I cant even believe this is happening to me

Sunday, August 17, 2008 by Vampothika | Discussion: Community

I always thought life sucked, but even more so than now.   i  got diagnosed with cancer of the breast.  and quite frankly im pretty numb, i have no feelings to even find.  this is what god has now decided to shove down my throat.  the darker half of me just wants to let it fester internally until it kills me, so i can finally fullfill my lifelong dream and join my dad in his grave. the other half says fix it, get the opporation. i dunno what to do


quite franky, im pretty sure most of you are secretly thinking "oh goodie shes going to die...'    I dont blame you, I never wanted anything but to be liked by people. its pretty hard when you dont have a mind that functions like everyone else, so your just not normal in the first place. so it really makes no difference if your liked or not, either way your just an outsider....


I dont want anything, reply if you want, or dont reply either way, i have to deal with this my own way.  so if you dont see me in the forums, but you see me skin every now and then, yeah im still here, but what ever my fate is, will just be that, my fate.........................

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Reply #1 Sunday, August 17, 2008 3:18 PM
No matter what any ones feelings towards you are Kitty, I dont think any would wish you harm.

I hope you realize that yours as well as all lives are worth the effort to save. To throw one away is a shame. You are loved if not only by folks here but by those at home and around you.

Depression can hamper you from accepting the fact that life is worth living and it will get better, with time and support from loved ones. Remember the night is darkest just before the dawn, and a new day emerges from it's slumber.

peace kiddo

ur Pal

Reply #2 Sunday, August 17, 2008 3:31 PM
This truly is an unlucky day (
First, Fuzzy's leaving, and now this.

Hope you pull through this Kitty. Ditto to HG's comment
Reply #3 Sunday, August 17, 2008 3:43 PM
Kitty, that's just so wrong. I can't believe anyone wishes you ill. Your tone is quite frankly, depressed. You cannot make rational choices in that state.

When my wife died eight years ago, all I begged for was to be taken instead of her, and then just to die to join her. These were the darkest times of my life and thankfully, a patient of mine, a Psychiatrist, treated me.

Now, just cut the self pity stuff. Bad things happen, and a Deity doesn't (if one exists) play any part in it. Obviously you are calling out for help. No one but you can do that so get yourself to a Psychiatrist or a Counselor (hopefully both) and get it in gear! Get going with a reputable Surgeon as well. You might want a female, so talk to your local Cancer Society and get a good one.

Passive suicidality is a state which causes you to refuse treatment. Breast cancer can be a cause of depression, much like an infection causes a fever or painful swelling. It can be a sign of the disease lurking below.

Find the energy to do what you know is right: To seek treatment. How many people in this world would give anything to have your choices and options?

Enough. Please count me as a friend, and please email me if you wish. I will try to help as much as I can.
Reply #4 Sunday, August 17, 2008 4:01 PM
Kitty listen to me,I lost 4 members of my family to cancer,and that was the hardest thing fo me to go through.But they fought every inch of the way.Please do not give up,no matter what.If you want to live...then please have the surgery before it spreads more.It will be the hardest thing for you to ever do,but you can do it.We will all be praying for you here.As for me..I am having a cancer test done here soon,and I may have cancer too.If that is the case,then I too, will deal with it and fight.Never give up.Count me as one of your friends that will be praying for you ever night until I hear good news from you.
Reply #5 Sunday, August 17, 2008 4:57 PM
Fix it..fight it..and live.

Sorry Kitty, I don't mean to be so blunt, but I don't know how else to say it.
Reply #6 Sunday, August 17, 2008 5:31 PM
I've never personally known anyone who's had cancer, but my mom suffers from a heart disease. She used to pass out often, because her heart rate would speed up rapidly, and I remember being scared out of my mind. I was a kid, then, and I thought she was dying. Once my dad told my brother and I that my mom wasn't going down without a fight, I felt proud to be her daughter. She went through a lot of tests and laser surgery. The doctors couldn't fix her problem, but she was given an alternative: take pills 3 times a day the rest of her life. She chose the alternative and is still alive, and quite healthy.

My point is don't give up. It's a battle that's fought by women everyday. Some let it completely consume their lives, but others choose to live life and fight every step. You can do it! We'll be praying for you!
Reply #7 Sunday, August 17, 2008 5:32 PM
Your choice kitty, but when I've been faced with life altering dilemmas, I said 'Fuck that .. I'm not done yet'

a little background for perspective ...

testicular cancer at 28 .. surgery and a year of treatment
broken neck and 6 months physical therapy to learn to function again at 41
menieres disease at 51 (imagine the feeling when you get off a playground merry go round ... head spinning, sick to your stomach ... for up to 7-8 hours nonstop)

Like I said ... your choice .. quit or go down fighting
Reply #8 Sunday, August 17, 2008 5:35 PM
Well Kitty.....the thought of fixing it is great...but if you have no health care or the money to pay doctor bills...you pretty much have to accept your fate...I have. But if it'll make you feel any better....none of us get out of this alive!

I was in perfect health until March of last year until all of a sudden while working my whole left side went numb...it wasn't a stroke...but they have no idea what caused it....of course it cost $70,000 to find this out...and I still have no idea what the problem is. But in the process of trying to figure out what happened they were nice enough to inform me that they did discover that I have 2 Aneurysms....1 in my ascending aorta...and 1 abdominal aortic.

In the process of all this I lost about $8000 yearly extra income when I couldn't continue doing one of my jobs...and...after informing social services I was now making even less money....they informed me that I now made to much money and discontinued my Medicaid.....go figure. As a result of that I have no health care nor can I afford to pay for the CT-Scans to monitor the progress of the Aneurysms.

So I had to just accept the fact that my days may be numbered....who knows when. Now mind you...its not the dying part that bothers me....its the not being here anymore. But I now have an exit plan in place when I get to the point that I can no longer take care of myself or pay my bills. In the end I was lucky enough to get in with a Pain Management Specialist I can afford and no take about 80mg of Valium and 1200mg of Neurontin a day...and it pretty much just barely gets me through the day...but if it weren't for that I'd more than likely have just checked out...so to speak.

So your not alone Kitty.....millions of people are going through numerous ailments right now all over the world. If you have free health care there...take full advantage of it and your chances of getting better are pretty good these days.
Reply #9 Sunday, August 17, 2008 5:53 PM
Kitty, do what needs to be done to fight this. Even if you dont love yourself very much right now, and you feel depressed, you need to fight! You have a daughter that loves you and needs you. Keep that in your mind and stay strong for her.

I think I can speak for many people here and say that we love you, and we want you to live! Get the surgery if you need it...do everything you can to get rid of it! I know several women that had breast cancer, did what needed to be done, and are healthy now. You can do it too!

We are here when you need us.

Reply #10 Sunday, August 17, 2008 6:36 PM
My mother had breast cancer about 15 years ago. She's 86 years old now and still going strong. Nothing to think about, get it taking care of now before more damage is done.
Reply #11 Sunday, August 17, 2008 6:44 PM
Hey kitty i too have cancer i have had 42 operations and im now prepareing to have a skin graft I know you think that God did this but he didnt His word says nothing bad comes fom God and i believe that and i know deep down you do too kitty pray it works i am proof of that read Jonn 3:16 have alittle faith and email whenever you like 24 seven lcmmngs313@yahoo.com and we will pray together cry together or what ever YOU need but we can do it together
Reply #12 Sunday, August 17, 2008 6:51 PM
Kitty I know you don't know me but I'm a big fan of your work, my story differs from no others I suppose, in the bad luck arena that is, My wife and I were walking across a road after leaving our jobs, sold home etc etc, we were in that limbo period waiting for our british passports to come through, to go to England as I had a excellent military contract to come over for as a technical illustrator, best money ever, my wife is an advocates p.a. so she would have made good money no matter where she went, married for just 6 months and bam!!! a car hit us outside the British Embassy in South Africa, we were pedestrians, the car was doing at least 130 k/ms per hour.
My wife was in a coma for 2 months, 9 months in a caring facility and now has 22% brain damage, completely different person who never leaves the house. Myself I have had 44 major surgeries in the last 7 years, 7 back fusions, 4 abdominal hernias they covered my whole stomach area with titanium mesh, my legs, well my legs have had the brunt of the operations, they are just titanium joints and rods covered with flesh here and there, now I am going in for my 8th back fusion soon, and you know what, with family, friends and each other, plus our son we still have a big juicy smile on our faces, never give up Kitty, I don't even know you and I love you, a surgeon once said to me..."It can't always happen to somebody else, sometimes it happens to you...", Kitty hang in there girl, don't let the dark side of you win, you can beat it.
Love ya Lots
Thuglifejunior & Thugwife
Reply #13 Sunday, August 17, 2008 8:39 PM
My mom had breast cancer. Operation, radiation, no chemo and she's done. The disease sucks, but it may turn out it's not as bad as it seems.

Give it a shot.

I don't hate you and I don't want you to die.
Reply #14 Sunday, August 17, 2008 9:15 PM
Get the Op, Kitty.
Reply #15 Sunday, August 17, 2008 9:58 PM
I for one don't want you dead. You have a lot art work to do before you go and you are one of the most interesting people on this site. Please get fixed. Those people who might want you dead or those people who think you complain too much ain't worth killing anyway. So screw those A holes and keep on living.

your the kats meow Kitty Hug
Reply #16 Sunday, August 17, 2008 10:46 PM
Here's one for ya. My mother has survived breast and cervical cancer. She is now 97 years old. She is one tough old broad.

Here's another one for ya. I suffer from depression. I went off the meds some years ago and that was a mistake. Recently I suffered a breakdown of sorts. I'm back on the meds and it sure has helped me think straight. Keeps me away from "those bad thoughts".

Like Web said take the medical they give. Like Jafo said get the op. Take the meds.

This place is better with you. The world is better for you.

Get better! Doctors orders.
Reply #17 Sunday, August 17, 2008 10:51 PM
Get the Op, Kitty.

Reply #18 Sunday, August 17, 2008 11:13 PM
Kitty, give it to God. And get the op if you can. We love you and need you here. Your girl needs you, you are a very worthwhile person and you are in my prayers. I lost my mom, my oldest sister, and a cousin to cancer this past January, all in less than a month. I know you are fighting a hard fight, but it can be won. My Mom held on for several years. My Sister's cancer was pancreatic, very fast type. My Mom had a breast removed and lived a good life for several years before passing from another form. So, for what it's worth, Cancer can be beaten and God can do anything. My heart is with you. Jim
Reply #19 Sunday, August 17, 2008 11:33 PM
No one should ever leave without a fight.   

Whether you believe in God or not, life is always worth the effort to hold on to.

Others have written more, this is all I got. When it comes down to it, it's very plain and simple.
Reply #20 Sunday, August 17, 2008 11:52 PM
"oh goodie shes going to die...'

Sweetheart...If anyone even thinks that, I will personally kick their ass. We love you Kitty and only hope the best for you. You are in my thoughts and prayers!

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