Pat and Mick got jobs in a timber mill.   After 3 weeks there Pat cut his hand off,   Mick pick up the hand,  drops it into a plastic bag,   and takes it and Pat to the hospital,   The team in the operating theatre work 16 hours sewing Pat's hand back on.

three weeks later Pat is back playing cards.   Mick said to the surgeon,  "what a great job you did,  and he's back to normal so soon"   the surgeon said "Your friend has a remarkable recovery rate,  the fastest I have ever seen"

Two weeks later Pat cut of his foot,   Mick gets the foot and Pat and off to the hoispital again,  three weeks later Patrick is playng football,  Pat Mick and the Surgeon are interviewed on TV "  Yes,  the Theatre team and I worked hard on this patien't,  but the real accolade is his,   he has a remarkable recovery rate.

A month later Pat cuts off his head,   Same thing,  head in the plastic bag,  down to the hospital.  surgeon sets up the theatre and team.  Mick phones later  "Hello surgeon,  how is Pat"  "Sorry Mick,   Pat is dead"   "you said that because of his rapid recovery rate you could fix it"  "Yes,  but some idiot put his head in a plastic bag and smothered him"

Three bulls heard via the grapevine that the rancher was going to bring yet another bull onto the ranch, and the prospect raised a discussion among them. 

First Bull: "Boys, we all know I've been here 5 years. Once we settled our differences, we agreed on which 100 of the cows would be mine. Now, I don't know where this newcomer is going to get HIS cows, but I aint' givin' him any of mine." 

Second Bull: "That pretty much says it for me, too. I've been here 3 years and have earned my right to the 50 cows we've agreed are mine. I'll fight 'im till I run him off or kill 'im, but I'M KEEPIN' ALL MY COWS." Third Bull: "I've only been here a year, and so far you guys have only let me have 10 cows to "take care of". I may not be as big as you fellows (yet) but I am young and virile, so I'm keeping all MY cows." 

They had just finished their big talk when an eighteen-wheeler pulls up in the middle of the pasture with only ONE ANIMAL IN IT: the biggest Son-of-Another- Bull these guys had ever seen! At 4700 pounds, each step he took toward the ground strained the steel ramp to the breaking point. 

First Bull: "Ahem...You know, it's actually been some time since I really felt I was doing all my cows justice, anyway. I think I can spare a few for our new friend.

" Second Bull: "I'll have plenty of cows to take care of. I'll stay on the opposite end of the pasture from HIM. I'm certainly not looking for an argument." 

They look over at their young friend, the 3rd bull, and find him pawing the dirt, shaking his horns, and snorting. First Bull: "Son, let me give you some advice real quick. Let him have some of your cows and live to tell about it." 

Third Bull: "Hell, he can have ALL my cows. I'm just making sure he knows I'M a bull!"

========================================================================================

1. Cats do what they want.
2. They rarely listen to you.
3. They're totally unpredictable.
4. They whine when they are not happy.
5. When you want to play, they want to be alone.
6. When you want to be alone, they want to play.
7. They expect you to cater to their every whim.
8. They're moody.
9. They leave hair everywhere.
10. They drive you nuts and cost an arm and a leg.

Conclusion: They're tiny women in fur coats.

Sunburn Remedy 


A guy fell asleep on the beach for several hours and got horrible sunburn, specifically to his upper legs. He went to the hospital, and was promptly admitted after being diagnosed with second-degree burns. 

With his skin already starting to blister, and the severe pain he was in, the doctor prescribed continuous intravenous feeding with saline, electrolytes, a sedative, and a Viagra pill every four hours. 

The nurse, who was rather astounded, asked, 'What good will Viagra 
do for him, Doctor'? 

The doctor replied, 'It won't do anything for his condition, but it'll keep the sheets off his legs'

On the subject of bulls: there was an old bull and a young bull at the top of a hill, and the young bull decides that he's in the mood for a bit...

"What d'ya reckon," says the young bull: " to us running on down there to the pasture and getting us a couple of them heifers?"

The old bull is unimpressed with the young bull's exuberance and says: "What say we just mosey on down there real casual like and get into all of 'em?"

As the crowded elevator descended, Mrs. Wilson became increasingly furious with her husband, who was obviously delighted to be pressed tight against a gorgeous blonde. 
As the elevator stopped at the ground floor, the blonde suddenly whirled, slapped Mr. Wilson, and said, "That will teach you to grab!" 
Bewildered, Mr. Wilson was halfway through the lobby when he choked out, "I didn't touch that woman." 
"Of course you didn't," said Mrs. Wilson. "I did!"

Reminds me of when I was out with my first wife looking for baby clothes for my son (now 32)

Hehe... true story from my 'cheeky bugger' days.!

Yeah, there we were looking at baby clothes when this woman in a skimpy top had one of her boobs fall out when she leaned over to take a closer look at something.

Me, being the gentleman and wishing to reduce her embarrassment, quickly pulled her top out and gently popped the offending boob back inside, with a: "There you go... so nobody else sees it."

Yup, I got my face slapped orright... the missus of the day didn't appreciate my handling of the situati.... woman's boob. 

FLIGHT CONVERSATION WITH A KID

A stranger was seated next to a little girl on the airplane when the stranger turned to her and said, 'Let's talk. I've heard that flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger.'

The little girl, who had just opened her book, closed it slowly and said to the stranger, 'What would you like to talk about?'

'Oh, I don't know,' said the stranger. 'How about nuclear power?' and he smiles.

'OK, ' she said. 'That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff- grass. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?'

The stranger, visibly surprised by the little girl's intelligence, thinks about it and says, 'Hmmm, I have no idea.'

To which the little girl replies, 'Do you really feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don't know shit?

lmao

You could adjust that and put it at the top of the forum page.....

'Do you really feel qualified to discuss skinning  (or software, websites, moderation, rating, artistic ability, etc,)  when you don't know shit?'

Maybe it would make some folks stop and think before they post.

Yeah, I do....I work for the Government. 

Hey, Ed...here ya go!

Thanks Doc, I finally found my place in life.

One evening a Husband, thinking he was being funny, said to his wife, 'Perhaps we should start washing your clothes in 'Slim Fast'.. Maybe it would take a few inches off of your butt! '

His wife was not amused, and decided that she simply couldn't let such a comment go unrewarded.

The next morning the husband took a pair of underwear out of his drawer. 'What the Hell is this?' h e said to himself as a little 'dust' cloud appeared when he shook them out.

'April', he hollered into the bathroom, 'Why did you put Talcum Powder in my underwear?'

She replied, 'It's not talcum powder; it's Miracle Grow'

Nope...MY place...and coz I likes ya, you be invited!

Can I have a can of that?

Being a huge Elvis fan , a pretty, young woman strolled into a tattoo parlor and announced that she wanted a picture of Elvis tattooed on her thigh. The artist asked her to sit and proceeded to comply with the request.

Upon completion, she looked down at the new tattoo and exclaimed, ''That doesn't look a thing like Elvis!'' She then stormed out of the room.

Down the street, she spied another tattoo parlor and walked in with the same request, on her other thigh.
The artist there got the same response, ''that doesn't look a thing like Elvis either!'' ...and she strormed out of that parlor as well.

Lying along side the sidewalk was an old drunk still bleary-eyed from the night before's consumption. She walked over to him prodding him with her foot.
''Does this look a thing like Elvis to you?'' she demanded, hiking her skirt.
The old drunk stared a moment and said, ''Lady, I ain't gotta clue about the twins there, but the fellow in the middle is a dead ringer for Willie Nelson.''

So glad this is still going. I need the laughs. Just had ANOTHER nerve block Wednesday. They are taking longer to recover from because they are going into nerves in both legs now, as well as my back. It's the second time I almost passed out when I got off the table and had to sit in recovery longer than the last. They also started me on Neurontin.  This yo-yo keeps sayin' I am too young for the surgery. I say 'Give it to me now, you fucknut so I can enjoy the results. What fucking good will it do when I am in my 60's and can't enjoy it?! I mean, come on!"

Okay...I didn't actually 'say that' but I thought it. I thought it a lot. And very loudly in my head as he juiced my back up with that shit again. He cracks me up. When I grab the table and moan or grunt he always asks 'I'm not bothering you, am I?'  "No. No, sir. Between the huge sting of the numbing medicine and the pressure of the needle for the injection that  manages to give me severe cramps from my freakin nuts to my toes, YOU are not BOTHERING me at all. In fact, may I say, 'Thank you sir, may I have another!'

So....uh....how 'bout those *insert sports team here* ?

double post

I'm not much on jokes but...this one was told to me when I was about knee high to nuthin'. Here goes...

     There was this guy who had a dog. A rather large dog. A great dane in fact. His contention...his dog for all his great size was the fastest animal ever. His neighbor being the skeptic said to him..."No way Fred".

     The man said..."Care to put a bit of a wager on it?" To which his neighbor said..."Okay". So they did.

     His neighbor's car, a big black caddy circa 1959 with it's oversize big block 495 cid sat at the starting line while junior, the great dane sat beside it licking his nether regions.

   "On your mark" said Fred. The dog stood up his ears pricked forward. The guy in the caddy revved his engine. It coughed.

     "Get ready". The engine roared. The dog wagged his tail.

     "Get set". The dog barked and the caddy smoked.

     "GO!" The caddy peeled off in a cloud of dust and smoke...zooom! The dog loped after it easily keeping up at thirty mph. "More gas" he said and gave it some. The dog was still there happily trotting along without a care in the world.

     Even more he gave it. They were at forty mph now and the dog was still right at his side. At fifty...at sixty mph and still the dog was keeping up. Hardly breathing heavy at all. Seventy miles an hour...eighty. Dog's still there.

    Then he floored the pedal and the caddy screamed! The great dane was keeping pace even though he had buried the needle on the speedometer. As he neared the finish line Fred jammed on the brakes and came to a screeching halt and there was the dog sitting right beside his car licking his nether region.

     He looked down at the dog then up to his friend and said..."There was no collar on him when this race started". Referring to the red ring around the dog's neck.

     "It isn't his collar you numbnut. That's his butthole...you stopped too damn fast". Whaddya think?        

A guy walks into a bar. He sidles up and orders a beer. As he waits, he pulls a turtle out of his jacket. It's  a medium sized box turtle. It's also all banged up, with bandages and spackle across it's shell. The bartender looks at it.

"What's wrong with it?"

"Nothin'" the fella replies. "It's a racing turtle. Those are just a few minor injuries. He's very fast."

The bartender laughs. "He can't be that fast."

"Oh," the fella says, 'he's very, very fast."

Another person at the bar over hears the conversation and walks over. "I have a whippet in my car that can beat your turtle."

The fella sips his beer. "A whippet, huh. That's one of those little greyhound dogs, right?"

"He can whip your turtles sorry ass, pal."

The fella sips his beer again. "How much?"

The gentleman replies "I got $500 that says your turtle is gonna lose."

The fella agrees and the gentlemen leaves to get his whippet. By the time he returns, everyone in the bar is placing bets. All on the whippet. When the gentlemen returns with the whippet, the bets increase. The fella takes his turtle to the far end of the bar, followed by the gentlemen and his whippet. They agree the animals will race to the wall by the door coming in. The gentlemen asks if the fella wants to reconsider. "Hell no!" he replies. "I've got a fortune riding on this. I'm gonna leave here a rich man."

Everyone in the bar struggles not to laugh as they look from the whippet to the busted up turtle in the fella's hand. They agree to let the brtender be the starter. The bartender holds up a bar napkin and counts down from five.

"5...4...3...2..." ON one he drops the napkin. The gentlemen releases his whippet. The whippet takes off like a bolt of lightning for the other end of the bar.

The fella raises his turtle in the air, brings his arm back, and with all his might throws the turtle. It flies over the whippets head and hits the wall on the far end of the bar with a loud thump and a crack.

The fella looks at the gentlemen. "Told ya he was fast."

Ouch