off to work!
to my fiancee and you try and guess which one I'm going to marry."
The next day, he brings 3 beautiful women into the house and sits them down on the couch and they chat for a while. He then says, "Okay, Ma. Guess which one I'm going to marry."
She immediately replies, "The red-head in the middle."
"That's amazing, Ma. You're right, how did you know?"
The mother replies, "I don't like her."
Off to work!
Mr_Ph00ey2u
Reply #458 Wednesday, February 5, 2003 12:23 PM
Reply #458 Wednesday, February 5, 2003 12:23 PM
Toilet Paper
Fresh from her shower, a woman stands in front of the mirror, complaining to her husband that her breasts are too small.
Instead of characteristically telling her it's not so, the husband uncharacteristically comes up with a suggestion: "If you want your breasts to grow, then every day take a piece of toilet paper and rub it between your breasts for a few seconds."
Willing to try anything, the wife fetches a piece of toilet paper and stands in front of the mirror, rubbing it between her breasts. "How long will this take?" she asks.
"They'll grow larger over a period of years," he replies.
The wife stops. "Why do you think rubbing a piece of toilet paper between my breasts every day will make my breasts grow over the years?"
Without missing a beat the husband says, "Worked for your butt, didn't it?"
He lived, and with a great deal of therapy may even walk again.
Fresh from her shower, a woman stands in front of the mirror, complaining to her husband that her breasts are too small.
Instead of characteristically telling her it's not so, the husband uncharacteristically comes up with a suggestion: "If you want your breasts to grow, then every day take a piece of toilet paper and rub it between your breasts for a few seconds."
Willing to try anything, the wife fetches a piece of toilet paper and stands in front of the mirror, rubbing it between her breasts. "How long will this take?" she asks.
"They'll grow larger over a period of years," he replies.
The wife stops. "Why do you think rubbing a piece of toilet paper between my breasts every day will make my breasts grow over the years?"
Without missing a beat the husband says, "Worked for your butt, didn't it?"
He lived, and with a great deal of therapy may even walk again.
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Reply #441 Tuesday, February 4, 2003 11:07 AM