Aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it dseno't mtaetr in waht oerdr the ltteres in a wrod are, the olny iproamtnt tihng is taht the frsit and lsat ltteer be in the rghit pclae. Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe. Olny 55% of plepoe can!

COLD  IS A RELATIVE THING. ..

  65  above zero:

 Floridians turn on the  heat.

 People in  Wisconsin plant gardens.

   60  above zero:

Californians shiver uncontrollably.

 People in  Wisconsin sunbathe.

   50  above zero:

 Italian & English cars won't  start.

 People in  Wisconsin drive with the windows  down..

  40  above zero:

 Georgians don coats, thermal underwear, gloves, wool  hats.

 People in  Wisconsin throw on a flannel  shirt.

  35  above zero:

   New York landlords finally turn up the  heat.

 People in  Wisconsin have the last cookout before it gets  cold.

   20  above Zero

 People in Miami all die.

 Wisconsinites close  the windows.

   Zero:

Californians  fly away to Mexico .

 People in  Wisconsin get out their winter  coats.

  10  below zero:

   Hollywood disintegrates.

The Girl Scouts in  Wisconsin are selling cookies door to door.

20  below zero:

   Washington DC runs out of hot air.

 People in  Wisconsin let the dogs sleep indoors.

   30  below zero:

 Santa Claus abandons the North Pole.

Wisconsinites get upset because they can't start the  Snow-mobile.

   40  below zero :

 ALL atomic motion stops .

 People in  Wisconsin start saying... "Cold  enough fer ya? "

 50  below zero:

 Hell freezes over.

Wisconsin public schools will  open 2 hours late.

HAVE YOU HEARD ABOUT THE TWO DUCK HUNTERS FROM WISCONSIN? ABSOLUTELY A TRUE STORY HEARD ON A WISCONSIN RADIO STATION REPORTING ON THE INCIDENT.


A guy buys a new Lincoln Navigator for $42,500.00 (with monthly payments of $560.00).

He and a friend go duck hunting in upper Wisconsin It's mid-winter; and of course all of the lakes are frozen. These two guys go out on the ice with their GUNS, a DOG, and of course the new NAVIGATOR.

They decide they want to make a natural-looking open water for the ducks to focus on, something for the decoys to float in.  Now making a hole in the ice large enough to invite a passing duck, is going to take a little more power than the average drill auger can   produce.  So, out of the back of the new Navigator comes a stick of dynamite with a short 40 second-fuse. Now our two Rocket Scientists, afraid they might slip on the ice while trying to run away after lighting the fuse (and becoming toast, along with the Navigator), decide on the following course of action:

They light the 40 second fuse; then, with a mighty throw, they heave the stick of dynamite as far away as possible. Remember a couple of paragraphs back when I mentioned the NAVIGATOR, the GUNS, and the DOG...???

Let's talk about the dog: A highly trained Black Lab used for RETRIEVING; especially things thrown by the owner.  You guessed it:  The dog takes off across the ice at a high rate of  speed and grabs the stick of dynamite, with the burning 40-second fuse, just as it hits the ice.

The two men swallow, blink, start waving their arms and, with veins in their necks swelling to resemble stalks of rhubarb, scream and holler at the dog to stop. The dog, now apparently cheered on by his Master, keeps coming. One hunter panics, grabs the shotgun and shoots the dog. The shotgun is loaded with #8 bird shot, hardly big enough to stop a Black Lab.

The dog stops for a moment, slightly confused, then continues on. Another shot, and this time the dog, still standing, becomes really confused and of course terrified, thinks these two geniuses have gone insane. The dog takes off to find cover, UNDER the brand new Navigator.

The men continue to scream as they run. The red hot exhaust pipe on the truck touches the dog's rear end, he yelps, drops the dynamite under the truck and takes off after his master.

Then " "" "" "" "" BOOOOOOOOOOOOM "" "" "" "" ! ! !

The truck is blown to bits and sinks to the bottom of the lake, leaving the two idiots standing there with "I can't believe this just happened" looks on their faces.

The insurance company says that sinking a vehicle in a lake by illegal use of explosives is NOT COVERED by the policy. And he still had yet to make the first of those $560.00 a month payments.

The dog is okay. . ...doing fine.

 x2....two bullseyes in a row. Coulda been worse...if starkers' butt touched the tail pipe...well, the first Ozzie to hit the moon would be our dear Cap'n.

An old man goes to the drug store and asks for six Viagra tablets cut in quarters.

The Pharmacist said, "I'll be only to happy to do that but you wouldn't achieve a full erection

with so low a dose."

The old man replied, "I don't care if it's a full erection or not. I only want it to stick out far enough

so's I won't pee on my slippers!"

I can't see me running... period!

Guess that means if a horny woman is chasing me I'm gonna get caught.

Not that it'll do her any good.... did the math and I've gone 24 days now without peeing on my slippers.

A husband and wife are laying in bed one evening when an escaped convict breaks into the house and bursts into their bedroom.  He goes over to the bed and grabs the husband, throws him across the room and ties him head down butt up on a chair, then goes back to the bed, ties up the wife and goes down as if to kiss her on the neck before going into the bathroom

The husband could just see this and says: "Now honey, I saw him kiss you on the neck, but please be calm and do not alarm or make this guy angry.  He's an escaped convict and he probably hasn't seen a woman for a very long time, so he'll probably want his wicked way with you, but please,  don't put up a fight, just let him do the dirty deed.  Even look as if you are enjoying it.  That way he is less likely to hurt you.... or me."

"No, he didn't kiss me on the neck," replies the wife: "He whispered in my ear."

"So what did he say?"

"Oh, just that he was gay, and he wanted to know where we kept the vaseline."

Two guys are playing golf -- a Japanese and American. The Japanese man, getting ready to tee off, begins talking into his thumb. The American says, 'What are you doing?' The Japanese man says: 'Oh, don't worry. With microtechnology, I have a microphone inserted in my thumb. I was just recording a message.' The two men go on playing golf. All of a sudden, the American man makes a funny sound that sounds amazingly like a fart. The Japanese man looks over at him. 'Oh,' says the American. 'Don't worry, I'm just receiving a fax.

A guy walks into the 19th hole with a black eye and a golf club wrapped around his neck.  He approaches the bar and asks for a triple scotch on the rocks.  The barman pours the drink and looks up somewhat perplexed at the golf club around the guy's neck: "Sorry, but I couldn't help but notice... you've got a 9 iron around your neck."

The guy acknowledges and proceeds to drink his triple scotch before ordering another.  The barman pours the drink and looks up: "Why, you're Tiger Woods, aren't you.... and what's with the 9 iron around your neck?"

"To your first question, yes, I am Tiger Woods.  To your second question: my wife found out that I played a-round with my mistress."

  I thought you'd say "To your second question: my wife found out that I farted a-round with my mistress."

An elderly couple are attending church services.
 
Almost halfway through, she writes a note and hands it to her husband.
 
It says, "I just let out a silent fart, what do you think I should do?"
 
He scribbles back, "Put a new battery in your hearing aid."

$5.37

That's what the kid behind the counter at Taco Bell said to me. I dug into my pocket and pulled out some lint and two dimes and something that used to be aJolly Rancher.

Having already handed the kid a five-spot, I started to head back out to the truck to grab some change when the kid with the Emo hairdo said the harshest thing anyone has ever said to me..

He said, "It's OK Sir. I'll just give you the senior citizen discount."

I turned to see who he was talking to and then heard the sound of change hitting the counter in front of me.

"Only $4.68" he said cheerfully. I stood there stupefied.

I am 62, not even 65 yet?"

A mere child!

Senior citizen?

I took my burrito and walked outside & into the truck wondering what was wrong with Emo.

Was he blind?

As I sat in the truck, my blood began to boil.

Old?

Me?

I'll show him, I thought.

I opened the door and headed back inside.

I strode to the counter, and there he was waiting with a smile.

Before I could say a word, he held up something and jingled it in front of me, like I could be that easily distracted!

What am I now? A toddler?

"Dude! Can't get too far without your car keys, eh?"

I stared with utter disdain at the keys.

I began to rationalize in my mind.

"Leaving keys behind hardly makes a man elderly! It could happen to anyone!"

I turned and headed back to the truck..

I slipped the key into the ignition, but it wouldn't turn.

What now?

I checked my keys and tried another.

Still nothing.

That's when I noticed the purple beads hanging from my rearview mirror.

I had no purple beads hanging from my rearview mirror.

Then, a few other objects came into focus.

The car seat in the back seat.

Happy Meal toys spread all over the floorboard.

A partially eaten doughnut on the dashboard.

Faster than you can say ginkgo biloba, I flew out of the alien vehicle.

Moments later I was speeding out of the parking lot, relieved to finally be leaving this nightmarish stop in my life.

That is when I felt it, deep in the bowels of my stomach: hunger!

My stomach growled and churned, and I reached to grab my burrito, only it was nowhere to be found.

I swung the truck around, gathered my courage, and strode back into the restaurant one final time.

There Emo stood, draped in youth and black nail polish.

All I could think was, "What is the world coming to?"

All I could say was, "Did I leave my food and drink in here?"

At this point I was ready to ask a Boy Scout to help me back to my vehicle, and then go straight home and apply for Social Security benefits.

Emo had no clue. I walked back out to the truck, and suddenly a young lad came up and tugged on my jeans to get my attention. He was holding up a drink and a bag.

His mother explained, "I think you left this in my truck by mistake."

I took the food and drink from the little boy and sheepishly apologized.

She offered these kind words:

"It's OK. My grandfather does stuff like this all the time."

All of this is to explain how I got a ticket doing 85 in a 40.

Yes, I was racing some punk kid in a Toyota Prius.

And no, I told the officer, I'm not too old to be driving this fast.

As I walked in the front door, my wife met me halfway down the hall.

I handed her a bag of cold food and a $300 speeding ticket.

I promptly sat in my rocking chair and covered up my legs with a blanky.

The good news was I had successfully found my way home..

Stay at home to eat in future... you may not be so lucky to find your house next time.

This morning on the Interstate,
I looked over to my left and there was a

Woman

In a brand new
Cadillac

Doing 65 mph

With her
Face up next to her

Rear view mirror 

Putting on her eyeliner.

I looked away

For a couple seconds  !

And when I looked back she was

Halfway over in my lane,

Still working on that makeup.

As a man,

I don't scare easily.

But she scared me so much;
I dropped

My electric shaver  ,

Which knocked

The donut Out of my other hand. !

In all The confusion of trying
To straighten out the car,,

Using my knees against
The steering wheel,

It knocked My Cell Phone

Away from my ear

Which fell

Into the coffee 

Between my legs!

Splashed,

And burned

Big Jim and the Twins,

Ruined the damn phone,

Soaked my trousers,

And disconnected an
Important call.

Damnwomen drivers

A priest and a rabbi were sitting next to each other on an airplane. After a while, the priest turned to the rabbi and asked, 'Is it still a requirement of your faith that you not eat pork?'

The rabbi responded, 'Yes, that is still one of our laws.'

The priest then asked, 'Have you ever eaten pork?' To which the rabbi replied, 'Yes, on one occasion I did succumb to temptation and tasted a ham sandwich.

The priest nodded in understanding and went on with his reading.

A while later, the rabbi spoke up and asked the priest, 'Father, is it still a requirement of your church that you remain celibate?'

The priest replied, 'Yes, that is still very much a part of our faith.'

The rabbi then asked him, 'Father, have you ever fallen to the temptations of the flesh?'

The priest replied, 'Yes, rabbi, on one occasion I was weak and broke my Faith.'

The rabbi nodded understandingly and remained silent, thinking, for about five minutes.

 Finally, the rabbi said, 'Beats the shit out of a ham sandwich, doesn't it?'

Fresh from my shower, I stand in front of the mirror, complaining to my husband that my breasts are too small.
Instead of characteristically telling me they are not, he uncharacteristically comes up with a suggestion: "If you want your breasts to grow, then every day take a piece of toilet paper and rub it between your breasts for a few seconds."
Willing to try anything, I fetched a piece of toilet paper and stood in front of the mirror, rubbing it between my breasts. "How long will this take?" I ask.
"They will grow larger over a period of years," he replies.
I stop. "Do you really think rubbing a piece of toilet paper between my breasts every day will make them larger over the years?"
Without missing a beat he says, "Worked for your butt, didn't it?"

He's still alive, and with a great deal of therapy, may even walk again.
Stupid, stupid man.

===============================================================================

After the tourist had been served in a Las Vegas cocktail lounge, he beckoned the waitress back and said quietly, "Miss, yah sure are a luvly, luvly lady; can ah persuade yah to give me a piece of ass?"
"Lord, that's the most direct proposition I've ever had!" gasped the girl. Then she looked around the room, smiled and added, "Sure, why not? You're nice lookin' too and it's pretty slow here right now, so why don't
we just slip away up to my room?"
When the pair returned half an hour later, the man sat down at the same table and the waitress asked, "Will there be anything else, sir?"
"Why yes," replied the southern gentleman. "Ah sure 'preciate what yah just did for me; it was real sweet and right neighborly, but where ah come from in Alabamuh we lack our bourbon real cold, so ah still need to trouble yah for a piece uh ass for mah drink."

Gotcha.... this is a guy is from Brisbane Australia