Messageboard Joke Marathon
Sunday, January 19, 2003 by Mr_Ph00ey2u | Discussion: WinCustomize Talk
Ok...bring on your best or worst but leave everyone laughing 
Joke Rulez
1. Let's keep them PG. WC is a Family Place.
2. Links to Funny Pics or Flash files are welcome.
3. Throwing fruit and veggies at bad jokes is encouraged!
Joke Rulez
1. Let's keep them PG. WC is a Family Place.
2. Links to Funny Pics or Flash files are welcome.
3. Throwing fruit and veggies at bad jokes is encouraged!
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Reply #1042 Tuesday, June 3, 2003 5:29 PM
Reply #1042 Tuesday, June 3, 2003 5:29 PM
The Deer Hunters
One day at the beginning of the deer hunting season, Chuck was out in the woods with his friend, both their rifles loaded, looking for some game. Then, out of nowhere, a man runs right through their range of fire in a bright orange vest, waving his arms, yelling, "I'm not a deer, I'm not a deer!!!" repeatedly. All of a sudden Chuck's partner fires. "Got one!" he says. "Why'd you kill the man? He was yelling that he wasn't a deer! You should know better than that." "Ohhhhhh" Said Chuck's friend, "I thought he was yelling 'I AM a deer, I AM a deer!'"
Boooooooooooooooo
One day at the beginning of the deer hunting season, Chuck was out in the woods with his friend, both their rifles loaded, looking for some game. Then, out of nowhere, a man runs right through their range of fire in a bright orange vest, waving his arms, yelling, "I'm not a deer, I'm not a deer!!!" repeatedly. All of a sudden Chuck's partner fires. "Got one!" he says. "Why'd you kill the man? He was yelling that he wasn't a deer! You should know better than that." "Ohhhhhh" Said Chuck's friend, "I thought he was yelling 'I AM a deer, I AM a deer!'"
Boooooooooooooooo
Mr_Ph00ey2u
Reply #1043 Wednesday, June 4, 2003 11:28 AM
Reply #1043 Wednesday, June 4, 2003 11:28 AM
Science Class
Actual statements from High School test papers
A student in a science class wrote, "The universe is a giant orgasm" (instead of organism). At the end of the student's essay, the teacher riposted, "Your answer gives new meaning to the Big Bang Theory."
All animals were here before mankind. The animals lived peacefully until mankind came along and made roads, houses, hotels, and condoms.
Marie Curie did her research at the Sore Buns Institute in France.
Men are mammals and women are femammals.
Involuntary muscles are not as willing as voluntary ones.
Cadavers are dead bodies that have donated themselves to science. This procedure is called gross anatomy.
Water is composed of two gins, Oxygin and Hydrogin. Oxygin is pure gin. Hydrogin is gin and water.
When you breath, you inspire. When you do not breath, you expire.
H2O is hot water, and CO2 is cold water.
Artifical insemination is when the farmer does it to the cow instead of the bull.
Mushrooms always grow in damp places and so they look like umbrellas.
A permanent set of teeth consists of eight canines, eight cuspids, two molars and eight cuspidors.
Germinate: To become a naturalized German.
Rhubarb: A kind of celery gone bloodshot.
Vacuum: A large, empty space where the pope lives.
Actual statements from High School test papers
A student in a science class wrote, "The universe is a giant orgasm" (instead of organism). At the end of the student's essay, the teacher riposted, "Your answer gives new meaning to the Big Bang Theory."
All animals were here before mankind. The animals lived peacefully until mankind came along and made roads, houses, hotels, and condoms.
Marie Curie did her research at the Sore Buns Institute in France.
Men are mammals and women are femammals.
Involuntary muscles are not as willing as voluntary ones.
Cadavers are dead bodies that have donated themselves to science. This procedure is called gross anatomy.
Water is composed of two gins, Oxygin and Hydrogin. Oxygin is pure gin. Hydrogin is gin and water.
When you breath, you inspire. When you do not breath, you expire.
H2O is hot water, and CO2 is cold water.
Artifical insemination is when the farmer does it to the cow instead of the bull.
Mushrooms always grow in damp places and so they look like umbrellas.
A permanent set of teeth consists of eight canines, eight cuspids, two molars and eight cuspidors.
Germinate: To become a naturalized German.
Rhubarb: A kind of celery gone bloodshot.
Vacuum: A large, empty space where the pope lives.
Mr_Ph00ey2u
Reply #1044 Thursday, June 5, 2003 4:17 AM
Reply #1044 Thursday, June 5, 2003 4:17 AM
Worst Excuses For Being Late
13) Actually, I've been here for over 20 minutes, big guy - I was just out chillin' in the van waiting for the end of the live version of 'Freebird'.
12) I keep forgetting which side of the International Date Line you're on.
11) We're *open* on Tuesdays?!?
10) It took this long to get the ol' blood alcohol level down to the legal driving limit.
9) I had to take extra time this morning to wrestle with overwhelming aggressive impulses by reassuring myself that nothing would happen today that would push me over the edge.
8) My proctologist got stuck.
7) It was Senator Kennedy's turn to drive today, so I've spent the last hour swimming.
6) I'm late because I was on the phone trying to get *your* lousy shipping department to send the company's office supplies directly to the winner of my eBay auction.
5) Hey, time becomes meaningless when you're as strung out as I am.
4) Sorry, sir. I overslept and dreamt I had a dead-end job, a windowless office and a humorless baboon for a boss.
3) Heidi Klum refused to untie me.
2) On the second Tuesday of the month, the Campho-Phenique man comes by to fill the drum for my home supply of industrial-strength anti-canker
sore gel.
1) I'm sorry, boss, but I had to stop to get you -- uh -- this box of ten donuts.
13) Actually, I've been here for over 20 minutes, big guy - I was just out chillin' in the van waiting for the end of the live version of 'Freebird'.
12) I keep forgetting which side of the International Date Line you're on.
11) We're *open* on Tuesdays?!?
10) It took this long to get the ol' blood alcohol level down to the legal driving limit.
9) I had to take extra time this morning to wrestle with overwhelming aggressive impulses by reassuring myself that nothing would happen today that would push me over the edge.
8) My proctologist got stuck.
7) It was Senator Kennedy's turn to drive today, so I've spent the last hour swimming.
6) I'm late because I was on the phone trying to get *your* lousy shipping department to send the company's office supplies directly to the winner of my eBay auction.
5) Hey, time becomes meaningless when you're as strung out as I am.
4) Sorry, sir. I overslept and dreamt I had a dead-end job, a windowless office and a humorless baboon for a boss.
3) Heidi Klum refused to untie me.
2) On the second Tuesday of the month, the Campho-Phenique man comes by to fill the drum for my home supply of industrial-strength anti-canker
sore gel.
1) I'm sorry, boss, but I had to stop to get you -- uh -- this box of ten donuts.
BoBoMoe
Reply #1047 Thursday, June 5, 2003 7:11 AM
Reply #1047 Thursday, June 5, 2003 7:11 AM
From the NORTHWEST FLORIDA Daily News comes this story of a Crestview
couple that drove their car to Wal-Mart, only to have their car break
down in the parking lot in the summer heat. The man told his wife to
carry on with the shopping while he would fix the car in the lot. The
wife returned later to see a small group of people near the car. On
closer inspection, she saw a pair of male legs protruding from under the
chassis. Although the man was in shorts, his lack of underpants turned
private parts into glaringly public ones. Unable to stand the
embarrassment, she dutifully stepped forward, bent down, quickly put her
hand UP his shorts, and tucked everything back into place. The wife stood
back up, she looked across the hood and found herself staring at her
husband who was standing idly by in the crowd of onlookers. The mechanic,
however, had to have three stitches in his forehead!
couple that drove their car to Wal-Mart, only to have their car break
down in the parking lot in the summer heat. The man told his wife to
carry on with the shopping while he would fix the car in the lot. The
wife returned later to see a small group of people near the car. On
closer inspection, she saw a pair of male legs protruding from under the
chassis. Although the man was in shorts, his lack of underpants turned
private parts into glaringly public ones. Unable to stand the
embarrassment, she dutifully stepped forward, bent down, quickly put her
hand UP his shorts, and tucked everything back into place. The wife stood
back up, she looked across the hood and found herself staring at her
husband who was standing idly by in the crowd of onlookers. The mechanic,
however, had to have three stitches in his forehead!
Mr_Ph00ey2u
Reply #1048 Thursday, June 5, 2003 9:32 AM
Reply #1048 Thursday, June 5, 2003 9:32 AM
At Heathrow Airport today, an individual, later discovered to be a public school teacher, was arrested trying to board a flight while in possession of a compass, a protractor, and a graphical calculator.
Authorities believe he is a member of the notorious Al-Gebra movement.
He is being charged with carrying weapons of math instruction!
....running and ducking!
Authorities believe he is a member of the notorious Al-Gebra movement.
He is being charged with carrying weapons of math instruction!
....running and ducking!
Mr_Ph00ey2u
Reply #1049 Friday, June 6, 2003 4:18 AM
Reply #1049 Friday, June 6, 2003 4:18 AM
Historians have recently discovered that Annie Oakley, famed sharp-shooter of the Old West, had a sister.
The sister, Carrie, gained some renown in her day as a singer in various saloons throughout the West, but it was not until after her death that she was very widely known.
Today, countless bars are dedicated to Carrie Oakley.
The sister, Carrie, gained some renown in her day as a singer in various saloons throughout the West, but it was not until after her death that she was very widely known.
Today, countless bars are dedicated to Carrie Oakley.
Mr_Ph00ey2u
Reply #1051 Friday, June 6, 2003 3:59 PM
Reply #1051 Friday, June 6, 2003 3:59 PM
The Dachshund
A wealthy man decided to go on a safari in Africa. He took his faithful pet dachshund along for company. One day, the dachshund starts chasing butterflies and before long the dachshund discovers that he is lost. While wandering about, he notices a leopard heading rapidly in his direction with the obvious intention of having lunch. The dachshund thinks, "OK, I'm in deep trouble now!"
Then he noticed some bones on the ground close by, and immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the leopard is about to leap, the dachshund exclaims loudly, "Boy, that was one delicious leopard. I wonder if there are any more around here?" Hearing this, the leopard halts his attack in mid-stride, as a look of terror comes over him, and slinks away into the trees. "Whew," says the leopard. "That was close. That dachshund nearly had me."
"Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the leopard. So, off he goes.
But the dachshund saw him heading after the leopard with great speed, and figured that something must be up.
The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard. The leopard is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here, monkey, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine."
Now the dachshund sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back, and thinks, "What am I going to do now?" But instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen them yet... and just when they get close enough to hear, the dachshund says, "Where is that monkey? I sent him off half an hour ago to bring me another leopard."
A wealthy man decided to go on a safari in Africa. He took his faithful pet dachshund along for company. One day, the dachshund starts chasing butterflies and before long the dachshund discovers that he is lost. While wandering about, he notices a leopard heading rapidly in his direction with the obvious intention of having lunch. The dachshund thinks, "OK, I'm in deep trouble now!"
Then he noticed some bones on the ground close by, and immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the leopard is about to leap, the dachshund exclaims loudly, "Boy, that was one delicious leopard. I wonder if there are any more around here?" Hearing this, the leopard halts his attack in mid-stride, as a look of terror comes over him, and slinks away into the trees. "Whew," says the leopard. "That was close. That dachshund nearly had me."
"Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the leopard. So, off he goes.
But the dachshund saw him heading after the leopard with great speed, and figured that something must be up.
The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard. The leopard is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here, monkey, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine."
Now the dachshund sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back, and thinks, "What am I going to do now?" But instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen them yet... and just when they get close enough to hear, the dachshund says, "Where is that monkey? I sent him off half an hour ago to bring me another leopard."
mrtee
Reply #1052 Friday, June 6, 2003 5:02 PM
Reply #1052 Friday, June 6, 2003 5:02 PM
reference to 1049) Ahhh, they can't all be gems. Can they?
If King Kong
went to Hong Kong
to play ping pong
and he passed on
what would they put on his coffin?
a lid. Like I said, not all gems.
If King Kong
went to Hong Kong
to play ping pong
and he passed on
what would they put on his coffin?
a lid. Like I said, not all gems.
Mr_Ph00ey2u
Reply #1054 Saturday, June 7, 2003 8:01 AM
It's time to get A new life when...
Your job requires you to wear a paper hat.
You consider professional wrestling a sport.
You know all the words to the Brady Bunch theme.
You don't buy National Enquirer at the checkout....you subscribe.
You get unnecessary haircuts, just to have someone run their fingers through your hair.
You believe Oswald acted alone, except for the aliens behind the grassy knoll.
The first four digits of your girl/boyfriend's phone number are 1-900.
You really DO read Playboy/Playgirl for the articles.
You play the accordion.
Reply #1054 Saturday, June 7, 2003 8:01 AM
It's time to get A new life when...
Your job requires you to wear a paper hat.
You consider professional wrestling a sport.
You know all the words to the Brady Bunch theme.
You don't buy National Enquirer at the checkout....you subscribe.
You get unnecessary haircuts, just to have someone run their fingers through your hair.
You believe Oswald acted alone, except for the aliens behind the grassy knoll.
The first four digits of your girl/boyfriend's phone number are 1-900.
You really DO read Playboy/Playgirl for the articles.
You play the accordion.
Mr_Ph00ey2u
Reply #1055 Saturday, June 7, 2003 8:05 AM
Reply #1055 Saturday, June 7, 2003 8:05 AM
Beer Trouble
SYMPTOM: Beer is crystal-clear.
FAULT: It's water. Somebody is trying to sober you up.
ACTION: Punch him.
SYMPTOM: Don't recognize anyone, don't recognize the room you're in.
FAULT: You've wandered into the wrong party.
ACTION: See if they have free beer.
SYMPTON: Feet cold and wet.
FAULT: Glass being held at incorrect angle.
ACTION: Rotate glass so that open end points toward ceiling.
SYMPTOM: Feet warm and wet.
FAULT: Improper bladder control.
ACTION: Stand next to nearest dog, complain about house training.
SYMPTON: Beer unusually pale and tasteless.
FAULT: Glass empty.
ACTION: Get someone to buy you another beer.
SYMPTOM: Opposite wall covered with fluorescent lights.
FAULT: You have fallen over backward.
ACTION: Have yourself chained to bar.
SYMPTOM: Mouth contains cigarette butts.
FAULT: You have fallen forward.
ACTION: See above.
SYMPTOM: Beer tasteless, front of your shirt is wet.
FAULT: Mouth not open, or glass applied to wrong part of face.
ACTION: Retire to restroom, practice in mirror.
SYMPTOM: Floor blurred.
FAULT: You are looking through bottom of empty glass.
ACTION: Get someone to buy you another beer.
SYMPTOM: Floor moving.
FAULT: You are being carried out.
ACTION: Find out if you are being taken to another bar
SYMPTOM: Room seems unusually dark.
FAULT: Bar has closed.
ACTION: Confirm home address with bartender, take taxi home.
SYMPTOM: Taxi's interior suddenly takes on colorful aspect and textures.
FAULT: Beer consumption has exceeded personal limitations.
ACTION: Cover mouth.
SYMPTOM: Everyone looks up to you and smiles.
FAULT: You are dancing on the table.
ACTION: Fall on somebody cushy-looking.
SYMPTOM: Hands hurts, nose hurts, mind unusually clear.
FAULT: You have been in a fight.
ACTION: Apologize to everyone you see, just in case it was them.
SYMPTOM: Your singing sounds distorted.
FAULT: The beer is too weak.
ACTION: Have more beer until your voice improves.
SYMPTOM: Don't remember the words to the song.
FAULT: Beer is just right.
ACTION: Play air guitar.
SYMPTOM: Ugly woman in your sights.
FAULT: Insufficient beer intake.
ACTION: Up the dosage.
SYMPTOM: Shins and toes hurt.
FAULT: You've been walking into things.
ACTION: Maintain dosage.
SYMPTOM: Bed is bumping around.
FAULT: Taking an ambulance ride.
ACTION: It's too late, you made an ass of yourself.
SYMPTOM: Beer is crystal-clear.
FAULT: It's water. Somebody is trying to sober you up.
ACTION: Punch him.
SYMPTOM: Don't recognize anyone, don't recognize the room you're in.
FAULT: You've wandered into the wrong party.
ACTION: See if they have free beer.
SYMPTON: Feet cold and wet.
FAULT: Glass being held at incorrect angle.
ACTION: Rotate glass so that open end points toward ceiling.
SYMPTOM: Feet warm and wet.
FAULT: Improper bladder control.
ACTION: Stand next to nearest dog, complain about house training.
SYMPTON: Beer unusually pale and tasteless.
FAULT: Glass empty.
ACTION: Get someone to buy you another beer.
SYMPTOM: Opposite wall covered with fluorescent lights.
FAULT: You have fallen over backward.
ACTION: Have yourself chained to bar.
SYMPTOM: Mouth contains cigarette butts.
FAULT: You have fallen forward.
ACTION: See above.
SYMPTOM: Beer tasteless, front of your shirt is wet.
FAULT: Mouth not open, or glass applied to wrong part of face.
ACTION: Retire to restroom, practice in mirror.
SYMPTOM: Floor blurred.
FAULT: You are looking through bottom of empty glass.
ACTION: Get someone to buy you another beer.
SYMPTOM: Floor moving.
FAULT: You are being carried out.
ACTION: Find out if you are being taken to another bar
SYMPTOM: Room seems unusually dark.
FAULT: Bar has closed.
ACTION: Confirm home address with bartender, take taxi home.
SYMPTOM: Taxi's interior suddenly takes on colorful aspect and textures.
FAULT: Beer consumption has exceeded personal limitations.
ACTION: Cover mouth.
SYMPTOM: Everyone looks up to you and smiles.
FAULT: You are dancing on the table.
ACTION: Fall on somebody cushy-looking.
SYMPTOM: Hands hurts, nose hurts, mind unusually clear.
FAULT: You have been in a fight.
ACTION: Apologize to everyone you see, just in case it was them.
SYMPTOM: Your singing sounds distorted.
FAULT: The beer is too weak.
ACTION: Have more beer until your voice improves.
SYMPTOM: Don't remember the words to the song.
FAULT: Beer is just right.
ACTION: Play air guitar.
SYMPTOM: Ugly woman in your sights.
FAULT: Insufficient beer intake.
ACTION: Up the dosage.
SYMPTOM: Shins and toes hurt.
FAULT: You've been walking into things.
ACTION: Maintain dosage.
SYMPTOM: Bed is bumping around.
FAULT: Taking an ambulance ride.
ACTION: It's too late, you made an ass of yourself.
Mr_Ph00ey2u
Reply #1056 Saturday, June 7, 2003 8:13 AM
Reply #1056 Saturday, June 7, 2003 8:13 AM
The Cruise
A young man wanted to take his girl friend on a seven day boat cruise but the travel agent only had a three day cruise available. He signed up for it, went to a nearby drug store, bought three Dramamine
capsules (a drug used to combat sea sickness) and three condoms. The next day he got a call from the travel agent who now had a five day cruise available. He switched to it, stopped by the same drugstore, bought two more Dramamine capsules and two more condoms. No sooner had he returned home when he got another call from the travel agent saying there had been a cancellation and the full seven day cruise was available. He was delighted and booked that cruise. He went back to the drug store, bought two more Dramamine capsules and condoms.
The pharmacist had a puzzled look on his face and said, "I just don't get it. If it makes you sick, why do you continue to do it?"
A young man wanted to take his girl friend on a seven day boat cruise but the travel agent only had a three day cruise available. He signed up for it, went to a nearby drug store, bought three Dramamine
capsules (a drug used to combat sea sickness) and three condoms. The next day he got a call from the travel agent who now had a five day cruise available. He switched to it, stopped by the same drugstore, bought two more Dramamine capsules and two more condoms. No sooner had he returned home when he got another call from the travel agent saying there had been a cancellation and the full seven day cruise was available. He was delighted and booked that cruise. He went back to the drug store, bought two more Dramamine capsules and condoms.
The pharmacist had a puzzled look on his face and said, "I just don't get it. If it makes you sick, why do you continue to do it?"
Mr_Ph00ey2u
Reply #1057 Sunday, June 8, 2003 9:23 AM
Reply #1057 Sunday, June 8, 2003 9:23 AM
Words to Work By
The first 90% of a project takes 90% of the time, the last 10% takes the other 90% of the time.
If at first you don't succeed, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it.
The more crap you put up with, the more crap you are going to get.
Keep your boss's boss off your boss's back.
If you can't get your work done in the first 24 hours, work nights.
A pat on the back is only a few centimeters from a kick in the butt.
Don't be irreplaceable, if you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.
It doesn't matter what you do, it only matters what you say you've done and what you're going to do.
After any salary raise, you will have less money at the end of the month than you did before.
You can go anywhere you want if you look serious and carry a clipboard.
Eat one live toad the first thing in the morning and nothing worse will happen to you the rest of the day.
When the bosses talk about improving productivity, they are never talking about themselves.
There will always be beer cans rolling on the floor of your car when the boss asks for a ride home from the office.
Everything can be filed under "Miscellaneous."
Never delay the ending of a meeting or the beginning of a cocktail hour.
To err is human, to forgive is not our policy.
Anyone can do any amount of work provided it isn't the work he/she is supposed to be doing.
Important letters that contain no errors will develop errors in the mail.
If you are good, you will be assigned all the work. If you are really good, you will get out of it.
You are always doing something marginal when the boss drops by your desk.
People who go to conferences are the ones who shouldn't.
If it wasn't for the last minute, nothing would get done.
At work, the authority of a person is inversely proportional to the number of pens that person is carrying.
When you don't know what to do, walk fast and look worried.
Following the rules will not get the job done.
Getting the job done is no excuse for not following the rules.
When confronted by a difficult problem you can solve it more easily by reducing it to the question, "How would the Lone Ranger handle this?"
No matter how much you do, you never do enough.
The last person that quit or was fired will be held responsible for everything that goes wrong.
The first 90% of a project takes 90% of the time, the last 10% takes the other 90% of the time.
If at first you don't succeed, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it.
The more crap you put up with, the more crap you are going to get.
Keep your boss's boss off your boss's back.
If you can't get your work done in the first 24 hours, work nights.
A pat on the back is only a few centimeters from a kick in the butt.
Don't be irreplaceable, if you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.
It doesn't matter what you do, it only matters what you say you've done and what you're going to do.
After any salary raise, you will have less money at the end of the month than you did before.
You can go anywhere you want if you look serious and carry a clipboard.
Eat one live toad the first thing in the morning and nothing worse will happen to you the rest of the day.
When the bosses talk about improving productivity, they are never talking about themselves.
There will always be beer cans rolling on the floor of your car when the boss asks for a ride home from the office.
Everything can be filed under "Miscellaneous."
Never delay the ending of a meeting or the beginning of a cocktail hour.
To err is human, to forgive is not our policy.
Anyone can do any amount of work provided it isn't the work he/she is supposed to be doing.
Important letters that contain no errors will develop errors in the mail.
If you are good, you will be assigned all the work. If you are really good, you will get out of it.
You are always doing something marginal when the boss drops by your desk.
People who go to conferences are the ones who shouldn't.
If it wasn't for the last minute, nothing would get done.
At work, the authority of a person is inversely proportional to the number of pens that person is carrying.
When you don't know what to do, walk fast and look worried.
Following the rules will not get the job done.
Getting the job done is no excuse for not following the rules.
When confronted by a difficult problem you can solve it more easily by reducing it to the question, "How would the Lone Ranger handle this?"
No matter how much you do, you never do enough.
The last person that quit or was fired will be held responsible for everything that goes wrong.
Mr_Ph00ey2u
Reply #1058 Monday, June 9, 2003 3:52 AM
Reply #1058 Monday, June 9, 2003 3:52 AM
Funny Married Names
What would Bo Derek be called if she married Don Ho? Bo Ho
If Yoko Ono married Sonny Bono, she'd be Yoko Ono Bono.
If Ella Fitzgerald married Darth Vader, she'd be Ella Vader.
("Going up?")
If Oprah Winfrey married Depak Chopra, she'd be Oprah Chopra.
If Cat Stevens married Snoop Doggy Dogg, he'd be Cat Doggy Dogg.
If Olivia Newton-John married Wayne Newton, then divorced him to marry Elton John, she'd be Olivia Newton-John Newton John.
("Sorry Ma'am, what was your name again?")
If Sondra Locke married Elliott Ness, then divorced him to marry Herman Munster, she'd become Sondra Locke Ness Munster.
If Bea Arthur married Sting, she'd be Bea Sting.
("Double Ouch!")
If Tuesday Weld married Hal March III, she'd be Tuesday March 3.
If Liv Ullman married Judge Lance Ito, then divorced him and married Jerry Mathers, she'd be Liv Ito Beaver.
If Snoop Doggy Dogg married Winnie the Pooh, he'd be Snoop Doggy Dogg Pooh.
How about a baseball marriage? If Boog Powell married Felipe Alou, he'd be Boog Alou.
If G. Gordon Liddy married Boutros-Boutros Ghali, then divorced him to marry Kenny G., he'd be G. Ghali G.
Nog (Related to Quark on "Star Trek: Deep Space Nine") has no other name, so he uses it twice when getting a marriage license. If he married Howard Hughes, and then Pamela Dare, he'd be Nog Nog Hughes Dare.
If Jack Handy (SNL writer) married Andy Capp, then married Jack Paar, then moved on to Stephen King, he'd be Jack Handy Capp Paar King.
If Woody Allen married Natalie Wood, divorced her and married Gregory Peck, divorced him and married Ben Hur, he'd be Woody Wood Peck Hur.
If Ivana Trump married, in succession, Orson Bean (actor), King Oscar (of Norway), Louis B. Mayer (of MGM), and Norbert Wiener (mathematician), she would then be Ivana Bean Oscar Mayer Wiener.
What would Bo Derek be called if she married Don Ho? Bo Ho
If Yoko Ono married Sonny Bono, she'd be Yoko Ono Bono.
If Ella Fitzgerald married Darth Vader, she'd be Ella Vader.
("Going up?")
If Oprah Winfrey married Depak Chopra, she'd be Oprah Chopra.
If Cat Stevens married Snoop Doggy Dogg, he'd be Cat Doggy Dogg.
If Olivia Newton-John married Wayne Newton, then divorced him to marry Elton John, she'd be Olivia Newton-John Newton John.
("Sorry Ma'am, what was your name again?")
If Sondra Locke married Elliott Ness, then divorced him to marry Herman Munster, she'd become Sondra Locke Ness Munster.
If Bea Arthur married Sting, she'd be Bea Sting.
("Double Ouch!")
If Tuesday Weld married Hal March III, she'd be Tuesday March 3.
If Liv Ullman married Judge Lance Ito, then divorced him and married Jerry Mathers, she'd be Liv Ito Beaver.
If Snoop Doggy Dogg married Winnie the Pooh, he'd be Snoop Doggy Dogg Pooh.
How about a baseball marriage? If Boog Powell married Felipe Alou, he'd be Boog Alou.
If G. Gordon Liddy married Boutros-Boutros Ghali, then divorced him to marry Kenny G., he'd be G. Ghali G.
Nog (Related to Quark on "Star Trek: Deep Space Nine") has no other name, so he uses it twice when getting a marriage license. If he married Howard Hughes, and then Pamela Dare, he'd be Nog Nog Hughes Dare.
If Jack Handy (SNL writer) married Andy Capp, then married Jack Paar, then moved on to Stephen King, he'd be Jack Handy Capp Paar King.
If Woody Allen married Natalie Wood, divorced her and married Gregory Peck, divorced him and married Ben Hur, he'd be Woody Wood Peck Hur.
If Ivana Trump married, in succession, Orson Bean (actor), King Oscar (of Norway), Louis B. Mayer (of MGM), and Norbert Wiener (mathematician), she would then be Ivana Bean Oscar Mayer Wiener.
BoBoMoe
Reply #1059 Monday, June 9, 2003 9:02 AM
Reply #1059 Monday, June 9, 2003 9:02 AM
An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a "Curse" he
has been living with for the last 40 years. The Wizard says "Maybe, but
you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse
on you." The old man says without hesitation, "I now pronounce you man
and wife."
John was on his deathbed and gasped pitifully. "Give me one last request
Dear," he said. "Of course, John," his wife said softly. "Six months
after I die," he said, "I want you to marry Joe." "But I thought you
hated Joe," she said. With his last breath, John said, "I do!"
has been living with for the last 40 years. The Wizard says "Maybe, but
you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse
on you." The old man says without hesitation, "I now pronounce you man
and wife."
John was on his deathbed and gasped pitifully. "Give me one last request
Dear," he said. "Of course, John," his wife said softly. "Six months
after I die," he said, "I want you to marry Joe." "But I thought you
hated Joe," she said. With his last breath, John said, "I do!"
werewolf
Reply #1060 Monday, June 9, 2003 9:15 AM
Reply #1060 Monday, June 9, 2003 9:15 AM
Why parents get gray....
The boss of a big company needed to call one of his employees about an
urgent problem with one of the main computers, dialed the employee's
home phone number and was greeted with a child's whisper, "Hello."
"Is your daddy home?" he asked. "Yes," whispered the small voice. "May
I talk with him?" The child whispered, "No."
Surprised, and wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, "Is
your mommy there?" "Yes."
"May I talk with her?" Again the small voice whispered, "No."
Hoping there was somebody with whom he could leave a message, the
boss asked, "Is anybody else there?" "Yes," whispered the child,
"a policeman."
Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the
boss asked, "May I speak with the policeman?" "No, he's busy", whispered
the child.
"Busy doing what?" "Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the Fireman",
came the whispered answer.
Growing concerned and even worried as he heard what sounded like a
helicopter through the earpiece on the phone the boss asked, "What is that noise?" "A hello-copper" answered the whispering voice.
"What is going on there?" asked the boss, now alarmed. In an
awed whispering voice the child answered, "The search team just landed the hello-copper."
Alarmed, concerned, and even more then just a little frustrated the boss
asked, "What are they searching for?"
Still whispering, the young voice replied along with a muffled giggle:
"ME."
The boss of a big company needed to call one of his employees about an
urgent problem with one of the main computers, dialed the employee's
home phone number and was greeted with a child's whisper, "Hello."
"Is your daddy home?" he asked. "Yes," whispered the small voice. "May
I talk with him?" The child whispered, "No."
Surprised, and wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, "Is
your mommy there?" "Yes."
"May I talk with her?" Again the small voice whispered, "No."
Hoping there was somebody with whom he could leave a message, the
boss asked, "Is anybody else there?" "Yes," whispered the child,
"a policeman."
Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the
boss asked, "May I speak with the policeman?" "No, he's busy", whispered
the child.
"Busy doing what?" "Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the Fireman",
came the whispered answer.
Growing concerned and even worried as he heard what sounded like a
helicopter through the earpiece on the phone the boss asked, "What is that noise?" "A hello-copper" answered the whispering voice.
"What is going on there?" asked the boss, now alarmed. In an
awed whispering voice the child answered, "The search team just landed the hello-copper."
Alarmed, concerned, and even more then just a little frustrated the boss
asked, "What are they searching for?"
Still whispering, the young voice replied along with a muffled giggle:
"ME."
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Reply #1041 Tuesday, June 3, 2003 9:09 AM