Some more Steven Wright:

Even snakes are afraid of snakes.

I can't stop thinking like this.

This isn't all true.

You know how it is when you're walking up the stairs, and you get to the top, and you think there's one more step? I'm like that all the time.

I put hardwood floors on top of wall-to-wall carpet.

Tinsel is really snakes' mirrors.

Two babies were born on the same day at the same hospital. They lay there and looked at each other. Their families came and took them away. Eighty years later, by a bizarre coincidence, they lay in the same hospital, on their deathbeds, next to each other. One of them looked at the other and said, "So. What did you think?"

My grandfather gave me a watch. It doesn't have any hands or numbers. He says it's very accurate. I asked him what time it was. You can guess what he told me.

When I turned two I was really anxious, because I'd doubled my age in a year. I thought, if this keeps up, by the time I'm six I'll be ninety.

Sponges grow in the ocean. That just kills me. I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be if that didn't happen.

If all the nations in the world are in debt, where did all the money go?

When I get real bored, I like to drive downtown and get a great parking spot, then sit in my car and count how many people ask me if I'm leaving.

One night a jet flew a little bit too close to my house. I was walking from the living room to the kitchen, and the stewardess told me to sit down.

When I go, I'm flying Air Bizarre. It's a good airline. You buy a one way round trip ticket. You leave any Monday, and they bring you back the previous Friday... That way you still have the weekend.

I have a friend named Dennis. Both of his parents were midgets, but he isn't a midget. He's a midget-dwarf. He's two inches tall. He's the one who poses for trophies.

A friend of mine is into Voodoo Acupuncture. You don't have to go. You'll just be walking down the street, and... Ooooohhhhhh, that's much better...

 Sweet! Probably happened, too!

A good looking man walked into an agent's office in Hollywood and said
'I want to be a movie star.' Tall, handsome and with experience on
Broadway, he had the right credentials.

The agent asked, 'What's your name?'

 The guy said, 'My name is Penis van Lesbian.'

The agent said, 'Sir, I hate to tell you, but in order to get into
Hollywood , you are going to have to change your name.'

'I will NOT change my name! The van Lesbian name is centuries o ld,
 I will not disrespect my grandfather by changing my name. Not ever.'

The agent said, 'Sir, I have worked in Hollywood for years... you will
NEVER go far in Hollywood with a name like Penis van Lesbian! I'm
telling you, you will HAVE TO change your name or I will not be able to
represent you.'

'So be it! I guess we will not do business together' the guy said and
he left the agent's office.

FIVE YEARS LATER..... The agent opens an envelope sent to his office.
Inside the envelope is a letter and a check for $50,000. The agent is
awe-struck, who would possibly send him $ 50,000? He reads the letter
enclosed...

'Dear Sir, Five years ago, I came into your office wanting to become an
actor in Hollywood , you told me I needed to change my name. Determined
to make it with my God-given birth name, I refused. You told me I would
never make it in Hollywood with a name like Penis van Lesbian. After I
left your office, I thought about what you said. I decided you were
right. I had to change my name. I had too mu ch pride to return to your
office, so I signed with another agent. I would never have made it
without changing my name, so the enclosed check is a token of my
appreciat ion.

Thank you for your advice..

Sincerely,

Dick van Dyke

Passionate kiss like spider's web. Soon lead to undoing of fly.

-- Virginity like bubble. One prick, all gone.

-- Man who run in front of car get tired.

-- Man who run behind car get exhausted.

-- Foolish man give wife grand piano. Wise man give wife upright organ.

-- Man who walk thru airport turnstile sideways going to Bangkok.

-- Man with one chopstick go hungry.

-- Man who scratches butt should not bite fingernails.

-- Man who eat many prunes get good run for money.

-- Baseball is wrong -- man with four balls cannot walk.

-- War doesn't determine who is right. War determines who is left.

-- Wife who put husband in doghouse soon find him in cathouse.

From an article in the Wall Street Journal, about the Dutch firm that has been hired to manage the International Arrivals Building at New York's John F. Kennedy Airport:

The tile under the urinals in the Arrivals Building has that familiar lemony tinge; rubber soles stick to it. Over in Amsterdam, the tile under Schiphol's urinals would pass inspection in an operating room. But nobody notices. What everybody does notice is that each urinal has a fly in it. Look harder, and the fly turns into the black outline of a fly, etched into the porcelain.

"It improves the aim," says Aad Kieboom. "If a man sees a fly, he aims at it." Mr. Kieboom, an economist, directs Schiphol's own building expansion. His staff conducted fly-in-urinal trials and found that etchings reduce spillage by 80%. The Dutch will transfer the technology to New York.

"We will put flies in the urinals yes," Jan Jansen says in a back office at the Arrivals Building. He is the new Dutch general manager, the boss as of noon today. "It gives a guy something to think about. That's the perfect example of process control."

But a spokesperson for Rudy Guiliani, Mayor of New York, was heard to say, "What do we need with Dutch flies when we have more than enough roaches to piss on?"

A judge was punishing three men because they had committed a crime. Their sentence was a few years in the desert. He said that they could each take one thing with them.

The first guy decides to take an umbrella, so that he can have shade whenever he wants.

The second guy decides to take a water bottle so that he won't get thirsty.

Finally, the third guy decides to take a car door.

The judge asked, "Why in the world would you want to take a car door?" The man replies, "Just in case it gets hot, I can roll down the window."

The new minister's wife had a baby, so the minister appealed to the congregation for a salary increase to cover the addition to the family. 
The congregation agreed that it was only fair, and approved it. 
When the next child arrived, the minister appealed again and the congregation approved again.
Several years and five children later, the congregation was a bit upset over the increasing expense. This turned into a rather loud meeting one night with the minister.
Finally, the minister stood and shouted out, "Having children is an Act of God!"
An older man in the back stood and shouted back, "Rain and snow are Acts of God, too, and we wear rubbers for them!"
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The father of five children had won a toy at a raffle. 
When he got home, he called his kids together to ask which one should have the present.
"Who is the most obedient?" he asked. "Who never talks back to mother? Who does everything she says?"
Five small voices answered in unison: "You do, Daddy!"

A koala was sitting in a gum tree...... smoking a joint
when a little lizard walked past, looked up and said, 

"Oi Koala! What are you doing?"
 
The koala said, "Smoking a joint; come up and have some." 
So the little lizard climbed up and sat next to the koala ,
where they enjoyed the weed.   


After a while the little lizard said that his mouth was dry
and that he was going to get a drink from the river. 

The little lizard was so stoned that he leaned too far
over and fell into the river.   

A crocodile saw this, swam over to the little lizard, and
helped him to the side. Then he asked the little lizard,
"What's the matter with you?" 

The little lizard explained to the crocodile that he
was sitting smoking a joint with the koala in the tree,
got too stoned, and then fell into the river while taking a drink. 

The crocodile said that he had to check this out, walked
into the rain forest, and found the tree where the koala was 
sitting finishing a joint. The crocodile looked up and said,
"Oi you!" 
 
So the koala looked down at him and said, 
 
"Shiiiiiiiiiiit, duuuuuude..... 
How much water did you drink?!!"

Frank and his buddies were hanging out and planning a 5-day golf

trip. Unfortunately, he had to tell them that he couldn't go because

his wife wouldn't let him.


  After a lot of teasing and name calling, Frank headed home

totally frustrated. The following week when Frank's buddies arrived at

the golf resort, they were shocked to see Frank sitting in the lobby,

drinking a beer, holding his putter!


  "How did you talk your wife into letting you go, Frank?"


  "I didn't have to," Frank replied. "Last I night I slumped down

in my chair with a beer to drown my sorrows. Then, my wife snuck up

behind me and covered my eyes and said, 'Surprise.' When I peeled her

hands back, she was standing there in a beautiful see-through negligee

and said, 'Carry me into the bedroom and tie me to the bed, and you can

do whatever you want'......SO HERE I AM !"

Two tourists were traveling through Louisiana. As they approached Natchitoches, they started arguing about the pronunciation of the town.

They went back and forth until they stopped for lunch. At the counter, one tourist asked the employee, "Before we order, could you please settle an argument for us? Would you please pronounce where we are very slowly?"

The guy leaned over the counter and said, "Burrr-gerrr Kiiing."

Every evening after office hours...5:03 pm...on the button, the doctor would stop in the bar for his fave: A hazelnut daiquiri. At 4:55 one day the bartender started to make the doc's usual when, to his horror, he found he was out of hazelnut flavoring.

He decided to use a different one...hickory.

The doc came in at 5:03 and the bartender gave him the daq. The doc screwed up his face and said, "That's not my usual!"

The bartender said, "No. It's a hickory daiquiri, doc".  

Now why didn't I think of this???
A Well-Planned Retirement - From TheLondon Times:

Outside the Bristol Zoo, in England , there is a parking lot for 150 cars and 8 coaches, or buses. It was manned by a very pleasant attendant with a ticket machine charging cars (about $1.40) and coaches (about $7).

This parking attendant worked there solid for all of 25 years. Then, one day, he just didn't turn up for work. "Oh well", said Bristol Zoo Management - "we'd better phone up the City Council and get them to send a new parking attendant . . . "

"Err . . . no", said the Council, "that parking lot is your responsibility."
"Err . . . no", said Bristol Zoo Management, "the attendant was employed by the City Council, wasn't he?"
"Err . . . no!" insisted the Council.

Sitting in his villa somewhere on the coast of Spain (presumably), is a man who had been taking the parking lot fees, estimated at (about $560) per day at Bristol Zoo for the last 25 years. Assuming 7 days a week, this amounts to just over ($7 million - or $280,000 every year for 25 years)!!! ALL TAX FREE, TOO!!!

And no one even knows his name.