Messageboard Joke Marathon
Sunday, January 19, 2003 by Mr_Ph00ey2u | Discussion: WinCustomize Talk
Ok...bring on your best or worst but leave everyone laughing 
Joke Rulez
1. Let's keep them PG. WC is a Family Place.
2. Links to Funny Pics or Flash files are welcome.
3. Throwing fruit and veggies at bad jokes is encouraged!
Joke Rulez
1. Let's keep them PG. WC is a Family Place.
2. Links to Funny Pics or Flash files are welcome.
3. Throwing fruit and veggies at bad jokes is encouraged!
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Mr_Ph00ey2u
Reply #222 Friday, January 24, 2003 8:41 PM
Reply #222 Friday, January 24, 2003 8:41 PM
Due to increasing product liability litigation, American liquor manufacturers have accepted the FDA's suggestion that the following warning labels be placed immediately on all varieties of alcohol containers:
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell happened to your bra.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like a retard.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell your friends over and over again that you love them.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to think you can sing.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex-lovers are really dying for you to telephone them at four in the morning.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you can logically converse with members of the opposite sex without spitting.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you have mystical Kung Fu powers, resulting in you getting your ass kicked.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to roll over in the morning and see something really scary.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of inexplicable rug burns on the forehead, knees and lower back.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, smarter, faster and better looking than most people.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe you are invisible or worse - bulletproof.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing WITH you.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause a disturbance in the time-space continuum, whereby gaps of time may seem to literally disappear.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause pregnancy.
WARNING: the consumption of alcohol may Mack you tink you can tipe real gode.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell happened to your bra.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like a retard.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell your friends over and over again that you love them.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to think you can sing.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex-lovers are really dying for you to telephone them at four in the morning.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you can logically converse with members of the opposite sex without spitting.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you have mystical Kung Fu powers, resulting in you getting your ass kicked.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to roll over in the morning and see something really scary.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of inexplicable rug burns on the forehead, knees and lower back.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, smarter, faster and better looking than most people.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe you are invisible or worse - bulletproof.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing WITH you.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause a disturbance in the time-space continuum, whereby gaps of time may seem to literally disappear.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause pregnancy.
WARNING: the consumption of alcohol may Mack you tink you can tipe real gode.
Mr_Ph00ey2u
Reply #223 Friday, January 24, 2003 9:10 PM
Reply #223 Friday, January 24, 2003 9:10 PM
REJECTED CHILDRENS BOOK TITLES
Juggling Knives is Easy
Where to Find the toys in the Oven
"Whatcha' Doin'" the Wonderful Phrase
101 Games to Play in the Road
The Indoor Pool is a Big Potty and the Divingboard is the Flusher
Homemade Fireworks using a Bathtub, a Blowdryer, and a Fork
Arthur Gets Hunted
Clifford and the Big and Yellow Semi
Monsters Killed Grandpa
The hit sequel to "Elvis is your real dad" Mrs.Clause is your real Mom
Chicken Poop for the Kids Soul
All Guns Squirt Water
When The Garbage Truck Came to Sesame Street
You Can Get Sucked Down the Drain
How to Make Sushi with Ordinary Goldfish
The New Boy is Bad
Your Nightmares are real
The Time When Elmer REALLY got Bugs
Scooby Doo Gets Rabbis
The Little Kitten that was too Curious.....
The Boy who was so Stupid that his Dad put him up for Adoption
Mickey Mouse and the Mouse Trap
Grampa Gets A Casket
Juggling Knives is Easy
Where to Find the toys in the Oven
"Whatcha' Doin'" the Wonderful Phrase
101 Games to Play in the Road
The Indoor Pool is a Big Potty and the Divingboard is the Flusher
Homemade Fireworks using a Bathtub, a Blowdryer, and a Fork
Arthur Gets Hunted
Clifford and the Big and Yellow Semi
Monsters Killed Grandpa
The hit sequel to "Elvis is your real dad" Mrs.Clause is your real Mom
Chicken Poop for the Kids Soul
All Guns Squirt Water
When The Garbage Truck Came to Sesame Street
You Can Get Sucked Down the Drain
How to Make Sushi with Ordinary Goldfish
The New Boy is Bad
Your Nightmares are real
The Time When Elmer REALLY got Bugs
Scooby Doo Gets Rabbis
The Little Kitten that was too Curious.....
The Boy who was so Stupid that his Dad put him up for Adoption
Mickey Mouse and the Mouse Trap
Grampa Gets A Casket
Mr_Ph00ey2u
Reply #224 Friday, January 24, 2003 9:12 PM
Reply #224 Friday, January 24, 2003 9:12 PM
The Wolf Man comes home one day from a long day at the office.
"How was work, dear?" his wife asks.
"Listen! I don't want to talk about work!" he shouts.
"Okay.
Would you like to sit down and eat a nice home cooked meal?" she asks sweetly.
"Listen!" he shouts again. "I'm not hungry! I don't wanna eat! Alright!
Is that alright with you? Can't I come home from work and just do my own thing
without you forcing food down my throat? huh?"
At this moment, the wolf man started growling, and throwing things
around the apartment in a mad rage.
Looking out the window, his wife sees a full moon and says to herself...
"Well, I guess it's that time of the month!"
"How was work, dear?" his wife asks.
"Listen! I don't want to talk about work!" he shouts.
"Okay.
Would you like to sit down and eat a nice home cooked meal?" she asks sweetly.
"Listen!" he shouts again. "I'm not hungry! I don't wanna eat! Alright!
Is that alright with you? Can't I come home from work and just do my own thing
without you forcing food down my throat? huh?"
At this moment, the wolf man started growling, and throwing things
around the apartment in a mad rage.
Looking out the window, his wife sees a full moon and says to herself...
"Well, I guess it's that time of the month!"
Mr_Ph00ey2u
Reply #225 Friday, January 24, 2003 9:16 PM
Reply #225 Friday, January 24, 2003 9:16 PM
MORE BUMPER STICKERS
Ax me about Ebonics
Body by Nautilus; brain by Mattel
Boldly going nowhere
Dain bramaged
Eat Well, Stay Fit, Die Anyway
Heart Attacks...God's Revenge For Eating His Animal Friends
How many roads must a man travel down before he admits he is lost
If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you
If you lived in your car, you'd be home by now
Money Isn't Everything, But it Sure Keeps the Kids In Touch
Saw it... Wanted it... Had a fit... Got it!
Your ridiculous little opinion has been noted
Ax me about Ebonics
Body by Nautilus; brain by Mattel
Boldly going nowhere
Dain bramaged
Eat Well, Stay Fit, Die Anyway
Heart Attacks...God's Revenge For Eating His Animal Friends
How many roads must a man travel down before he admits he is lost
If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you
If you lived in your car, you'd be home by now
Money Isn't Everything, But it Sure Keeps the Kids In Touch
Saw it... Wanted it... Had a fit... Got it!
Your ridiculous little opinion has been noted
Mr_Ph00ey2u
Reply #226 Friday, January 24, 2003 9:19 PM
Reply #226 Friday, January 24, 2003 9:19 PM
One fine sunny morning, a Catholic Priest took a walk in the local forest. He had been walking by the small stream when he noticed a sad, sad looking frog sitting on a toadstool.
"What's wrong with you?" said the priest.
"Well," said the frog, "the reason I am so sad on this fine day is because I wasn't always a frog."
"Really!" said the priest. "Can you explain!"
"Once upon a time I was an 11 year old Choir boy at the local church. I too was walking through this forest when I was confronted by the wicked witch of the forest. 'Let me pass!'
I yelled, but to no avail. She called me a cheeky little boy and with a flash of her wand, turned me into this frog you see before you."
"That's an incredible story" said the priest. "Is there no way of reversing this spell that the witch has cast upon you?."
"Yes" said the frog, "It is said, that if a nice kind person would pick me up, take me home, give me food & Warmth and with a good nights sleep would wake up a boy once again."
"Today's your lucky day!" said the priest, and picked up the frog and took him home. The priest gave the frog lots of food, placed him by the fire and at bedtime put the frog on
the pillow beside him. When the priest awoke, he saw the 11-year-old Choirboy beside him in bed.
"And that, Your Honor, is the case for the Defense."
"What's wrong with you?" said the priest.
"Well," said the frog, "the reason I am so sad on this fine day is because I wasn't always a frog."
"Really!" said the priest. "Can you explain!"
"Once upon a time I was an 11 year old Choir boy at the local church. I too was walking through this forest when I was confronted by the wicked witch of the forest. 'Let me pass!'
I yelled, but to no avail. She called me a cheeky little boy and with a flash of her wand, turned me into this frog you see before you."
"That's an incredible story" said the priest. "Is there no way of reversing this spell that the witch has cast upon you?."
"Yes" said the frog, "It is said, that if a nice kind person would pick me up, take me home, give me food & Warmth and with a good nights sleep would wake up a boy once again."
"Today's your lucky day!" said the priest, and picked up the frog and took him home. The priest gave the frog lots of food, placed him by the fire and at bedtime put the frog on
the pillow beside him. When the priest awoke, he saw the 11-year-old Choirboy beside him in bed.
"And that, Your Honor, is the case for the Defense."
Mr_Ph00ey2u
Reply #227 Friday, January 24, 2003 9:26 PM
Reply #227 Friday, January 24, 2003 9:26 PM
Ya Might be a Redneck Addicted to computers if.....
Ya see the word "Zip" and know why you'z feelin' a draft.
If yer computer stand is made of a stack of old tires or 2 x 8's and cinderblocks.
Ya think www. in a url is a logo for a wrestlin' organization.
Someone tells ya he's "locked up" and ya ask if he needs bail money.
Ya've ever been too drunk to chat.
Ya think a harddrive is a trip to Uncle Bubba's.
Yer mouse keeps knocking over yer spitcan.
Ya think a surge suppressor is a pill for diarrhea.
Ya keep trying to figure out why yer scanner won't pick up police radio calls.
Ya think a megabyte is a new sandwich at McDonald's.
Ya have to ask someone how to spell.
Yer stomach overlaps half of yer keyboard.
Ya try to figure out how to get yer empty beer cans into the recyclin' bin.
Ya try to turn on yer computer with the remote.
Ya find yerself on the floor looking into yer "A Drive," yelling 'Give it back! Give it Back.'
When birds fly across yer screen an ya reach for yer shotgun.
Ya put a mousetrap on yer desk
Yer yards full of ol' computers stacked on cinder blocks.
Ya call tech support an ask where ta buy stamps fer yer e-mail.
When ya turn yer computer on, ya say "Come OOOOOOON, Betsy."
Ya think ICQ is how smart yer computer is.
Someone tellz ya yer computer has a bug an ya reach for the can of Raid.
Ya go buy a surfboard to surf the net.
Ya think yer homepage is where ya really live.
Ya give Directions to a website that include a person, animal, or old barn.
Ya Think MB stands for "More Beer."
Ya wait fer the bluelight special at K-Mart ta buy yer 'puter.
Ya see the word Download and take the shells out of yer shotgun.
Ya think the person that made yer keyboard was dumb cuz the letters ain't in order.
Ya think pushing the delete key will make yer ol' lady disappear.
Ya think GIF stands fer "Goodie! It's Free!"
Ya see the "shift" key and try ta figure out how ta change gears.
Ya put a quilt over yer screen when ya make whoopee with yer ol' lady.
Ya wonder why yer screen saver ain't wearing a cape like that there superhero on the cartoons.
Ya think Geocities is a place ta buy lil cars.
Ya catch yerself tryin' to smell the li'l flower on yer ICQ contact list.
Ya think the "A drive" is where ya park yer pickup.
Yer 'puter has a bumper sticker on it.
Part of yer 'puter is held together with duct tape.
Ya sees the word "Refresh" and reach into the cooler fer another beer.
Ya's in a chat room, 'n' someone asks where yer from 'n' ya reply, "My momma."
Ya sees the word "Website" and start looking for spiders.
Ya see the word "Zip" and know why you'z feelin' a draft.
If yer computer stand is made of a stack of old tires or 2 x 8's and cinderblocks.
Ya think www. in a url is a logo for a wrestlin' organization.
Someone tells ya he's "locked up" and ya ask if he needs bail money.
Ya've ever been too drunk to chat.
Ya think a harddrive is a trip to Uncle Bubba's.
Yer mouse keeps knocking over yer spitcan.
Ya think a surge suppressor is a pill for diarrhea.
Ya keep trying to figure out why yer scanner won't pick up police radio calls.
Ya think a megabyte is a new sandwich at McDonald's.
Ya have to ask someone how to spell
.Yer stomach overlaps half of yer keyboard.
Ya try to figure out how to get yer empty beer cans into the recyclin' bin.
Ya try to turn on yer computer with the remote.
Ya find yerself on the floor looking into yer "A Drive," yelling 'Give it back! Give it Back.'
When birds fly across yer screen an ya reach for yer shotgun.
Ya put a mousetrap on yer desk
Yer yards full of ol' computers stacked on cinder blocks.
Ya call tech support an ask where ta buy stamps fer yer e-mail.
When ya turn yer computer on, ya say "Come OOOOOOON, Betsy."
Ya think ICQ is how smart yer computer is.
Someone tellz ya yer computer has a bug an ya reach for the can of Raid.
Ya go buy a surfboard to surf the net.
Ya think yer homepage is where ya really live.
Ya give Directions to a website that include a person, animal, or old barn.
Ya Think MB stands for "More Beer."
Ya wait fer the bluelight special at K-Mart ta buy yer 'puter.
Ya see the word Download and take the shells out of yer shotgun.
Ya think the person that made yer keyboard was dumb cuz the letters ain't in order.
Ya think pushing the delete key will make yer ol' lady disappear.
Ya think GIF stands fer "Goodie! It's Free!"
Ya see the "shift" key and try ta figure out how ta change gears.
Ya put a quilt over yer screen when ya make whoopee with yer ol' lady.
Ya wonder why yer screen saver ain't wearing a cape like that there superhero on the cartoons.
Ya think Geocities is a place ta buy lil cars.
Ya catch yerself tryin' to smell the li'l flower on yer ICQ contact list.
Ya think the "A drive" is where ya park yer pickup.
Yer 'puter has a bumper sticker on it.
Part of yer 'puter is held together with duct tape.
Ya sees the word "Refresh" and reach into the cooler fer another beer.
Ya's in a chat room, 'n' someone asks where yer from 'n' ya reply, "My momma."
Ya sees the word "Website" and start looking for spiders.
Mr_Ph00ey2u
Reply #228 Friday, January 24, 2003 9:34 PM
Reply #228 Friday, January 24, 2003 9:34 PM
There's this guy at a bar, just looking at his drink.
He stays like that for half-an-hour.
Then, this big mean trouble-making truck driver steps next to him, takes the drink from the guy, and gulps it down.
The poor man starts crying.
The truck driver says: "Come on man, I was just joking. Here,... I'll buy you another drink. I just can't see a man crying."
"No, it's not that. This day is the worst of my life. First, I sleep through the alarm, and I go late to my office. My boss, outraged, fires me. When I leave the building, to my car, I found out it was stolen. The police, they say they can do nothing. I get a cab to return home, and when I leave it, I remember I left my wallet and credit cards there. The cab driver just drives away. I go home, and when I get there, I find my wife in bed with the gardener. I leave home, and come to this bar. And when I was thinking about
putting an end to my life, you show up and drink my poison!!!"
He stays like that for half-an-hour.
Then, this big mean trouble-making truck driver steps next to him, takes the drink from the guy, and gulps it down.
The poor man starts crying.
The truck driver says: "Come on man, I was just joking. Here,... I'll buy you another drink. I just can't see a man crying."
"No, it's not that. This day is the worst of my life. First, I sleep through the alarm, and I go late to my office. My boss, outraged, fires me. When I leave the building, to my car, I found out it was stolen. The police, they say they can do nothing. I get a cab to return home, and when I leave it, I remember I left my wallet and credit cards there. The cab driver just drives away. I go home, and when I get there, I find my wife in bed with the gardener. I leave home, and come to this bar. And when I was thinking about
putting an end to my life, you show up and drink my poison!!!"
kthxbye
Reply #229 Friday, January 24, 2003 9:34 PM
Reply #229 Friday, January 24, 2003 9:34 PM
I'm beginning to wonder if you're the only one of us with any jokes, Ph00ey!
Mr_Ph00ey2u
Reply #230 Friday, January 24, 2003 9:40 PM
Reply #230 Friday, January 24, 2003 9:40 PM
The preacher, in his Sunday sermon, used "Forgive Your Enemies" as his subject. After a long sermon, he asked how many were willing to forgive their enemies. About half held
up their hands.
Not satisfied he harangued for another twenty minutes and repeated his question. This time he received a response of eighty percent.
Still unsatisfied, he lectured for fifteen minutes and repeated his question. With all thoughts now on Sunday dinner, all responded except one elderly lady in the rear.
"Mrs. Jones, are you not willing to forgive your enemies?'"
"I don't have any."
"Mrs. Jones, that is very unusual. How old are you? "
"Ninety-three."
"Mrs. Jones, please come down in front and tell the congregation how a person can live to ninety-three and not have an enemy in the world,"
The little sweetheart of a lady teetered down the aisle, very slowly turned around & said:
"It's easy. I just outlived the sons of bitches."
up their hands.
Not satisfied he harangued for another twenty minutes and repeated his question. This time he received a response of eighty percent.
Still unsatisfied, he lectured for fifteen minutes and repeated his question. With all thoughts now on Sunday dinner, all responded except one elderly lady in the rear.
"Mrs. Jones, are you not willing to forgive your enemies?'"
"I don't have any."
"Mrs. Jones, that is very unusual. How old are you? "
"Ninety-three."
"Mrs. Jones, please come down in front and tell the congregation how a person can live to ninety-three and not have an enemy in the world,"
The little sweetheart of a lady teetered down the aisle, very slowly turned around & said:
"It's easy. I just outlived the sons of bitches."
Mr_Ph00ey2u
Reply #231 Friday, January 24, 2003 9:47 PM
Reply #231 Friday, January 24, 2003 9:47 PM
kthxbye, Nooooo...I just have a lot of them...well thousands
Hope ya get a chuckle now and then..and please jump in with a joke ya want to share!
Hope ya get a chuckle now and then..and please jump in with a joke ya want to share!
kthxbye
Reply #232 Friday, January 24, 2003 9:50 PM
Reply #232 Friday, January 24, 2003 9:50 PM
I have been, I have been! 
I just haven't had any jokes I could think of fully-enough to share!
I'm terrible at remembering the things. Now if my step-father was around... no, wait - most of his aren't fit for repeating here!
I just haven't had any jokes I could think of fully-enough to share!I'm terrible at remembering the things. Now if my step-father was around... no, wait - most of his aren't fit for repeating here!
Mr_Ph00ey2u
Reply #233 Friday, January 24, 2003 9:54 PM I know what ya mean by that...most of the really best jokes are... shall we say just a bit off color...naaa their dirty jokes!
I'm keeping to "PG" rated jokes here...still some really funny ones!
Reply #233 Friday, January 24, 2003 9:54 PM
I know what ya mean by that...most of the really best jokes are... shall we say just a bit off color...naaa their dirty jokes! I'm keeping to "PG" rated jokes here...still some really funny ones!
kthxbye
Reply #234 Friday, January 24, 2003 9:56 PM
Reply #234 Friday, January 24, 2003 9:56 PM
Alas! If I could only think of some PG, or even PG-13 ones!
Mr_Ph00ey2u
Reply #235 Friday, January 24, 2003 10:13 PM
Reply #235 Friday, January 24, 2003 10:13 PM
You will
In the meantime...
A little boy and girl are playing in a sandbox.
The little boy has to go to take a pee and he was told by his mother to always Be Polite and don't talk about private matters in public. At first he holds it in for a little
while because he does not know what to say to the little girl to excuse himself.Then he remembers what his mom had said at the restaurant to excuse herself from
the table. So he turns to the little girl and says "Will you excuse me I have to go powder my nose".
And saying that he leaps out of the sandbox and runs to the washroom. When he comes back the little girl looks up at him and asks "Did you powder your nose?"
"Yes" said the little boy stepping back into the sandbox. "Well then" says the little girl, "You'd better close your compact because your lipstick is hanging out!"
In the meantime...
A little boy and girl are playing in a sandbox.
The little boy has to go to take a pee and he was told by his mother to always Be Polite and don't talk about private matters in public. At first he holds it in for a little
while because he does not know what to say to the little girl to excuse himself.Then he remembers what his mom had said at the restaurant to excuse herself from
the table. So he turns to the little girl and says "Will you excuse me I have to go powder my nose".
And saying that he leaps out of the sandbox and runs to the washroom. When he comes back the little girl looks up at him and asks "Did you powder your nose?"
"Yes" said the little boy stepping back into the sandbox. "Well then" says the little girl, "You'd better close your compact because your lipstick is hanging out!"
Mr_Ph00ey2u
Reply #236 Friday, January 24, 2003 10:19 PM
Reply #236 Friday, January 24, 2003 10:19 PM
The Ten Most Common Forms of Office Illness
1. The Macy's One Day Sale Flu.
2. The Drivers License Renewal Appointment 24-Hour Virus.
3. The Friday-Afternoon-Start-The-Weekend-Early Sudden
Unbearable Stomach Pains.
4. The I'm Looking for a New Job and I Don't Know How Long It's
Going to Take, but I Want To Stay On The Payroll Until Then
Mysterious Infection.
5. The My Boyfriend's Got the Week Off So Suddenly I'm Too
Contagious To Come In To The Office Disease.
6. The I Need a Hair Cut and My Stylist Doesn't Make Evening
Appointments Bout of Influenza.
7. The There's No Federal Holidays for Two Months and I Want a
Day Off Sickness.
8. The It's Spring Break and I Want To Pretend I'm a Teenager
Again General Ailment.
9. The I've Messed Up Royally and I Won't Come In To Face the
Music Terminal Illness.
10. The I Really Am Sick and I've Got The Doctor's Bills and the
Completed Medical Expense Reimbursement Forms to Prove It
Infirmity.
1. The Macy's One Day Sale Flu.
2. The Drivers License Renewal Appointment 24-Hour Virus.
3. The Friday-Afternoon-Start-The-Weekend-Early Sudden
Unbearable Stomach Pains.
4. The I'm Looking for a New Job and I Don't Know How Long It's
Going to Take, but I Want To Stay On The Payroll Until Then
Mysterious Infection.
5. The My Boyfriend's Got the Week Off So Suddenly I'm Too
Contagious To Come In To The Office Disease.
6. The I Need a Hair Cut and My Stylist Doesn't Make Evening
Appointments Bout of Influenza.
7. The There's No Federal Holidays for Two Months and I Want a
Day Off Sickness.
8. The It's Spring Break and I Want To Pretend I'm a Teenager
Again General Ailment.
9. The I've Messed Up Royally and I Won't Come In To Face the
Music Terminal Illness.
10. The I Really Am Sick and I've Got The Doctor's Bills and the
Completed Medical Expense Reimbursement Forms to Prove It
Infirmity.
werewolf
Reply #237 Friday, January 24, 2003 11:04 PM
Reply #237 Friday, January 24, 2003 11:04 PM
I am absolutely just rolling on the floor! I don't know where you came from PhOOey, but I'm real glad you're here. 
Mr_Ph00ey2u
Reply #238 Friday, January 24, 2003 11:10 PM
Reply #238 Friday, January 24, 2003 11:10 PM
Mommmmmmm!!!!!!!! Where'd I come from again? Mr. werewolf wants to know!
Mr_Ph00ey2u
Reply #239 Friday, January 24, 2003 11:16 PM
Reply #239 Friday, January 24, 2003 11:16 PM
Tupperware Party
One evening after dinner, my five-year-old son noticed that
his mother had gone out and he asked, "Where did mommy go?"
In answer to his questions, I told him, "Mommy is at a
Tupperware party."
This explanation satisfied him for only a moment.
Puzzled, he asked, "What's a Tupperware party, Dad?"
I've always given my son honest answers, so I figured a simple
explanation would be the best approach. "Well, son," I said,
"at a Tupperware party, a bunch of ladies sit around and sell
plastic bowls to each other."
He nodded, indicating that he understood this curious pastime.
Then he burst into laughter.
"Come on, Dad," he said. "What is it really?"
One evening after dinner, my five-year-old son noticed that
his mother had gone out and he asked, "Where did mommy go?"
In answer to his questions, I told him, "Mommy is at a
Tupperware party."
This explanation satisfied him for only a moment.
Puzzled, he asked, "What's a Tupperware party, Dad?"
I've always given my son honest answers, so I figured a simple
explanation would be the best approach. "Well, son," I said,
"at a Tupperware party, a bunch of ladies sit around and sell
plastic bowls to each other."
He nodded, indicating that he understood this curious pastime.
Then he burst into laughter.
"Come on, Dad," he said. "What is it really?"
Mr_Ph00ey2u
Reply #240 Friday, January 24, 2003 11:22 PM
Reply #240 Friday, January 24, 2003 11:22 PM
Letter from redneck mom to redneck son
Dear Redneck Son;
I'm writing this letter slow because I know you can't read fast.
We don't live where we did when you left home. Your dad read in the
newspaper that most accidents happen within 20 miles from your home, so
we moved. I won't be able to send you the address because the last
Arkansas family that lived here took the house numbers when they moved
so that they wouldn't have to change their address.
This place is really nice. It even has a washing machine. I'm not sure
it works so well though: last week I put a load in and pulled the chain
and haven't seen them since.
The weather isn't bad here. It only rained twice last week; the first
time for three days and the second time for four days.
About that coat you wanted me to send you, your Uncle Stanley said it
would be too heavy to send in the mail with the buttons on, so we cut
them off and put them in the pockets.
John locked his keys in the car yesterday. We were really worried
because it took him two hours to get me and your father out.
Your sister had a baby this morning; but I haven't found out what it is
yet so I don't know if your an aunt or an uncle. The baby looks just
like your brother....
Uncle Ted fell in a whiskey vat last week. Some men tried to pull him
out, but he fought them off playfully and drowned. We had him cremated
and he burned for three days.
Three of your friends went off a bridge in a pick-up truck. Ralph was
driving. He rolled down the window and swam to safety. Your other two
friends were in back. They drowned because they couldn't get the
tailgate down.
There isn't much more news at this time. Nothing much has happened.
Love, Mom
P.S. I was going to send you some money but the envelope was already
sealed.
Dear Redneck Son;
I'm writing this letter slow because I know you can't read fast.
We don't live where we did when you left home. Your dad read in the
newspaper that most accidents happen within 20 miles from your home, so
we moved. I won't be able to send you the address because the last
Arkansas family that lived here took the house numbers when they moved
so that they wouldn't have to change their address.
This place is really nice. It even has a washing machine. I'm not sure
it works so well though: last week I put a load in and pulled the chain
and haven't seen them since.
The weather isn't bad here. It only rained twice last week; the first
time for three days and the second time for four days.
About that coat you wanted me to send you, your Uncle Stanley said it
would be too heavy to send in the mail with the buttons on, so we cut
them off and put them in the pockets.
John locked his keys in the car yesterday. We were really worried
because it took him two hours to get me and your father out.
Your sister had a baby this morning; but I haven't found out what it is
yet so I don't know if your an aunt or an uncle. The baby looks just
like your brother....
Uncle Ted fell in a whiskey vat last week. Some men tried to pull him
out, but he fought them off playfully and drowned. We had him cremated
and he burned for three days.
Three of your friends went off a bridge in a pick-up truck. Ralph was
driving. He rolled down the window and swam to safety. Your other two
friends were in back. They drowned because they couldn't get the
tailgate down.
There isn't much more news at this time. Nothing much has happened.
Love, Mom
P.S. I was going to send you some money but the envelope was already
sealed.
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Reply #221 Friday, January 24, 2003 7:59 PM
It was a dogleg to the left, with a lake to the right. Moses got up and hit a long shot with a
little hook. Right in the middle of the fairway. Then God got up and pulled out his driver.
Then Moses said,"God, everytime you use you driver you always slice it."
So God said, "If Arnold Palmer can do it, I can do it." So he approched the ball. Got ready,
then hit a long one. It drifted to the right, SPLISH! Right in the middle of the lake.
So Moses said, "See God, I told you that would happen. I'll get it this time but you'll have
to get it next time." So Moses went out to the lake, held up his club, and parted the lake.
Then he went down, picked up the ball, and came back. After that, everything was going fine.
Until the 18th hole, straight away, with a long lake on the right. Moses hit a nice straight
shot down the fairway. Then God took out his driver.
Moses said, "God, last time you used your driver you sliced it. You always slice it."
And God repeated, "If Arnold Palmer can do it, I can do it." So he got up, and hit the ball.
Long hard shot, sliced, PLUNK!
Moses said, "I got the last one." So God walked on the water, bent over, picked up the ball.
About this time there was a foursome coming up behind them. One if the guys saw what God was
doing and asked Moses, "Who does that guy think he is, Jesus?"
Moses replied, "No. He thinks he's Arnold Palmer."