I have a friend that's so dumb......."HOW DUMB IS HE"......he's so dumb, he thinks a 'Graphic Artist' is the guy who draws the white line around the dead bodies...............Ba dum bum!

In Pharmacology, all drugs have two names, a trade name and generic name. For example, the trade name of Tylenol also has a generic name of Acetaminophen. Aleve is also called Naproxen. Amoxil is also call Amoxicillin and Advil is also called Ibuprofen.

The FDA has been looking for a generic name for Viagra. After careful consideration by a team of government experts, it recently announced that it has settled on the generic name of Mycoxafloppin. Also considered were Mycoxafailin, Mydixadrupin, Mydixarizin, Dixafix, and of course, Ibepokin.

Pfizer Corp. announced today that Viagra will soon be available in liquid form, and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola as a power beverage suitable for use as a mixer. It will now be possible for a man to literally pour himself a stiff one. Obviously we can no longer call this a soft drink, and it gives new meaning to the names of 'cocktails', 'highballs' and just a good old-fashioned 'stiff drink'. Pepsi will market the new concoction by the name of: MOUNT & DO.

Thought for the day: There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer's research. This means that by 2040, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.  

Every guy knows about those 'special days'....here's a practical safety guide:

DANGEROUS: What's for dinner?
SAFER: Can I help you with dinner?
SAFEST: Where would you like to go for dinner?
ULTRA SAFE: Have some chocolate.

DANGEROUS: Are you wearing that?
SAFER: Wow, you look good in brown.
SAFEST: WOW! Look at you!
ULTRA SAFE: Have some chocolate.

DANGEROUS: What are you so worked up about?
SAFER: Could we be overreacting?
SAFEST: Here's my paycheck.
ULTRA SAFE: Have some chocolate.

DANGEROUS: Should you be eating that?
SAFER: You know, there are a lot of apples left.
SAFEST: Can I get you a glass of wine with that?
ULTRA SAFE: Have some chocolate.

DANGEROUS: What did you do all day?
SAFER: I hope you didn't over-do it today.
SAFEST: I've always loved you in that robe!
ULTRA SAFE: Have some more chocolate.

After his exam the doctor said to the elderly man: 'You appear to be in good health. Do you have any medical concerns you would like to ask me about?' 

"In fact, I do" said the old man. "After I have sex I am usually cold and chilly, and then, after I have sex with her the second time, I am usually hot and sweaty." 
 
After examining his elderly wife, the doctor said: "Everything appears to be fine. Do you have any medical 
concerns that you would like to discuss with me?'"

The lady replied that she had no questions or concerns. 

The doctor then said to her: "Your husband had an unusual concern. He claims that he is usually cold and
chilly after having sex with you the first time, and then hot and sweaty after the second time. Do you know why?' 

"Oh that crazy old fart", she replied.

"That's because the first time is usually in January and the second time is in August."

Due  to the climate of political correctness now pervading 
> America  ,  
> 
> Kentuckians,  Tennesseans and West  Virginians will no
> longer be referred to  
> as'HILLBILLIES.'   
> 
> You  must now refer to them as  
> 
> APPALACHIAN-AMERICANS .   
> And  furthermore  
> 
> HOW  TO SPEAK ABOUT WOMEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:   
> 
> 1.  She is not a 'BABE' or a 'CHICK' - She
> is a
> ' BREASTED  AMERICAN.'   
> 
> 2.  She is not 'EASY' - She is  
> 
> 'HORIZONTALLY  ACCESSIBLE.'   
> 
> 3.  She is not a 'DUMB BLONDE' - She is a   
> 
> 'LIGHT-HAIRED  DETOUR OFF THE INFORMATION
> SUPERHIGHWAY.'   
> 
> 4.  She has not 'BEEN AROUND' - She is a   
> 
> 'PREVIOUSLY-ENJOYED  COMPANION.'   
> 
> 5.  She does not 'NAG' you - She becomes   
> 
> ' VERBALLY  REPETITIVE.'   
> 
> 6.  She is not a 'TWO-BIT HOOKER' - She is a   
> 
> ' LOW  COST PROVIDER.'   
> 
> HOW  TO SPEAK ABOUT MEN AND  BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:  
> 
> 1.  He does not have a 'BEER GUT' - He has
> developed  a   
> 'LIQUID  GRAIN STORAGE FACILITY.'   
> 
> 2.  He is not a 'BAD DANCER' - He is   
> 
> ' OVERLY  CAUCASIAN.'   
> 
> 3.  He does not 'GET LOST ALL THE TIME' -  He   
> ' INVESTIGATES  ALTERNATIVE DESTINATIONS.'   
> 
> 4.  He is not 'BALDING' - He is in   
> 'FOLLICLE  REGRESSION.'   
> 
> 5.  He does not act like a 'TOTAL  ASS' - He
> develops a case  of   
> RECTAL-CRANIAL  INVERSION.'   
> (Loved  this one!)   
> 
> 6.  It's not his 'CRACK' you  see hanging out
> of his pants - It's   
> 'REAR  CLEAVAGE.'   

When i open my eyes every morning i pray to God that everyone should have a friend like you.... Why should only i suffer!!!
One day Santas Girlfriend asks him, Darling, om our Engagement will you give me a RING?Santa:Ya sure, Give me ur Telephone No.

When I was born Devil said...Oh Shit!!! Another GOD!!!..& When u were born devil said ...Oh Shit!!!!Competition...!!! ....

Fill in the blank...Im ur .....friend- 1)-Cute 2)-Sweet 3)-Best of all Reply is a must...

Do U know the fullform of COLLEGE- C-Come,O-On,L-Lets, L-Love, E-Each,G-Girl,E-Equally......Thats why boys go to college regularly....

Who said english is easy???Fill in the blank with YES or No... 1.-----I dont have brain... 2.-----I dont have sence... 3.-----I am stupid....

If ur world is spining Round & Round..& Round....Ur heart is beating fast ,do u think its LOVE? no kid no its called high B/P...

Merry Christmas, Enjoy New Year, Happy Easter, Good luck on Valentines, Spooky Halloween & Happy Birthday Now bug off and don't annoy me for the next 12 months!!!!

what happend 2 ur mobile? i was trying 2 call u but i got this msg: welcome 2 D jungle network,D monkey u r tring 2 call is on tree plz try later.

First the engagement ring, then the wedding ring, then the suffering

Last night I lay in my bed looking at the beautiful stars, the moon and the sky...then i thought where is my roof

If your a Vegetarian to be nice to animals, why are you eating there food

I'm a killer, i kill people for money, but you are my friend I KILL YOU FOR FREE!!!!!!

"When a man steals your wife there is no better revenge than to let him keep her." Sacha Guitry.

"There is one thing I would break up over and that is if she caught me with another woman. I wouldn't stand for that." Steve Martin.

"Behind every successful man is a woman, behind her is his wife." Groucho Marx

"In married life three is company and two none." Oscar Wilde

"It was a perfect marriage. She didn't want to and he couldn't." Spike Milligan

"My advice to you is get married: if you find a good wife you'll be happy; if not, you'll become a philosopher." Socrates.

"The General was essentially a man of peace, except of course in his domestic affairs." Oscar Wilde

"Love is temporary insanity curable by marriage." Ambrose Bierce

"I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury." Groucho Marx

"My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then she stops to breathe." Jimmy Durante.

"Alimony is like buying hay for a dead horse." Groucho Marx

"Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays." Henry Youngman.

"If we take matrimony at it's lowest, we regard it as a sort of friendship recognised by the police." Robert Louis Stevenson.

"If love is the answer, could you rephrase the question?" Lilly Tomlin.

"Do you know what it means to come home at night to a woman who'll give you a little love, a little affection, a little tenderness? It means you're in the wrong house, that's what it means." George Burns.

"Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same." Oscar Wilde

"My computer dating bureau came up with a perfect gentleman. Still, I've got another three goes." Sally Poplin.

"Mom & Pop were just a couple of kids when they got married. He was eighteen, she was sixteen and I was three." Billie Holiday.

"Marriage is the alliance of two people, one of whom never remembers birthdays and the other who never forgets them." Ogden Nash.

"Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close knit family in another city." George Burns.

"I haven't spoken to my wife in years. I didn't want to interrupt her." Rodney Dangerfield.

"Marriage is like putting your hand into a bag of snakes in the hope of pulling out an eel." Leonardo Di Vinci.

"I'm the only man in the world with a marriage licence made out to whom it may concern." Mickey Rooney.

"A married man should forget his mistakes; no use two people remembering the same thing." Duane Dewel.

"The secret of a successful marriage is not to be at home too much." Colin Chapman.

"In my house I'm the boss, my wife is just the decision maker." Woody Allen

"I've had bad luck with both my wives. The first one left me and the second one didn't." Patrick Murray.

"I wouldn't be caught dead marrying a woman old enough to be my wife." Tony Curtis.

"A woman voting for divorce is like a turkey voting for Christmas." Alice Glynn.

"The appropriate age for marriage is around eighteen for girls and thirty-seven for men." Aristotle.

Doc's Questions and Answers Health Column:

Since you rely on me for your "care" Smedley, learn the following as the bill comes at the end of the month. Listening to that Sanjay Gupta guy is all well and good...but this here is the straight "dope" so to speak:

Q: I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life; is this true?

A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it... Don't waste them on exercise . Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that's like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.
________________________________________



Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?

A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables . So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable products.
________________________________________



Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?

A: No, not at all. Wine is made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine, that means they take the water out of the fruity bit so you get even more of the goodness that way. Beer is also made out of grain. Bottoms up!
________________________________________



Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?

A: Well, if you have a body and you have fat, your ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.
________________________________________



Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?

A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain...Good!
________________________________________



Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?

A: You're not listening....Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. In fact, they're permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you?
________________________________________



Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?

A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.
________________________________________



Q: Is chocolate bad for me?

A: Are you crazy? HELLO Cocoa beans! Another vegetable. It's the best feel-good food around!!
________________________________________



Q: Is swimming good for your figure?

A: If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to me.
________________________________________



Q: Is getting in-shape important for my lifestyle?

A: Hey! 'Round' is a shape! !
________________________________________


Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets.

And remember:
"Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways - Chardonnay in one hand - chocolate in the other - body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming, "WOO HOO, What a Ride!"

whats the hardest thing about being the incredible hulk?

trying to get oral sex with a green dick!!!

2008 Phrases You Needed To Know

* SALAD DODGER.
An excellent phrase for an overweight person.


* SWAMP-DONKEY
A deeply unattractive person.


* TESTICULATING.
Waving your arms around and talking bollocks.


* BLAMESTORMING.
Sitting round in a group, discussing why a deadline was missed or a project failed, and who was responsible.


* SEAGULL MANAGER.
A manager who flies in, makes a lot of noise, craps on everything, and then leaves.


* ASSMOSIS.
The process by which people seem to absorb success and advancement by sucking up to the boss rather than working hard.


* SALMON DAY.
The experience of spending an entire day swimming upstream only to get
screwed and die.


* CUBE FARM.
An office filled with cubicles.


* PRAIRIE DOGGING.
When someone yells or drops something loudly in a cube farm, and people's heads pop up over the walls to see what's going on. (This also applies to applause for a promotion because there may be cake.)


* SITCOMs.
Single Income, Two Children, Oppressive Mortgage. What yuppies turn into when they have children and one of them stops working to stay home with the kids or start a "home business".


* SINBAD.
Single working girls. Single income, no boyfriend and desperate.


* AEROPLANE BLONDE.
One who has bleached/dyed her hair but still has a 'black box'.


* PERCUSSIVE MAINTENANCE.
The fine art of whacking the crap out of an electronic device to get it to work again.


* ADMINISPHERE.
The rarefied organisational layers beginning just above the rank and file. Decisions that fall from the "adminisphere" are often profoundly inappropriate or irrelevant to the problems they were designed to solve. This is often affiliated with the dreaded "administrivia" ? needless paperwork and processes.


* GOING FOR A McSHIT.
Entering a fast food restaurant with no intention of buying food, you're just going to the bog. If challenged by a pimply staff member, your declaration to them that you'll buy their food afterwards is known as a McShit with Lies.


* 404.
Someone who's clueless. From the World Wide Web error message "404 Not Found" meaning that the requested document could not be located.

* AUSSIE KISS.
Similar to a French Kiss, but given down under.


* OH - NO SECOND.
That minuscule fraction of time in which you realize that you've just me a BIG mistake (e.g. you've hit 'reply all').


* GREYHOUND.
A very short skirt, only an inch from the hare.


* JOHNNY-NO-STARS.
A young man of substandard intelligence, the typical adolescent who works in a burger restaurant. The 'no-stars' comes from the badges displaying stars that staff at fast-food restaurants often wear to show their level of training.


* MILLENNIUM DOMES.
The contents of a Wonderbra, i.e. extremely impressive when viewed from the outside, but there's actually naught in there worth seeing.


* MONKEY BATH .
A bath so hot, that when lowering yourself in, you go: "Oo! Oo! Oo! Aa! Aa! Aa!".


* MYSTERY BUS.
The bus that arrives at the pub on Friday night while you're in the toilet after your 10th pint, and whisks away all the unattractive people so the pub is suddenly packed with stunners when you come back in.


* MYSTERY TAXI.
The taxi that arrives at your place on Saturday morning before you wake up, whisks away the stunner you slept with, and leaves a 10 Pinter in your bed instead.


* BEER COAT.
The invisible but warm coat worn when walking home after a booze cruise at 3:00am.


* BEER COMPASS.
The invisible device that ensures your safe arrival home after booze cruise, even though you're too drunk to remember where you live, how you got here, and where you've come from.


* BREAKING THE SEAL.
Your first pee in the pub, usually after 2 hours of drinking. After breaking the seal of your bladder, repeat visits to the toilet will be required every 10 or 15 minutes for the rest of the night.


* TART FUEL.
Bottled premixed spirits, regularly consumed by young women.


* PICASSO BUM.
A woman whose knickers are too small for her, so she looks like she's got 4 buttocks.

Top 10 Best Out-Of-Office Email Replies

1. I am currently out at a job interview and will reply to you if I fail to get the position. Be prepared for my mood.


2. You are receiving this automatic notification because I am out of the office. If I were in, chances are you wouldn't have received anything at all.


3. Sorry to have missed you, but I am at the doctor's having my brain and heart removed so I can be promoted to our management team.


4. I will be unable to delete all the unread, worthless emails you send me until I return from vacation. Please be patient, and your mail will be deleted in the order it was received.


5. Thank you for your email. Your credit card has been charged $5.99 for the first 10 words and $1.99 for each additional word in your message.


6. The e-mail server is unable to verify your server connection and is unable to deliver this message. Please restart your computer and try sending again. (The beauty of this is that when you return, you can see how many in-duh-viduals did this over and over.)


7. Thank you for your message, which has been added to a queuing system. You are currently in 352nd place, and can expect to receive a reply in approximately 19 weeks.


8. Hi, I'm thinking about what you've just sent me. Please wait by your PC for my response.


9. I've run away to join a different circus.


10. I will be out of the office for the next 2 weeks for medical reasons. When I return, please refer to me as 'Lucille' instead of Steve.

What musical chord do you hear when a huge rock falls down a mineshaft?

>

>

>

>

wait for it...

>

>

>

A flat miner

While I'm here.... Skinhit is better looking than you, Po` 

Now that oughta keep you laughing 'til the cows come home... if you have any

>

>

>

>

If not, you're gonna be laughing for a very long time.

Here's a bit of fun for you Po: http://www.bbc.co.uk/science/humanbody/sleep/sheep/reaction_version5.swf

Fun game. I scored "Rabies infected bat".

*note to self...move Starkers further up the List

A lady goes to her priest one day and tells him, 'Father, I have a problem.


I have two female parrots,


But they only know how to say one thing.'

'What do they say?' the priest inquired.

They say,

'Hi, we're hookers!

Do you want to have some fun?'

That's obscene!' the priest exclaimed,

Then he thought for a moment.
'You know,' he said,

'I may have a solution to your problem.

I have two male talking parrots,

Which I have taught to pray and read the Bible.

Bring your two parrots over to my house,

And we'll put them in the cage with Francis and Peter.

My parrots can teach your parrots to praise and worship,

And your parrots are sure to stop saying . .

That phrase . . In no time.'

Thank you,' the woman responded,
'this may very well be the solution.'


The next day,

She brought her female parrots to the priest's house.

As he ushered her in,

She saw that his two male parrots
Were inside their cage holding rosary beads and praying.

Impressed,
She walked over and placed her parrots in with them.

After a few minutes,

The female parrots cried out in unison:

Hi, we're hookers!

Do you want to have some fun?'

There was stunned silence..

Shocked,

One male parrot looked over at the other male parrot

And exclaimed,

'Put the beads away, Frank.

Our prayers have been answered!'

lmao

That's gonna be my new line. That was freakin funny!

Now why am I surprised?

Oh that's right... I thought that I was already well up 'the list'.... if not already at the top.

It's great to see you, Po`