Messageboard Joke Marathon
Sunday, January 19, 2003 by Mr_Ph00ey2u | Discussion: WinCustomize Talk
Ok...bring on your best or worst but leave everyone laughing 
Joke Rulez
1. Let's keep them PG. WC is a Family Place.
2. Links to Funny Pics or Flash files are welcome.
3. Throwing fruit and veggies at bad jokes is encouraged!
Joke Rulez
1. Let's keep them PG. WC is a Family Place.
2. Links to Funny Pics or Flash files are welcome.
3. Throwing fruit and veggies at bad jokes is encouraged!
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Mr_Ph00ey2u
Reply #423 Monday, February 3, 2003 12:46 PM
Reply #423 Monday, February 3, 2003 12:46 PM
Shmoopy!
Weaksid...organized?? moi???
Thank You mtwish!
Things To Say To Telemarketers
1. If they want to loan you money, tell them you just filed for bankruptcy and you could sure use some money.
2. If they start out with, "How are you today?" say, "I'm so glad you asked, because no one these days seems to care, and I have all these problems. My arthritis is acting up, my eyelashes
are sore, my dog just died . . . "
3. If they say they're John Doe from XYZ Company, ask them to spell their name. Then ask them to spell the company name. Then ask them where it is located, how long it has been in business, how many people work there, how they got into this line of work
if they are married, how many kids they have, etc. Continue asking them personal questions or questions about their company for as long as necessary.
4. This works great if you are male. Telemarketer: "Hi, my name is Judy and I'm with XYZ Company. " You: Wait for a second and with a real husky voice ask, "What are you wearing?"
5. Cry out in surprise, "Judy? Is that you? Oh my God! Judy, how have you been?" Hopefully, this will give Judy a few brief moments of terror as she tries to figure out where she could
know you from.
6. Say "No" over and over. Be sure to vary the sound of each one, and keep a rhythmic tempo, even as they are trying to speak. This is most fun if you can do it until they hang up.
7. If MCI calls trying to get you to sign up for the Family and Friends Plan, reply, in as sinister a voice as you can, "I don't have any friends, would you be my friend?"
8. If the company cleans rugs, respond: "Can you get out blood? Can you get out goat blood? How about human blood?"
9. After the Telemarketer gives his or her spiel, ask him or her to marry you. When they get all flustered, tell them that you can't just give your credit card number to a complete stranger.
10. Tell the Telemarketer that you work for the same company, and they can't sell to employees.
11. Answer the phone. As soon as you realize it is a Telemarketer, set the receiver down, scream, "Oh my God!" and then hang up.
12. Tell the Telemarketer you are busy at the moment and ask him/her if he/she will give you his/her home phone number so you can call him/her back. When the Telemarketer explains that
telemarketers cannot give out their home numbers say, "I guess you don't want anyone bothering you at home, right?" The Telemarketer will agree and you say, "Me either!" Hang up.
13. Ask them to repeat everything they say, several times.
14. Tell them it is dinner time, but ask if they would please hold. Put them on your speaker phone while you continue to eat at your leisure. Smack your food loudly and continue with your
dinner conversation.
15. Tell the Telemarketer you are on "home incarceration" and ask if they could bring you some beer.
16. Ask them to fax the information to you, and make up a number.
17. Tell the Telemarketer, "Okay, I'll listen to you. But I should probably tell you, I'm not wearing any clothes."
18. Insist that the caller is really your buddy Leon, playing a joke. "Come on, Leon, cut it out! Seriously, Leon, how's your momma?"
19. Tell them you are hard of hearing and that they need to speak up . . . louder . . . louder . . .
20. Tell them to talk very slowly, because you want to write every word down.
Weaksid...organized?? moi???
Thank You mtwish!
Things To Say To Telemarketers
1. If they want to loan you money, tell them you just filed for bankruptcy and you could sure use some money.
2. If they start out with, "How are you today?" say, "I'm so glad you asked, because no one these days seems to care, and I have all these problems. My arthritis is acting up, my eyelashes
are sore, my dog just died . . . "
3. If they say they're John Doe from XYZ Company, ask them to spell their name. Then ask them to spell the company name. Then ask them where it is located, how long it has been in business, how many people work there, how they got into this line of work
if they are married, how many kids they have, etc. Continue asking them personal questions or questions about their company for as long as necessary.
4. This works great if you are male. Telemarketer: "Hi, my name is Judy and I'm with XYZ Company. " You: Wait for a second and with a real husky voice ask, "What are you wearing?"
5. Cry out in surprise, "Judy? Is that you? Oh my God! Judy, how have you been?" Hopefully, this will give Judy a few brief moments of terror as she tries to figure out where she could
know you from.
6. Say "No" over and over. Be sure to vary the sound of each one, and keep a rhythmic tempo, even as they are trying to speak. This is most fun if you can do it until they hang up.
7. If MCI calls trying to get you to sign up for the Family and Friends Plan, reply, in as sinister a voice as you can, "I don't have any friends, would you be my friend?"
8. If the company cleans rugs, respond: "Can you get out blood? Can you get out goat blood? How about human blood?"
9. After the Telemarketer gives his or her spiel, ask him or her to marry you. When they get all flustered, tell them that you can't just give your credit card number to a complete stranger.
10. Tell the Telemarketer that you work for the same company, and they can't sell to employees.
11. Answer the phone. As soon as you realize it is a Telemarketer, set the receiver down, scream, "Oh my God!" and then hang up.
12. Tell the Telemarketer you are busy at the moment and ask him/her if he/she will give you his/her home phone number so you can call him/her back. When the Telemarketer explains that
telemarketers cannot give out their home numbers say, "I guess you don't want anyone bothering you at home, right?" The Telemarketer will agree and you say, "Me either!" Hang up.
13. Ask them to repeat everything they say, several times.
14. Tell them it is dinner time, but ask if they would please hold. Put them on your speaker phone while you continue to eat at your leisure. Smack your food loudly and continue with your
dinner conversation.
15. Tell the Telemarketer you are on "home incarceration" and ask if they could bring you some beer.
16. Ask them to fax the information to you, and make up a number.
17. Tell the Telemarketer, "Okay, I'll listen to you. But I should probably tell you, I'm not wearing any clothes."
18. Insist that the caller is really your buddy Leon, playing a joke. "Come on, Leon, cut it out! Seriously, Leon, how's your momma?"
19. Tell them you are hard of hearing and that they need to speak up . . . louder . . . louder . . .
20. Tell them to talk very slowly, because you want to write every word down.
Weaksid
Reply #424 Monday, February 3, 2003 1:23 PM
Reply #424 Monday, February 3, 2003 1:23 PM
This good looking man walks into an agents office and says "I want to be
a movie-star." Tall, handsome and with experience on Broadway, he had
all the right credentials. The agent asked, "What's your name?" The guy
said
"my name is Penis Van Lesbian."
The agent said "sir, I hate to tell you, but in order to get into
Hollywood, you are gonna have to change your name. "I will NOT change my
name ! The Van Lesbian name is centuries old, I will not disrespect my grandfather by changing my name. Not ever" The agent said "Sir, I have
worked in Hollywood for years..... you will NEVER go far in Hollywood
with a name like Penis Van Lesbian !! I'm telling
you, you will HAVE TO change your name, or I will not be able to
represent
you."
"So be it!! I guess, we will not do business together" the guy
said....and he left the agent's office.
FIVE YEARS LATER..... The agent opens an envelope sent to his office.
Inside the envelope is a letter and a check for $50,000. The agent is
awestruck....who would possibly send him $50,000. ?? He reads the letter
enclosed...... "Dear Sir, Five years ago, I came into your office
wanting to become an actor in Hollywood. You told me I needed to change
my
name.
Determined to make it with my God-given birth name, I refused. You told
me I would never make it in Hollywood with a name like Penis Van
Lesbian.
After I left your office, I thought about what you said. I decided you
were
right.
I had to change my name. I had too much pride to return to your office,
so I signed with another agent. I would never have made it without
changing
my name, so the enclosed check is a token of my appreciation. Thank you
for your advice.
Sincerely,
Dick Van Dyke
a movie-star." Tall, handsome and with experience on Broadway, he had
all the right credentials. The agent asked, "What's your name?" The guy
said
"my name is Penis Van Lesbian."
The agent said "sir, I hate to tell you, but in order to get into
Hollywood, you are gonna have to change your name. "I will NOT change my
name ! The Van Lesbian name is centuries old, I will not disrespect my grandfather by changing my name. Not ever" The agent said "Sir, I have
worked in Hollywood for years..... you will NEVER go far in Hollywood
with a name like Penis Van Lesbian !! I'm telling
you, you will HAVE TO change your name, or I will not be able to
represent
you."
"So be it!! I guess, we will not do business together" the guy
said....and he left the agent's office.
FIVE YEARS LATER..... The agent opens an envelope sent to his office.
Inside the envelope is a letter and a check for $50,000. The agent is
awestruck....who would possibly send him $50,000. ?? He reads the letter
enclosed...... "Dear Sir, Five years ago, I came into your office
wanting to become an actor in Hollywood. You told me I needed to change
my
name.
Determined to make it with my God-given birth name, I refused. You told
me I would never make it in Hollywood with a name like Penis Van
Lesbian.
After I left your office, I thought about what you said. I decided you
were
right.
I had to change my name. I had too much pride to return to your office,
so I signed with another agent. I would never have made it without
changing
my name, so the enclosed check is a token of my appreciation. Thank you
for your advice.
Sincerely,
Dick Van Dyke
Mr_Ph00ey2u
Reply #425 Monday, February 3, 2003 1:36 PM
Reply #425 Monday, February 3, 2003 1:36 PM
Weaksid!
Ph00ey's House Cleaning Tips
Dirt:
Layers of dirty film on windows and screens provide a helpful filter against harmful and aging rays from the sun. Call it an SPF factor of 15 and leave it alone.
Cobwebs:
Cobwebs artfully draped over lampshades reduce the glare from the bulb, thereby creating a romantic atmosphere. If your husband points out that the light
fixtures need dusting, simply look confused and exclaim "What? And spoil the mood?" Pet Hair: Explain the mound of pet hair brushed up against the doorways by claiming you are collecting it there to use for stuffing hand-sown play animals for underprivileged children.
Guests:
If unexpected company is coming, pile everything unsightly into one room and close the door. As you show your guests through your tidy home, rattle the door knob vigorously, fake a growl and say "I'd love you to see our Den, but Fluffy hates to be disturbed and the shots are SO expensive."
Dusting:
If dusting is REALLY out of control, simply place a showy urn on the coffee table and insist that "This is where Grandma wanted us to scatter her ashes."
Painting:
Don't bother repainting. Simply scribble lightly over a dirty wall with an assortment of crayons and try to muster a glint of tears as you say "Jr did this the week before that unspeakable accident &I haven't had the heart to clean it."
General Cleaning:
Mix one-quarter cup pine-scented household cleaner with four cups of water in a spray bottle. Mist the air lightly. Leave dampened rags in conspicuous locations. Develop an exhausted look, throw yourself on the couch and sigh "I clean and I clean and I still don't get anywhere."
Lunch is over...back to work!
Ph00ey's House Cleaning Tips
Dirt:
Layers of dirty film on windows and screens provide a helpful filter against harmful and aging rays from the sun. Call it an SPF factor of 15 and leave it alone.
Cobwebs:
Cobwebs artfully draped over lampshades reduce the glare from the bulb, thereby creating a romantic atmosphere. If your husband points out that the light
fixtures need dusting, simply look confused and exclaim "What? And spoil the mood?" Pet Hair: Explain the mound of pet hair brushed up against the doorways by claiming you are collecting it there to use for stuffing hand-sown play animals for underprivileged children.
Guests:
If unexpected company is coming, pile everything unsightly into one room and close the door. As you show your guests through your tidy home, rattle the door knob vigorously, fake a growl and say "I'd love you to see our Den, but Fluffy hates to be disturbed and the shots are SO expensive."
Dusting:
If dusting is REALLY out of control, simply place a showy urn on the coffee table and insist that "This is where Grandma wanted us to scatter her ashes."
Painting:
Don't bother repainting. Simply scribble lightly over a dirty wall with an assortment of crayons and try to muster a glint of tears as you say "Jr did this the week before that unspeakable accident &I haven't had the heart to clean it."
General Cleaning:
Mix one-quarter cup pine-scented household cleaner with four cups of water in a spray bottle. Mist the air lightly. Leave dampened rags in conspicuous locations. Develop an exhausted look, throw yourself on the couch and sigh "I clean and I clean and I still don't get anywhere."
Lunch is over...back to work!
IPlural
Reply #426 Monday, February 3, 2003 3:03 PM
Reply #426 Monday, February 3, 2003 3:03 PM
mmm.. maybe a bit risqué
A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with four young
mothers and their small children..."You all have obsessions," he
observed.
To the first mother, Mary, he said, "You are obsessed with eating.
You've even named your daughter Candy."
He turned to the second Mom, Ann: "Your obsession is with money. Again,
it manifests itself in your child's name, Penny."
He turns to the third Mom, Joyce: "Your obsession is alcohol. This too
manifests itself in your child's name, Brandy."
At this point, the fourth mother, Kathy, gets up, takes her little boy by
the hand and whispers. "Come on, Dick, we're leaving."
A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with four young
mothers and their small children..."You all have obsessions," he
observed.
To the first mother, Mary, he said, "You are obsessed with eating.
You've even named your daughter Candy."
He turned to the second Mom, Ann: "Your obsession is with money. Again,
it manifests itself in your child's name, Penny."
He turns to the third Mom, Joyce: "Your obsession is alcohol. This too
manifests itself in your child's name, Brandy."
At this point, the fourth mother, Kathy, gets up, takes her little boy by
the hand and whispers. "Come on, Dick, we're leaving."
Mr_Ph00ey2u
Reply #428 Monday, February 3, 2003 7:55 PM
Reply #428 Monday, February 3, 2003 7:55 PM
Two lawyers, Chuck and Larry, were having a heated exchange during a trial.
The judge asked both lawyers to approach the bench.
"Your Honor," said Chuck, "I objected because my distinguished colleague Larry, was badgering the witness. It is obvious he has never heard of the Bill of Rights."
"Rubbish!" snapped Larry. "I happen to know them by heart."
Chuck rolled his eyes in disbelief. "Do you now? Well, Larry, I have a hundred dollars that says you can't even tell me the first few words."
Larry smirked and accepted the challenge and began, "I pledge allegiance to the flag..."
"Man," Chuck interrupted, fishing the money from his pocket, "I didn't think you'd know it."
The judge asked both lawyers to approach the bench.
"Your Honor," said Chuck, "I objected because my distinguished colleague Larry, was badgering the witness. It is obvious he has never heard of the Bill of Rights."
"Rubbish!" snapped Larry. "I happen to know them by heart."
Chuck rolled his eyes in disbelief. "Do you now? Well, Larry, I have a hundred dollars that says you can't even tell me the first few words."
Larry smirked and accepted the challenge and began, "I pledge allegiance to the flag..."
"Man," Chuck interrupted, fishing the money from his pocket, "I didn't think you'd know it."
Mr_Ph00ey2u
Reply #429 Monday, February 3, 2003 8:53 PM
Reply #429 Monday, February 3, 2003 8:53 PM
THE HICKSVILLE UFO INCIDENT
A flying saucer landed at a gas station on a lonely country road.
The two space aliens inside seemed completely unconcerned about detection; in fact, the letters "UFO" were emblazoned in big, bold letters on one side of their shiny craft.
As the station owner stood and gawked in silence, paralyzed with shock, his young blond attendant nonchalantly filled up the tank and waved to the two aliens as they took off.
"Do you realize what just happened?" the station owner finally uttered.
"Yeah," said the blond attendant. "So?"
"Didn't you see the space aliens in that vehicle?!"
"Yeah," repeated the blonde attendant. "So?"
"Didn't you see the letters 'UFO' on the side of that vehicle?!"
"Yeah," repeated the blonde attendant.
"Don't you know what 'UFO' means?!"
The blonde attendant rolled his eyes. "Good grief, boss! I've been working here for six years. Of course I know what 'UFO' means 'Unleaded Fuel Only.'"
A flying saucer landed at a gas station on a lonely country road.
The two space aliens inside seemed completely unconcerned about detection; in fact, the letters "UFO" were emblazoned in big, bold letters on one side of their shiny craft.
As the station owner stood and gawked in silence, paralyzed with shock, his young blond attendant nonchalantly filled up the tank and waved to the two aliens as they took off.
"Do you realize what just happened?" the station owner finally uttered.
"Yeah," said the blond attendant. "So?"
"Didn't you see the space aliens in that vehicle?!"
"Yeah," repeated the blonde attendant. "So?"
"Didn't you see the letters 'UFO' on the side of that vehicle?!"
"Yeah," repeated the blonde attendant.
"Don't you know what 'UFO' means?!"
The blonde attendant rolled his eyes. "Good grief, boss! I've been working here for six years. Of course I know what 'UFO' means 'Unleaded Fuel Only.'"
Mr_Ph00ey2u
Reply #430 Monday, February 3, 2003 11:06 PM
Reply #430 Monday, February 3, 2003 11:06 PM
Excuse Notes from Texan Parents
These are actual excuse notes from parents to the school teachers (including original spelling) Collected by Nisheeth Parekh, University of Texas Medical Branch @ Galveston
My son is under a doctor's care and should not take P.E. today. Please execute him.
Please excuse Lisa for being absent. She was sick and I had her shot.
Dear School: Please excuse John being absent on Jan. 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, and also 33.
Please excuse Gloria from Jim today. She is administrating.
Please excuse Roland from P.E. for a few days. Yesterday he fell out of a tree and misplaced his hip.
John has been absent because he had two teeth taken out of his face.
Carlos was absent yesterday because he was playing football. He was hurt in the growing part.
Megan could not come to school today because she has been bothered by very close veins.
Chris will not be in school cus he has an acre in his side.
Please excuse Ray Friday from school. He has very loose vowels.
Please excuse Pedro from being absent yesterday. He had diahre dyrea direathe the shits.
Please excuse Tommy for being absent yesterday. He had diarrhea and his boots leak.
Irving was absent yesterday because he missed his bust.
Please excuse Jimmy for being. It was his father's fault.
I kept Billie home because she had to go Christmas shopping because I don't know what size she wear.
Please excuse Jennifer for missing school yesterday. We forgot to get the Sunday paper off the porch, and when we found it Monday, we thought it was Sunday. Sally won't be in school a week from Friday. We have to attend her funeral.
My daughter was absent yesterday because she was tired. She spent a weekend with the Marines.
Please excuse Jason for being absent yesterday. He had a cold and could not breed well.
Gloria was absent yesterday as she was having a hangover.
Maryann was absent December 11-16, because she had a fever, sore throat, headache and upset stomach. Her sister was also sick, fever and sore throat, her brother had a low grade fever and ached all over. I wasn't the best either, sore throat and fever. There must be something going around, what do you think?
These are actual excuse notes from parents to the school teachers (including original spelling) Collected by Nisheeth Parekh, University of Texas Medical Branch @ Galveston
My son is under a doctor's care and should not take P.E. today. Please execute him.
Please excuse Lisa for being absent. She was sick and I had her shot.
Dear School: Please excuse John being absent on Jan. 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, and also 33.
Please excuse Gloria from Jim today. She is administrating.
Please excuse Roland from P.E. for a few days. Yesterday he fell out of a tree and misplaced his hip.
John has been absent because he had two teeth taken out of his face.
Carlos was absent yesterday because he was playing football. He was hurt in the growing part.
Megan could not come to school today because she has been bothered by very close veins.
Chris will not be in school cus he has an acre in his side.
Please excuse Ray Friday from school. He has very loose vowels.
Please excuse Pedro from being absent yesterday. He had diahre dyrea direathe the shits.
Please excuse Tommy for being absent yesterday. He had diarrhea and his boots leak.
Irving was absent yesterday because he missed his bust.
Please excuse Jimmy for being. It was his father's fault.
I kept Billie home because she had to go Christmas shopping because I don't know what size she wear.
Please excuse Jennifer for missing school yesterday. We forgot to get the Sunday paper off the porch, and when we found it Monday, we thought it was Sunday. Sally won't be in school a week from Friday. We have to attend her funeral.
My daughter was absent yesterday because she was tired. She spent a weekend with the Marines.
Please excuse Jason for being absent yesterday. He had a cold and could not breed well.
Gloria was absent yesterday as she was having a hangover.
Maryann was absent December 11-16, because she had a fever, sore throat, headache and upset stomach. Her sister was also sick, fever and sore throat, her brother had a low grade fever and ached all over. I wasn't the best either, sore throat and fever. There must be something going around, what do you think?
Mr_Ph00ey2u
Reply #431 Tuesday, February 4, 2003 7:30 AM
Reply #431 Tuesday, February 4, 2003 7:30 AM
Actual Ads seen in newspapers
1. Illiterate? Write today for free help.
2. Auto Repair Service. Free pick-up and delivery. Try us once, you'll never go anywhere again.
3. Our experienced Mom will care for your child. Fenced yard, meals and smacks included.
4. Dog for sale: eats anything and is fond of children.
5. Man wanted to work in dynamite factory. Must be willing to travel.
6. Stock up and save. Limit: one.
7. Semi-annual After-Christmas sale.
8. 3-year old teacher needed for pre-school. Experience preferred.
9. Mixing bowl set designed to please a cook with round bottom for efficient beating.
10. Dinner special - Turkey $2.35; Chicken or Beef $2.25; Children $2.00.
Off to work
1. Illiterate? Write today for free help.
2. Auto Repair Service. Free pick-up and delivery. Try us once, you'll never go anywhere again.
3. Our experienced Mom will care for your child. Fenced yard, meals and smacks included.
4. Dog for sale: eats anything and is fond of children.
5. Man wanted to work in dynamite factory. Must be willing to travel.
6. Stock up and save. Limit: one.
7. Semi-annual After-Christmas sale.
8. 3-year old teacher needed for pre-school. Experience preferred.
9. Mixing bowl set designed to please a cook with round bottom for efficient beating.
10. Dinner special - Turkey $2.35; Chicken or Beef $2.25; Children $2.00.
Off to work
Keila
Reply #432 Tuesday, February 4, 2003 10:36 AM
Reply #432 Tuesday, February 4, 2003 10:36 AM
How to determine if your best friend is a wuss...
http://www.manbottle.com/video/How_to_determine_if_your_friend_is_a_wuss....htm
http://www.manbottle.com/video/How_to_determine_if_your_friend_is_a_wuss....htm
Keila
Reply #434 Tuesday, February 4, 2003 10:41 AM
Reply #434 Tuesday, February 4, 2003 10:41 AM
This is one of my favorites.
http://www.boldra.com/images/incoming/y2000/?f=salmon.asf
http://www.boldra.com/images/incoming/y2000/?f=salmon.asf
Weaksid
Reply #436 Tuesday, February 4, 2003 10:45 AM
Reply #436 Tuesday, February 4, 2003 10:45 AM
#434, I used to have on my computer for a while. 
Weaksid
Reply #437 Tuesday, February 4, 2003 10:55 AM
Reply #437 Tuesday, February 4, 2003 10:55 AM
Two Liners
What's the best form of birth control after 50?
Nudity
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
What's the difference between a girlfriend and a wife?
45 lbs.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband?
45 minutes.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
What's the fastest way to a man's heart?
Through his chest with a sharp knife.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Why do men want to marry virgins?
They can't stand criticism.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog?
After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of
driving.!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
What do you call a smart blonde?
A golden retriever.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A brunette, a blonde, and a redhead are all in third grade. Who has the
biggest boobs?
The blonde, because she's 18
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Which sexual position produces the ugliest children?
Ask your mom.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~! ~~~~~~
How do you know when you're really ugly?
Dogs hump your leg with their eyes closed.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
How do you know when you're leading a pathetic life?
When a nymphomaniac tells you, "Lets just be friends."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Mom's have Mother's day, Dad's have Fathers day, what do single guys
have?
Palm Sunday.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
What has a whole bunch of little balls and screws old ladies?
Bingo machine.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
What's the difference between a porcupine and a BMW?
A porcupine has the pricks on the outside.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Why did God create alcohol?
So ugly people could have sex, too.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Why does Mike Tyson cry during sex?
Mace will do that to you.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Why did OJ Simpson want to move to West Virginia?
Everyone has the same DNA.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
Breasts don't have eyes.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
What do you call an West Virginia farmer with a sheep under each arm?
A pimp.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Why do drivers education classes in redneck schools use the car only on
Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays?
Because on Tuesday and Thursday, the Sex Ed class uses it.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
What's the difference between a Southern zoo and a Northern zoo?
A Southern zoo has a description of the animal on the front the cage,
along with a recipe.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
What's the Cuban National Anthem?
Row, row, row your boat.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~!
What's the best form of birth control after 50?
Nudity
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
What's the difference between a girlfriend and a wife?
45 lbs.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband?
45 minutes.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
What's the fastest way to a man's heart?
Through his chest with a sharp knife.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Why do men want to marry virgins?
They can't stand criticism.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog?
After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of
driving.!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
What do you call a smart blonde?
A golden retriever.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A brunette, a blonde, and a redhead are all in third grade. Who has the
biggest boobs?
The blonde, because she's 18
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Which sexual position produces the ugliest children?
Ask your mom.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~! ~~~~~~
How do you know when you're really ugly?
Dogs hump your leg with their eyes closed.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
How do you know when you're leading a pathetic life?
When a nymphomaniac tells you, "Lets just be friends."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Mom's have Mother's day, Dad's have Fathers day, what do single guys
have?
Palm Sunday.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
What has a whole bunch of little balls and screws old ladies?
Bingo machine.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
What's the difference between a porcupine and a BMW?
A porcupine has the pricks on the outside.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Why did God create alcohol?
So ugly people could have sex, too.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Why does Mike Tyson cry during sex?
Mace will do that to you.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Why did OJ Simpson want to move to West Virginia?
Everyone has the same DNA.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
Breasts don't have eyes.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
What do you call an West Virginia farmer with a sheep under each arm?
A pimp.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Why do drivers education classes in redneck schools use the car only on
Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays?
Because on Tuesday and Thursday, the Sex Ed class uses it.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
What's the difference between a Southern zoo and a Northern zoo?
A Southern zoo has a description of the animal on the front the cage,
along with a recipe.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
What's the Cuban National Anthem?
Row, row, row your boat.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~!
Keila
Reply #438 Tuesday, February 4, 2003 11:00 AM
Reply #438 Tuesday, February 4, 2003 11:00 AM
Ok, now for my ultimate favorite. This might take some time to load but it is totally worth the wait.
http://www.joecartoon.com/pages/joefish/
http://www.joecartoon.com/pages/joefish/
Keila
Reply #439 Tuesday, February 4, 2003 11:04 AM
Reply #439 Tuesday, February 4, 2003 11:04 AM
Sorry, I did not remember the bad words in that one.
I will pay better attention from now on.
I will pay better attention from now on.
Weaksid
Reply #440 Tuesday, February 4, 2003 11:06 AM
Reply #440 Tuesday, February 4, 2003 11:06 AM
LMAO, sweet
I haven't been there in months. They got a bunch of new ones.
I haven't been there in months. They got a bunch of new ones.
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Reply #421 Monday, February 3, 2003 11:27 AM