Saturday funnies
Saturday, November 15, 2008 by teddybearcholla | Discussion: WinCustomize Talk
I hope these bring a smile, I myself was laughing very hard!!! No disrespect meant to anyone, and no one killed in the making of, either!!! 
The first one... 
A dog is truly a man's best friend.
If you don't believe it, just try this experiment.
Put your dog and your wife in the trunk of the car for an hour.
When you open the trunk, who is really happy to see you????????
The second... 
A man with a pegleg, hook hand and an eyepatch went to apply to be a pirate.
Interviewer: How did you get that pegleg?
Pirate: Arrr. I got me leg shot off during the first world war.
Interviewer: How did you get that hook?
Pirate: I got me hand cut off by a big knife.
Interviewer: What about your eyepatch?
Pirate: It was a rainy afternoon and I looked up into the sky and a bird crapped in me eye.
Interviewer: And that put your eye out?
Pirate: No, it was the day after I got me hook.
And last, but not least.... 
The foreman points out a huge pile of sand. He says to the Italian guy, 'You're in charge of sweeping.'
To the Scotsman he says, 'You're in charge of shoveling.'
And to the Chinese guy, 'You're in charge of supplies.'
He then says, 'Now, I have to leave for a little while. I expect you guys to make a dent in that there pile of sand.'
So when the foreman returns, after being away for a couple of hours, the pile of sand is untouched. He asks the Italian, 'Why didn't you sweep any of it?'
The Italian replies, ' I no hava no broom You saida to the Chinese-a-fella that he was in charge of supplies, but he has a disappeared and I no could finda him nowhere.'
Then the foreman turns to the Scotsman and says, 'And you, I thought I told you to shovel this pile.'
The Scotsman replies, 'Aye, that ye did laddie, boot ah couldnay get meself a shoovel! Ye left that Chinese gadgie in chairge of supplies, boot ah couldnay fin' him neither.'
The foreman is really angry now. He storms off toward the pile of sand to look for the Chinese guy. Just then, the Chinese guy leaps out from behind the pile of sand and yells....................'SUPPLIES!!!!'
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Reply #562 Thursday, March 4, 2010 4:30 PM
I wanted to post in the Sunday Funnies,but that thread is broken at reply #5
Bracelet at Tiffany's
A lady walks into Tiffany's. She looks around, spots a beautiful diamond bracelet and walks over to inspect it.
As she bends over to look more closely, she unexpectedly has to fart.
Very embarrassed, she looks around nervously to see if anyone noticed her little whoops and prays that a sales person wasn't anywhere near.
As she turns around, her worst nightmare materializes in the form of a salesman standing right behind her. Good looking as well .
Cool as a cucumber, he displays all of the qualities one would expect of a professional in a store like Tiffany's, he politely greets the lady with, 'Good day, Madam. How may we help you today?'
Blushing & uncomfortable, but still hoping that the salesman somehow missed her little 'incident', she asks, 'Sir, what is the price of this lovely bracelet?'
He answers, "Madam . . . If you farted just looking at it, you're going to shit when I tell you the price
Reply #563 Thursday, March 11, 2010 8:00 AM
The Sierra Club and the U.S. Forest Service were presenting an alternative to Wyoming ranchers for controlling the coyote population. It seems that after years of the ranchers using the tried and true methods of shooting and/or trapping the predators, the tree-huggers had a 'more humane' solution.
What they proposed was for the animals to be captured alive. The males would then be castrated and let loose again. Therefore the population would be controlled. This was ACTUALLY proposed to the Wyoming Wool and Sheep Grower's Association by the Sierra Club and the US Forest Service.
All of the ranchers thought about this amazing idea for a couple of minutes. Finally, and old guy in the back of the conference room stood up, tipped his hat back and said: "Son, I don't think you understand our problem. Those coyotes ain't fuckin' our sheep - they're eatin' 'em!"
You should have been there to hear the roar of laughter..
Reply #565 Monday, March 22, 2010 7:59 AM
Two Blondes With Hammers...
Lynn and Ruth were doing some carpenter work on a Habitat for Humanity House. While Lynn was nailing down house siding, she would reach into her nail pouch, pull out a nail and either toss it over her shoulder or nail it in.
Ruth, figuring this was worth looking into, asked, 'Why are you throwing those nails away?' Lynn explained, 'When I pull a nail out of my pouch, about half of them have the head on the wrong end and I throw them away.' Ruth got completely upset and yelled, 'You moron! Those nails aren't defective! They're for the other side of the house!' 
Reply #566 Sunday, March 28, 2010 8:15 PM
@WG!
A woman takes her lover home during the day while her husband is at work. Her 9-year old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them, and hides in the bedroom cupboard. The woman's husband also comes home. She puts her lover in the cupboard, not realizing that the little boy is in there already.
The little boy says, 'It's dark in here.'
The man says, 'Yes, it is.'
Boy - 'I have a football.'
Man - 'That's nice.'
Boy - 'Want to buy it ?'
Man - 'No, thanks.'
Boy - 'My dad's outside.'
Man - 'OK, how much?'
Boy - '£150'
One day this happens again and the boy and the man are both in the cupboard.
Boy - 'It's dark in here.'
Man -'Yes, it is.'
Boy - 'I have football boots.'
The man, remembering the last time, asks the boy, 'How much?'
Boy - '£250'
Man - 'Sold.'
A few days later, the boys' father says to him, 'Grab your boots and football, let's go outside and have a game.'
The boy says, 'I can't, I sold them.'
The father asks, 'How much for?'
Boy - '£400'
The father says, 'It's terrible to overcharge your friends like that. That's much more than they actually cost. You're going to church to confess.'
They go to the church. The father makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and closes the door..
The boy says, 'It's dark in here.'
The priest says, 'Don't start that again you little sh*t. You're in my cupboard now.'
Reply #568 Thursday, April 1, 2010 11:36 AM
The Parking Ticket
Working people frequently ask retired people what they do to make their days interesting.
Well, for example, the other day my wife and I went into town and went into a shop. We were only in there for about 5 minutes. When we came out, there was a cop writing out a parking ticket.
We went up to him and said, 'Come on man, how about giving a senior citizen a break?' He ignored us and continued writing the ticket. I called him a Nazi turd. He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having worn tires. So my wife called him a poop-head. He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first. Then he started writing a third ticket. This went on for about 20 minutes. The more we abused him, the more tickets he wrote.
Personally, we didn't care. We came into town by bus and the car had an Obama sticker. We try to have a little fun each day now that we're retired.
Reply #569 Thursday, April 1, 2010 11:42 AM
A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an
Oxygen mask over his mouth and nose still heavily sedated
From a difficult, four hour surgical procedure.
A young nurse appears to give him a partial sponge bath.
"Nurse", he mumbles, from behind the mask, "Are my testicles
Black?"
Very surprised and somewhat embarrassed, the young nurse
Replies, "I don't know Sir, I'm only here to wash your upper
Body and feet.."
He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, are my testicles black?"
Concerned that he might elevate his vitals from worrying about
His testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and sheepishly
Pulls back the sheets
She raises his gown, holds his penis in one hand and carefully
Takes his testicles in the other, lifting and moving them around;
She examines them closely and then gently replaces his gown
And sheets.
She reassuringly tells the man, "Sir, there's nothing wrong
With them."
With great difficulty and pain, the man slowly reaches up and
Pulls off his oxygen mask... With an unusually contented smile,
He says "Thank you very much. That was wonderful! But listen
To me very, very closely."
"ARE-MY-TEST-RESULTS-BACK?”
_____________________________________________
Neil Armstrong
ON JULY 20, 1969, AS COMMANDER OF THE APOLLO 11 LUNAR MODULE, NEIL ARMSTRONG WAS THE FIRST PERSON TO SET FOOT ON THE MOON.
HIS FIRST WORDS AFTER STEPPING ON THE MOON, 'THAT'S ONE SMALL STEP FOR MAN, ONE GIANT LEAP FOR MANKIND,' WERE TELEVISED TO EARTH AND HEARD BY MILLIONS.
BUT JUST BEFORE HE REENTERED THE LANDER, HE MADE THE ENIGMATIC REMARK '*_GOOD LUCK, MR. GORSKY._*'
MANY PEOPLE AT NASA THOUGH IT WAS A CASUAL REMARK CONCERNING SOME RIVAL SOVIET COSMONAUT.
HOWEVER, UPON CHECKING, THERE WAS NO GORSKY IN EITHER THE RUSSIAN OR AMERICAN SPACE PROGRAMS.
OVER THE YEARS MANY PEOPLE QUESTIONED ARMSTRONG AS TO WHAT THE 'GOOD LUCK, MR. GORSKY' STATEMENT MEANT, BUT ARMSTRONG ALWAYS JUST SMILED.
ON JULY 5, 1995, IN TAMPA BAY , FLORIDA, WHILE ANSWERING QUESTIONS FOLLOWING A SPEECH, A REPORTER BROUGHT UP THE 26- YEAR-OLD QUESTION TO ARMSTRONG. THIS TIME HE FINALLY RESPONDED.
MR. GORSKY HAD DIED, SO NEIL ARMSTRONG FELT HE COULD NOW ANSWER THE QUESTION.
IN 1938, WHEN HE WAS A KID IN A SMALL MID-WEST TOWN, HE WAS PLAYING BASEBALL WITH A FRIEND IN THE BACKYARD. HIS FRIEND HIT THE BALL, WHICH LANDED IN HIS NEIGHBOR'S YARD BY THEIR BEDROOM WINDOW.
HIS NEIGHBORS WERE MR.. AND MRS. GORSKY.
AS HE LEANED DOWN TO PICK UP THE BALL, YOUNG ARMSTRONG HEARD MRS. GORSKY SHOUTING AT MR. GORSKY.
'SEX! YOU WANT SEX?! YOU'LL GET SEX WHEN THE KID NEXT DOOR WALKS ON THE MOON!'
TRUE STORY *Love it !!*
Reply #570 Thursday, April 1, 2010 2:23 PM
Bottle of Wine
A woman and a man are involved in a car accident on a snowy, cold Monday morning; it's a bad one. Both of their cars are totally demolished, but amazingly neither of them is hurt. God works in mysterious ways. After they crawl out of their cars, the man is yelling about women drivers.
The woman says, 'So, you're a man. That's interesting. I'm a woman. Wow, just look at our cars! There's nothing left, but we're unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we should be friends and live in peace for the rest of our days.'
Flattered, the man replies, 'Oh yes, I agree completely, this must be a sign from God! But you're still at fault...women shouldn't be allowed to drive.'
The woman continues, 'And look at this, here's another miracle. My car is completely demolished but this bottle of wine didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune. She hands the bottle to the man.
The man nods his head in agreement, opens it and drinks half the bottle and then hands it back to the woman. The woman takes the bottle, puts the cap back on and hands it back to the man.
The man asks, 'Aren't you having any?'
The woman replies, 'No. I think I'll just wait for the police...'
MORAL OF THE STORY:
Women are clever, evil bitches. Don't mess with them.
Reply #571 Monday, April 5, 2010 2:19 PM
Why Parents Drink
A father passing by his son's bedroom was astonished to see that his bed was nicely made and everything was picked up. Then he saw an
Envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow that was addressed to 'Dad.'
With the worst premonition he opened the envelope
With trembling hands and read the letter.
Dear Dad:
It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to elope with my new girlfriend because I wanted to avoid a scene with Mom and you.
I have been finding real passion with Stacy and she is so nice.
But I knew you would not approve of her because of all her piercing, tattoos, tight motorcycle clothes and the fact that she is much older than I am. But it' s not only the passion...Dad she's pregnant.
Stacy said that we will be very happy.
She owns a trailer in the woods and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. We share a dream of having many more children.
Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone.
We'll be growing it for ourselves and trading it with the other people that live nearby for cocaine and ecstasy.
In the meantime we will pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so
Stacy can get better. She deserves it.
Don't worry Dad. I'm 15 and I know how to take care of myself.
Someday I'm sure that we will be back to visit so that you can
Get to know your grandchildren.
Love, Your Son John
PS. Dad, none of the above is true. I'm over at Tommy's house.
I Just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than a Report card That's in my center desk drawer.
I love you.
Call me when it's safe to come home.
Reply #572 Friday, April 9, 2010 7:29 AM
ever wanted to know why you can't get on line?
Reply #573 Friday, April 9, 2010 11:24 PM
A group of geriatrics were discussing how it was still possible to have sex at 75, and a 85 year old chimes in: "That's great! I live at 72 and it's not too far to walk home afterwards."
Reply #575 Tuesday, April 13, 2010 3:17 PM
Australian Federal Police : Investigation
An Officer stops at a dairy farm outside of Melbourne Victoria and talks with the old farmer who's the owner.
He tells the farmer, 'I need to inspect your property for illegally grown marijuana.'
The old Farmer says, 'Okay, but don't go in that field over there.'
The officer verbally explodes saying, "Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me"!! Pointing to the badge on his chest he proudly says,
"See this badge"!?
"This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I wish, on any land, whenever I want to".
"No questions asked, no answers given".
"Have I made myself clear!!??"
"Do you now understand me!!??"
The old farmer nods politely and goes about his chores.
Later, the old guy hears loud screams and spies the deputy running for his life and close behind is a huge breeder bull.
With every step the bull is gaining ground on the officer.
The officer is clearly sh******g himself.
The old farmer immediately throws down his pitch fork, runs to the fence and yells at the top of his lungs to the officer.....
"Your badge! Show him your bloody badge!"
Reply #576 Tuesday, April 13, 2010 3:22 PM
AND NOW - ONE FOR THE MERE MALES
Son asked his mother the following question:
'Mum, why are wedding dresses white?' The mother looks at her son and replies:
'Son , this shows your friends and relatives that your bride is pure.'
The son thanks his Mum and goes off to double-check this with his father.
'Dad why are wedding dresses white?'
The father looks at his son in surprise and says:
'Son, all household appliances come in white.'
Reply #577 Tuesday, April 13, 2010 3:25 PM
'Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years.'
The dog said: 'That's a long time to be barking. How about only ten years and I'll give you back the other ten?'
So God agreed.
On the second day, God created the monkey and said:
'Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I'll give you a twenty-year life span.'
The monkey said: 'Monkey tricks for twenty years? That's a pretty long time to perform. How about I give you back ten like the Dog did?'
And God agreed.
On the third day, God created the cow and said:
'You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer's family. For this, I will give you a life span of sixty years.'
The cow said: 'That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years.. How about twenty and I'll give back the other forty?'
And God agreed again.
On the fourth day, God created humans and said:
'Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. For this, I'll give you twenty years.'
But the human said: 'Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my twenty, the forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back, and the ten the dog gave back; that makes eighty, okay?'
'Okay,' said God, 'You asked for it.'
So that is why for our first twenty years we eat, sleep, play and enjoy ourselves. For the next forty years we slave in the sun to support our family. For the next ten years we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren. And for the last ten years we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.
Life has now been explained to you.
There is no need to thank me for this valuable information. I'm doing it as a public service.
Reply #578 Tuesday, April 13, 2010 3:38 PM
JACOB, aged 92 and REBECCA, aged 89, are all excited about their decision to get married. They go for a stroll Pharmacist: "All speeds and sizes."
to discuss the wedding and on the way they pass a drugstore. Jacob suggests they go in.
Jacob addresses the man behind the counter:
"Are you the owner?"
The pharmacist answers, "Yes."
Jacob: "We're about to get married. Do you sell heart medication?"
Pharmacist: "Of course we do."
Jacob: "How about medicine for circulation?"
Pharmacist: "All kinds."
Jacob: "Medicine for rheumatism? Scoliosis?"
Pharmacist: "Definitely."
Jacob: "HOW ABOUT VIAGRA."
Pharmacist: "Of course."
Jacob: "Medicine for memory problems, arthritis, Jaundice?"
Pharmacist: "Yes, a large variety - the works."
Jacob: "What about vitamins, sleeping pills, antidotes for Parkinson"s disease?"
Pharmacist: "Absolutely."
Jacob: "You sell wheelchairs and walkers?"
Jacob says to the pharmacist : "Well then we'd like to use this store as our Bridal Registry."
Reply #579 Tuesday, April 13, 2010 7:09 PM
lovvem! so good to see yer back, luvvy!
Little Bruce and Jenny are only 10 years old, but they know they are in love.
One day they decide that they want to get married, so Bruce goes to Jenny's father to ask him for her hand.
Bruce bravely walks up to him and says, "Mr. Smith, me and Jenny are in love and I want to ask you for her hand in marriage."
Thinking that this was just the cutest thing, Mr. Smith replies, "Well, Bruce, you are only 10. Where will you two live?"
Without even taking a moment to think about it, Bruce replies, "In Jenny's room. It's bigger than mine and we can both fit there nicely."
Still thinking this is just adorable, Mr. Smith says with a huge grin, "Okay, then how will you live? You're not old enough to get a job. You'll need to support Jenny."
Again, Bruce instantly replies, "Our allowance, Jenny makes five bucks a week and I make 10 bucks a week. That's about 60 bucks a month and that should do us just fine."
Mr. Smith is impressed Bruce has put so much thought into this. "Well, Bruce, it seems like you have everything figured out. I just have one more question. What will you do if the two of you should have little children of your own?"
Bruce just shrugs his shoulders and says, "Well, we've been lucky so far."
Mr Smith no longer thinks the little shit is adorable.
Reply #580 Tuesday, April 13, 2010 11:16 PM
I love it ...... Thanks Doc its good to be back 
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Reply #561 Friday, February 12, 2010 8:55 PM
Man's Age as Determined by a Trip to Home Depot
You are in the middle of some kind of project around the house-mowing the lawn, putting in a new fence, painting the living room, or whatever. You are hot and sweaty, covered in dirt or paint. You have your old work clothes on. You know the outfit - shorts with the hole in the crotch, old T-shirt with a stain from who knows what, and an old pair of tennis shoes.
Right in the middle of this great home improvement project you realize you need to run to Home Depot to get something to help complete the job.
Depending on your age you might do the following:
>
In your 20's:
Stop what you are doing. Shave, take a shower, blow dry your hair, brush your teeth, floss, and put on clean clothes. Check yourself in the mirror and flex. Add a dab of your favorite cologne because you never know, you just might meet some hot chick while standing in the checkout lane. And you went to school with the pretty girl running the register.
In your 30's:
Stop what you are doing, put on clean shorts and shirt. Change shoes. You married the hot chick so no need for much else. Wash your hands and comb your hair. Check yourself in the mirror. Still got it. Add a shot of your favorite cologne to cover the smell. The cute girl running the register is the kid sister to someone you went to school with.
In your 40's:
Stop what you are doing. Put on a sweatshirt that is long enough to cover the hole in the crotch of your shorts. Put on different shoes and a hat. Wash your hands. Your bottle of Brute Cologne is almost empty so you don't want to waste any of it on a trip to Home Depot. Check yourself in the mirror and do more sucking in than flexing. The spicy young thing running the register is your daughter's age and you feel weird thinking she is spicy.
In your 50's:
Stop what you are doing. Put a hat on, wipe the dirt off your hands onto your shirt. Change shoes because you don't want to get dog doo-doo in your new sports car. Check yourself in the mirror and you swear not to wear that shirt anymore because it makes you look fat. The Cutie running the register smiles when she sees you coming and you think you still have it. Then you remember the hat you have on is from Buddy's Bait & Beer Bar and it says, 'I Got Worms .'
In your 60's:
Stop what you are doing. No need for a hat anymore. Hose the dog doo-doo off your shoes. The mirror was shattered when you were in your 50's. You hope you have underwear on so nothing hangs out the hole in your pants. The girl running the register may be cute, but you don't have your glasses on so you are not sure.
In your 70's:
Stop what you are doing. Wait to go to Home Depot until the drug store has your prescriptions ready, too. Don't even notice the dog doo-doo on your shoes. The young thing at the register smiles at you because you remind her of her grandfather.
In your 80's:
Stop what you are doing. Start again. Then stop again. Now you remember you needed to go to Home Depot. Go to Wal-Mart instead and wander around trying to think what it is you are looking for. Fart out loud and you think someone called out your name. You went to school with the old lady who greeted you at the front door.
In your 90's & beyond:
What's a home deep hoe? Something for my garden? Where am I? Who am I? Why am I reading this? Did I send it? Did you? Who farted?