Opinions needed and much appreciated....
Saturday, March 6, 2004 by Matchbook | Discussion: WinCustomize Talk
I have a friend.... a lady friend, and she's currently in an abusive relationship [far from here, nothing I can do except talk to her...] As far as the abuse? I don't feel at liberty to say the extent of it, just that it does/has occured. [I don't know all of the details anyhow..]
She knows she should leave this guy, says she WANTS to leave this guy, but for months now simply hasn't done so.
She cited the reason[s] as that she's too frightened he might get violent and/or she feels responsible for his feelings [should he become depressed or whatever..]
So, how can I convince her that by leaving him she'd be making the RIGHT decision? I asked in here because I know you are all a great bunch, and great at being impartial... and I am hoping that if this gets enough of a response it might help her out in making her decision, because there's safety in numbers - and the more people who agree with me OR have advice for her, the better. [and more likely she will be to TAKE that advice]
What do you all think?
Thanks for reading....
She knows she should leave this guy, says she WANTS to leave this guy, but for months now simply hasn't done so.
She cited the reason[s] as that she's too frightened he might get violent and/or she feels responsible for his feelings [should he become depressed or whatever..]
So, how can I convince her that by leaving him she'd be making the RIGHT decision? I asked in here because I know you are all a great bunch, and great at being impartial... and I am hoping that if this gets enough of a response it might help her out in making her decision, because there's safety in numbers - and the more people who agree with me OR have advice for her, the better. [and more likely she will be to TAKE that advice]
What do you all think?
Thanks for reading....
 |
|
Page 1 of 2 | |
|
|---|
NightTrainthedark
Reply #2 Saturday, March 6, 2004 6:38 PM
Reply #2 Saturday, March 6, 2004 6:38 PM
Link didnt work, sorry, heres another link http://www.ncadv.org/gettinghelp/help.htm
[email protected]
Reply #3 Saturday, March 6, 2004 7:43 PM
Reply #3 Saturday, March 6, 2004 7:43 PM
If she refuses to recognize her peril, your role is to get her to talk to local people who are experts in dealing with this everyday.
She needs to get out, but if she can't make that leap on her own, get her to talk to people who can help explain how.
sig101
Reply #4 Saturday, March 6, 2004 7:52 PM
Reply #4 Saturday, March 6, 2004 7:52 PM
Yes, what NightTrain said. Too often abusive relationships involve some sort of co-dependency thing. So while someone may go to friends for consolation and commiseration, often the advice for a solution-get the heck out and stay out of the relationship-is not what really they are looking for when they talk to others. And they come up with all sorts of rationales for staying in such a relationship.
As the old saying goes, you can take a horse to water... As NT said, give her the number to people who are used to dealing with these issues and know better, from experience, how to deal with the situation and the psychology involved. And who perhaps can also point her to local resources in her community to assist her first hand. (And in the meantime maybe you should talk to them yourself as well to perhaps get better insight into these kinds of situations and why she just doesn't split even though she says she wants to.)
[Message Edited]
As the old saying goes, you can take a horse to water... As NT said, give her the number to people who are used to dealing with these issues and know better, from experience, how to deal with the situation and the psychology involved. And who perhaps can also point her to local resources in her community to assist her first hand. (And in the meantime maybe you should talk to them yourself as well to perhaps get better insight into these kinds of situations and why she just doesn't split even though she says she wants to.)
[Message Edited]
carolelee
Reply #5 Saturday, March 6, 2004 9:57 PM
Reply #5 Saturday, March 6, 2004 9:57 PM
I agree with what has already been said above but I sense a little urgency to this thread. If you can, get her to her parents house or a safe house asap! Do what ever it takes, just make sure she is safe! The reason why I say this is because on February 27, my friend was shot in the chest by her estranged husband and her new boyfriend was shot in the chest and died. Nicci is still in the hospital but she is recovering(thank goodness)He kicked in her boyfriends front door and pulled out a sawed off shotgun and shot his ex-best friend(these guys grew up together)and killed him instantly and then chased Nicci outside and shot her(thankfully she has a cordless phone with her)He then went back into the house and shot himself to death........so tragic. Trouble was brewing on Feb.11, so bad that the RCMP went to her husbands place(did a search)and found 12 unregisterd shotguns and slapped a restraining order on him to stay away. Well, we know how this ends and the scars will never go away... not for Nic or her children. So, do what you can, don't let it end up like this tragic story.
[Message Edited]
[Message Edited]
DesignCaddy
Reply #6 Sunday, March 7, 2004 2:15 AM
Reply #6 Sunday, March 7, 2004 2:15 AM
nothin' you can do. they never listen. they don't want to listen. like the first guy said, its an addiction. you'd have to take the other guy out of the equation first.
uM0p apsdn
Reply #7 Sunday, March 7, 2004 2:33 AM
Reply #7 Sunday, March 7, 2004 2:33 AM
I have seen, heard, and dealt with similar situations. This is more than common. I'm guessing it's more of emotional/verbal abuse than physical as you have stated that "he may get violent...."
As much as you, yourself, would like to help her, you can't alone. Have her call for help, no not to Techtv, but the similar people mentioned above. If she is not willing to take that step, then she has more problems than what she has been telling you.
You may just be someone that she can vent out on. She may just be too dependent on the person to "get out". It may be financial or social reasons or others.
In the end, the only way you can "help" her is to provide her with the resouces and guide her. She'll have to make the choice on her own.
(see I can be serious for once or twice)
As much as you, yourself, would like to help her, you can't alone. Have her call for help, no not to Techtv, but the similar people mentioned above. If she is not willing to take that step, then she has more problems than what she has been telling you.
You may just be someone that she can vent out on. She may just be too dependent on the person to "get out". It may be financial or social reasons or others.
In the end, the only way you can "help" her is to provide her with the resouces and guide her. She'll have to make the choice on her own.
(see I can be serious for once or twice)
HG_Eliminator
Reply #8 Sunday, March 7, 2004 3:00 AM
Reply #8 Sunday, March 7, 2004 3:00 AM
the majority of battered spouces return to their battering other halves. few get the idea that this abuseive type of behavior will not change and they get out .
in many cases (those who return) have a mind set to crave a "refused" love and would rather die at the hands of the abuser than give up the quest for the abusers love ..if shes not willing to make the call to get the help then she more than likely will never..if he fear of loseing his love is more important to her than the fear of death, then she has made her decision already and you will not change her mind ....
please if your reading this get out,nothing good can come from violence and abuse. if you stay it WILL continue guaranteed!!!!!! by staying you are silently telling him its ok to abuse you .and he will keep doing it .....
also do they have kids? i hope she realizes that abusers are bullies and bullies beat up things that are smaller weaker and defenceless, so dont think that a child would be safe from him...........
[Message Edited]
in many cases (those who return) have a mind set to crave a "refused" love and would rather die at the hands of the abuser than give up the quest for the abusers love ..if shes not willing to make the call to get the help then she more than likely will never..if he fear of loseing his love is more important to her than the fear of death, then she has made her decision already and you will not change her mind ....
please if your reading this get out,nothing good can come from violence and abuse. if you stay it WILL continue guaranteed!!!!!! by staying you are silently telling him its ok to abuse you .and he will keep doing it .....
also do they have kids? i hope she realizes that abusers are bullies and bullies beat up things that are smaller weaker and defenceless, so dont think that a child would be safe from him...........
[Message Edited]
Styl-X Design
Reply #9 Sunday, March 7, 2004 6:03 AM
Reply #9 Sunday, March 7, 2004 6:03 AM
How the F**** can someone hit a woman, and in this case the one he loves... thats just sick >
She really should get out of there but I don't think you can help her that much.
If she can't see that she is making the wrong dissision by staying, you really can't do anything.
She really should get out of there but I don't think you can help her that much.
If she can't see that she is making the wrong dissision by staying, you really can't do anything.
Mistic Man
Reply #10 Sunday, March 7, 2004 6:40 AM
Reply #10 Sunday, March 7, 2004 6:40 AM
I really agree with Styl Skinner. This is just sick that these things still down here.
She has here own life and if she stay se will be abused again.
She has here own life and if she stay se will be abused again.
Erk.
Reply #11 Sunday, March 7, 2004 7:04 AM
Reply #11 Sunday, March 7, 2004 7:04 AM
This girl has family, right?
I would contact a close member of her family, -perhaps mother or father,... and explain to them what is happening.
Have them bring a domestic violence order against this creep before things get worse. At the very least, by doing this, HE should get a visit from the authorities.
Mental torment is STILL domestic violence, and can be just as damaging as physical violence. Sorry, but as her good friend YOU are obligated to step in and do something, before the inevitable happens.
My own sister was in a very abusive marriage, which she kept quiet about for a number of years. There were children involved, so she could not "see" a way out. For the sake of the kids she stayed with this pig for many years, suffering physical and mental torture.
When I finally found out what this guy was doing to my sister... (at the time of my intervention he had beaten her so badly, she was in hospital for ten days) I went to her, and took full colour photographs of her battered and bruised head and body. I then got the address details of every one of their friends, and especially HIS family. Every single one of those people in her address book received a letter and photographs explaining what he had done to her, over the period they were married.
Let me finish by saying that this maggot unfortunately still lives, but he has been disowned by his family and has no friends. My sister also sued him for every penny she could get, and he is now a bankrupt.
I am not a violent man myself, but I will say that I also paid him a visit -and left him with a warning I'm sure he will remember to his grave. He has not been near my sister since that day.
Spyderbyte...... Intervene! Do it for her, and do it for your own peace of mind. Do your utmost to get her out of there.
Please!
I would contact a close member of her family, -perhaps mother or father,... and explain to them what is happening.
Have them bring a domestic violence order against this creep before things get worse. At the very least, by doing this, HE should get a visit from the authorities.
Mental torment is STILL domestic violence, and can be just as damaging as physical violence. Sorry, but as her good friend YOU are obligated to step in and do something, before the inevitable happens.
My own sister was in a very abusive marriage, which she kept quiet about for a number of years. There were children involved, so she could not "see" a way out. For the sake of the kids she stayed with this pig for many years, suffering physical and mental torture.
When I finally found out what this guy was doing to my sister... (at the time of my intervention he had beaten her so badly, she was in hospital for ten days) I went to her, and took full colour photographs of her battered and bruised head and body. I then got the address details of every one of their friends, and especially HIS family. Every single one of those people in her address book received a letter and photographs explaining what he had done to her, over the period they were married.
Let me finish by saying that this maggot unfortunately still lives, but he has been disowned by his family and has no friends. My sister also sued him for every penny she could get, and he is now a bankrupt.
I am not a violent man myself, but I will say that I also paid him a visit -and left him with a warning I'm sure he will remember to his grave. He has not been near my sister since that day.
Spyderbyte...... Intervene! Do it for her, and do it for your own peace of mind. Do your utmost to get her out of there.
Please!
Erk.
Reply #12 Sunday, March 7, 2004 7:08 AM
WHAT FEELINGS?? > >
Reply #12 Sunday, March 7, 2004 7:08 AM
| she feels responsible for his feelings |
WHAT FEELINGS?? >
>
Styl-X Design
Reply #13 Sunday, March 7, 2004 7:52 AM
Reply #13 Sunday, March 7, 2004 7:52 AM
ow, btw, my advice is a little bit wrong, that wasn't my personal opinion but suited the best for a familie site. I think that if I knew the girl I would have gave the men a little 'visit' 
carolelee
Reply #14 Sunday, March 7, 2004 10:09 AM
Reply #14 Sunday, March 7, 2004 10:09 AM
I also believe if there was more intervention these kinds of things could be prevented. The abuser "must" seek help(anger management)and if he is refuses, get a "Court Order" and force him, otherwise the cycle will never stop! My friend made the mistake by moving in with her new boyfriend(knowing her estranged husband was sitting at home festering)The restraining order was useless and it will not keep the abuser away, it will just piss him off more. That relationship was about control, as soon as it spun out of his control, "he lost it". My point is, get her out of there and make sure this guy you are talking about gets help or who knows what will happen!
IPlural
Reply #15 Sunday, March 7, 2004 11:33 AM
Nakor hit the nail on the head here.
It is going to take some real life kind of people you can reach out and touch for her to do this most likely.
Long term abuse is like a box which slips up around you and the seams slowly blend so you can not seem to find a way out.
In many instances it is also something that comes in cycles based in the fact that a person who is conditioned to accept it as their lot in life will always be attracted to this type of relationship.
She is going to need some help, guidence to point out where she is or might slip from the path leading to her goals what ever they might be...
anyway... hope things work and she finds her way, do not let yourself become so intwined that it consumes you along the journey..
be safe... both you and her...
Reply #15 Sunday, March 7, 2004 11:33 AM
| #3 by Nakor - 3/6/2004 7:43:22 PM If she refuses to recognize her peril, your role is to get her to talk to local people who are experts in dealing with this everyday. She needs to get out, but if she can't make that leap on her own, get her to talk to people who can help explain how. |
Nakor hit the nail on the head here.
It is going to take some real life kind of people you can reach out and touch for her to do this most likely.
Long term abuse is like a box which slips up around you and the seams slowly blend so you can not seem to find a way out.
In many instances it is also something that comes in cycles based in the fact that a person who is conditioned to accept it as their lot in life will always be attracted to this type of relationship.
She is going to need some help, guidence to point out where she is or might slip from the path leading to her goals what ever they might be...
anyway... hope things work and she finds her way, do not let yourself become so intwined that it consumes you along the journey..
be safe... both you and her...
Rutabaga64
Reply #16 Sunday, March 7, 2004 1:21 PM
Reply #16 Sunday, March 7, 2004 1:21 PM
Another aspect of abusive relationships that I don't believe has been brought up here is that quite often, the abusers are really good at tearing down their victim's self-esteem. The victim ends up believing the abuser's lies and really believes that no one else will ever want her. So she stays, because she really thinks that no one else will ever want her, and that a bad relationship is better than no relationship at all.
Plus, it really is this vicious cycle, where the abuser is all hearts and flowers afterwards, oh honey, I'm so sorry, I'll never do it again. And the victim believes that as well, at least for the time being.
Best of luck to your friend, Spyder...I hope all goes well for her. I hope she finds the strength and the courage to get herself out of that situation. And keep being there for support...in an abusive relationship, the most dangerous and volatile
time is when the victim finally leaves the relationship, so even once she leaves, it won't solve matters once and for all, at least not right away. But removing herself from the situation is definitely the first step in the right direction.
[Message Edited]
Plus, it really is this vicious cycle, where the abuser is all hearts and flowers afterwards, oh honey, I'm so sorry, I'll never do it again. And the victim believes that as well, at least for the time being.
Best of luck to your friend, Spyder...I hope all goes well for her. I hope she finds the strength and the courage to get herself out of that situation. And keep being there for support...in an abusive relationship, the most dangerous and volatile
time is when the victim finally leaves the relationship, so even once she leaves, it won't solve matters once and for all, at least not right away. But removing herself from the situation is definitely the first step in the right direction.
[Message Edited]
Shameless Designs
Reply #17 Sunday, March 7, 2004 3:48 PM
Reply #17 Sunday, March 7, 2004 3:48 PM
Most of what those who have posted before me have said is sensitive, sympathetic, and fairly sensible advice. And if all that this lady has told you is true, I hope that she follows at least some of the advice posted here. However...
I hate to be a cynic, but how well do you know this person? Have you ever actually met her in real life? Or, has your only connection with her been online, and perhaps on the phone? The reason I ask this is there have been a number of cases of people who establish online relationships solely to play on the sympathies of others with tales similar to the one you brought here.
In some extreme cases, these people have even taken things to another level, asking for financial assistance to get out of their "situation." I know this, because as painful as it is to admit it, I was a victim of one of these scams and only found out about it after giving this person about $3,000. I found out afterward from the police that I was not the first victim of such a scam by a long shot, nor am I likely to be the last.
I am not accusing your lady friend of anything here, nor am I saying that you are naiive or gullible. I'm only asking you to be cautious. The money was meaningless to me in the long term. What really hurt me was the betrayal of my feelings and my trust for this person whom I had "known" for over a year.
In any case, I sincerely hope things work out for you and your lady friend.
[Message Edited]
| I have a friend.... a lady friend, and she's currently in an abusive relationship [far from here, nothing I can do except talk to her...] As far as the abuse? I don't feel at liberty to say the extent of it, just that it does/has occured. [I don't know all of the details anyhow..] |
I hate to be a cynic, but how well do you know this person? Have you ever actually met her in real life? Or, has your only connection with her been online, and perhaps on the phone? The reason I ask this is there have been a number of cases of people who establish online relationships solely to play on the sympathies of others with tales similar to the one you brought here.
In some extreme cases, these people have even taken things to another level, asking for financial assistance to get out of their "situation." I know this, because as painful as it is to admit it, I was a victim of one of these scams and only found out about it after giving this person about $3,000. I found out afterward from the police that I was not the first victim of such a scam by a long shot, nor am I likely to be the last.
I am not accusing your lady friend of anything here, nor am I saying that you are naiive or gullible. I'm only asking you to be cautious. The money was meaningless to me in the long term. What really hurt me was the betrayal of my feelings and my trust for this person whom I had "known" for over a year.
In any case, I sincerely hope things work out for you and your lady friend.
[Message Edited]
Matchbook
Reply #18 Sunday, March 7, 2004 10:44 PM
Reply #18 Sunday, March 7, 2004 10:44 PM
Thanks everyone for the feedback! I sincerely DO appreciate it, and certainly didn't expect this many heart-felt replies.. thank you all.. As fas as money is concerned, Yea, I understand the concern, but I'm not about to give money to anyone: since I'm almost broke myself hehe...
Thanks to all once again...................................................
Thanks to all once again...................................................
MGiff
Reply #19 Monday, March 8, 2004 12:03 AM
Reply #19 Monday, March 8, 2004 12:03 AM
SpyderbyteGraphX, I was a 911 dispatcher for many years and know what goes on behind those doors before and after she gets away. My biggest thing has always been convincing the victim that she (or he) is NOT responsible for his actions and/or feelings after she leaves. He is a big boy and what he does or does not do (suicide, etc) is up to him and no one else. He's gonna threaten to hurt her, himself and possibly her family and friends if and when she leaves. All she can do is warn everyone in advance and while he is not home get the hell out. Sacrificing her life to save his or anyone else's is, at this point, how it's gonna end. There's too many people out there to help her not to take someone up on it. Also, I hate to disappoint anyone, a restraining order is useless. It's not enforceable unless it's violated and guess what? Once it's violated it's too late. Tell her like it is, don't sympathize or pity her, put it to her once and leave it to her. She has to be the one to decide. Unfortunately, if she decides to stay, that leaves everyone else to pick up the pieces but that's the sad part. I really hope there's no children involved. Oh yeah, as for anger management (the answer to all domestic violence problems according to some courts), it's a joke. Defendants go because they have to, there's really nothing to learn from it except how to stay out of jail by agreeing to go. Too bad I'm not dispatching anymore, you could get her to call me and I would do what I usually do. Tell them like my mother tells me: grow up, get out and take charge. Motivational speaking I called it 
. Sorry I'm so long winded.............
Afterthought-WrecklessEric-pretty hard for that kind of man to fight someone that doesn't run or cry, huh? Street justice, works better than ANYTHING!
[Message Edited]
[Message Edited]
. Sorry I'm so long winded.............Afterthought-WrecklessEric-pretty hard for that kind of man to fight someone that doesn't run or cry, huh? Street justice, works better than ANYTHING!
[Message Edited]
[Message Edited]
Jafo
Reply #20 Monday, March 8, 2004 7:38 AM
Reply #20 Monday, March 8, 2004 7:38 AM
Styl skinner....language.
'****' disguises nothing....the intent is the same.
Please login to comment and/or vote for this skin.
Welcome Guest! Please take the time to register with us.
There are many great features available to you once you register, including:
- Richer content, access to many features that are disabled for guests like commenting on the forums and downloading skins.
- Access to a great community, with a massive database of many, many areas of interest.
- Access to contests & subscription offers like exclusive emails.
- It's simple, and FREE!
|
|
Page 1 of 2 | |
|
|---|
Reply #1 Saturday, March 6, 2004 6:35 PM
However, if she is too scared to leave b/c he is violent, then she should look for the local women's shelter in her area. They can counsel her on how to leave to avoid being hurt, and maybe also help her realize that she is not responsible for his behavior or feelings. Urge her to call the Nat'l Domestic Violence Hotline 800-799-SAFE (7233) or visit http://pages.ivillage.com/d-mizlizzy/recognizinganddealingwithdomesticabuse/
Good luck to both of you. As always, time is her greatest enemy.