http://www.funnyjunk.com/pages/coconuts.htm

Ok that was FUNNY, Weaksid!

"Big ones small ones some as big as your head!"

971 by kimbabe:

"* The "sixth sick sheik's sixth sheep's sick" is said to be the toughest
tongue twister in the English language."



Not quite.

"I'm not the phesant plucker I'm the phesant plucker's son, I'm only plucking phesants 'till the phesant plucker comes"

Try saying that out loud 5 times as quickly as you can

Make sure you clear the room of children or people with strong religeous beliefs or you might get in trouble

It's not quite a tongue twister, but it's still good for a laugh

SkinneRyan! Now I've done spit all over myself trying to say that stuff!
What a lovely bunch of coconuts, Weaksid!

Thank You, Dear!


Jim was in his usual place, sitting at the table, reading the paper during breakfast. He came across an article about a beautiful actress who was about to marry a football player who was known primarily for his
lack of IQ and common knowledge.

He turned to his wife with a look of bewilderment on his face. "I'll never understand why the biggest jerks get the most attractive wives."

His wife replies, "Why, thank you, dear!"

Actual signs:

Spotted in a toilet of a London office:
TOILET OUT OF ORDER. PLEASE USE FLOOR BELOW.

In a Laundromat:
AUTOMATIC WASHING MACHINES: PLEASE REMOVE ALL YOUR CLOTHES WHEN THE LIGHT GOES OUT.

Etiquette sign in Oriental restaurant:
DO NOT BREAK BREAD OR ROLL IN SOUP.

In London department store:
BARGAIN BASEMENT UPSTAIRS.

In an office:
WOULD THE PERSON WHO TOOK THE STEPLADDER YESTERDAY PLEASE BRING IT BACK OR FURTHER STEPS WILL BE TAKEN.

Another office:
AFTER TEA BREAK STAFF SHOULD EMPTY THE TEAPOT AND STAND UPSIDE DOWN ON THE DRAINING BOARD.

Outside a second-hand shop:
WE EXCHANGE ANYTHING - BICYCLES, WASHING MACHINES, ETC. WHY NOT BRING YOUR WIFE ALONG AND GET A WONDERFUL BARGAIN?

Notice in health food shop window:
CLOSED DUE TO ILLNESS.

Spotted in a safari park:
ELEPHANTS PLEASE STAY IN YOUR CAR.

Seen during a conference:
FOR ANYONE WHO HAS CHILDREN AND DOESN'T KNOW IT, THERE IS A DAY CARE ON THE FIRST FLOOR.

Notice in a field:
THE FARMER ALLOWS WALKERS TO CROSS THE FIELD FOR FREE, BUT THE BULL CHARGES.

Message on a leaflet:
IF YOU CANNOT READ, THIS LEAFLET WILL TELL YOU HOW TO GET LESSONS.

On a repair shop door:
WE CAN REPAIR ANYTHING. (PLEASE KNOCK HARD ON THE DOOR - THE BELL DOESN'T WORK).

And, cookbook misprint:
CRUSH NUTS AND POUR SYRUP OVER HEAD.

12 Reasons Why CHOCOLATE Is Better Than SEX!


1. You can have chocolate in front of your parents.

2. Nobody starts rumors about who you shared chocolate with.

3. People of the same sex can share chocolate without being called names.

4. The word "commitment" doesn't scare off chocolate.

5. Chocolate is satisfying even if it's gone soft.

6. No matter what kind of chocolate you like, it's legal.

7. You can have chocolate with a whole group of friends without being obscene.

8. If you have to pay for your chocolate, it's not too expensive.

9. Chocolate is just as attractive when you're sober.

10. A big piece of chocolate lasts longer, but even a small piece is satisfying.

11. You can have chocolate in the office without upsetting your co-workers.

12. It's easy to GET chocolate any time you want!!!

Top 10 things likely to be overheard if you had a Klingon on your software development team:


10) "This code is a piece of dung! You have no honor!"
9) "A TRUE Klingon warrior does not comment his code!"
8) "By filing this bug you have questioned my family honor. Prepare to die!"
7) "You question the worthiness of my Code?! I should kill you where you stand!"
6) "Our competitors are without honor!"
5) "Specs are for the weak and timid!"
4) "This machine is a piece of GAGH! I need dual Pentium processors if I am to do battle with this code!"
3) "Perhaps it IS a good day to Die! I say we ship it!"
2) "My program has just dumped Stova Core!"
1) "Behold, the keyboard of Kalis! The greatest Klingon code warrior that ever lived!"

"The world's easiest quiz"

It requires only 4 correct answers to pass:

1) How long did the Hundred Years War last?
2) Which country makes Panama hats?
3) From which animal do we get catgut?
4) In which month do Russians celebrate the October Revolution?
5) What is a camel's hair brush made of?
6) The Canary Islands in the Pacific are named after what animal?
7) What was King George VI's first name?
8) What color is a purple finch?
9) Where are Chinese gooseberries from?

All done? Check your answers below!



Not fair to peek ahead!





1) How long did the Hundred Years War last? *116 years
2) Which country makes Panama hats? *Ecuador
3) From which animal do we get cat gut? *Sheep and Horses
4) In which month do Russians celebrate the October Revolution? *November
5) What is a camel's hair brush made of? *Squirrel fur
6) The Canary Islands in the Pacific are named after what animal? *Dogs
7) What was King George VI's first name? *Albert
8) What color is a purple finch? *Crimson
9) Where are Chinese gooseberries from? *New Zealand

What do you mean you failed? Pass this on to some other "brilliant" friends.......

4) In which month do Russians celebrate the October Revolution? *November, I know this one, but if you are in rusland, than october is correct...

A pastor's church was getting too large for him to cover all of the duties so he had a clone made of himself. All was going well, he could be in two hospitals at once praying for the sick, attend two meetings at the same time, this was his answer for his busy life.

Suddenly, the genes went crazy and the cloned preacher's personality changed. He started making passes towards women, yelling at drivers who cut him off, and making obscene gestors. This concerned the pastor so he and the clone took a day off and went to the Sears Tower, ate
lunch, and enjoyed the view from the top.

While the clone was looking at the skyline through the telescope, the pastor pushed him over the side and that was the end of the clone. When the pastor left the building and walked past the crowd that had gathered, the police stopped him and placed him under arrest. "Under
arrest"?? What's the charge?

Making an obscene clone fall.

OH UGGGGGGHHHHHHHH and ARRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!

Booooo!!

Two Drops of Water

An elderly lady on a cruise ship wanders up to the bar and asks for a scotch with two drops of water. As the bartender gives her the drink she says, "I'm on the cruise to celebrate my 80th birthday, and it's today."

The bartender says "Well, since it's your birthday, this one is on me."

As the woman finishes her drink, the lady to her right says, "I would like to buy you a drink too."

The elderly matron says, "Why, thank you. Bartender, I would like a scotch with two drops of water."

"Coming up," says the bartender.

As she finishes her drink, the man to her left says, "I would like to buy you one as well."

The lady says, "Thank you. Bartender, I would like another scotch with two drops of water."

"Comin' right up." As he puts the drink down in front of her, he says, "Ma'am, I'm dying of curiosity. Why
the Scotch with only two drops of water?"

The 80 year-old replies, "Sonny, when you're my age, you learn how to hold your liquor. Water, however, is a whole other issue."

WANTED FOR ATTEMPTED MURDER
(The actual AP headline)

Linda Burnett, 23, was visiting her inlaws, and while there went to a nearby supermarket to pick up some groceries. Several people noticed her sitting in her car with the windows rolled up and with her eyes closed, with both hands behind the back of her head.

One customer who had been at the store for a while became concerned and walked over to the car. He noticed that Linda's eyes were now open, and she looked very strange. He asked her if she was okay, and Linda replied that she'd been shot in the back of the head, and had been holding her brains in for over an hour.

The man called the paramedics, who broke into the car because the doors were locked and Linda refused to remove her hands from her head. When they finally got in, they found that Linda had a wad of bread dough on the back of her head.

A Pillsbury biscuit canister had exploded from the heat, making a loud noise that sounded like a gunshot, and the wad of dough hit her in the back of her head. When she reached back to find out what it was, she felt the dough and thought it was her brains. She initially passed out, but quickly recovered and tried to hold her brains in for over an hour
until someone noticed and came to her aid.

And, yes, Linda is a blonde.

"Work vs. Prison:"
IN PRISON...you spend the majority of your time in an 8X10 cell. AT WORK... you spend the majority of your time in a 6X8 cubicle.
IN PRISON...you get three meals a day. AT WORK...you only get a break for one meal and you pay for it.
IN PRISON...you get time off for good behavior. AT WORK...you get more work for good behavior.
IN PRISON...the guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you. AT WORK...you must carry around a security card and open all the doors for yourself.
IN PRISON...you can watch TV and play games. AT WORK...you get fired for watching TV and playing games.
IN PRISON...you get your own toilet. AT WORK...you have to share with some idiot who pees on the seat.
IN PRISON...they allow your family and friends to visit. AT WORK...you can't even speak to your family.
IN PRISON...all expenses are paid by the taxpayers with no work required. AT WORK...you get to pay all the expenses to go to work and then they deduct taxes from your salary to pay for prisoners.
IN PRISON...you spend most of your life inside bars wanting to get out. AT WORK...you spend most of your time wanting to get out and go inside bars.
IN PRISON...you must deal with sadistic wardens. AT WORK...they are called managers

The new Men's Thesaurus - on sale now at your local book stores!

"I'M GOING FISHING"
Means: "I'm going to drink myself dangerously stupid,and stand by a stream with a stick in my hand, while the fish swim by in complete safety."

IT'S A GUY THING"
Means: "There is no rational thought pattern connected with it, and you have no chance at all of making it logical".

"CAN I HELP WITH DINNER?"
Means: "Why isn't it already on the table?"

"UH HUH," "SURE, HONEY," OR "YES, DEAR..."
Means: Absolutely nothing. It's a conditioned response.

"IT WOULD TAKE TOO LONG TO EXPLAIN"
Means: "I have no idea how it works."

"I WAS LISTENING TO YOU. IT'S JUST THAT I HAVE THINGS ON MY MIND."
Means: "I was wondering if that redhead over there is wearing a bra."

"TAKE A BREAK HONEY, YOU'RE WORKING TOO HARD".
Means: "I can't hear the game over the vacuum cleaner."

"THAT'S INTERESTING, DEAR."
Means: "Are you still talking?"

"YOU KNOW HOW BAD MY MEMORY IS."
Means: "I remember the theme song to 'F Troop', the address of the first girl I ever kissed, and the vehicle identification numbers of every car I've ever owned, but I forgot your birthday."

"I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT YOU, AND GOT YOU THESE ROSES".
Means: "The girl selling them on the corner was a real babe."

"OH, DON'T FUSS, I JUST CUT MYSELF, IT'S NO BIG DEAL."
Means: "I have actually severed a limb, but will bleed to death before I admit that I'm hurt."

"HEY, I'VE GOT MY REASONS FOR WHAT I'M DOING".
Means: "And I sure hope I think of some pretty soon."

"I CAN'T FIND IT."
Means: "It didn't fall into my outstretched hands, so I'm completely
clueless."

"WHAT DID I DO THIS TIME?"
Means: "What did you catch me at?"

"I HEARD YOU."
"I haven't the foggiest clue what you just said, and am hoping desperately that I can fake it well enough so that you don't spend the next 3 days yelling at me."

"YOU KNOW I COULD NEVER LOVE ANYONE ELSE."
Means: "I am used to the way you yell at me, and realize it could be worse."

"YOU LOOK TERRIFIC."
Means: "Please don't try on one more outfit, I'm starving."

"I'M NOT LOST. I KNOW EXACTLY WHERE WE ARE."
Means: "No one will ever see us alive again."

"WE SHARE THE HOUSEWORK."
Means: "I make the messes, she cleans them up."

Tech Support Annoyances
I wish I knew the original source of this amusing guide to technical support frustrations, but it was one of those things that was forwarded to me after being forwarded about 300 times previously. I dug it out of my humor folder and cleaned up the text to allow for easier reading.
1. When a tech says he's coming right over, log out and go for coffee. It's no problem for us to remember 2700 network passwords.
2. When you call us to have your computer moved, be sure to leave it buried under half a ton of postcards, baby pictures, stuffed animals, dried flowers, and trophies. We don't have a life, and we find it deeply moving to catch a fleeting glimpse of yours.
3. When tech support sends you an eMail with high importance, delete it at once. We're probably just testing out the email system.
4. When a tech is eating lunch at his desk, walk right in and explain your problem(s) and expect him to respond immediately. We exist only to serve and are always ready to think about fixing computers.
5. When a tech is at the coffee machine or outside having a smoke, ask him a computer question. The only reason why we drink coffee or smoke at all is to ferret out all those users who don't have eMail or a telephone line.
6. Send urgent eMail ALL IN UPPERCASE. The mail server picks it up and flags it as a rush delivery.
7. When you call a tech's direct line, press 5 to skip the bilingual greeting that says he's out of town for a week, record your message, and wait exactly 24 hours before you send an eMail straight to the director because no one ever returned your call. You're entitled to common courtesy.
8. When the photocopier doesn't work, call computer support. There's electronics in it, right?
9. When you're getting a NO DIAL TONE message at home, call computer support. We can even fix telephone problems from here.
10. When something's wrong with your home PC, dump it on a tech's chair with no name, no phone number, and no description of the problem. We love a good mystery.
11. When you have a tech on the phone walking you through changing a setting; read the paper. We don't actually mean for you to DO anything; we just love to hear ourselves talk.
12. When we offer training on the upcoming OS upgrade, don't bother going. We'll be there to hold your hand after it is done.
13. When the printer won't print, re-send the job at least 20 times. Print jobs frequently just disappear for no reason.
14. When the printer still won't print after 20 tries, send the job to all 68 printers in the office. One of them is bound to work.
15. Don't use online help. Online help is for wimps.
16. If you're taking night classes in computer science, feel free to go around and update the network drivers for you and all your co-workers. We're grateful for the overtime when we have to stay until 2:30am fixing them.
17. When you have a tech fixing your computer at a quarter past one, eat your lunch in his face. We function better when slightly dizzy.
18. Don't ever thank us. We love this AND we get paid for it!
19. When a tech asks you whether you've installed any new software on this computer, lie. It's nobody's business what you've got on your computer.
20. If the mouse cable keeps knocking down the framed picture of your dog, lift the computer and stuff the cable under it. Mouse cables were designed to have 45 lbs. of computer sitting on top of them.
21. If the space bar on your keyboard doesn't work, blame it on the mail upgrade. Keyboards work much better with half a pound of muffin crumbs, nail clippings, and big sticky drops of Coke under the keys.
22. When you get the message saying "Are you sure?" click on that "Yes" button as fast as you can. Hell, if you weren't sure, you wouldn't be doing it, would you?
23. Feel perfectly free to say things like "I don't know nothing about that computer crap". It never bothers us to hear our area of professional expertise referred to as crap.
24. When you need to change the toner cartridge, call tech support. Changing a toner cartridge is an extremely complex task, and Hewlett-Packard recommends that it be performed only by a professional engineer with a Master's degree in nuclear physics.
25. When something's the matter with your computer, ask your secretary to call the help desk. We enjoy the challenge of having to deal with a third party who doesn't know jack sh*t about the problem.
26. When you receive a 30-meg movie file, send it to everyone as a high-priority mail attachment. We've got plenty of disk space and processor capacity on that mail server.
27. Don't even think of breaking large print jobs down into smaller chunks. God forbid somebody else might get a chance to squeeze into the print queue.
28. When you bump into a tech in the grocery store on a Saturday, ask a computer question. We work 24 hours a day 7 days a week, even while at the grocery store on weekends.
29. If your son is a student in computer science, have him come in on the weekends and do his projects on your office computer. We'll be there for you when his illegal copy of Visual Basic 6.0 makes your Access database flip out.
30. When you bring us your own no-brand home PC to repair for free at the office, tell us how urgently we need to fix it so your son can get back to playing DOOM. We'll get right on it because we have so much free time at the office. Everybody knows all we do is surf the Internet all day anyway.

Math Lesson
Little Tommy (who was Jewish) was doing very badly in math. His parents had tried everything: tutors, mentors, flash cards, special learning centers, in short, everything they could think of.

Finally, in a last ditch effort, they took Tommy down and enrolled him in the local Catholic school. After the first day, little Tommy came home with a very serious look on his face. He didn't even kiss his mother hello.

Instead, he went straight to his room and started studying. Books and papers were spread out all over the room and little Tommy was hard at work.

His mother was amazed. She called him down to dinner and to her shock, the minute he was done he marched back to his room without a word and in no time he was back hitting the books as hard as before.

This went on for some time, day after day while the mother tried to understand what made all the difference. Finally, little Tommy brought home his report card. He quietly laid it on the table and went up to his room and hit the books. With great trepidation, his mom looked at it and to her great surprise, little Tommy got an "A" in math. She could no longer hold her curiosity. She went to his room and said: "Son, what was it? Was it the
nuns?" Little Tommy looked at her and shook his head, no.

"Well, then," she replied, "Was it the books, the discipline, the structure, the uniforms? WHAT was it?" Little Tommy looked at her and said, "Well, on the first day of school, when I saw that guy nailed to the plus sign, I knew they weren't fooling around."


--
Regards

Never argue with an idiot.
They drag you down to their level then beat you with experience.

Nick Dormaar
“PLAY(s) ON WORDS:”
Dyslexics have more fnu
Clones are people, two
Entropy isn’t what it used to be
Microbiology Lab Staph Only!
Santa’s elves are just a bunch of subordinate Clauses
Eschew obfuscation
Air Pollution is a mist-demeanor
Atheism is a non-prophet organization
Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
Editing is a rewording activity
Help stamp out and eradicate superfluous redundancy
I used to think I was indecisive, but now I’m not sure
My reality check just bounced
Rap is to music, what Etch-a-Sketch is to art
What if there were no hypothetical questions?
Energizer bunny arrested, charged with battery
No sense being pessimistic, it probably wouldn’t work anyway
186,000 miles/sec (300,000km/sec): Not just a good idea, it's the LAW!

NEW VIRUSES

Watch out for these viruses. Some are new and could be very destructive to your computer:

Ellen Degeneres Virus - Your IBM suddenly claims it's a MAC

Monica Lewinsky Virus - Sucks all the memory out of your computer

Titanic Virus - Makes your whole computer go down

Disney Virus - Everything in the computer goes Goofy

Mike Tyson Virus - Quits after one byte

Prozac Virus -Screws up your RAM but your processor doesn't care

Lorena Bobbit Virus - Turns your hard disk into a 3.5 inch floppy

Woody Allen Virus - Bypasses the motherboard and turns on a daughter card

Joey Buttafuoco Virus - Only attacks minor files

Spice Girl Virus - Has no real function, but makes a pretty desktop

Ronald Reagan Virus - Saves your data, but forgets where it's stored

Dr. Kevorkian Virus - Searches your hard drive for old files and deletes them

Oprah Winfrey Virus - Your 200MB hard drive suddenly shrinks to 80MB, and then slowly expands to 300MB


AT&T Virus - Every 3 minutes it tells you what a great service you are getting


MCI Virus - Every 3 minutes it reminds you that you're paying too much for the AT&T Virus


Arnold Schwarzenegger Virus - Terminates and stays resident - It'll be back


Viagra Virus - Expands your hard drive while putting too much pressure on your zip drive