Messageboard Joke Marathon
Sunday, January 19, 2003 by Mr_Ph00ey2u | Discussion: WinCustomize Talk
Ok...bring on your best or worst but leave everyone laughing 
Joke Rulez
1. Let's keep them PG. WC is a Family Place.
2. Links to Funny Pics or Flash files are welcome.
3. Throwing fruit and veggies at bad jokes is encouraged!
Joke Rulez
1. Let's keep them PG. WC is a Family Place.
2. Links to Funny Pics or Flash files are welcome.
3. Throwing fruit and veggies at bad jokes is encouraged!
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Angel_Wings
Reply #282 Sunday, January 26, 2003 1:09 PM
Reply #282 Sunday, January 26, 2003 1:09 PM
Wolfy...
Angel_Wings in regular form? The square peg herself?! Nevva! Say it ain't so!
Angel_Wings in regular form? The square peg herself?! Nevva! Say it ain't so!
werewolf
Reply #283 Sunday, January 26, 2003 1:12 PM
When I say regular, I mean that as how it pertains to you specifically, not generally
Last night was an unusual Shmoopy mood for the message boards...It kinda broke my heart
So, I'm glad that your back to "normal" <-note quotes...normal for you.
Reply #283 Sunday, January 26, 2003 1:12 PM
When I say regular, I mean that as how it pertains to you specifically, not generally
Last night was an unusual Shmoopy mood for the message boards...It kinda broke my heart
So, I'm glad that your back to "normal" <-note quotes...normal for you.
Mr_Ph00ey2u
Reply #284 Sunday, January 26, 2003 1:12 PM
Reply #284 Sunday, January 26, 2003 1:12 PM
...and speaking of sleep...
Someone has to Sleep in the Barn
A lawyer and two friends, a Rabbi and a Hindu holy man, had car
trouble in the countryside and asked to spend the night with a
farmer. The farmer said "There might be a problem; you see, I only
have room for two to sleep, one of you must sleep in the barn.
"No problem", spoke the Rabbi, "My people wandered in the desert for
forty years, I am humble enough to sleep in the barn for an
evening." With that he departed to the barn and the others bedded
down for the night. Moments later a knock was heard at the door; the
farmer opened the door, there stood the Rabbi from the barn.
"What's wrong?", asked the farmer. He replied, "I am grateful to
you, but I can't sleep in the barn. There is a pig in the barn and
my faith believes that is an unclean animal." His Hindu friend
agrees to swap places with him.
But a few minutes later the same scene reoccurs. There is a knock on
the door, "What's wrong, now?, the farmer asks. The Hindu holy man
replies, "I too am grateful for helping us out but there is a cow in
the barn and in my country cows are considered sacred. I can't sleep
on holy ground!"
Well, that leaves only the lawyer to make the change. He grumbled
and complained, but went out to the barn. Moments later there was
another knock on the farmers door. Frustrated and tired, the farmer
opens the door, and there stood the pig and the cow!
Someone has to Sleep in the Barn
A lawyer and two friends, a Rabbi and a Hindu holy man, had car
trouble in the countryside and asked to spend the night with a
farmer. The farmer said "There might be a problem; you see, I only
have room for two to sleep, one of you must sleep in the barn.
"No problem", spoke the Rabbi, "My people wandered in the desert for
forty years, I am humble enough to sleep in the barn for an
evening." With that he departed to the barn and the others bedded
down for the night. Moments later a knock was heard at the door; the
farmer opened the door, there stood the Rabbi from the barn.
"What's wrong?", asked the farmer. He replied, "I am grateful to
you, but I can't sleep in the barn. There is a pig in the barn and
my faith believes that is an unclean animal." His Hindu friend
agrees to swap places with him.
But a few minutes later the same scene reoccurs. There is a knock on
the door, "What's wrong, now?, the farmer asks. The Hindu holy man
replies, "I too am grateful for helping us out but there is a cow in
the barn and in my country cows are considered sacred. I can't sleep
on holy ground!"
Well, that leaves only the lawyer to make the change. He grumbled
and complained, but went out to the barn. Moments later there was
another knock on the farmers door. Frustrated and tired, the farmer
opens the door, and there stood the pig and the cow!
Angel_Wings
Reply #285 Sunday, January 26, 2003 1:17 PM
Reply #285 Sunday, January 26, 2003 1:17 PM
WOLFY
TY, precious! (((HUG)))
Ph00ey...can't you see wolfy and I are having a special moment here!
TY, precious! (((HUG)))
Ph00ey...can't you see wolfy and I are having a special moment here!
Mr_Ph00ey2u
Reply #286 Sunday, January 26, 2003 1:27 PM
Reply #286 Sunday, January 26, 2003 1:27 PM
Ok...sowwy! Well if you're finished having your special moment in the joke thread heres a story of another special moment
A young man and woman have been dating for quite a long time. They have not had sex because they wanted to wait to make sure that their first time was going to be special and with the right person. The young man is getting a little antsy, though, and he feels that it is about time to go through with it.
Finally, when the girl decides that it is the right time for her too, they set a date for the special night to happen. She explains that they have to have dinner at her parent's house first, and then they will have the rest of the night to themselves for, you know, the moment.
The young man is very excited and is counting the days till the weekend. On the day that the shagging is supposed to occur, he heads to a pharmacy to pick up condoms for protection. He wants to take every precaution and he wants to be prepared. While looking at the many brands of condoms, not knowing what to choose, a pharmacist walks over and asks the young man if he needs help. He's a little embarrassed at first, but realizes that the man is sincere about helping him. The man explains to him what he needs and asks the young man if he has ever used them before. The boy replies "No, this is the first time I've ever had sex." The pharmacist smiles with an understanding look, and explains to the young man the procedure on how to use the condoms.
When all that is done, the boys goes home to get ready for the big night. He spends hours making sure that everything is going to go perfectly. The hour arrives where he must venture over to his girlfriend's house.
He meets her mother and father for the first time, and they sit down for dinner. The mother begins saying grace, and all of their heads bow down. After grace is said, the young man continues to keep his head bowed and appears as though he is still praying.
After some awkward silence, he finally raises his head. His girlfriend leans over and whispers quietly to him, "I didn't know that you were so religious."
The young man answers back, "Yeah, and I didn't know that your dad was a pharmacist either!"
heres a story of another special moment A young man and woman have been dating for quite a long time. They have not had sex because they wanted to wait to make sure that their first time was going to be special and with the right person. The young man is getting a little antsy, though, and he feels that it is about time to go through with it.
Finally, when the girl decides that it is the right time for her too, they set a date for the special night to happen. She explains that they have to have dinner at her parent's house first, and then they will have the rest of the night to themselves for, you know, the moment.
The young man is very excited and is counting the days till the weekend. On the day that the shagging is supposed to occur, he heads to a pharmacy to pick up condoms for protection. He wants to take every precaution and he wants to be prepared. While looking at the many brands of condoms, not knowing what to choose, a pharmacist walks over and asks the young man if he needs help. He's a little embarrassed at first, but realizes that the man is sincere about helping him. The man explains to him what he needs and asks the young man if he has ever used them before. The boy replies "No, this is the first time I've ever had sex." The pharmacist smiles with an understanding look, and explains to the young man the procedure on how to use the condoms.
When all that is done, the boys goes home to get ready for the big night. He spends hours making sure that everything is going to go perfectly. The hour arrives where he must venture over to his girlfriend's house.
He meets her mother and father for the first time, and they sit down for dinner. The mother begins saying grace, and all of their heads bow down. After grace is said, the young man continues to keep his head bowed and appears as though he is still praying.
After some awkward silence, he finally raises his head. His girlfriend leans over and whispers quietly to him, "I didn't know that you were so religious."
The young man answers back, "Yeah, and I didn't know that your dad was a pharmacist either!"
Mr_Ph00ey2u
Reply #287 Sunday, January 26, 2003 2:05 PM
Reply #287 Sunday, January 26, 2003 2:05 PM
Speaking of Episodic Seinfeld flashbacks...
Seinfeld Quotes:
Never raise your hands to your kids. It leaves your groin unprotected.
I'm not into working out. My philosophy: No pain, no pain.
I'm still trying to figure out why kamikaze pilots wore helmets.
Ever wonder if illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup?
I've always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific.
Did you ever notice when you blow in a dog's face he gets mad at you? But when you take him in a car he sticks his head out the window.
Have you ever noticed? Anybody going slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac.
You have to stay in shape. My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 today and we don't know where she is.
The reason most people play golf is to wear clothes they would not be caught dead in otherwise.
Anytime four New Yorkers get into a cab together without arguing, a bank robbery has just taken place.
I have six locks on my door, all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three.
I had a linguistics professor who said that it's man's ability to use language that makes him the dominant species on the planet. That may be, but I think there's one other thing that separates us from animals. We aren't afraid of vacuum cleaners.
The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four Americans is suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of your three best friends. If they are okay, then it's you.
TV ads show you how detergents take out bloodstains. I think if you've got a bloodstained T-shirt, maybe laundry isn't your biggest problem.
I ask people why they have deer heads on their walls. They always say "because it's such a beautiful animal." There you go I think. My mother is attractive, but I only have photographs of her.
A lady came up to me on the street and pointed at my suede jacket. 'You know a cow was murdered for that jacket'? She sneered. I replied in a psychotic tone, "I didn't know there were any witnesses. Now I'll have to kill you too!"
Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I'm halfway through my fish-burger and I realize, "Oh my God.... I could be eating a slow learner."
Seinfeld Quotes:
Never raise your hands to your kids. It leaves your groin unprotected.
I'm not into working out. My philosophy: No pain, no pain.
I'm still trying to figure out why kamikaze pilots wore helmets.
Ever wonder if illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup?
I've always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific.
Did you ever notice when you blow in a dog's face he gets mad at you? But when you take him in a car he sticks his head out the window.
Have you ever noticed? Anybody going slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac.
You have to stay in shape. My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 today and we don't know where she is.
The reason most people play golf is to wear clothes they would not be caught dead in otherwise.
Anytime four New Yorkers get into a cab together without arguing, a bank robbery has just taken place.
I have six locks on my door, all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three.
I had a linguistics professor who said that it's man's ability to use language that makes him the dominant species on the planet. That may be, but I think there's one other thing that separates us from animals. We aren't afraid of vacuum cleaners.
The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four Americans is suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of your three best friends. If they are okay, then it's you.
TV ads show you how detergents take out bloodstains. I think if you've got a bloodstained T-shirt, maybe laundry isn't your biggest problem.
I ask people why they have deer heads on their walls. They always say "because it's such a beautiful animal." There you go I think. My mother is attractive, but I only have photographs of her.
A lady came up to me on the street and pointed at my suede jacket. 'You know a cow was murdered for that jacket'? She sneered. I replied in a psychotic tone, "I didn't know there were any witnesses. Now I'll have to kill you too!"
Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I'm halfway through my fish-burger and I realize, "Oh my God.... I could be eating a slow learner."
Mr_Ph00ey2u
Reply #288 Sunday, January 26, 2003 2:58 PM
Reply #288 Sunday, January 26, 2003 2:58 PM
A touching story...
Truly a heart warming story about the bond formed between a little girl and some construction workers. This makes you want to believe in the goodness of people and believe there is hope for the human race."
A young family moved into a house next door to a vacant lot. One day a construction crew turned up to start building a house on the empty lot. The young family's 6-year-old daughter naturally took an interest in all the activity going on next door and started talking with the workers.
She hung around and eventually the construction crew, gems-in-the-rough all of them, more or less adopted her as a kind of project mascot. They chatted with her, let her sit with them while they had coffee and lunch breaks, and gave her little jobs to do here and there to make her feel important.
At the end of the first week they even presented her with a pay envelope containing a dollar. The little girl took this home to her mother who said all the appropriate words of admiration and suggested that they take the dollar pay she had received to the bank the next day to start a savings account. When they got to the bank the teller was equally impressed with the story and asked the little girl how she had come by her very own pay check at such a young age.
The little girl proudly replied, "I've been working with a crew building a house all week."
"My goodness gracious," said the teller, "and will you be working on the house again this week too?"
She replied "I will if those useless sons of bitches at the lumber yard ever bring us any drywall that's worth a damn!
Truly a heart warming story about the bond formed between a little girl and some construction workers. This makes you want to believe in the goodness of people and believe there is hope for the human race."
A young family moved into a house next door to a vacant lot. One day a construction crew turned up to start building a house on the empty lot. The young family's 6-year-old daughter naturally took an interest in all the activity going on next door and started talking with the workers.
She hung around and eventually the construction crew, gems-in-the-rough all of them, more or less adopted her as a kind of project mascot. They chatted with her, let her sit with them while they had coffee and lunch breaks, and gave her little jobs to do here and there to make her feel important.
At the end of the first week they even presented her with a pay envelope containing a dollar. The little girl took this home to her mother who said all the appropriate words of admiration and suggested that they take the dollar pay she had received to the bank the next day to start a savings account. When they got to the bank the teller was equally impressed with the story and asked the little girl how she had come by her very own pay check at such a young age.
The little girl proudly replied, "I've been working with a crew building a house all week."
"My goodness gracious," said the teller, "and will you be working on the house again this week too?"
She replied "I will if those useless sons of bitches at the lumber yard ever bring us any drywall that's worth a damn!
Mr_Ph00ey2u
Reply #289 Sunday, January 26, 2003 3:59 PM
Reply #289 Sunday, January 26, 2003 3:59 PM
Signs That You're A Drunk:
1. You lose arguments with inanimate objects.
2. You have to hold on to the lawn to keep from falling off the earth.
3. Your job starts to interfere with your drinking.
4. Your doctor finds traces of blood in your alcohol stream.
5. The back of your head keeps getting hit by the toilet seat.
6. You sincerely believe alcohol is the elusive 5th food group.
7. 24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case: coincidence?!?
8. Two hands and just one mouth, now that's a drinking problem.
9. Every woman you see has an exact twin.
10. You fall off the floor.
11. Hey, five beers have just as many calories as a burger, screw dinner!
12. Your idea of cutting back is less salt.
13. Every night you're beginning to find your neighbor's cat more and more attractive.
14. "I'm not drunk, you're just sober!!!"
15. Roseanne looks great.
16. You don't recognize your wife unless seen from the bottom of a glass.
17. That damned pink elephant followed you home again.
18. You have a reserved parking space at the liquor store.
19. You've fallen and can't get up.
20. The shrubbery's drunk too, from frequent watering.
1. You lose arguments with inanimate objects.
2. You have to hold on to the lawn to keep from falling off the earth.
3. Your job starts to interfere with your drinking.
4. Your doctor finds traces of blood in your alcohol stream.
5. The back of your head keeps getting hit by the toilet seat.
6. You sincerely believe alcohol is the elusive 5th food group.
7. 24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case: coincidence?!?
8. Two hands and just one mouth, now that's a drinking problem.
9. Every woman you see has an exact twin.
10. You fall off the floor.
11. Hey, five beers have just as many calories as a burger, screw dinner!
12. Your idea of cutting back is less salt.
13. Every night you're beginning to find your neighbor's cat more and more attractive.
14. "I'm not drunk, you're just sober!!!"
15. Roseanne looks great.
16. You don't recognize your wife unless seen from the bottom of a glass.
17. That damned pink elephant followed you home again.
18. You have a reserved parking space at the liquor store.
19. You've fallen and can't get up.
20. The shrubbery's drunk too, from frequent watering.
Mr_Ph00ey2u
Reply #290 Sunday, January 26, 2003 4:58 PM
Reply #290 Sunday, January 26, 2003 4:58 PM
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WILL WORK FOR FOOD!
Franchises Still Available!
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We supply the cardboard sign
We supply the prime location
We supply the thin clothing
We supply fake Veteran card if needed
We supply a special 90 minute instructional tape "How To Look Homeless"
Say good-bye to that dead end job. Call today, operators are standing by, just dial, 1-800-RIP-UOFF
Now until the end of the month, as a bonus, we will include a wooden crutch with each order just in case someone actually asks you to do some work.
Angel_Wings
Reply #292 Sunday, January 26, 2003 5:02 PM
Reply #292 Sunday, January 26, 2003 5:02 PM
OMG I have tears in my eyes reading some of these!
Mr_Ph00ey2u
Reply #293 Sunday, January 26, 2003 5:06 PM
Reply #293 Sunday, January 26, 2003 5:06 PM
Shmoopy...that's from the onions you're peeling!
Angel_Wings
Reply #294 Sunday, January 26, 2003 5:09 PM
Reply #294 Sunday, January 26, 2003 5:09 PM
How'd you know I was peeling onions!
Oh yeah, my breath!
sowwy...hehe
Oh yeah, my breath!
sowwy...hehe
Mr_Ph00ey2u
Reply #295 Sunday, January 26, 2003 5:50 PM Shmoopy!
Time for a Joke!
A woman came home from her date and began to undress for
bed, unaware that a peeping Tom was watching her through her
window. She removed her wig and placed it upon the wig stand.
She unhooked her padded bra and pitched it into the hamper.
She pulled off her girdle with the padded butt and pitched
that too. She removed her contact lenses, cleaned them, and
stored them in their case. She pulled off her false eyelashes
and stuck them to their holder.
Suddenly she noticed the man peeping in at her window.
"What do you want?" she screamed.
He said, "You know what I want. Take it off and throw it
over here."
Reply #295 Sunday, January 26, 2003 5:50 PM
Shmoopy! Time for a Joke!
A woman came home from her date and began to undress for
bed, unaware that a peeping Tom was watching her through her
window. She removed her wig and placed it upon the wig stand.
She unhooked her padded bra and pitched it into the hamper.
She pulled off her girdle with the padded butt and pitched
that too. She removed her contact lenses, cleaned them, and
stored them in their case. She pulled off her false eyelashes
and stuck them to their holder.
Suddenly she noticed the man peeping in at her window.
"What do you want?" she screamed.
He said, "You know what I want. Take it off and throw it
over here."
Mr_Ph00ey2u
Reply #296 Sunday, January 26, 2003 7:15 PM
Reply #296 Sunday, January 26, 2003 7:15 PM
End of 1st quarter score tied 3-3 Bucs have the ball...time for a Joke
A husband and wife are traveling by car from Key West to Boston. After
almost twenty-four hours on the road, they're too tired to continue, and
they decide to stop for a rest. They stop at a nice hotel and take a
room, but they only plan to sleep for four hours and then get back on the
road.
When they check out four hours later, the desk clerk hands them a bill for
$350. The man explodes and demands to know why the charge is so high. He
tells the clerk although it's a nice hotel, the rooms certainly aren't
worth $350.
When the clerk tells him $350 is the standard rate, the man insists on
speaking to the manager.
The manager listens to the man and then explains the hotel has an
Olympic-sized pool and a huge conference center that were available for
the husband and wife to use. He also explains they could have taken in
one of the shows for which the hotel is famous. "The best entertainers
from New York, Hollywood and Las Vegas perform here," explains the
manager.
No matter what facility the manager mentions, the man replies, "But we
didn't use it!"
The manager is unmoved and eventually the man gives up and agrees to pay.
He writes a check and gives it to the manager.
The manager is surprised when he looks at the check. "But sir," he says,
"this check is only made out for $100."
"That's right," says the man. "I charged you $250 for sleeping with my
wife."
"But I didn't!" exclaims the manager.
"Well," the man replies, "she was here, and you could have."
A husband and wife are traveling by car from Key West to Boston. After
almost twenty-four hours on the road, they're too tired to continue, and
they decide to stop for a rest. They stop at a nice hotel and take a
room, but they only plan to sleep for four hours and then get back on the
road.
When they check out four hours later, the desk clerk hands them a bill for
$350. The man explodes and demands to know why the charge is so high. He
tells the clerk although it's a nice hotel, the rooms certainly aren't
worth $350.
When the clerk tells him $350 is the standard rate, the man insists on
speaking to the manager.
The manager listens to the man and then explains the hotel has an
Olympic-sized pool and a huge conference center that were available for
the husband and wife to use. He also explains they could have taken in
one of the shows for which the hotel is famous. "The best entertainers
from New York, Hollywood and Las Vegas perform here," explains the
manager.
No matter what facility the manager mentions, the man replies, "But we
didn't use it!"
The manager is unmoved and eventually the man gives up and agrees to pay.
He writes a check and gives it to the manager.
The manager is surprised when he looks at the check. "But sir," he says,
"this check is only made out for $100."
"That's right," says the man. "I charged you $250 for sleeping with my
wife."
"But I didn't!" exclaims the manager.
"Well," the man replies, "she was here, and you could have."
Weaksid
Reply #297 Sunday, January 26, 2003 8:56 PM
Reply #297 Sunday, January 26, 2003 8:56 PM
Woohoo, I finally got something
Here is a good link
http://rita.thegourmet.com/computers.html
Here is a good link
http://rita.thegourmet.com/computers.html
Mr_Ph00ey2u
Reply #299 Sunday, January 26, 2003 9:12 PM
Reply #299 Sunday, January 26, 2003 9:12 PM
Guess all the Raider fans need a Joke to cheer them up, so here goes...
A frog goes to a psychic to have his fortune told. She
peers into the crystal ball for a long time making lots of
"Mmh-hmn" noises, and making mystical passes over it. The
frog gets tired of this, and finally asks her "So what do
you see in my future?"
"Well, I see that you will meet a beautiful young girl..."
Begins the psychic. "And this lovely young girl will be
intently focused on you. She will want to know as much as
she can about you..."
"Great! Great! So do I meet her at a bar or what?" The frog
demands impatiently.
"No...Biology class."
A frog goes to a psychic to have his fortune told. She
peers into the crystal ball for a long time making lots of
"Mmh-hmn" noises, and making mystical passes over it. The
frog gets tired of this, and finally asks her "So what do
you see in my future?"
"Well, I see that you will meet a beautiful young girl..."
Begins the psychic. "And this lovely young girl will be
intently focused on you. She will want to know as much as
she can about you..."
"Great! Great! So do I meet her at a bar or what?" The frog
demands impatiently.
"No...Biology class."
Mr_Ph00ey2u
Reply #300 Sunday, January 26, 2003 10:23 PM
Reply #300 Sunday, January 26, 2003 10:23 PM
Games over...back to the Jokes!
A man stumbles into the neighborhood bar and walks up to the only other
patron in a bar, who is also drunk, and asks if he could buy him a drink.
"Why of course," comes the reply.
The first man then asks: "Where are you from?"
"I'm from Ireland," replies the second man.
The first man responds: "You don't say, I'm from Ireland too! Let's have another round to Ireland."
"Of Course," replies the second man.
Curious, the first man then asks: "Where in Ireland are you from?"
"Dublin," comes the reply.
"I can't believe it," says the first man. "I'm from Dublin too! Let's have another drink to Dublin."
"Of course," replies the second man.
Curiosity again strikes and the first man asks: "What school did you go to?"
"Saint Mary's," replies the second man. "I graduated in '72."
"This is unbelievable!," the first man says. "I went to Saint Mary's and I graduated in '72, too!"
About that time, in comes one of the regular patrons and sits down at the bar.
"What's been going on?," he asks the bartender.
"Nothing much," replies the bartender."
"The O'Malley twins are drunk again!"
A man stumbles into the neighborhood bar and walks up to the only other
patron in a bar, who is also drunk, and asks if he could buy him a drink.
"Why of course," comes the reply.
The first man then asks: "Where are you from?"
"I'm from Ireland," replies the second man.
The first man responds: "You don't say, I'm from Ireland too! Let's have another round to Ireland."
"Of Course," replies the second man.
Curious, the first man then asks: "Where in Ireland are you from?"
"Dublin," comes the reply.
"I can't believe it," says the first man. "I'm from Dublin too! Let's have another drink to Dublin."
"Of course," replies the second man.
Curiosity again strikes and the first man asks: "What school did you go to?"
"Saint Mary's," replies the second man. "I graduated in '72."
"This is unbelievable!," the first man says. "I went to Saint Mary's and I graduated in '72, too!"
About that time, in comes one of the regular patrons and sits down at the bar.
"What's been going on?," he asks the bartender.
"Nothing much," replies the bartender."
"The O'Malley twins are drunk again!"
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Reply #281 Sunday, January 26, 2003 1:08 PM