Messageboard Joke Marathon
Sunday, January 19, 2003 by Mr_Ph00ey2u | Discussion: WinCustomize Talk
Ok...bring on your best or worst but leave everyone laughing 
Joke Rulez
1. Let's keep them PG. WC is a Family Place.
2. Links to Funny Pics or Flash files are welcome.
3. Throwing fruit and veggies at bad jokes is encouraged!
Joke Rulez
1. Let's keep them PG. WC is a Family Place.
2. Links to Funny Pics or Flash files are welcome.
3. Throwing fruit and veggies at bad jokes is encouraged!
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Mr_Ph00ey2u
Reply #1022 Tuesday, May 27, 2003 12:46 PM
Reply #1022 Tuesday, May 27, 2003 12:46 PM
The Top 14 Signs You're Dead
14> Goth chicks are diggin' your look.
13> "Weekend at Bernie's" just isn't as funny as it used to be.
12> Only necrophiliacs answer your personal ad.
11> A federal agent is prying your gun from your cold hands.
10> Last thing you remember is beaming down to that planet in your red security uniform.
9> An announcer screams, "The Cubs win the World Series!"
8> Haley Joel Osment has been following you all day saying, "I see... you."
7> You're the rankest smelling thing in a Parisian cheese shop.
6> You have a vague recollection of saying, "Watch this! I saw it on 'Jackass'!"
5> Your entrepreneurial son opens you up as a bait shop.
4> Overwhelming desire to feast on the flesh of the living.
(Also a sign you may be Don King.)
3> You're one of the *thin* Kennedys.
2> Anna Nicole Smith is hugging, crying, and kissing you as never before.
and the Number 1 Sign You're Dead...
1> Album sales up 35%!
14> Goth chicks are diggin' your look.
13> "Weekend at Bernie's" just isn't as funny as it used to be.
12> Only necrophiliacs answer your personal ad.
11> A federal agent is prying your gun from your cold hands.
10> Last thing you remember is beaming down to that planet in your red security uniform.
9> An announcer screams, "The Cubs win the World Series!"
8> Haley Joel Osment has been following you all day saying, "I see... you."
7> You're the rankest smelling thing in a Parisian cheese shop.
6> You have a vague recollection of saying, "Watch this! I saw it on 'Jackass'!"
5> Your entrepreneurial son opens you up as a bait shop.
4> Overwhelming desire to feast on the flesh of the living.
(Also a sign you may be Don King.)
3> You're one of the *thin* Kennedys.
2> Anna Nicole Smith is hugging, crying, and kissing you as never before.
and the Number 1 Sign You're Dead...
1> Album sales up 35%!
Styl-X Design
Reply #1023 Tuesday, May 27, 2003 2:22 PM
Reply #1023 Tuesday, May 27, 2003 2:22 PM
Blonde lumberjack
This blonde woman went to Canada to seek her fortune as a lumberjack. She met a foreman of a logging organization who offered to give her a job.
"Now I hope you realize we expect you to cut down at least 100 trees a day," the foreman told her. The blonde woman didn't see this as a problem, so she went out with the Chainsaw and did her best.
She came back sweating like a pig. ''Christ, how many trees did you cut down?'' asked the foreman.
''6'' she replied.
''What!? You have to do beter than that. Get up earlier tommorow.'' The foreman said. So she did. Out she went with the chainsaw, she came back that night exhausted.
'How many this time?'' asked the foreman.
''12'' she said.
The foreman says, ''That does it. I'm coming out there with you tommorow morning.''
The next morning, the foreman reaches the first tree and says, ''This is how to cut down trees really quickly.'' He pulls the rope on the chainsaw and it gives off a loud BRRRRRRUM. He notices the blonde is looking at him frantically. So he asks her what's wrong. She replies, ''What the hell is that?'''
This blonde woman went to Canada to seek her fortune as a lumberjack. She met a foreman of a logging organization who offered to give her a job.
"Now I hope you realize we expect you to cut down at least 100 trees a day," the foreman told her. The blonde woman didn't see this as a problem, so she went out with the Chainsaw and did her best.
She came back sweating like a pig. ''Christ, how many trees did you cut down?'' asked the foreman.
''6'' she replied.
''What!? You have to do beter than that. Get up earlier tommorow.'' The foreman said. So she did. Out she went with the chainsaw, she came back that night exhausted.
'How many this time?'' asked the foreman.
''12'' she said.
The foreman says, ''That does it. I'm coming out there with you tommorow morning.''
The next morning, the foreman reaches the first tree and says, ''This is how to cut down trees really quickly.'' He pulls the rope on the chainsaw and it gives off a loud BRRRRRRUM. He notices the blonde is looking at him frantically. So he asks her what's wrong. She replies, ''What the hell is that?'''
BoBoMoe
Reply #1024 Wednesday, May 28, 2003 8:28 AM
Reply #1024 Wednesday, May 28, 2003 8:28 AM
You know she has PMS when she...
stops reading Glamour and starts reading Guns and Ammo.
considers chocolate a major FDA food group.
puts on one of those pads with "wings," then flies off the roof laughing hysterically while riding a broom.
develops a new talent for spinning her head around in 360 degree circles.
retains more water than Lake Superior.
denies she's in a bad mood as she pops a clip into her semiautomatic and "chambers one."
buys you a new T-shirt --- with a bulls-eye on the front.
orders 3 Big Macs, 4 large fries, a bucket of Chicken McNuggets, and then mauls the manager because they're out of Diet Coke.
stops reading Glamour and starts reading Guns and Ammo.
considers chocolate a major FDA food group.
puts on one of those pads with "wings," then flies off the roof laughing hysterically while riding a broom.
develops a new talent for spinning her head around in 360 degree circles.
retains more water than Lake Superior.
denies she's in a bad mood as she pops a clip into her semiautomatic and "chambers one."
buys you a new T-shirt --- with a bulls-eye on the front.
orders 3 Big Macs, 4 large fries, a bucket of Chicken McNuggets, and then mauls the manager because they're out of Diet Coke.
Mr_Ph00ey2u
Reply #1025 Friday, May 30, 2003 3:51 AM
Reply #1025 Friday, May 30, 2003 3:51 AM
A church lady's experience:
The other day I went up to a local Christian bookstore and saw a "honk if you love Jesus bumper sticker."
I was feeling particularly sassy that day because I had just come from a thrilling choir performance,
followed by a thunderous prayer meeting, so I bought the sticker and put in on my bumper.
I was stopped at a red light at a busy intersection, just lost in thought about the Lord and how good He is
and I didn't notice that the light had changed.
It is a good thing someone else loves Jesus because if he hadn't honked, I'd never have noticed.
I found that LOTS of people love Jesus! while I was sitting there, the guy behind started honking like
crazy, and when he leaned out of his window and screamed, "for the love of God, GO! GO!" What an exuberant cheerleader he was for Jesus.
Everyone started honking! I just leaned out of my window and started waving and smiling at all these
loving people.
I even honked my horn a few times to share in the love. There must have been a man from Florida back
there because I heard him yelling something about a sunny beach...
I saw another guy waving in a funny way with only his middle finger stuck up in the air. When I asked
my teenage grandson in the back seat what that meant, he said that it was probably a Hawaiian good luck
sign or something.
Well, I've never met anyone from Hawaii, so I leaned out the window and gave him the good luck sign back.
My grandson burst out laughing, why even he was enjoying this religious experience.
A couple of the people were so caught up in the joy of the moment that they got out of their cars and started
walking towards me.
I bet they wanted to pray or ask what church I attended, but this is when I noticed the light had changed.
So, I waved to all my sisters and brothers grinning, and drove on through the intersection.
I noticed I was the only car that got through the intersection before the light changed again and I felt
kind of sad that I had to leave them after all the love we had shared, so I slowed the car down, leaned out of
the window and gave them all the Hawaiian good luck sign one last time as I drove away.
Praise the Lord for such wonderful folks!
The other day I went up to a local Christian bookstore and saw a "honk if you love Jesus bumper sticker."
I was feeling particularly sassy that day because I had just come from a thrilling choir performance,
followed by a thunderous prayer meeting, so I bought the sticker and put in on my bumper.
I was stopped at a red light at a busy intersection, just lost in thought about the Lord and how good He is
and I didn't notice that the light had changed.
It is a good thing someone else loves Jesus because if he hadn't honked, I'd never have noticed.
I found that LOTS of people love Jesus! while I was sitting there, the guy behind started honking like
crazy, and when he leaned out of his window and screamed, "for the love of God, GO! GO!" What an exuberant cheerleader he was for Jesus.
Everyone started honking! I just leaned out of my window and started waving and smiling at all these
loving people.
I even honked my horn a few times to share in the love. There must have been a man from Florida back
there because I heard him yelling something about a sunny beach...
I saw another guy waving in a funny way with only his middle finger stuck up in the air. When I asked
my teenage grandson in the back seat what that meant, he said that it was probably a Hawaiian good luck
sign or something.
Well, I've never met anyone from Hawaii, so I leaned out the window and gave him the good luck sign back.
My grandson burst out laughing, why even he was enjoying this religious experience.
A couple of the people were so caught up in the joy of the moment that they got out of their cars and started
walking towards me.
I bet they wanted to pray or ask what church I attended, but this is when I noticed the light had changed.
So, I waved to all my sisters and brothers grinning, and drove on through the intersection.
I noticed I was the only car that got through the intersection before the light changed again and I felt
kind of sad that I had to leave them after all the love we had shared, so I slowed the car down, leaned out of
the window and gave them all the Hawaiian good luck sign one last time as I drove away.
Praise the Lord for such wonderful folks!
CerebroJD
Reply #1027 Friday, May 30, 2003 5:47 AM
Reply #1027 Friday, May 30, 2003 5:47 AM
Thats a good one!
Hehe
| I slowed the car down, leaned out ofthe window and gave them all the Hawaiian good luck sign one last time as I drove away. |
Hehe
Kimbabe
Reply #1028 Friday, May 30, 2003 11:46 AM That was a good one, Ph00ey! I think I know that lady too! I've been offline for almost 2 weeks changing isp's, ugh! 
An Illinois man left the snowballed streets of Chicago for a vacation in Florida. His wife was on a business trip and was planning to meet him there the next day. When he reached his hotel, he decided to send his wife a quick e-mail.
Unable to find the scrap of paper on which he had written her e-mail
address, he did his best to type it in from memory. Unfortunately, he missed one letter, and his note was directed instead to an elderly preacher's wife whose husband had passed away only the day before.
When the grieving widow checked her e-mail, she took one look at the
monitor, let out a piercing scream, and fell to the floor dead.
At the sound, her family rushed into the room and saw this note on the screen:
Dearest Wife,
Just got checked in. Everything prepared for your arrival tomorrow.
Your Loving Husband.
P.S. Sure is hot down here.
*Kim*
Reply #1028 Friday, May 30, 2003 11:46 AM
That was a good one, Ph00ey! I think I know that lady too! I've been offline for almost 2 weeks changing isp's, ugh! 
An Illinois man left the snowballed streets of Chicago for a vacation in Florida. His wife was on a business trip and was planning to meet him there the next day. When he reached his hotel, he decided to send his wife a quick e-mail.
Unable to find the scrap of paper on which he had written her e-mail
address, he did his best to type it in from memory. Unfortunately, he missed one letter, and his note was directed instead to an elderly preacher's wife whose husband had passed away only the day before.
When the grieving widow checked her e-mail, she took one look at the
monitor, let out a piercing scream, and fell to the floor dead.
At the sound, her family rushed into the room and saw this note on the screen:
Dearest Wife,
Just got checked in. Everything prepared for your arrival tomorrow.
Your Loving Husband.
P.S. Sure is hot down here.
*Kim*
Mr_Ph00ey2u
Reply #1030 Friday, May 30, 2003 4:39 PM
Reply #1030 Friday, May 30, 2003 4:39 PM
Old Couple Pulled Over
An elderly couple was driving across the country. While the woman was behind the wheel, the couple was pulled over by the highway patrol.
"Ma'am, did you know you were speeding?" the officer said.
The woman, hard of hearing, turned to her husband and asked, "What did he say?"
"He said you were speeding!" the old man yelled.
The patrolman then asked, "May I see your license?"
The woman turned to her husband again, "What did he say?"
The old man yelled back, "He wants to see your license!"
The woman then gave the officer her license.
"I see you are from Arkansas," the patrolman said. "I spent some time there once and went on a blind date with the ugliest woman I've ever seen."
The woman turned to her husband again and asked, "What did he say?"
The old man replied, "He said he knows you!"
An elderly couple was driving across the country. While the woman was behind the wheel, the couple was pulled over by the highway patrol.
"Ma'am, did you know you were speeding?" the officer said.
The woman, hard of hearing, turned to her husband and asked, "What did he say?"
"He said you were speeding!" the old man yelled.
The patrolman then asked, "May I see your license?"
The woman turned to her husband again, "What did he say?"
The old man yelled back, "He wants to see your license!"
The woman then gave the officer her license.
"I see you are from Arkansas," the patrolman said. "I spent some time there once and went on a blind date with the ugliest woman I've ever seen."
The woman turned to her husband again and asked, "What did he say?"
The old man replied, "He said he knows you!"
Mr_Ph00ey2u
Reply #1031 Saturday, May 31, 2003 6:52 PM
ACCIDENTAL ACCIDENT REPORTS
1. Coming home I drove into the wrong house and collided with a tree I don't have.
2. The other car collided with mine without giving warning of its intent.
3. I collided with a stationary truck coming the other way.
4. In my attempt to kill a fly, I drove into a telephone pole.
5. I had been shopping for plants all day and was on my way home. As I reached an intersection, a hedge sprang up, obscuring my vision and I did not see the other car.
6. I had been driving for forty years when I fell asleep at the wheel and had an accident.
7. I was on my way to the doctor with rear end trouble when my universal joint gave way causing me to have an accident.
8. My car was legally parked as it backed into the other vehicle.
9. As I approached the intersection a sign suddenly appeared in a place where no sign had ever appeared before, making me unable to avoid the accident.
10. I told the police I was not injured, but upon removing my hair, I found that I had a fractured skull.
11. I was sure the old fellow would never make it to the other side of the road when I struck him.
12. I saw a slow-moving, sad-faced old gentleman as he bounced off the hood of my car.
13. The indirect cause of the accident was a little guy in a small car with a big mouth.
14. I was thrown from my car as it left the road, and was later found in a ditch by some stray cows.
15. A pedestrian hit me and went under my car.
16. I thought my window was down, but I found out it was up when I put my head through it.
17. To avoid hitting the bumper of the car in front, I struck the pedestrian.
18. The guy was all over the road. I had to swerve a number of times before I hit him.
19. The pedestrian had no idea which way to run, so I ran over him.
20. An invisible car came out of nowhere, struck my car and vanished.
21. A truck backed through my windshield into my wife's face.
22. I pulled away from the side of the road, glanced at my mother-in-law, and headed over the embankment.
Reply #1031 Saturday, May 31, 2003 6:52 PM
ACCIDENTAL ACCIDENT REPORTS
1. Coming home I drove into the wrong house and collided with a tree I don't have.
2. The other car collided with mine without giving warning of its intent.
3. I collided with a stationary truck coming the other way.
4. In my attempt to kill a fly, I drove into a telephone pole.
5. I had been shopping for plants all day and was on my way home. As I reached an intersection, a hedge sprang up, obscuring my vision and I did not see the other car.
6. I had been driving for forty years when I fell asleep at the wheel and had an accident.
7. I was on my way to the doctor with rear end trouble when my universal joint gave way causing me to have an accident.
8. My car was legally parked as it backed into the other vehicle.
9. As I approached the intersection a sign suddenly appeared in a place where no sign had ever appeared before, making me unable to avoid the accident.
10. I told the police I was not injured, but upon removing my hair, I found that I had a fractured skull.
11. I was sure the old fellow would never make it to the other side of the road when I struck him.
12. I saw a slow-moving, sad-faced old gentleman as he bounced off the hood of my car.
13. The indirect cause of the accident was a little guy in a small car with a big mouth.
14. I was thrown from my car as it left the road, and was later found in a ditch by some stray cows.
15. A pedestrian hit me and went under my car.
16. I thought my window was down, but I found out it was up when I put my head through it.
17. To avoid hitting the bumper of the car in front, I struck the pedestrian.
18. The guy was all over the road. I had to swerve a number of times before I hit him.
19. The pedestrian had no idea which way to run, so I ran over him.
20. An invisible car came out of nowhere, struck my car and vanished.
21. A truck backed through my windshield into my wife's face.
22. I pulled away from the side of the road, glanced at my mother-in-law, and headed over the embankment.
Mr_Ph00ey2u
Reply #1032 Sunday, June 1, 2003 10:00 AM
Reply #1032 Sunday, June 1, 2003 10:00 AM
Martha Stewart's Tips For Rednecks
1. Never take a beer to a job interview.
2. Always identify people in your yard before shooting at them.
3. It's considered tacky to take a cooler to church.
4. If you have to vacuum the bed, it is time to change the sheets.
5. Even if you're certain that you are included in the will, it is still considered tacky to drive a U-Haul to the funeral home.
DINING OUT
1. When decanting wine, make sure that you tilt the paper cup, and pour slowly so as not to "bruise" the fruit of the vine.
2. If drinking directly from the bottle, always hold it with your fingers covering the label.
ENTERTAINING IN YOUR HOME
1. A centerpiece for the table should never be anything prepared by a taxidermist.
2. Do not allow the dog to eat from the table...no matter how good his manners are.
PERSONAL HYGIENE
1. While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this is a job that should be done in private using one's OWN truck keys.
2. Proper use of toiletries can forestall bathing for several days. However, if you live alone, deodorant is a waste of good money.
3. Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a social no-no, as they tend to detract from a woman's jewelry and alter the taste of finger foods.
DATING (Outside the Family)
1. Always offer to bait your date's hook, especially on the first date.
2. Be aggressive. Let her know you're interested: "I've been wanting to go out with you since I read that stuff on the bathroom wall two years ago."
3. Establish with her parents what time she is expected back. Some will say 10:00 PM; others might say "Monday." If the latter is the answer, it is the man's responsibility to get her to school on time.
THEATER ETIQUETTE
1. Crying babies should be taken to the lobby and picked up immediately after the movie has ended.
2. Refrain from talking to characters on the screen. Tests have proven they can't hear you.
WEDDINGS
1. Livestock is usually a poor choice for a wedding gift.
2. Kissing the bride for more than 5 seconds may get you shot.
3. For the groom, at least, rent a tux. A leisure suit with a cummerbund and clean bowling shirt can create a tacky appearance.
4. Though uncomfortable, say "yes" to socks and shoes for this special occasion.
DRIVING ETIQUETTE
1. Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles; even if the gun is loaded and the deer is in sight.
2. When approaching a four-way stop, the vehicle with the largest tires always has the right of way.
3. Never tow another car using panty hose and duct tape.
4. When sending your wife down the road with a gas can, it is impolite to ask her to bring back beer too.
5. Do not lay rubber while traveling in a funeral procession.
1. Never take a beer to a job interview.
2. Always identify people in your yard before shooting at them.
3. It's considered tacky to take a cooler to church.
4. If you have to vacuum the bed, it is time to change the sheets.
5. Even if you're certain that you are included in the will, it is still considered tacky to drive a U-Haul to the funeral home.
DINING OUT
1. When decanting wine, make sure that you tilt the paper cup, and pour slowly so as not to "bruise" the fruit of the vine.
2. If drinking directly from the bottle, always hold it with your fingers covering the label.
ENTERTAINING IN YOUR HOME
1. A centerpiece for the table should never be anything prepared by a taxidermist.
2. Do not allow the dog to eat from the table...no matter how good his manners are.
PERSONAL HYGIENE
1. While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this is a job that should be done in private using one's OWN truck keys.
2. Proper use of toiletries can forestall bathing for several days. However, if you live alone, deodorant is a waste of good money.
3. Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a social no-no, as they tend to detract from a woman's jewelry and alter the taste of finger foods.
DATING (Outside the Family)
1. Always offer to bait your date's hook, especially on the first date.
2. Be aggressive. Let her know you're interested: "I've been wanting to go out with you since I read that stuff on the bathroom wall two years ago."
3. Establish with her parents what time she is expected back. Some will say 10:00 PM; others might say "Monday." If the latter is the answer, it is the man's responsibility to get her to school on time.
THEATER ETIQUETTE
1. Crying babies should be taken to the lobby and picked up immediately after the movie has ended.
2. Refrain from talking to characters on the screen. Tests have proven they can't hear you.
WEDDINGS
1. Livestock is usually a poor choice for a wedding gift.
2. Kissing the bride for more than 5 seconds may get you shot.
3. For the groom, at least, rent a tux. A leisure suit with a cummerbund and clean bowling shirt can create a tacky appearance.
4. Though uncomfortable, say "yes" to socks and shoes for this special occasion.
DRIVING ETIQUETTE
1. Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles; even if the gun is loaded and the deer is in sight.
2. When approaching a four-way stop, the vehicle with the largest tires always has the right of way.
3. Never tow another car using panty hose and duct tape.
4. When sending your wife down the road with a gas can, it is impolite to ask her to bring back beer too.
5. Do not lay rubber while traveling in a funeral procession.
BoBoMoe
Reply #1034 Monday, June 2, 2003 9:11 AM
Reply #1034 Monday, June 2, 2003 9:11 AM
"How To Know You're Growing Older"
Everything hurts and what doesn't hurt, doesn't work.
The gleam in your eyes is from the sun hitting your bifocals.
You feel like the morning after, and you haven't been anywhere.
Your little black book contains only names ending in M.D.
You get winded playing chess.
Your children begin to look middle aged.
You finally reach the top of the ladder, and find it leaning against the wrong wall.
You join a health club and don't go.
You decide to procrastinate but then never get around to it.
Your mind makes contracts your body can't meet.
You need glasses... to find your teeth.
A dripping faucet causes an uncontrollable bladder urge.
You know all the answers, but nobody asks you the questions.
You look forward to a dull evening.
You walk with your head held high trying to get use to your bifocals.
Your favorite part of the newspaper is "25 Years Ago Today."
You turn out the light for economic rather than romantic reasons.
You sit in a rocking chair and can't make it go.
Everything hurts and what doesn't hurt, doesn't work.
The gleam in your eyes is from the sun hitting your bifocals.
You feel like the morning after, and you haven't been anywhere.
Your little black book contains only names ending in M.D.
You get winded playing chess.
Your children begin to look middle aged.
You finally reach the top of the ladder, and find it leaning against the wrong wall.
You join a health club and don't go.
You decide to procrastinate but then never get around to it.
Your mind makes contracts your body can't meet.
You need glasses... to find your teeth.
A dripping faucet causes an uncontrollable bladder urge.
You know all the answers, but nobody asks you the questions.
You look forward to a dull evening.
You walk with your head held high trying to get use to your bifocals.
Your favorite part of the newspaper is "25 Years Ago Today."
You turn out the light for economic rather than romantic reasons.
You sit in a rocking chair and can't make it go.
Mr_Ph00ey2u
Reply #1035 Monday, June 2, 2003 5:20 PM
Reply #1035 Monday, June 2, 2003 5:20 PM
Got Any Duck Food
One day a convenience store worker was sitting not doing much. At 2 o'clock the doors swing open and a duck walks in.
"Do you have any duck food?" the duck asks.
"No we don't have any duck food."
"Okay, thanks anyway", says the duck, and walks out.
The next day at 2 o'clock the doors swing open again, and the same duck walks in.
"Got any duck food?" he asks.
The clerk is a little annoyed "No! We don't have any duck food!"
"Fine." the duck says and walks out.
The third day at 2 o'clock the doors swing open and the duck walks in and asks "Got any duck food?"
By now the clerk so getting very annoyed: "No" he yells "We don't have any duck food! We didn't have any yesterday don't have any today and we wont have any tomorrow! And if you come in here again and ask if we have
and duck food I'll nail your little web feet to the floor!!!!"
All the duck does is turn and walk out the door.
On the forth day at 2 o'clock the doors swing open and the duck walks in... "Got any nails?" the duck asks.
"No we don't have nails."
"Well then," the duck says "got any duck food?"
Hey! No throwing non-vegetable items!
One day a convenience store worker was sitting not doing much. At 2 o'clock the doors swing open and a duck walks in.
"Do you have any duck food?" the duck asks.
"No we don't have any duck food."
"Okay, thanks anyway", says the duck, and walks out.
The next day at 2 o'clock the doors swing open again, and the same duck walks in.
"Got any duck food?" he asks.
The clerk is a little annoyed "No! We don't have any duck food!"
"Fine." the duck says and walks out.
The third day at 2 o'clock the doors swing open and the duck walks in and asks "Got any duck food?"
By now the clerk so getting very annoyed: "No" he yells "We don't have any duck food! We didn't have any yesterday don't have any today and we wont have any tomorrow! And if you come in here again and ask if we have
and duck food I'll nail your little web feet to the floor!!!!"
All the duck does is turn and walk out the door.
On the forth day at 2 o'clock the doors swing open and the duck walks in... "Got any nails?" the duck asks.
"No we don't have nails."
"Well then," the duck says "got any duck food?"
Hey! No throwing non-vegetable items!
Mr_Ph00ey2u
Reply #1037 Tuesday, June 3, 2003 4:18 AM
Reply #1037 Tuesday, June 3, 2003 4:18 AM
At Heathrow, a 300-foot red carpet is stretched out to Air Force One and
President Bush strides to a warm but dignified handshake from Queen
Elizabeth II.
They ride in a silver 1934 Bentley limousine to the edge of central London
where they board an open 17th century coach hitched to six magnificent white
matching horses. As they ride toward Buckingham Palace, each looking
sideways and waving to the thousands of cheering Britons lining the streets,
all is going well.
But suddenly the right rear horse lets fly with the most horrendous earth
rending, eye smarting blast of gastronomic flatulence ever heard in the
British Empire, including Bermuda, Tortola and the Falkland
Islands. It shakes the coach. Uncomfortable, but under control, the two
dignitaries of state do their best to ignore the whole incident, but then
the Queen decides that's ridiculous. She turns to Mr. Bush and explains,
"Mr. President, please accept my regrets .... I'm sure you understand that
there are some things that even a Queen cannot control."
George W. Bush, ever the gentleman, replies, "Your Majesty, please don't
give the matter another thought..... You know, if you hadn't said something,
I would have thought it was one of the horses."
President Bush strides to a warm but dignified handshake from Queen
Elizabeth II.
They ride in a silver 1934 Bentley limousine to the edge of central London
where they board an open 17th century coach hitched to six magnificent white
matching horses. As they ride toward Buckingham Palace, each looking
sideways and waving to the thousands of cheering Britons lining the streets,
all is going well.
But suddenly the right rear horse lets fly with the most horrendous earth
rending, eye smarting blast of gastronomic flatulence ever heard in the
British Empire, including Bermuda, Tortola and the Falkland
Islands. It shakes the coach. Uncomfortable, but under control, the two
dignitaries of state do their best to ignore the whole incident, but then
the Queen decides that's ridiculous. She turns to Mr. Bush and explains,
"Mr. President, please accept my regrets .... I'm sure you understand that
there are some things that even a Queen cannot control."
George W. Bush, ever the gentleman, replies, "Your Majesty, please don't
give the matter another thought..... You know, if you hadn't said something,
I would have thought it was one of the horses."
Kimbabe
Reply #1039 Tuesday, June 3, 2003 8:57 AM
Here's one
Once upon a time a powerful Emperor of the Rising Sun advertised for a new Chief Samurai. After a year, only three applied for the job: a Japanese, a Chinese and a Jewish Samurai.
"Demonstrate your skills!" commanded the Emperor.
The Japanese samurai stepped forward, opened a tiny box and released a fly. He drew his samurai sword and * Swish! * the fly fell to the floor, neatly divided in two!
"What a feat!? said the Emperor. "Number Two Samurai, show me what you do."
The Chinese samurai smiled confidently, stepped forward and opened a
tiny box, releasing a fly. He drew his samurai sword and *Swish!*
Swish! * The fly fell to the floor neatly quartered.
"That is skill!" nodded the Emperor. "How are you going to top that,
Number three Samurai?"
Number Three Samurai, Obi-wan Cohen, stepped forward, opened a tiny box releasing one fly, drew his samurai sword and *Swoooooosh!*
flourished his sword so mightily that a gust of wind blew through the room. But the fly was still buzzing around!
In disappointment, the Emperor said, "What kind of skill is that? The fly isn't even dead."
"Dead, schmead," replied the Jewish Samurai. "Dead is easy.
Circumcision... THAT takes skill!"
*Kim*
Reply #1039 Tuesday, June 3, 2003 8:57 AM
Here's one
Once upon a time a powerful Emperor of the Rising Sun advertised for a new Chief Samurai. After a year, only three applied for the job: a Japanese, a Chinese and a Jewish Samurai.
"Demonstrate your skills!" commanded the Emperor.
The Japanese samurai stepped forward, opened a tiny box and released a fly. He drew his samurai sword and * Swish! * the fly fell to the floor, neatly divided in two!
"What a feat!? said the Emperor. "Number Two Samurai, show me what you do."
The Chinese samurai smiled confidently, stepped forward and opened a
tiny box, releasing a fly. He drew his samurai sword and *Swish!*
Swish! * The fly fell to the floor neatly quartered.
"That is skill!" nodded the Emperor. "How are you going to top that,
Number three Samurai?"
Number Three Samurai, Obi-wan Cohen, stepped forward, opened a tiny box releasing one fly, drew his samurai sword and *Swoooooosh!*
flourished his sword so mightily that a gust of wind blew through the room. But the fly was still buzzing around!
In disappointment, the Emperor said, "What kind of skill is that? The fly isn't even dead."
"Dead, schmead," replied the Jewish Samurai. "Dead is easy.
Circumcision... THAT takes skill!"
*Kim*
werewolf
Reply #1040 Tuesday, June 3, 2003 9:00 AM
Reply #1040 Tuesday, June 3, 2003 9:00 AM
Brain Cramps (some old, some new....)
Question: If you could live forever, would you and why? Answer: "I would not
live forever, because we should not live forever, because if we were
supposed to live forever, then we would live forever, but we cannot live
forever, which is why I would not live forever,"--Miss Alabama in the 1994
Miss USA contest.
"Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I
can't help but cry. I mean I'd love to be skinny like that, but not with all
those flies and death and stuff." --Mariah Carey
"Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your
life,"--Brooke Shields, during an interview to become Spokesperson for
federal anti-smoking campaign.
"I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body," --Winston
Bennett, University of Kentucky basketball forward.
"Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in
the country,"--Mayor Marion Barry, Washington, DC.
"I'm not going to have some reporters pawing through our papers. We are the
president."--Hillary Clinton commenting on the release of subpoenaed documents.
"That lowdown scoundrel deserves to be kicked to death by a jackass, and I'm
just the one to do it," --A congressional candidate in Texas.
"I don't feel we did wrong in taking this great country away from them.
There were great numbers of people who needed new land, and the Indians were
selfishly trying to keep it for themselves." --John Wayne
"Half this game is ninety percent mental." --Philadelphia Phillies manager, Danny Ozark
"It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in
our air and water that are doing it." --Al Gore, Vice President
"I love California. I practically grew up in Phoenix." --Dan Quayle
" It's no exaggeration to say that the undecideds could go one way or
another"--George Bush, US President
"We've got to pause and ask ourselves: How much clean air do we need?"--Lee Iacocca
"I was provided with additional input that was radically different from the
truth. I assisted in furthering that version." --Colonel Oliver North, from
his Iran-Contra testimony.
"The word "genius" isn't applicable in football. A genius is a guy like
Norman Einstein."--Joe Theisman, NFL football quarterback & sports analyst.
"We don't necessarily discriminate. We simply exclude certain types of
people."--Colonel Gerald Wellman, ROTC Instructor.
"If we don't succeed, we run the risk of failure." --Bill Clinton, President
"We are ready for an unforeseen event that may or may not occur." --Al Gore,VP
"Traditionally, most of Australia's imports come from overseas." --Keppel Enderbery
"Your food stamps will be stopped effective March 1992 because we received
notice that you passed away. May God bless you. You may reapply if there is
a change in your circumstances." --Department of Social Services,
Greenville, South Carolina
"If somebody has a bad heart, they can plug this jack in at night as they go
to bed and it will monitor their heart throughout the night. And the next
morning, when they wake up dead, there'll be a record." --Mark S. Fowler,
FCC Chairman
....Feeling smarter yet now?
Question: If you could live forever, would you and why? Answer: "I would not
live forever, because we should not live forever, because if we were
supposed to live forever, then we would live forever, but we cannot live
forever, which is why I would not live forever,"--Miss Alabama in the 1994
Miss USA contest.
"Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I
can't help but cry. I mean I'd love to be skinny like that, but not with all
those flies and death and stuff." --Mariah Carey
"Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your
life,"--Brooke Shields, during an interview to become Spokesperson for
federal anti-smoking campaign.
"I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body," --Winston
Bennett, University of Kentucky basketball forward.
"Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in
the country,"--Mayor Marion Barry, Washington, DC.
"I'm not going to have some reporters pawing through our papers. We are the
president."--Hillary Clinton commenting on the release of subpoenaed documents.
"That lowdown scoundrel deserves to be kicked to death by a jackass, and I'm
just the one to do it," --A congressional candidate in Texas.
"I don't feel we did wrong in taking this great country away from them.
There were great numbers of people who needed new land, and the Indians were
selfishly trying to keep it for themselves." --John Wayne
"Half this game is ninety percent mental." --Philadelphia Phillies manager, Danny Ozark
"It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in
our air and water that are doing it." --Al Gore, Vice President
"I love California. I practically grew up in Phoenix." --Dan Quayle
" It's no exaggeration to say that the undecideds could go one way or
another"--George Bush, US President
"We've got to pause and ask ourselves: How much clean air do we need?"--Lee Iacocca
"I was provided with additional input that was radically different from the
truth. I assisted in furthering that version." --Colonel Oliver North, from
his Iran-Contra testimony.
"The word "genius" isn't applicable in football. A genius is a guy like
Norman Einstein."--Joe Theisman, NFL football quarterback & sports analyst.
"We don't necessarily discriminate. We simply exclude certain types of
people."--Colonel Gerald Wellman, ROTC Instructor.
"If we don't succeed, we run the risk of failure." --Bill Clinton, President
"We are ready for an unforeseen event that may or may not occur." --Al Gore,VP
"Traditionally, most of Australia's imports come from overseas." --Keppel Enderbery
"Your food stamps will be stopped effective March 1992 because we received
notice that you passed away. May God bless you. You may reapply if there is
a change in your circumstances." --Department of Social Services,
Greenville, South Carolina
"If somebody has a bad heart, they can plug this jack in at night as they go
to bed and it will monitor their heart throughout the night. And the next
morning, when they wake up dead, there'll be a record." --Mark S. Fowler,
FCC Chairman
....Feeling smarter yet now?
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Reply #1021 Tuesday, May 27, 2003 4:20 AM
A lawyer, a doctor, and a redneck were driving through the
desert when they suddenly ran out of gas. They all decided to
start walking to the nearest town (which they had passed 50
miles back) to get some help.
A rancher was sitting on his front porch that evening when he
saw the lawyer top the horizon and walk toward him. The
rancher noticed that the lawyer was carrying a glass of
water, so when he was within hearing distance, the rancher said,
"Hi there...what are you doing carrying a glass of water through
the desert?"
The lawyer explained his predicament and explained that since
he had a long way to go, he might get thirsty, so that's why he
was carrying the water.
A little while later the rancher noticed the doctor walking
toward him with a loaf of bread in his hand. "What are you
doing?" asked the rancher again.
As before, the doctor explained the situation and said that
since he had a long way to go, he might get hungry and that's
why he had the bread.
Finally the redneck appeared, dragging a car door through the
sand. More curious than ever, the rancher asked, "Hey, why are
you dragging that car door?"
"Well," said the redneck, "I have a long way to go, so if it gets
too hot, I'll roll down the window."