Saturday funnies
Saturday, November 15, 2008 by teddybearcholla | Discussion: WinCustomize Talk
I hope these bring a smile, I myself was laughing very hard!!! No disrespect meant to anyone, and no one killed in the making of, either!!! 
The first one... 
A dog is truly a man's best friend.
If you don't believe it, just try this experiment.
Put your dog and your wife in the trunk of the car for an hour.
When you open the trunk, who is really happy to see you????????
The second... 
A man with a pegleg, hook hand and an eyepatch went to apply to be a pirate.
Interviewer: How did you get that pegleg?
Pirate: Arrr. I got me leg shot off during the first world war.
Interviewer: How did you get that hook?
Pirate: I got me hand cut off by a big knife.
Interviewer: What about your eyepatch?
Pirate: It was a rainy afternoon and I looked up into the sky and a bird crapped in me eye.
Interviewer: And that put your eye out?
Pirate: No, it was the day after I got me hook.
And last, but not least.... 
The foreman points out a huge pile of sand. He says to the Italian guy, 'You're in charge of sweeping.'
To the Scotsman he says, 'You're in charge of shoveling.'
And to the Chinese guy, 'You're in charge of supplies.'
He then says, 'Now, I have to leave for a little while. I expect you guys to make a dent in that there pile of sand.'
So when the foreman returns, after being away for a couple of hours, the pile of sand is untouched. He asks the Italian, 'Why didn't you sweep any of it?'
The Italian replies, ' I no hava no broom You saida to the Chinese-a-fella that he was in charge of supplies, but he has a disappeared and I no could finda him nowhere.'
Then the foreman turns to the Scotsman and says, 'And you, I thought I told you to shovel this pile.'
The Scotsman replies, 'Aye, that ye did laddie, boot ah couldnay get meself a shoovel! Ye left that Chinese gadgie in chairge of supplies, boot ah couldnay fin' him neither.'
The foreman is really angry now. He storms off toward the pile of sand to look for the Chinese guy. Just then, the Chinese guy leaps out from behind the pile of sand and yells....................'SUPPLIES!!!!'
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Reply #442 Wednesday, May 20, 2009 2:46 PM
An Irishman, an Italian, and a Polish guy are in a bar. They are having a good time and all agree that the bar is a nice place.
Then the Irishman says, "Aye, this is a nice bar, but where I come from, back in Dublin , there's a better one. At McDougal's, you buy a drink, you buy another drink, and McDougal himself will buy your third drink!" The others agree that sounds like a nice place.
Then the Italian says, "Yeah, that's a nice bar, but where I come rrom, there's a better one.. Over in Brooklyn , there's this place, Vinny's. At Vinny's, you buy a drink, Vinny buys you a drink. you buy anudda drink, Vinny buys you anudda drink." Everyone agrees that it sounds like a great bar.
Then the Polish guy says, "You think that's great? Where I come from, there's this place called Warshowski's. At Warshowski's, they buy you your first drink, they buy you your second drink, they buy you your third drink, and then, they take you in the back and get you laid!"
"Wow!" say the other two. "That's fantastic! Did that actually happen to you?"
"No," replies the Polish guy, "but it happened to my sister!"
Reply #443 Wednesday, May 20, 2009 8:39 PM
Here is something to think about when negative people
are doing their best to rain on your parade. So remember this story the
next time someone who knows nothing and cares less tries to make your
life miserable.
A woman was at her hairdresser's getting her hair styled
for a trip to Rome with her husband.. She mentioned the trip to the
hairdresser, who responded:
" Rome? Why would anyone want to go there? It's crowded
and dirty...You're crazy to go to Rome . So, how are you getting there?"
"We're taking Continental," was the reply. "We got a
great rate!"
"Continental?" exclaimed the hairdresser. " That's a
terrible airline. Their planes are old, their flight attendants are
ugly, and they're always late.
So, where are you staying in Rome ?"
"We'll be at this exclusive little place over on Rome's
Tiber River called Teste."
"Don't go any further. I know that place. Everybody
thinks its gonna be something special and exclusive, but it's really a
dump."
"We're going to go to see the Vatican and maybe get to
see the Pope."
"That's rich," laughed the hairdresser. You and a
million other people trying to see him. He'll look the size of an ant.
Boy, good luck on this lousy trip of yours. You're going
to need it."
A month later, the woman again came in for a hairdo. The
hairdresser asked her about her trip to Rome .
"It was wonderful," explained the woman, "not only were
we on time in one of Continental's brand new planes, but it was
overbooked, and they bumped us up to first class. The food and wine were
wonderful, and I had a handsome 28-year-old steward who waited on me
hand and foot.
And the hotel was great! They'd just finished a $5
million remodeling job, and now it's a jewel, the finest hotel in the
city. They, too, were overbooked, so they apologized and gave us their
owner's suite at no extra
charge!"
"Well," muttered the hairdresser, "that's all well and
goo d, but I know you didn't get to see the Pope."
"Actually, we were quite lucky, because as we toured the
Vatican, a Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder, and explained that the
Pope likes to meet some of the visitors, and if I'd be so kind as to
step into his private room and wait, the Pope would personally greet me.
Sure enough, five minutes later, the Pope walked through
the door and shook my hand! I knelt down and he spoke a few words to
me."
"Oh, really! What'd he say ?"
He said: "Who fucked up your hair?
Reply #444 Wednesday, May 20, 2009 9:14 PM
This one is older than I am...
What do you get when a woman flies upside down?
Crack up.
Yeah yeah.....I know. I'm leavin'. I couldn't think of anything else.
Reply #445 Wednesday, May 20, 2009 11:36 PM
Why don't witches wear knickers???
To get a better grip on their broomsticks.
Reply #446 Thursday, May 21, 2009 9:30 AM
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Reply #447 Thursday, May 21, 2009 10:03 AM
Paddy needs to find some new friends. Back to the bird store.
Reply #448 Thursday, May 21, 2009 1:12 PM
How To Maintain A Healthy Level Of Insanity
1. At lunch time, sit in your parked car with sunglasses on and point a hair dryer at passing cars. See if they slow down.
2. On all your cheque stubs, write 'For Marijuana'.
3. Skip down the street rather than walk and see how many looks you get.
4. Order a Diet Water whenever you go out to eat, with a serious face.
5. Sing along at the Opera.
6. When the money comes out of the ATM, scream 'I Won! I Won!'
7. When leaving the Zoo, start running towards the car park, yelling 'Run For Your Lives! They're Loose!'
8. Tell your children over dinner, 'Due to the economy, we are going to have to let one of you go.'
And The Final Way To Keep A Healthy Level Of Insanity
9. PICK UP A BOX OF CONDOMS AT THE PHARMACY, GO TO THE COUNTER AND ASK WHERE THE FITTING ROOM IS.
Reply #449 Thursday, May 21, 2009 1:14 PM
My mother taught me to read when I was four years old (her first mistake).
One day, I was in the bathroom and noticed one of the cabinet doors was ajar.
I read the box in the cabinet. I then asked my mother why she was keeping 'napkins' in the bathroom. Didn't they belong in the kitchen?
Not wanting to burden me with unnecessary facts, she told me that those were for "special occasions" (her second mistake).
Now fast forward a few months....It' s Thanksgiving Day, and my folks are leaving to pick up my uncle and his wife for dinner. Mom had assignments for all of us while they were gone.
Mine was to set the table.
When they returned, my uncle came in first and Immediately burst into laughter. Next came his wife who gasped, then began giggling... Next came my father, who roared with laughter.
Then came Mom, who almost died of embarrassment when she saw each place setting on the table with a "special occasion" Kotex napkin at each plate, with the fork carefully arranged on top. I had even tucked the little tail in so they didn't hang off the edge!!
My mother asked me why I used these and, of course, My response sent the other adults into further fits of laughter.
"But, Mom, you said they were for special occasions!!! "
Reply #451 Thursday, May 21, 2009 1:19 PM
Ask a stupid question, get a stupid answer.
Yesterday I was buying a large bag of Purina dog chow for Athena the wonder dog, at Wal-Mart and was about to check out. A woman behind me asked if I had a dog.
On impulse, I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, and that I was starting the Purina Diet again. Although I probably shouldn't, because I'd ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.
I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry and that the foods nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in the line was by now enthralled with my story.)
Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me. I told her no; I stepped off a curb to sniff an Irish Setter's ass and a car hit us both.
I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack, he was laughing so hard.
WAL-MART won't let me shop there anymore!!!
Reply #452 Thursday, May 21, 2009 1:24 PM
THE UGLY FROG
An older lady was somewhat lonely and decided she needed a pet to keep her company. So, off to the pet shop she went. She searched and searched. None of the pets seemed to catch her interest, except this ugly frog. As she walked by the jar he was in, she looked and he winked at her.
He whispered,'I'M SO LONELY, TOO. BUY ME AND TAKE ME HOME. YOU WON'T EVER BE SORRY.'
The old lady figured, what the heck! She hadn't found anything else. So, she bought the frog. She placed him in the car, on the front seat beside her. As she was slowly driving down the road, the frog whispered to her 'KISS ME AND YOU WON'T BE SORRY.'!
So! The old lady figured, WHAT THE HECK, and kissed the frog.
IMMEDIATELY the frog turned into an absolutely gorgeous, sexy, young, handsome prince
THE PRINCE THEN RETURNED THE OLD LADY'S KISS.
SUDDENLY THE OLD LADY FELT HERSELF TRANSFORMING FROM HIS KISS. NOW CAN YOU GUESS WHAT THE OLD LADY TURNED INTO?
COME ON GUESS!
*
*
SHE TURNED INTO THE FIRST HOLIDAY INN SHE COULD FIND!!!
She's old. Not dead!
Reply #453 Sunday, May 24, 2009 6:40 AM
Skinny little white guy goes into an elevator, looks up and sees this
HUGE black guy standing next to him. The big guy sees the little guy
Staring at him looks down and says: "7 feet tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch
private, 3 pound testicles, Turner Brown."
The little guy faints and falls to the floor. The big guy kneels down
and brings him back to life, shaking him. The big guy says:
"What's wrong with you?"
In a weak voice the little guy says, "What EXACTLY did you say to me?"
The big dude says: "I saw your curious look and figured I'd just give you
the answers to the questions everyone always asks me.....
I'm 7 feet tall, I weigh 350 pounds, I have a 20 inch private, my testicles weigh 3 pounds each, and my name is Turner Brown."
The small guy says: "Turner Brown?!...Sweet Jesus,
I thought you said, "Turn around".
Reply #456 Monday, May 25, 2009 8:15 PM
A man and his ever-nagging wife went on a vacation to jerusalem. While they were there, the wife passed away. The undertaker told the husband. "You can have her shipped home for $5.000, or you can bury her here, in the Holly Land, for $150." The man thought abouth it and told him he would have her shipped home. The undertaker asked." Why would you spend $5.000 to ship your wife home, when it would be wonderful to be buried here and you would only spend $150?"
The man replied. "Long ago a man died here, was buried here, and three days later he rose from the dead. I just can't take that chance.
Reply #458 Monday, May 25, 2009 11:28 PM
A 7' 6" guy was standing at the urinal when a dwarf came in and stood at the urinal beside him. The dwarf looks up and exclaims: "Geez, you have enormous balls.... they're fucking huge, even!!!"
The big guy thinks little of it and just says: "OK!"
Next thing the dwarf is saying how he feels cheated and shows the big guy his miniscule pair, saying: "I've never seen such a huge pair of balls, and being that I feel inadequate, I wonder if you would just let me hold yours for just a moment so I know what it's like to feel like a real man.
The big guy feels sorry for the dwarf and agrees to let him hold his balls for a moment, but asks: "Thing is, with you being so short, how are you going to reach them?"
The dwarf replies: "Well if you lift me up onto the hand basin I should be able to reach quite easily."
The big guy lift up the dwarf and he immediately holds the big guy's balls, lifting them up and down and weighing them up as compared to his own little uns. This goes on for a few moments, but then the dwarf grabs them hold real tight and says: "Now gimme all your money or I jump."
Reply #459 Saturday, May 30, 2009 3:53 PM
An old lady is rocking away the last of her days on her front porch, reflecting on her long life, when, all of a sudden, a fairy godmother appears in front of her and informs her that she will be granted three wishes.
"Well, now," says the old lady, "I guess I would like to be really, really rich." ***POOF*** her rocking chair turns to solid gold. She smiles and says, "Gee, I guess I wouldn't mind being a young, beautiful princess." ***POOF*** she turns into a beautiful young woman.
"Your third wish?" asked the fairy godmother. Just then the old woman's cat wanders across the porch in front of them. "Ooh...can you change him into a handsome prince?" she asks. ***POOF*** there before her stands a young man more handsome than anyone could possibly imagine.
She stares at him, smitten. With a smile that makes her knees weak. He saunters across the porch and whispers in her ear: "Bet you're sorry you had me neutered!"
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To remember the last stand of General Custer, the U.S government decide to enlist the talents of a local artist to help capture the famous battle.
So the artist goes to work, and spends days painting the massive mural.
The big day comes and all the generals are there, waiting to see the unveiling. The artist gives his speech and unveils the masterpiece, to show Jesus on the cross and hundreds of Indians all having sex.
The crowd is gob-smacked by the painting and demand the artist tell them why he has painted such an atrocity. Calmly, the artist takes the stand and explains that the painting represents Custer's last words,
"Jesus Christ, look at all the effing Indians!".
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Three guys were on a trip to Saudi Arabia. One day, they stumbled into a harem tent filled with over 100 beautiful women. They started getting friendly with all the women, when suddenly the Sheik came in. "I am the master of all these women. No one else can touch them except me. You three men must pay for what you have done today.
You will be punished in a way corresponding to your profession." The sheik turns to the first man and asks him what he does for a living. "I'm a cop", says the first man. "Then we will shoot your penis off!", said the sheik. He then turned to the second man and asked him what he did for a living. "I'm a firemen", said the second man. "Then we will burn your penis off!", said the sheik.
Finally, he asked the last man, "And you, what do you do for a living?" And the third man answered, with a sly grin, "I'm a lollipop salesman!"
Reply #460 Wednesday, June 3, 2009 4:31 PM
THE KNOB!!!
A woman visited a plastic surgeon who told her about a new procedure called 'The Knob,' where a small knob is placed at the top of the woman's head and could be turned to tighten up her skin and produce the effect of a brand new face-lift.
Of course, the woman wanted 'The Knob.'
Over the course of the years, the woman tightened the knob, and the effects were wonderful, the woman remained young looking and vibrant. After fifteen years, the woman returned to the surgeon with two problems.
"All these years, everything has been working just fine. I've had to turn the knob many times and
I've always loved the results. But now I've developed two annoying problems:
First, I have these terrible bags under my eyes and the knob won't get rid of them."
The doctor looked at her closely and said, "Those aren't bags, those are your breasts."
She said, "Well, I guess there's no point in asking about the goatee."
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Reply #441 Wednesday, May 20, 2009 11:40 AM
A man and a woman were sitting beside each other
In the first class section of an airplane. The
woman sneezed, took out a tissue, gently wiped her nose, and then visibly shuddered for ten to fifteen seconds.
The man went back to his reading.
A few minutes later, the woman sneezed again, took a tissue, wiped her nose, and then shuddered violently once more. Assuming that the woman might have a cold, the man was still curious about the shuddering.
A few more minutes passed when the woman sneezed yet again. As before she took a tissue, wiped her nose, her body shaking even more than before.
Unable to restrain his curiosity, the man turned to the woman and said, "I couldn't help but notice that you've sneezed three times, wiped your nose and then shuddered violently.
Are you ok?"
"I am sorry if I disturbed you,
I have a very rare medical condition; whenever I sneeze I have an orgasm."
The man, more than a
bit embarrassed, was still curious. "I have never heard of that condition
before" he said. "Are you taking anything for it?"
The woman nodded,
"Pepper."