Ya know, I can remember a time in the not so distant past when the average toilet roll held 250 sheets and would cost about $2.99 for a pack 8.  And shoot, they'd last a week if your were sparing enough.  Yup, those were the good old days, when toilet rolls were substantial and did the job admirably.

Then toilet rolls went down to 240 sheets per roll and they ran out just that bit sooner, so one had to be vigilant for fear of being the one it ran out on.

Now I'm not normally the one to give greedy bastard businessmen the benefit of the doubt, but in this case I did.  I gave 'em the benefit of the doubt and put it down to their caring for the environment, protecting native forests and all that.

Then about a year or two later toilet rolls went down to 220 sheets.  Yes, that's right 220 measly sheets.  Crikey, even the sheets seemed to be smaller [no good if you have big hands/fingers]  

Again, I gave the bastards the benefit of the doubt. This time I put it down to the hole on the ozone layer, and how they figured cutting production would reduce the impact.

Hmmmph!!!  Well it wasn't too long before the humble toilet roll got slashed yet again, this time to just 200 sheets... and yeah, the sheets were definitely smaller than their predecessors, and as a result people spent more time washing their hands, to be sure, to be sure.

You'd think by now these toilet roll manufacturers would be happy - cutting down from 250 to 200 - but no.  The bastards!!!!  About a year later they cut 'em from 200 to 180.  Worse still, they're charging $6.99 for a pack of 8... more than twice the price of a pack just a few short years ago... and for a lot fucking less product.

No longer am I giving these pricks the benefit of the doubt, this is sheer greed.  There's no consioderation for native forests or the ozone layer here, this is unadulterated greed at its worst. Less paper = more rolls, and the more rolls the greater the sales/profits. 

Anyway, you guessed it.... they've done it again.  I'm fucking furious, let me tell you.  Not only did we inadvertently buy toilet rolls with only 160 sheets last week, I was the unlucky bastard who had one run out before the paperwork was finished. Yeah, they might look like bigger rolls n' all, with more than 160 sheets, but they're rolled more loosely just to look that way.... and that's where the bastards get ya. 

On appearance, they look like chunky rolls and value for money.... until you're shouting trough a crack in the toilet door: "Get me some fuckin' dunny paper, we're all out in here."  And why, because those tight bastards have been cutting sheet quantity and not clearly marking it on the packaging. It's there alright - "Each Roll Contains 160 Sheets" - but it's overwhelmed by floral patterns and in such tiny writing/numerals you need a fucking microscope to read it

Just when I had gotten used to the 180 sheet rolls, and learned to economise so as not to be caught short, they come up 20 sheets short, and here I are, looking for ingenious ways to avoid an embarrassing predicament.  I mean, I thought about separating the two ply and not pressing quite so hard... then folding the one remaining sheet in four and tearing out the corner, etc, etc, etc... and keeping the little triangle to clean under my fingernail.  However, I grew a set, plucked up the courage, swallowed my pride, forgot about the embarrassment and called out for a replacement roll.  The thing is, it shouldn't have been necessary.

That's right, I'm having a rant! I was told it was good for me.  In fact, I was told that I should let off steam before I march into Kleenex with my complaint... that it could be the difference between walking out under my own steam when done, or being frog-marched from the premises by security part way into my submission.  Yeah, I need to play it cool, no cussing; no threats of gonad removal; no calling him bastard... because places like that will give you heaps of shit if you complain nicely and compliment the staff member on their hair, suit, whatever it takes to get truckloads of free paper products.

And it's not like they don't owe me!  I was in there an hour on that cold hard toilet seat waiting to be extricated from my predicament... and when you have arthritic hips that's not a good thing, believe me  If we still had one of those backyard thunderboxes and no light, just a candle, I'd be askin' fer two truckloads of free paper products, which 'd help make up for all the short sheeted toilet rolls I've purchased over the years. 

Think I'm making a mountain out of a molehill?  Well you try sitting on a cold hard toilet seat without paper for an hour plus and see how jovial you are afterward. Then add that, you're so red with embarrassment your feet are freezing cold from a lack of blood.

The fact is, we're getting 90 sheets less than we were 5 - 6 years ago, and we're paying more, double in fact, and there's no justifying it with the preservation of native forests off the table.  Yup, not only am I going to petition for the cessation of shortening the rolls, I'm going to petition to have them restored to the 250 sheets of yesteryear.... and not just for myself... for my fellow man.... and woman.