Recently a "Husband Super Store" opened where women could go to choose a husband from among many men. It was laid out in five floors.

The only rule was, once you opened the door to any floor, you HAD to choose a man from that floor; if you went up a floor, you couldn't go back down except to leave the place, never to return. A couple of girlfriends went to the shopping center to find some husbands...

First floor
The door had a sign saying, "These men have jobs and love kids." The women read the sign and said, "Well, that's better than not having a job or not loving kids, but I wonder what's further up?" So up they went.

Second floor
The sign read, "These men have high paying jobs, love kids, and are extremely good looking." "Hmmm," said the ladies, "But, I wonder what's further up?"

Third floor
This sign read, "These men have high paying jobs, are extremely good looking, love kids and help with the housework."
"Wow," said the women, "Very tempting." But there was another floor, so further up they went.

Fourth floor
This door had a sign saying "These men have high paying jobs, love kids, are extremely good looking, help with the housework and have a strong romantic streak."
"Oh, mercy me," they cried, "Just think what must be awaiting us further on! So up to the fifth floor they went.

Fifth floor
The sign on that door said, "This floor is empty and exists only to prove that women are impossible to please. The exit is to your left."

I didn't say it. I'm innocent I tell ya. Cause if I did I'd be lookin' over my shoulder wondering where the rolling pin is coming from. He he

They include: 
  
  
Bobby Darin ---
Splish, Splash, I Was Havin' A Flash

Ringo Starr ---
I Get By With A Little Help From Depends

The Bee Gees -- -
How Can You Mend A Broken Hip?

Roberta Flack---
The First Time Ever I Forgot Your Face

Johnny Nash ---
I Can't See Clearly Now.?

Paul Simon---
Fifty Ways To Lose Your Liver

The Commodores ---
Once, Twice, Three Times To The Bathroom

Procol Harem---
A Whiter Shade Of Hair?

Leo Sayer --- 

You Make Me Feel Like Napping

The Temptations --- 

Papa's Got A Kidney Stone

Abba---
Denture Queen 
"You haven't seen my teeth have you Wilma?

Tony Orlando ---
Knock 3 Times On The Ceiling If You Hear Me Fall

Helen Reddy ---
I Am Woman, Hear Me Snore

Leslie Gore---
It's My Procedure, and I'll Cry If I Want To

And Last but NOT least...

Willie Nelson ---
On the Commode Again

ROFLMAO!!

This may or may not qualify but I thought it funny anyway.

Google is set to release Android 4.0 codenamed Ice Cream Sandwich. So I clicked on it and this is what I got. The Brand spanking new melt in your hand portable telephone.

http://images.search.yahoo.com/search/images;_ylt=A2KJ3CS4moVOIVcAjzXQtDMD?p=Ice+Cream+Sandwich&fr2=piv-news

  that could be a sticky mess

A Russian and an American wrestler were set to square off for the Olympic Gold Medal.

Before the final match, the American wrestler's trainer came to him and said, "now, don't forget all the research we've done on this Russian. He's never lost a match because of this 'Pretzel' hold he has, whatever you do don't let him get you in this hold! If he does, you're finished!" The wrestler nodded in acknowledgment.

As the match started, the American and the Russian circled each other several times, looking for an opening. All of a sudden, the Russian lunged forward, grabbing the American and wrapping him up in the dreaded pretzel hold. A sigh of disappointment arose from the crowd and the trainer buried his face in his hands, for he knew all was lost. He couldn't watch the inevitable happen.

Suddenly, there was a scream, then a cheer from the crowd and the trainer raised his eyes just in time to watch the Russian go flying up in the air. His back hit the mat with a thud and the American collapsed on top of him making the pin and winning the match. The trainer was astounded.

When he finally got the American wrestler alone, he asked, "how did you ever get out of that hold? No one has ever done it before!" The wrestler answered,"well, I was ready to give up when he got me in that hold but at the last moment, I opened my eyes and saw this pair of testicles right in front of my face. I had nothing to lose so with my last ounce of strength I stretched out my neck and bit those babies just as hard as I could." "So, the trainer exclaimed, 'that is what finished him off?!"

The wrestler responded, "Not really. You'd be amazed how strong you get when you bite your own balls.

oops!!!    Good one Doc!!!

  I mean OUCH!!!

So... she was like screaming, "Give it to me! Give it to me NOW! I'm so effing wet!"

And I'm like, screw that. I'm keeping the umbrella!

A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband was not in their bed.
She puts on her robe and goes down stairs to look for him. She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of
coffee in front him. He appears deep in thought, just staring at the wall. She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of coffee.
"What's the matter, dear?" she whispers as she steps into the room. "Why are you down here at this time of night?"
The husband looks up, "Do you remember 20 years ago when we were dating, and you were only 17?"
he asks solemnly. The wife is touched thinking her
husband is so caring and sensitive. "Yes, I do," she replies.
The husband pauses. The words are not coming easily. "Do you remember when you father caught us in the back seat of my car?"
"Yes, I remember," says the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside
him. The husband continues..."Do you remember when he shoved a
shotgun in my face and said, "Either you marry my
daughter, or I will send you to jail for 20 years".
"I remember that too", she replies softly.
He wipes another tear from his cheek and says... "I would have gotten out today!

*********************************************************************

[CLASSICS]

Agnes married and had 13 children. When her husband died, she married again and had 7 more children. Again, her husband died. So Agnes remarried and this time had 5 more children. Alas, she finally died.
Standing before her coffin, the preacher prayed for her. He thanked the Lord for this very loving woman and said, “Lord, they’re finally together.”
One mourner leaned over and quietly asked her friend, “Do you think he means her first, second or third husband?” The friend replied, “I think he means her legs.”

*************************************************************************************************

A girl brings a guy home one night. They get into her apartment and immediately she suggests that they do "69". "What the hell is that?" asks the guy. Realizing he's inexperienced, she tries to explain, "I put my head between your legs and you put your head between mine." Still not knowing what she's talking about, but not wanting to ruin the moment he agrees to try it. The second they get in to the position, she lets go a RIP-ROARING fart. "What was that for?" he asks. "Oooopppps! Sorry, lets try it again." she says. So, they get into position again, and once more she lets one loose. The guy gets up and starts to put his coat on. "Wait, where are you going?" she asks. The guy says, " If you think I'm sticking around for 67 more of those, you're crazy !!!!!

Rip roarin' good time!

For all those WC'ers interested in health related questions - 

Q: Doctor, I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true?

A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it...don't waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that’s like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer?  Take a nap.

Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?

A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these?  Vegetables. So a steaks nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken.

Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100%of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable products.

Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?

A: No, not at all. Wine is made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine, that means they take the water out of the fruity bit so you get even more of the goodness that way. Beer is also made out of grain. Bottoms up!

Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?

A: Well, if you have a body and you have fat, your ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.

Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?

A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain...Good!

Q: Aren’t fried foods bad for you?

A: YOU'RE NOT LISTENING!!! .... .  Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. In fact, they're drenched in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you?

Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?

A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.

Q: Is chocolate bad for me?

A: Are you crazy?  HELLO Cocoa beans! Another vegetable!!!It's the best feel-good food around!

Q: Is swimming good for your figure?

A: If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to me.

Q: Is getting in-shape important for my lifestyle?

A: Hey! 'Round' is a shape!

Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets.

And remember: ‘Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways -Savvy in one hand - chocolate in the other - body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming 'WOO HOO, What a Ride'

AND...

For those of you who watch what you eat, here's the final word on nutrition and health. It's a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting nutritional studies.

1. The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

3.  The Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

4. The Italians and French drink a lot of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

5. The Germans drink a lot of beers and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

CONCLUSION

Eat and drink what you like. Being American is apparently what kills you.

Boy...I'm glad I'm from Brooklyn.

officer. She says she's going to Europe on business for two weeks and Needs to borrow $5,000.

The bank officer says the bank will need some kind of security for the loan, so the blonde hands over the keys to a new Mercedes Benz.

The car is parked on the street in front of the bank, she has the title and everything checks out. The bank agrees to accept the car collateral for the loan.

The bank's president and its officers all enjoy a good laugh at the blond for using a $110,000 Benz as collateral against a $5,000 loan.

An employee of the bank then proceeds to drive the Benz into the bank's underground garage and parks it there. Two weeks later, the blonde returns, repays the $5,000 and the interest, which comes to $15.41.

The loan officer says, "Miss, we are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out and found that you are a multimillionaire.

What puzzles us is, why would you bother to borrow $5,000?"

The blonde replies, "Where else in New York City can I park my Car for two weeks for only $15.41 and expect it to be there when I return?"

***************************************************************************************

A man is driving down a deserted highway, and notices a sign that
reads: SISTERS OF MERCYHOUSE OF PROSTITUTION - 10 MILES.
He thinks it was a figment of his imagination and drives on. Soon, he
sees another sign which says... SISTERS OF MERCY HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
- 5 MILES.
Realizing these signs are for real, he drives on, and sure enough,
there is a third... SISTERS OF MERCY HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION - NEXT
RIGHT.
His curiosity gets the best of him, and he pulls into the driveway. On
the far side of the parking lot, is a somber stone building with a
sign on the door that reads... SISTERS OF MERCY. He climbs the steps,
rings the bell, and a nun answers the door in a long black habit, who
asks "What may we do for you, my son?"
"I saw your signs along the highway, and was interested in possibly
doing some business," he answers.
"Very well, my son. Please follow me," says the nun.
He is led through many winding passages, and soon he is very
disoriented. The nun stops at a closed door and tells the man,
"Please, knock on this door" and leaves. The man does as he is told,
and this door is opened by another nun in a long black habit, holding
a tin cup. This nun instructs "Please place $50.00 in the cup, then go
through the large wooden door at the end of this hallway." He places
the money in this nuns tin cup. He trots eagerly down the hallway, and
slips through the door, pulling it shut.
As the door locks behind him, he finds himself back in the parking
lot, facing another small sign: "Go In Peace. You have just been
screwed by the Sisters Of Mercy."

  good one Shaunna!!