I cant even believe this is happening to me

Sunday, August 17, 2008 by Vampothika | Discussion: Community

I always thought life sucked, but even more so than now.   i  got diagnosed with cancer of the breast.  and quite frankly im pretty numb, i have no feelings to even find.  this is what god has now decided to shove down my throat.  the darker half of me just wants to let it fester internally until it kills me, so i can finally fullfill my lifelong dream and join my dad in his grave. the other half says fix it, get the opporation. i dunno what to do

 

quite franky, im pretty sure most of you are secretly thinking "oh goodie shes going to die...'    I dont blame you, I never wanted anything but to be liked by people. its pretty hard when you dont have a mind that functions like everyone else, so your just not normal in the first place. so it really makes no difference if your liked or not, either way your just an outsider....

 

I dont want anything, reply if you want, or dont reply either way, i have to deal with this my own way.  so if you dont see me in the forums, but you see me skin every now and then, yeah im still here, but what ever my fate is, will just be that, my fate.........................

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ZubaZ
Reply #21 Monday, August 18, 2008 12:06 AM
Do not go gentle into that good night,
Old age should burn and rave at close of day;
Rage, rage against the dying of the light.

Though wise men at their end know dark is right,
Because their words had forked no lightning they
Do not go gentle into that good night.

Good men, the last wave by, crying how bright
Their frail deeds might have danced in a green bay,
Rage, rage against the dying of the light.

Wild men who caught and sang the sun in flight,
And learn, too late, they grieved it on its way,
Do not go gentle into that good night.

Grave men, near death, who see with blinding sight
Blind eyes could blaze like meteors and be gay,
Rage, rage against the dying of the light.

And you, my father, there on the sad height,
Curse, bless me now with your fierce tears, I pray.
Do not go gentle into that good night.
Rage, rage against the dying of the light.

     --Dylan Thomas (written to his father on his death-bed)


Kick some ass Kityy


BigDogBigFeet
Reply #22 Monday, August 18, 2008 12:11 AM
Breast cancer is treatable. You are not the only one. Get help with this. There's probably a lot more help available to you than you realize. Go look for it and don't be afraid to ask.

starkers
Reply #23 Monday, August 18, 2008 12:28 AM
the darker half of me just wants to let it fester internally until it kills me,


What? A world without our Gothic Goddess? A world devoid of our Mysterious Mistress of Medieval Mayhem?? Not bloody likely!!! You go get the treatment and fight this thing cos this world needs you in it... and we want you to be a part of our lives. And that means ALL of us!!!! There isn't a single person here who would find the world a better place without you. Nope, NO way!!! Quite the opposite, in fact, because you've brought something pretty darned special into our lives through your art... by being the beautiful and kooky you that we all know and love.

I know how hard it is to feel positive and motivated while in the throes of depression (cos I suffer with it myself, often wondering 'what's the point' because I'm in constant pain and struggle with mobility) but the love and support of others, particularly those close to you, really helps when times get/are tough. I know this from personal experience, having gained the strength to keep on fighting from the love of others, so you suck up any and all love and support that comes your way, ya hear.


skybright
Reply #24 Monday, August 18, 2008 2:44 AM
Kitty, I first want to say that you are loved; even if you don't feel it...it is still there waiting for you to embrace it.


I am now going to be blunt and tell you some things about myself that I rarely share with anyone. I am mentally ill; I am bi-polar as well as a whole lot of other mental illnesses.
I suffered abuse from the time I was born onwards in just about every way one can be abused by the hands of my family and strangers as well. The abuse was so bad that it split my personality in all different directions.


I share this with you to know you are not alone. I to suffer with depression, I also have a pandora box and fight my demons frequently. But I take my meds everyday!!! I'm still trying hard to not be a victim, to survive, and hopefully to someday thrive. I have always been a fighter and I have fought hard because I know life is worth living. But when it comes down to it my faith in God has always brought me back into the light.


So I say to you now take your meds and get up and fight!!! Fight for your life. Someday you will realize life, no matter how hard it is... is worth living. I love you Kitty...

Vampothika
Reply #25 Monday, August 18, 2008 4:07 AM
i luv you skybright....... and i want to say I luv everyone who has stopped to take the time to offer support to me today. I finally found the guts to tell my mum what is happening with me, she is taking me to her naturapath soon, I reluctantly agreed to go, she thinks he is jesus, and can heal everything, I am more sceptical, but I will go. I started a fast today as well, and retook up my habbit of trying to drink 2 litres of water per day. I kind of believe in fasting and water more than anything as a cure, but I wont ignore doctors either, I will talk to them about my options ect, so far it looks like a breast removal, stupid breasts, ive always hated them, and now one might be going, i wanna keep it.....typical me.

My fiance had a good talk with me today and put alot of stuff into prospective. He cant live without me, and well, I cant live without him. I can honestly say Im truly greatful to have a guy like him, he was the first guy who liked me for me, and makes me laugh constantly. He understands im a bit nuts and dosent mind either, he just calls me his kooky baby, and I love that. He constantly supports me, whether its a hug over me crying because i cant find my other striped sock, or sharing half of his tobacco with me cause I ran out, or to me just being down and out, he is there to pick me up, nurse me to happiness always. He takes out my rubbish, gets my mail and often will go up town to buy me a coke, cause i find it too tough to leave my house,

so yeah, im lucky to have him in my life. So I guess I will see what happens, he will be holding my hand every step of the way....

thanks for listening .......and thanks again from the bottom of my heart for the support given.


and I appologize for the horrible way I broke the news, Jekyll was more in control, but that has passed.

Excalpius
Reply #26 Monday, August 18, 2008 4:19 AM
Actually Kitty, the cancer may have been working on your body to make you so moody recently. They are very good at treating it (if you are in a country not the USA or have insurance) and I think it may help in a lot of issues to get this nastiness out of your body.

Note that anything homeopathic, etc. is all bullshit. They are all just selling you something.

Get a doctor who really knows what they are doing and get it REALLY treated (surgery plus chemo). Hopefully it is a lumpectomy not a radical mastectomy, but they are even good with reconstructive surgery these days.

My mom is a 15 year survivor and now the best health of her life with a great man, my stepdad.

The survival rate for breast cancer has never been higher with proper professional treatment.

Love, peace, and support.

starkers
Reply #27 Monday, August 18, 2008 6:26 AM
I appologize for the horrible way I broke the news


No need to apologise, Kitty, you are going through an emotional time so it's understandable that not every word/sentence/phrase is going to come out right, perfectly or whatever every time. The main thing is that you're feeling a bit better and seem to be coping better now. That fiance of yours sounds like a pretty decent bloke, too, so tell him thanks for being there for you from all of us as well.


Alternate Setting
Reply #28 Monday, August 18, 2008 6:53 AM
Thinking of ya kitty - be good to yourself.


superman
Reply #29 Monday, August 18, 2008 7:08 AM
Oh why do u think that we hate you. Its not right.
Be happy.. If u have some complains express them. We are with u. Love is the rule here and we love u we need u..so does ur family.
Why will anyone hate u.
My advice to u is to do some meditation, take ur time to relax in nature, join some camp to abandon ciggerates and read jokes.
And get cured. Think rationally. Man is a rational being..

I.R. Brainiac
Reply #30 Monday, August 18, 2008 7:14 AM
Nobody wants you dead silly...believe it or not,despite our differences i do relate to your mental issues.I am subject to the same problems all the time...sometimes I just want to give up.But even when its at its worst(up to 2 months sometimes) I always know it not the real me,its only temporary.

Depression will convince you you dont want treatment...I KNOW because I let it interfere with keeping up with doctor visits and treatment all the time.Then I have to keep rescheduling appointments,getting more prescriptions that I hate taking,going to doctors in other cities with no transportation,and on and on and on...

so dont give up...do what you must.

Its ALWAYS the need to be creative that eventually pulls me out of a depressive episode...I CANT give up,I have too much left to do.  

wrigleys
Reply #31 Monday, August 18, 2008 7:32 AM
The worst thing you can do is give up on yourself..I don't know you personally but you are human like the rest of us, so thinking about being liked or disliked has nothing to do with it...just do what you have to do to stay alive kitty

Lantec
Reply #32 Monday, August 18, 2008 7:36 AM
Very sorry to hear that Kitty. You'll stay in my prayers.
I have two breast cancer survivors in my family. It's traumatic but it's something you can live with. You're gonna need a support system so don't keep it a secret.

NightTrainthedark
Reply #33 Monday, August 18, 2008 7:43 AM
Worry does not empty tomorrow of sorrow - it empties today of strength.   

ZubaZ
Reply #34 Monday, August 18, 2008 8:15 AM
Worry does not empty tomorrow of sorrow - it empties today of strength.
Saving this away until I need it.  Thanks

Bushman
Reply #35 Monday, August 18, 2008 8:19 AM
Well it looks like we are a bunch of messed up people , me included. You're not alone Kitty, get real treatment and make sure you get a reputable doctor, YOU CAN SURVIVE THIS! Sounds like you have a good guy there keep him and use him for support while you go through this, don't ever give up, never. Email me any time if ya need to talk.   

DrJBHL
Reply #36 Monday, August 18, 2008 8:29 AM
YES!
Look...I believe in real measures: Make sure you get to a Surgeon and an Oncologist. One probably won't work without the other's consultation.
If Mastectomy is a must, then realize that reconstructive surgery is covered by insurance companies.

Best of luck to you!

DrJBHL
Reply #37 Monday, August 18, 2008 8:33 AM
Worry does not empty tomorrow of sorrow - it empties today of strength.Saving this away until I need it. Thanks


Zu: Worry is the rent you pay on a house you don't even live in.

Thanks for stepping in here....I wanted to ask you to yesterday, but I thought that you might really need your Sunday for other stuff.

All's well that ends well.

HeirOfSlytherin
Reply #38 Monday, August 18, 2008 1:18 PM
It would be a lonely place in this world without you. My mom, sister-in-law and friends of the family went through this and they survived. You need to look the world in the face and say kiss my ass i'm not going to die. Kisses and best wishes, HOS.

J. Aroche
Reply #39 Monday, August 18, 2008 2:51 PM
Kitty I'm so sorry to hear this, I honestly don't have any experience to advise you on anything but I do hope everything turns out good for you and I hope you make the right choice.

lynnyf
Reply #40 Monday, August 18, 2008 3:48 PM
Kitty, I don't know you but from the tone of your post I can tell you are depressed. Frankly so would I be if I had just been diagnosed with breast cancer. Please don't blame God - He does not give us more than we can handle. I know as I live in chronic pain every day of my life. Please try to fight this -- get a good therapist to help you through it. Breast Cancer is now one of the most easily cured cancers you can get if caught in time. So please try not to let it get you down. I will remember you in my prayers.

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