Medical Advice Column
Some Long Weekend Humor From The Doc
Friday, May 22, 2009 by DrJBHL | Discussion: Community
Many folks ask me these questions from a sense of guilt and the desire to live good, long and healthy lives.
In this public minded spirit I bring you true medical wisdom. Cheap.
Just tell your Insurance Company to call 1-800-Bux-4Doc.
In lieu of that, send your check scotch taped to a top of the line HUGE screen computer to me (or duct taped to a bottle of Scotch).
Q: Doctor, I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true?
A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it... don't waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that's like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.
Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?
A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable products.
Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?
A: No, not at all. Wine is made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine, that means they take the water out of the fruity bit so you get even more of the goodness that way. Beer is also made out of grain. Bottoms up!
Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: Well, if you have a body and you have fat, your ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.
Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?
A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain...Good!
Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?
A: YOU'RE NOT LISTENING!!! ..... Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. In fact, they're permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you?
Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?
A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.
Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
A: Are you crazy? HELLO Cocoa beans ! Another vegetable!!! It's the best feel-good food around!
Q: Is swimming good for your figure?
A: If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to me.
Q: Is getting in-shape important for my lifestyle?
A: Hey! 'Round' is a shape!
Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets.
And remember:
'Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways - Chardonnay in one hand - chocolate in the other - body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming 'WOO HOO, What a Ride' AND.....
For those of you who watch what you eat, here's the final word on nutrition and health. It's a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting nutritional studies.
1. The Japanese eat very little fat
and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat
and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
3.. The Chinese drink very little red wine
and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
4. The Italians drink a lot of red wine
and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
5. The Germans drink a lot of beers and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
CONCLUSION
Eat and drink what you like.
Speaking English is apparently what kills you.
Happy Holiday to all....and remember: "All gave some....Some gave All" that you and your loved ones might enjoy the blessings of Freedom. Treasure that gift. Say "Thank You" to a Veteran.
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Reply #22 Saturday, May 23, 2009 6:44 AM
That would be: Israeli Defence Force
But in Doc's case: Irrepairable Damage Fund... which would be the personal medical insurance fund he keeps especially for medical accidents caused by dyslexia....
Like the time he read in his colleagues notes regarding a patients treatment: "Prick this man's boil!"
Poor guy, his wedding tackle will never be the same. 
Reply #23 Saturday, May 23, 2009 7:30 AM
Update:
Well, the response has been overwhelming. Smedley has flooded my inbox with what can only be described (generously, I might add) as his "art". The following questions were received in pm after the column was posted. Some people want anonymous advice.
Then there are Exhibitionists like Smedley. His answer is in #3.
Q: Since I just joined a HMO, how difficult will it be to choose the doctor I want?
A: Just slightly more difficult than choosing your parents. Your insurer will provide you with a book listing all the doctors who were participating in the plan at the time the information was gathered. These doctors basically fall into two categories -- those who are no longer accepting new patients, and those who will see you but are no longer part of the plan. But, fortunately, there is a doctor who is in the plan accepting new patients. And...he has an office just four hours away.
Q: have an 80/20 plan with a $200 deductible and a $2,000 yearly cap. My insurer reimbursed the doctor for my out-patient surgery but I'd already paid my bill. What should I do?
A: You have two choices. Your doctor can sign the reimbursement check over to you, or you can ask him to invest the money for you in one of those great offers that only doctors and dentists hear about, like windmill farms or frog hatcheries.
Q: What does HMO stand for?
A: This is actually a variation of the phrase, "Hey, Moe" Its roots go back to a concept pioneered by Doctor Moe Howard, who discovered that a patient could be made to forget about the pain in his foot if he was poked hard enough in the eyes. Modern practice replaces the physical finger poke with hi-tech equivalents such as voice mail and referral slips, but the result remains the same.
Q: Do all diagnostic procedures require pre-certification?
A: No. Only those you need.
Q: What are pre-existing conditions?
A: This is a phrase used by the grammatically challenged when they want to talk about existing conditions. Unfortunately, we appear to be pre-stuck with it.
Q: Well, can I get coverage for my pre-existing conditions?
A: Of course, as long as they don't require any treatment.
Q: What happens if I want to try alternative forms of medicine?
A: You'll need to find alternative forms of payment. In Smedley's case, turtles.
Q: What should I do if I get sick while traveling?
A: Try sitting in a different part of the bus.
Q: No, I mean what if I'm away from home and I get sick?
A: You really shouldn't do that. You'll have a hard time seeing your primary care physician. It's best to wait until you return, and then get sick.
Q: I think I need to see a specialist, but my doctor insists he can handle my problem. Can a general practitioner really perform a heart transplant right in his office?
A: Hard to say, but considering that all you're out is the $10 co-payment, there's no harm giving him a shot at it. I'm waiting for a certain "artist" to show up.
Q: What accounts for the largest portion of health care costs?
A: Doctors trying to recoup their investment losses.
Q: Will health care be any different in the next century?
A: No, but if you call right now, you might get an appointment by then.
Q: Doctor My husband thinks he's a satellite dish.
A: Don't worry I can cure him.
Q: I don't want him cured I want you to adjust him to get the movie channel.
Q: I hurt all over.
A: What do you mean, all over? Be a little more specific.
Q: When I touch my right knee with my index finger it hurts. Then when I touch my left cheek that hurts, too. When I touch my right earlobe, even THAT hurts!
A: I have given some thought to your problem: You have a broken finger. You are also blonde.
Reply #25 Saturday, May 23, 2009 9:58 AM
After a few moment the doctor is shaking his head and announces that there's little he can do other than pain relief
The guy is distraught and says: "But doc, my friend was in here yesterday with a red ring around his and you cured it."
"Yes, that may be so,... but lipstick is one thing, 3rd degree curried cabbage burns are another."
Curried cabbage strikes again
A gentlmen with a glass eye goes to bed every night after he puts his eye in a glass of water. One night he wakes up very thirsty. Spying the glass of water on his night stand and completely forgetting about the eye drinks it down. In the morning he wakes up with terribles pains in his abdomin. He rushes to the doctor and says:
"Doctor...Doctor...I have these pains in my belly and when I try to relieve myself I can't. Please you got to help me"
The doctor tells the man to drop his draws and bend over. The man does so and when the doctor takes a look he screams.
"AIYEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!"
"Doctor...what's wrong" The man exclaims. The doctor, visibly shaken stands up and wipes off his brow. Taking a few moments to compose himself he looks at the man and says:
"I've examined many an asshole before but this is the first time one ever stared back at me".
Reply #28 Saturday, May 23, 2009 10:40 AM
Love your new wall, Ken...forgot to leave a comment....I'm a new "Club Al" member. 
Corrected that just now (the comment part, anyway).
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Q: Doc, I just must have a liver transplant, a kidney transplant, a cornea transplant, a lung transplant, and a heart transplant."
A: Well, sounds to me like you need to get reorganized.
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A plumber attended to a leaking faucet at the neurosurgeon's house. After a two-minute job, he demanded $150.
The neurosurgeon exclaimed, "I don't even charge that amount and I am a brain surgeon."
The plumber replied, "I agree. You are right! I too, didn't either, when I was a surgeon. That's why I switched to plumbing."
Reply #29 Saturday, May 23, 2009 10:51 AM
Aye, already did Cap'n
<---sic
Aw geez, you BORGED me for that? Man, dammit, assimilated again!
Reply #30 Saturday, May 23, 2009 11:15 AM
Curtis...I'm Doc. Starkers is the Cap'n.
Answer to your question:
Reply #32 Saturday, May 23, 2009 3:47 PM
Naaah...it was the little 'sick' guy that inspired me. I figured it being a 3 day weekend, you'd be celebrating...soooooo... 
Why? Would you prefer something else, Cp? .......Mwah hah hah hah.....
Reply #33 Saturday, May 23, 2009 7:10 PM
Spinster goes to the doctor with a vibrator firmly wedged in her..... you know what
The doctor examines her and says: "I'm sorry dear, but this will require surgery to remove it."
"Remove it hell, I just want you to change the batteries!!!"
.............................................................
A very naive couple want to have a baby and go to the doctor to find out how to go about it.
However, no matter how the doctor explains the process, the young couple just doesn't grasp it.
"Look, doc, we don't get all that technical jargon, couldn't you just show us... like a practical demonstration."
With that the doctor gets the woman to undress and lay on the couch so he can demonstrate love making.
"Ah, so that's how it is done!"
Before they leave the office they thank the doctor and tell hm that they will begin trying in about 6 months time.
Anyhow, about 6 months later, the doctor walks into his room and finds the couple there again, and she is naked on the couch.
The doctor is quite surprised and asks why they are there..... why she is naked on the couch
"Oh, that's quite simple, doc, we're ready to have that baby now."
...................................................................................
Q: Doc, I have gall stones and want to know if I can have them mounted into a necklace once removed?
A: Yes you can. I am a jeweler in my spare time and can do that for you... but your medical insurance will increase 25%
Reply #34 Saturday, May 23, 2009 7:39 PM
A: Yes you can. I am a jeweler in my spare time and can do that for you... but your medical insurance will increase 25%
Actually? Most folks think of 'em as 'rocks'...they are rather firm, but since they're made of cholesterol crystals, they dry out and crumble. Mores the shame.
That would be true in the normal/average human. However: Since the pressure they're under in starkers' tummy (due to the incredible pressures from fermenting curried cabbage) may have turned them into diamonds, he may actually be able to turn the trick.
Shaunna: Keep a close eye on what's afoot in the O.R. The bankers down under have probably learned of what the possibilities are and may well try to steal your treasure (the stones...not starkers).
If they've turned into diamonds the Surgeon (Dr. Kimberly) will be performing the De Beers Procedure. The procedure is multi-faceted, but great care must be given to prevent the patient from becoming white/blue-white/blue. And do make sure they keep their mines on the business at hand.
Reply #35 Saturday, May 23, 2009 8:22 PM
In that case, then, I'm staying awake during the surgery... to make sure them thar saw bones don't scarper orf wiv me booty. 
The new rich:
With the hostile public outcry agasinst bankers and stockbrokers of late, many of them are visiting their MD's for truth transplants and conscience injections. Thing is, medical insurance does not cover these procedures and the medicos are cashing in big time, particularly with repeat/serial offenders. While one-time offenders receive the genuine article, serial/repeat offenders are given a saline based placebo with only 10% conscience serum so they have to keep going back.... and at $10.000 a shot, the medicos are becoming the new rich
Reply #37 Saturday, May 23, 2009 8:34 PM
With the hostile public outcry agasinst bankers and stockbrokers of late, many of them are visiting their MD's for truth transplants and conscience injections. Thing is, medical insurance does not cover these procedures and the medicos are cashing in big time, particularly with repeat/serial offenders. While one-time offenders receive the genuine article, serial/repeat offenders are given a saline based placebo with only 10% conscience serum so they have to keep going back.... and at $10.000 a shot, the medicos are becoming the new rich
From your mouth to G-d's ear!
Reply #38 Saturday, May 23, 2009 9:27 PM
Banker: Doc, I stuffed this wad of $100 bills down my shorts to sneak it out of the bank and now it's firmly wedged in my rectum, can you remove it and deposit said amount to my personal account
Doctor: I can remove it... but there's a catch! In doing so I will have to remove part of your bowel, which in your case is akin to a rather substantial lobotomy.
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Reply #21 Saturday, May 23, 2009 2:45 AM
Good advice, Doc!
I know that every time I feel like exercising I lie down until the feeling passes!
BTW, what's the I. D. F.