Medical Advice Column
Some Long Weekend Humor From The Doc
Friday, May 22, 2009 by DrJBHL | Discussion: Community
Many folks ask me these questions from a sense of guilt and the desire to live good, long and healthy lives.
In this public minded spirit I bring you true medical wisdom. Cheap.
Just tell your Insurance Company to call 1-800-Bux-4Doc.
In lieu of that, send your check scotch taped to a top of the line HUGE screen computer to me (or duct taped to a bottle of Scotch).
Q: Doctor, I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true?
A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it... don't waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that's like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.
Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?
A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable products.
Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?
A: No, not at all. Wine is made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine, that means they take the water out of the fruity bit so you get even more of the goodness that way. Beer is also made out of grain. Bottoms up!
Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: Well, if you have a body and you have fat, your ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.
Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?
A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain...Good!
Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?
A: YOU'RE NOT LISTENING!!! ..... Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. In fact, they're permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you?
Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?
A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.
Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
A: Are you crazy? HELLO Cocoa beans ! Another vegetable!!! It's the best feel-good food around!
Q: Is swimming good for your figure?
A: If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to me.
Q: Is getting in-shape important for my lifestyle?
A: Hey! 'Round' is a shape!
Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets.
And remember:
'Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways - Chardonnay in one hand - chocolate in the other - body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming 'WOO HOO, What a Ride' AND.....
For those of you who watch what you eat, here's the final word on nutrition and health. It's a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting nutritional studies.
1. The Japanese eat very little fat
and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat
and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
3.. The Chinese drink very little red wine
and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
4. The Italians drink a lot of red wine
and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
5. The Germans drink a lot of beers and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
CONCLUSION
Eat and drink what you like.
Speaking English is apparently what kills you.
Happy Holiday to all....and remember: "All gave some....Some gave All" that you and your loved ones might enjoy the blessings of Freedom. Treasure that gift. Say "Thank You" to a Veteran.
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Reply #2 Friday, May 22, 2009 8:26 PM
Dear Dr.JBHL...To whom it may concern,
Live Long and Prosper. In other words......EAT DRINK and BE MERRY.
There are a lot of vets where I'm at. Most do pretty good and some get pissed on. I've seen this first hand unfortunately and it makes me ashamed of what Uncle Sam does to those who put there lives on the line for him. They do all the hard work to keep this country safe and maintain our cherished freedoms and, not all mind you but enough, get royally shafted. Makes one stop and think. Perhaps one day the high muck-a-mucks will get it right and give our boys and girls who wear that uniform the proper respect and support they so richly deserve.
My brother is a Viet Nam veteran. Did eighteen months in country with the USMC. On the front page of the N.Y. Daily News circa 1965 the U.S. Marines hit the shores of DaNang. His picture was right there on the front page. Broke his heart when he came home to a not so warm welcome. Same thing happened to those who came home from Korea. Only time they got the proper recognition was at the end of two world wars and the first mideast war Operation Desert Storm. Those being rotated out now from Iraq are at least being given some respect but.......not as much as they deserve. My two cents.
On a much lighter note....doesn't it seem to you that all those guys over to there know sumpin' we don't. How come they get to do all the good stuff and we get all the after effects. What's up with that??
Reply #3 Friday, May 22, 2009 8:29 PM
10 points...
v's gonna live forever..... 
Reply #4 Friday, May 22, 2009 8:36 PM
If you're gonna give out free medical advice, you're gonna need to start another thread just for me. 
Reply #5 Friday, May 22, 2009 8:43 PM
@ Uvah...sorry for your brother's poor Welcome Home...please thank him for me.
Here's a rare pic of the Doc. I served in the I.D.F.:
And Sam Terrapin rates in my book.Reply #7 Friday, May 22, 2009 8:55 PM
Actually, I feel much better suddenly. I don't know why...
* Note to self : . mwahahahahahahahahaha!
Reply #8 Friday, May 22, 2009 9:17 PM
Ahhh....maybe I'll try my hand at "Bromance: Po' and House". I happen to know you love Doctors, fanboy. bwah hah hah right back.
Reply #10 Friday, May 22, 2009 9:27 PM
Great advise, Doc...and damn...you should know better than to give Po ammunition. 
Reply #17 Friday, May 22, 2009 10:27 PM
Nurse Po' does the twist:
Damn you Smedley! You've melted my computer!
Reply #18 Saturday, May 23, 2009 12:21 AM
"Doctor, doctor... it's my wife, she thinks she's a chicken."
"Hmmmm, and how long has this been going on?"
"Oh, about 5 or 6 years, doc"
"Well why didn't you bring her to me sooner?"
"Dunno, doc, probably cos we're poor and needed the eggs.
Doctor, doctor, my penis is terribly bent
So to save me the touble
Should I try using it double
And instead of coming I'll went?
"Doctor, doctor, I have a thing for eating clay."
"Now surely that's going to clog up the works, I advise you stop that immediately.
"But doc, I've been shitting bricks for months now... another month or two and I'll be able to build my own house.
Hehe, this mightn't be as good medical advice as yours, Doc... but if anyone notices these symptoms they'll have an idea with regard to their options.
Reply #19 Saturday, May 23, 2009 12:52 AM
"Doctor, doctor, I have this very embarrassing problem"
"Yes, and what would that be?"
"Every time I sneeze I fart.... every time I cough I fart."
"Are those the only times?"
"No, every time I hiccup I fart."
"Hmmm, a strange condition indeed. OK, I can give you a decongestant for the sneezing and coughing, and an antacid for the hiccups. That should stop the farting.
"Hey doc, it's just that I have an allergy to tissues and the rash is embarrassing, so is there something you can give me that just stops the coughing and sneezing.
Reply #20 Saturday, May 23, 2009 1:00 AM
Man goes to the doctor with a green ring around his dick and the medico asks him to get undressed so he can examine the offending ring
After a few moment the doctor is shaking his head and announces that there's little he can do other than pain relief
The guy is distraught and says: "But doc, my friend was in here yesterday with a red ring around his and you cured it."
"Yes, that may be so,... but lipstick is one thing, 3rd degree curried cabbage burns are another."
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Reply #1 Friday, May 22, 2009 8:20 PM