Messageboard Joke Marathon
Sunday, January 19, 2003 by Mr_Ph00ey2u | Discussion: WinCustomize Talk
Ok...bring on your best or worst but leave everyone laughing 
Joke Rulez
1. Let's keep them PG. WC is a Family Place.
2. Links to Funny Pics or Flash files are welcome.
3. Throwing fruit and veggies at bad jokes is encouraged!
Joke Rulez
1. Let's keep them PG. WC is a Family Place.
2. Links to Funny Pics or Flash files are welcome.
3. Throwing fruit and veggies at bad jokes is encouraged!
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Mr_Ph00ey2u
Reply #262 Saturday, January 25, 2003 9:28 PM
Reply #262 Saturday, January 25, 2003 9:28 PM
The young teacher of the earth science class was lecturing on map
reading. After explaining about latitude, longitude, degrees and minutes
the teacher asked Iben, "Suppose I asked you to meet me for lunch at
23 degrees, 4 minutes north latitude and 45 degrees, 15 minutes east
longitude...?"
After a confused silence, Iben offered this as his answer... "I guess
you'd be eating alone."
reading. After explaining about latitude, longitude, degrees and minutes
the teacher asked Iben, "Suppose I asked you to meet me for lunch at
23 degrees, 4 minutes north latitude and 45 degrees, 15 minutes east
longitude...?"
After a confused silence, Iben offered this as his answer... "I guess
you'd be eating alone."
Kimbabe
Reply #263 Saturday, January 25, 2003 9:48 PM
Reply #263 Saturday, January 25, 2003 9:48 PM
Phooey! you crack me up! I've never seem so many jokes come out of one person! I'll have to find one to add here. 
*Kim*
you crack me up! I've never seem so many jokes come out of one person! I'll have to find one to add here. 
*Kim*
Mr_Ph00ey2u
Reply #264 Saturday, January 25, 2003 9:50 PM
Reply #264 Saturday, January 25, 2003 9:50 PM
Thanks Kim! 
Peace Talks
Saddam Hussein and George W. Bush meet up in Baghdad for the first round
of talks in a new peace process.
When George sits down, he notices three buttons on the side of Saddam's
chair. They begin talking. After about five minutes Saddam presses the
first button. A boxing glove springs out of a box on the desk and
punches Bush in the face. Annoyed, Bush carries on talking as Saddam
laughs.
A few minutes later the second button is pressed. This time a big boot
comes out and kicks Bush in the shin. Again Saddam laughs, and again
George carries on talking, not wanting to put off the bigger issue of
peace between the two countries. But when the third button is pressed
and another boot comes out and kicks Bush square in the privates, he's
finally had enough.
I'm headin' back to Washington!" he calmly tells the Iraqi. "We'll
finish these talks in two weeks in Washington!"
A fortnight passes and Saddam flies to the United States for talks. As
the two men sit down, Hussein notices three buttons on Bush's chair and
prepares himself for the Yank's retaliation. They begin talking and
George presses the first button. Saddam ducks, but nothing happens.
George snickers.
A few seconds later he presses the second button. Saddam jumps up, but
again nothing happens. Bush roars with laughter. When the third button
is pressed, Saddam jumps up again, but again nothing happens. Bush falls
on the floor in a fit of hysterics.
"Forget this," says Saddam. "I'm going back to Baghdad!"
George W. says through tears of laughter, "What Baghdad?"
Peace Talks
Saddam Hussein and George W. Bush meet up in Baghdad for the first round
of talks in a new peace process.
When George sits down, he notices three buttons on the side of Saddam's
chair. They begin talking. After about five minutes Saddam presses the
first button. A boxing glove springs out of a box on the desk and
punches Bush in the face. Annoyed, Bush carries on talking as Saddam
laughs.
A few minutes later the second button is pressed. This time a big boot
comes out and kicks Bush in the shin. Again Saddam laughs, and again
George carries on talking, not wanting to put off the bigger issue of
peace between the two countries. But when the third button is pressed
and another boot comes out and kicks Bush square in the privates, he's
finally had enough.
I'm headin' back to Washington!" he calmly tells the Iraqi. "We'll
finish these talks in two weeks in Washington!"
A fortnight passes and Saddam flies to the United States for talks. As
the two men sit down, Hussein notices three buttons on Bush's chair and
prepares himself for the Yank's retaliation. They begin talking and
George presses the first button. Saddam ducks, but nothing happens.
George snickers.
A few seconds later he presses the second button. Saddam jumps up, but
again nothing happens. Bush roars with laughter. When the third button
is pressed, Saddam jumps up again, but again nothing happens. Bush falls
on the floor in a fit of hysterics.
"Forget this," says Saddam. "I'm going back to Baghdad!"
George W. says through tears of laughter, "What Baghdad?"
Mr_Ph00ey2u
Reply #265 Saturday, January 25, 2003 10:17 PM
Reply #265 Saturday, January 25, 2003 10:17 PM
Overdue
A young husband comes home one night, and his wife throws her arms
around his neck: "Darling, I have great news: I'm a month overdue. I
think we're going to have a baby! The doctor gave me a test today, but
we until we find out for sure, we can't tell anybody."
The next day, a guy from the electric company rings the doorbell,
because the young couple hasn't paid their last bill: "Are you Mrs.
Smith? You're a month overdue, you know!"
"How do YOU know?" stammers the young woman.
"Well, ma'am, it's in our files!" says the man from the electric
company.
"What are you saying? It's in your files?????"
"Absolutely."
"Well, let me talk to my husband about this tonight."
That night, she tells her husband about the visit, and he, mad as a
bull, rushes to the electric company offices the first thing the next
morning.
"What's going on here? You have it on file that my wife is a month
overdue? What business is that of yours?" the husband shouts.
"Just calm down," says the clerk, "it's nothing serious. All you have to
do is pay us."
"PAY you? and if I refuse?"
"Well, in that case, sir, we'd have no option but to cut you off."
"And what would my wife do then?" the husband asks.
"I don't know. I guess she'd have to use a candle.
A young husband comes home one night, and his wife throws her arms
around his neck: "Darling, I have great news: I'm a month overdue. I
think we're going to have a baby! The doctor gave me a test today, but
we until we find out for sure, we can't tell anybody."
The next day, a guy from the electric company rings the doorbell,
because the young couple hasn't paid their last bill: "Are you Mrs.
Smith? You're a month overdue, you know!"
"How do YOU know?" stammers the young woman.
"Well, ma'am, it's in our files!" says the man from the electric
company.
"What are you saying? It's in your files?????"
"Absolutely."
"Well, let me talk to my husband about this tonight."
That night, she tells her husband about the visit, and he, mad as a
bull, rushes to the electric company offices the first thing the next
morning.
"What's going on here? You have it on file that my wife is a month
overdue? What business is that of yours?" the husband shouts.
"Just calm down," says the clerk, "it's nothing serious. All you have to
do is pay us."
"PAY you? and if I refuse?"
"Well, in that case, sir, we'd have no option but to cut you off."
"And what would my wife do then?" the husband asks.
"I don't know. I guess she'd have to use a candle.
Mr_Ph00ey2u
Reply #266 Saturday, January 25, 2003 11:06 PM
Reply #266 Saturday, January 25, 2003 11:06 PM
Two men, sentenced to die in the electric chair on the same
day, were led down to the room in which they would meet their
maker. The priest had given them last rites, the formal speech
had been given by the warden, and a final prayer had been said
among the participants. The Warden, turning to the first man,
solemnly asked, "Son, do you have a last request?"
To which the man replied, "Yes sir, I do. I love dance music.
Could you please play The Macarena for me one last time?"
"Certainly," replied the warden. He turned to the other man
and asked, "Well, what about you, son? What is your final
request?"
"Please," said the condemned man, "kill me first."
day, were led down to the room in which they would meet their
maker. The priest had given them last rites, the formal speech
had been given by the warden, and a final prayer had been said
among the participants. The Warden, turning to the first man,
solemnly asked, "Son, do you have a last request?"
To which the man replied, "Yes sir, I do. I love dance music.
Could you please play The Macarena for me one last time?"
"Certainly," replied the warden. He turned to the other man
and asked, "Well, what about you, son? What is your final
request?"
"Please," said the condemned man, "kill me first."
Mr_Ph00ey2u
Reply #267 Saturday, January 25, 2003 11:34 PM
Reply #267 Saturday, January 25, 2003 11:34 PM
errrr....think it's time for a joke...
Three handsome male dogs are walking down the street when they see a
beautiful, enticing, female Poodle. The three male dogs fall all over
themselves in an effort to be the one to reach her first, but end up
arriving in front of her at the same time. The males are speechless
before her beauty, slobbering on themselves and hoping for just a
glance from her in return. Aware of her charms and her obvious effect
on the three suitors, she decides to be kind and tells them "The first
one who can use the words "liver" and "cheese" together in an
imaginative, intelligent sentence can go out with me."
The sturdy, muscular black Lab speaks up quickly and says "I love liver
and cheese."
"Oh, how childish," said the Poodle. "That shows no imagination or
intelligence whatsoever." She turned to the tall, shiny Golden
Retriever and said "How well can you do?"
"Um. I HATE liver and cheese," blurts the Golden Retriever.
"My, my," said the Poodle. "I guess it's hopeless. That's just as dumb
as the Lab's sentence." She then turns to the last of the three dogs
and says, "How about you, little guy?"
The last of the three, tiny in stature but big in fame and finesse, is
the Taco Bell Chihuahua. He gives her a smile, a sly wink, turns to
the Golden Retriever and the Lab and says, "Liver alone. Cheese mine."
Three handsome male dogs are walking down the street when they see a
beautiful, enticing, female Poodle. The three male dogs fall all over
themselves in an effort to be the one to reach her first, but end up
arriving in front of her at the same time. The males are speechless
before her beauty, slobbering on themselves and hoping for just a
glance from her in return. Aware of her charms and her obvious effect
on the three suitors, she decides to be kind and tells them "The first
one who can use the words "liver" and "cheese" together in an
imaginative, intelligent sentence can go out with me."
The sturdy, muscular black Lab speaks up quickly and says "I love liver
and cheese."
"Oh, how childish," said the Poodle. "That shows no imagination or
intelligence whatsoever." She turned to the tall, shiny Golden
Retriever and said "How well can you do?"
"Um. I HATE liver and cheese," blurts the Golden Retriever.
"My, my," said the Poodle. "I guess it's hopeless. That's just as dumb
as the Lab's sentence." She then turns to the last of the three dogs
and says, "How about you, little guy?"
The last of the three, tiny in stature but big in fame and finesse, is
the Taco Bell Chihuahua. He gives her a smile, a sly wink, turns to
the Golden Retriever and the Lab and says, "Liver alone. Cheese mine."
Mr_Ph00ey2u
Reply #268 Saturday, January 25, 2003 11:34 PM
Reply #268 Saturday, January 25, 2003 11:34 PM
errrr....think it's time for a joke...
Three handsome male dogs are walking down the street when they see a
beautiful, enticing, female Poodle. The three male dogs fall all over
themselves in an effort to be the one to reach her first, but end up
arriving in front of her at the same time. The males are speechless
before her beauty, slobbering on themselves and hoping for just a
glance from her in return. Aware of her charms and her obvious effect
on the three suitors, she decides to be kind and tells them "The first
one who can use the words "liver" and "cheese" together in an
imaginative, intelligent sentence can go out with me."
The sturdy, muscular black Lab speaks up quickly and says "I love liver
and cheese."
"Oh, how childish," said the Poodle. "That shows no imagination or
intelligence whatsoever." She turned to the tall, shiny Golden
Retriever and said "How well can you do?"
"Um. I HATE liver and cheese," blurts the Golden Retriever.
"My, my," said the Poodle. "I guess it's hopeless. That's just as dumb
as the Lab's sentence." She then turns to the last of the three dogs
and says, "How about you, little guy?"
The last of the three, tiny in stature but big in fame and finesse, is
the Taco Bell Chihuahua. He gives her a smile, a sly wink, turns to
the Golden Retriever and the Lab and says, "Liver alone. Cheese mine."
Three handsome male dogs are walking down the street when they see a
beautiful, enticing, female Poodle. The three male dogs fall all over
themselves in an effort to be the one to reach her first, but end up
arriving in front of her at the same time. The males are speechless
before her beauty, slobbering on themselves and hoping for just a
glance from her in return. Aware of her charms and her obvious effect
on the three suitors, she decides to be kind and tells them "The first
one who can use the words "liver" and "cheese" together in an
imaginative, intelligent sentence can go out with me."
The sturdy, muscular black Lab speaks up quickly and says "I love liver
and cheese."
"Oh, how childish," said the Poodle. "That shows no imagination or
intelligence whatsoever." She turned to the tall, shiny Golden
Retriever and said "How well can you do?"
"Um. I HATE liver and cheese," blurts the Golden Retriever.
"My, my," said the Poodle. "I guess it's hopeless. That's just as dumb
as the Lab's sentence." She then turns to the last of the three dogs
and says, "How about you, little guy?"
The last of the three, tiny in stature but big in fame and finesse, is
the Taco Bell Chihuahua. He gives her a smile, a sly wink, turns to
the Golden Retriever and the Lab and says, "Liver alone. Cheese mine."
Mr_Ph00ey2u
Reply #270 Sunday, January 26, 2003 12:24 AM
Reply #270 Sunday, January 26, 2003 12:24 AM
If a hillbilly woman divorces her husband,.... is he still her brother?
Mr_Ph00ey2u
Reply #271 Sunday, January 26, 2003 12:25 AM
Reply #271 Sunday, January 26, 2003 12:25 AM
Let's lighten up things here a bit
Hitchin a Ride...
A man decided that he was going to ride a 10-speed bike from Phoenix to Flagstaff.
He got as far as Black Canyon before the mountains just became too much and he could go no farther.
He stuck his thumb out, but after 3 hours hadn't gotten a single person to stop.
Finally, a guy in a Corvette pulled over and offered him a ride. Of course, the bike wouldn't fit in the car.
The owner of the Corvette found a piece of rope lying by the highway and tied it to his bumper.
He tied the other end to the bike and told the man that if he was going too fast, to honk the horn on his bike and that he would slow down.
Everything went fine for the first 30 miles. Suddenly, another Corvette blew past them.
Not to be out done, the Corvette pulling the bike took off after the other. A short distance down the road, the Corvettes, both going well over 120 MPH, blew through a speed trap.
The police officer noted the speeds from his radar gun and radioed to the other officer that he had two
Corvettes headed his way at over 120 MPH.
He then relayed, "...and you're not going to believe this... but there's guy on a 10 speed bike honking to pass!"
Hitchin a Ride...
A man decided that he was going to ride a 10-speed bike from Phoenix to Flagstaff.
He got as far as Black Canyon before the mountains just became too much and he could go no farther.
He stuck his thumb out, but after 3 hours hadn't gotten a single person to stop.
Finally, a guy in a Corvette pulled over and offered him a ride. Of course, the bike wouldn't fit in the car.
The owner of the Corvette found a piece of rope lying by the highway and tied it to his bumper.
He tied the other end to the bike and told the man that if he was going too fast, to honk the horn on his bike and that he would slow down.
Everything went fine for the first 30 miles. Suddenly, another Corvette blew past them.
Not to be out done, the Corvette pulling the bike took off after the other. A short distance down the road, the Corvettes, both going well over 120 MPH, blew through a speed trap.
The police officer noted the speeds from his radar gun and radioed to the other officer that he had two
Corvettes headed his way at over 120 MPH.
He then relayed, "...and you're not going to believe this... but there's guy on a 10 speed bike honking to pass!"
Mr_Ph00ey2u
Reply #272 Sunday, January 26, 2003 12:53 AM
Reply #272 Sunday, January 26, 2003 12:53 AM
Two buddies Bob and Earl were two of the biggest baseball fans in the world.
For their entire lives, Bob and Earl discussed baseball history in the winter and they poured
over every box score during the season. They went to 80 games a year.
They even agreed that whoever died first would come back and tell the other if there was baseball in heaven.
One summer night, Bob passed away in his sleep after watching the RedSox victory earlier in the evening.
He died happy. A few nights later, his buddy Earl awoke to the sound of Bob's voice from beyond.
"Bob is that you?" Earl asked.
"Of course it's me," Bob replied.
"This is unbelievable!" Earl exclaimed. "So tell me, is there baseball in heaven?"
"Well I have some good news and some bad news for you.
Which do you want to hear first?"
"Tell me the good news first."
"Well, the good news is that, yes, there is baseball in heaven, Earl."
"Oh, that is wonderful! So what could possibly be the bad news?"
"You're the starting pitcher tomorrow night!"
For their entire lives, Bob and Earl discussed baseball history in the winter and they poured
over every box score during the season. They went to 80 games a year.
They even agreed that whoever died first would come back and tell the other if there was baseball in heaven.
One summer night, Bob passed away in his sleep after watching the RedSox victory earlier in the evening.
He died happy. A few nights later, his buddy Earl awoke to the sound of Bob's voice from beyond.
"Bob is that you?" Earl asked.
"Of course it's me," Bob replied.
"This is unbelievable!" Earl exclaimed. "So tell me, is there baseball in heaven?"
"Well I have some good news and some bad news for you.
Which do you want to hear first?"
"Tell me the good news first."
"Well, the good news is that, yes, there is baseball in heaven, Earl."
"Oh, that is wonderful! So what could possibly be the bad news?"
"You're the starting pitcher tomorrow night!"
Mr_Ph00ey2u
Reply #273 Sunday, January 26, 2003 1:58 AM
Reply #273 Sunday, January 26, 2003 1:58 AM
You know you are a teacher if...
You believe the staff room should be equipped with a Valium salt lick.
You find humor in other people's stupidity.
You want to slap the next person who says "Must be nice to work 8 to 3:20 and have summers free."
You believe chocolate is a food group.
You can tell if it's a full moon without ever looking outside.
You believe "Shallow gene pool" should have its own box in the report card.
You believe that unspeakable evils will befall you if anyone says "Boy, the kids sure are mellow today.
When out in public you feel the urge to snap your fingers at children you do not know and correct their behavior.
You have no life between August to June.
When you mention "Vegetables" you're not talking about a food group.
You think people should be required to get a government permit before being allowed to reproduce.
You wonder how some parents ever MANAGED to reproduce.
You believe in aerial spraying of Prozak.
You believe no one should be permitted to reproduce without having taught in an elementary setting for the last 10 years.
You've ever had your profession slammed by someone who would "Never DREAM" of doing your job.
You think caffeine should be available in intravenous form.
You know you are in for a major project when a parent says "I have a great idea I'd like to discuss. I think it would be such fun."
You want to choke a person when he or she says "Oh, you must have such FUN everyday. This must be like playtime for you."
Meeting a child's parent instantly answers the question "Why is this kid like this?"
I'm calling it a night...say goodnight Gracie
You believe the staff room should be equipped with a Valium salt lick.
You find humor in other people's stupidity.
You want to slap the next person who says "Must be nice to work 8 to 3:20 and have summers free."
You believe chocolate is a food group.
You can tell if it's a full moon without ever looking outside.
You believe "Shallow gene pool" should have its own box in the report card.
You believe that unspeakable evils will befall you if anyone says "Boy, the kids sure are mellow today.
When out in public you feel the urge to snap your fingers at children you do not know and correct their behavior.
You have no life between August to June.
When you mention "Vegetables" you're not talking about a food group.
You think people should be required to get a government permit before being allowed to reproduce.
You wonder how some parents ever MANAGED to reproduce.
You believe in aerial spraying of Prozak.
You believe no one should be permitted to reproduce without having taught in an elementary setting for the last 10 years.
You've ever had your profession slammed by someone who would "Never DREAM" of doing your job.
You think caffeine should be available in intravenous form.
You know you are in for a major project when a parent says "I have a great idea I'd like to discuss. I think it would be such fun."
You want to choke a person when he or she says "Oh, you must have such FUN everyday. This must be like playtime for you."
Meeting a child's parent instantly answers the question "Why is this kid like this?"
I'm calling it a night...say goodnight Gracie
Weaksid
Reply #274 Sunday, January 26, 2003 5:49 AM
Reply #274 Sunday, January 26, 2003 5:49 AM
Phooey must be pulling these from his :censored:
Weaksid laughs
Weaksid laughs
Mr_Ph00ey2u
Reply #275 Sunday, January 26, 2003 12:45 PM
Reply #275 Sunday, January 26, 2003 12:45 PM
Yep...Pulling them out of my hat! ...why is "HAT" censored?
IRS Joke...
A bright, young, fresh-out-of-school auditor just joined the IRS, excited to begin tracking down high-powered offenders-just as the Enron or WorldCom guys. Anxious for his first high-powered audit, he was a bit dismayed when his assignment was to audit a Rabbi.
Looking over the books and taxes were pretty straight forward, and the Rabbi clearly very frugal, so he thought he'd make his day interesting by having a little fun with the Rabbi.
"Rabbi," he said, "I noticed that you buy a lot of candles."
"Yes," answered the Rabbi.
"Well, Rabbi, what do you do with the candle drippings?" he asked.
"A good question," noted the Rabbi. "We actually save them up and when we have enough, we send them back to the candle maker. And every now and then, they send us a free box of candles."
"Oh," replied the auditor somewhat disappointed that his unusual question actually had a practical answer. So he thought he'd go on, in his obnoxious way..."Rabbi, what about all these matzo purchases? What do you do with the crumbs from the matzo?"
"Ah, yes," replied the Rabbi calmly, "we actually collect up all the crumbs from the matzo and when we have enough, we send them in a box back to the manufacturer and every now and then, they send a box of matzo balls."
"Oh," replied the auditor, thinking hard how to fluster the Rabbi. "Well, Rabbi," he went on, "what do you do with all the foreskins from the circumcisions?"
"Yes, here too, we do not waste," answered the Rabbi. "What we do is save up all the foreskins, and when we have enough we actually send them to the I.R.S."
"The I.R.S.?," questioned the auditor in disbelief.
"Ahh, yes," replied the Rabbi, " the I.R.S. " ...and about once a year, they send us a little prick like you.
IRS Joke...
A bright, young, fresh-out-of-school auditor just joined the IRS, excited to begin tracking down high-powered offenders-just as the Enron or WorldCom guys. Anxious for his first high-powered audit, he was a bit dismayed when his assignment was to audit a Rabbi.
Looking over the books and taxes were pretty straight forward, and the Rabbi clearly very frugal, so he thought he'd make his day interesting by having a little fun with the Rabbi.
"Rabbi," he said, "I noticed that you buy a lot of candles."
"Yes," answered the Rabbi.
"Well, Rabbi, what do you do with the candle drippings?" he asked.
"A good question," noted the Rabbi. "We actually save them up and when we have enough, we send them back to the candle maker. And every now and then, they send us a free box of candles."
"Oh," replied the auditor somewhat disappointed that his unusual question actually had a practical answer. So he thought he'd go on, in his obnoxious way..."Rabbi, what about all these matzo purchases? What do you do with the crumbs from the matzo?"
"Ah, yes," replied the Rabbi calmly, "we actually collect up all the crumbs from the matzo and when we have enough, we send them in a box back to the manufacturer and every now and then, they send a box of matzo balls."
"Oh," replied the auditor, thinking hard how to fluster the Rabbi. "Well, Rabbi," he went on, "what do you do with all the foreskins from the circumcisions?"
"Yes, here too, we do not waste," answered the Rabbi. "What we do is save up all the foreskins, and when we have enough we actually send them to the I.R.S."
"The I.R.S.?," questioned the auditor in disbelief.
"Ahh, yes," replied the Rabbi, " the I.R.S. " ...and about once a year, they send us a little prick like you.
Angel_Wings
Reply #279 Sunday, January 26, 2003 1:05 PM
Reply #279 Sunday, January 26, 2003 1:05 PM
***(and thank you for the sweet post wolfy) *SMOOOOOOOOCH*
werewolf
Reply #280 Sunday, January 26, 2003 1:08 PM
Reply #280 Sunday, January 26, 2003 1:08 PM
I'm glad to see you back and in regular form Shmoopy. Sleep can do wonders sometimes, I suppose.
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Reply #261 Saturday, January 25, 2003 9:17 PM