Po, I'm gonna take it again just for another hearty laugh

Ahhh......How I do miss the South. 

(psssst....your wife see that yet, Po'?.......Po'?..........................................Po'?!?!?!?)

MY PRIVATE PART DIED

 An old man, Mr. Wallace, was living in a nursing home. One day he appeared to be very sad and depressed. Nurse Tracy asked him if there was anything wrong. "Yes, Nurse Tracy," said Mr. Wallace. "My Private Part died today, and I am very sad."  

 Knowing her patients were a little forgetful and sometimes a little crazy, she replied, "Oh, I'm so sorry, Mr. Wallace. Please accept my condolences."

 The following day, Mr. Wallace was walking down the hall with his Private Part hanging out of his pajamas. He met Nurse Tracy. "Mr. Wallace," she said, "you shouldn't be walking down the hall like that. Please put your Private Part back inside your pajamas."

"But, Nurse Tracy I can't," replied Mr. Wallace. "I told you yesterday that my Private Part died."


"Yes," said Nurse Tracy, "you did tell me that, but why is it hanging out of your pajamas?"
 

"Well," he replied, "Today is the viewing."

lol Good one!!!

A guy walks into a bar with an enormous frog on his head and asks for a beer.  The barkeep serves him and goes on about his business for a while, but can't contain his curiosity and asks: "Look, bud, I couldn't help but notice you have a frog on your head and I'm curious as to how it got there?"

There was a few moments silence and then the frog relies: "To cut a long story short, it started as a wart on my ass."

  lol nice one starkers

Hey Po now I don't want ya to burst a vessel, but I have come up with away that you can strech  your nemisis too extreme

Crikey!!! that's stretching thing's a bit

I can't get these liquify pics to upload Shuanna.  Have you had trouble and how did you fix?

i use imageshack     look at reply 135 this is how ,Taislgirl told me to do it and so far I have not had any trouble with it

Only in America .....

do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their

prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.

Only in America .....

do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries, and a diet coke.

Only in America .....

do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.

Only in America .....

do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.

Only in America ......

do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.

Only in America .....

do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering.

EVER WONDER ...

Why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our skin?

Why women can't put on mascara with their mouth closed?

Why don't you ever see the headline 'Psychic Wins Lottery'?

Why is 'abbreviated' such a long word?

Why is it that doctors call what they do 'practice'?

Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?

Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?

Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?

Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?

Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?

Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?

You know that indestructible black box that is used on airplanes?

Why don't they make the whole plane out of that stuff?!

Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?

Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?

If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?

If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?

I hooked up my accelerator pedal in my car to my brake lights. I hit the gas, people behind me stop, and I'm gone.

I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights, so it looks like I'm the only one moving.

I play the harmonica. The only way I can play is if I get my car going really fast, and stick it out the window.

I put a new engine in my car, but forgot to take the old one out. Now my car goes 500 miles per hour. The harmonica sounds amazing.

I watched the Indy 500, and I was thinking that if they left earlier they wouldn't have to go so fast.

I had to stop driving my car for a while . . . the tires got dizzy.

My neighbor has a circular driveway . . . he can't get out.

I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn't park anywhere near the place.

I have an answering machine in my car. It says, "I'm home now, but leave a message and I'll call when I'm out."

Last year we drove across the country. We switched on the driving . . . every half mile. We had one cassette tape to listen to on the entire trip . . . I don't remember what it was.

I saw a sign: "Rest Area 25 Miles." That's pretty big. Some people must be really tired.

A cop stopped me for speeding. He said, "Why were you going so fast?" I said, "See this thing my foot is on? It's called an accelerator. When you push down on it, it sends more gas to the engine. The whole car just takes right off. And see this thing? This steers it."

I was going 70 miles an hour and got stopped by a cop who said, "Do you know the speed limit is 55 miles per hour?" "Yes, officer, but I wasn't going to be out that long . . . "

One time a cop pulled me over for running a stop sign. He said, "Didn't you see the stop sign?" I said, "Yeah, but I don't believe everything I read."

I got my driver's license photo taken out of focus on purpose. Now when I get pulled over, the cop looks at it [moves it nearer and farther, trying to see it clearly] and says, "Here, you can go."

The judge asked, "What do you plead?" I said, "Insanity, your honour, who in their right mind would park in the passing lane?"

When I get real bored, I like to drive downtown and get a great parking spot, then sit in my car and count how many people ask me if I'm leaving.

Yesterday I parked my car in a tow-away zone. When I came back the entire area was missing.

Why do Walruses go to Tupperware parties?

To find a tight Seal.

Interspecies breeding........you should be ashamed.

I should be...but I'm not.

What's the difference between a lawyer and a terrorist?

Terrorists have sympathizers.

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Two tigers were walking, single-file, through the jungle. The second moved up behind the first and suddenly licked the first one's ass. The first one, startled, turned around and said, "Hey!" They went a little farther, and the second tiger licked the first one's ass once more. This time, the first one was pissed and he hauled off and batted the second, saying, "Now, knock it off!" Well, they hadn't gone too far, when the second tiger couldn't resist any longer. He went up and gave the first tiger's ass a giant slurp. The first tiger spun around and decked him. "What's wrong with you?!" The other tiger said, "Really sorry, but I just ate a lawyer, and I was trying to get the taste out of my mouth!"

Yesterday I was buying 2 large bags of Purina dog chow at Wal-Mart, for my dogs Winston, Chief, Gus, and Maximus. I was about to check out when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog. What did she think, that I had an elephant? 
 
Since I had little else to do, on impulse, I told her that no, I didn’t have a dog, and that I was starting the Purina Diet again, although I probably shouldn't because I ended up in the hospital last time. On the bright
side though, I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of every hole in my body and IVs in both  arms. 

 
I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way  that it works is to load your pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one  or two every time you feel hungry and that the food is nutritionally  complete so I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in the line was enthralled with my story by now.)  
 
Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food  had poisoned me. I told her no; I had stopped in the middle of the parking  lot to lick my butt and a car hit me.  
 

I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack, he was laughing so hard!  
 
WAL-MART won't let me shop there anymore.

 Brilliant, DP!!!!

I got a teenage daughter and a menopausal wife. One's getting breasts, one's getting whiskers. My life is over.

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My uncle is in a coma - he's living the dream.

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I got a fortune cookie today. It said I should invest in something fun on four wheels. I don't know if that meant I should get a new car, or a prostitute on one roller skate.

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Gasoline prices are highest in Hawaii, closing in on $4 a gallon. President Bush said, "See, I told you it wasn't only in our country!"

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I just got engaged. My fiancee won't take my name because "Lisa Levin" sounds awful. So she's just going to remain Lisa Hitler. I understand - it's a family name.

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A couple is married for 47 years and the woman dies. At the funeral, the pallbearers swing the coffin, which hits a wall. From inside the coffin, the woman yells, "Oh, my God!" She lived another four years. She dies again. The pallbearers are swinging the coffin. The husband yells, "Watch out for the wall!"

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